Original subtitles

Second floor, perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going up.

First floor, telephones, gents, ready -made food, shirts, socks, tie hats,

underwear and shoes, going up.

Second floor, carpets, travel goods and bedding, materials, soft furnishing,

restaurant and food, going up.

Well, uh, Mrs. Slocum should be here in a moment.

Where's Mr. Humphries? Oh, he's getting the flowers.

Mrs. Slocum's just entered the staff entrance looking peaky but perky.

Oh, I am glad. It'll be so nice to have her back again because running this

counter on my own for two weeks has nearly done me in.

Anybody know what's actually been wrong with her?

Oh, it was, um, ladies' things.

Why can't you lot always have more mysterious things than what we men have?

I'm sure that if Mrs. Slocum wishes to tell us what laid her low, she will.

About time.

I can't think why they've just drunk half a bucket of water.

I thought you picked them in your garden this morning. Well, I did. But you see,

I put them under my overcoat on the bus and it was very hot and I think they

fainted. Why under your overcoat?

Oh, well, the conductor's very friendly and it's his birthday today. I didn't

want him to think they were for him.

Get ready for the song. Here comes the lift.

Good morning, Mrs. Slocum. We're sorry you've been ill.

It's nice to have you back again and work behind your till.

On behalf of us all, may I present you with these?

Oh, thank you.

Do you know, my husband was the last person to give me these sort of flowers.

They remind me of him in more ways than one.

Well, it's very good to have you back, but let's get to our counters. We open

a moment.

Men's wear.

Captain Peacock.

Mr. Rumbold requires you.

Very well.

She don't look a hundred percent.

Well, she's been in hospital for three days.

What did they do?

Do you know, she didn't even tell me, which is unusual.

I think she's telling Miss Browns. Well, far be it from me to eavesdrop.

But I must just straighten the tie on that centre dummy.

I'll do the Yankee.

I think I'll polish the shoes.

Is that all it was?

Yes, but it was very painful.

That was a difficult one.

When they rang from the hospital to say they had a bed, I thought, I'm not

parting with it. Oh, I feel the same.

But do you know, I haven't been there 20 minutes. When the head surgeon came in,

he took one look at it and he said, that's got to go.

What ever happened?

20 minutes later, my pussy was in a basket on its way to Scotland.

Well, my cousin's got a farm there, you see, so she can look after it.

But this will come as a great shock to Mrs. Slocum.

After all, she's been with the firm for many years.

All the more reason why she should be replaced with a younger woman.

What exactly is the new retiring age that the management has introduced?

But this includes my age group.

It also includes mine, but it doesn't apply to upper senior staff, which is

or to upper middle management, which is me.

Isn't there anything we can do about Mrs. Slocum? I'm afraid not.

Well, who's to break the news?

I thought perhaps you might. I can on occasion seem slightly tactless,

unintentionally, of course.

You mean the abacus thing, the lady?

Yes, but I'm sure as soon as people hear about it, they'll be anxious to fill

it. Couldn't you just move Miss Browns up?

Yes, then I could replace her.

I'm very willing and I want to get on.

That's true.

No, no, I'm assuming you've only had exposure behind the desk. You haven't

any on the floor.

That's not entirely true.

She stays here.

Very well.

Nice try, Stephen.

It was the penis that brought it on.

I can't stand the suspense any longer. What was it?

Well, I'll tell you, but don't tell anybody else.

No.

Well, it's a small world, isn't it?

I have that.

At your age? No, no, no. When I was in my teens. That's why they didn't take me

in the army. Well, that and being underweight.

Mrs. Slocum, I have a very difficult task.

Oh, you... my knife, it's sharper.

No, no, no, it's not that. It's something else. Well, look, hang on. I'm

to get myself some more hot buttered toast.

I've got to build myself up.

Here. What did she have?

It's private.

While Mrs. Slocum is away from the table, I think I should tell you that

be gone by the end of the week.

Well,

she only had an ingrowing tone, eh?

No, no, I mean she'll be redundant.

The management of 40 people of her age to retire.

And Rumble has asked me to tell her.

Oh, Philip.

They're all lies.

Better we tell her than Rumble.

Oh, yes, you're right there.

I'll tell you what. You tell her and we'll make out what a good idea it is.

Oh, yes.

We'll see how lucky she is to be out of the rat race.

She will get redundancy payment, of course.

Well, that'll be a plus.

Could last a couple of weeks.

She's coming.

Pass the marmalade.

Mrs.

Slocum. Yes?

Apparently, a new directive has been issued by the firm.

Oh, yes?

Yes. People over a certain age are to be made redundant.

Oh, the lucky devil!

Oh, yeah, it's me.

I can't wait to get out of this rat race.

work anymore.

I'd spend all day in my garden tending it and trying my gnomes in different

positions.

Oh, doesn't it sound exciting?

I'd go to the pictures every day and get up late.

I'd play golf.

How many times when we've been stuck in here in blazing hot weather have I

thought how wonderful it'd be to be out there driving one straight down the

middle.

I thought you had a bad back and had been advised to give it up.

Only for a couple of years.

What would you do?

Oh, I don't know what I'd do with myself if I didn't come in here.

I mean, this is, well, it's my whole life.

I mean, when you get a customer and you make them buy something, I feel like a

hunter stalking its prey.

Will they buy that hat or won't they? And then they decide and hang.

You've got them.

Well, what about getting your feet up in the garden?

In this weather, it's been pouring for a week.

Well, you could take an umbrella.

You're the one that needs the umbrella. The rain's got in your ear and made your

brain soggy, you duck boy.

Here, I just heard the news on the grapevine.

What news?

You've just been made redundant.

I think it's a shame.

Anyway, place you go today. Good luck.

Me?

Oh, not me.

Say, it's not me.

It's me.

I hardly know how to say how sorry I am.

I'm not going without a fight.

Has the news got out yet?

It's all round the store.

What? They'll never get anyone with my experience in underwear.

Wait a minute.

Come to think of it, when I joined, I didn't put my right age on the

form. Well, I mean, I looked so young, they'd never have believed it.

So I added a few years.

Well, it's worth a try.

Even now, I make up to look older.

I thought you did.

I mean, me and June Collins are just that much apart.

A missus as good as a mouse.

If I used less make -up and did my hair in a different style, I could knock

years off.

Well, a couple of hours, anyway.

Shut up, you!

Well, they want somebody younger, and they're going to get somebody younger.

Where are you going?

The Peter Pan Beauty Parlour. They can take years off you there for 25 quid.

Here. Can they really take years off you for 25 quid? quit? No, I think that's

just the down payment. Then they charge you for every year they remove.

I mean, she left the mortgage to the house.

Never underestimate a woman.

I can't think what's happened to Mrs. Snowcomb. It's after two o 'clock. What

could she be doing?

She's probably had to get a bank loan.

No, she phoned up to say she'd be late. She's having the full treatment.

She's determined to keep her job.

Doomed to failure.

Rumble is already interviewing ladies from other departments.

Oh, could you say I'd be right for it?

I'm afraid you really do look too young.

Well, I could wear my hair up.

And you've got enough pull. I mean, you could say I'd be right for it.

Well, I could.

And you and me have always got on well together.

Not as well as we might.

Well, if you did say I was right for it, I promise I'd try ever so hard.

Miss Browns, put that away.

Captain Peacock, I think I've found a suitable applicant for the post. It's

Featherstone of Toiletry.

That vinegary little spinster?

Well, she's the right age and keen to get on.

Well, I think Miss Browns should be given the chance.

She's been showing a lot of promise.

That's a saying a lot more than I expected.

No, no, too young.

Where's Mrs. Slocum? Up in the cows.

Well, I wish she had had the full treatment.

It's the Dolly Parton look.

Nine to five.

You've just failed to beat the clock.

Oh, Mr. Rumble, just the man I wanted to see.

You know, when I joined, I never told you this before, but I put my wrong age

the application form, and so I've just been up to personnel to correct it.

How incorrect was it?

Oh, it was years out.

Do you mean that the rises given to you over the years, based on your age,

should not have been paid to you?

Oh, I never thought of that.

Well, then I'll pretend I didn't hear it. Oh, I'm sorry to lose a valued

assistant, but there will be a substantial redundancy payment.

I'm not leaving grace, Robert.

Whatever job I do, I'm paying here.

Well, it won't be at that counter. But as a gesture, you can stay till the end

of the week.

And maybe... May I make a gesture as well?

Of course.

Don't you have to come in early just to meet this new woman?

It won't be the same without Mrs. Logan.

Do you know she spent all yesterday afternoon going round to the heads of

department trying to find a job?

It's very sad.

Here, blimey, you're early.

Here, love.

There's a dirty patch in front of the podium.

Is that all right, brother?

Mrs. Slocum, what is the meaning of this? You are, and I hope you're

You could have put a word in for me and saved me, and you didn't. And I'm not

leaving Greece, brothers.

Surely you could have found something better than that.

Lady floor cleaner's a good job. There's a cue for it.

It's only due to the fact that I got influence I've got our Betty to the top

the list.

Oi, you missed that bit of chewing gum.

Oh!

Oh, it won't come off. Oh, I'll have to bung it into the crap.

Oh,

this is most distressing.

It is!

There's a lot of steam left in me yet.

Couldn't you have found a gentler job for a woman of Mrs. Slocum's age?

She's lucky we've gone over the gas -fired boilers.

Otherwise she'd be inside one knocking off the clinker.

Oh, please, can't you give her her old job back?

You know, scrubbing the front steps isn't so bad once you get used to the

pads.

I made these out of a couple of old bras.

How the mighty have fallen.

Let me speak to personnel and try and find you a desk job.

I'll manage.

Ah, good morning, Miss Feddeston. Good morning.

Allow me to introduce you to the members of your flock.

Captain Peacock, I think you've met.

What a pleasure.

Miss Brahms, who will be directly under you.

Hello.

Mr Spooner, a newish junior.

And, ah, Mr Humphreys.

Who's the head of the men's counter?

We haven't actually met, but I do know of him by reputation.

It does tend to travel in front of me.

I'm sure Miss Brahms will give you every assistance.

Mr Harmon, could you get yourself and your cleaner off the floor?

Hurry up, Betty, we've got the cargy to do yet.

Where do I put my coat?

In the fitting room, after you've signed the book.

Yes, well, I'm sure you're all going to get along.

So I'll get back to my office.

Miss Brahms, take my coat.

I'm not going to be talked to like that.

I shall count to three and then I shall release it.

If you haven't taken it by then, I shall make life very difficult for you.

Now.

One.

Come in, everybody.

You sent for us, sir?

Yes.

Understand from Miss Fenniston that Miss Brahms has been rude three times this

morning and we've only been open half an hour. No, this can't go on. I wasn't

rude.

Understand from Miss Fenniston that Miss Brahms used the phrase, she gets up my

nose. Well, she does.

Did you hear this, Peacock?

Nose?

She also complains that she was hit in the posterior by a paperclip, probably

fired by an elastic band.

My mind immediately went to Mr Spooner.

Oh, don't worry, sir. No one's fired anything at me.

I mean, I suspect you were doing it. No, sir, he didn't do it. And as you know,

I never tell a lie.

Was it you?

No, sir.

Are you indirectly accusing Captain Peacock?

Oh, don't be ridiculous. It's never a flaw Walker would do such a thing.

Well, I won't have any trouble out there.

Listen, she's the trouble.

She's got a bad... temper in its show.

I must say, she does not have Mrs. Slocum's finesse with the customers.

Can we forget about Mrs. Slocum? She's no longer with the department.

Enter.

Mrs. Slocum, go away. You're driving me mad.

Get out.

I'll finish the fourth floor. Nowhere away, Fred.

Bye -bye.

Well, madam, what do you think? It's so difficult.

Do you like it? Of course I do. I wouldn't have suggested it if I didn't.

you said you liked all the others as well.

Madam, I don't sell hats.

I don't like.

But surely you must think one of them suits me better than the rest.

Well, I think this one fits the head of the others.

Oh, yes, perfect. Far the better.

I'm so mad about that hat. I can't imagine you in any other hat.

I'm so glad because this is the one I came in with. Good day.

Oh, aggravating woman.

Oh, Miss Brahms, pick up those hats at once.

Miss Browns, go to the centre podium and adjust the blouse, will you? It's very

badly displayed.

After you have picked up the hats.

Before you pick up the hats.

Hats.

Blouse.

Hats.

Blouse. Hats. May I remind you, Miss Featherstone, that I have the last say

this floor?

I think you ought to know that I am very friendly with a very senior member of

staff who would be very interested to know how I've been getting on on my

day up here.

I'm sure you'll tell him you're doing your very best.

The plows, Miss Prowse? Yes, Captain Peacock.

It's happened again.

Who pinged the bell? Featherstone's posterior.

Throw it up at once. Spooner? No, sir. Humphries? Yes.

Are you sure it wasn't static in your suspender belt?

I don't wear one.

No?

I said, wasn't you, wasn't? I beg your pardon?

I'm sorry.

My nerves are a little frayed. My first day up here, I suppose.

a senior floor walker.

Ridiculous.

By the way, good shot.

I thought so too.

Whoever did it.

Let's all sit together and then ignore her when she arrives.

She won't be arriving.

She's been invited into the executive dining room by the head of the council.

So that's her friend in high places.

I bet he'd put her up for the job.

All lent on old Jaggers to give it up.

Yes, I suspect a bit of power politics.

Rumbold is up for a ride and, as you know, the head of accounts has the final

say. You know, she's got such a bad temper and she gets all worked up and

the fame stands up in her neck like blue spaghetti.

What would happen if she got a very difficult customer and really lost her

temper? Oh, that would be unforgivable.

The customer is always right.

Any breach of that rule, well, it could lead to dismissal. Yes.

Captain Peacock, do you think I could have a couple of hours off this

say, for a dental appointment?

I think I could write a chit to that effect, yes.

But your teeth is better than most girls.

All the better for what I have in mind.

Is everything settling down now?

Oh, yes, sir.

Unfortunately, the executive restaurant is full today, so I'll sit with you if

you don't mind.

I thought you had all individual chairs in there with your names on.

Yes, yes, that is so, but a member of a council is entertaining this fellow

who's been in my chair today.

Yes, and the head of a council is the one that sanctions royalties for

Possibly. Oh, but the age limit was the reason Mrs. Slocum had to leave.

Can I have a menu, please?

A menu?

It's no steak.

I can't recommend rhubarb and the toad has jumped out of the hole.

No, no, no.

Arrivederci.

I haven't given up hope.

Now, don't worry. Sit yourself down and we'll tell you the plan for this

afternoon. Now, then.

Good afternoon, madam. May I help you?

You certainly can, you handsome man.

As a matter of fact, I was looking for a new fur coat.

The pockets are full in my old one.

Perhaps you'd be good enough to show me to the ladies' department.

I've never been this way before.

Our ladies' department is over here, madam. If you'd please walk this way.

It's not going to be easy in these fields.

Miss Featherstone is our senior sales lady. She will look after you, madam.

Oh, good afternoon.

Isn't it a lovely day?

Yes, indeed.

I was walking in the park with my husband.

He's an MP, you know. Oh.

He has to sit all afternoon, so the walk does him good.

And I mentioned that I didn't have a new fur coat. He said, Blanche, he said.

Blanche, go and get whatever tickles your fancy.

So here I am. Well, we do have some very nice ones.

Oh, yes, this is very nice.

What is it? I mean, what animal occupied it before some brave hunter shot it?

Well, don't tell me you don't know.

I'm just looking at the label.

Oh, it's ranch mink. Is it?

It's 2 ,750 pounds and 25 pence.

It's a snip.

Would Madam like to try it on? Thank you. Oh, what lovely hat.

Oh, now, I do like these.

Take the coat, Miss Brahms. Yes, Madam.

Oh, yes. Oh, that hat does suit Madam's face.

Yes, well, I should hope so. It's the only one I've got.

How much is it? Oh, just look at the tag.

If Madam could hold her head still for a minute.

Oh, now, I do like these gloves.

Here, we've got handbag what goes with them.

Oh, handbag.

Miss Brown, the glove drawer.

And don't speak unless you're spoken to.

Yes, madam. No, madam.

Coming up, madam.

Oh, what lovely soft things these are. They feel so nice against these hands

that never do dishes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes, that is very becoming.

Very Mrs.

Thatcher, though, isn't it?

I don't think my husband would like this. He's in the middle, you know.

I thought he would be.

A lot of them are.

Would Madam like to try the coat or not? Well, I'll walk it.

Thank you.

It moves well.

Oh, but it doesn't really go with this, does it?

You're not taking the scarf?

I shall take what I like. You mind your own business.

No, no, you see, it's a day coat.

Those are night gloves and...

Well, this is sort of tea time.

Had they all gone together, I might have taken the coat.

Oh, take it off, you stupid woman.

Don't you speak to me like that, you silly old bat. You're the silly old bat.

You married women are all the same. All you want to do is window shop. You don't

want to buy anything. Anyway, you've got no taste.

Oh, I have never been spoken to like that in my life.

Is madam having trouble?

Most certainly am. Just feel my hand. It's trembling.

Oh. This woman has been most aggravating, hasn't she, Miss Brom?

I thought Madam was the nicest, most charmingest customer what's ever been in

here. I mean, most of them is dead awkward.

But Madam is what we call an easy customer.

Easy? This is one of the most difficult, impossible women I've ever met.

If my mother could hear that.

The moment she walked in here, I knew that she had no class.

I shall never bring my handmade shoes into this place again, and neither will

any of my friends. And neither shall I. I'm going back to toiletry.

Well, while you're there, power your nose. It's shiny.

I'm hoping that I never, ever meet a woman like you again.

That's very unlikely.

I've had it here.

I'm sorry Madam has been upset.

I can get over it.

Is Madam having a problem?

Well, nothing that you can deal with. And I shall never ever set foot in this

department forever.

You will never see my face again. Goodbye.

Good heavens, what's going on?

Miss Featherstone upset that lady.

Yes. Wife of an MP.

Oh, no.

Well, where is Miss Featherstone now?

She appears to prefer toiletries.

Well, I can't say I'm altogether sorry, but I've got even worse news.

Regarding what?

Regarding you.

You've decided to include upper senior staff in the age limit, which means you

could go the same way as Mrs. Lockham. That's monstrous. Yes, I agree.

Who's to say that upper senior management won't be next and then I'd

What can we do?

Stop the rot where it started. We'll get Mrs. Stokeham reinstated. I'll say that

she's indispensable, and you will back me up. To the hilt.

Higher, if necessary.

Oh, thank you.

We've gone and got you back.

And it's so nice to be back here where I belong.

Red roses for a blue lady.

And a plastic geranium from packing.

Actually, it's a disguised RSO for your kitchen.

But such is the exquisite workmanship you cannot tell unless you've got within

three feet of it.

Oh, I'm overwhelmed.

Fancy getting rid of her so quick.

Yeah, it was Mr. Humphreys and Captain Peacock who'd done it.

Yeah, where is Captain Peacock?

Ladies' department, going up. Mind the doors, please.

Just give a quick wipe with the mop, Stephen.

Oh, bang it into the crack with your handle and then get off the floor.