Original subtitles

Pass me a hat for the display, Mr Spooner.

Now, I want you to watch closely how I'm brushing this nap.

See? For curling the brim, it takes years and years of experience to get

wrist action.

Are you watching?

I am, Mr. Humphries. It's a pleasure to see a craftsman at work.

Yes,

there's a right way and a wrong way of doing everything.

You may put that on the display.

It's a privilege.

Would there be anything else, Mr. Humphries?

Yes, Mr.

Spooner, two things and you have a choice.

What's that, Mr. Humphries? Either get a smaller hat or a bigger brain.

You must have got out the wrong side of bed this morning. You've never spoken to

me like that before.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap. I'm just very worried about Mrs.

Slocum.

Men's wear.

Oh, yes, Mr. Rumble.

No, Mr. Rumble, not as yet.

Yes, we were all very concerned.

I'll pass the message on.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

At the moment.

Permission to come to the centre floor?

Permission granted.

That was Mr Rumble on the phone. He's been trying to ring Mrs Slocum, but

there's no reply.

He was wondering if we knew of anyone that might know where she was.

It's after eleven.

It could be something quite serious.

Miss Brown?

Yes, Captain Peacock.

Do you have any idea who could know where Mrs Slocum is?

Well, only her friend Mrs Axleby. I've rung her ten times this morning, but

she's always engaged.

Well, try again.

Yes, sir.

It's not like Mrs Slocum. Not on a man. I agree.

On behalf of maintenance and packing, I'm inquired to see if there's any news

about Mrs Slocum. Very kind of you all down there to be so concerned.

Well, we are. She ain't paid for her raffles to get yet.

It's a draw this afternoon.

Quite a jump from the roof of that outside load.

It's those youth pills she's taking. I said they'd be side effects.

Ask if the police have been informed. Have the police been informed?

Oh, full description.

Moth -eaten.

Black and white coat.

Bandy legs.

No bottom teeth.

And a limp.

Blimey, she's gone downhill quickly.

We hope so, too.

Yeah. Bye.

You'll never find Mrs. Slocum with that description.

It's not Mrs. Slocum what's missing. It's our cat.

Cat? Yeah, she's been up all weekend. Anyway, she's on her way here now.

I hope it turns out that cat was her life.

I know. Do you know, she polished its medals every night.

I bet she's in a right state.

Apparently, she's...

heard the bad news. I'm very sorry.

If he doesn't turn up, I'll help you tonight.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Humphreys. That's very kind of you. You know, she's never

been out all night before.

If I don't find her soon, I don't know what... What do you think? What about a

50p for the ticket?

Can't you see she's upset?

Oh, thank you. First prize is that parrot they can't shift in the pet

department.

It happens to be a personal friend of mine. You can't raffle him. We can. I've

got it cheap. The proceeds are for the workers' fee fund.

You may return to your character, Mr. Hudson. Yes, Captain Peter.

Let's hope Mrs.

Slocum wins that parrot, then if a cat doesn't turn up, it'll be somebody for

her to talk to and save on the phone calls.

How's that?

Oh, she phones me nearly every night, you know. She's a very lonely woman.

time she got married.

Well, she left it a bit late for that.

Yes, I suppose her life is rather like the September song, you know.

And the days dwindle down to a precious few.

September, November.

And in her case, Christmas.

Very rude. She's a very warm, kind, generous woman. She'd make somebody a

good wife.

Why don't you marry her?

I'm not ready to get married.

How do you know?

My mother told me.

Oh, the day's dwindling down a bit for you as well, you know.

September, November.

As a matter of fact, I'm clinging on to August.

With an occasional fall of snow.

Are you ready, Miss Belfridge? Yes, sir.

With regard to your recent application for a rise, I have thought long and hard

about this. No, no, no. Make that I have given this careful consideration.

No, no, no, cross that out.

After due consideration, I... Where was I?

With regard to your recent application for a rise, after due consideration,

Where was I?

No, no, no, just after consideration.

Are you still with me? I could run out of paper.

Very well, I'll be brief.

With regard to your rise, the answer is no. Signed, C. Rumbold, Head Office

of... Oh, well, answer that, will you?

Hello, Mr. Rumbold's office. Miss Belford speaking.

Mrs. Axelby, yes.

Oh, dear.

Yes, I'll convey that.

Well? Mrs. Slocum's friend, Mrs. Axelby.

Yes, yes, I heard that. Have they found the cat?

No, but they found its clockwork mouth at the edge of a well.

And Mrs. Axelby fears the worst. She reckons it's a goner.

Oh, dear, this is most unfortunate. I shall have to deliver the news

Fortunately, though, tact and sensitivity are two of my strongest

Oh, before you go, sir, who's this for?

What? With regard to your ride, the answer is no.

Oh, yes, I forgot. It's for you.

She'll never be the same if we don't find it. Where is she?

Oh, she'll be here in a minute. She's gone to nurse for a tranquiliser.

Oh, they'll probably give her one of those special ones they give to people

who've lost their cats.

What special ones?

Moggydons.

This is no time for levity.

I have some very grave news regarding Mrs Slocum's cat. No, don't tell me.

Apparently they found its clockwork mouse on the edge of a well.

One can only draw one conclusion.

Oh, who's going to tell her?

Oh, leave it to me.

I'll be very tactful. I'll lead into it gently. After discussing a few

generalities, I'll just let drop a little hint that all is not well

her cat.

What sort of hint?

How about a chorus of ding -dong -dell?

Shut up, you.

Now, if anyone's going to tell her, we'll tell her. I think that would be

Oh, very well, but you'll be tactful.

Wouldn't be a lot more tactful than he would.

I think it would be wise to keep off the subject altogether.

Yes, we won't mention it at all until closing time. That's a good idea. Nobody

mention anything to do with cats.

And when she arrives, we'll all be jolly and gay.

Hands up the jollies.

If you're not going to behave yourself, you can go and sit at another table.

Oh, I said to my mother, I said, even if there is a burglar downstairs, I'm not

getting out of bed. She looked straight at me. She said, Claiborne, are you a

man or a mouse?

I said, I've no idea, but I don't know. Fancy a bit of cheese?

Talking about mice, she had a clockwork mouse with her when she disappeared. She

never travelled anywhere without that clockwork mouse.

When I was a little boy, I never travelled anywhere without my marbles.

When I was a lad, I always used to have a catapult.

And my marbles...

But when I was a little girl, I had a favourite dolly. And I wouldn't go

anywhere without that dolly. I used to push her everywhere in one of them

dolly pranks.

Did its eyes open and shut when it sat up and down? Oh, yes, and one day they

sat wide open.

What did you do?

Oh, I had to take her to the dolly's hospital and they made her well.

Oh, there's a well near my house.

No news is good news, and we all love you, and we're all standing by you. Oh,

you've always been so kind to me. Do you know, without you and Tiddles, I don't

think my life would be worth living.

I feel exactly the same.

Do you? Of course.

I mean, if I didn't have your little phone calls every night after Coronation

Street so that we could discuss Ken's problems, my life would be the same.

You've got to keep your chin up for my sake as well as yours.

Do my calls really mean that much to you?

I sit by the phone.

And would you really miss me if I didn't ring?

I'd be on to you straight away.

I want to know the reason why.

And I wouldn't wait for the cheap rate.

It's made me feel so much better knowing how much you care.

But we all care.

In different ways.

Ah, but you've only to look at Mr Humphrey's eyes.

To know that he cares in a very special way.

It's the same way my Tiddles looks at me when she's been a good girl in the

garden.

Here you are. New lunch menu.

This is morning coffee.

Since you lot complain about the food so much, Mr Grace has allocated you a

subsidy. You now get the executive menu at Canteen Pricing.

But as some of these dishes are up to cordon bleu, you've got to order early.

Then the chef knows what tin to open.

I must say our long and bitter struggle has been well rewarded.

Yeah, all we've got to do now is learn French.

Soul, bon, femme should surely not be beyond your comprehension.

No, soul is soul, bon is good, and femme is French for lady.

It's a lady's soul. My compliments on the chef's eyesight.

Ignorant lot, aren't they?

A trifled goose.

What?

Just a façon parler.

We're out of that. Try the alabaster.

Have you got any chicken? I think I could toy with a bit of chicken.

Three down.

Roast pussing, fried pussing, cold pussing, and pussing in the back.

Good afternoon, team.

Sorry to hear about Mrs. Slocum's bereavement, but she seems to be taking

fairly well all considered.

Yes, I must say I'm very sorry for her, but what can I do?

Enter.

May we have a word, sir? Yes.

It's about Mrs. Slocum.

Ah, you've told her.

Poor woman. How did she take it? She didn't. We ain't told her.

What are you doing in here, then? Well, we need your help.

Ah, you want me to tell her after all. You need my tact and experience.

No, we want a contribution.

Oh, you mean... For flowers, that sort of thing. No, we want to buy a kitten in

the pet department and we thought the whole floor should chip in.

Including management.

Goes without saying. Oh, this is an excellent idea. I'm entirely behind it.

it's any help, they've got a lovely Siamese kitten in pets.

It's got a marvellous pedigree.

It's called Madam Woo and its father was Emperor Chong of Bangkok.

Five times triple champion.

That sounds impressive.

He's a cat lover. Mrs Stoke has probably heard of him. Lives down her way.

Perhaps she'd like something with a pedigree, then she could show it.

Well, it would symbolise our deep sympathy for her. I couldn't have put it

better myself.

I'm entirely with you.

It's 50 quid. I beg your pardon?

It's got a pedigree as long as your arm.

Haven't they got one that just comes up to the elbow?

50 quid? That's a tenner each. That's not too much to shell out for someone

love to stop them from being lonely.

I agree.

I shall have to try to work for a week, but I can't stand seeing us so

miserable. I shall, of course, go along with the majority.

How did you work out the ten pounds each?

Well, it's me and Mr Spooner, Captain Peacock and Mr Humphreys, that's four,

you're five, that's 50 quid.

Well, naturally, I'm absolutely behind you. But you, of course, are her closest

associates. You will remember that you didn't consider me close enough even to

break the bad news.

But I'm sure Miss Belfridge and I would be happy to contribute, say, five pounds

between us.

I've only spoken... to her a couple of times.

She's a wonderful woman. You really should get to know her. I know her well

enough for a quid.

I just remembered.

As a member of upper -middle management, I'm entitled to a 20 % discount on all

items.

Which means that he can buy the moggy for £40 instead of £50, which is his

contribution. Exactly.

I think it's the best stuff I'm going to get from him.

Very well.

You will purchase Madam Wu.

by Emperor Chong of Bangkok, five -time triple champion. Thank you for the sum

of £40 on our behalf.

Done. I assume you'd like me to make the presentation.

I'm sure I could take a small percentage of my valuable time off to do that.

At the going rate, I don't think we can afford it.

Thank you for your custom, madam.

Oh, you're being ever so brave.

I tell you, Shirley, if it wasn't for the comfort and strength that I get from

Mr Humphreys, I don't think I'd go on.

When he held my hand and looked into my eyes at coffee time in the canteen, I

realised how much he meant to me. I felt we were very close.

Well, you were sitting next to each other.

Literally. It was as though my troubles had fused us together. I suddenly

realised he means more to me than anything else in the world.

Except my pussy, of course.

Do you think he'll ever get married?

Oh, some girl will get lucky someday.

But when she gets the chance, I hope she jumps at it because there aren't two

like him in the world.

No, well, not here anyway.

May I help you, sir?

Underwear.

Now, Chris, are you free?

I'm free.

Underwear for the gentleman.

Certainly, sir.

I don't have anything fancy, just a pair of Y -fronts.

Sorry, sir, I'm afraid we're right out of Y -fronts. We do have a new range,

which are X -fronts.

X -fronts? I've never heard of them.

You are behind the times. We've actually got a pair of W -fronts.

What's the difference between W -X and Y -fronts? About two octaves.

attention in that manner again.

Well, it couldn't have hurt much. It was only one of them mushy ones from the

canteen.

Anyway, I saw them do that on a cold ditch series once and it saved the young

officer's life. He didn't complain.

I presume you've got Madam Woo in there.

Yes, and she's going to start meowing any minute. So you'd better find a way

getting Mrs. Slocum off the floor. Very well.

Mr. Harmon, take that empty basket round behind the men's counter, will you?

Right away, sir.

Mrs.

Slocum. Yes, Captain Peacock? I forgot to tell you, the accounts department

queried one of your bills. Would you mind going up to their floor and having

chat with them? Thank you, Captain Peacock.

Well, it worked. We got her off the floor.

Who's going to give her the new cab?

We've elected Mr Humphreys, as she seems to lean on him in times of crisis.

Oh, she will be thrilled. As we were stood over there, she was saying, you

the world to her. That's very kind of her.

Yes, she said you were a great comfort and strength to her.

and you had this spiritual bond that sort of fused you together.

And without you, she couldn't carry on.

Is she talking about me or the Pope?

You must realise that Mrs Slocum is in a very delicate mental state.

Half prepared for the truth, but not wishing to accept it, she perhaps places

undue reliance on Mr Humphrey's kindness.

But that, combined with our good wishes and the gift of Madame Wu, there should

pull her through this crisis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But when are we to coin a phrase going to let the cat

out of the bag?

I shall make a little speech which will go something like...

Dear Mrs. Slocum, I propose, on behalf of the whole department, to present you

with this little bundle of fluff called Tiddles Junior.

Alias, Madam Woo, hired by Everett Chong of Bangkok.

No,

we don't want you to know that it's valuable. You just open the basket, hand

to me, and I'll do the rest.

Well, that sounds fairly straightforward. Are you ready, Mr.

Oh, I got these from display. There's still a bit of life in them.

Mrs. Ramsey was very puzzled.

She said that there's nothing wrong at all with my bills.

I'm afraid we deliberately deceived you, Mr. Slocum, because we wanted to get

you off the floor for a few moments.

Because someone has something to say to you which we hope will make you very

happy. Oh, how exciting! Who can it be?

Mrs. Slocum. Oh, Mr.

Humphreys. I propose... And I expect...

Woman's intuition never lets her down. Oh, oh, I'm the happiest woman in the

world. It seems as though I have to lose one loved one in order to find another.

It's as though fate has taken a hand.

It's karma.

It's kismet. It's kiss me.

This

is

indeed the most remarkable news.

Utilely unexpected.

That's what Mr Humphrey said.

He had to borrow her smelling salts.

So this engagement is official?

She seems to consider it in that light.

And he's too stunned to speak.

Has Mr Humphrey ever indicated before that he's enamoured of Mrs Slocum?

Well, he's taken her to roller disco a couple of times.

And they always look up Coronation Street together.

Yes, my wife and I feel that being able to discuss the sort of complex problem

that Ken has with Deirdre is very important in a marriage.

What do you think, Miss Belfridge?

Oh, I agree.

Well, that might ball when he's acted like a rabbit.

The question is, how are we going to get him out of it?

Well, it seems to me he's been given the chance to put his toe in the water.

If he wants to swim, who are we to stop him? For what you say, he didn't try to

dissuade her. In other words, he didn't take his toe out.

One has very little time when hit by a tidal wave.

In her condition, well, I mean, a rejection would lead to a complete

breakdown. What about Mr Humphrey's nervous breakdown?

Oh, it's about time he left home.

Anyway, I think they make a lovely couple.

Where are they now?

Oh, Mrs Logan's gone out for cosmetics with some make -up and perfume, and then

she's going to jewellery to select a ring.

Is that a bit premature?

It's only on our... Proud?

Mr Humphreys? Well, the last time we saw him, he was trying to get through to

his mother on the telephone.

No, of course I haven't been drinking.

Pubs aren't open yet.

Will you stop crying?

That's better. Just treat it in a light -hearted manner.

You're not losing a son, you're just losing a sofa.

Well, I'm going to take it with me until we've sorted the sleeping arrangements

out.

She doesn't know what to expect.

Neither do I.

Well, I don't care what the neighbours say.

Tell them I've joined the Foreign Legion.

It's near to the truth.

Yes, I'm definitely coming home tonight.

She's not laying a finger on me until I've been down that aisle.

Yes, the vicar will be surprised.

Not to mention the organist.

No, no, no, we haven't discussed the music.

I thought, off the top of my head, I'll do it my way, followed by the nun's

cause.

Now, listen, I've got to go now, because Mr Rumble's going to make a

congratulatory speech to the department.

Well, it had to happen sometime. I just didn't think it would happen today.

Oh, it's those eyes that get them.

Better drink your champagne before it gets warm.

Answer.

Excuse me, but this is Mr Winston, the new writer from the Staff magazine.

As soon as he heard the news, he insisted on coming up and taking a

of the happy couple together with their immediate associates.

He's also writing a short article. Ain't that right, Mr Winston? Correct.

This is only known to us. How did you find out about it?

Checkbook journalism.

Don't stop it. It's on Fleet Street.

I don't think we've met.

I've only just been assigned.

This is my first scoop.

Good luck, Shirley.

And I got it wrong. I heard it was an older woman and a younger man.

Now I see it's the other way round.

Right. What are the names?

Captain Peacock. I happen to be the department floor walker. I also happen

married.

Married man proposes to young girl.

Does your wife know? How long have you been separated?

Any children from this broken home?

Just a minute. He's old enough to be my father.

Good quote.

Oedipus complex.

Floor walking out together.

This is not the couple, Mr Winston.

Don't tell me. You and this gorgeous creature.

Young girl and the man in power.

Show us a bit of length. Lovely.

Yes.

Miss, Miss, Miss Belfast, Miss Belfast, put it away.

This is my secretary.

Here's the headline.

Just my typing.

If you could take a deep breath and just hold it. Absolutely.

Yes. All right.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

The happy couple ain't here yet.

Oh, film costs money, you know. Why didn't you say so?

Because you haven't stopped talking since you came in.

I'm sure if this is a sample of your press coverage, it must be most

Look, it's my job to improve the circulation of this magazine, and that

I intend to do.

I'm sure Mr Humphreys and Mrs Slocum will want no part of it. Well, let them

decide. Mrs Slocum's a very private person.

Mate -up gave me a quick patch -up for free when they heard the news.

I'm Winston, staff magazine. I cover all branches.

Oh.

It's only on Afro, you know.

And, of course, it isn't real. But you'd never guess, would you? And look at all

that gold behind it.

Well, you said if ever you did it, you hoped you'd get a big one.

You should get one for the other end, otherwise you'll build up the muscles in

just one arm.

May I convey, on behalf of Grace Brothers, my warmest congratulations?

How kind.

Your age, for the record?

Very, very early 40s.

Where's my Claiborne?

I can't find him. The last time I heard, he was on the telephone.

To his mother.

Oh. She'll be thrilled at the news. For the magazine.

Oh, say, what it was that first attracted you to this man?

Well, he's so... Oh, how shall I put it? There's something so different about

him. Enter.

I've got Miss Trumphy's outside.

Shall I bring him in?

Yes, of course.

What's holding him up? At the moment, Warwick and Stanford.

Warwick?

I'm sorry I'm late.

But as the pub was shut, I just popped round to the off -licence for a small

bottle of gin and tongue.

Oh, dear.

Can I have a photo of the happy couple?

What do you think about that? I thought the Tootin' Carmen exhibition was over.

It's only on that pro.

That makes two of us.

You're not having second thoughts, not when we've gone this far.

Oh, don't go and upset yourself. I never said I was having second thoughts.

You intimated it.

Well, I didn't mean to.

Well, you don't usually drink at this time of the day. Sure you don't object

me only having a little one.

It was a little one out of a big bottle. I can smell it from here.

Bridegroom to be drunk at reception.

You know I'm perfectly sober.

Whether I'm perfectly sane or not is another matter.

Hold it for a close -up.

I feel that Madame Wu would have been a better present.

At least we got our money back.

I've got the headline.

Made to measure.

Ain't? Oh, I never give my age.

But let me put it this way. If life was a train ride from London to Manchester,

I'd have just gone through Birmingham.

On an express.

Well, where would a marriage take place?

Oh, we haven't got that far yet.

Well, when are you planning to do it? We haven't got that far yet, have we?

Don't tell me you're going after me already.

Trombo. Oh, Mrs Axelby.

I see.

It's for you, Mrs. Slocum. She's very anxious to tell you something. Don't

worry. Whatever you hear in the next few minutes, I shall be here to take care

of you for the rest of your natural life.

And the rest of my life as well.

Hello? Yes.

No.

No. I don't believe it.

Tell me. She's really going to need you now.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

Oh, it's like a miracle.

Did you say six?

Right, I'll meet you in the pub. No, no, no, I'm not doing anything tonight.

Right, bye -bye.

That was Mrs Axelby, and they found Tiddles. And what do you think?

She's got six babies.

We think that she escaped into the garden of a pedigree cat that lives

And from the markings, I think I can guess who it is.

It's Emperor Chong of Bangkok.

That's going to take a bit of competing with.

I'll do for that.

Mrs Stephen, did you mean what you said, that you weren't doing anything

tonight? Oh, well, I've got a family to bring up now, you know, and, well, I

won't be ready again until they're grown up.

Can you wait?

I'll do my best.

Oh,

yeah, right, I'll tell her. We've got the results of the raffle.

You've won the parrot.

Oh, no, I can't have that in the house with six kids.

You pay for the ticket here. It's yours.

I don't know what to say.