Original subtitles

Good morning, Mr. Harmon.

Morning, Captain Peacock.

May I inquire who ordered the centre display to be changed? Mr. Rumbold.

There's an epidemic of flu in the sports department and they have been

inaugurated with the ladies and gentlemen's department until such time

staff recover.

I wish someone would tell me.

Perhaps when you rise high enough, you will be let into executive decisions.

Morning, Peacock. Heard the news?

From as high up as maintenance.

I don't think the staff will approve.

Well, this is a management decision. The staff will sell whatever is required.

Look, a set of golf clubs could cost over 200 pounds. I should think the

commission on that would be attractive.

True, to those who are on commission.

But in my position as floor walker, I have to be able to direct the potential

customer to the goods he requires.

I take it that the added responsibility of assimilating this knowledge will be

reflected in an increase in my salary?

You do know what a golf club looks like.

Naturally. Can you differentiate between a ping -pong bat and a tennis racket?

I take that to be a rhetorical question.

Are fishing rods foreign to you? No.

Well, you've already assimilated enough knowledge to do the job and we haven't

even opened yet.

Good try, Captain Peacock. That's the drawback of being a gent.

Hunting, shooting and fishing must be second nature to you.

I wouldn't look too smug if I were you.

With the backing of my staff, I'm confident you'll soon be moving all this

again.

What's that contraption for?

I will explain.

Here we have some stimulated glass, upon which we place a rubberized mat

with a built -in golf tee.

A ball on the piece of string, which in turn is attached to that distance meter,

which enables the golf pro to demonstrate his swing.

What golf pro?

The one from sports, Mr. Walpole. The one the girls is fottie about.

But this spot is where I stand.

Well, remember, if he shouts for a duck... The bad spell of

weather has, I feel, affected this month's figures, but happily, ladies'

underwear has remained steady, although men's trousers have been down.

Top is to Mr Grace, the council, and one to five. Have you got all that?

Um, the bad spell of weather...

No, that is an appalling spell of weather. You really must do better.

Sorry, it's my shorthand.

Enter.

Sorry to trouble you, Mr. Rumball, but there's a delegation from the Ladies and

Gentlemen Department led by Captain Peacock to see you. Oh, very well. Show

in. Mr.

Rumball, we'll see the delegation.

Would you step this way, please?

Please be as brief as possible. I have a lot waiting for me on my desk.

Here I see.

Sir, the sales staff and myself are in agreement that we do not wish to sell

sporting goods on this floor.

And I am unanimous in that.

You can't have ping -pong bats and knickers on the same counter. They don't

together. You should read the news of the world more often.

I should have thought that if a customer bought some sporting equipment, that

would be a very good opportunity to introduce them to the normal stock.

For instance, Mr Huntress, the purchase of a golf club.

could lead you to suggest a pair of gloves or a scarf.

Or a pair of white rugs to improve his swing.

Exactly. You have to be conversant with the stock to be able to sell it.

Yeah, we ought to be paid more for knowing more.

And another thing. I want to know what's happened to that fur coat, what was on

the centre stand, and what was due to be reduced to sale price.

I've been saving up for that for months.

Yes, well, it's back in the stockroom. It'll be sold to another branch.

That's why she put everyone off it.

Yes, well, if everyone has had their say, I really must get on with my work.

Everyone has not had their say.

A simulated grass carpet has been laid in my area on which I understand a

certain Mr.

Walpole is to demonstrate his golf swing.

I would like to know where I am to stand while he does it.

Mr. Walpole?

Not that good -looking man with the lovely...

They all had the flu except Mr Walpole. He's always very fit. That's why we

never see him in the canteen. He's always jogging round the roof.

All this is beside the point. We have a unanimous vote not to sell sporting

goods. We did have, but it would be a pity if poor Mr Walpole had nowhere to

demonstrate his equipment.

It is only until the rest get better.

Hands up those for sporting equipment.

Come on, let's go and see if he's arrived.

Oh, yes!

Oh, Peacock, you're the troublemaker in this affair.

Make a note of that, Miss Belfridge. When I entered this office, everyone was

behind me.

That's before they heard about Mr. Walpole.

Oh,

look at him swinging those big shoulders.

Oh, and he's got such a lovely smile. I love a man with a lovely smile.

He's so handsome.

I wonder how old he is. I should think it's about your age.

All the girls in accounts are mad about him. I heard he bought one of them a

simulated fur coat, just like the one what you wanted.

Oh, the lucky devil. Of course, that's the trouble, you know. Men like that can

get girls half their age.

He's a very charming man.

Do you know him? To talk to, I mean.

We just nod to each other in the lift. Oh, good day.

Introduce him.

Shall I?

Do I look all right?

Morning, Mr Walpole.

Morning. You're, um... Humphreys, first assistant on the men's counter.

Hi, Humphreys.

Nice to see you.

As you can see, I'm up here for a spell. I hope I'm not going to be in your way.

Oh, not at all.

If there's anything you want to know about sporting equipment, just ask me.

You,

uh... Ever been around a golf course?

No, once or twice.

Got a handicap?

So they tell me.

Oh, I know Miss Brown. She's one of the prettiest girls in the store.

Don't tell me you're going to be working up here on this floor.

Well, yes, actually, I stand just over there, just a few feet away.

I think I see someone else that would like to be introduced.

All right, it's your turn. This is Mrs.

Slocum. I don't think you've met.

I'm so glad to meet you in the flesh at last.

I've often mentioned your smile to Miss Bronze. Haven't I, Miss Bronze?

Yeah, like just now when you was peering round a corner.

Tell me, Miss Locum, where do you work? Oh, I'm in charge of the ladies.

So that's why we haven't met.

No.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm head of the ladies' department.

Miss Bronze is my assistant.

We're going to be keeping an eye on you.

Miss Barnes, get a brush and sweep up over there.

A rip of dirt, she.

Old Peacock's feathers are a bit ruffled. This is going to be

Ah, Peacock, right?

Captain Peacock, yes.

I'm Walpole of sports.

Welcome.

Excuse me, Captain, but are you going to stand right there?

Right here.

Well, I'm supposed to swing this club to attract the customers.

I don't see any, do you?

No, you're right.

Do you play? You've got the build for it.

Yes, I have swung a club now and then, but I've never thought of taking it up

seriously. I might when I retire. After all, it is a game for the older man.

Unless, of course, one has to earn a living by it. I do terrific at the

weekends. Would you like to have a swing? I could show you a few pointers.

No, thank you. Oh, go on. You often told us how good you were.

Yes, you remember during the war when you used the bomb craters for bunkers.

Go on, be a start, then we can all have a go. I haven't held a club for years.

Go on, try that for weight.

Look,

straight away, the Arnold Palmer grip.

Oh, so it is.

Nice weight.

Number two wood?

Three. Brilliant. It feels like a number two.

Now I see the lift on the face.

I'll take the ball up. When you hit it, the string pulls on the indicator to

show how far it would have gone.

If he hits it.

It's all coming back to me now.

How's that?

Well, feet further apart and open your face a bit. It's another world, isn't

Try a practice swing.

Are you sure you're not a scratch player?

Oh, no, no, no. I just have good coordination, good eye for the ball.

Look, you give it a clout and we'll watch the clock to see how far it goes.

I should probably miss... Mrs.

Stokeham, you're in my way.

Will you and Miss Brown stand over there, please? Sorry, Captain Peacock.

Hold it.

That's a perfect position.

You see, he's charming him. Ooh, if I was a bit younger, I'd be in there with

chance of a fur coat.

No, just relax.

And address the ball.

Dear balls.

Sorry.

Be quiet. He needs all his concentration.

Here he goes.

Ball!

The string broke and it says on the clock 150 yards.

She's out cold as bitter on the edge.

Yes, we're on the count.

Come on.

Oh, thank goodness. I thought we'd lost.

department in Grace Brothers, and I'm Captain Peacock. Well, what am I doing

here? Well, you've worked here for years.

I want to go home to my mummy.

Can you remember your name?

My name's Betty, but my mummy says I mustn't talk to strange men.

You can talk to me. Now, what is the date?

I've no idea.

Well, who's the Prime Minister?

Obviously, lost her memory. We've got to try and get it back gradually.

Well, gradually.

We could all be old men before she remembers how old she is.

Treat her gently.

How can you be gentle with someone who thinks they're still at school when

over 50?

Well, I don't know.

Come on. Come on, Betty. We must help you off the counter. No, no.

That's Mr Walpole from sports.

Now, Mrs Slocum, I suggest you go and lie down for a bit.

Who's Mrs Slocum? You are.

Oh, are we playing mummies and daddies?

Thank you.

Hang on, hang on. Now, now, Betty.

Now, now, now, look. Now, just feel there. Look. Can you feel that bump on

head? Yes.

You were hit on the head with a golf ball. And you've temporarily lost a

-weeny little bit of your memory. And all you can remember is being a little

girl. Is that correct?

Well, if we're going...

pretend, and I work here, what do I do?

Well, you're a junior, of course.

On the ladies' counter.

You work under the big girl, Miss Brahms.

Am I satisfactory so far?

You've done very well. Now, why don't you go and have a lie down in the

room for a bit?

Yes, come along, Betty.

Let's go see who's in the listening corner.

I'd better go and find another practice ball mechanism. The one we've got is

obviously faulty.

Do you think it will come back?

It's not going to be very nice for her drawing her old age pension before she's

21.

Oh, you're going to copy Captain Peacock when Mr. Rumbold finds out. Mr.

Spooner, Mr. Rumbold will not find out. This is going to be a secret just

between us.

Her memory's bound to come back. Perhaps there's just some little part of her

brain that's still numb.

Thank you for your support.

Well, it wasn't your fault, Captain Peacock. But I can't help feeling

mean... What if she doesn't recover? I could be sued.

There's lots of cases of temporary amnesia.

We'll just have to play along until it comes back.

Yes, I agree.

Thank you, Wilberforce.

Not at all, Stephen.

Please return to your counter, will you? Yes, sir.

Good morning, sir.

Sir, this is where the sports department's got you. Yes, sir.

What will it be today?

Well, the trout are rising, and I need some fly -fishing gear.

Mr. Humphreys, are you free?

I am free.

This gentleman would like your help. Certainly. Thank you.

Good morning, sir. Good morning. Well, spring is here, and the old trout have

started to rise, but I'm afraid these old hands of mine are a bit shaky.

Sir, I see.

I'm afraid I can't do me own flies anymore.

Well, I'm rather busy and I'm not allowed to leave the counter.

Well, I need a couple of nymphs and half a dozen doctors.

You shouldn't be out.

Oh, and some mayflies.

In fact, I'll take the whole box. Everything I need in there. Box of flies

assaulted.

There we are, sir.

You, uh, you fly fish, of course. Of course.

Wet or dry?

Well, I usually take an umbrella just in case.

Well, I've got a bank on the haven.

Where do you go?

Nat West.

I like the security.

Is this cash or account?

Account.

Thank you. Well, it's nice meeting a fishing man.

Tight lines.

Tight lines.

She's over the initial shock. She's feeling quite perky. Oh, thank heaven

that. Has her memory come back? No, but I did as you suggested and I told her

she was my junior and we're busy selling sports equipment.

Did she believe you? She couldn't get out of her clothes quickly enough and

something younger. If Rumble sees you, he'll do his pieces.

Well, so long as she keeps quiet, she can't look that different.

Don't you believe it.

get her to a doctor. She'll get arrested if we let her go home like that.

Where is she now? I mean, lunch is nearly over.

Miss Brown should have taken her to the little girl's room. Then she wanted to

go out and play.

Mind boggled.

Where's Mr Walpole?

Apparently he went to the hospital to get an anti -flu jab.

Well, as long as we can keep it from old Rumbolt, it'll be all right. But if he

finds out about Mrs Slocum, we'll have to tell him it was Captain Peacock

fagging away at golf balls that did it. You all encouraged me. I didn't want to

hit that blasted ball.

Look out, here they come.

Oh, look.

Nice, clean, handy -pandy.

Oh, God.

Are you not ready to order your pudding?

I want jelly. You wait your turn. Now, what's it to be?

Spongeon custard or apricot tart.

I must say the menu's improved.

That's because we settled our waste dispute.

I thought you were being very civil.

I want jelly.

There's no jelly on the menu, Betty.

If I don't...

isn't feeling very well. She has an unsettled stomach. Now, if you could

possibly make a special jelly, I'll pay for it.

I can be sick whenever I like.

I know.

She doesn't look too good to me. I'll see what I can do. Now, hands up for

sponge and custard.

Right.

Don't forget your jelly!

Let me not if she's only joking.

I should hope so.

I've been accused of having a bad temper, and I'm doing my best to keep it

control. No, no, no, look, she's just in a playful mood.

And after all, one must have a little light relief, and this is supposed to be

friendly, happy store.

I know I take my job too seriously, but it's having to deal with people like

you, Mr Rumble, that gets up my nose. Well, you just have to let yourself go a

bit. I mean, we are all normal, working human beings like yourself.

That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, brother.

Very naughty. Now, sit up straight at the table.

Oh, she responds to you.

I've always been very good with children.

Put that out!

I'm going to count to three, and I want to see it on that plate.

Shunt.

One, two, three.

Right. Go on, leave the table.

Ignore him, ignore him. You can stay at the table. He didn't mean it.

You never bring her up properly like... Like that.

Just ignore her.

Well, Miss Browns, what sort of a morning did you have?

Oh, I sold two tennis rackets and a pair of knickers.

Oh!

You shouldn't say knickers. It's rude.

Ignore her.

How about you?

Well, I sold some fishing tackle to a very strange man, a number seven iron, a

pair of plus fours, and a pair of J -O -C -K -E -Y shorts.

I want a riddle.

Oh, not again.

If I don't get a riddle, I'll scream and scream.

Mr Humphreys. Would you look at me?

Please tell me a riddle.

Oh, tell you a riddle.

Does anybody know a riddle? I do.

What goes up a chimney down but won't go down a chimney up?

An umbrella.

I wanted to do the riddle.

Don't spoil it for Betty.

A riddle?

When is a door not a door?

When is a door not a door?

Give in!

When is a door not a door?

When it's a jar.

Oh, when it's a jar.

I don't think that was a very funny riddle.

Couldn't you give me a better riddle? I already used my best riddle.

When can I go home?

You've got to play for this afternoon and then you can go home.

She'll have to go home with you. She gets on well with you.

She's not coming home with me. My boyfriend's coming round tonight.

I don't want her bouncing up and down on the sofa while we're watching Dallas.

Yes, it's a bit quite enough for her.

Haven't you got an attic? You could lock her up there.

Look, it's all his fault. Peacock can take her home.

Good heavens, I can't. We're having a bridge party. I can't cancel everyone

No, by his own admission, Mr Humphreys is very good with children.

I think he should take her home.

She's not coming home with me. She's as strong as an ox.

I'm not having my Paddington bear pulled to pieces.

Can't we send her to an orphanage till she gets better?

Hang her back down. No, you can't. You've ordered jelly and you'll wait

comes. Charles.

You will.

Charles. You will.

Be told.

If the wind changes, you'll stay like that.

Well, that's it, is it?

You've obviously got the knack, Miss Danvers. You can look after her.

Horse, sponge and custard.

One jelly with cream on top.

Here, I asked for jelly and I didn't get it.

Oh, you poor man. Do you want to have mine?

Oh, thank you very much. Oh, here you are.

Right. You asked for it.

Right, man. Excuse me.

What's the service like?

Captain Peacock actually took a golf club and hit a ball in the enclosed

premises of the store. Now, that was in itself a dangerous thing to do.

It was a practice ball attached to a piece of string.

And what happened? The string broke. The ball hit Mrs. Slocum on the head. Now

she's lost her memory. And who's responsible for it? You are, Peacock.

We did egg him on.

I do not hold myself responsible for faulty equipment.

Anyone could have hit that ball.

Yes, but the fact remains, Peacock, you hit it, and you were not authorized.

Who ordered the equipment to be placed there?

Well, I did, of course.

Without checking if it was faulty or not?

If there was something wrong with the string, the makers are at fault, not me.

Well, it was old stock.

Probably out of guarantee.

What if she sues us?

Well, at the moment, it'll only be for jelly beans.

How bad is she?

I had very little time in the restaurant to evaluate her condition, but you say

she seems rather backward.

Let me put it this way. The last time I saw her, she was sliding down the main

banister with a pea shooter taking a ping at bathroom fittings.

Oh, good heavens, if Mr. Grace ever hears about this. Well, where is she

Enter.

We've got a problem.

It's Mrs. Slocum.

Oh, what's the latest position?

She's driving the golf car flat out round the department with no hand

That's it.

I don't care what method you use, drugged, darts, a net, anything.

I want Mrs. Glowcup in here right away, immediately.

The hospital should have operated by now. She's been gone three hours. It

your fault, Captain.

It was the equipment. Oh, stop.

Men's wear.

The hospital?

You've lost her?

Oh, she was such a young woman.

I see. Thank you. What a relief.

Yes, thank you, sister.

What happened?

Apparently, they got her in the ambulance and gave her a lollipop. Then

her on this trolley to take her down to X -ray.

She dropped her lolly, fell off the trolley right on her head.

Oh, poor Mrs.

Slocum. No, it's all right. It brought her memory back. She ran out of the

hospital about an hour ago. She should be here any minute.

Thank goodness for that.

Mrs. Slocum is coming up the other lift, and she don't look too pleased.

Oh, thank heavens you're all right.

All right? Do you know what time it is? It's half past five. I've lost a whole

day's commission, not to mention being concussed by Captain Pete.

No, it wasn't Captain Peacock's fault. It was the equipment.

I'm going to sue for damages. After all, it was an industrial accident.

Right, that's it. I'm off home now. Good night, everybody.

Would you need me tomorrow, Mr, um... Rumbold.

And definitely not. This department is going back to normal.

Oh. Well, you all know where I am if you want to play around.

Thank you.

I'm going to sue everybody for that bang on my brain.

Well, I think Mr Rumbold is the person to discuss that with.

For my part, I'm just relieved to have the same old bad -tempered Mrs. Slocum

back again.

Now, calm yourself, Mrs. Slocum.

I'm sure we can settle all this amicably without undue fuss. Now, what would

make you happy?

Well, I would have liked that simulated fur coat that was due to be reduced,

what was on the centre stand until it was moved.

That's easily settled. And, Mr. Harmon, will you get that simulated puma out of

stock, please?

Right away, Mr. Rambone. It's still by the goods left.

I do hope I'm going to get a very favourable discount.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Oh, oh, I've come over all dizzy. I'll have to sit down.

I would have thought you'd give it to her after all she'd been through. Oh!

Of course.

What a good idea.

Your Lordship.

Thank you. Now, Mrs. Slocum, just slip into it and see how it fits. Oh, I know

how it fits.

Oh, you look just like a film star.

Oh, do I?

Which one?

Well, it's very Bette Davis.

I don't look as old as that, do I?

Well, I mean when she was in Black and White.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Well, with the compliments of Grace Brothers, and we trust that the

accident that caused your little loss of memory is now forgotten.

What accident?

Oh, splendid.

Well, I must be off.

Good night. Oh, just the feel of it. I never thought I'd get my hands on this.

Well, you wouldn't had it not been for the accident.

No, that's true.

Can't remember anything.

When? When you got hit on the head.

Oh, you mean... When I was a little girl.

You mean you hadn't lost your memory after all? Oh, yes, I had. Just for a

minute. until that lovely Mr Walpole helped me off the counter.

And when he held me in his arms and I looked up into his eyes, I thought,

never buy me a fur coat like this.

So all the time you mean to say that you... Oh, you'll never know now, will

But I'll tell you something, I couldn't have had much lunch. Ooh, I'm starving.

What would you fancy and where would you like to go?

Well, how about the ice cream parlour?