Original subtitles

Thank you for your custom, madam.

If it's not rude, may I ask, why do you want 20 pairs of tights at one go?

Well, a girlfriend and I are going to Italy for a holiday, and everywhere you

there, the men grab at you.

No.

You have never heard of that before.

What part of it are they?

Rome. It's hardly safe to go in a restaurant, never mind the street. You

have to swat them like flies with your handbag and run for it. No.

I've even been pinched in the via veneto.

No wonder you need such thick wine.

There's your receipt.

Have a nice holiday. Thank you.

Have you thought we... you going for your holidays this year, Mrs. Slocum?

Well, I had thought of going to the Isle of Wight with Mrs. Axelby.

But on second thoughts, I might go and try to get a peep at the poof.

But he's in Rome, and that's where their men grab you and ladder you tight.

The pilgrim's path is never easy.

How's the morning, Captain Peacock?

I don't like you to be late. Sir?

Whether I'm early or late, I don't expect a comment from a junior.

Do you have so much for my lift this morning?

Lift? Oh, yes.

Don't mention it.

Mind you, it was lucky that I spotted you at the bus stop.

You were parked there when I arrived.

I was just adjusting my seatbelt.

Oh, did you have the same problem with yours as you had with mine?

Well, of course, you and Mrs. Peacock are different sizes, which is why I

Captain Peacock had such a struggle.

Don't let me forget to pay to order my breakfast.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It was only a snack.

Well, that's very kind of you.

It was nothing.

For you, maybe, but it's the first time that I've ever been to the Ritz.

The Ritz?

Last with the signing in book. Yes, sir.

And get on with your work.

Oh, dear. You've left a ten off, sir.

What do you mean?

Well, it's ten past nine. You've put under arrival 9am.

Shall I put it in for you, sir?

You're not very careful, Mr Spooner. I shall put it in for you.

Now, where's Mr Humphreys?

Oh, he had an early customer, sir.

He wanted a golf club to go with a cap he bought. So Mr Humphreys has taken him

up to sports so that he can put it all on the same bill.

Oh, very well. Carry on.

Oh, you're asking for trouble, Mr Spooner. You know very well that Mr

isn't in yet. Don't worry. I've forged his name in the book. He'll be here in a

minute. What's the matter with him? This is the third... Good morning. He's been

late. He's not been at all himself lately.

Well, look, when he appears at the top of the stairs, try and distract old

Peacock's attention.

Otherwise, I'll be in the suit with him.

Right. Mrs. Slocum, as a senior salesperson, you should know that your

area does not extend past the centre display stand.

Captain Peacock! And I trust you're not going to make a belligerent remark, as

I'm in no mood to bandy words with you.

No, Captain Peacock.

I just came to borrow a pen.

Have mine.

Thank you.

Now, where are we? Oh, yes, Captain Peacock.

Ten past nine.

Would he allow the infio doing that?

Well, he's just like a dictator. If he was in South America, he'd have been

overthrown by now.

I can see it now.

Evita Slocum takes over.

Now you come to think of it, there is a slight family resemblance.

I don't look anything like Eva Perron.

Oh, not to her, to her old man.

Get that basket off the floor or you'll cop it from Captain Peacock.

Not half as much as Mr. Humphreys will. Look, he's trying to creep in.

Oh. Oh, goodness me.

My suspenders come undone.

You have a go, Miss Browns.

Oh, gosh, my suspender has gone.

suspenders. That's what I mean. They're gone.

Don't get back at me.

Now, get off the floor. Oh, thanks.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh

Why is this dummy suddenly wearing a hat and coat and carrying a suitcase?

Dummies often wear hats and coats and carry suitcases. It suggests to the

customer travel.

Then this one must be expecting a long journey. He has a half -eaten sandwich

his pocket.

And the bite shows a gap in the front teeth.

Well, the suitcase has the initials WCH, which point to one very obvious fact,

that you, Mr. Humphreys, are late again.

And to make matters worse, you persuaded Mr Spooner to purge himself on your

behalf. In fact, your whole behaviour these past few days has been most

peculiar. What have you to say?

What are you trying to say?

It's his mother.

They've had a tiff.

It's a very personal matter.

He's had to pack his bag and leave home.

He saw he was late, and he was the one that put me up to putting his name in

book and saying it was with a customer.

Little fibber, that was your idea.

You've only come to me in the first place and taken me aside and told me

you had personal problems. I would have understood.

I am not unapproachable.

After all, we have been acquaintances for quite some time.

Come on now.

Stand up like a man.

I don't know if you can get to it.

Pretend that none of this happened.

Thank you, Captain Peacock.

It's not like me to go to pieces, but I've been under a great deal of strain

recently. The matter is finished.

I'll go and hang these up.

Oh,

poor Mr.

Humphreys. No wonder he's been looking pale. He loves his mother. It must have

been something quite serious to make them fall out.

Well, it's about time he left home. I mean, then before... Well, some men take

longer.

And if ever he needs a bed, he can be sure of one at my home.

Can I help you, ladies?

Yes. Where's Mr Humphreys? I've got something in the pram that belongs to

He's got that bed at your house.

No wonder it's not been himself.

Mr Humphreys? Yes, Captain Peacock?

Someone to see you.

It's my next -door neighbour and a daughter.

Hello. What are you doing here?

I spoke to your mother this morning. She suggested that I should come into town

and leave this with you.

Poor man.

A lawyer hasn't enough problems.

You don't think it's his, do you?

Oh, however could I leave it behind?

That little face and those pointed ears mean a lot to me.

Blimey, it is his.

She's been ever so upset.

So have I.

Any messages?

Just tell her to cancel my raspberry yoghurt.

Very well.

And tell her I'm never coming home ever, ever again.

Don't worry.

I'm not going to cry in front of you.

Just look at him, chatting her up again.

I can't get over him giving her a lift and breakfast at the Ritz.

Well, he always chats up the new girls. And if it looks like getting anywhere,

he starts spending it like water.

That's a little more wine.

Oh, no, I'm late a bit here. They'd better get back.

Um, can I pay for my lunch?

No, no, no, it is my pleasure.

Oh, thank you.

See you later.

Look, he's only put his name on it for tomorrow.

It's pathetic. A man of his age chatting up a young girl like that. I quite

agree. Mind you, when I... was younger, he used to chat me up.

But he never got anywhere.

Yeah, but, I mean, he was younger then, and, well, he was more of an age.

You might not realise it, but when I was younger, I had men coming out of the

woodwork.

She used to spray on rent -a -kilt to keep them off.

She's a nice girl, Miss Belfridge.

A bit lonely, of course, being new and not knowing anyone.

And if your wife finds out that you've been waiting at bus stops, You might be

lonely, too.

Not really.

I was just making Miss Belfridge feel at home.

She happens to be a very bright girl, and there was nothing more to it than

that.

Did you say to wait at the front door tonight, or the back?

The back.

Very bright.

No wonder he put his name on the bottle.

I really don't see why I can't speak to a member of staff without all these

unnecessary comments.

Once you have a reputation, it isn't easy to lose it.

Reputations are built on gossip. I have no interest in Miss Belfridge

whatsoever. Well, I'm glad about that, because she's just kissing a bloke in

maintenance. Well, sorry, my mistake.

You know, where's Mr Humphreys got to?

Oh, he said he was going to the pub for a quick one.

That's not like Mr Humphreys.

Well, you'd better hurry up, because... is nearly over.

Yeah, you'll never guess what. There's been a punch -up down the pub. Oh, but

that's where Mr Humphries is.

Oh, I hope he's all right.

He started it. Apparently some geezer complained that Mr Humphries kept

the same tune over and over again on the jukebox.

What was it?

I'll do it my way.

Hey, look, I think he's had a few.

I'll better get him a black coffee.

Who can I turn to when nobody needs me?

My heart wants to know, and so I must go where destiny leads me.

How, Chris, I want you in my office immediately.

My word, that was quick.

Have you been drinking? I just went to the pub. I only had one.

You look as if you've had more than one.

Well, I had a leaky glass, and they had to keep filling it up.

This is a very serious matter I have to talk to you about.

I'm sure that what you've got to say can be said in front of my colleagues.

Here, take this.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, very well.

During the past few days, there's been a discrepancy in the returns from the

cash till on the man's counter.

No.

Well, a pound here or there can always be a mistake. One must make allowances

for human error.

But lately, it's escalated and...

I'm afraid I had to employ a covert operation to identify the miscreant. You

snakey devil!

Last night, witnessed by my secretary, I put two marked five -pound notes in the

till on the men's counter.

I have just checked the contents against sales.

Um?

No sales, but the two five -pound notes are missing.

I must therefore assume that whoever's responsible still has them about their

person. You don't mean to say you suspect Mr Humphrey?

I've got nothing to hide. Nothing at all.

One hanky.

My wallet.

All the fancy things.

And... My lucky conker.

Where are the marked notes, then?

They don't appear to be here.

In that case, I think you owe Mr Humphreys an apology.

Yes, I apologise.

I'm placed in a very difficult position.

any discrepancy falls on my head. Bounces off his ears.

Right, well, let's see who has the note and end this unfortunate matter once and

for all. Well, I'm scared.

35p and a picture of Groucho Marx.

One ten -pound note and five singles and a receipt for breakfast at the race.

Three pounds and 25 and a half p.

120 in 20.

It's overtime. Check with the counts if you don't believe me.

No, no, no, no, no. It's two marked five -pound notes we're looking for, and

clearly they're not here.

What about Mr. Rumbold?

He's got a key for the till.

Don't be ridiculous. I was the one who set the trap.

It's only fair, as we've had to expose our personal belongings, that you should

do the same.

Oh, very well.

Examine that peacock.

Do you insist, sir? I do.

Would the mark you placed on the £5 note be a cross in red ink?

Yes, that's right.

In the top right -hand corner?

Correct.

And this is your wallet?

Of course.

It's got my initials on it. CR for Cuthbert Rumble.

In gold.

Then I must assume that this is one of the missing notes.

Good heavens.

CR, of course, we should have guessed. Criminal record.

Wait a minute, let me think.

Yes, I remember. Miss Brahms had a personal advance from me last week and

it back this morning. You must remember, Miss Brahms.

Please.

Oh, yes, I think I do remember, but I got that fiver from you, Mrs.

Slocum. So the arch -villainess is unmarked.

of the morning, I do remember lending Miss Brahms a fiver. It was one of two

that I got from Captain Peacock in exchange for a tenner that I had to

get a fiver to give to Miss Brahms.

I can see it now.

Peacock in Pentonville.

The top tells all.

Before you all jump to hasty conclusions, those two five -pound notes

gave to Mrs. Slocum were given to me by Mr. Humphreys. Are you denied?

No, that's perfectly true.

I gave you two five -pound notes out of the tin in exchange for a ten -pound

note.

That accounts for one five -pound note. And none of us has the other.

Well, I'm forced to say that the finger of guilt did, for a time, point to your

department, but I retract my suspicions as there's no definite proof.

The release of it all.

He's going through a personal crash.

Left home.

Nowhere to go.

Nearly 49.

And he's very relieved that it's all over.

Now, come on, Chuck. Dry your eyes.

A cross on the corner.

Oh, it came out of your top, old kid. I'm afraid this is the end of a very

promising career.

I'm innocent.

It doesn't look like it. You can't convict a man without a fair trial.

I wouldn't dream of doing so.

Now, we'll keep this an internal matter. We'll have an inquiry in the department

before we even consider dismissal. So, if you wouldn't mind all waiting behind

for five minutes after we close, we can settle it then. Five minutes?

Well, it's an open and shut case. It shouldn't take any longer.

Depends who the judge is.

This is not a trial, Mr Harmon.

No, more in the nature of a kangaroo court.

What's that?

That's where they jump over the edge of the normal laws of justice.

Won't be a bit... like that. We shall investigate every aspect of the case.

Anything that can be said in Mr. Humphrey's favour will be said and all

mitigating circumstances will be considered most sympathetically.

And then they sack him.

Mr. Harmon, are you ready?

Yes, my lad. The jury are all in their places.

Don't call them a jury, Mr. Harmon. They are a committee of inquiry consisting

of his fellow workers.

Excuse me, why's old Mr Wagstaff been dragged in here?

Well, I always take him to the bus stop, so he might as well sit there while

he's waiting.

Oh, very well. Let's get on. Yes.

The court would like to call the prisoner to the dock, accompanied by the

defence counsel, Miss Betty Slocum, called to the bar at 5 .30, only had

for one gin and tonic before she was called out of here.

What's going on?

Well, somebody's got to speak up for him. He can't put it properly himself.

That's been my trouble all along.

The court would like to call Captain Stephen Peacock QC and bar.

What's he doing here?

I've elected Captain Peacock to put the case against Mr Humphreys.

The court is now in session. Would the accused kindly take a stand?

Perhaps we can get this over with. Captain Peacock?

Yes, sir.

Now, the charge against Mr Humphreys is... Objection! What is it?

My client objects to Miss Belfridge being on the jury on the grounds that

your secretary and is biased, seen as how she's up for a rise and doesn't want

to get into your bad books.

Miss Belfridge is merely an employee who happens to work in my office. She's

completely impartial. Isn't that so, Miss Belfridge? Yes, God bless you.

Oh, very well. Come and sit next to me and you can take notes.

Now, let's get on with this.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Well, if I might have your undivided attention.

We have to have that.

Unfortunately, one of his batteries is rather low.

The charge against Mr. Humphrey is... He can't hear what's being said in my

class.

on the jury, don't you? Well, I don't care one way or the other, which is

unusual for me.

Mr. Wagstaff.

Mr. Wagstaff.

Can you hear me?

If ever I saw a guilty man, it's him.

Mr. Wagstaff is discharged.

Go downstairs and wait at the exit.

We don't seem to be getting anywhere. Please get on with it, Captain Peacock.

I'm doing my best, sir.

Now, the charge is that Mr. Humphreys removed a marked five -pound note from

till. This was later discovered at his top pocket, which proves he did it.

my case rests.

Do you wish to examine the defendant?

Do I have to?

Well, it would give him the chance to make some feeble explanation to explain

otherwise open and shut case. Oh, very well.

Now, do you deny the charge?

I do. Then how do you explain that this £5 note was found in your top pocket?

Well, I've had a lot of problems at home recently.

You see, my mother's taken up with this man that she hardly knows.

She, excuse me, she met him while they were out jogging. Well, he was jogging,

she was feeding the ducks in the park.

Well, she's moved him into the spare room.

Well, I said to her, if she does that, I'm going to leave home. Well, this

morning, I packed my case and I did. Mr. Humphries, does all this have anything

whatsoever to do with the case?

Well, of course it does. You see, when I left home, I broke open the piggy bank.

So I put all the small change in the case, brought it here, I counted it, it

just over five pounds.

So I put all the change in the till, took out a five -pound note and put it

me top pocket.

And you expect us to believe that tissue of lies?

I put it to these gentlemen.

Here.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Why didn't he tell us this before?

By his very reticence, he has accused himself.

Objection. What now?

The reason he didn't mention it before was because he was half -caught from the

pub. And by the time he'd sobered up and had time to think things over and

remember the events of the morning, events which, my learned counsel might

recall, suggested a lack of honesty on more than one member of the staff.

To whom are you referring?

My learned oppo here, what's doing the persecuting.

That's whom, and who deliberately entered a false time. of arrival on the

signing in book this morning. Objection. This has nothing to do with the case.

Objection overruled.

Any dishonest action by any member of the staff could place that member of the

staff under suspicion of not being entirely honest.

Permission to cross -examine.

Proceed.

Is the jury paying attention?

Oh, nothing's been missed, sir.

The court now calls Captain Stephen Peacock to take the stand.

It's like the remake of Twelve Angry Men.

On a low budget.

Go on, Mrs. Circle Girl, have a go.

Are you Captain Stephen Peacock, a floor walker at Grace Brothers?

No, I'm a rice pudding maker in Epping Forest.

The defendant will answer the question.

Well, of course I am.

If I wasn't, would I be sitting here at six o 'clock at night playing this damn

stupid charade?

Will the jury kindly note this outburst?

A display of aggression to a simple question might indicate a disturbed mind

and, as I shall prove, a dishonest mind.

The mind of a man who is desperate for money to keep up appearances at the

Bowles Club. The mind of a man who has two Parker pens.

And I don't mean crackers.

Harbourn. Did you or did you not enter a false arrival time in the signing -in

book this morning?

To answer that, I would have to ask you what time you think I arrived.

I and others know that you arrived at ten past nine and put down nine o 'clock

in the book, so there, what have you got to say to that, clever chops?

May I ask for the book?

I'll get it.

I find it difficult to believe that a senior member of staff could do such a

thing. Mind you, this is the most fascinating case. What about my case?

Silence, you call.

Exhibit A.

Signing a book. Now, let's get this quite clear. You, Mrs. Slocum, accuse

Captain Peacock of arriving at 9 .10 on the morning of the 12th, but

deliberately entering 9 a .m. in the book. Spot on.

How then do you account for the fact that 9 .10 is the time entered into the

book? What?

Oh, yes, I put that pen down myself.

You admit it?

I just told you.

So you've deliberately tried to get Captain Peacock into trouble by entering

false arrival time in the book. Oh, Captain Peacock, Captain Peacock, you

stand down. No, no, he wouldn't like that at all. Mr Spoon, then you come

here and tell them, isn't it true what I said about him coming at ten past nine

and putting nine o 'clock down in the book?

Objection. Defense is leading the witness.

Shut up.

Now, come on, what time did he arrive?

Ten past nine.

Which is the time entered in the book.

But that's what I put in myself!

You saw them!

I did, I did, and I swear to that on the staff magazine.

May I ask Mr Spooner just one pertinent question which will settle his validity

as a witness once and for all? I wish you would.

Mr Spooner, did you or did you not enter Mr Humphrey's time of arrival this

morning as 9am?

The truth now?

Yes, I did.

And did the aforementioned Mr. Humphreys arrive at 9 a .m.? No, sir, he didn't.

Would it not be more correct to say that he arrived at 9 .15 and that you purged

yourself on his behalf?

Look at me, boy!

Yes, sir, it's true, sir.

No more questions.

You may return to the jury.

Objection! My client doesn't want somebody on the jury. What lies!

Can't I say anything?

No, I've got to say it for you.

So now you've made matters worse.

Oh, well, you have a go then, because I'm dying to powder me nose.

Would the court please be so inclined to grant permission to defence counsel to

visit the car seat?

Permission granted.

I was going, whether it was or not.

I'm sorry for all this fuss, but what I said is true.

I did put the change in the till. I did take a five -pound note out, and I did

put it in my top pocket.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is the face of an innocent man.

Miss Brahms, you believe me, don't you? Oh, of course I do.

Oh, Mr Spooner, who's come on so well recently, you believe me.

You're never in any doubt.

Mr Harmon, have I? Have I been anything but straight?

You rephrase that, please.

I've ever nicked anything.

You've always behaved like a perfect gentleman. I know, but have I ever

anything? I don't think he's got the bottle.

Captain Peter, under that stern facade, there is a man who knows what's right

and what's wrong.

Can you honestly say with your hand on your heart that I have ever taken

anything that wasn't mine?

No. Thank you.

Up till now.

I must point out...

But if it wasn't you, then the finger of suspicion will fall upon one of us. And

we'll have to go through all this again.

Oh, no.

Captain Peacock is quite right. Hands up for guilty.

Not guilty.

For all.

Well, I have a casting vote. Guilty. And the judge's decision is final.

I will now pass sentence.

Mr. Humphreys, I must ask you to resign.

Resign? From Grace Brothers?

It's the only honourable thing for a gentleman to do.

But may I say that it is a great sadness for me that one small flaw in an

otherwise exemplary character should mar such a promising career.

I tried the YMCA if I was you.

I'm already on the waiting list.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I've always been such a good boy.

Tim Overlip.

Mr Harman.

I want that till changed and new keys issued.

I'm sorry about the delay, but I had a big cough.

Where is he?

He's resigned.

What about my winding up speech?

You're too late.

I shall never forget that sad look on his little face. And all that just for

five quid.

No, no, no. Over £50 has gone missing.

The buck had to stop somewhere.

Here. This till's faulty. There's a load of notes stuck at the back.

The missing money.

And now he's left home and he's not talking to his mother, we'll never find

to tell him. Oh, I hope he doesn't throw himself under a train. If only we knew

where he'd gone.

I forgot my Paddington bear.

Look, we found the missing money. It wasn't you.

I said I didn't do it.

I know it's not you. A message for whom?

Oh, yeah.

It's for you. It's your mother. She's an half -town upset.

Hello?

Hello, Mother.

Well, I said he'd let you down.

Look, why don't you put his jogging shoes outside the front gate?

I'll be home as soon as I can.

Bye.

If only you could talk. You'd have told them, wouldn't you?

Mind you, you might have told them one or two other things, so it's just as

well.

If you do that again, I'll be over to your side.