Original subtitles

Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods, waste and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food.

If

I

ruled the world, every day would be the first day of spring.

Half a scarecrow would be living in speaking.

If I ruled the world.

Mr.

Harvey, what are you doing?

There's a couple of moths in this Irish.

One of them female and the other's male, and I want to make sure they're not in

residence long enough to start a family.

Put it back at once. Only floor personnel are allowed to touch display.

Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. Won't happen again, sir. Right.

Can't you even put a wig on the right way?

Oh, blimey, you are in a bad mood this morning.

Well, I'm certainly not in a very good mood. I had to walk up the stairs. For

some reason, the lifts aren't working.

That's Mr. Grayson's order, sir. Due to the increase of electricity prices, he

has decreed that the lift is for the use of customers only, not to be used by

mere staff joyriding up and down.

And in his economy drive, he has sacked Elsie of cleaning, which is why I are

doing the work of two pairs of ends.

Good morning, Mr. Rumble.

Excuse me panting, but the lift is not working.

Good morning, Miss Belfridge. This is Mr Hartman of maintenance.

This is Miss Belfridge, my new secretary.

Hang your coat up and I'll join you when I've adjusted this wig properly.

Oh, I prefer you as you are, sir.

I think bald men are very sexy. No, he means on there, not on there.

Here,

use an half -pick and we're together, face free of the sun.

That will do, Mr Harmon. Miss Belfridge stood out from all the other applicants.

I'm not surprised.

Blimey, the lost drive.

Mr Rumble, I have a complaint, and I am unanimous in this.

We've been stood, standing, waiting downstairs for that lift, and it wasn't

working, and we've had to walk up all those stairs, and I'm fair puffed.

Yes, old machinery that's broken down ought to have a sign saying, out of

You should have two signs. One for the lift and one for Mrs. Slocum.

Mr. Spooner, if you're cheeky to me during working hours, you can expect a

reprimand. However, any of your lip before we open and you'll get my

off your outer.

As that was the opening bell, a reprimand is all we can allow.

Yes, find the book and get to your counter.

Where's Mr. Humphrey?

Oh, he was with us, but he went off.

Went off?

Yes, he said he couldn't climb all those stairs. It ruined the crazy trousers.

I've never heard such nonsense.

You still haven't explained why the lifts aren't working. Oh, Mr Harmon, Mr

Harmon, come and explain to Mrs Slocum, will you? Oh, yeah. Well, apparently,

due to the economic climate, plus OPEC vasculating, resulting in the prices of

general fuel increasing, we in Grace Brothers are saving electricity by using

the lift only for customers, which is why they ain't been switched on until

moment in time.

Can't have used the lips, neither can you.

Oh, maintenance, I'm going to test it.

And I'm now going to test it to make sure it gets me to the canteen in time

my coffee break.

Have a nice day.

Mr. Rumble, I must speak to you.

There's a man in a blue overcoat looking through the window of your office.

What's so strange about that?

He's outside and we're on the fourth floor.

Who was that?

His new secretary.

paying her out the electricity bill.

Blue overcoat?

Mr Humphreys!

Oh, he's never climbed that drainpipe!

Oh, not in those trousers.

You can't get it open!

Well, hurry up before it falls!

What's holding him up?

He was on a yoga course last week. Perhaps he's levitated himself.

Oh, thank you. It's very drafty out here. Up a bit, George.

This is most irregular. I was only using my initiative. I knew that the outside

of the building was being painted, and after a little light banter with the

workmen every morning, I took the advantage of their kind offer of a lift.

There's white paint on the back of your coat.

That must have been where I lost my nerve and he tried to steady me.

Do you know, I've no head for heights.

And he was well over six foot tall.

to sit with senior staff.

Let it be understood that you speak only when you're spoken to. Yeah, otherwise

you sit on your part.

I hope that's clear.

It is, Mrs. Slocum. Good. It's a pleasure.

And don't have the last word.

My apologies.

I said don't have the last word. I'm having the last word.

What was the last word? I forget.

I just said it.

Was that your last word?

Yes, it was.

Good. That's like an order now.

Don't be encouraging.

Where's the menu?

Oh, we don't need it. Just call the manageress over. Most of the menu's on

penny.

I'll attack her attention.

Here. She's very touchy. Don't antagonise her.

Don't tell me how to treat staff, Miss Browns.

Get him through.

Miss. Excuse me, miss.

Why don't you try a bread roll in a rear?

This is quite intolerable.

Were you aware that I was sitting there, clicking my fingers, clearing my throat

and banging my spoon?

I did notice it, yeah.

And what message do those actions convey to you?

Well, when my two -year -old does it, it usually means he wants to go to the

party.

Your insubordination and truculent attitude have not gone unnoticed and

reported. Good. That's what I ought. Then perhaps the governors will realise

that taking away my serving waitress will cause more trouble than it's worth

because I'm not serving and my union won't let me be fired.

Union? What union?

National Associated Canteen Employees, restaurant and domestic.

Knackered. I might again.

Well, can you at least tell me what we can eat and where and how we find it?

Or aren't you programmed to give an intelligent reply?

I'm happy to tell you the subsidy is off.

So unless you're prepared to pay executive dining room prices, you'll

make do with a set menu.

Oh, well, we're getting somewhere anyway.

And how do we get that?

By ringing that bell over there.

Hands up for the executive lunch at executive prices.

Hands up for the set lunch.

These economy cuts are... Too much. Don't worry, the lunch is free.

Oh, well, that'll make it taste better.

Don't be too hasty.

Once I built a railroad, and now it's done. Brothers, can you spare a dime?

What's been there?

The management is duty -bound to feed you with something.

but they would much prefer you to pay the full whack and have to halal cart.

I'm not complaining, because I get a few extra perks, black legging for the

waitress. What's that for?

These soup fooms are very corrosive, and my union would not allow me to endanger

my health.

They insist I wear industrial gloves for asbestos, and one of these will cover

that.

Wait, please.

What did he say?

Wait, please.

What did he say?

He said he doesn't know, but the bucket's only insured for one helping.

Well, they can have mine back.

I'll just have a coffee.

That goes for all of us. It's not so bad, really.

A hint of curry powder, a bit of chicken, fighting with a dissolved oxo

two noodles floating, and what could be a cabbage leaf.

Yeah, you're right. It smells worse than what it tastes.

Could be Chinese.

Yeah, the Ming dynasty.

They're just trying to get us to pay more by putting us off it.

What else is on this set menu?

That's it.

They reckon a week of that and you'll have to give in.

This is the sort of stuff we had during the war.

We had to march across the desert on this.

Well, if you wait till it congeals, you could drive a tank across it.

And the wage freeze will all be on our upper.

Yeah, if things don't pick up soon, I'll have to start a sideline.

Oh, as a matter of fact, I've already got one.

What is it?

It's something I do at home.

Oh,

that narrows it down a bit.

It's to do with nature.

Oh, my head's beginning to spin. Give us a clue.

I make my own perfume.

Oh, you never told me.

I've been experimenting for years. I love the aroma of flowers.

And when I smell them about the house, it makes me feel all light and gay.

Come to think of it, my mother used to take me to the botanical gardens a lot

when I was a little boy.

She's got a lot to answer for.

How do you hope to make money with homemade perfume?

Ah, well, I've mixed herbs that no one else has ever mixed before.

and I've come up with something that attracts the opposite sex.

Which opposite sex?

Oh, whichever sex is where in it, it attracts the opposite.

And does it really work?

Well, I inadvertently dropped some on my pussy, and they've been throwing

themselves against me catslap all night long.

What about human beings?

Well, me and Mrs Axelby have given it exhaustive tests in the pub.

And whenever we have just a little touch behind the ears, the men crowd round us

and buy us drinks.

No. Yes.

And they all say, what's that smell that's driving us mad?

Oh, Mrs Axelby has given up smoking cigars.

Yeah, you could make a fortune flogging that.

I know. And the ingredients are so simple, apart from my secret ingredient

It just consists of panther's breath and honeysuckle and a compote of roses and

wild thyme.

And, well, I thought that if we could sell it here across the counter, we

make quite a lot of money. Rumbled would never allow it.

Well, we won't tell Rumbled.

He'll keep it a secret. Sell it under the counter.

It wouldn't be a secret if I sold it. The minute I mentioned a special offer

roses and wild thyme under the counter, it'd be all round the building.

Bearing in mind that Rumble would never allow me to allow you to sell it on the

floor. Unless you was given a cut of the profits.

Well, we would have to convince Mr. Rumble that it actually worked.

That is to say that at the very least it was found to be attractive to the

opposite sex.

Well, I don't mind being a guinea pig.

If I can attract the opposite sex, there must be something in it.

Mr. Fritz.

Two minutes late?

I'm afraid I got a bad cold and I overslept.

Well, you're lucky.

Mr. Rumbold isn't in yet, and I won't tell him that you're late.

That shall be our secret.

Oh, the charm of Cary Grom. Yes, and nearly the same age.

Thank you, Mr. Peacock.

Captain Peacock.

But you may call me Stephen.

Oh, thanks, Steve.

Come along, Mrs. Slocum. Hurry up. The store's been open. Two minutes.

Well, I had to bring in a whole jug full of the stuff and a crate of bottles, so

I had to take a taxi.

Well, then you should have been on time.

Well, a traffic light wasn't working, and by the time it started, there was

three pounds on the clock, and I had to get a bus.

Here, Captain Peacock, have you asked Rambolger about selling the perfume?

No, he's busy showing Miss Belfridge the ropes.

I bet you can't tack with more than one finger. That's exactly what my wife said

when I showed her the photo.

What photo?

Oh, in the senior staff magazine.

Here.

Menswear news.

Miss B. Belfridge wins top position as C.

Rumble's temporary secretary. Look.

She's in a baby costume!

Just.

Well, it does liven up an otherwise abysmally dull publication.

Bet old Juggier didn't dare show that to his missus. Not if he has any sense.

Mine was even worried that she was on the same floor as me.

Well, you do have quite a reputation, Stephen.

Well, you used to.

I can't contain myself any longer.

Have you got a drop of the magic elixir with you? Yes, it's got a taste of it

here. Can I have a sniff?

The store is open, Mr Humphreys, and your place is behind your counter. I

brought a free sample for your wife, Captain Peacock, and there's no

here yet.

Oh, very well.

Panther's breath.

Are you sure about the name?

Oh, it's only a working title, and it's not easy finding a name, you know,

especially one that applies to both sexes.

Why don't you use separate labels and call it Is the Nurse?

What about Adam and Eve?

I mean, that's a temptation.

Then you could add Straight from the Garden of Eden.

Oh, enough of that, you get chucked out of anywhere.

No, you only want just a little tiny dab behind the ear.

Now, now.

Oh, let's have a sniff.

Mmm. It smells a bit chemical.

That's me perm.

Oh,

yes, there is a subtle... Give us your rest.

It smells quite different out of the bottle. The question is, Mr Humphreys,

you find it irresistible, as claimed by Mrs Slocum?

Not irresistible, Captain Peacock, but after all, I'm not the average man in

street.

As a matter of fact, I'm not the average man anywhere.

Well, can I flog it, then?

Not until I'm convinced that it has the irresistible effect that you claim.

Ah, now, I'd like a brigade pie.

Certainly, sir.

Fire or ambulance?

Why don't you go and sleeve some jackets and make sure that all the sizes are in

the right order? I saw him first. How am I supposed to get any commission if I

can't serve?

Juniors have the second customer.

Now, sir, what will it be today?

It'll be tomorrow in a minute.

Sorry about that.

We do have to keep these youngsters in check.

I quite agree.

Pity they discontinued national service.

That's the stuff to give them. Oh, yes.

Up at six o 'clock in the morning, cold shower, hike for 30 miles in full kit,

groveling through the undergrowth with only a compass and your initiative to

you home.

Oh, you were in the army then.

No, I went on a package holiday to Benidorm.

How are we going to prove that my perfume does what it says it does if

allowed to sell it over the counter?

Don't worry, Mrs. Slocum. I rang this friend of mine and asked him if he'd got

time to come in, have a sniff and pretend to buy some.

That'll convince Peacock and he'll tell Russell.

Oh, well done.

As long as Peacock doesn't twig that it's a set -up. No, no, no. My friend's

actor, so he'll be able to carry it off. And if there's other customers about,

well, they'll buy some and... Oh, well, I'd better fill a few more bottles in

case there's a rush.

And Mrs. Slogan got size 40 knickers.

That has nothing to do with maintenance.

Well, how about size 42 Beauty Bell bra?

You're asking for a clip round the ear.

I am merely obeying orders. The factory have found a bulk of the aforementioned

goods with faulty elastic.

And all stocks have been brought in in case of an accident.

Well, why didn't you say so before?

Oh, give him what he wants, Miss Brahms, while I fill a few more bottles.

What's that pong?

Oh, it's Mrs. Slocum's perfume from the Garden of Eden.

Blimey, she's even older than I thought she was.

Miss Brahms, give him the Beauty Bell bra to let see the back of him.

We sold them all, except for that one on the back.

Oh, it looks all right to me.

It appears tests have proved that the elastic perishes after three weeks.

Well, that's been on there four weeks and it's still in perfect working order.

Well, in that case, you won't mind if I give it the old vibration test, will

you?

This stimulates an express travelling over the points at St Pancreas.

Yeah,

what's that pile around here?

It's Mrs.

Slocum's homemade perfume.

It's supposed to attract the opposite sex.

Oh, do they work?

Does it do anything for you?

Nah. There's hope for me yet.

What's that customer up to over there?

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, I've come to buy something for one of my lady friends, and just about here

I smelt... Well, it's hard to say, really, but it's some fragrance which

magic all of its own, something...

Familiar, yet elusive. And it, yes, it gets stronger as I move in this

direction.

Ah, it's getting stronger now.

I'm not surprised.

Well, it's, it's... It's over here.

What is it? Two pounds a bottle.

Adam and Eve, our latest line. It's a his and hers perfume.

Just what I need.

I'm afraid we only have a very limited supply.

I'll take half a dozen.

Done. Hang on.

That'll be 12 pounds.

Oh, I'm sorry that some of the bottles don't have labels on them. We've only

just got the main ones. That's quite all right. There.

May I have one final snip?

Oh, help yourself.

It's around there somewhere.

You know, you are a very beautiful woman.

Don't overdo it.

May I at least ask your name?

I'm afraid we're not allowed to give names, but I am Assistant 193, should

be any complaints. No complaints.

Just a happy memory of a brief encounter, which I shall remember as I

roof terrace of my penthouse in Kensington.

Did you see that? Perhaps we ought to have three dozen bottles to give them a

try. That handsome bloke actually kissed Mrs. Flocum. He really turned him on.

Better make that four dozen be on the safe side.

I couldn't just run, my friends, but there was no reply.

Oh, it's been in.

It went a bit over the top, but I don't think anybody noticed.

Now, I must have some more labels typed for the bottles, so would you see to it

for me? Yes, I... If seeing is believing, your perfume certainly does

claim, and more.

Oh, it's like that every night in the pub.

Peacock, my junior and myself think we'd be missing a very good opportunity if

we weren't allowed to sell Mrs. Flocombe's perfume.

So could you ask Mr. Rumble for his permission?

I will.

And I take it that our personal arrangement over the profits still

Brown is honour.

As I understand it, Peacock, you recommend this product for a trial

I do, sir. It has my complete backing.

I'm glad to see you making firm, decisive decisions.

This indicates management material, and I can confide in you that I soon may be

up there.

I thought it was just a bad cold, sir.

I mean, up there in the boardroom.

I was very pleased up there with the way I've been running my job and running

toiletries in the absence of Mr. Philison.

I sincerely hope you get what you deserve, sir.

As my cold has resulted in a temperature, I'm leaving you in charge

I can't think how I got it.

Mr Humphreys can take over the floor if you so desire, and I shall, of course,

expect you to answer the phone if it rings.

Is that all?

When one is at the helm, all one has to do is to steer a straight course.

Anything you want typed, just give it to Miss Belfridge.

Letters, price tags, labels, that sort of thing.

What it is to be thrown into the hurly -burly of the managerial world.

You'll soon get the hang of it.

Allow me, sir.

Oh, would you like me to move a bit further away?

No, I'm reasonably immune.

Men's work.

This is Assistant 4711 speaking.

Hello, Mrs Peacock.

Now, I'm afraid Captain Peacock isn't on the floor at the moment.

You'll be travelling home with him.

Oh, well, I'll tell him.

He's working in Mr. Rumbold's office at the moment, as Mr. Rumbold has been

struck down.

Yes.

Girl? What girl?

Oh, Miss Belfridge!

Yes. Yes, in Mr. Rumbold's absence, Miss Belfridge will be directly under

Captain Peacock.

You're coming up. I see.

Where are you?

On the ground floor.

What's that?

Green eye. Peacock should never have shown that photograph to Mrs. Peacock in

the staff magazine.

Hold the fort.

Only a few more labels, Miss Belfry.

Sorry I'm so slow.

Well, there are rather a lot of keys for one little finger.

Come in.

To see how the hierarchy live, I brought you two cups of executive typhoon and a

plate of mixed assorted biscuits.

Just put it down and go.

Oh, yes, my lord.

Mr. Humphries, what are you playing at?

My trousers are soaking.

And my dress.

It's Mrs. Peacock. She telephoned. She's on her way here.

Where from?

Downstairs. Oh, good God.

Here, look. Get me some other trousers while I get these off. Yes, I'll just

take your inside leg. It's 32 and hurry.

Make the place smell less like a whorey.

Here, you, get in the cupboard.

But it's only my first week.

His wife's a very jealous woman. If she smells the same perfume on you as on

him, you'll be front page of the needle and cutter. Get in the cupboard. Hurry.

Here, Harman, get rid of those. Yeah, right.

Here, hold those.

Here, put these on. She's just getting out of the lift. They've still got the

price tags on. Where are the scissors?

Hurry! Up a bit, George.

I've got a customer.

You change out on the lady in case she comes charging in.

Oh, you've forgotten your trousers.

Peter, I don't see you out here right now.

He's just checking his stock, Mrs. Peacock.

What's that smell?

It's my aftershave.

husband? Well, he's just checking the window displays on the ground floor.

We use this apparatus for speed and efficiency. I'll get him for you.

Peacock, are you free?

At the moment, yes.

Mrs. Peacock to see you.

Oh, what a nice surprise.

As you see, darling, I'm all alone and up to my ears in it.

Achoo! If you ask me, you're up to your neck in it.

Achoo!

Stable! Ground floor and hurry.

Achoo!

This afternoon's episode has set my marriage back and also my career.

So much for Miss Sideline.

What a shame. You know, it really worked on that man.

Oh, no.

He was just a friend of Miss Brahms. He was paid to act.

I thought it was too good to be true.

Oh, that was that actor friend of mine. He said he was sorry he couldn't come

in, but he had to go for an audition.

means it? He really was.

Oh, and he was so handsome and I let him slip through my fingers.

Do you think that'll carry to a roof terrace in Kensington?

No, but this might.

Come on.