Original subtitles

Who's that?

Mr. Armand, who's that?

Mr. Rambo.

What in heaven's name is going on? The store's due to open in ten minutes and

there's no electricity. Can you explain this? I think I can. The management is

being very recalcitrant about paying us togged up money.

Togging up money? Yes. As manual workers, we have to put our overalls on

then take them off again. Now, this uses time and we want paying for it. And

it's for that reason that the brothers and I have therefore nicked all the

fuses. And darkness shall reign throughout the whole of the land until

as our demands is met.

Oh, this is absolutely ridiculous.

Oh, no, it isn't. It takes us half an hour to get out of our own smart clothes

and get into Grace Brothers' rotten, dirty old overalls. I mean, we have to

here early and leave late.

And we're not getting paid for it. And to make matters worse, you've just been

dismissed to night watchman. He was asleep on one of the beds.

He was going to buy that bed. He was giving it a slumber test.

Of course. Blimey, Liberace.

Peacock, where did you get that candelabra? From Silverware, sir. I

signed for it.

Indeed I did, sir.

I also signed a claim form for the bump I received on the head when I tripped

over a roller skate in the sports department and went backside over elbow.

There's no need to be vulgar.

Backside over elbow is a precise description of how I fell.

The Amaral Savora.

We had to pay 10p each for these candles.

Yeah, and we still couldn't find the ladies' room.

Why don't you pop down to Pet's? They're doing a special offer on kitty litter.

Captain Peacock, are you going to stand there and hear me insulted?

This seems as good a place as any.

Oh, that's better.

I had to kiss three girls in camping to get this.

Well, there's only two girls in camp.

So I found out when I lit the lamp.

Mr Humphries.

Mr Humphries, are you advertising something?

I hope not.

It was the fancy dress competition at the all -night roller disco.

You know, I got right through to the final and on the very last... last

the door opened and a boy walked in wearing identical outfit.

So they asked us to shake hands and share the first prize.

What was it? I never found out.

As soon as our fingers touched, he blew a fuse.

Every bulb on his body went pop.

It turned out that he was AC and I was DC.

How long have you been frightened of the dark, my dear?

Ever since you blew all the

them out on purpose. When you adjusted your suspender, I breathed a bit hard.

Well, couldn't we have just one on?

Oh, of course.

Oh, this candle's waving about a bit, isn't it?

Oh, there we are.

Isn't it romantic?

I remember when it was all candles and gaslight. You know, when I was a boy...

My first job was in a little gas -lit Welsh mining town, and do you know what?

If you paid me tuppence a week, I'd come round at five o 'clock in the morning

and knock you up.

By the time the sun was up, I'd done six streets.

I bet you're always sure of a welcome in the valley.

What were you doing in the dark, Mr Grace?

Remembering what I did when I was a boy.

But I told you to... minutes ago to tell you the lights were back on. I know. I

had the receiver to my deaf ear.

Anyway, I knew they'd surrender in packing. I gave them an electric kettle,

if they turned the juice off, they'd miss their tea break.

Well, it's time for me to take your pulse now.

Do you mind getting off his knee? It may give a false reading.

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

It's very weak and very irregular.

Well, I had a bit of trouble getting started this morning.

I had to put jump leads on me pacemaker.

You shouldn't live on your own, Mr. Gray's. I keep telling you that.

What if something happened in the night? I'd call the cab and come on over.

You're 90 in a few days' time. Yes, and we all want to know what you'd like.

Well, for a start, I'd like a cake.

Not with 90 candles.

I know what you want. You want a girl to jump out of it. Well, she'd have to.

I couldn't jump in.

Anyway, it's going to be a great day. Every department is planning a surprise

for you.

Hey, have you got a surprise for me in packing and maintenance?

We certainly have. Unless you cough up the togging up money, we're going to

your carty with concrete.

Well, I don't think we should give him anything for his birthday.

No, he didn't buy me anything for my birthday.

Well, you weren't 90.

Don't you know my Mrs. Slocum, will you?

Is it possible for us to have a sensible junior instead of that buffoon?

Well, I'm not chipping in any money, and that's final.

Besides, I've spent more than enough already on my wife's birthday present.

Did you buy her something nice?

Will be in a few years.

Stocks and shares?

No. A baby crocodile.

Well, you see, it eats well. In five years, it'll be a handbag.

That is, of course, unless we decide to go on for a suitcase.

Do you know, when I was little, I always had a birthday party.

We used to play postman's knock.

Me and Mrs. Axel, we played postman's knock on my birthday last year.

Aren't you both a little bit old for postman's knock?

The postman didn't seem to think so.

I hope you don't think I'm intruding.

Only the conversation at the packing department table has deteriorated to

football and page three of the sun.

What's the difference between sex and page three of the sun?

Come home and meet the wife and I'll show you.

Talking about page three of the sun, I think I'll take these poached eggs back.

They need firming up a bit.

That boy's mind.

He thinks about nothing but sex.

His eyes are continually sliding down to my legs in a sort of calculating way.

He's probably trying to work out how strong they've got to be to keep up the

rest of the game.

Captain Peacock, will you distrain this person?

I must remind you, Mr. Herman, that you're at a table with senior sales

and lower middle management.

We would be obliged if you would conduct yourself accordingly.

Yes, keep Mrs. Slocum's big knockers out.

Would a menial like myself be permitted to ask what...

senior sales and lower middle management is doing for Mr Grace's birthday.

We are still debating.

I presume you're passing the hat round in packing?

We've already done it. And what's more, we've thought of a very original gift.

What did you get?

Here, guess.

Have a feel.

It feels like a giant polo mink.

Wrong.

One super executive heat -controlled carzy comforter.

As used by the other end of the crowned edge of Europe.

I've got a friend that's got one of those, and the thermostat's got all

different settings.

You can have anything you like.

Hot, very hot, and send for the fire brigade. I'm sticking her in the window.

Here, in half a minute, it'll be my official tea break. I'd better get back

work. Why do you want to get back to work when it's your tea break? Because,

brother, if I work during my tea break, I'm on overtime.

You know, everybody's doing something special for the birthday.

What are we going to do?

That nobody else is doing.

It'll make him very happy.

Well, in my experience, it's very difficult to find something that costs

that nobody else does that makes you happy.

Yeah, he's Welsh, isn't he? We could do him something in Welsh.

That's a good idea.

Don't they have some sort of national emblem?

Ooh, a leek.

It's nice. It'll go well with the cars, you see.

There must be something we can get him that would remind him of the hills and

valleys. Well, Mrs. Slocum could go in his office and lie on the floor.

Take your coffee and go to another table.

You can't tell me to do that. Only Captain Peacock can tell me to do that.

Mr. Spooner, take your coffee and go to another table.

But leave the sugar.

Now, wait a minute. Look, let's think. What else is Wales famous for?

Coal. Rugby.

Skating.

I don't think Wales is famous for skating.

Well, what do they do at Ice Tedford's then?

It's Brahms.

They sing and read poetry.

A poem.

There was a young girl from Prestatyn who said, look you, I couldn't get that

in.

She was packing her suitcase to go to the nannery.

You'll be packing yours in a minute.

In my experience, the Welsh are always very moved by the singing of a Welsh

song, such as Bread of Heaven or Sospen Bar.

Well, couldn't we sing it at the party?

It wouldn't cost anything.

All agreed.

Just singing a song does seem a rather mean sort of present. He'll have nothing

to take home with him. He'll have a happy memory.

Probably a headache.

Well, I've been applying my mind to the problem.

And I think I've come up with something tangible that we can give him.

My brother has a lot of work for the Royal College of Heralds.

I feel sure he could look up Mr. Grace's ancestors and make us a shield.

Then while you sing the song, I can present it. That could be very moving.

Only it costs money.

I can buy it as a display sample and put it on Mr. Grace's account. He'll never

know.

So that's how you got your golf clubs.

No, that is not so.

They were a legitimate display item for the garden furniture department.

They were damaged, reduced, and sold at a special staff discount.

When the store was closed on a Sunday.

Some of us do have to work over the weekend.

May we inquire what is going to happen to that radiogram in our sock display?

Or do we take it that you'll be working next weekend as well?

Oh, come, come, Captain Peacock. You're a man of the world.

Yes, indeed.

Unfortunately, not your world, sir.

Suggesting that I'm on the fiddle?

No, but you could be tuning up.

We're getting right off the point, don't you think?

Yes, but it's fun, isn't it?

Look, can we have a show of hands and an all in favour for whatever it is we've

decided on?

Are you in a hurry, Mrs. Slocum? I certainly am.

I've got a sculptor coming this evening.

He's going to do my pussy in clay.

Shove that down there, Warwick, will you? Yeah.

All right, down there then, Mr Rumbold.

Oh, good.

Yes, that'll do splendidly.

Where is everybody?

You told them to go and change into the costume for the Welsh song, and that's

what they're doing. Oh, I see.

I've got a complaint.

I've got a complaint. My costume's defective.

Looks all right to me.

Well, it's not. I'm flashing.

We'll get that fixed. Where are the others?

They're just coming, sir.

Mr Humphreys, why are you different from the others?

Do you know, a lot of people ask that.

Apparently it was made for Mrs. Thatcher, but when she got there, she

wanted to be treated like any ordinary woman going down a mine.

And she was.

I want to know why I've got a red light on my hat.

Well, that usually indicates that an old working's collapsed.

I don't know why the ladies can't have something a little more glamorous than

old boiler suit.

Oh, I don't know. You're an old boiler and it suits you.

want my pick in your ear holes?

Personally speaking, I think it's very, very hot in these outfits.

I quite agree.

Well, it depends what you wear under them.

I know what the miners meant when they said, one out, the lot out.

I can't say that's cooled me down at all.

Put it all away, Miss Bronze.

You know, I had a friend who was a ballet dancer who became a miner, but he

to give it up.

It's a tough life.

No, he was tough enough.

Just couldn't keep his seams straight.

Well, let's get on with the rehearsal, shall we?

Yes, don't let's be later than necessary.

Don't tell me that that sculptor's still doing your pussy for posterity.

Yes, and it's at a very critical stage.

All last night, I had to keep it on the kitchen table, covered by a wet flannel.

And tonight, at nine o 'clock... All the neighbours are coming in to watch him

pour plaster of Paris all over it.

And then put it in a very hot oven.

Then what happens?

I'd rather not know. Let's get on with the show.

Mr Harbour, would you be kind enough to pass around the slong sheets if we'll

keep a welcome in the hillside? Over here, ladies. Come along.

Where shall we stand?

Well, the little ones in front, the big ones behind.

And the little ones with big beyonds in the middle.

Thank you very much.

Have a good night.

Thank you.

Right.

One, two, three.

Mr. Grumball!

Yes, Miss Anderson? Will you be needing us?

Do you mean? We've had time for a pit -head bath while you've been doing all

that. When do we do our bit?

That was my introduction.

I composed it myself.

Very nice. Well, you can practice that at home. Let's do our bit now.

We'll keep our welcome in the hillside.

We'll keep our welcome in the fair.

Rumble.

Rumble.

do we sing?

Weren't you singing then? I couldn't hear you over all this.

You're not supposed to be singing at all.

We're the ones what's got up as miners.

Why can't I sing as well?

Because you're not dressed for it.

Yes, I am.

If I were connected with the mine, it would be in a managerial capacity.

I'd be dressed exactly as I am now with a bowler hat.

Personally, I think it would be much more moving if we sang unaccompanied. I

agree. Besides, you don't have organs down coal mines.

My, Mr. Klein, we're welcoming them in the hills and in the valleys.

Well, we're not dragging an organ up and down there either.

We will sing it unaccompanied.

Very well, I'll conduct. We'll keep a welcome in the hillside in B flat. One,

two, three.

We'll keep a welcome in the hillside.

We'll keep a welcome. That's awful.

Well, we don't know what note to start on.

Precisely. You need the organ. And if I don't play it, you can't sing the song.

That's not strictly true, Mr.

Rumbolter.

Hold your gun up, please.

I used to fill in at the Granada tooting.

I used to rise 12 feet above the audience.

And you've got vertigo so I had to jack it in.

I see. Well, can you find a B -flat on that?

Yes, certainly, sir. Would you like it on the flute, the horn, the Hawaiian

guitar or the basso basso?

What on earth does that sound like?

I don't think that's the note any of us want to hit.

I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll all sing the first two lines.

Then, Mrs. Slocum, you're a contrato. You take the land you knew will still be

singing. Then the men come in. You take it solo, you see. Then the men come in

all together with this line of song, We'll Keep a Welcome. Thank you, Mr.

Harlan.

One, two, three.

We'll keep a welcome in the hillside.

We'll keep a welcome in the maze. Mrs. Slocum. Yes, I do know where...

Just a minute.

Can we have it a bit higher?

It does sound a bit low.

Try it in E -flat, Mr. Harmon.

This land you knew will still be... Mr. Harmon! Mr. Harmon!

No vibrato, please.

Yes, again.

This land you knew will still be singing when you come home.

Mr.

Brown, could we have it a bit lower, please?

I don't think my truss is insured for that note.

Try it in D -flat, Mr. Harmon. Right?

Yeah.

Mr. Rumbold, but this line will kiss away each hour of here -ice.

What is here -ice?

Yes, if we're going to kiss it, we ought to know what it is.

I thought you might ask that. It's the Welsh word for longing.

Oh. Well, I've got a here -ice to go to the ladies' room.

Well, look, if you could just hang on for a few more minutes.

I think when we hit that last, that last marvellous note, we ought to raise our

arms. It is sort of... triumphant gesture of some sort. Mr. Harman, if

good at that sort of thing, show them. Yes.

When you come home again to wave... Oh, excellent, excellent.

That's what we'll do. Now, from the kissing away bit, and do try to get more

feeling into that top note. Right? Thank you, Mr. Harman.

Excuse me, sir, your brother's outside.

Oh, I expect he's brought the shield, sir. This way, Mr Rumbaud. Mr Rumbaud

see Mr Rumbaud.

Will there be anything further, Mr Rumbaud?

Will the Rumbauds be taking coffee? Sit down, Mycroft.

I expect you've brought the shield.

As a matter of fact, there's been a slight hitch.

We've traced the Grace family beyond Wales.

There isn't anything beyond Wales, only a lot of sea.

Genealogically speaking, they didn't move to Wales until 1843.

Before then, they were in Scotland.

We would have discovered it sooner, only as so frequently happens the name was

changed. But what were they called before they were called Grace?

Grouse.

But we've rehearsed a Welsh musical tribute.

I've prepared a Scottish shield. I can't turn a thistle back into a leek.

Peacock. Could you arrange for your department to stay behind after the

closes?

Yes, what?

There's a telegram for you.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

Oh, dear, it's for my brother.

They've traced the Grace family even further back now. Oh, how much further

back?

Oh, well, here we go again.

We'll be right back.

brother.

It's not my birthday, it's yours, you silly old fool.

So when are the departments losing money?

Mr. Grace, you are probably wondering why the staff of the first floor are not

present. It's because they've been rehearsing and preparing a special

you. We have researched into the earliest known records of your family.

been through the Welsh Graces, the Scotch Grouses, and the Somerset

And we now think we have discovered the true origins of your family.

Prepare then, Mr. Grace, to receive this tribute to your roots.

Thank you so much.