Original subtitles

There you are, madam. If you have any complaint, don't hesitate to return it.

We'll exchange it without question, provided you have the receipt, you

worn it, and it's not clean.

Captain Peacock. Yes, Mr. Herman.

You told me not to come on the floor when the store was open without

your attention first.

That is quite correct, Mr. Harmon.

Oh, I see I've attracted your attention.

Go back.

You've not had my permission.

Does that mean you don't want the first prize in Grace Brothers' lucky lottery

what your department has won?

What was that? I'm proud to tell you and pleased that you are now the proud

possessor... of a box at Convent Garden for six personages for the valet. There

is the ticket.

Oh, how wonderful!

The last time I had a box at Convent Garden, it was on me head and full of

cauliflower.

There are the tickets for your counter, Mr. Klein.

And there are yours, Miss Brahms. Thank you.

Oh, Miss Brahms, where's Mrs. Slocum?

Oh, she's in the fitting room taking off her coat.

We've been open for nearly six minutes, Miss Brahms. Go and get her. Yes, sir.

drinking at this hour.

Of course I'm not, Miss Brahms. I'm just taking my slimming pill. Only I've run

out of water and I can't bear neat gin.

Why don't you take the pill with a plain tonic? Oh, I can't stand the taste of

tonic. That's why I'm putting gin and lemon in.

Captain Peacock wants to see you.

customer. She brought one of them ribbed cardigans and it shrunk. Oh, not

another one.

Yeah, and it's your customer and all.

Leave it to me, Miss Brahms. I'm just in the mood.

Now, madam, and what's the trouble?

Well, look at this. I followed the washing instructions to the letter and

what's happened.

And look at the label. It says quite distinctly, non -shrink.

Madam.

There. You see? Compare the labels.

The label hasn't shrunk.

You can't have a refund.

I assume that the instructions apply to the cardigans. Did you?

Well, hard cheese.

I'm going to take your name. I'm sorry, madam. We're not allowed to give names.

Well, in that case, I... I shall remember...

And she just caught me on a bum morning.

Did you spend last night on the booze?

Certainly not, Miss Brahms. I just thought I'd sleep better if I had a

I mean, you know I've been having these strange dreams lately.

Still about Mr Humphrey? Yes.

He's different in me dreams.

I'm beginning to see him in quite a new light.

Have you said anything to him? No, but I do feel sometimes when I look at him

that... He knows some of them.

Hurry up. She's looking at you again. I know.

I can feel the hair standing up on the back of me neck.

Do you think she wants something? I hope not. Do you know... I can't think

what's come over her. I've only got to give her the slightest hint of a smile

and she goes all wobbly at the knees.

Watch this.

Oh, Miss Browns, he smiled at me.

Well, he was only a little one.

Well, it's only half past nine.

Anyway, last night, me and Mrs Axelby went down to the Green Man for a quiet

drink. Well, we hadn't had anything to eat, so we just had a couple of bags of

pork scratchings and some bacon -flavoured crisps.

And one of the crisps got stuck in my throat.

And do you know it took three or four gin and tonics to shift it?

And I think that one of those crisps was bad.

Because when I got outside at half past eleven, I felt quite dizzy.

What time did you go into the pub for your nightcap?

About quarter to eight.

But do you know what I think happened?

I think me body temperature dropped.

Anyway, I hung on to this lamp post and we sang songs to keep us warm.

But you were glad when the bus arrived?

Well, the first one didn't start.

And I know he saw me because I lifted up my skirt and stuck my leg out. And he

put his foot down and he drove straight past us.

So you had to get on the next one?

No, but the one after that stopped.

Oh, and the conductor was cheeky. Do you know, the bus was completely empty, but

he made us go upstairs.

So when I got off, I took his number.

Oh, well, I hope you wrote it down.

I didn't need to.

Sonny's at.

Is she still looking at me?

No. Now, go on, tell us about the rave -up you had last night.

Well, it wasn't really a rave -up. It finished quite early. So about half a

dozen of us went back to this bloke's flat that's got this video recorder.

Let me see.

I know he belongs to one of these adult X -rated video libraries.

Oh, I've heard about those. Yeah. Well, he gets a discount being a theological

student.

Anyway, I wondered what happened. He pressed the button and bang, the screen

went blank.

So you went home?

No, no, no. The sound was working, so we listened to that. But whatever they

were doing must have been outside because I heard a lot of wind and

I expect it was an orgy. I thought, yes.

Especially when I heard some voice say, Mary Rose has turned over and I can see

her bottom.

And a voice shouted, I want to see every man bent over an oar.

I was just about to take my mother home when I heard this other voice say, which

way do you want us to row, Mr Baines? And I realised it was the Oneiden line.

Where's Mrs Slocum now?

Oh, she's in the ladies, fixing her make -up. She's hardly been at her comfort

at all this morning.

Well, to tell the truth, and I don't like telling tales, but I'm very worried

about her.

I must say, her behaviour has been a little strange lately.

Well, she says her nerves are bad. She's been having these disturbing nights.

You mean disturbed nights?

No, disturbing.

She's got this man on her mind and she keeps dreaming about him. You know,

erotic dreams.

Really?

Yes, they do fantasise at that age, don't they? Oh, yes.

I've got an aunt what's got the hots for Richard Baker.

Who has Mrs. Slocum got the hots for?

You'll never believe it. Who?

Mr. Humphrey.

Really?

Yes, they do fantasise at that age, don't they?

Has she told him about this?

Well, not in so many words, but every so often she drops him a little hint.

Look, watch.

Look out as she comes.

Oh, you deal with her, Mr. Cline, will you?

Oh.

Was there something you wanted, Mrs. Slocum? Well, I wanted to buy a present

a rather special gentleman.

Oh, well, what do you have in mind?

Ties, handkerchiefs, socks?

Oh, they're not very romantic, Mr. Klein.

How about a nice pair of wire fronts? Shut up!

Well, I have wondered about a pair of gloves to keep his hands warm.

Oh, he has such artistic hands.

And what kind of gloves did you have in mind, then? Well, just show me what

you've got.

Size?

Well, about... about Mr.

Humphrey's size.

Oh.

Mr. Humphreys, Mrs. Slocum wants to try your hand for size.

It's very busy brushing a hat at the moment, Mr. Cairns. I'll do that, Mr.

Humphreys. Thank you, Mr. Spooner. I shall remember that kindness.

Here we are.

Chinese rabbit, English mole, Venezuelan Scotch terrier, kangaroo, chamois,

leather, plastic, string, wool, and, if you'll pardon the expression, pigskin.

What sort of personality does the gentleman have?

Suede. Suede. Ah, well, here we are.

Beautiful suede, inside and out.

Try them on, Mr. Humphreys.

Ah, now that, that is a beautiful glove.

Just feel it, Mrs. Logan.

I always say, a glove like that really sets a hand off.

I think it set her off.

We have it in three shades, you know. What colouring does the gentleman have?

Well, fair, wavy hair, startling blue eyes, and a strong, sensitive

chin. I wonder why she didn't mention the gap in the teeth. Mr. Spooner, get a

broom. I take it, then, you'll settle for these?

Yes, put them on my account.

It's 22 pounds.

Oh. When you've lost your heart to the man of your dreams, what's 22 pounds?

22 pounds is the price of the gloves, plus VAT, minus staff discount.

Would you like me to gift wrap them?

No, just leave them on him.

You like some sugar in your black coffee, Mr Humphreys? No, thank you, Mr

I like it neat. I need something to calm me nerves.

She put it into words, then? No, she put it into a pair of gloves.

When has she got to?

She's gone to the pub for a... Oh. Do you know, I had no idea any of this was

happening. She's had a thing about you for weeks. That's why she's been eating

the bottle.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I thought it would wear off.

She's a fine woman.

There's a lot of love going to waste there.

First time I felt sorry for her cat.

I expect a new experience for you, Mr Humphreys. On the contrary, Mr Spooner.

Quite a lot of ladies have thought twice about me.

The trouble is, it's usually the second thought that puts them off.

You know, it seems to me that if we're not very careful, we're going to have an

alcoholic on our hands.

I think the best way of dealing with the situation is to find someone else on

whom she can lavish her affection.

That might take her mind off Mr Humphreys.

It's very difficult, you know.

When I was a young man, there was this girl with frizzy hair and staring eyes

and fat ankles.

And every morning when I got to the station, she was there, staring at me.

then she'd get in the compartment and sit right opposite me, staring.

And every night it was the same thing.

How did you get rid of her?

I didn't. I married her.

And now the frizzy hair's gone grey and thin, and the eyes stare out from behind

big, thick spectacles.

What about the ankles?

Don't mention the ankles.

I think Captain Peacock got the... right idea.

What sort of a mug is it conning to take notes of that old trout?

Spooner, if you continue to speak in that way about a senior member of staff,

you'll go and sit at another table.

Mrs. Floke might be an old trout, but she's got a lot of nice sides to her.

Like what?

Well, she's very kind when she hasn't been hitting the bottle.

She's not as fat as she was.

You're quite right, Captain Peacock.

There's definitely traces there of when she used to be quite a nice -looking

woman. I believe she's lonely.

Well, if she's lonely, she ought to advertise in one of these contact

Oh, no, she's too much pride for that.

Well, we could do it for her. We could send them in, get the replies and pass

them on to her.

I'll write it all down.

How would you describe her?

Old bat seeks comfortable tree to hang.

I shan't tell you again, Miss Ritter.

I think petite lady.

Oof!

Hardly petite.

Well, she will be by the time she's finished her swimming pole.

Petite lady with own home seeks kind, understanding,

male companion of the opposite sex.

That's a waste of words.

With a male companion, he must be of the opposite sex.

In my experience, it's better to be safe than sorry.

You have to state what her interests are. They always put that.

What are her interests?

Pubs. than that pussy of hers.

Well, to save any misunderstanding, I'll just put pubs.

Yes.

Well, then, we'll get the replies, vet them, and pass them on to her.

happened to me?

Well, I'd just popped into the pub for a packet of cigarettes and on the way

back, as I was passing the beauty parlour, they literally dragged me in

insisted that I try this on afro.

And you know, as soon as I got it on, everybody said how it suited me.

All you need to do now is take all your clothes off, get on a white horse and

you could ride to the streets of Coventry.

It's the bride of Frankenstein.

All right, I'm going, I'm going. But I'd like to state here and now that I'm

being victimised for my opinions. And I shall complain to the Council for Civil

Liberties. Since you've spent most of the coffee break taking on civil

liberties, I don't fancy your chances.

Thank you, Captain Peter.

Mrs. Slocum.

You've not bought that wig, have you?

Well, no.

But the sales girl said that as soon as I put it on, the years seemed to just

drift away.

Wear it round the other way, they'll be right out of sight.

She'll pop you out by the fire exit.

How long was it since you put that ad in that magazine?

Well, let me see what she bought me. She bought me a pair of gloves, silk hanky.

A pair of socks, some aftershave, a writing pad, some envelopes, a pair of

shorty pyjamas.

I say about ten days.

Shouldn't we be hearing something fine now? Oh, I got some replies last night.

phoned one man. He sounded quite nice.

He's coming in on his way to work this morning to be introduced.

What about the others?

Well, my mother came back, and I couldn't very well sit there on the

talking to strange men, saying, hello, you don't know me, but I went round to

the post office. I sent telegrams to everybody.

I told them to come in here, ask for me, and I'll introduce them.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

Are you being served?

Mr Humphreys.

He's over there, sir.

Mr Humphreys is a gentleman for you.

Good morning, sir. Good morning. What's it to be?

Well, who knows, young man?

Probably the happiest day of my life.

I beg your pardon?

I've come about the lady in the advert.

Oh, yes.

She's behind you on the lady's counter.

Oh, really?

Oh, sorry.

Which one? The one on the left or the one on the right?

The one on the left. On the left. Oh, yes. Can you see?

Yes, thank you.

Good morning.

You can cross him off for a start.

Now, pass those tights down to me, Miss Brahms. I'm going to shove them all into

this bottom drawer.

I could do that for you. No, I'm better doing it. It takes me mind off other

things.

Blimey, look what's arrived.

I should never have described her as petite.

She's coming over.

I'll tell you another thing. I'm not sitting next to her at the opera house.

Otherwise, I'm not going.

How are you this morning, Mr. Humphreys?

Bright -eyed and bushy -tailed, Mrs. Slocum.

You've broken my dream.

Last night, I dreamt that you were Squirrel, not Kim.

And I was a little lady squirrel.

I'll get thatched in dandelion leaves.

How did you guess?

I never use anything else.

Well, anyway, in my dream, I climbed up the tree and I knocked on your little

door. And you pretended you weren't in, so I had to kick it down.

And there you were, hiding behind your acorn.

What do you suppose that means?

It means I've got to build it a damn side tyre next year.

Oh, I do love a man with a sense of humour. I always say if a man can make

laugh, everything else will follow.

In my case, Mrs. Slocum, it may be a very long way behind.

I brought these for you.

I thought they'd be lovely in front of a little log fire.

I haven't got a log fire.

Oh, no.

Oh, I know where there's a lovely one.

Mrs. Slocum, would you be good enough to return to your own counter? Mr.

Humphreys is not here for idle chit -chat.

He's here to serve customers.

In that case, I'll have a size 48 nightshirt.

Size 48? That's big enough for two.

Exactly.

Yes, yes. Well, I appreciate that as colleagues of Mrs. Slocum, you have been

trying to cover for her. But it's been plain to me for some time that she's not

been herself.

As witness, these letters of complaint from customers, calling her a crabby old

cow.

And a tetchy old trout.

And a miserable old bat.

Captain Peacock, in all your experience, have you ever known one of our

employees to be described like that?

Not by a customer, sir.

Well, the reason for all this becomes clear upon the discovery of these items.

Gin and... Gin

and... Gin again.

Now, where is she now?

Perhaps she's still having lunch, sir.

Captain Peacock, she hasn't even been into the canteen.

Enter.

We found Mrs. Slocum, sir. She was in the four -hour bar next door.

I think it temporarily slipped her mind what the time was and where she worked.

Mr. Rumble, I hope you're not labouring under the misapprehension that I was in

there boozing.

I only popped in to buy a packet of croissants.

Malcolm, without doubting your word for one moment, would you mind blowing into

this bag?

Certainly, Mr. Rumpole.

And I must warn you that your whole future at Grace Brothers may depend upon

result.

Only another hundred yards to go.

We've had it, Mr. Gray.

Oh, there we are.

I've got a surprise for you. You've been doing it on your own for the last five

minutes. You get used to that sort of thing at my time of life.

Come along. You should be feeling fit and healthy now.

Oh, come in.

There's a bloke outside wants to sell you a medical chair. A medical chair?

What's that do?

Well, it's electrically operated and it sort of relaxes your limbs. Like, you

sit in it, switch on it and it makes you do this.

I'd do that anyway. Tell him to go away.

Go away.

Mr Gray, the first floor say if you want them to wait outside any longer, could

they have coffee and sandwiches?

Tell them to come in.

After you, Miss Brown. Rumbo, get in here immediately and bring that medical

report with you.

Well,

get on with it.

Yes, sir.

As Mrs.

Slocum's behaviour was so variant with her normal character, we had the case

examined by an eminent psychiatrist.

And, well, sir, what in effect he said is that Mrs. Slocum appears to have

up a fantasy world for herself. And in this world, she's...

deluded herself that she's in love with Mr Humphreys. Now, as Mr Humphreys has

failed to respond, understandably... Very understandably.

Mrs Slocum is taken to the bottle. I didn't need to pay a hundred quid to

that. What's the cure?

Well, sir...

The psychiatrist says that in his experience, when fantasy turns into

it often fades away.

Ah, in other words, if Mr Humphreys had a go at her, she'd run a mile.

Yes, sir.

There's no problem then, is there, Mr Humphreys? Well, I must confess, Mr

I would find it very difficult.

Well, just pretend she's that girl that I get so excited about in Dallas.

What's her name? Sue Allen.

Oh, oh, me leg's gone.

Thinking about Sue Allen wouldn't necessarily help me.

How about J .R.? Do you always go like that when you think about J

.R.? No, it's not him. It's that hat.

Well, the fact remains that if Mr. Humphreys could steel himself to, as it

make a bold advance, the shock might cure her.

As I'm sure none of us wants to lose Mrs. Locke. Oh, no, we're all very fond

her. Because I'd have to find the right place in the right moment.

How about in the box at the ballet tonight? You can pretend it's the

of the pictures and, you know, get in there and wahey!

It'll be better at Covent Garden because the usherettes there don't have

torches, so you can get in there and wahey.

What ballet are you going to see?

The Nutcracker Suite.

Come on, quick again.

Be as quick as you can. We've missed the beginning.

Oh, I'm very sorry, Captain Peacock, but I had to have another drink.

I've got this awful dry feeling at the back of my throat.

I think it's the new perfume I'm wearing.

When are the nutcrackers coming on?

That's the big one at the end.

Oh, she isn't all. I hadn't noticed her.

No, I mean that ballet's in the second half of the programme.

Oh, look

what's just

come on. It's the anthem.

Yes, that's Noblikov. He's very big in Russia.

He's pretty big there, too.

Why is he twiddling her around like that, making her dizzy?

That's called a pirouette.

That's called an entrechat.

What's that?

Well, it's French.

All the terms in ballet are in French.

Entre, as in entre nous, means between.

And what's the other bit?

Well, C -H -A -T, pronounced chat, means... Oh, I know what that means.

French for pussy.

When you see what he's doing to her, it must mean something else.

Shh, be quiet.

Have they all forgotten the words? No.

They don't have words in ballet, you Eden Rebuck.

Why's she wagging her finger at him like that?

She's rejecting his advances.

She'd have to do a damn sight more than that in Catford.

This is the famous pas de deux.

I know what pas de deux means.

Father of twins.

Mr. Humphreys.

Mr. Humphreys. I don't want to spoil your evening, but we set you next to

Slocum for a purpose.

You have spoiled my evening.

What are you going to do?

Act like the man of her dreams and give her knee the tickle.

How do you mean?

Sorry, me mind was wandering.

Nothing. We'll have to take it a stage further.

How do I take it a stage further?

Like this.

I can't do that to Mrs.

Slocum. Well, take her hand and do this.

Miss Brock!

She hasn't been drinking in the box.

No, out of it. Liqueur chocolate.

Well, sir, it would seem that for the moment your problems are over.

On the contrary, Captain Peacock.

They're just beginning.

What's going on?