Original subtitles

Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods, sweets and papadoptery,

kitchenware and food.

Mr.

Spooner, Mr. Humphries, set the table up for the meeting, will you? Certainly,

Captain Peacock.

Oh, Captain Peacock, I can't stay more than 30 minutes.

I had to collect Mrs. Klein from the dentist. You see, after she's had gas,

goes all funny and can't remember anything.

In that case, Mr. Klein, she won't know you're late, will she?

I can't be late either.

I've got to be at the first aid post at the roller disco by seven.

Have you got a job there?

No, I go there to skate, but I'm always in the first aid post by seven.

He's not looking. Come on.

Mrs. Slocum, Miss Brown.

Were you forgetting the conference? Oh, is it tonight?

It had completely gone out of my mind. Isn't it yours, Miss Brown? Yes. I

can't... why you want me, Captain Peacock. I've never given you any ideas

That's not entirely true.

I heard you was having a late -night conference,

so I brought some tea while we brewed up in back it.

Oh, that's very kind of you, Sir Harlan.

Biscuit, bit of cake?

Yes, thank you.

This is...

Is it very considerate of you, Mr. Herman? Yeah, well, I've got rich tea,

chocolate, Bartonburg, Swiss roll, or should there be any demand, one portion

fairy cake.

As I said, most considerate of you. Yeah, that's no problem at all.

35p each.

That's outrageous.

Well, glad you're all ready. Do sit down. Thank you, sir.

Oh, tea and kit.

Well, I think we'll have those on the firm.

35p each, sir.

I think we'll have those off the floor. Take them away, Mr. Holmes.

I'm retired defeated.

I would just like you to know that if you're still here in 15 minutes' time, I

will have locked up.

I've got the master key, and it'll cost you 35 for each to get out.

Now, before we start, if we're going to be stuck here having a conflab for hours

and hours, I've got to make a phone call.

Oh, well, if you must, you must, but please make it a short one. I'll be as

as it takes.

Are you going to call...

Oil rigger that was chatting you up in the pub last night?

Certainly not.

I wouldn't dream such a thing.

In that case, then, I'll throw his phone number away.

Don't litter the floor, Miss Brown.

Give it to me.

I'll dispose of it later.

Do you know, I can't bear them big, muffly men with hairy chest and tattoos.

They can only think of one thing.

I quite agree.

Is that a five or an eight?

Please hurry up, Mrs. Slocum.

I'm waiting for him to answer.

It's my next -door neighbor.

Oh, hello.

Hello, is that Mr. Akbar?

Mrs. Flocombe here, your next -door neighbor.

I wonder, would you do me a favor?

Would you go to my front door, bend down, and look through the letterbox?

And if you can see my pussy, would you drop a sardine on the mat?

Hello, Mr. Ackbar. I'm at work.

Hello, hello.

Oh, somebody's cut us off.

Oh, I do hope he understands.

His English isn't too good, but he's very obliging.

Well, I'll come straight to the point.

Sales figures last week were the worst on record.

Now, why?

We've got a good name, we're in a good position. Why aren't people coming into

the store? I blame it on the buses. There's less of them.

What's that got to do with it?

Well... of them, they're more crowded, so more people are standing up, and

they're not wearing out their trousers.

And skirts.

And skirts.

What do you think, Captain Peacock?

I think it's the silliest suggestion I've ever heard.

Well, you come up with something, then. Yes, you haven't come up with anything

yet. Mrs. Slocum, the reason why our sales are so bad is as plain as the nose

your face.

Yeah, and that's pretty plain.

We're in a recession.

Lally and Willits are not in a recession.

Their store's always packed. Business is booming.

Ah, well, they're modern, aren't they?

Yes, they've got a young management with drive and ideas of their own. They've

got a big television screen outside showing what's on in the store.

A friend of mine put that in. Shows all the bargains in all the different

departments and it makes it cosy and interesting.

I think... Ah.

It must be Mr. Grace wanting a progress report. I think Mr. Humphreys may have

put his finger on it.

Hello? Ah, Mr.

Grace. I'm glad you've called, sir.

I've just had the most exciting idea.

Why don't we do what Lally and Willits have done?

I suggest we put a television screen inside and outside the store to show

going on and to advertise our special offers.

I like it, Rumbold. You've come up with the goods.

Don't spend too much money.

Sorry, I'm late. My connection failed to connect.

This is my friend, Mr Fortescue. Oh, good.

What exactly does this entail?

Well, at Lally and Willett's, what we did, we chose a member from each floor

be a kind of Parkinson character, you know, the sort of thing. And they

introduced each member of the department so they could chat about their special

offers, you know. Now, who's going to be the Parkinson of this department?

I am.

What an unexpected choice.

I think I have more experience of this sort of thing than anybody else here.

After all, I'm used to speaking at board meetings.

The emphasis on the board.

Well, I'll just go and get my hat and coat off.

Right, I'll switch this on and see if it's working.

Ah, yes, there we are.

Oh, look, there's a picture of that dummy come up on the screen.

Oh, I've always wanted to see myself on telly.

Oh, just look at that.

I think you must have something wrong with your camera.

I look all fat.

There's nothing wrong with my equipment.

Let me have a deco.

Oh, oh, look at my face. I should be in pictures.

You know, I knew a girl that looked just like you trying to get into pictures.

Oh, yes.

She ended up on the cutting room floor.

Oh, what a shame.

What picture was she supposed to be in?

She wasn't supposed to be in any picture. She wasn't even supposed to be

cutting room.

Mr Humphreys, could I have a word with you, please?

Mr Humphreys, I have a little problem.

In the past, Mr Humphreys, I have found it... very difficult handling people

who aren't actually actors i mean they can be so sensitive can't they can they

can and they get upset so easily so what it what i wondered was could you use

your tact and may i say charm to convey to these people my wishes i mean after

all you do know them very well don't you like the back of my hand and uh i do

know you

May I say, one gin and tonic in the Grenadiers' retreat does not amount to a

lasting friendship.

I'll do me best for you. Thank you.

Right. I'm ready. What do I have to do? Well, first of all, people, could I have

you all on this side of the camera, please?

Nice and quietly now. OK.

Here.

I accept you, sir, if you come over here.

Now then, what I'd like you to do... Take hold of this microphone, thank you.

And you sit down there.

All right.

That's it.

All right. And say your piece.

How's this?

Oh, no, no, no, no. Hold it.

Look at that head.

It's shining like the dome of St Paul's, isn't it?

I mean, it's the top half of umpty dumpty. We can't have that.

Go and tell him, Mr Humphreys.

Who, me?

Well, you said you would. Go and tell him.

Very good, Mr. Rumbold.

Very good indeed.

We've got a slight lighting problem.

Mrs. Slocum, can I borrow your powder puff?

Do you want the pale one or the one you had before?

The dark one, please.

Firstly, I'd pay for sandpaper and French chalk.

Hey, go easy with that. It costs ten for your carton.

How's that?

Well, it's better, but we've got to do something about those ghastly ears.

He looks like a hang glider.

I'd have said more like a wingnut.

Shall I say my piece now?

Not yet, not yet, Mr. Rumble. We've got a couple of problems.

Yes, one on either side.

Mr. Humphries, you'll have to tell him. We've got to get rid of those ridiculous

ears.

No wonder you find people sensitive.

Very good, Mr. Rumble, very good indeed.

It's rather... We've got a slight problem. It's rather a narrow screen,

We can't get you all in.

But would it help if I breathed in?

Not unless you've got lungs in your head.

How's that?

That's better.

Mr. Spooner, sellotape, quick.

Here, Mr. Humphreys.

Yes, yes, that's a marked improvement.

He seemed to have travelled from the grotesque to the bizarre.

You know, I still don't like his head.

Well, that's rather unfortunate, because his mouth's in it, and that's the bit

we're going to use.

Shall I speak now?

Not yet.

Look, can't we try a wig on him?

these. They're very popular with news readers.

I don't mind having a bald head.

Actually, it's considered to be rather virile.

That's the trouble. We don't want people coming into the store for the wrong

reasons.

Yes,

yes. Yes, I'll buy that.

It'll be £12.

Accept it as a... It's a technical... Oh, you wouldn't understand.

Well, I think we're about ready. All right, we'll take our positions. Mrs.

Slocum, if you'll go up there, you'll be first. Now then, Mr. Rumbo, what I want

you to do, you say the first part of your speech. You stand up, you introduce

Mrs. Slocum, and hand over to her. All right?

And cue.

What?

Go. Good morning, shoppers.

Or afternooners, as the case may be.

It's all happening here on the first floor at Grace Brothers.

We've got bargains galore and special offers you'll never believe.

And friendly, happy, jolly salespeople.

And here to tell you more about it is Mrs. Slocum.

Hello there, Mrs. Slocum.

Hello there, Mr.

Rumble.

Yes, it's all happening in my underwear today.

Yes, I've been telling the shoppers. I've been telling them about your

marvellous bargains.

I don't blame you.

I've got things that are bigger, better and cheaper than anywhere else.

Sue, come up and see me.

No, no, no, no.

No, you'll have to stop, Mrs. Slocum, please. What's the matter?

Well, it's the lines. Just look at those lines.

Well, can't you adjust your set?

They're not on the screen. They're on her face.

Go and tell her she looks 110.

Be tactful, Mr. Humphreys.

Mrs. Flocombe.

What is it? Did I do something wrong?

Very good, very good.

I really believe that bit about the bargains.

I've got a slight problem.

Did you ever see a film called Lost Horizon when they were all in Shangri

Oh, that's the place where they stayed young forever.

Yes. Do you remember the old priest said if they ever left the valley, they'd

become very, very old. And this young girl didn't believe him. And she left

she walked down the passage and when she got to the end, she was 110.

Well, so what's that got to do with me?

You're halfway down the passage. You'll have to back up a bit.

Mrs. Slocum ready yet?

She'll be ready in 30 seconds.

I can't imagine any make -up that would obliterate the ravages of 50 years.

I think people like to see a lived -in face.

Hers is more than lived -in. It's got squatters.

She's putting on anti -wrinkle cream.

Tightens the skin, takes out all the wrinkles.

I spread it on my fruit at home. Do you know...

It turns prunes back into plums.

All right, now.

We'll try your solo bit again, Mrs. Slocum, all right?

Now, up on the stairs.

You ready, Nigel?

And... Hello,

shocker.

I knew you'd be interested in my fantastic gauntlet.

I've got gracios of half Christ.

No, stop, stop.

Look, there's not a rhythm of expression on her face.

It's that wrinkle cream I told her she was using too much.

Hurry on, come on.

My lady wife used some of that stuff once.

Halfway through supper, there was a loud crack, a small avalanche, and she was

back to her old wrinkled self again.

Look, I don't want to swank, but I'm due at D .H. Evans in half an hour.

Now, can't this girl do it?

Oh, I think that's an excellent idea.

I suggest you go to first aid and get a poultice on it.

I suggest you go and go to your head.

Do you think she'll be all right?

Well, it'll take some time. My fruit lasted all over the Christmas holiday.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning.

How's it going, Mr. Grace?

How's it all going?

We're just going to have a go at Miss Brahms now.

Oh, that should get a crowd round the store.

All right, people, I'd like you all on that side of the camera this time,

please, if you can, as quietly as possible, thank you.

All right, be ready, Nigel. All right.

And cue.

Hello, shoppers. I know you'll be interested in all these fantastic

offers.

Very nice.

What do you say, Mr Harmon?

You can't use her.

Why not?

Her voice, dead common.

Yes, I agree.

I agree.

Mr Humphreys, go and tell her she sounds like a fishwife.

Very good, Miss Barnes. Very good indeed.

I wonder if you could make it a bit more upmarket.

No, no, no.

No, not that sort of market. When I say upmarket, I mean a bit more posher. You

know, think of Angela Rippon and Anna Ford.

Right. And... Posh. Sorry.

Hello there, shopping people.

I know you are going to be absolutely amazed at the super bargains we have.

We have suits and trousers in blues and browns for around and a bite a hundred

times.

No, no. No, no, no, no, that's not right.

It's a good try, but you can't hide common, can you? I'm sorry to interrupt,

it's almost time for Mr. Grace's special medicine.

That's it.

That's the voice.

It's sexy, it's believable, it's just what we're looking for.

She's not a salesgirl.

She doesn't have to be a salesgirl.

She could get down behind the counter and speak the words, and this girl could

mime to them. Then we'd get the best of both worlds. Could she have a go, sir?

She's game for anything.

Aren't you, my dear? Come along.

It's all on this piece of paper. Thank you.

There we are.

And go.

You said cue last time.

Hello, Sean. I know you'll be interested in all these fantastic special offers.

We've got bravias at half price, panty girdles... Just a minute.

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, the store is now closing. Would you mind?

you very much.

Thank heaven for that. What a day. Do you know, I've been rushed off my feet.

Yeah, that television idea worked a treat.

How did you do, Mrs. Sloan?

It was like Christmas Eve. I've never seen anything like it. Yeah, I made

in commission to buy a pair of shoes to replace the ones I wore out today.

Well, you have only yourself to blame for that.

I popped down to the entrance, and that bit you did on the screen certainly

caused quite a stir.

Yeah, that nurse's posh, sexy voice and your sexy looks were a great

combination.

Hey, Shirley, this came special messenger.

Says to the young girl on the ladies' carter, I think it's for you.

It's marked personal and private, and you've opened it.

Yeah, yeah, well, of course, there might have been a bomb in it.

It's got an official stamp on it. Do you think it's income tax?

No, that's a crest, that is.

Two rampant unicorns.

Dear sexy voice, I'm afraid I don't know your name, but I was driving past your

store today when my furry fairy... Ferrari.

When my Ferrari ran out of petrol.

While I was waiting for my chauffeur to bring some in my rolls, I was

enraptured. Enraptured.

That's not a Christian name.

Here, look, look, he's a lord.

He enclosed a photo of him standing outside the front of his house.

Oh, look, he lives in a detached castle.

It's nearly half past five. He'll be phoning in a minute.

Dinner tonight? I haven't got time to go home and get changed.

I'll have to borrow something from stock.

My dear, take advice from an older woman. Don't appear too keen.

Play hard to get.

Say, um, you're not available tonight. If his intentions are serious, he'll try

again.

Oh, I used to dangle myself like a carrot.

But I never let them get a nibble.

Bit late for that now. Not much call for dried vegetables these days.

But what should I say to him? Tell him you're having dinner with your

millionaire boyfriend.

Oh, no, no, you mustn't say that. You don't want to put him off. You want to

appear unscathed. Tell him you're training to be a Carmelite nun on Monday

night's practice night.

Oh, blimey, that'll be him.

I'll get it.

Ladies, intimate apparel.

Lord whom?

Oh, yes.

The lady what you require is entitled Miss Bronze.

But I'm afraid she's just leaving.

However, if you wouldn't mind hanging on a mo.

if I can apprehend her.

It's him. Oh, it sounds ever so nice.

What shall I say?

Whatever it is, make sure it sounds like the nurse that did your voice.

Hello?

Yes, this is A.

Oh, how kind.

No, I'm afraid I can't do it tonight.

Oh, he's keen, isn't he?

I have a previous engagement.

I'm dining at Romano's.

With Mater and Peter.

Yes, he's very high up in the army, you know. We're having a bit of a nosh with

a chum of his who's very high up in something else.

Oh, oh, I see. Well, yes, I'm sure that'll be all right. I'll see you there

then. Bye -bye.

Nicker.

What did he say?

He said he'll meet us there and the bill's on him.

Oh, that's torment.

Well, you'll just have to turn up and dangle your carrot.

Well, after that cock -and -ball story about Mater and Peter and his chum high

up in something, he'll see through me in a minute. I won't be able to carry it

through. Well, your dad was in the army. He could go with you.

He's a bus driver.

Well, he could take the number off his cap.

you were to tell him he was in the army and all that rubbish about his high -up

chum. Well, what am I going to do?

Well, if you take my advice, say goodbye to St. Moritz and the Sapa front, go

home and open a tin of baked beans.

No, no, no, I don't think you should give up so easily.

Look, I'm sure if we all put our heads together, we can come up with a solution

of some...

Here's your

table, Brigadier Brown.

Thank you.

Now, while you're studying the menu, a little drink.

Madame, a nice pair of teeth.

Oh, thank you, and they're my own, too.

Well... What drink do you fancy, my dear?

Oh, well, what was the name of that cocktail, what we had at the bunch of

grapes?

Oh, yeah, it was sort of a lemony, ginny thing.

large pink jeans.

Thank you, sir.

Have you seen the prices? Isn't it wicked?

I thought Mr. Antleys was supposed to be joining us here.

I imagine he's getting his dinner jacket from the cleaners.

And why couldn't you have worn a dinner jacket?

You said I was high up in the army.

Yeah, but you didn't have to be a brigadier.

I could have been if I'd stayed on.

Oh, the caviar sounds rather tempting.

Here, that's ten pounds a throw. You're not having...

Miss Browns, we are here to give you a respectable background.

And as Lord Hurley is generous enough to foot the bill, I don't see why we

shouldn't have a good meal while we're at it.

That's all you're here for, innit?

Well, on our wages, all we could afford in this place would be egg and chips.

have the kidneys, somebody set fire to them.

And before you say anything else, my suit hasn't come from the cleaners. It

happened to be a very good friend of mine, so he's loaned me this. It's got

be back first thing in the morning, because Runcie needs it for a conference

Canterbury.

Menu, Your Grace. Oh, bless you, my son.

You're going to ruin this for me. No one's going to believe you're a bishop.

Ah, Monsignor.

Bon appétit, monseigneur.

It's all good in the church.

18 carat. Not bad.

There, you see.

Everything's going to be perfectly all right as long as we keep calm and you

me do the talking. Miss Brahms, you speak as little as possible.

What about me? You drink as little as possible.

Pull your veil down.

Now, look, everybody, just behave absolutely normally.

Oh, wait, is Mr.

Crane?

Get up, get up, get up. Any problem, sir?

I'm just taking a confession. We'll be long.

Get back in your seats.

You'll never recognise us dressed like this.

Hey there, Peacock.

Another regimental reunion?

That's right, sir, yes.

The wife seems a bit playful tonight.

If you're on your own, perhaps you'd care to join us?

Well, sir, we're expecting some guests.

Here they are, sir.

Don't tell anyone you've seen me out with the girls, will you? I wouldn't

to get a bad reputation in the store.

Your secret will go no further than this table, sir.

You can't stay like that all night.

Well, get rid of the candles.

May I take your order?

Yes, why not?

What do you fancy, my dear?

Smooth salmon and serpent.

Surely?

Lobster thermostat.

Your dress?

May I recommend the sweetbreads? How are they done?

It's not how they're done that worries me. It's where they're from.

Paté de foie gras and guinea fowl.

I'll have the venison.

It's very well hung, sir.

That is of no interest to me, what's going on.

Oh, and champagne,

Clico 71.

And make it a big one.

I can bring a jerry bone if you'd like one.

No, just tell us where it is. We'll make our own.

Good evening, Your Lordship.

Have you a reservation?

No, actually, I'm joining some people. May I take your coat?

All that and a castle to put it in. Now, remember, remember, let me do the

talking. If you have to say anything, it was a low, sexy voice that attracted

it.

Now, I hope you're both hungry.

I'm absolutely ravenous. I haven't had a bite all day.

That voice.

I recognise it anywhere.

Excuse me.

I am Lord Hurley.

You were in that Grace Brothers commercial thing. That's right.

I must say, you look even more attractive in the flesh than you did on

screen outside the store.

May I sit down?

With your permission.

Well, if she doesn't mind.

As far as I'm concerned, you can stay for the rest of my life.

Garcon. Yes, sir?

We ordered pheasant, lobster, Benson, patty de foie gras, guinea fowl and

champagne. And I'd like to make a slight alteration.

Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Egg and chips four times and a pot of tea.