All language subtitles for Are You Being Served s08e05 Heir Apparent

Mr.

Klein, what brings you here at 8 .30 in
the morning?

Oh, it's Mr. Gracie's idea.

He wants me to help out with the sales
next week.

Really? Well, in that case, I shall have
to add your name to the staff list.

Mr. Klein of Cutting.

Is that spelled with a C or a K?

K for the Klein, C for the Cutting.

Klein, Cutting.

Sign here, please. Good morning, Captain
Peacock. Good morning, Captain Peacock.

You will be pleased to note that Mr.
Klein from Cutting is joining us for the

sale. Oh, good morning, Mr. Klein.

It's her rolling round the world, her
looking for the... Crikey, half an hour

early. What's up, insomnia?

The sale starts Monday.

Today's Saturday when we, the humble
staff of Grace Brothers, are allowed to

have a first crack at whatever we fancy.

In that case, our bags first go with
Miss Brahms.

Oh, cancel that. She looks terrible.

Do you know, I was awake all night
worrying I wouldn't wake up.

Worry?

Who would want to buy rubbish like this,
even in a sale?

Normally no one, but there is one item
that Mrs Peacock has asked me to buy for

her. Oi!

Hang on a minute.

I'm the one that reduced it to that. It
is my department, and it's the only

chance I'll ever get of paying that
price for a fur coat.

You could always pay another price.

Mind you, looking like that, you'd be
lucky to get a pair of earmuffs.

Well, if you want it, it'll be over my
dead body.

Please. Look, Mrs. Klein and I have been
married 40 years, and she's never had a

fur coat.

And after all, I mean, she's in the
twilight of her life.

Well, in that case, who's going to see
her in the dark?

Nobody asked my opinion. As a member of
the staff, I'm just as entitled to buy

it as you are. If you can afford it.

Afford it?

On my overtime alone, I can afford two.

But as my wife quite rightly says,
they're dead common.

Mind you, look all right on Mrs. Slocum.

That's the trouble nowadays.

All the wrong people have the money.

Well, that's fine.

Now, look, as we all seem to want the
same thing, perhaps we should draw

for it. We haven't got any straws, and
the canteen doesn't open till 10 .30.

Apart from which, Mr. Humphries isn't
here, and we should give him a chance.

Well, of course he's not here. He hasn't
got a wife or a girlfriend, so he's not

in for it.

the night on the counter?

I didn't want to be late for the sale. I
didn't want to wake up. I was having

such a lovely dream.

Oh, what was it?

Well, I dreamt that England were playing
Wales at rugby and I was about to hurl

myself into the middle of the scrum.

You mean to tell me, Mr Humphries, that
you dreamt you were actually playing

rugby for England?

No, I was in the crowd, but I got
carried away. I do.

Have you come for that coat?

As a matter of fact, I have.

It's not your colour. It's for my
mother.

Five to one chance, because we all want
it.

Well, as Mrs. Slocum won't agree to
drawing straws, what are we going to do?

Wait a minute, I've got an idea.

Now, why don't we all blindfold
ourselves, and then the first one to

of it is the lucky one.

I'm not walking around here blindfolded
with a lot of hands waiting to get

lucky.

And that goes for me, too.

Could be your last chance.

Ignore him. I am. It's not easy, but I
am.

I think I've got the solution. Why don't
we treat it like the Olympic Games?

We'll all go down to the ground floor,
line up at the bottom of the stairs, and

on the word go, we'll all run up here
and the first one to grab the ticket

it. I'll go along with that. But the
ladies should have a start.

Oh, yes, the men must be handicapped.

No, no, I am already handicapped. I
still have a slightly stiff leg as the

result of a war wound.

A German bullet?

According to the way I heard it, he sat
on a rusty fork in the cookhouse.

It did not happen in the cookhouse.

I was in the desert, resting by a tank.

Centurion? No, septic.

Well, if he has a bad leg, he can start
just after Miss Brahms. Oh, wait a

minute. I've got a disadvantage.

My age.

Oh, well, in that case, you can start
alongside Captain Peacock.

Mr Humphreys, do you have a handicap,
too?

No. that it'd make any difference.

But I do think I ought to start in front
of Mr. Spooner. I mean, he's so young

and agile.

Well, then, it's Mrs.

Slocum at the top of the stairs,
followed by Miss Brahms, behind her, Mr.

and myself, then Mr.

Humphreys, and outside in the street,
Mr. Spooner.

Right. Come on.

Wait, wait, wait.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning, Miss Grace.

Which coat was it, dear?

This one here.

Put it on my account.

But it's in the sale, sir. Even better.

Oh, sir, I'll never forget how happy
you've made me. When was that?

Carry on, everybody. You've all done
very well.

Thank you, Miss Grace.

Is this tea or coffee?

Does it taste faintly of bitter coconut?

Now you mention it, yes.

It's tea.

When I phoned Mrs. Klein about the fur
coat, she was in tears.

I shall have to take her out for a nice
lunch now.

If you bring her here, she'll be in
tears again.

It's disgusting the way they feed us.
And the way they pay us.

Yeah, Mr. Grace is past it. I reckon he
ought to retire.

Spending the profits on a fur coat for a
chit of a girl, it's disgusting.

Yeah, I'd like to know what she had to
do to get it.

Oh, if you play your cards right, all
you have to do is flutter your eyelids

smile and you can get anything you want.

Mr Spooner, what are you doing grinning
at me like that? I want the sugar.

Oh, sorry to trouble you during your
break, but I've been asked to nominate a

candidate for the Grace Brothers Sales
Personal Year competition.

Based on sales figures for the past six
months, I have, of course, nominated Mr.

Humphreys. Oh, well done, Mr. Humphreys.

I think a round of applause is in order,
don't you?

Come on.

May I thank you for your touching
reception?

I'm completely underwhelmed.

Mr. Pye?

Oh, well, if he wins against the other
departments, his name is engraved on the

solid silver challenge cup.

Do you know I've never even seen that?

Well, it's kept in the boardroom.

The winner does, of course, receive a
three -inch replica in silver -coloured

plastic. Oh, yes.

Mr Featherstone had one of them once,
and he had it on his mantelpiece. And

day he sneezed and blew it into the
fire.

There also has to be a report from his
colleagues.

I have the form here.

Captain Peacock, perhaps you wouldn't
mind filling it up. I'd like it back in

minutes. But this is our break, sir.

Peacock, I'm still considering that rise
that you asked about.

Would ten minutes be all right, sir?

Progress report on Wilberforce Claiborne
Humphreys. Keep your voice down,

please. It's private and confidential.

I don't want the whole world to know
that I'm accelerating down the road of

towards 40.

According to this form, you can see it
clearly in your rear -view mirror.

Now, marks out of 10 for punctuality.

Well, he's never been late. Except last
Thursday.

That wasn't his fault. Somebody snatched
his handbag.

That wasn't my handbag. It was my
mother's. I was bringing it back to have

crocodile stuck back on it.

Anyway, the police complimented me on
the way I brought down the thief with

flying tackle after a 60 -yard sprint
through the marketplace.

Mr. Humphreys, you can hardly boast
about making a citizen's arrest on an

grinder's monkey.

It had a very strong right arm through
turning that handle.

Nine out of ten for punctuality.

General manner.

I would say genial.

Yeah, he has got a nice smile.

And he has a way with women.

As well.

I'll put good mixer.

Next question, customer handling.

Any comments?

Nobody's complained.

Except that Brazilian ballet dancer.

Ah, that was when I complained. He
bought a very tight pair of trousers,

had to give him a lift to see if the
seams were strong enough.

That was the one we had to give a credit
note to, wasn't it?

Yeah. Mr.

Humphrey's got two free tickets for Swan
Lake.

Yes. Customer handling accomplished.

Knowledge of stock.

Well, I know what I've got and I know
what I'm short of.

Sometimes I'm short of what I wish I'd
got.

Conversant with stock.

How does he react to authority?

Well, I'm always there when you need me,
Captain Peacock. I've always been

available to answer the call for a
customer.

And even when he's busy, he has been
known to help me with my stock.

Oh, yeah, if ever you ask him to do
anything for you, he always will without

complaining.

Now, what's the word I'm looking for to
describe that?

How about crawler?

It's either ubiquitous or unctuous.

But I think for this report, the word
excellent will do.

On account of he can't spell the other
two.

Tidy.

Yes. Appearance and clothes, very good.

A sharp pencil always in top pocket.

Never without pencil.

Does staff member take part in any of
our social activities?

Not officially, but I was thinking of
joining the whiz club to keep fit.

How will that keep you fit?

They take such a long time over it. By
the time they finish, the last bus has

gone and you've got to run home.

So you could walk?

Have you seen me walk?

I'll put on the fringe.

Now, I just have to add my general
comments and take this to Mr Rumbold.

yes, and they want a photograph of you.
Oh, I've got one somewhere taken with

Jimmy Savile.

What were you doing with him?

I was on Jim'll Fix It.

Did he?

Yes, but not permanently.

Who's that one with all those girls on?

Oh, that's... I'm not on there. That's a
picture of me mother before I was born.

She was on the stage.

Let's have a look.

That's her near the end.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Enjoying the canteen fair?

Yes, Mr Grace.

There's your photo back, Mr Humphrey.
Oh, am I missing something?

It's just a picture of my mother when
she was young and lovely.

Oh, was she a chorus girl?

Yes, that's her near the end.

Good grief.

Is that the Golden Garter Girls?

Yes, it is.

At the Old Palace Theatre?

That's right.

In 1938?

I believe that was the date.

Was her name Annie?

Yes, it was.

Did you ever meet your father?

Well, of course, I did.

I've always regretted running away and
leaving her in that state. She was a

lively little thing, but I was bent on
becoming the world's champion racing

driver.

I was young and foolish, a bunch of
flowers, champagne from her slipper, and

was all happening.

What are you talking about?

You mean... Yes, I'm afraid it's true.

Daddy!

Don't call me Mr. Rumble.

Oh, I hope that isn't the way the
message was conveyed.

No, I asked. Captain Peacock to request
you to come and see me in your own good

time. Well, sit down, sit down.

No, no, no, not there. Have mine. It's
got arms.

So it has.

Oh, and it's warm.

Oh, thank you. I have a friend that
smokes these.

Oh.

Perhaps you'd like to give him the box.

Actually, it's a her, but I will give
her the box.

It'll be handy to keep things in.

Needlework? Her gum shield. She wrestles
in mud.

Wrestles in mud? What, for a living?

Well, it is now, but when we started, it
was just for fun.

Well, you certainly see life from every
angle.

Well, she does.

Old Mr. Grace is naturally overjoyed
that he has found himself an heir. So am

Of course, it's only a matter of time
before you're in that big chair up

And when you are, I...

Hope you'll remember who it was who made
you welcome down here. Oh, I will.

And if you want to know what's going on,
I always keep my ear to the ground.

You must cover a lot of territory.

Enter.

Your tea, sir.

Oh, I see he's got your job already, eh?

First rung in the ladder.

Well, goodbye, Rumble.

Hope this has really helped you in your
new job.

Ask if you'll get one.

I am not leaving. I'm merely having a
private talk with old Mr. Grace Jr.

here. Mr. Grace Humphreys. I shall keep
my maiden name.

Oh, well, here is your tea time. Oh,
excuse me. I expect you would prefer the

extra strong executive type tea.

May I take this opportunity to mention,
sir, that the washroom in the packing is

up the creek.

None of the taps work and we have to get
the water for making the tea from the

cistern in the loo.

Thank you, Mr Harmon. You may leave us
now.

Have I your permission to leave, Mr
Grayson? Mr Rambo is still in charge.

Thank you, sir.

Get out.

See the way he treats the lower
hoarders? If you do have industrial

your hands, he'll be the blame. He'll be
the cause.

A very difficult man.

Oh!

Excuse me.

I've got a message for you, Mr
Halfridge.

I think I've got it.

It's from old Mr Grace. He says, could
you pop up and see him when you're free?

Just to have a look round the office.

Any time before three o 'clock?

What happens at three?

He falls asleep.

It's a long day for him, isn't it?

I expect when you get up there, you'll
be at it until the store closes.

I wouldn't bank on it, dear.

There we are, madam. We've had it
repaired for you. And the factories say

they've put in extra strong elastic at
the back.

But if I were you, I'd take only shallow
breaths to begin with.

Until you've got it run in.

Fancy Mr Humphreys being old Mr Greasy's
son.

Yeah, it must be awful to find out
you've been born on the wrong side of

blanket. It means he's some sort of a...

Madam. Thank you.

Miss Browns, Mr Humphreys has already
told us that his mother was married when

he arrived.

Yeah, well, I bet she was the only one
in the maternity ward wearing a wedding

dress.

He's a very charming man.

All he needs is a good woman behind him.

Mrs Flocombe, you're not considering...
Well, he and I get on very well

together, so you watch your step, my
girl.

Because I too might be sitting in that
big chair up there.

Well, if you do, it won't leave much
room for him.

Get all those sweaters out of that
drawer, shake them out, fold them up and

them back.

Sorry I've been off the floor so long.

No, take all the time in the world.

Oh, it's nearly half past two. Perhaps
you'd like to go home. Oh, no, no, no. I

still work here.

Besides, I've got a call coming through
from my mother.

Oh, while you're away, Mr Humphreys, I
sold a three -piece.

And I put it down to you because I know
that if you had been here, you'd have

got there first.

Oh, I couldn't possibly take your
commission.

Oh, please, I insist.

After all, you're an old friend. I feel
like royalty.

Men's wear.

Your Majesty.

Hello? Hello, Mother.

It's Wilberforce.

Wilberforce, dear.

Yes, I've got some news for you. Now,
everything's all right. Will you listen?

Yes, I've got a surprise for you. But I
can't tell you over the phone, so you'll

have to get yourself here.

Yes. Get a taxi.

No, it won't cost me anything. It's
being paid for by a very kind old

who you've met before.

No, it's not that, Vicar, dear. I
haven't seen him for years.

No, no, love, it won't be in the evening
papers.

No, just a bit.

Bye.

Do I understand that we're to have the
pleasure of meeting your dear mother?

Yes, she's on her way.

Ah, Robert.

I have discovered in the boardroom Mr.
Grace Cheney's compliment.

It appears that a member of the staff
informed him that you hoped to buy this

into sale.

Had he known the fact at the time, he
would have insisted that Mr. Grace

Humphreys had it.

Therefore, he is giving his secretary
next Wednesday off in lieu. And there is

the coat with his confidence.

Who told him?

Someone I hope you will reward
handsomely in the near future.

You lucky devil.

How nice for your dear mother.

I hope it's her colour.

I'm not worried about the colour. I'm
just wondering if it's going to be warm

enough for her in the ambulance.

when she finds out that that young man
bent on being a racing driver is now

old and bent.

Come in, Wilberforce.

Thank you, Daddy.

How do I look?

Not a day over 82.

It's over 40 years since I last saw your
mother. I suppose she's changed a bit.

She still looks the same to me.

She was a firecracker.

Yes, and to think it was you that lit
the fuse.

It's the doorman, sir.

Taxi's here.

He just dropped Mrs Humphreys off at the
front entrance.

Oh, me leg's gone.

Send her up.

Send her up straight away.

Oh, she's in the lift. She's not. Oh,
now my leg's gone too.

I beg your pardon?

My son, Wilberforce.

You're Mrs. Humphreys. Oh, you must be
Captain Peacock in charge of the floor.

Oh, he was right. You do have a very
dominant personality.

I don't think he's right about the beady
eyes, though.

What a grand sense of humour he has.

Gather round, everybody.

This is Mrs. Humphreys.

Mrs. Slocum.

If you don't mind me saying so.

You look far too young to be his mother.
No, really.

Yes, really.

Oh, I'm nearly 60.

I don't believe it. No, it's true.

Well, I'm nearly 40.

I don't believe it.

This is Miss Brown's. May I say what a
pleasure it is having your son on the

floor. No.

One doesn't often hear that.

Mr. Spooner, your son's been over me for
six months and I'm very satisfied.

I'm Mr.

Klein. Your son's been under me all
morning and I'm very satisfied.

So many people to please. I don't know
how he manages it.

This is his place over here, Mrs.
Humphries. There we are, over there.

Oh, if I can say so, Captain Peacock, I
don't know how he has the time.

This way a little bit. Oh, yes.

Now, that is where he stands.

And this is his very own...

Tape measure.

Oh, I see.

It's a bit frayed at the end, isn't it?

Well, it's just about due for a 3 ,000
inside leg service.

I believe you're expected up at the
boardroom, Mrs Humphrey. Yes, I just

to get the atmosphere of his
environment.

This is the actual piece of chalk he
used to shorten the sleeves on a 38

fitting. It's not.

It's all too much.

And if you can stay in the strain,
there's half -eaten pastry he was saving

his coffee break.

You can still see the teeth marks. Yes,
that naughty boy still hasn't been to

the dentist.

Oh, well, this is the hanky he puts in
his cuff.

Oh. Now, that's what happened to my
4711.

Oh, well.

There's an empty lift, Mrs. Humphreys.
Perhaps you'd like to go up now.

They've got a surprise for you.

Oh, I see.

What is it?

Oh, it's a secret.

It happened a long time ago and it's to
do with your son.

That probation officer with the pink
pork pie hat's not up there.

It's nothing like that, Mrs. Humphreys.

Well, it's been very nice to have met
you all. The pleasure is all ours.

Allow me to escort you to the lift. Oh,
such manners.

You know, when one gets to... know you,
you're not a toffee -nosed git at all.

You've just missed her. She's just gone
up. Well, I'll wait for a few minutes

before I go up. It's going to be a very
touching reunion.

And 40 years is a long time.

Apart from which, no one has told her
that her secret is known.

I wonder how she'll take it.

So do I.

Come in, Mrs. Tomsbury. Your son's just
gone downstairs, but he'll be back in a

minute. Come in, come in.

You must be Mr.

Grace. And you must be little Annie.

Thank you.

Can you forgive me for what I did to
you?

I've only just arrived. What did you do?

Leaving you like that when you needed
me, when you both needed me all those

years ago.

I don't know what you're talking about.
I've never met you before in my life.

Do you remember a youngish man who came
to the show, drank champagne out of your

slipper and dined you at Romano's?

No, I remember an oldish man who bought
me a Wellington boot full of milk stout

and took me out for a fish supper.

That was me in those days, just like
that was you.

That's not me. I never danced with
feathers.

That's me with the balloons and the big
hat.

That one you're pointing to, that's
Annie Granger, the girl that couldn't

no.

Every man's leavings. Oh, I've seen the
rubbish that used to come and see her.

You mean I'm not the father of your
child?

Well, let me put it this way.

Were you ever a milk roundsman that got
kicked in the head by his horse and had

to lie down in somebody's front parlour?

No.

Did you ever drop by... parachute in a
backyard in Runkarn late one Friday

night? No.

Were you ever caught in the tunnel of
love in Western Supermare during the

phase?

No. In that case, I can safely say that
my son is no relation to you whatsoever.

What a relief.

Get me Captain Peacock.

Men's wear.

That's for you, Captain Peacock. It's
his daddy.

Here, sir.

What?

I see.

An unfortunate mistake, sir, yes.

Oh,

you're relieved.

Yes, so am I.

What's happening?

Come on, tell us.

In a nutshell, Mr. Humphreys, Mr. Grace
is not your father.

Mr. Grace is not my father?

Well, what does that mean?

I suggest you return to normal, or in
your case, as near as you can get to.

Goodbye, sweet smell of success.

Hello, the pong of poverty.

You'll get over it. I'm not worried
about me. It's me mother she'll be so

disappointed. Never mind. She's got a
nice fur coat to take her mind off it.

forgotten about that. Let's have a look
at it.

There's nothing like a fur coat for
getting over a disappointment.

Would you like me to wrap it up and make
a nice parcel for her?

No, I think I'll have it myself. I'm
more disappointed than she is.

Mr. Humphreys, you can't wear a lady's
ankle -length fur coat in broad

You're quite right, Captain Peacock.
I'll have it shortened and wear it in

evening.