Original subtitles

for perfumery, stationery and leather goods, waste and haberdashery,

and food.

I'm

stuck

on six across.

What's the clue?

Clerical part of chicken, seven and four.

Clerical part of chicken, seven.

Parsons, no.

Of course.

That was a difficult one here.

Traffic flow on Jewel Carriageway, question mark, 4, 3, 3 and 4.

This way and that.

Fancy me not getting that.

Would you mind discussing your popular press junior crossword in a quieter

voice? I'm concentrating on a difficult clue in the Times.

Oh, what is it, Captain Peacock? Perhaps we can help.

I rather doubt it.

Found in an ancient Greek bath.

Two words beginning with A and P.

Found in an ancient Greek bath.

A and P.

It's on the tip of me tongue.

A -pluggle.

Archimedes' principle.

I didn't know you were acquainted with the classical age, Miss Browns. I'm not.

I read it on a matchbox.

Long blonde hair, topless, riding a bicycle.

Where's that?

Page three. Want to look?

Oh, I see you haven't finished your tea.

Well, there are a lot of tea leaves in it.

The tea bag must have burst.

These tea bags are very, very delicate.

Mr. Grace has just brought up a load of seconds from Hong Kong.

Perhaps you poured the water in too hard.

In the future, I shall bring my own tea bags.

It'll still cost you 5p a day.

If I'm using my own tea bags, how do you make that out? Well, I've still got to

deliver the hot water, haven't I? And there's the use of the cup, the saucer

the spoon.

And service charge for my smiling face.

Thank you, Mr. Holmes.

You came for me, sir?

Oh, yes, Peacock. Have you got the mid -morning sales figures?

Yes, sir.

Well, where are they?

In my head.

Really, Peacock, that's not good enough.

I need the total sales.

Ready -mades, accessories, skirts, jumpers and intermediate apparel. And I

them on paper.

Very well, sir.

What's that?

To those of us who have studied mathematics, sir, it is known as a

What do you mean, nought?

We haven't taken one solitary pee.

And how do you account for that?

Well, sir, there's a recession.

Minimum lending rate has not been cut. The Russians are still in Afghanistan.

Oil has gone up $3 a barrel.

The share index is down 14 points.

But I think the main factor is that the rain has been tiddling down all morning.

Now, that's absolute piffle, Peacock.

When I've signed these letters, I shall come out onto the floor and investigate

personally. Yes, sir.

Hello.

Is that you, Rumbold?

Oh, yes, sir. How are the mid -morning sales figures?

Well, not too bad, sir. We're only 28 pounds down on yesterday.

You only did 28 pounds yesterday.

How do you account for this?

Well, sir, there's the recession.

The minimum lending rate has not been cut. The Russians are still in

Afghanistan. The price of oil has gone up three dollars a barrel.

Share index has gone down 14 points. And, um, um... It's been

tiddling all morning.

What was that?

Tiddling all morning.

Where are you speaking from?

My office, sir.

Your office is better equipped than mine.

I'm not pleased, Rumbold.

Neither am I, sir. There's a big difference between me not being pleased

not being pleased.

In what way, sir? You could get the chop.

This is very serious, Peacock. It is indeed.

You could get the chop.

Well, I'm coming down on the floor to investigate personally.

Yes, sir. I'll tell them you're on your way. No, you won't. I want to see what

they're doing.

And more importantly, what they're not doing.

Look out, Rambo's coming on the floor.

As I was saying, sir, it's been a very quiet morning, so we busied ourselves

tidying the place up.

You know the old saying, sir, the devil finds work for idle hands.

If you've been so busy tidying up Peacock, what's his paper doing here?

A customer left it, sir. I thought we hadn't had any customers.

Well, we haven't had any customers that bought anything.

He came in, left his paper and went out again.

36 Copthorn Avenue.

Isn't that your address, Captain Peacock? Yes, sir.

Perhaps you would like to explain why your address is on a customer's paper.

I would like to explain, Mr. Rumburg.

Would you like me to explain, Captain Peacock?

I'd like that even more, Mr. Holmes.

The customer came in for some golf clubs.

We don't sell golf clubs here.

I know. That's why he went out again.

But while we were chatting, he did imply that he remembered playing around with

me at Gleneagles.

I denied it vehemently. I mean, I have never been on a golf course in my life.

Well, not in daylight, anyway.

But he said he'd like my address so that if he remembered where it was we met,

he could write to me. Well, I didn't want to get embroiled, so I took the

liberty of putting Captain Peacock's address.

That's why Captain Peacock's address appears on the bottom of that paper.

That is quite correct, sir.

Then why didn't he take it with him?

Yes, why didn't he take it with him, sir?

I've done my part of the story. It's up to you.

Since this all occurred while I was in your office, sir, I can throw no further

light on the matter.

He's not very bright. He's only done two clues in the crossword puzzle, and one

of those is wrong.

He didn't look very well, sir. To me, as though he'd got measles.

Well, obviously something is radically wrong.

Gather round, everybody. Come along.

This is one of the lowest figures we have ever had.

Aye? What was the one below that, then?

When we didn't sell anything all day and fired the junior.

Well, if people won't buy, it's not our fault.

On the contrary, it is your fault.

Now, let me paint you a parallel picture.

Think of a half -full jam pot with a hole in the lid. Now, a wasp comes

climbs through, because he's attracted to the jam, and gets his feet stuck.

what can we learn from this?

Well, we've got to have a little hole instead of the lift doors. Paint the

with blue.

We'll end up with a store full of dead customers.

All right, I'll put it more plainly. Now, you... are the jam.

Once a customer gets to the counter, you must capture his attention and not

release him until you've made a sale.

That's all very well, but half of them crawl through the little hole and then

buzz off as soon as they see Captain Peacock.

Well, perhaps we get into the bottom of it. Maybe we've got the wrong mixture of

personalities here.

Let's try something.

Let's have Mr Humphreys greeting the customers. He has a genial, outgoing

personality. Let's see how that works.

We may have to wait quite a time, sir. There aren't any customers.

That doesn't have to be a problem. I'll be a customer. Yeah, you're totally

ignoring our side, aren't you? I mean, we get customers and all, you know.

Why can't you mind your own business?

No, no, I think that's a very good idea.

Look, you can be my wife, Mrs. Slocum. Now, we are, let's say, a typical

couple coming into the store.

We've been married for ten years, we know what we want, but we don't know

to find it.

It must be magic being married to you.

Thank you very much.

Broken? Where are you going?

I'm going up the stairs so that I can come out of the little hole.

Mr. Rumbold, why are you holding my hand?

You're my wife.

Well, what do you think I'm going to do, run away?

Good morning, sir. Good morning, madam. Dreadful morning, isn't it? Yes, indeed.

Yes, I haven't known such weather since my summer holidays.

Oh, well, it's good for the garden, though, isn't it? Yes. Have you got a

one? Not that big.

Well, it's the best sort.

We must have wanted something very badly to have come in weather like this.

Well, to tell you the truth, we are not sure what we want. I see.

Well, our evening bags are very reasonable.

Oh, they are nice, aren't they? How much are they? Fifteen pounds, reduced from

twenty pounds.

Oh, well, you can have one, my dear. Oh, how sweet of you.

See you, Miss Brown.

Well, after a night out... at the opera with the evening bag, what could be

nicer than to go home and slip into one of our nighties? 28 pounds.

That's rather transparent, isn't it? Yes, well, to overcome that complaint,

I usually sell them too.

It's called the Salome look.

Now you see it, now you don't.

In your case, you don't.

And we have a special offer today. The perfume.

There.

It's a bit strong, isn't it? It's called power failure.

Why is that?

You can always find your wife in the dark.

That's 77 pounds altogether.

Cash or account?

Account.

There you are, you see.

77 pounds worth of business in a couple of minutes.

And all because of Mr Humphrey's genial personality.

Mr Rumbold, should Captain Peacock's job become vacant, I'm not only ready, but

willing.

I have you very much in mind, Mr. Humphreys. Before anybody makes a hasty

decision, might I suggest that we do get less cooperative customers?

What do you mean, Captain Peacock? If Mr. Humphreys would care to play the

again, perhaps I could demonstrate.

I'm sure Mr. Humphreys will oblige.

Perhaps Miss Brahms would be my wife.

Don't be daft. A girl her age would never marry you.

Come to that, a man of my age would never marry you.

Well, it is only make -believe, don't let's argue.

Very well. Let's get upstairs, Mrs. Slocum.

I bet it's a long time since anyone said that to you.

Shut up.

Now, now, now, just a moment. Remember, you are a typical suburban married

couple. I object to that word, suburban.

Well, how would you describe yourself?

Upper middle class.

Have you got two bathrooms in your house?

No. Have you got gnomes in your garden?

A couple of very small ones.

Are you within walking distance of a metropolitan line station?

Yes. You're suburban.

Oh, come on, let's get on with it.

Good morning, sir. Good morning, madam.

It is quite plain to anybody but a bird brain that it is nothing like a good

morning. It's teeming with rain.

It's good for the garden.

On the contrary.

My fish pond has been flooded. All my goldfish have been sluiced into the

gutter. Heaven knows where they are now.

Lost in suburbia.

Well, you must have wanted something very badly to come out in weather like

this. We do.

A handbag.

I'm not buying you a handbag.

Oh, come, sir. You can't have madam walking around with an old bag on her

Why not? I've been doing it for years.

Stop!

Could I interest you in our see -through nighties?

What have you got in corrugated iron?

Look, I'm not playing if it's going on like this.

What about something for yourself, sir? A pair of gloves, for instance?

Do you know we have hundreds and hundreds of pairs to choose from?

Serve you right for buying so many.

You're being deliberately pig -headed and obstinate. What a way to talk to a

customer. I shall take my trade elsewhere.

Do that.

Come along, Hilda. I'm not budging from this spot until you've bought me

something, you mean old skinflint.

I've got better things to spend my money on than you, you old rat bag.

As far as I'm concerned, he can have you.

Be quiet.

No wonder you're not selling anything if this is the way you carry on.

Anyway, it's made my mind up for me. I'm going to knock your wages down by ten

percent. With respect, Mr. Grace, that is outrageous.

Either that or I shall move your whole department down into the bargain

basement.

But it's nearly all storage. Nobody goes down there.

Judging from your figures, nobody'd know the difference.

There. That sold them. Does power like that excite you?

Oh, yes, sir. Good. You're easily pleased.

Oh, it's so humiliating.

I never thought that at my time of life I'd be reduced to the bargain basement.

You keep on eating those cream cakes, nobody will know you've been reduced.

I keep thinking, what will they say about us in the trade?

A gents department in the bargain basement is unprecedented.

I'll be the laughing stock of Swan and Edgar's.

My mother will have to resign from the co -op.

I think I ought to look for another job. What could you do?

What do you mean, what would I do?

I've got my brain, I've got my eyes, my senses, my hands, my feet.

You could be a guide dog.

It's all right for Miss Browns. I mean, she could always get married to somebody

who'll keep her in the manner to which she's been accustomed.

I don't want to live in the manner to which I've become accustomed.

I mean, coming in here every day, Larry Grayson Saturday, Roast and Toothpaste

Sunday. I want some excitement. I want to do something with me life.

I'm looking for Dallas and all I'm getting is Coronation Street.

You're lucky all I'm getting is Jackanory.

Life is very dull today.

I was lucky.

I had the war.

You could become a mercenary, Captain Peacock.

I don't think mercenaries ever pay costs.

I was not in the pay car, Mr. Hopeless.

I was with the R .E .S .C. in the desert.

Running the cookhouse.

I was in the front line, often with 24 hours of constant shelling.

Yeah, and when he finished the peas, he had to get on with the potatoes.

Well, speaking for myself, and I am unanimous in this, I can't afford to

10 % pay cut.

You could easily make it up. Send your pussy out to work.

It's against my nature, but I'm feeling very militant.

What are you going to do about it?

Well, I'm not going to take a 10 % cut and I'm not going down to the basement.

In a nutshell, I'm not going to take this sitting down.

What are you suggesting?

A sit -in.

Yes, but if we have a sit -in in the department, no one will know.

Can't we have a sit -in outside the front door? No, no, no, no, no, no. All

they've got to do is bolt the door and we're locked out in the cold.

Yeah, we'll have to stand round abrasia like the firemen.

Abrasia, Miss Brown, you...

You don't have a fire in a brassiere.

Oh, you haven't seen her at the disco.

We want to inconvenience them.

I'm not sitting in the loo.

I had a friend once in Wormwood Scrubs, and he had a grievance that he went up

on the roof, wrapped up in a blanket with a bucket on his head, and he

come down till his demands had been met.

What was he demanding?

Someone to open him off with his bucket.

You know, I like the idea of the roof.

It will alert the public to our grievances. Right. Who's with me?

What have we got to lose?

Right. 9 .30 tomorrow morning on the roof.

It's nearly 9 .30. Where is everybody?

Don't ask me.

Well, they were supposed to be here early to help move the stock down into

basement.

About time. Come on, you lot. You're late.

I've got to get this door barred before anyone pursues us.

Oh, that's gone. It was no bolt on the outside and the key's missing.

I thought of every eventuality, Miss Huntress. I came up here on a wrecking.

Now, look.

Hold that. Hold that against there. There we are.

Hang on.

Ah!

Well, we're up here.

Now what do we do?

No, we have to alert the public to our grievances. Like her friend from

Scrubs. I'm not putting a bucket on my head, and I am unanimous in that.

Oh, no, no, we need to shout over the parapet.

That's a good idea.

Oi!

No good shouting, oi. They think we're workmen.

No, just like this.

We need a slogan to shout.

How about Grace Brothers Unfair to Salespersons? Great. Look, there's a

people down there. Let's try it. Ready?

it together. Now, follow me.

Right.

Grace Brothers Unfair to Salesperson.

Mr. Grossman, yes? Look, you're doing unfair on one beat. It should be two.

Unfair. Grace Brothers Unfair to Salesperson. Now, all together.

Grace Brothers Unfair to Salesperson.

Again. Grace Brothers Unfair to Salesperson. Good.

Now, quick. While you've got it, turn around and do it over the parapet.

Oh, oh.

That little baby in the pram. So he is.

Oh,

they obviously can't hear us.

We've got to find some other way of attracting their attention.

Well, let's chuck over a message in a bottle.

We don't want to kill anybody. We just want to attract their attention.

What about a paper dart?

I used to make paper darts when I was a mixed infant.

As opposed to a little girl six desks away.

Oh. Isn't that sweet?

Did she accept?

No, somebody sneezed and the little boy next door got it.

He still writes to me from a Benedictine monastery.

I've got a list of our demands.

That should be ideal for a paper dance. Here we are.

There you

are,

Captain Peter.

Mr. Humphries, that is not a paper dart. It's a paper hat.

Thank you.

That was another time entirely.

We was a very happy... Do you know, your life isn't like Jackanory at all. It's

more like Blue Peter.

Fake as it be, I found a pot of red paint.

Well, what good's that?

We could paint the slogan on the wall. We'll see it all over London.

Oh, that's important.

Go on, then.

Get cracking.

No, I can't do it.

I've got no head for heights.

I can't even take tall girls out. I'd really do it if someone wouldn't mind

holding my thrust.

Come on, Captain Peacock, we'll hang on to your coattails.

I'm afraid I must decline.

I thought you was a fearless soldier.

Yeah, he wasn't trained to shell peas up to fly down.

Are you scared?

I am not scared.

I'll show you what the men of my corps were made of here.

A lot of you. Here, give that to me.

I do all me own decorating at home. Oh, be careful. Right, hang on to me ankles.

Now, what was that slogan again?

Grace... Ah!

Oh, no!

Grace Brothers Unfair to Salesperson. Right.

Grace... Girl.

You think you'll be able to see that from down there? Is it big enough?

No, it's big enough to be seen from up here.

will have to stand on their heads.

You're gliding upside down. Oh, pull me up. I'm getting dizzy.

Give me a hand, Mrs. Hogan.

We've attracted attention now, all right.

Somehow I don't think a red policeman is going to be on our side. I don't think

you're managing this very well, Captain Peacock. What do you mean?

Well, I know they know we're up here, but they don't know that we are being

militant. Yeah, or what we're being militant about.

We came up here much too soon.

The first thing we should have done was to tell Mr. Grace what our grievances

were. Well, it's too late now. We're cut off.

Oh, no, it isn't. Come over here, Mr. Humphreys.

I'm not going to hang myself.

I've been a martyr in my family for 500 years.

There's another article for the Post of Assistant

Secretary, Mr. Grace. Well, show her in.

Thank you, dear.

Leave us alone.

What's your name?

Virginia Edwards.

That's a nice name.

You're a lively little thing.

Would you like to see my curriculum be typed?

Not at 10 .30 in the morning.

Come and sit on my knee.

Good. You're not too heavy. Shall we begin the typing test?

Yes, sir.

Dear sir...

working with such old equipment?

Well, we all have our crosses to bear.

Mr. Grace?

Yes, dear?

The man's disappeared outside your window and he's beckoning.

Has he a sickle and a long white beard? And is he wearing a nightshirt?

No. Oh, thank heavens for that.

It's young Mr.

Humphreys. What are you doing out there?

Practising to be a fair...

And we're not coming down until our demands have been satisfied.

I'm in very much the same position.

What did he

say?

Oh, he didn't really have much time to talk to me. But I managed to attract the

attention of Mr. Patel.

From accounts.

He was in the admin washroom on the fifth floor.

Will he spread the word?

Well, he said he would if he could, but he could only manage one thing at a

time. Did he see your point of view?

Yes. Do you know that upset him more than the news?

Oh, heck!

The policeman has called in the flying squad!

Good morning, brothers.

I've come to tell you you have the full support of the Packing Department.

What are you going to do?

We have passed three resolutions.

One, that we are behind you.

Two, that your case will rest on the table.

Three, we will not cross your picket line. Well, since our picket line's on

roof, I don't think that that'll make much difference.

What are you going to do now?

We are going to call an emergency meeting of the Action Committee for the

time next week with the view of placing the whole matter before ACOS. That's all

very well, but what are you going to do this... very minute what all unions do

when there's an emergency.

What's that? Put the kettle on.

What's that noise?

It's coming from the lift shaft.

Mr. Rumble, what on earth are you doing?

I'm standing on the top of the lift.

I want you all to know that I think you're behaving very irresponsibly.

What on earth are we expected to do? We in middle management are bringing every

conceivable moral pressure to bear. And you cut the ground from beneath our

feet. Who cut that ground?

We like taking cuts.

But as the Prime Minister said, you may not like the medicine, but it's the only

way the patient's going to get well.

Now, look, if we all stick together, we'll all pull through to better times.

Let's have some of the spirit of Drake and Nelson and Winston Churchill.

Now, what about it?

Well, I think your mention of Churchill has struck the right note. Don't you

agree? We do.

Oh,

you've blown a fuse.

Well, it seems as if you're with us after all, Mr Rumble.

I'll take a stare. You can't. Captain Peacock has boarded them up.

All this is intolerable. How am I going to get down?

Jump off the parapet and flap your ears. Oh, dear.

It's coming through the ventilator.

What are we going to carry from?

Oh, do you think the building's on fire?

It's probably fused to the canteen. They're always burning something.

Maybe they're doing smoke tatters.

No, it's not smoke tatters.

The building's on fire. Women and children, come to me.

Come on.

and the bargain basement's alight.

Aha. Well, every cloud has a silver lining. At least they can't send us down

there now.

You! You!

What happened to the Benedictine monastery?

Well, it's a long story.

You can tell me on the way down.