Original subtitles

Good morning, Captain Peacock. Good morning, Mrs. Slocum.

Come along, Mrs. Slocum. It's nearly nine o

'clock. Captain Peacock, if you was a gentleman, you'd see that I've got my

stuck and you'd give me a hand.

Mr Spooner, are you free?

We don't open till nine, Captain Peacock. Till then, I'll employ my time

I like.

How would you like to do some stock -taking after we close?

I'm very afraid.

Mrs Slocum appears to be trapped in her coat. Would you please assist her?

Very good, sir.

Oh, thank you, Mr Spooner.

I seem to have got it stuck on my chunky bracelet.

More likely to be caught on your chunky arm.

Yeah, let's have a go.

Will there be anything else?

Yes. Who's going to pay for this?

It's solid silk.

Grace Brothers are only responsible for accidents which occur during working

hours, and we don't open for another 21 seconds.

If you'd like to put your coat back on, Mrs. Slocum, we'll try again in 30

seconds, then you can put in a claim.

Get out of my area before I bite your ear roll.

So, where is Miss Browns? In another second, she's going to be late.

Oh, sorry I was very nearly late, Captain Peacock. But I had a lift in a

chauffeur -driven car.

And when I tried to get out, I was molested.

Oh, this is disgraceful. Did you get the number of the vehicle? Yes, I did.

Did you get a good look at your attacker?

I did.

And would you recognize him if you saw him again? I would.

Yes, well, I feel it my duty to report this matter to the police.

It's disgraceful that young women can't accept lifts without being molested in

this fashion.

You shall have my full support in this matter. Oh, thank you, Captain Peacock.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning, Mr. Grant. You've all done very well.

You haven't started yet.

Sir, if I might have your attention for the moment. Try this one. It works

better.

Mr. Grace, a very serious matter has come up, and I'd like your permission to

contact the police.

Before you tell me, I just dropped in to give that young lady her umbrella back.

She left it in my car.

How very good of you, sir.

Yes, what was it you were saying about the police?

It was to see if they'd found this very umbrella.

They're most expensive.

And Miss Brahms was upset about losing it. You ask me, she'd be upset about

losing anything.

Well, carry on, everybody.

You've all done very well.

Except one of you.

It's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Well, I expect you was

provocative. I was not.

Crikey, what's that?

It is gold watch and chain.

However, did it get down there?

Oh, it must have dropped off when he leant over to lock the car door.

I've a good mind to keep it. Miss Brahms, we wouldn't like to think you

just a good time girl.

Shall I give it back to Mr. Grace?

Oh, I say, it's a hunter.

If it had been down there long enough, it probably would have found something.

We're looking for special delivery for the men's department.

Mr. Harmon, you are not allowed on the floor after nine o 'clock.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll save up and buy an hot air balloon that I can float it across the floor

untouched by human hands.

Alternatively, I will study under Uri Geller and really improve my mental

concentration to the point that I can lift it by mental topography.

And if I do, you mustn't shout at me, because if you do, I shall lack

concentration and it'll probably drop on your head.

I shall ignore your attempt to be insolent. If you're ignoring it, why are

them little veins standing out on your neck?

I shan't speak to you again.

A message came with it. Shall I take that with me?

Oh, you're holding out your hand. Do you want the note?

Perhaps you'd like me to read it for you. Give me the note.

Oh, he spoke. That's nice. We're friends again.

A cargo note from the docks. It reads, very fragile.

I can't make out the signature.

Here, let me. Me eyes are younger.

Oh, it's from Mr Humphreys.

Well, what's Mr Humphreys sending that's fragile?

Oh, some find out.

delivery van had a puncture.

Have you been to a fancy dress party?

No, I've been to quite a normal party on a British ship.

Well, as normal as could be expected.

I had one drambuie shandy too many, so I thought I'll walk round the ship to

sober myself up. When I got back on deck, we were puffing up an estuary.

Well, there was a tug pulling us out, so I climbed down this rope over the

raging sea and I hurled myself on the deck. Oh, Mr. Humphreys, how brave.

Well, when you're playing poker with six big stokers and you're going to put all

your worldly possessions on a jack and two tens, then you find out that

somebody's holding a pair of queens, you don't stop to think.

Well, I accept your excuse for being late, Mr. Humphreys.

At least it's more believable than when you claim to have been arrested as an

illegal immigrant after spending a weekend down a coal mine in Tony Pandy.

That story was perfectly true. I've got a hat with a little lamp on the front to

prove it.

Sir, would you mind signing this requisition for the clothes that Mr

is now wearing? Ah, yes, certainly.

When he returns, then we can put them back into stock as shop soil.

You know, I still don't understand what actually happened to his own clothes.

I thought I'd explain that. I was trying to win them back.

Funny to think, isn't it, somewhere on the high seas is a very well -dressed

shoveling coke into a boiler.

Oh, well, the more we get to know you, Mr Humphreys, the less amazing it seems.

So you are, after all, quite an unusual person.

It has been mentioned.

For that reason, it has been decided at management level to offer you a very

special job which requires your special talent. Oh, yes?

Pull up a chair and sit down. Thank you.

There's only one chair.

Well, I only asked one person to sit down.

Now, old Mr. Grace has decided that our store should have its very own magazine.

You know, the sort of thing, gossip, titbits, who's who.

And who's what?

General information.

Perhaps a beauty contest.

You always seem to be up with the gossip and you mix very freely with people.

What you say does have a ring of truth about it.

So we've decided to offer you the editorship.

I'm sure Mr Humphreys is very flattered, sir. Do I get extra money?

I'm afraid not.

Mr Humphreys isn't very flattered.

You will get a lot of prestige.

I mean, your name will be up there in print.

I hope it's going to be bigger than that.

What are we going to call the magazine, sir?

Ah, now, we had a very long meeting and discussion about this at boardroom

level. And we came up with a couple of very good ideas.

Here,

the first idea was, what's on in the store?

And the second idea was, what's up in the store?

Well, I think if my name's going to be up there, perhaps, what's on in the

store?

Well, you're in charge, Mr Humphreys. Oh, and by the way, the photographic

department is at your disposal should you wish to put in a photograph of any

member of the staff with the story, and that does, of course, include

management. I shall need some time off the floor, sir. For that, I require

Captain Peacock's permission.

Well, couldn't you talk to people in your coffee break?

Well, supposing I want to take a photograph? You know the sort of thing.

Hard -working executive at his desk.

By the way, Mr Rumbold, which is your best side?

I'm never sure.

With a face like yours, you're rather spoilt for choice.

I would say the left.

Yes, yes, I can see you might have to leave the floor for that sort of thing,

you have my permission.

Which, of course, overrides Captain Peacock's permission.

Thank you, sir.

Yes, I think that's all. Now, remember, this is an in -store thing. Nothing too

serious, nothing controversial.

Just keep it all light and gay.

I'll keep it as light as possible.

And a word of advice.

As a tactical move, I'd have a picture of old Mr. Grace on the front page of

first issue. He'd like that.

It's not surprising you are where you are, sir.

Perhaps Mr. Grace would like to be photographed standing next to myself.

Sort of congratulating me on the efficiency of my department.

Well, either that or with your secretary on his knees showing a bit of leg. I

mean, that should improve the circulation.

Won't do the magazine much harm, will it?

Now. Have you decided which young lady is going to sit on your knee, Mr. Grace?

It's hard to decide.

I'll bet he's been awake all morning thinking about it.

This is going to make a splendid front cover.

I shall show behind that firm exterior you have a sense of fun.

At his age, he's lucky to have a sense of anything.

Who's it going to be then, Mr. Grace?

Stop trying to sway my opinion.

Then sit down.

Oh, yes, that's very informal.

Me?

I'd like to show a bit of leg, dear.

Look it through here. It's just like a scene from Dallas.

What about me, Mr Grace? You promised you'd put me in it. That was a different

conversation altogether.

I won't put on my weight there.

Now, it'll only take a moment.

One quick flash and it'll all be over.

The story of my life.

I can't see much of you, Mr. Grace.

In fact, I don't know if I can see anything.

I can see quite a lot from here.

Girls, could you lean back so that we can see our founder?

Hurry up. The blood stopped in me leg.

I want lots of movement with the hair. Toss your head back like that.

Come on, come on. Get on with it. Is my tie straight?

Yes, yes. Come on now. Plenty of teeth. Those who've got them.

What is it, Mr. Grace?

My leg's gone to sleep. You'll have to get off. It won't be a minute. It might

spread.

Five, four, three, two... Well,

it's certainly informal.

I've explained how that came about.

Now, these are the other ones, and that's the one I'm going to use.

He has a good life up there.

I hope I can get a pretty girl to sit on my knee when I'm his age.

I agree, yes.

As a matter of fact, as I get older, it's very encouraging to find that young

women seem to appreciate sophisticated humour, charm and maturity.

You mean Miss Hurst, the raver from Novity Candles?

Has nobody particular in mind?

From what I can remember, she's not very particular.

Oh, I see. You've been having a go there and all, have you?

I didn't say that.

Oh, you do make me laugh, you men, the way you talk about us women.

Don't you realise that girls only do these things for people like old Mr

out of kindness and sympathy?

And because he's rich.

Look who's talking. You mean to tell me you wouldn't sit on an old man's knee

and put your arms round him for a thousand quid?

I might.

Would you for a pound?

Certainly not. What do you think I am?

Willing but expensive.

You'd have to fork out a few, Bob, if you expected me to sit on your knee.

I agree. I'd want danger money.

If you sat on my knee, I'd want danger money.

Not to mention scaffolding.

Don't be cheeky to senior staff.

What are you writing there, Mr. Humphries? Oh, it's for the magazine.

The continual battle of the sexes rages on unabated on the first floor.

Will young Mr Spooner succeed in his endeavours to make Miss Brahms fall for

macho charm?

Their love -hate relationship reached a new climax in the canteen today when she

suggested payment for her favour.

How dare you? I never said that.

Mr Humphreys, you're twisting what was said.

Well, it's gossip. It's up to me as the editor to make it interesting.

Yes, I agree with Mr Humphreys.

I think you're both overreacting.

It's just a bit of straw gossip. All very harmless.

Oh, well, I suppose you're right.

Will you be taking a copy home?

I don't see why not. My wife is always interested in what goes on here.

Oh, she'll love this bit.

It's headed femme fatale in novelty candles.

It has come to our editor's notice that Miss Bea Hurst of novelty candles has a

certain member of the staff in quite a tiff.

Her latest suitor is flirtatious floor walker Captain Stephen Peacock.

Fifty -five.

Whose conduct at the last Christmas party resulted in his being banned from

haberdashery for three months.

How dare you, Mr. Albus. Give me that.

What if my wife were to get hold of this?

Don't you think you're overreacting?

Shut up.

Now. I can make life very difficult for you on the floor, Mr Humphreys. Come to

that, we all can.

Sure, I don't want to upset anybody, but you read this sort of thing in the

papers every day.

Well, I do.

Yes, that's other people.

If my wife ever thought I had looked at another woman, she'd leave me tomorrow.

On second thoughts, publish and be damned.

Mr Humphreys will publish what we tell him he can publish.

Haven't you ever heard of the freedom of the press?

Have you ever heard of the dole?

you want me to put?

Well, you can put anything you like as long as we're shown in a good light.

Yeah, there must be something to interest people other than gossip.

Yes, that's true. But it's up to Mr. Humphreys to come up with something.

So all in favour, raise their right hands.

Mr. Humphreys?

Why don't you use your magazine to mention our grievances?

The pay rise you have promised never came through.

Yeah, and what about that £600 bonus for the department?

We never got that.

They said we didn't reach our targets.

Yeah, but they never said what our targets...

They did let us out of it. That's what they did. I could have done with that

cat. Yes, indeed.

Well, you should stick to that sort of thing and forget the idle gossip.

Here. You heard the latest about Miss Hurst, a raver from novelty candles. I

don't wish to know.

Her department manager's found out why she's so often away from the canter. I'm

sure we're not interested.

I know she's been kissing at the fire exit. I'm putting my fingers in my ears.

Mr Grover of Bedlam. Could she?

Grover? He's my...

Mr. Holmes, put all that information down. It's disgusting. She must be

From what I hear, it's a bit late for that.

I thought you didn't want gossip.

Oh, not ours, but that's somebody else's.

Funny thing, the freedom of the press.

Good morning, sir. Morning.

The gentleman's department is over the way.

No, it's you I want.

Really? Yes.

Those fun wigs, how much are they? Ten pounds.

It's real, lifelike, simulated nylon.

Brushable, washable and fireproof.

Yes, it's a new line, sir, straight from Hong Kong.

Miss Brahms, I'm dealing with this sale.

You know, you've got very nice hair.

Oh, thank you. It's a bit frizzy at the moment. Normally, I'll wear it longer.

Miss Brahms? Yes, Mrs. Slocum? Buzz off.

That's all you can get nowadays.

Mr Spooner, would you pass that blonde wig over here, please?

Would that be the Bo Derek or the Faye Dunaway? The Faye Dunaway.

Of course, it's really rather difficult to imagine the difference that a wig

like this can make.

Perhaps if I just pop it on, it'll give you a better idea.

Oh, no, no, no, please don't. No, no, no, no, no, it's no trouble at all.

Oh, you know, these wigs are wonderfully youth -making.

The years simply drop away.

above that?

Everything's dropped except the ears.

Get back to your counter.

Do you know, that is just what I'm looking for.

Can I try it on?

I beg your pardon.

Well, it's for a party, you see.

I'm going as a girl.

I thought it might liven things up a bit.

Perhaps you'd better look in the mirror and see how lively you look.

I want to look hysterically funny.

Do you think I look hysterically funny?

It's not for me to say.

Of course, it rather depends who's going to be there.

It's a stag party. I see. In that case, I suggest you get a man's opinion.

A good idea.

Oh, excuse me. Can you do something for me?

I think I'm too late.

Menswear. Oh, it's for you, Mr Humphreys. News for the magazine.

City desk. Splash Humphreys speaking.

Oh, you've got some news.

Oh, take this down, Mr Spooner. Yes.

Mr Jacoby of accounts beat Mrs Cook and it took an hour.

Oh, it was table tennis.

Well, I don't think that'll set our readers alight. No.

Thank you.

Another piece of uninteresting news.

The telephone's been going all day. Isn't it about time you did some work? I

can't help it if people keep ringing me up.

Have you written the editorial yet, complaining about the bonus we didn't

No, with all these phone calls, I haven't had time to think.

Oh, it's for the news desk. I'll take that.

Mr Humphreys is too busy to listen to uninteresting bits of idle gossip from

people who have nothing better to do than sit on their backsides all day

nothing. Who is that?

Oh, Mr. Grace.

Do you know who this is, Mr. Grace?

You don't? Good.

I'll get it.

Humphrey's here.

It's him again. Don't say it was me.

Hello, sir.

No, I can't understand that.

No, you must have got through to another department.

Oh, you've got some news.

Good. Take this down, Mr. Spooner.

Yes.

You took her out of the water and had a good look at her bottom.

Where are you speaking from, sir?

I thought perhaps you were in bathroom fittings.

And you want me to take a photograph of the barnacle.

Is there anyone we know?

It's his boat.

He's going to paint it black and white.

Very nice, sir. We'll do a colour supplement.

And you're going to spend 50 ,000.

I'm sure the staff will be delighted to hear that.

Thank you for the news, sir. Goodbye.

Why is he spending all that on a facelift for a boat's bottom? What are

going to do about it, Mr Editor?

Well, it's very controversial.

Mr Rumble said nothing controversial.

Well, Mr Gray seems to be interested in girls and boats.

And how to get the girls into the boats.

That's it. I've got it. What? How to get the bonus for our department.

I shall announce a beauty competition and the winner will get £600.

The sort of girl that works in our store won't go in for a beauty competition.

Well, we'll call it a holiday girl competition.

Well, how will that help us?

Because Miss Brahms, according to all the fellows in the building, is the best

-looking bird in the store. She works for our floor. She's bound to win.

But where are we going to get £600?

We'll get that from Mr. Grace.

Not in a million years.

No, yes, we will. I'll say the second part of the prize is a holiday trip on

boat.

Yes, perhaps it would be as well to keep that piece of information from Miss

Brahms at this stage of the proceedings.

Well, might you think Miss Brahms will share the £600?

Well, if she doesn't, we won't have a competition.

If she agrees to it, it's a hundred quid each.

Where are you going, Mr. Humphries? I'm going to set the presses rolling.

Couldn't you do that after hours?

I could go and interview Miss Hurst from Novelty Candles.

On second thought, you'd better get the presses rolling.

Is everything ready on the floor, Captain Peacock?

Yes, sir. The girls are changing into their holiday girl outfits.

Oh, good. And I've persuaded Mr.

Grace to judge the holiday girl competition. He should be down in a

minutes. Shall I save a seat in the front row for you, sir?

Oh, no, no, I haven't time to attend.

I've got a lot of paperwork to do. I'm sure I can leave it in your capable

hands, Peacock. Oh, which reminds me, is Miss Hurst taking part?

I can't think why the words capable hands should remind you of Miss Hurst.

Here, I've got a couple of quid on the winner, Miss Browns.

How can you be sure she's going to be the winner? Because her idea of an

girl outfit is corset, suspenders and black stockings.

Oh. Oh, that old cliché.

On second thoughts, these papers can wait till tomorrow.

Where's Mr. Grace going to sit? Mr. Grace is going to sit over here,

by his nurse and his secretary.

Oh, won't they be taking part?

Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. They'll be holding him up.

Now, Mr. Spooner, you stand over here with the camera and take the photographs

from my magazine.

The contestants will come on from here.

And they will come round here and stand next to Captain Peacock, who will

interview them. And then you will hand their particulars over to Mr. Grace's

secretary. What questions do you suggest I ask?

Well, it's just like Miss World, really. You ask where they're from, what their

ambitions are, what they want out of life.

Except when you get to Miss Hurst, we all know what she wants out of life.

Where's our winner?

Oh, she's in the changing room with the other girls. Miss Brahms, are you ready?

supposed to be in your holiday girl outfit?

I'm not entering. I've just found out what the second part of the prize is,

there's no way I'm spending a week on his boat.

Well, I'm going to get the 600 quid then. You never thought of that, did

you selfish cow?

Come on, what's five days on a boat with a 90 -year -old man? Listen, five

minutes in the back of his Rolls Royce with him was enough for me. I'm off.

Well, there's only one thing for it.

I shall have to sacrifice myself and represent the department.

That's torn it. It's going to be a walkover for novelty candles.

Whichever way you look at it, some other department's going to get the 600

pounds.

Unless, um... Oh, no!

You were a sensation as Scarlett O 'Hara in our production of Gone With the

Wind. All I... were upon you. That's not surprising. Mr. Rumble was playing

Clark Gable.

Bruno, take him away and get him changed. No, please, no. I can phone the

police. No, please.

I hope you haven't started without me. Oh, no, sir.

People often do.

If you care to take a seat, sir. What special qualities are we looking for?

Corsets, suspenders and black stockings.

what's left of the contestants is ready.

What do you mean, what's left?

Well, when they heard about the boat trip, three of them went home and one's

first aid.

Carry on, Mr. Harbour. Yeah, right.

Well, introducing number one, Miss Bathroom Finn.

What is your name?

Miss Hepburn, and I come from Ilford.

I'm 32, 24, 36.

And, uh... What is your ambition?

To be kind to animals and to help old people.

Well done. Stand over there, would you please?

Next, please.

Contestant number two, Miss Aberdashery.

Yes.

What is your name?

Miss Coleman. I come from Hatfield.

I'm 26, 33,

22, 34.

Hmm? The first with my age. Oh.

My ambition is to travel and help old people.

How very original.

Yes. Would you mind queuing over there, please? Yes.

Next, please.

Contestant number three, Miss Novelty Candles.

And what is your name?

Miss Her...

As if he didn't know.

And what are your measurements?

Of things they've always seen.

And his house measurements are 40, 26, 38.

And she comes from Olympia.

And what is your ambition?

I want to help people.

Old people?

Not necessarily.

Could you join the queue, please?

That's what I usually say to you.

Get over here.

Next, please.

Contestant number four.

Miss Lady Intimate Apparel.

I'm glad I haven't got your nerve in my tooth.

Miss Lady's Imminent Apparel.

Would you like to tell the judges your name and what planet you come from?

Betty Slocum, Lady's Intimate Apparel.

36, 23, 36.

And what is your ambition?

I want to travel and help old people.

On boats.

Nurse, change my glasses. I've gone wide -sighted.

Thank you, Miss Intimate Apparel.

Introduction number five, Miss Do -It -Yourself.

Number five comes from Bristol City.

What is your ambition?

To get out of this costume. It's choking me.

Mr. Grace, we haven't finished yet.

Oh, yes, we have.

She's the winner. Give her the money and get her on deck by 5 .30.

What's going on? He hasn't even looked at me.

All you have to do is look in the envelope.

What's in there?

Key to your cabin.

No!