Original subtitles

There we are, sir.

One receipt, one handkerchief.

Will you be blowing your nose on it now, or shall we wrap it up?

I'll wait.

Mr Spooner, you're late.

You're right.

It's a good job Captain Peacock isn't here, otherwise you'd get the sharp end

his tongue, which isn't a pleasant experience.

Really? I had a very good excuse made up. I was going to tell him the alarm

clock didn't go off, the ticket collectors were going slow, and there

power cut on the underground.

He'd never swallow that.

Well, I'd have done it better, wouldn't I? You'd better get yourself sorted out

before he gets here. Right.

I'm not sure that this colour cardigan is really me.

Oh, but it is. Madam, you see, everybody has the colour what goes with their

aura. Some people have an aura what is pink and others have an aura what is

blue. And when I saw Madam, I said to myself, Madam has an aura what is purple

with white stripes.

Yes, it's quite nice.

And what's more, it's genuine simulated malware.

That goes all flat when you wash it. Ah, but to counteract that, it comes with

its very own little plastic rake to bring up the pile.

And what is more, it's been reduced to £7 .99 from 45 quid.

I'll take it.

Cut your account.

I can't.

Miss Brown, you don't push things enough.

What are you talking about? We've had that car de -hanging around since 1976.

We'll try to push some accessories onto her.

Before I make Madame fill out, would Madame like any accessories to go with

like a nice pair of knickers?

No, thank you. I don't see myself pulling a plastic rake over mohair

She don't want nothing.

Morning,

young sir.

Morning. Here we are.

Lovely weather again.

Nice to meet you. John, how do work musicians, sir? Old soldier. Old

No, not today.

Well, crippled, you know.

Oh,

crippled? I thought you might spare a cup or two for a cup of tea.

Well, it's Thursday, you see. We've no money. We've not been paid yet.

Well, I take American Express.

Here's 10p.

Push off.

That is good of you, sir. I thought as soon as I saw your face, I said, you're

one in a million, sir. So I've been told.

How did he get in? I don't know, but he wouldn't have got in if Captain

Peacock had been here. I can't think where he is. Of all the years I've spent

behind this counter, I've never known him be late.

Is Captain Peacock still not here?

He hasn't even phoned in on the telephone.

Well.

Strictly entre nous.

I was talking to Mrs Hopkirk in personnel, and she's a very close friend

Peacock family.

They share the same milkman.

According to her, their marriage is a bit... like that.

See?

Rumour has it they haven't been getting it together for some time.

Well, it can't be easy if it's like that.

Apparently, the rot set in at the Christmas party.

It often does.

Do you remember Captain Peacock spilled lemonge all down Miss Pickthorn's

cleavage? I thought that was semolina pudding.

No, no, that was Mr Harrogate and Miss Fawcett.

And that was the year before.

How time flies.

Anyway, the question is, who got it out?

What party was that?

But when they got home, Mrs Peacock confronted him with it and accused him

retrieving it from her cleavage.

And when he denied it, she pulled the handkerchief out of his top pocket and

bits of Le Mange went all over the carpet.

Relations have been very strained ever since. I don't think it did the carpet

very much good either.

I don't mind saying this to you, Mr Humphreys, but men can be beasts.

Why don't you mind saying it to me?

Anyway, he's paying for all his dilly -tanting now because she's threatened to

chuck him out.

And the house is in her name.

And to complicate matters further, there's another man involved.

I didn't know Captain Peacock was like that.

No, Mrs Peacock.

Apparently she said if it was all right for him to do it, it was all right for

her to do it.

So whose front she chucking Blamonge down?

Don't let him see us talking.

Good morning, Captain Peacock.

Good morning. I'm sorry to be late.

My alarm clock failed to go off. There was a ticket collector's ghost, though,

followed by a power failure on the other door.

That's funny. A very similar thing nearly happened to me.

Really? What a coincidence.

Oh, just look at him. His shirt hasn't been ironed.

And he doesn't look as though he slept.

Mind you, it's his own fault.

Mr Spooner.

Just take this suitcase away and put it somewhere, would you? I'm staying the

night with friends.

Yes, Captain Peacock.

Had some trouble at home, Captain Peacock? No, no, no, no, no.

One just gets bored with staying in the same house, and one thinks to oneself,

well, it would be nice to stay with one's friends for a change. One thought

might have one's plumber fixing one's pipes.

Yes, that would have been a good reason, too.

I suggest you both go and tidy our display on the centre stand.

With pleasure, Captain Peacock. With pleasure.

Ah, hello, Matthew.

You'll never guess who this is.

It's your old friend, Stephen.

Stephen Peacock.

From the Bridge Club.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, about six foot one in the start.

Slightly greying at the temples.

Yeah, that's right, that's me.

Now, as I recall, the last time we met, you did say I was to come and stay

sometime.

Yes, you did.

How would tonight suit you?

Oh, I see.

I thought Berry Berry had been practically stamped out in this country.

Some other time, though.

Yes. What?

Oh, I see.

Well, you must let me know where you're moving to in Cornwall.

Have we finished yet, Captain Peacock?

No. Put the models round the other way.

Oh, hello, Philip.

Yes, it's Stephen here.

Stephen Peacock.

We met a couple of years ago at Torremolinos. We had adjoining rooms and

the balcony. Yes.

What's that?

About six foot one, moustache, young fifty, drag of the... What?

Operator, you've cut me off.

What? Oh, did he?

No, I prefer them round the other way, I think.

I wish he'd hurry up and find somewhere. My knees are killing me.

Hello, Auntie Hilda.

It's your nephew, Stephen.

You remember little Stephen.

What?

About four foot one, a yellow school captain.

Do you know he's been on the phone all morning trying to find somebody to put

him up? He's still trying in the public call box. Mind you, he has sinned. What

are you talking about?

All he did was put his hands down a pair of bristles to get at the Blamonge.

I can understand all the fuss if he'd given her one.

If Captain Peacock was here, he'd make you sit at another table for talking

that in front of a lady.

Two ladies?

been pushing his luck a bit. I mean, it's not the first time he's done it.

fish for the Blamondes? No, I took it a nookie.

Miss Blondes! What a dreadful expression.

But what do you call it, then?

Committing misconduct.

If it wasn't called anything else, nobody would do it.

Morning, all.

You heard the latest gossip. Mr Harmon, we're not in the habit of exchanging

gossip with...

personnel from the packing department.

It's all right with me if you don't want any of the latest in the Peacock saga.

Do you take sugar in your coffee, Mr Harmon?

Yeah, you'll never guess who is the mysterious Mr X, what Mrs Peacock's

with. Is taken up with the same as misconduct?

No, you're confusing it with having it up.

Now, shut up. Mr Harmon's talking.

Yeah, go on, who is it?

I'll give you a clue.

Peacock and Rumbold?

Mind you, they did dance cheek to cheek in the last waltz at the Christmas

party. And the oaky -coaky.

I'll tell you something else. You know Rumbold's looking for a new secretary?

Yes. Well, you know Mrs Peacock can type?

Yes. She started in his office today.

The humiliation of it! And right under his very nose! This is obviously why he

left home.

Mind you, what sauce for the goose is sauce? for the Gandalf.

Or in this case, Blamonge.

You know, I don't know why you join in our conversation.

So, Peacock's coming.

Ah, I'm sorry to be late joining you. The lines to the Isle of Mull were busy.

Mr. Holmes.

Yes, Captain Peacock. It is not customary in Grace Brothers for the

department to sit with the sales staff, particularly in my seat.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Captain Peacock. I was just keeping it warm for you.

And if you should catch a fatal germ, just send a bill to me.

Well, now, what are we all talking about this morning, eh? Oh, this, that and

the other.

Mostly the other.

We were talking about the price of food, how it's gone up.

Meat, fish, eggs, butter.

Fetch, bread, everything's gone up. You know, I can't think of one thing that's

gone down.

Le Mange.

Ah, I'm glad I've caught you all together.

As you know, I've been advertising for a secretary for some time. To my

amazement, one of the applicants turned out to be none other than Mrs Peacock.

Of course, you all know Mrs Peacock from the Christmas parties.

Mrs Flocombe, Miss Brahms, Young Spooner, Mr Grossman.

Of course, you know Captain Peacock, don't you?

I used to.

Yes, well, we're just going through to the executive dining room for a coffee.

Carry on, everybody.

Goodness gracious, I have just remembered. I have some new ties coming

must go and put the prices on them. No, don't give your hand. Yes, we'd like to

be going too, Mr. Radcliffe.

We can't leave him alone.

Well, it was you that was going on about the sauce and all those geese.

Well, yes, but she behaved very badly just then. I mean, whatever's going on

the background, she shouldn't have humiliated him like that.

Oh, I've just remembered.

I haven't finished my coffee.

And I've got a drop in my sauce, sir.

Well, thank you for coming back.

And since you are the senior members of my staff, I feel I should give you some

explanation of the recent happenings in my private life.

No, no, no, Captain Peacock, no, if it's a personal matter, no, no, no, you

don't have to tell us. I mean, you don't want us to pry.

On the other hand, if you have got some dirty washing, well, it's not a bad idea

to take it to a private laundry.

Thank you.

Well, you will know, of course, that there's been a misunderstanding between

wife and myself.

It all started at the Christmas party.

Ah, I think what Captain Peacock's referring to is the, uh... When the

went... And he got his, uh... She found it on his hanky.

Now, the blamons on my handkerchief did not come from Miss Pickthorn's cleavage.

Where did it come from?

Miss Hurst of Novelty Candles, in a playful mood, tipped half a plateful

the inside of my trousers.

get Miss Pickthorn to make a clean breast of it?

Not in the circumstances.

My marital relationship has been rather strained for some time and my wife

regarded this harmless incident as the last straw.

She appears to have turned elsewhere for solace.

But surely you can't think there's anything going on between Mrs Peacock

Rumbold. Well, who knows?

I mean, women have always been attracted to power and he does run the

department. Rumbold's a married man.

Well, so's Captain Peacock.

I suppose I'm paying the penalty for being, as it were, Jack the Lad.

You know, I never thought of you as Jack the Lad.

It's the uncertainty I can't stand.

I mean, is she going through this bizarre charade just to make me jealous?

Or is she really attracted to that bald -headed, jug -eared twit?

Let's face it, he's about as romantic as Donald...

I don't want to worry you, Captain Peacock, but Donald's just ordered a

of bubbly and two glasses.

It's only 11 o 'clock in the morning.

I expect he's hoping to get her going by lunchtime.

Ah,

Mr. Grace said he would grant me a moment of his time on a rather urgent

personal matter.

Ah, just one moment, please.

Mr. Grace?

You said you'd see Captain Peacock.

Oh, damn.

Yes, Peacock, what is it?

It's my wife, sir.

She's working in my department as secretary to Mr Rumble.

Owing to rather strained marital relations, I find this arrangement

distressing, and I wondered if she could be transferred to another position.

Oh, yes.

I remember her from the last Christmas party.

She's a lively little thing. She can come and work for me.

I'll speak to Rumble.

Nurse!

this thing off me.

I need a new secretary.

This one's going off on a course.

She's a bit out of practice.

On reflection, sir, I think it will be as well if my wife stayed where she is.

Do you fancy another ten minutes on Regulo 10?

All right. Oh, quick, before I go off the boil.

his face as we walked through the canteen. He was furious.

I think we've probably gone about far enough, don't you? I'm sure he's

absolutely worried sick.

Oh, Mr. Rumbold, I do appreciate what you're doing for me, but if we could

it going just a bit longer.

I think I'd better take this bottle back to the wine department or they'll

charge me.

I'll be back in a couple of minutes.

I think you ought to go straight into Rumbold's office and confront them. In

old days, I would have stormed in, slapped his face with a glove and

him to a duel.

What size are you?

Those are the old days. People don't do that sort of thing now.

No, don't they? Only a few weeks ago somebody slapped my face with a glove.

they'd meet me in the park at dawn.

Naturally, I didn't go.

Too big for you, was he?

What makes you think he was a man?

Come along, Captain Peacock.

Face up to reality.

Go and see him.

Very well.

I will.

Poor Captain Peacock.

There is a saying.

that when love is strong, a man and a woman can make their bed on the blade of

sword. But when love is weak, a bed of 60 cubits is not wide enough.

Apart from that, the bedding department don't stock them.

I don't know where he's going to sleep tonight, Mother.

Chances are he'll crawl back with his tail between his legs.

Well, I'll keep you posted.

Bye, Mother.

Captain Peacock to see Mr. Rumble.

You can't come in. We're busy.

I see.

You've got to get some proper evidence.

We think it's awful, you not knowing one way or the other.

It's very kind of you to be so concerned for me.

Now, I've got this friend of mine in the radio department who's an absolute

wizard at eavesdropping with electronic bugs.

He's given me this pen.

Now, the clip is the aerial. The top is the microphone.

And you can transmit up to 200 yards.

You pick it all up on this little receiver here.

Now then. All we've got to do is to get this pen into Rumble's office. You can

listen in, find out what's going on, and you'll know one way or the other.

You seem to know a lot about these things, Mr. Hamptons.

Yes, well, my mother had one of these planted on me. She wanted to find out

was going on and know one way or the other.

The point is, how are we going to get this on Rumble's desk?

Well, that's quite simple.

When you take something in for him to sign, he invariably pinches a pen.

Four -eyed, two -faced, thieving git that he is.

Ah, I see. Easy, then. You just take something for him to say.

No, that I could not do.

One of us could do it. I could take it in. I'll be very discreet.

I'll look to the keyhole and see if they're having a snow over the short

If they are, I'll come back and tell you lot. We can all have a look.

I'm not allowed into the office of management without an appointment.

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock. For a minute, I thought I was a normal human

Keep forgetting how lonely I am.

You take it, Mr. Humphreys. If I saw her in there ogling him, I might not be

able to hold my tongue.

Yours faithfully, Cuthbert Rumbold.

Who is it?

Mr Humphrey. Enter.

The door's open.

Of course it is. I wonder if you'd be kind enough, Mr Rumbold, to sign this

staff purchase.

Oh, yes, yes.

Thank you.

Sorry if I interrupted anything.

You didn't.

behaving rather strangely.

It's very hard to tell.

Enter.

Could you try it with these sausages, please?

Thank you.

This roll of cloth's got damaged by water. Can the cleaning department have

for dusters?

Oh, yes, yes, certainly.

Oh,

damn, this is Mr Humphrey's pen.

Would you mind giving it back to him, Mr Harmon? The next time I'm on the floor,

sir.

He took it, just like you said.

Now, we must get to the receiver.

What have you got there, Warwick?

It's old Maxwell.

He's retired from delivering.

He'll be along in a few minutes, so as us and the lads can give him a bit of a

send -off.

Switch on.

Captain Pickup. Now, if you climb out of the fitting room window, crawl along

the ledge to Rumble's window, you can take the snap and there's your evidence.

Let's face it, there must be something going on, else why should they lock the

door? There is no real danger. The ledge is two foot wide.

No, just the psychological fear of falling 40 foot onto solid concrete.

He's going to have a rope round his waist.

Right. Come on before I change my mind.

all letters and we are finished.

Do you mind if I go and powder my nose?

No, no, of course not. You carry on.

It's a long way down.

You've got a rope tied round you.

Is the other end tied to something substantial?

No, I've tied it round Mrs. Slocum.

Oh, I can't do it. Oh, for heaven's sake.

Give me the camera.

Honestly, you're weak as water.

the door, I can't get by.

I need more rope.

You had all there is.

Untie yourself.

Go boil your head.

If you get out on the ledge, you can give her a bit more. Let's go, she's

scared. Hold on, I'm coming out.

I've got it.

Don't drop it.

It's all blank.

Well, it hasn't developed yet. Let me in.

Oh, the catch has broken off. Get a hammer.

I think I'll note it with my penknife. Well done, Schmooder. For heaven's sake,

Ariel, I think I'm going to faint.

In that case, I'm going to untie this rope.

It's coming.

Well done, Schmooder.

Oh, I've broken the blade off my knife. It's really jammed now. You idiot. What

are you going to do?

Don't worry. The sports department have got a special offer of climbing boots

and ice picks.

Along those windows. We can't do that. You'll see what we've been up to.

If you don't get in here quick, it'll be out in the inquest anyway.

There's a window along on the right.

Oh, what a good idea. Go on, Captain Peter.

I'm not budging. Oh, well, hang on to your gargoyles then, because I'm coming

for you.

If you were a gentleman, you'd let the lady go on the inside.

Well, if you weren't so fat, you could.

Hang on to this.

But it's just him. She's not there.

And they caught in a storm.

Come on, Captain Peacock!

Not just now, thank you. I think I've got a tiny touch of vertigo.

Ah, you're back.

There's a little noise going on out there. Would you look and see what it

Yes, of course.

Oh, my God!

Stephen, you're not going to jump, are you?

You've succeeded beyond your wildest dreams.

Peacock, there was never anything between us. It was just a masquerade to

and save your marriage.

Oh, Stephen, I couldn't live without you.

If this gargoyle gives way, you may have to.

Mrs. Peacock, about the blancmange, there's a perfectly innocent

but I don't think this is the time...

Mrs. Peacock loves Captain Peacock, and Captain Peacock, alias Jack the Lad,

loves Mrs. Peacock. Although he's got a very strange way of showing it.

And Mr. Rumble, it appears, was just masquerading. And I know from long

experience that only leads to trouble. And the maintenance men who have the

wherewithal to open the lock window have just come out the pub. Oh, isn't that

wonderful, Captain Peacock?

All's well that ends well.

Mrs. Logan, since the maintenance men have just got only 47 bucks...