Original subtitles

Ground floor, perfumery, stationery and leather goods. Wigs and haberdashery.

Kitchenware and food.

Ah!

Oi!

Here. A good half a dozen pairs of willies here. Where do you want them?

We're going to leave them until Mr. Grossman arrives. Let him decide.

Good morning, Captain Peacock. Good morning, ladies.

Oh, it's pouring with rain.

I've ruined my shoe.

Well, you won't have far to go to buy a new pair.

Mr. Grace has decreed that a section of the shoe department shall be phased in

on our floor.

I hope Mr. Grace realises that we're losing our most important point of

The sales will drop.

Yeah, we was going to have an exhibition of honeymoon nighties this week. Want

me, Mrs. Slocum?

From what I can remember of my honeymoon, that shouldn't take up much

Good morning, Mrs. Slocum. Good morning, Miss Browns. Good morning.

Look at these.

Aren't they beautiful?

If you saw the price they're asking at Larry and Willett's, you wouldn't dare

try them on.

Feel the leather.

A snip at 45 pounds.

To you, 12 pounds 50.

How do I do it, you ask?

There are seconds.

Captain Peacock, I hope Mr. Grossman isn't going to be selling ladies' shoes.

Mrs. Slocum, I've been selling ladies' shoes all my life.

You wouldn't sell a pair to me.

No lady would allow a strange man to be in a position where he can have a peek

-a -boo when she's trying something on.

If you're upset, please, you sell the ladies' shoes.

I'm not sure that I approve of that. Does Mrs.

Slocum know how to sell shoes?

Captain Peacock, when one is a salesperson, one can sell anything.

Well, in that case, Mrs. Slocum, you won't mind demonstrating on Miss Brahms.

Mr. Harmon, the chair.

Miss Brahms.

Carry on, Mrs. Slocum.

Right.

Ah, good morning, madam. Are you being served?

I'd like a pair of shoes, please.

Oh, and has Madam seen anything that caught her eye?

Well... The lady would like a pair of shoes not too high and not too low, in a

colour that will go with anything, that will look smart in the evening, and that

she can also wear in daytime.

I see.

And what size?

Italian 36.

The lady does not know what it is in English.

Would Madam kindly remove her shoe, or would you like your grandfather to do it

for you?

Well, I didn't realize we had one.

What does that feel?

underwear. The way you was walking, I thought you had.

Before you say

anything, I've got to use this because my mother's got me a raincoat to queue

for a disability pension.

I borrowed it from a very nice girl, Punk Rocker, who lives next door.

It was her bridal gown.

Don't tell me she got married in that.

Married? She lived in it for a week with the groom before they found somewhere

to squat.

Do you know Mr. Grossman? Oh, yes.

How do you do?

He will also be assisting on your counter.

Perhaps you'll be good enough to show him the ropes. Of course, Sir Captain

Peacock, Mr. Grossman. Would you mind taking a corner each?

If you insist, Mr. Humphreys. Thank you. Going down?

Would you be going home in that? I think not, not after my experience on the

tube. I fell asleep and somebody reported me as a dangerous parcel.

I woke up at Queensway to find a sergeant major in the Royal Engineers

take my fuse out.

May I have your attention, please? Ladies, please.

Now, I want you to welcome your new assistant to this department, Mr

I'm sure you're all aware that Mr Spooner has already served time in the

department, bedding and sports.

Now, you'll be under Mr Humphreys, who's under Mr Grossman, who's under Captain

Peacock. I see. Like the bottom bun on a triple hamburger.

Preferably without the sauce.

What is

that, Mr. Harmon?

This is a point -of -sale display for the winter wonder, Weatherworthy

You know about this, Mr. Grossman? Let me explain.

Here, we have a bit of simulated British countryside.

High heat, mud.

we have to well it, which is guaranteed unconditionally for five years against

seepage and leakage.

On the approach of a customer, all you do is switch on and it is guaranteed to

attract attention.

Thus.

Captain Peacock, I hope you don't expect me to stand in...

come detached.

It's probably the cleaners. Give me a hand to move it up, will you?

Here. What do you think you're doing? I would have thought it was obvious to the

meanest intelligence that I'm moving this table to the side of that table.

A position which, to my knowledge, it has occupied for the past 15 years.

Put it back.

I beg your pardon? You've got cloth ears.

Madam, I do not like the tone of your voice.

I don't like the colour of your moustache. but I'm learning to live with

it back.

I shouldn't do no such thing.

All right, I will.

Mr Spooner, put it back.

Is that an order, Captain Peacock? It is.

Please note, I'm obeying orders. For this reason, I hope you will not be

your fingers in my plum dust.

I'm only going to do this one more time.

I'm very glad to hear it.

Count to two.

One, two.

God,

I found you all together.

GLC Fire Department came round yesterday and they've instructed us that there

has to be a uniform fire passage between all the tables so as to gain free

access to the fire exit.

Therefore, your table has to be divided.

Peacock, could you move your table a couple of feet in this direction?

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

If you'd just told us that in the first place, like any other sensible

chimpanzee, we wouldn't have had all this fun.

You really put my back up. Oh, yeah? Who put your front up?

That's enough out of you. I'm under a great...

Fine cooking for you lot. You'd be under a lot more strain if you had to eat it.

Good for you, Miss Brahms. There you are, Captain Peacock. Thank you.

Just a minute.

Where am I going to sit?

You'd better sit over there.

I don't want to sit alone at that table like one what's been ostrich -sized.

Mrs. Slocum.

Please take my seat.

Oh, thank you so much.

Nowadays, one so rarely finds that old Continental charm.

Except for my old Continentals.

Mr. Grossman, we can't have a senior member of staff sitting over there all

himself. Come and sit over here with us. I'll get you a chair.

our fish and chips, it must be obvious what your next move is to be.

Certainly is, Captain Peacock.

Luna, that is not your next move.

That is your next move.

Here, have I been blackballed? Well, you must have been thrown out the paint

department for some...

No further question.

Mr Humphreys, if you sit on the floor there all alone, people will start

talking. Why don't you sit over there? As long as I'm sitting here, I know what

they're talking about.

Oh, come over here, Mr Humphreys. We can hop shop.

We can always find room for a little one.

Mrs. Slocum, you do have a way with words.

Oh!

Ow!

Something's sticking in me.

Are you all right?

Oh, it's a demand from the taxman, but he's not getting it.

How much money does he want?

He doesn't want any money. It's just a demand, and he's not getting it.

Has anybody seen my paper?

You're sitting on it, Mr. Grossman.

Oh, yes.

As long as I know where it is.

If you was in China, you could read it like that.

What do you mean?

Well, there was this article in this magazine where they are training people

China and Russia to read books by putting them under their arms.

And there was a picture of someone reading by putting their elbows on the

Yes, I read that article. It seems that with training, people could read with

any part of their body.

Mrs. Thornton would be good at that.

She can open the Times, sit on it, and read two pages at once.

Any more of your lip and I'll have your bum from the canteen.

Here, has anyone got an hammer? I can't get this fork in me liver.

I don't think we should take too much time over lunch. A young Mr. Grace wants

to introduce us to his brother, old Mr. Grace.

Is it true that young Mr. Grace is retiring?

No, no, no, no. He's not retiring.

I believe he's been writing a book on ornithology.

He's completed his research into mating and migration, and now he wants to spend

more time on the nest.

I think, what is it in his brother?

Not in the flesh, but a Rolls -Royce ambulance with black windows drew up

before lunch.

And did Mr. Grace get out of the back?

No, he was driving it. Six dancing girls got out of the back.

I can hardly feel anything there.

I can hardly feel anything anywhere.

Excuse me knocking, Mr Grace, but you don't hear me when I do, so I didn't

it was worth the time and effort if I did try.

What was that?

Nothing.

There's an elderly gentleman outside what said he wants to see you.

This devil be my brother.

Hello, Henry.

I'm not Henry, you're Henry.

Oh, yes.

Is that where I'm going to sit, I suppose?

Yes, that's right. Where does my secretary sit?

On your knee, you fool.

This is your secretary, sir.

One owner since new, completely run -in, very sporty, capable of high speeds if

you put your foot down and she's all yours.

And this young lady is your nurse. There's her bell on the desk, and when

give her the signal, she comes running.

And the day she gives the signal, we all come running.

Oh, it's the door.

Excuse me, sir. The staff from the clothing department.

Send them in. Please come in.

You do the honours, Rambo.

This is Captain Peacock. Good afternoon, sir. I've heard all about you from my

brother.

This is Mr. Grossman. Good afternoon, sir. I've heard all about you from my

brother. This is Mr. Humphreys. Hello. I've heard all about you from my

but I didn't understand a word of it.

This is Mrs. Slocum.

She's made a big mark in the ladies.

Well, don't do it again.

This is Miss Bronson.

a sunny, friendly personality who shows a great deal of promise. Yes, but he's

never been fulfilled.

This is Spooner. Who has a sarcastic personality and shows no promise

Well, that's about it, sir.

Mr. Grace.

Mr. Grace, you dropped off, sir. Eh?

Dropped off.

Off? What dropped?

Your brother has now met all the staff, sir.

In that case, I could go.

Make way for Mr. Grace. Hold the door open. Don't get in his way. Give him

plenty of air. Come on up. All right, all right. Don't make so much fuss.

I'm not the Emperor of China.

Well, you've all done very well.

There's the pajamas, madam.

And if your husband doesn't get complete satisfaction, don't hesitate to bring

them back.

Where was I?

Oh, you had a funny shakey feeling, so you went to see the doctor. Oh, yes.

Well, after a very rigorous examination, he looked at me and he said, I can't

find anything wrong with you.

Which surprised me. So I asked for a second opinion.

Did you get one? From the window cleaner, but we closed the curtains and

him.

So anyway, he sent me to see this psychiatrist, you see, in the same

Well, as soon as I went through the door, he said, lie on the couch and tell

the first thing that comes into your mind.

I said, do you mind closing those curtains? I'm sick of the sight of that

cleaner.

Did he find out what your problem was?

Not exactly, but we've tracked down his. We're having dinner tonight to discuss

it.

Just feel my hand. It's gone all clammy.

No, I'll take your word for it.

I think I shall have to sit down. Mr Spooner, do you mind helping me to that

chair?

Oh, get me a pair of Y -fronts.

What size?

Any size.

Oh, thank you.

Mr. Spooner, why is Mr.

Humphrey sitting down and fanning himself with a couple of Y -fronts? He's

over peculiar.

I heard about this.

I didn't realize this is the form he took.

He's fainted. Get a doctor.

Oh, Mr. Brown, I'm on the phone.

How are you feeling now, Mr Humphreys? I feel perfectly all right, but I've got

a funny lump coming up on me.

Well, Mr Humphreys has to stay here until the doctors completed the blood

Will it take long?

They took a lot of blood.

Well, I have to go home now, but I've given Mr Harman instructions to let the

doctor in when he arrives.

If you're feeling groggy, I suggest you take a taxi. Thank you. At your own

expense, of course.

I can't find his pulse.

Allow me.

Yes, that seems all right. His wrist's a bit limp, but his heart's still going.

Oh, his forehead's very warm.

His nose is cold.

His hair's a bit lifeless. It's a sign of poor health.

He's probably got distemper.

Better get your Bob Martens.

Come in.

I won't come in any farther, sir.

The doctor's here. He's got the result of the blood test.

Is he looking hopeful?

It's hard to tell.

No.

Don't feel the arms. Just a few elementary precautions.

What's the matter with him? Well, the patient has contracted a rather rare

malady known as Marine's disease.

Marine's disease?

Is it catching?

Well, it's never been known to be fatal, but it does have some rather nasty side

effects if you don't get to grips with it quickly.

Well, let's have a look at you.

Ah! Do you always have that bump on your nose?

Of course not.

Oh, well, that's one of the first symptoms of the first stage.

Have you been sneezing a lot?

No. Ah, well, then you've got the sneezing to come. That's the second

Now, the trouble is that anybody who's been in contact with the patient will

have to be isolated.

For we've all been in contact with him.

Ah, well, then, in that case, we'll have to seal off the whole department and

you'll all have to be isolated until the medical officer of health gives you the

all -clear.

But it's seven o 'clock tonight. My pussy's expecting to see a friend with

How long are we to be isolated?

About seven days.

Just how do you get this marine disease?

I knew somebody had asked that question sooner or later.

What's that got to do with marines? In fact, it comes from small shellfish.

Should have kept my hands off those winkles last night.

What are you doing, Mr Harmon?

As per doctor's orders, seeing as how they couldn't go to hospital, I've just

decontaminated the lift so they can be taken to their quarters where they can

all be isolated.

I think they were quite relieved when they heard they weren't going to

They won't be so relieved when they hear where they're going.

What have they got to do?

Well, they're burning their clothes in the incinerator and putting on their

antiseptic disposable sleepwear.

Oh.

Somehow I saw a sight like that. The keeper was feeding them with a bucket of

fish at a penguin pond.

Where are we going?

Well, Mr Grace did consider sending you to the boardroom.

Oh, that sounds quite nice.

Yeah, but he couldn't find the key to the drinks cabinet.

Oh, he needn't have bothered to open that for us.

He wanted a locket.

So, where are we going? The bedding store.

Oh, well, at least there'll be plenty of decent beds.

Right, follow me.

be our quarters through here.

Oh, no. That's the loo.

Where are we supposed to be going, Mr. Harman? He's closing the door!

Harman!

Harman, open that door at once, Harman.

The doctor's orders, you've got to be isolated, and an isolated you is.

We can't stay in here.

Night's out. Ten o 'clock, I'll be round in the morning with a cuppa.

But where are the beds?

I sit over there.

A tin -side waterbed.

Returned by an Arab's cheek because it was too big a strain on his oasis.

What about our dinner?

Oh, yeah. I'll shove it through this little hole. It'll be narrow, but

nourishing.

Well,

what I say is, if we're going to have to stay here, we might as well make the

best of it. Cheers.

If we remain here for a week... I'm determined I'm not going to get it.

drink to that, Mr Grace.

Excuse me, Mr Grace. How were they getting on down in the basement?

Oh, they was hammering on the door for about an hour, then I gave them all

chicken curry and prunes.

I see. Is it all quiet down there now?

As quiet as can be expected under the circumstances.

It is a callous act and a gross violation of our freedom, but we are

the night.

But where are we going to sleep?

Well, speaking for myself, and I am unanimous in this, Miss Brahms and me

not spending the night and sharing a bed with four men.

Yeah, especially when one of them's in.

Mrs. Sloan, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the sight of you in

that... doesn't exactly send the blood surging like fire through my veins.

You could, of course, take the floor, Mrs. Logan. On the other hand, if we

to share, then I bagged the outside, and you'll be next to me, Mr. Oakfield.

Mr.

Oakfield!

Now, sister, would you mind holding my hand?

That's better.

We're going to have to stay very still in the night.

I usually do.

Come on, Miss Brahms, you get in next to me.

Come on, everybody.

All the rest of you get in. That's right.

You on the end.

Excuse me, Miss Brahms. Come along, Mr...

Over here.

Down there.

Hold on.

Hold on to the back.

Hold on to the back. All right. Hang on. Hang on. Now this.

Now this.

Everybody, everybody ease down very slowly into the bed.

Slowly. Very careful.

Mrs.

Slocum.

Where's your foot?

I've rather lost track of them, Miss Rutherford.

Try wiggling your right big toe.

Your left one.

You'll have to move it, Mrs. Slocum.

Are you all right, Mrs. Slocum?

Not very, Captain Pitchcock.

You're a bad sailor.

Well, put it like this.

Even when I'm watching...

Triangle, I have to take seasick

pills.

Don't they all?

Hang on, I think it's going down.

Now then, now then, everybody, everybody, lie quite still.

And breathe very slowly.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Walks for the leading by two legs. I can't go to sleep with the light

on. Well, you'll have to. Because Mike Curry won't stand one more wave.

I've got another problem. I can feel phase two coming on.

Not the sneezes. I'm afraid so.

Funny you say that.

Thank you.