Original subtitles

I'm afraid the cleaners are still on strike.

I thought your people were coming in early to get the base cleared up. Oh,

they're here already, sir. They're changing into suitable attire.

Ah, good morning, Mr.

Humboldt. Well done, Mr. Goldberg.

That's the spirit.

It's too bad, you know.

They've nicked the vacuum cleaner.

Well, just do the treads of the stairs. You can do the main carpet during the

coffee break.

And what are you going to do? Same as always. Tell us what to do.

I shall take care of my own area.

in another direction.

Mrs. Slocum, I'm a married man. I've seen it all before.

Not at this time in the morning.

Not from that angle.

And not this one.

Take off that ridiculous scarf.

But Captain Peacock... Don't argue with me. Take it off. As you wish.

first thing this morning and my hairdryer blew a fuse.

If Mr. Rumble sees that, he too will very likely blow a fuse.

Mr. Humphries, you're supposed to be cleaning the store, not doing an excerpt

from Swan Lake.

Oh, really, Mrs. Slocum, you shouldn't. It's only me.

You're late, Mr. Lucas. Ah, yes. Well, I had trouble getting through the

cleaners' picket line.

They were exercising their democratic rights to explain their just grievances.

said I was sympathetic, but I needed a lolly. So what happened?

The leader of the picket line took out her lipstick and sent you all this

message.

The rest of the girls said they were going to sign on the bottom, so I ran

hell.

Mr. Rumble will be down in a second. Now, cover that up.

Well done, everybody.

You're all working very hard.

Whose idea was that?

Mr Humphreys.

He did it. On Captain Peacock's order.

We have a serious situation in our hands. We have no time to fool around

schoolboys. Right, OK then, Warwick. Open your left hand down. Your left

Come on, Warwick. Let's see. Don't make that noise.

Right, now, level it up, Warwick. Go on, there. There we are. How about that,

then? Well, I'm glad to see that the maintenance department are not on

They are. We came out this morning.

What are you doing here, then? We renegotiated ourselves as outside

at double pay.

Wish we could do something about our money.

You want to get a powerful shop still behind you, show you how to flex your

industrial muscles.

We can all live in a dream world.

This,

sir, is a point -of -display model for the bitey briefs, for cycling shorts

the magic long -life gusset, guaranteed for 100 ,000 grueling miles.

and pay attention.

This is the bikey briefs model.

You've probably heard that the latest sales theory has it that a moving

attracts the eye more than a static one.

Does she have to have big legs?

To do 100 ,000 miles, you need big legs.

Right, is everybody ready?

Yes, sir. Switch arms, sir. Well, you will note that the saddle is made of

sandpaper. Now, this is to demonstrate that the briefs will stand up to the

roughest of well.

I might almost point out, that one day on this machine is the equivalent of

going from here to Afghanistan.

Oh, look, it's got a fifth gear.

I wanted to get you all together to let you know that the strike has been

settled. Did all parties go to the conciliation department?

No, no, that was our intention.

Unfortunately, they too were on strike for better pay for arbitrators.

However, young Mr. Grace did come up with a compromise solution.

He paid up.

The net result of all this is that they are all back at work. But the whole

dispute has caused a lot of bad blood due to the fact that you crossed the

picket lines.

We didn't cross anything.

We're fed up with stoppages everywhere. All we did was come to work and get on

with the job.

Yes. I didn't fight in the desert to support endless strikes.

I bet those Germans are glad they lost. They'd be bankrupt by now.

The fact remains that young Mr. Grace would like to do something to restore

happy family atmosphere that Grace Brothers has always enjoyed.

And how does he propose to do that, sir? Well, we think it would be a good idea

if there were to be a children's party for the offspring of members of the

staff. And how is that going to benefit us?

That's the ingenious part, you see. Young Mr. Grace feels that you were the

that broke the picket line. You should give the party.

I don't want to speak out of turn.

But wouldn't it be better if catering did it?

Ah, they'll do the food.

The food, of course, yes. Actually, but Mr. Graves is aware that certain members

of my department are extremely versatile.

Did he mention any name?

Consequently, he feels that you should take on the task of actually amusing the

children. Oh, you know, the sort of thing, ring of roses, oranges and

pin the tail on the donkey.

Yeah, or pin the ears on the monkey.

All those sorts of things.

I know that if you all sit down and put your heads together, you'll come up with

an absolutely first -class afternoon of frolic and entertainment.

But surely the strike's over.

They've got the money. There can't be all that much bad blood.

Did you order six teas for a departmental meeting?

Thank you, Ivy.

Please yourself.

Excuse me. I suppose it's the wrong time to tell you I can't get the sauce out

of the bottle.

Anything else?

Not for a couple of years.

He's going to have to be out of a good kids' party to sort this lot out.

Well, if she's going to be there, how about a game of blind man's buff on

head?

I haven't been to a children's party since I was about five.

Was that to celebrate your birthday or the relief of Maffer King?

We're all in this together. Now, please, that's enough.

We must think of this from the children's point of view. Now, they've

They've been given a balloon.

They've had their tea with jellies and blancmange. With respect, Captain

Peacock. Kids today don't like blancmange. They want savories and

They'll get what they're given. Yeah, even if we have to ram it down their

throat. I must remember that we were all children once.

You know, the bit I like best was sitting on my mother's knee.

She used to tell me stories about fairies.

I think it coloured my whole life.

Even when my voice broke, I believed in Jack and the Beanstalk.

One day, I threw me baked beans out the window.

During the night, unbeknown to me, the GPO planted a great big telegraph pole.

Well, when I woke up, I couldn't believe me eyes.

You thought it was a beanstalk, Mr. Humphrey. Well, there was no other

explanation, Mr. Lucas.

I ran out in me pyjamas and started to climb it.

And did you get to the enchanted land?

No, but I struck up a nice friendship with a man in a peat cap and a pair of

wire cutters.

Well, that's a good idea. We could act out a fairy tale.

What sort of fairy story?

Well, how about Alibaba? Now, that goes... Once upon a time, there was a

cobbler... No, no, no, Miss Brahms, you're getting confused.

There was 40 of them.

Alibaba and the 40 thieves.

Oh, well, that's all right, then. Once upon a time, there was a lot of

I remember now. The thieves hide in the pots.

Alibaba pours boiling oil all over them, and they all die a horrible...

I don't think that comes under the heading of light -hearted entertainment.

Couldn't we do Little Red Riding Hood? That's a nice story.

Oh, yes, I recall that one.

It's the story of a dear old lady who lives in a cottage in the woods.

Now, one day, when she's waiting for her granddaughter to bring her some food, a

wolf creeps in, leaps on the grandmother and eats her.

Then, putting on the old lady's nightdress and bonnet, he climbs into

wait the arrival of Little Red Riding Hood.

bringing her grandmother supper.

Oh, I like that one. It's got everything.

Cannibalism, transvestism and meals on wheels.

There must be something with a happy ending.

Well, what about Mother Goose?

The tragic story of an ugly old woman who finds a goose that lays golden eggs.

And is she satisfied?

Is she hell? She wants to be beautiful.

Well, Mrs. Slogan could play the first part.

Perhaps we're being too ambitious.

I mean, I don't ever remember going to a party where people acted fairy stories.

The things that stand out in my mind were conjurers and clowns and Punch and

Judy. If you want a Punch and Judy, man, that costs money.

It's a perfect art.

Oh, what a shame. I love Punch and Judy.

I've got an idea we could do.

Punch and Judy, life -size.

What exactly had you in mind, Mr. Humphries? Well, we could get this play

make us a big...

stage thing, and we could all be the characters.

Oh, yeah, I like that.

But don't forget, we need Dog Tooby, sitting at the side, like his master's

voice. Yeah, if we can't get a dog, we could have Mr. Slogum's pussy on the

side.

I'm sure we could acquire a dog from the pet department.

I'll have a word with Miss Hepburn. I thought you was off her since she shoved

them two ferrets down your trousers.

That was Miss Fennell from Soft Toys. Rumour has it you were banned from the

department for a whole week.

That's not true, Mr. Lucas.

Thank you, Mr. Hendricks.

He was banned for three days, and Miss Fennell was moved to novelty candles to

keep her out of mischief.

Mind you, it didn't.

Well, are we going to get the dogger, aren't we?

I will supply the dogger. Now, look, perhaps we could get all the

together and have a rehearsal next Thursday evening. Absolutely.

I'll stay behind.

Dance, dance.

Mr Grace has just come round to make sure you're not being victimised by the

catering staff.

How's the lunch?

Same as usual, sir.

They are being victimised.

And Mr Grace is absolutely delighted that you're going to put on a show for

children. Any ideas yet? We're going to do Punch and Judy and Magic.

Magic, eh?

That's funny. I was only discussing levitation with my nurse yesterday.

Yes, I explained that if you see something rising without any visible

support, well, it's all in the mind.

It came as no surprise to me.

Yeah, Mr.

Grace used to be an amateur ventriloquist, didn't you, Mr. Grace?

Did I?

Yeah. Well, don't you remember when you used to sit me on your knee and show me

how you used to pull the string?

Oh, yes, I think you got caught up in your bra, didn't you?

You've got things that go on in that office.

I know.

It's like a senior citizen's Emmanuel.

I must get back to it, whatever it is.

You've all done very well.

Thank you.

Hey. Captain Peacock.

Mr. Harmon.

How many times have I told you that maintenance personnel are not allowed on

floor during working hours?

Oh, well, in that case, I presume you don't want to know nothing about the

punching duty apparatus and costumes that have arrived for your rehearsal

tonight. Oh, that's a different matter.

Bring them up in the goods lift and await my orders.

Await your orders?

Queen Victoria's dead, you know.

You don't give me orders. I mean, if you want anything, you make the request,

preferably with a smile lurking somewhere around your lips.

And if you can't manage a smile, a little unsolicited...

Gratuity.

You chose to smile.

I bet that came as a bit of a strain to you.

I suppose you'll have your lips in a sling for the rest of the week now.

Don't stand there gossiping, Captain Peacock. And Mr Harmon shouldn't be on

floor. I'll keep telling him that, sir, but he will keep delaying me.

I'll see you later, Stephen.

and a palm or something. Very good, Miss Rumpfrey.

Oh,

haven't they done it nice?

Yeah, the maintenance staff took 24 hours to do that.

Oh, isn't it good of them to give their time?

Well, it wasn't exactly time.

It was time and half.

We got paid for it.

What's this for?

Oh, Mr. Brumbo said he's going to play the incidental music.

Oh, he most certainly didn't ask for that.

Ah, good.

The piano's here.

I found some absolutely first -class Punch and Judy music.

Mr. Rumble!

Mr. Rumble.

We haven't decided what we're going to do yet.

Well, when the time comes, you can rely on me to play something appropriate. And

if you don't like it, you only have to say... Thank you, Mr Rumble.

Shall we all gather round?

Mr Humphreys has been doing some research on the Punch and Judy story.

Mr Humphreys, would you like to take the floor?

Thank you.

Well, now, as you know, Punch and Judy is a traditional art form. It was first

performed by the Comedie dell 'Arte, who were a touring company in Italy in the

11th century.

Mr Humphreys, I was hoping to get home tonight.

Do you think we could skip a couple of centuries and get on to the plot?

More important than that, who is going to be playing what?

Now, let me see. We've got Punch, we've got Judy, we've got the butcher, we've

got the devil, the policeman and the hangman.

Punch is a clown and he's always in trouble.

Oh, good part for you, Mr. Loker.

Now,

which of you ladies would like to play Judy?

A senior sales lady. I think I should play Judy.

Judy is a young, innocent waif.

Do you see yourself as a young, innocent waif?

Well, it is make -believe.

Not to the point of incredibility.

Furthermore, Judy's madly in love with Punch, played by Mr. Lucas.

You can have the part, Miss Brown.

I don't have to kiss him, do I?

It's only make -believe, Miss Brown.

Yes, well, it will be.

Now, can I need a pork butcher?

Don't look at me.

It's only make -believe sausages, Mr. Goldberg.

Would you describe it as a major role? I mean, I'll play it if it's not a small

part. Well, you see, I need someone to frighten the children, so I've got you

down as the devil, the hangman and the policeman.

Just a minute.

What about me?

Well, all the ladies' parts have gone, Mrs. Slocum. Well, couldn't I play a

policewoman? They don't have policewomen. They only have policemens.

Well, they are principal boys in pantomime, so I don't see why I

policeman.

Well, that's reality right out of the window, but if you insist.

I do insist.

Well, let's get on then. Hang on just a minute. Where are the parts for us to

read? There aren't any parts.

Well, how do we know what to say?

Well, I shall tell you the story and you will improvise spontaneously on the

theme.

Yeah, and we have to use funny voices, don't we? We do, Miss Browns, and yours

will do very nicely.

That's nice.

Open the curtains, please. Open the curtains.

That's right. Now, where's Mr. Punch?

Mr. Punch.

Oh, no.

Now is the winter of our discontent.

Mr. Lucas, will you stop messing about, please? Now, you're Mr. Punch. Now, come

along. Jaws.

Very funny, Mr. Lucas. Very funny indeed. Now, come along, please.

Mr. Punch.

nice indeed.

Strumbled!

Strumbled!

Strumbled! Not yet.

If you don't like it, you only have to say.

Oh, it's not a question of not liking it.

It's just a question of not yet.

Grouching down here is doing my backing.

Mrs. Slocum, why are you wearing a funny nose?

Because I'm a funny policeman.

You are not a funny policeman.

You're making a mockery of the whole thing.

You're supposed to frighten the children.

They cheer Punch and Judy and they hate you.

Why should they hate me? Because you keep bashing Mr. Punch over the head

your truncheon. Oh, well, that's some consolation.

I think Mrs. Snowcomb should take her lipstick off as well. I mean, who's ever

seen a policeman wearing lipstick?

Mind you, the circumstances were entirely different.

Excuse me.

These sausages, they're more like chipolatas.

Will it make any difference to the plot? I don't think so, Mr. Goldberg. Mr.

Goldberg, the pork butcher's supposed to have a funny nose. Where is it?

I couldn't get it on.

Right, there's Judy.

Here I am.

Here, I've got a bone to pick.

I'm supposed to have a baby, aren't I? That's right, Miss Brown.

Yeah, well, they didn't...

and all they had was a factory reject chimpanzee. Look.

Hang on just a minute, just a minute. I don't want to be difficult, but if she's

supposed to be an innocent young girl, how come she's got a baby?

We won't go into that at the moment.

He's madly in love with Judy, and he kisses her goodbye because he's going

to buy some sausages.

Now, come along. Kiss her goodbye.

says Mr. Punch, why don't you steal the sausages?

Right, now, off you go. Off you go to the butcher. Oh, I've got no money.

I've got no money.

Punch? Mr.

Punch, why don't you steal the sausages?

You're not going to say it like that.

You're supposed to be evil. Now, improvise.

Listen to me, Punch.

The world is divided into the hams and the have -nots.

Now you are a have -not. Now go get the heads to the butcher and steal the

sausages and you will become a have.

I'm running an unsuccessful shop?

There is no queue.

As you wish, Mr.

Humphreys. Right, now then, steal the sausages. Oh, I'm going.

You don't seem pinched, then, because your attention is diverted by a burglar

the roof of the town hall.

Well, where's that? Over there!

Stop, please!

Stop, please!

Get back to the police station!

Right, now, steal the sausages again.

Don't get carried away with your rule.

It's only make -believe.

I'm sorry, Mr. Humphreys.

It's very insensitive of me.

I know how deeply you feel. I think you're doing a wonderful job. I didn't

the job in the first place.

so temperamental?

You only have to tell me when. I know. And if you don't like it, you only have

to say it.

I know.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

I'm much better now.

I had no idea you could be so kind and understanding.

You give me the strength to carry on.

Excuse me.

We'll go from the top. Now, Mr. Punch, where's Judy?

He's saying goodbye to Judy. You kiss her goodbye because you're going to

the sausages. Now, come along. Let's all get together.

Goodbye, Judy. I'm going to steal the sausages again. Give me a kiss.

Thank you.