All language subtitles for Are You Being Served s07e08 The Punch And Judy Affar

I'm afraid the cleaners are still on
strike.

I thought your people were coming in
early to get the base cleared up. Oh,

they're here already, sir. They're
changing into suitable attire.

Ah, good morning, Mr.

Humboldt. Well done, Mr. Goldberg.

That's the spirit.

It's too bad, you know.

They've nicked the vacuum cleaner.

Well, just do the treads of the stairs.
You can do the main carpet during the

coffee break.

And what are you going to do? Same as
always. Tell us what to do.

I shall take care of my own area.

in another direction.

Mrs. Slocum, I'm a married man. I've
seen it all before.

Not at this time in the morning.

Not from that angle.

And not this one.

Take off that ridiculous scarf.

But Captain Peacock... Don't argue with
me. Take it off. As you wish.

first thing this morning and my
hairdryer blew a fuse.

If Mr. Rumble sees that, he too will
very likely blow a fuse.

Mr. Humphries, you're supposed to be
cleaning the store, not doing an excerpt

from Swan Lake.

Oh, really, Mrs. Slocum, you shouldn't.
It's only me.

You're late, Mr. Lucas. Ah, yes. Well, I
had trouble getting through the

cleaners' picket line.

They were exercising their democratic
rights to explain their just grievances.

said I was sympathetic, but I needed a
lolly. So what happened?

The leader of the picket line took out
her lipstick and sent you all this

message.

The rest of the girls said they were
going to sign on the bottom, so I ran

hell.

Mr. Rumble will be down in a second.
Now, cover that up.

Well done, everybody.

You're all working very hard.

Whose idea was that?

Mr Humphreys.

He did it. On Captain Peacock's order.

We have a serious situation in our
hands. We have no time to fool around

schoolboys. Right, OK then, Warwick.
Open your left hand down. Your left

Come on, Warwick. Let's see. Don't make
that noise.

Right, now, level it up, Warwick. Go on,
there. There we are. How about that,

then? Well, I'm glad to see that the
maintenance department are not on

They are. We came out this morning.

What are you doing here, then? We
renegotiated ourselves as outside

at double pay.

Wish we could do something about our
money.

You want to get a powerful shop still
behind you, show you how to flex your

industrial muscles.

We can all live in a dream world.

This,

sir, is a point -of -display model for
the bitey briefs, for cycling shorts

the magic long -life gusset, guaranteed
for 100 ,000 grueling miles.

and pay attention.

This is the bikey briefs model.

You've probably heard that the latest
sales theory has it that a moving

attracts the eye more than a static one.

Does she have to have big legs?

To do 100 ,000 miles, you need big legs.

Right, is everybody ready?

Yes, sir. Switch arms, sir. Well, you
will note that the saddle is made of

sandpaper. Now, this is to demonstrate
that the briefs will stand up to the

roughest of well.

I might almost point out, that one day
on this machine is the equivalent of

going from here to Afghanistan.

Oh, look, it's got a fifth gear.

I wanted to get you all together to let
you know that the strike has been

settled. Did all parties go to the
conciliation department?

No, no, that was our intention.

Unfortunately, they too were on strike
for better pay for arbitrators.

However, young Mr. Grace did come up
with a compromise solution.

He paid up.

The net result of all this is that they
are all back at work. But the whole

dispute has caused a lot of bad blood
due to the fact that you crossed the

picket lines.

We didn't cross anything.

We're fed up with stoppages everywhere.
All we did was come to work and get on

with the job.

Yes. I didn't fight in the desert to
support endless strikes.

I bet those Germans are glad they lost.
They'd be bankrupt by now.

The fact remains that young Mr. Grace
would like to do something to restore

happy family atmosphere that Grace
Brothers has always enjoyed.

And how does he propose to do that, sir?
Well, we think it would be a good idea

if there were to be a children's party
for the offspring of members of the

staff. And how is that going to benefit
us?

That's the ingenious part, you see.
Young Mr. Grace feels that you were the

that broke the picket line. You should
give the party.

I don't want to speak out of turn.

But wouldn't it be better if catering
did it?

Ah, they'll do the food.

The food, of course, yes. Actually, but
Mr. Graves is aware that certain members

of my department are extremely
versatile.

Did he mention any name?

Consequently, he feels that you should
take on the task of actually amusing the

children. Oh, you know, the sort of
thing, ring of roses, oranges and

pin the tail on the donkey.

Yeah, or pin the ears on the monkey.

All those sorts of things.

I know that if you all sit down and put
your heads together, you'll come up with

an absolutely first -class afternoon of
frolic and entertainment.

But surely the strike's over.

They've got the money. There can't be
all that much bad blood.

Did you order six teas for a
departmental meeting?

Thank you, Ivy.

Please yourself.

Excuse me. I suppose it's the wrong time
to tell you I can't get the sauce out

of the bottle.

Anything else?

Not for a couple of years.

He's going to have to be out of a good
kids' party to sort this lot out.

Well, if she's going to be there, how
about a game of blind man's buff on

head?

I haven't been to a children's party
since I was about five.

Was that to celebrate your birthday or
the relief of Maffer King?

We're all in this together. Now, please,
that's enough.

We must think of this from the
children's point of view. Now, they've

They've been given a balloon.

They've had their tea with jellies and
blancmange. With respect, Captain

Peacock. Kids today don't like
blancmange. They want savories and

They'll get what they're given. Yeah,
even if we have to ram it down their

throat. I must remember that we were all
children once.

You know, the bit I like best was
sitting on my mother's knee.

She used to tell me stories about
fairies.

I think it coloured my whole life.

Even when my voice broke, I believed in
Jack and the Beanstalk.

One day, I threw me baked beans out the
window.

During the night, unbeknown to me, the
GPO planted a great big telegraph pole.

Well, when I woke up, I couldn't believe
me eyes.

You thought it was a beanstalk, Mr.
Humphrey. Well, there was no other

explanation, Mr. Lucas.

I ran out in me pyjamas and started to
climb it.

And did you get to the enchanted land?

No, but I struck up a nice friendship
with a man in a peat cap and a pair of

wire cutters.

Well, that's a good idea. We could act
out a fairy tale.

What sort of fairy story?

Well, how about Alibaba? Now, that
goes... Once upon a time, there was a

cobbler... No, no, no, Miss Brahms,
you're getting confused.

There was 40 of them.

Alibaba and the 40 thieves.

Oh, well, that's all right, then. Once
upon a time, there was a lot of

I remember now. The thieves hide in the
pots.

Alibaba pours boiling oil all over them,
and they all die a horrible...

I don't think that comes under the
heading of light -hearted entertainment.

Couldn't we do Little Red Riding Hood?
That's a nice story.

Oh, yes, I recall that one.

It's the story of a dear old lady who
lives in a cottage in the woods.

Now, one day, when she's waiting for her
granddaughter to bring her some food, a

wolf creeps in, leaps on the grandmother
and eats her.

Then, putting on the old lady's
nightdress and bonnet, he climbs into

wait the arrival of Little Red Riding
Hood.

bringing her grandmother supper.

Oh, I like that one. It's got
everything.

Cannibalism, transvestism and meals on
wheels.

There must be something with a happy
ending.

Well, what about Mother Goose?

The tragic story of an ugly old woman
who finds a goose that lays golden eggs.

And is she satisfied?

Is she hell? She wants to be beautiful.

Well, Mrs. Slogan could play the first
part.

Perhaps we're being too ambitious.

I mean, I don't ever remember going to a
party where people acted fairy stories.

The things that stand out in my mind
were conjurers and clowns and Punch and

Judy. If you want a Punch and Judy, man,
that costs money.

It's a perfect art.

Oh, what a shame. I love Punch and Judy.

I've got an idea we could do.

Punch and Judy, life -size.

What exactly had you in mind, Mr.
Humphries? Well, we could get this play

make us a big...

stage thing, and we could all be the
characters.

Oh, yeah, I like that.

But don't forget, we need Dog Tooby,
sitting at the side, like his master's

voice. Yeah, if we can't get a dog, we
could have Mr. Slogum's pussy on the

side.

I'm sure we could acquire a dog from the
pet department.

I'll have a word with Miss Hepburn. I
thought you was off her since she shoved

them two ferrets down your trousers.

That was Miss Fennell from Soft Toys.
Rumour has it you were banned from the

department for a whole week.

That's not true, Mr. Lucas.

Thank you, Mr. Hendricks.

He was banned for three days, and Miss
Fennell was moved to novelty candles to

keep her out of mischief.

Mind you, it didn't.

Well, are we going to get the dogger,
aren't we?

I will supply the dogger. Now, look,
perhaps we could get all the

together and have a rehearsal next
Thursday evening. Absolutely.

I'll stay behind.

Dance, dance.

Mr Grace has just come round to make
sure you're not being victimised by the

catering staff.

How's the lunch?

Same as usual, sir.

They are being victimised.

And Mr Grace is absolutely delighted
that you're going to put on a show for

children. Any ideas yet? We're going to
do Punch and Judy and Magic.

Magic, eh?

That's funny. I was only discussing
levitation with my nurse yesterday.

Yes, I explained that if you see
something rising without any visible

support, well, it's all in the mind.

It came as no surprise to me.

Yeah, Mr.

Grace used to be an amateur
ventriloquist, didn't you, Mr. Grace?

Did I?

Yeah. Well, don't you remember when you
used to sit me on your knee and show me

how you used to pull the string?

Oh, yes, I think you got caught up in
your bra, didn't you?

You've got things that go on in that
office.

I know.

It's like a senior citizen's Emmanuel.

I must get back to it, whatever it is.

You've all done very well.

Thank you.

Hey. Captain Peacock.

Mr. Harmon.

How many times have I told you that
maintenance personnel are not allowed on

floor during working hours?

Oh, well, in that case, I presume you
don't want to know nothing about the

punching duty apparatus and costumes
that have arrived for your rehearsal

tonight. Oh, that's a different matter.

Bring them up in the goods lift and
await my orders.

Await your orders?

Queen Victoria's dead, you know.

You don't give me orders. I mean, if you
want anything, you make the request,

preferably with a smile lurking
somewhere around your lips.

And if you can't manage a smile, a
little unsolicited...

Gratuity.

You chose to smile.

I bet that came as a bit of a strain to
you.

I suppose you'll have your lips in a
sling for the rest of the week now.

Don't stand there gossiping, Captain
Peacock. And Mr Harmon shouldn't be on

floor. I'll keep telling him that, sir,
but he will keep delaying me.

I'll see you later, Stephen.

and a palm or something. Very good, Miss
Rumpfrey.

Oh,

haven't they done it nice?

Yeah, the maintenance staff took 24
hours to do that.

Oh, isn't it good of them to give their
time?

Well, it wasn't exactly time.

It was time and half.

We got paid for it.

What's this for?

Oh, Mr. Brumbo said he's going to play
the incidental music.

Oh, he most certainly didn't ask for
that.

Ah, good.

The piano's here.

I found some absolutely first -class
Punch and Judy music.

Mr. Rumble!

Mr. Rumble.

We haven't decided what we're going to
do yet.

Well, when the time comes, you can rely
on me to play something appropriate. And

if you don't like it, you only have to
say... Thank you, Mr Rumble.

Shall we all gather round?

Mr Humphreys has been doing some
research on the Punch and Judy story.

Mr Humphreys, would you like to take the
floor?

Thank you.

Well, now, as you know, Punch and Judy
is a traditional art form. It was first

performed by the Comedie dell 'Arte, who
were a touring company in Italy in the

11th century.

Mr Humphreys, I was hoping to get home
tonight.

Do you think we could skip a couple of
centuries and get on to the plot?

More important than that, who is going
to be playing what?

Now, let me see. We've got Punch, we've
got Judy, we've got the butcher, we've

got the devil, the policeman and the
hangman.

Punch is a clown and he's always in
trouble.

Oh, good part for you, Mr. Loker.

Now,

which of you ladies would like to play
Judy?

A senior sales lady. I think I should
play Judy.

Judy is a young, innocent waif.

Do you see yourself as a young, innocent
waif?

Well, it is make -believe.

Not to the point of incredibility.

Furthermore, Judy's madly in love with
Punch, played by Mr. Lucas.

You can have the part, Miss Brown.

I don't have to kiss him, do I?

It's only make -believe, Miss Brown.

Yes, well, it will be.

Now, can I need a pork butcher?

Don't look at me.

It's only make -believe sausages, Mr.
Goldberg.

Would you describe it as a major role? I
mean, I'll play it if it's not a small

part. Well, you see, I need someone to
frighten the children, so I've got you

down as the devil, the hangman and the
policeman.

Just a minute.

What about me?

Well, all the ladies' parts have gone,
Mrs. Slocum. Well, couldn't I play a

policewoman? They don't have
policewomen. They only have policemens.

Well, they are principal boys in
pantomime, so I don't see why I

policeman.

Well, that's reality right out of the
window, but if you insist.

I do insist.

Well, let's get on then. Hang on just a
minute. Where are the parts for us to

read? There aren't any parts.

Well, how do we know what to say?

Well, I shall tell you the story and you
will improvise spontaneously on the

theme.

Yeah, and we have to use funny voices,
don't we? We do, Miss Browns, and yours

will do very nicely.

That's nice.

Open the curtains, please. Open the
curtains.

That's right. Now, where's Mr. Punch?

Mr. Punch.

Oh, no.

Now is the winter of our discontent.

Mr. Lucas, will you stop messing about,
please? Now, you're Mr. Punch. Now, come

along. Jaws.

Very funny, Mr. Lucas. Very funny
indeed. Now, come along, please.

Mr. Punch.

nice indeed.

Strumbled!

Strumbled!

Strumbled! Not yet.

If you don't like it, you only have to
say.

Oh, it's not a question of not liking
it.

It's just a question of not yet.

Grouching down here is doing my backing.

Mrs. Slocum, why are you wearing a funny
nose?

Because I'm a funny policeman.

You are not a funny policeman.

You're making a mockery of the whole
thing.

You're supposed to frighten the
children.

They cheer Punch and Judy and they hate
you.

Why should they hate me? Because you
keep bashing Mr. Punch over the head

your truncheon. Oh, well, that's some
consolation.

I think Mrs. Snowcomb should take her
lipstick off as well. I mean, who's ever

seen a policeman wearing lipstick?

Mind you, the circumstances were
entirely different.

Excuse me.

These sausages, they're more like
chipolatas.

Will it make any difference to the plot?
I don't think so, Mr. Goldberg. Mr.

Goldberg, the pork butcher's supposed to
have a funny nose. Where is it?

I couldn't get it on.

Right, there's Judy.

Here I am.

Here, I've got a bone to pick.

I'm supposed to have a baby, aren't I?
That's right, Miss Brown.

Yeah, well, they didn't...

and all they had was a factory reject
chimpanzee. Look.

Hang on just a minute, just a minute. I
don't want to be difficult, but if she's

supposed to be an innocent young girl,
how come she's got a baby?

We won't go into that at the moment.

He's madly in love with Judy, and he
kisses her goodbye because he's going

to buy some sausages.

Now, come along. Kiss her goodbye.

says Mr. Punch, why don't you steal the
sausages?

Right, now, off you go. Off you go to
the butcher. Oh, I've got no money.

I've got no money.

Punch? Mr.

Punch, why don't you steal the sausages?

You're not going to say it like that.

You're supposed to be evil. Now,
improvise.

Listen to me, Punch.

The world is divided into the hams and
the have -nots.

Now you are a have -not. Now go get the
heads to the butcher and steal the

sausages and you will become a have.

I'm running an unsuccessful shop?

There is no queue.

As you wish, Mr.

Humphreys. Right, now then, steal the
sausages. Oh, I'm going.

You don't seem pinched, then, because
your attention is diverted by a burglar

the roof of the town hall.

Well, where's that? Over there!

Stop, please!

Stop, please!

Get back to the police station!

Right, now, steal the sausages again.

Don't get carried away with your rule.

It's only make -believe.

I'm sorry, Mr. Humphreys.

It's very insensitive of me.

I know how deeply you feel. I think
you're doing a wonderful job. I didn't

the job in the first place.

so temperamental?

You only have to tell me when. I know.
And if you don't like it, you only have

to say it.

I know.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

I'm much better now.

I had no idea you could be so kind and
understanding.

You give me the strength to carry on.

Excuse me.

We'll go from the top. Now, Mr. Punch,
where's Judy?

He's saying goodbye to Judy. You kiss
her goodbye because you're going to

the sausages. Now, come along. Let's all
get together.

Goodbye, Judy. I'm going to steal the
sausages again. Give me a kiss.

Thank you.