Original subtitles

for perfumery, stationery and leather goods, waste and haberdashery,

and food.

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Here's the magic powder.

Are you ready to drink it now?

Well, I will be in the fullness of time. I'm sorry, sir, that's not good enough.

You have to be ready to drink it at once.

Why is that?

Well, it's instant coffee. So cold because there is only one instance when

tastes like coffee.

And go.

Go on, drink it all up. Go on, go on.

All up. Drink it all up, sir.

Oh, that's so lovely, sir. Go on. That's it, that's it. Go on, right now.

See? See?

Right, now, today is Friday, which is payday, but can I have the money to take

down for the staff?

Ah, now, there's been a change in the payout arrangements.

The money will be brought down by the accounts clerk in a security dispenser.

Well, I don't like the sound of that. I've been dogging out the wages in a

basket for years.

Yes, but, Mr Harman, times are changing, and the insurance company insists that

we use a more modern method.

Does that mean I've been made redundant?

Indeed not.

You will accompany the clerk as security escort.

Yeah, but if I don't take the money, I mean I'm being downgraded. I shall have

to report this to my accredited shop steward.

What happens to be me?

Well, pity about that.

There was to have been a bonus of two pounds that went with the job.

I'm sorry, sir, I can't stay. I've got to go down to the council.

Thank you for your custom, madam.

So, anyway, me and Mrs Axelby didn't fancy going abroad this year. I mean,

Spain's getting so common. Anybody can go now.

So, anyway, we booked into this holiday camp.

Weren't you bothered by them young men camping?

No, not at all. And it was so hot that we sat in our nightdresses with the door

wide open.

And nobody bothered us.

Boy, it sounds a bit boring to me.

Oh, no, not at all. There was something going on all the time. Oh, and laugh.

On Wednesday night, they had this sort of variety concert.

And there was this man that hypnotised people.

Was he any good?

Well, he got me up on the stage and apparently had me doing all sorts of

things.

Look, that was taken of me.

Blimey, you're standing on your edge.

Hello!

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen that picture. Lucky your seams were

straight.

And that's one of me when he had me doing the cam cam.

And that's just after at the first aid post.

Oh, and all...

Whenever he snapped his fingers, all the audience blew a raspberry.

Mrs. Slogan.

How

you

been, sir?

That's the gentleman I want to see.

Oh, that's our Mr.

Umphreys.

Excuse me, Mr. Umphreys, this gentleman would like to speak to you. He asked for

you personally.

What can I do for you, sir?

I'm going to show you something. It's going to shock you.

Yes, I'll put my glasses on.

Are you ready?

As ready as I shall ever be.

am I supposed to be looking at?

Oh, this sweater.

When I bought it, it came down to there.

Now look where it's gone to.

Did you wash it yourself?

Yes, yes. As a matter of fact, I did.

And you assured me it was drip dry.

Are you the drip that dried it?

Oh, Mr.

Lucas. Did you wash it in lukewarm water, sir? Yes.

Did you use a mild detergent? Yes.

Did you use soft water?

Yes.

Did you hang it up to dry? Yes.

You've obviously not read the label. This garment is made of pure giraffe

What difference does that make?

It's exactly the same principle as the cows, isn't it, Mr. Lucas?

Oh, identical, Mr. Armstrong.

I mean, when it's going to rain, cows lie down.

So what?

Well, it's just the same with the giraffe. I mean, if they stood up and

their skins wet, it would all hang over in folds.

When they galloped off, they'd trip over.

Now, what I suggest you do is wash it again, lie it on a towel to dry, in some

sunlight, not before two o 'clock in the afternoon, preferably with a cool

westerly breeze blowing.

If you have any trouble, don't hesitate to bring it back. Good morning.

Good morning.

What a salesman you are, Mr Humphreys.

A silver tongue, a golden smile, a warm heart.

You should have a great career with the right person behind you.

Man changing places.

Gather round, everybody. Come along, come along.

Now, as you may have heard, this is the new security wage dispenser.

Would you perhaps like to explain, Mr Patel?

Certainly, Captain Peacock.

Now, You all have identity photographs on your records.

These photographs have been copied and are inside here.

This machine will scan you, compare you with the identity photograph, and if you

are in fact who you claim to be, your salary will be duly deposited in the

payout tray.

Why doesn't it come in a wire basket like it always done?

Did, Miss Bronze.

Oh, like it always did done.

of the alarming increase in daylight robbery.

Well, our wages are daylight robbery.

That will do, Mr. Lucas.

Now, who is to go first?

I will go first.

Thank you, Captain Peacock. Captain Peacock is going first.

Stand by, Mr. Harmon.

Are you ready, Captain Peacock? Ready.

Ready, Mr. Patel? Absolutely ready.

I'm pressing the buttons.

Now.

The comparing is now going on.

Do not pay out. Do not pay out.

You are perhaps wondering why the machine has not paid out.

I was wondering why the machine has not paid out.

Well, it's been stolen by a Dalek.

I will now look at the identity photograph to see if there is a reason.

There we have it.

You see, in the photograph, you are wearing fancy dress.

I am not in fancy dress.

That photograph was taken for the Grace Brothers Operatic Society's much

-acclaimed production of The Pirates of Penzance.

I played the part of Frederick.

Well, that's all right. If you just wear a black patch and something red on your

head, you will get immediately your salary.

It may surprise you to know that I do not have my pirate costume with me.

Oh, here.

Put that in your mince pie.

And put these on your head as a red handkerchief.

You think that every time I get my salary, I'm going to parade with a

hair in my eye and a pair of knickers on my head? You've got another thing

coming. Now, look, do you want your money or not?

It's a little business I run on the side.

I can't live on the money they pay you here.

So I run a little agency.

What sort of an agency?

It's a first -class employment agency.

I find positions for high -class salesmen like yourself.

Seems to pay off very well.

I do it very cheap, though. I only charge the first week's wages.

130 pounds.

Who's that from?

It's from the new head of stationery and greeting path at Lallian Willet.

And it's only a young man like yourself.

What do you knock up here?

A bag of powder.

What do you earn?

What a liberty.

Do you know what I could get you at Harrods?

Tell me.

Well, just for selling things.

People who haven't got what you've got are getting it.

Because I haven't got what you've got.

I don't really like to ask, but what is it I've got that nobody else has?

You've got charm, vitality and personality and experience and youth.

Oh, that, yes. Oh, yes, I've got that.

Well, some of it.

Now, listen, don't misunderstand me.

I'm not just touting for business.

I'm not that sort of person at all. Oh, of course not.

Would you like me to make some inquiries on your behalf?

Well, as my old choir master used to say, there's no harm in asking.

Of course not.

When did your choir master say that?

Shortly after he told me that I'd got charm, vitality, personality, experience

and youth.

Well, I'm sure you won't mind if we make our association, as it were...

On an official basis. Anytime you like.

Well, if you don't mind, would you sign?

There.

Thank you.

And there.

Here.

Here.

Here.

And initial there.

And lastly,

just there.

Finally, that's it.

That's it. Now, that covers everything.

Don't I get a copy?

No. When you signed there, you agreed not to have a copy of the agreement.

But if you've any queries, just ask.

Mr. Goldberg, could I have a private word with you about...

That matter that we were discussing. You may speak freely in front of Mr.

Humphreys. I've just undertaken his representation.

Anything happening?

Well, I tell you, we got feelers out at Dorothy Perkins, the head of ladies'

foundations, and also a very good response for the position of head fitter

Atco.

Atco?

They make lawnmowers.

underwear as well?

No, they make lawnmowers.

But the money's very good.

Oh, I don't think I could do a mechanical job. One has one's standards,

know. It's 200 pounds a week.

Motor mowers are push -along.

I bought you a chocolate bitty, Mr. Goldberg. Oh, thank you, Miss Brown.

Now, is there any news?

I've sent out all your photos with a description of your experience to date.

And the only reply so far is a firm offer in beds.

£300 a week?

I turned it down.

What for?

Well, the beds was in Cairo and you was on sailor return.

Is Mr Goldberg looking out for your interest, Mr Lucas?

Oh, yeah, I'm having your job when you've gone.

I should have thought a young man like you would have set your sights on

something higher.

When I tell him who's nicking all the staff from Grace Brothers, I'll have Mr

Goldberg's job as well.

More hot coffee, Mr Goldberg?

Oh, thank you, Diana.

Right up to the chip.

Thanks to you, I started the head topper at the Gay Hussar Pancake House on

Monday.

You never told me that was going.

Oh, and there's a phone call for you. Oh, thank you. Don't get up.

Amanda's bringing it to you, sir. Thank you, thank you. The personnel department

of Lally and Willis.

Oh, thank you, Diana.

Thank you for getting me this job.

Yeah, it's all right. You're a busy little bee, aren't you?

Hello.

McFitty's Employment Agency here.

Mr. Goldberg speaking.

Oh, hello, Sid.

Now, have you got anything about Mrs. Slocum?

Oh, you like the sound of Mrs. Slocum so far?

Good. I like the sound of Mrs. Slocum. It's the sight of Mrs. Slocum that goes

wrong.

I tell you, she's a very beautiful lady.

Her age?

30 -ish.

Look, it's a senior position, Mrs. Slocum. They want someone older than

Well, tell a lie and say 40 -ish.

What? Oh, they want someone who's 50 -ish.

Well, go on, now's your chance to tell the truth.

to you, Sid.

She'd pass for 50.

What's her what like?

Big.

In fact, very big indeed.

Mr. Kuhlberg, what are you talking about?

A personality, Mrs. Locum.

She will not take less than 125.

Sorry. So, the ball's in your court.

Oh, Sid, I've just taken on a new client, a Mr.

Humphreys. Yeah, I'm very excited about him.

Oh, Sid, he's right up your street.

He has charm, vitality, personality, experience he's got.

And youth.

And youth, eh?

Is he what?

Well, I don't know. I mean... Well, I don't think

so.

I mean... Mr Humphreys, you're not a militant trade unionist, are you?

Well, with suede shoes, I'd be laughed off the platform.

No, that's all right. Well, if anything comes up, there'd be no.

Thank you.

So, I've sown the seed.

All we have to do now... His weight.

Hello. Time we were getting back.

That's a nice watch, Mr. Goldberg.

Yeah, 18 carat. It was given to me by a very satisfied client.

We've got an inscription on it.

Thanks for everything.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Love, Maggie.

I haven't got my glasses.

Oh. Oh, shall I guide your hand, then?

Yes, you're very good at that, aren't you?

Here we are.

Now, G -R -A... Yes, yes, but you don't

have to spell it.

Well, you say it because you're right, and the oxygen is great. I thought you

might like to see if they're OK.

Oh, yes.

Here we are.

grated fruit.

And these are your new reading glasses.

There.

Here's the mirror.

You're not having an earthquake or anything, are you?

No, sir.

Oh, I don't like those. They make me look like an old book.

John. That's no comfort.

Pay attention, Mr. Grace. I want to see how much you can read.

Aye.

The rest's in Polish.

Sydney.

Bleneko.

Do concentrate, Mr.

Grace. Now, what does it say on the bottom?

Shall we come back later, sir?

Can we have a word privately, sir?

I've had a good look at that.

Well, it's like this, sir.

During the past week, Captain Peacock has become aware that a certain member

staff has been making certain phone calls to a certain store.

about certain other members of staff, as a result of which we are fairly certain

that certain members of the staff may soon be leaving us.

Mr. Grace.

Mr. Grace?

He's gone to sleep.

I'm not surprised.

Mr. Grace.

Mr. Grace!

Oh, what do we do now?

When he drops off like that, he's gone for an hour.

I'll do it for you, sir.

Oh, drat! My suspender's gone again!

What was that?

I hear that Mr Humphreys has been suborned by Mr Goldberg.

Well, he's been asking for it, hasn't he?

What do you want us to do about it? Well, you deal with it, Rumbold.

The ball seems to have lodged itself firmly in your court, Mr Rumbold.

Yes. A bit of a facer, isn't it?

It's one of the penalties of being an executive, sir.

Yes.

What would you do in my position?

Well, I'd consider it from Mr Grace's standpoint.

He has three courses open to him.

Sack them, wait for them to resign, or pay them more money. Oh, I wouldn't do

that.

Now, there is one alternative you haven't thought of, Peacock. Yes, sir?

If I hold my horses and do nothing, it may all blow over me.

If I may say so, sir, it takes an executive of your calibre to think of a

solution like that.

Thank you, Peacock.

Ah! Excellent.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

It's fixed. What happened?

Ladies, where?

Could I speak to Mrs. Slocum, please?

Who's calling?

Mac Whitty Agency here.

Oh, here. Your agent's on the blower.

Thank you, Miss Brahms.

Mrs. Slocum.

It's fixed.

It's fixed me a new job.

What is it?

Would you come to my office immediately, please?

Of course, Mr. Goldberg.

Now, do you mind telling me what's going on? Because I can't stand secrets. Can

I, Mr. Lucas? No, you can't, Mr. Humphreys. That's why you didn't become

Freemason, isn't it?

What is the reason?

I'll put you both in the picture.

You're both going to Lally and Willits.

Oh, isn't that exciting?

And you, Mr.

Humphreys, are to be the new manager.

of the unisex clothing department.

Oh, that should confuse you, Mr. Humphreys.

Very well, Mr. Logan.

And you, Mrs. Logan, are to take charge of the pussy shampoo parlour.

I'll be in seventh heaven?

It could be the highlight of your career, Mrs. Logan.

Head moggy washer.

And your salary will be...

What about mine?

A month?

No, a week.

Why don't we better resign?

The better the day, the better the deed.

No, no, no, hold it, hold it.

You're forgetting your severance pay.

If you resign now, it'll be trivial.

No, you've got to make them sack you.

Then we can take them to the industrial tribunal for wrongful dismissal.

Then we make a settlement.

Wait. Clause 10.

Mrs. Slocum, Miss Brown, will you please return to your counter?

Can't you see that Mrs. Maxwell is there and she's the wife of one of our

directors?

So she is.

Well, I promise you, she will get the service she deserves.

If you want the sack, all you've got to do is be rude to Captain Peacock. What a

good idea.

Mr. Humphreys, tidy that counter.

There's just one thing I want you to know, Captain Peacock.

And what is that, Mr. Humphrey?

I'm just going to tidy my account.

Here we go.

Were you requiring assistance, madam?

Oh, yes. I just brought that skirt back.

When you get it in daylight, the color is absolutely foul.

It's far too expensive, and it rides up when I sit down.

Well, the color goes with your blotchy complexion.

Expensive because you're a mean old bag.

And it rides up when you sit down because you've got a great big fat bump.

You need to say, Mr. Spokum, that you don't deny any of these words. Not one

syllable. She said it all and that's the truth.

Thank you, Miss Brahms.

Extraordinary. Well, you now pass on to Mr. Humphreys.

According to Captain Peacock, you serve the Honourable Lavinia Effingham Fuchs,

with two small Fs, who is also one of our most important customers.

That's right, Mr Rambo.

I will now ask Captain Peacock to repeat the remarks he overheard you make to

her.

On approaching the customer, Mr Humphreys was heard to say, Hello, dolly

you've got the best pair of boobs I've seen since...

Swedish Emmanuel's window cleaner.

Did you say those words?

I did, Mr Rambo. I heard him. Everything Captain Peacock says is true. And he

winked as well.

I did? Like that?

Mr Hubris, I'm surprised you even saw such a film. I was under therapy at the

time.

He then said, how about meeting me in the park behind the bandstand and we'll

pitch a little woo?

Such a little whoop? And what film did that come from?

Gold Diggers of 1938.

This is the most extraordinary set of circumstances.

Are you going to sack us?

In your case, Mrs Slocum, I have a letter here from Mrs Maxwell, who, as

probably know, is a leading member of Morning Glory, a religious sect that

requires of its followers absolute honesty.

You apparently are the first truly honest person she's ever met, as a

which she sent you these two tickets for their next meeting.

What does that mean? I mean, you can't have people walking about saying the

things I said.

What do you mean? I've been doing it for years.

It would be rather difficult, Mr Humphreys, in view of this note from the

in question.

Tell Humphreys, 5 .30 behind the bandstand, and I'll take all the woo he

pitch.

Well, I'm sorry, Sid.

The Grace brothers here got wind of your offer. With the result, they gave a new

contract for Mrs. Slocum and Mr. Humphreys.

Yeah? Well, I got a bit of a rocket from the management here for being behind it

all. But I had a chat with them and made them see sense.

Oh, by the way, have you got anything for an ex -army captain and a chief

executive with big ears?

Well, let me know.

Yeah, thank you.

Well, did you sign the contract?

Not only that, we've got our new wage back in. 50 % rise.

Good. I'll have those.

What do you mean?

Well, that was the arrangement according to the contract.

The first week's wages I get. Here you are. It's on page four.

There it is. PJ.

It says in the contract.

I'll deal with that.

What are you doing? You can't do that.

Sewers.

Look at that.

That's typical, isn't it? Yes, you try and do a good deal for them and they

swindle you, don't they, Mr. Goldberg? They do, Mr. Lucas.

Shall we go to have a drink to celebrate before we go home?

I'd love to, Mrs. Slocum, but I've got to rush off.

I've got an appointment at half past five.

Mrs. Slocum, I don't pitch my woo in public.