Original subtitles

Good morning, sir.

Are you being served or are you just looking?

I'm looking for someone to serve me. Ah, well, in that case, I'm free.

What's it to be, jacket, trousers, or a new woolly pulley?

I bought these socks last week. They've only been washed once, and look.

They're supposed to be non -shrink.

Ah, yes.

I see what the trouble is, sir. They're pure wool, you see.

Now, very often, pure wool socks are made from two different herbs.

I mean, you might get one herb come from the Shetlands, the other, darling.

Now, the Shetland knot won't shrink, because they're standing in the rain all

day.

So this must be the Cornish sock, and that's the Shetland one.

Well, what are you going to do about it?

I shall get in touch with the Cornish farmer and get his sheep sent up to

Shetland.

I want my money back.

Yes.

Mr. Humphreys, are you free?

I'm free.

This gentleman wants his money back on account of the fact that his socks have

shrunk in the wash. I see. Did you wash them yourself, sir, or did your wife

wash them? I live alone.

Oh, I see.

What did you wash them in? In the bath.

I mean, what did you use to wash them with?

Well, water.

Water.

You can go to coffee if you like, Mr. Lucas. This is going to take some time.

It's okay.

The case has my full attention.

Was it hot water, sir? Well, of course it was.

Well, you see, it should have been Luke.

It says so on the instructions.

Luke.

That is too small. Of course it is. It's shrunk.

I want my money back.

Yes, well, our senior assistant, Mr. Goldberg, will have to make that

Mr. Goldberg, are you free?

At the moment, Mr.

Humphreys, yes.

This customer of Mr. Lucas has failed to follow the washing instructions on the

sock, and it's shrunk, and he would like his money back. What is your decision,

Mr. Goldberg?

Mr. Goldberg always makes these decisions.

We must give the customer his money back, Mr. Humphreys. Certainly, Mr.

Goldberg. On one clock.

If you're not satisfied with the goods, bring them back with the receipt and ask

for your money back.

You won't get it, but you can ask.

Now, what's this big news you have to tell me?

Today is a very special day.

What's so special about today?

Today's the day my pussy comes of age.

It's 21 years since you first had it.

No.

since I first had her. You see, in cat life, one year counts as seven.

So that means she's 21 today.

Oh, are you going to give her the key and the door?

No. Anyway, she doesn't need it. She's got a little flap.

Do you want to see what I've got for her? Oh, yes.

Well, a leg of southern fried chicken.

And a mink collar with a little bell.

Is that real mink? Oh, of course. I wouldn't give her imitation.

That's made of cat.

And a record of Lena Zaffaroni.

Oh, is that her favourite?

No, but it's the only way I can get her to go out when it's raining.

And something she's been looking forward to for ages.

A clockwork mouse. Oh, let's see it go.

Captain Peacock. Oh, he's not here yet.

Sweet!

Oh, oh, Dash!

Oh, where's it gone? I can't see it. Well, listen, and we might be able to

the clockwork.

Oh, it's like Peter Pan and the Crocodile.

Anyway, I stuffed a pineapple in the hole, you see. And I said, give me a

tomorrow and let me know if it's stopped.

Ah!

What are you doing, Mr. Humphries?

There's a mouse round my drawers.

There it is. It's clockwork.

Is this another of your jokes, Mr. Lucas?

Not guilty, Captain Peacock. I am in no mood for practical jokes.

Now, what idiot released this mouse on the floor?

I shall count to ten, and if no one owns up, we shall remain behind after the

store closes, until this matter is resolved.

One, two, three... Own up, or I'll tell on you.

You wouldn't do that.

Yes, I would. I've got a date tonight.

Neat. Put your hands up.

Mrs. Stoker, am I to understand that you are the miscreant? The what?

The person who released this object.

Well, yes. I don't want any excuses.

I shall confiscate this.

If you wish to retrieve it, you will find it in Mr. Rumble's office.

There's been far too much laxity on the floor of late. You're all getting very

sloppy. Captain Peacock, I've been over 40 years in various retail outlets and

I've never been called sloppy.

An egg stain on the tie.

What? Three waistcoat buttons undone.

A frayed cuff.

I call that sloppy.

Oh, Mr. Goldberg, I've never heard a senior assistant spoken to like that in

life.

Have I got egg stain on my tie?

Not a big one.

Well, I have to have these three buttons undone on my waistcoat, otherwise I

can't breathe.

What about the frayed cuff?

Well, Mrs Goldberg was going to turn it.

Oh, dear, she has.

I've never known him go on like that. I think there's something wrong with him.

Perhaps he's had another row with Mrs Peacock. You know, like last time, we

threw the custard all over him and made him sleep in the spare room for a week.

Yeah, well, if I was married to Mrs Peacock, I'd sleep in the spare room all

time. He's definitely not well.

His nostrils are all drawn.

Is that bad?

Well, our milkman's horse had drawn nostrils.

You know, one morning, it dropped dead in the shaft.

You're not suggesting that's going to happen to Captain Peacock, are you?

Let me put it this way. If you delivered my milk, I'd order an extra three

pints.

I can reassure you it's not as serious as that.

How do you know what it is?

I just do.

I was told in the strictest confidence yesterday.

Well, you can tell us in the strictest confidence today.

Look, it's a very delicate matter.

Mr. Goldberg, anyone who knows me will tell you that I am not a gossip.

It'll go no further.

I did give my word.

He made you look very small over those spray cuffs. Yeah, true.

And it was very unnecessary to mention that egg stay.

I'd forgotten about that.

Well, apparently, he went down to see Mr Franco in the sports department. He

wanted some jogging shorts.

You know how vain he is.

Well, he would be satisfied until he tried three lots of shorts.

But then during the process, Mr Franco noticed he had a boiled...

A very large boil.

Where?

to boil on his thumb?

Not on his thumb.

Well, I think Captain Peacock's gone mad. I mean, just because I used a felt

-tip pen on me bill pad instead of a biro, he went all up and...

the wrong finger to ring up the two.

And I got a no -sale.

Which finger did you use?

It's immaterial.

When he saw that little red flag, he came charging over to me. He went mad

about five minutes. I thought the veins in his neck were going to burst. They

were standing out like spaghetti junction.

Mind you, having a boil where he's got one, well, it must be painful.

I'm sure we all feel for him. You speak for yourself. This is just...

He's been rotten to me ever since I came here and I've had to take it sitting

down. Well, now you've got your revenge because he can't take anything sitting

down.

Please, please, please.

Keep your voices down.

You don't want this thing to spread.

Why? Is he catching?

Look, will you listen? I told you in the strictest confidence.

Now, please, people can be very sensitive about boils.

So I must ask you, even for my own sake, don't mention anything about it while

he's here.

I won't say a word.

I wouldn't be that cheeky.

What have you got there, Captain B? A

cup of tea.

No, I meant that thing on your arm.

Oh, this.

Yes, yes, it's a rubber ring.

The medical department have had a lot of complaints recently about the poor

quality of rubber, and I volunteered to test it for a few days.

Well, if you're going to test it, you want to treat it a bit rougher than

you know. You want to bounce up everything!

That will come later.

I must say that any resemblance between that and tea is purely coincidental.

That's because they never bring the water to the boil.

There seems to be a lot of hilarity this morning.

I suppose, as usual, I shall be the last one to know what caused it.

It's because I'm reading the paper. It doesn't mean that everybody has to stop

talking. No,

we're having quite a good, amiable chat.

There's a very good article in that paper about the great train robbery.

Oh, yes, I was reading about it in the bus. Standing up.

Yes, it was full as usual.

It's my theory that most of the money finished up in South America.

Yes.

I doubt if they'll ever get to the bottom of it.

I expect they will in the end.

You know, don't you?

You know you're trying to hide your sniggering, Miss Brahms. You know, don't

you? Know what, Captain Beaker?

About my... my misfortune.

How did you find out?

Somebody told me.

Who?

Mrs. Lucas.

Who told you, Mrs. Lucas?

I'm not one to tell tales.

However, since we're all sneaking today, Mr. Lucas.

I knew Mr. Lucas would be in this thing somewhere.

Who told you?

Wild horses wouldn't drag that information from my lips, Captain

will point.

I'm surprised at you, Mr. Goldberg.

I'm surprised at all of you.

Hitherto I had regarded you as my friends.

I'm sure I speak for everybody here, but I'm very sorry to have caused you such

distress. What I want to know now, Mr Goldberg, is who told you?

Well, I was told in the strictest confidence, and I can assure you it'll

further. Your secret is safe with us on the third floor.

Hello, Geoffrey Peacock. Here they're all asking after you in the packing

department.

How's the boil on your bum?

Sorry I was delayed.

Now then, what's all this about, Peacock?

Well, sir, this is a matter of some delicacy.

I'm suffering from a minor but painful indisposition.

Oh, do you mean the boil I heard about in the news?

Yes, sir.

I have a complaint.

Yes, a very nasty one, too, I should say.

No, sir.

I wish to complain.

I've been made a laughingstock throughout the store, owing to a grave

confidence by a member of another department, to wit, Mr Franco of Sports.

Yes, well, come to the point, Peacock. It all occurred in the fitting room, and

everyone knows that the first rule of sales etiquette is that what one sees in

the fitting room is in the strictest confidence.

That's very true.

While I was trying on a pair of jogging shorts...

Mr. Franco became acquainted with my affliction and bandied it about the

Well, obviously, I thought you'd released the news yourself.

I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if it was just us. But when it gets down to the

packing department, that's too much.

I feel most strongly that Mr. Franco should be reprimanded through official

channels and should make a proper apology.

I think he should write it out and put it up on the staff notice board.

I don't think I'll ask him to go that far.

No, there might be one or two people who haven't heard yet.

My first instinct was to go and punch him on the nose.

But because this whole affair brings Grace Brothers into disrepute, I feel it

proper to go through official channels.

I quite agree. I shall phone Mr. Franco at once. Thank you, sir. I mean, I

wouldn't have dreamt of passing it on had I known that the information was

obtained in the fitting room.

Yeah, we never said anything about that big blonde that came in with the

limerick tattooed on her. What was that?

There once was a couple of rockers went out with a bird with big... Ah,

Mr Franco.

Rumble here, third floor. I have Captain Peacock here with me.

Oh, you heard.

Well, he feels that you owe him an apology.

I don't think you should take that line.

He feels very strongly about it.

His first instinct was to come down and punch you on the nose, and he is quite

capable of it. In passing, you might mention that I was the welterweight

-up for the RASC at Mercer Matroon.

He was the welterweight champion of Mercer Matroon.

I assure you he is not bluffing.

Look, he comes from a background where a gentleman takes a person like you down

to the gym, puts on the gloves and gives you a damn good hiding.

Oh, I see.

He accepts the challenge, right?

Five rounds, that's okay with us. Done.

He'll go ten if you like.

Right, very well, then. Saturday afternoon, three o 'clock.

You... Down!

moment, Mrs. Slocum.

Would you sign this bill for me?

But it's blank. You haven't sold anything.

I know.

I just wanted your autograph.

We'd like you to know that we in the ladies' department are very proud of

We think what you're doing is marvellous. Me and Miss Brahms are

quite a different angle.

And what we say is if a man can't stick up for his honour, what can he stick up

for?

Thank you, Mrs. Slocum.

Look at him. He's basking in it.

Well, if I was in his position, I'd like to think that I'd do the same thing.

I wouldn't, but I'd like to think I would.

You know, I used to get into a lot of scraps when I was a lad.

I was known as Gruesome Goldberg, the Goldest Green Gorilla.

Well, they do seem to admire a man who sticks to his principles.

Oh, they admire you? And they're very sorry for you.

Like they admired the Light Brigade.

Only a handful got through, but they admired them.

Mr. Harmon, what are you trying to say?

Word has it that Mr.

Franco is very handy with his dukes.

And when he was in the Navy, he boxed for his ship.

A torpedo boat?

An aircraft carrier.

Mr. Harmon, don't come on the floor in your overalls during working hours.

In that case, I won't tell you about his secret weapon. What secret weapon?

He's got a killer punch in both hands.

May I use your phone, Mr Goldberg? I'd be most honoured, champ.

I'll get the number for you, Captain Peacock.

I'm mad about his aftershave.

And probably splashes it all over.

Mr. Grace, a rather worrying thought has struck me. I hadn't obtained Mr.

Grace's permission, and he may, of course, not allow the fight to proceed.

It's going to take place on Saturday afternoon. He won't know about it.

We won't say anything.

No, but as a matter of principle, I feel I ought to tell him.

I can

only see a bit of the pink from here.

a lot from here.

You're not going to make me rush it?

No, no. Take all the time in the world.

Excuse me, Mr Grace, but Captain Peacock's on the phone for you.

Hello, Peacock.

What's all this I hear about you having a punch -up on Saturday?

Oh, you've heard about it, sir?

Well, I thought it only right to consult you because I felt that you may wish to

ban it.

Ban it?

I'm looking forward to it. I've got a fiver on.

Oh, I hope I don't let you down, sir. Not on you. On the other fellow.

He did very well in the inter -store finals.

Knocked out the heavyweight from Mothercare.

Peacock. Hello, Peacock.

Peacock. Come on, Miss Brahms. Let's get a good ringside seat.

Well, where are the others?

Oh, I don't know. They'll be coming.

That works.

Where's Captain Peacock? Is he still in the fitting room? He hasn't arrived in

the fitting room yet. We haven't seen him since Friday night.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, my hero, I knew you wouldn't let us down.

Thank you, Mrs. Slocum. Of course I wouldn't let you down.

Normally.

What? Well, as a precaution, I went to the doctor for a final check -up, and

before I knew what was happening, he'd injected me with some antibiotics.

What difference does that make?

To my dismay, the doctor pointed out that after taking antibiotics, one

drink or box.

My doctor's never told me that.

Perhaps in your case he thought he wouldn't apply.

Does this mean you can't fight, Peacock?

In a word, I'm afraid so.

Put the honour of the whole department at stake. I mean, I accepted the

challenge. All right, then you go and fight him.

Well, I can't fight, you see, because I wear glasses.

Well, take him off.

If I do that, I can't see.

Well, I hope somebody's going to fight him. I haven't given up my afternoon's

bingo to see a lot of lily -livered fairies.

I would willingly step into the breach if you think a man with one lung and a

truss would be...

We've got a couple younger than you. Yeah, but not in such good condition.

You're always talking big. Now's your chance to show how big you are.

I would.

Were it not for the fact that my poor old mother, for whom the slightest

excitement could prove fatal, made me join this religious sect. Yes, called

Cowards Anonymous.

Very nearly right.

Elliot, the other night I went to the meeting and I rolled up me left trouser

leg and holding a dead chicken in me outstretched hand...

I swore before the eye llama that I would do no violence to any living

animal, vegetable or insect.

Unfortunately, I let it leave with a caterpillar on it and I'm still doing

penance.

What about you, Mr Humphreys?

Oh, I've never boxed in my life.

Now, wrestling, now that's another matter.

I wouldn't have thought you were the wrestling sort.

I was known as Hugger Humphreys.

He had to pull me up, people.

I was the catchest catch -can champion of the Barleymore Road mixed infants.

Well, it's all down to Miss Brahms or Mrs. Slocum. And my money's on the

heavyweight.

Weak of water.

If I was a man, I'd be in there.

You shouldn't have shaved your moustache off then, should you?

We should just have to postpone the match until Captain Peacock is better.

I may be on antibiotics for life.

Ah.

Well, nice to see you, Mr Franco, but I'm afraid we have some bad news.

I think you ought to worry about bad news first.

Due to the size of Mr Franco's hands, the sports department can't get a pair

gloves to fit him.

Ah, chickening out, eh?

I'm not chickening out.

I can preach you in my own hands.

Do you mean wrestling?

Anything you like.

How about catcher's catch, Cam?

That's my favourite.

Unfortunately, I'm only a boxing man.

Can't breathe.

I'm not free.

Oh, yes, you are.

You can't come in here. This is the ladies' fitting room.

Oh, put me down.

No, please.

No, put me down.

Take your trousers off. Oh.

I never thought those words could cause such mixed emotions.

Take your hands off me.

I thought you weren't supposed to harm anything, animal, vegetable or insect.

I didn't say anything about fairy cakes.

I've never seen anything like this since Emmanuel 2.

Take him out. Take his things off.

Oh! You very nearly did.

Hang! Hang on.

Ladies and gentlemen, on the right, Mr Franco from Sports Equipment.

On my left, Mr Wilberforce Claiborne Humphreys of Gents Many Mates.

guide the winner, or the first of the two gentlemen to run away.

Now, I want no unnecessary gouging or kicking with the point of the toe. Oh,

I've never seen anybody so keen.

Right. Any questions?

Yes. Did you get that ribbon from haberdashery?

I want it, twinkle toes.

Right. Go to your corners and come out fighting when I bring the pearl.

Now, remember, Mr. Humphreys, you are standing up for the honour of the whole

department. Well, you tell my legs that.

Are you listening?

I haven't got much choice, have I?

Have you got any grudge against me?

Well, of course not.

I'm sure under other circumstances we could get on quite well.

In that case, All we've got to do is make it look good. I'm entirely in your

hands. Have you ever seen a

flying trot butter?

Not for a couple of weeks, no.

First thing we've got to do is whirl you around my shoulders and slam you onto

the floor.

They call it a propeller.

What am I going to do?

You're going to do an agonising yell.

Oh, I think I can manage that.

with so many people watching.

Now... Now I'm going to show you a Patagonian nose hole.

It looks absolutely ghastly.

Isn't it time I got you into something?

No, no.

They've got to hate me first.

And then when you get your revenge, they're going to love you.

So here we go.

I'm not so keen on you myself.

Let's remember.

What? A Brazilian elbow jab. Oh, that would be nice.