Original subtitles

There we are.

And I do hope the hat gives every satisfaction. I'm sure it will.

Anyway, I said to Mr Rumbold, I said, I don't want to be stood stuck here. I

want to be considered for advancement.

So he put me down.

Do you mean he told you to op it?

No, he put me down on the list.

So if anything comes up in the executive line, I'm in line for it.

If you get promotion, does that mean I'll get your job?

Well, normally they'd give my job to somebody of my age.

What's the matter? You look very depressed.

I was just thinking I might not live that long.

Are you being so, sir?

Which is a silly question, because I can see that you're not.

I'd like a raincoat, please. Yes, raincoat rail, Mr. Looper.

Raincoat rail coming up, Mr. Looper.

Gabardine or plastic, sir?

Plastic, please.

Yes. Now, let me see. You look like a 44 long to me. What colour, sir?

Preferably black. Yes, you can't go wrong with black.

One black plastic mac. Thank you. Would you like to flip this off? Thank you

very much.

These are very useful. They roll up very small and you can carry them in your

little transparent pixie hood.

Do you have a mirror?

Yes, the colour's perfect.

It is a little noisy, though, isn't it?

You know, we've never had that complaint before, have we?

No, we haven't, Mr Humphrey. You see, I don't want to draw attention to myself.

That's if you did it a bit quicker.

No, no, no, the speed is rather critical.

Gabardine will be quieter.

Oh.

One silent Gabardine coming up.

You're probably asking yourself, now, why does this gentleman have such a

specific requirement for a black plastic Mac?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I was asking myself that.

And I told myself it was none of my business.

You see, I work for a big magazine as a photographer.

You know the kind of thing, leaping out on well -known personalities, catching

them in an off -guard moment, as it were.

Look, let me show you this.

Now, there's a remote control button that goes from here through the pocket

the coat.

And all I have to do is to give it the right exposure.

Now watch.

Would you mind doing that again?

My friends call me Candid Cameron.

Well, if you wear this, they'll call you Gabardine Angus.

Oh, that's so much better. Yes, of course.

Sir Humphreys, can you spare a moment?

Certainly, Captain Peter.

What exactly is going on? This gentleman's practising his exposure.

Well, I know it takes all sorts to make a world, but may I suggest that you and

your friend can find such activities to your leisure hours.

The ambulance has just arrived, Mr Rumble, and the stretcher will be up in

couple of seconds.

What do you think it is?

I think it's food poisoning.

As soon as I noticed rissoles on the executive dining room menu, I thought to

myself, I hope we didn't make that at a Wednesday shepherd's pie, because it

wasn't all that cop when it was slinkish here at pot on Tuesday.

They were fish rissoles.

Ah, well, that was Mandy's cod.

I think I've got glands coming up behind my ear.

That's a good job you mention that, because we might never have spotted it.

What's going on?

Ambulance men have got into Mr. Rumble's office.

Oh, whatever's happening, Mr. Harmon?

Mr. Rumble's been taken queer.

Anything I can do.

Have you any idea what caused it?

Wrist holes.

I asked you a perfectly civil question.

Bring him in, please.

Oh, I say.

Oh, what a shame. He's just had his shoes sold anew.

I think he's going into a coma.

Blimey, don't say I had the treacle pudding as well.

We think it's food poisoning.

Poor Mr Rumble.

He doesn't look very good, does he? I had an uncle who had results once and he

went stiff all over.

Was that food poisoning?

No, rigor mortis.

May I say on behalf of the department how sorry we all are and wish you a

recovery, sir.

If you don't come back, we'll treat you like Nelson.

On the spot in the canteen where you fell, we'll have a brass whistle.

Just a moment. Sir, have you set the machinery in motion for a replacement?

That'll be up to young Mr Gray, sir. Or perhaps you'll put in a good word for

me, sir.

Also, I would be most happy to step into your shoes if you wish.

I think the most suitable person to take over in my absence would be... would

be... would be... He was trying to form a name beginning with an S.

What are you talking about? That was his breath escaping.

H.

Humphreys, it's me.

He's shaking his head. It's not you.

No, no, no. No, no, no. No,

no,

no. He's trying to say loosen his tie.

Come on, love.

This is Mrs.

Locum loosening your tie.

Now, can you try and... Point to the one you want to take over from you.

He's pointing to my legs. It's me.

No, he's passed out. It's the sedative I've given him. Come along, bring him

along. We'll take him down while there's service left. Good idea. You can give

him a short service on the way out.

Thank you, Doctor, for letting me know.

It was food poisoning.

Oh, he shouldn't have ate that rissole.

Thank you. Anyone ordering rissoles in our canteen?

The man's a fool to himself.

Well, it does put a lot of strain on you, sir. I mean, you was hoping to go

for a bank holiday.

Will you be able to have it off now, sir?

What did you say?

Will you be able to have it off now?

It's a bit soon after lunch.

Let's do some letters.

Excuse me, Mr. Grace, but the members of the Ladies and Gentlemen Department is

here to ask who you require to take over Mr. Rumble's office.

Oh, very well.

Mr. Grace, we'll see you now.

Any news of our dear colleagues?

Oh, it'll be as right as rain in a couple of weeks.

Have you any idea who's going to take over, Mr. Grace, bearing in mind that I

have applied for promotion on a number of occasions? And bearing in mind that I

have a lifetime's experience.

Ah, yes, well, it's a very important post.

Couldn't have anyone as old as you.

Ah, with all due deference, there is a precedent for someone of great age

holding a position of authority in the store, namely yourself.

There's a great difference between you and me.

In what way?

I own the place, you don't.

Looking for someone with drive, tact, ingenuity, class and charisma. I know

very person, but he's too modest to mention his name, so I'll just point.

I think ladies ought to be given a chance.

Yes, well, you wait till after the bell and you get yours.

Now, I've already made some notes.

It's in Captain Peacock, TVF.

That's too valuable on the floor.

Goldberg. P -I.

Practically irreplaceable? Passed it.

I've got a question mark against Mr.

Humphreys. That's the story of my life.

Miss Brahms, I seem to remember we've got her down, is it possible?

No, that's on the other list, sir.

Oh, I see, yes.

Mrs. Slocum, worth trying in a new position?

Sounds like the other list as well.

get it, I'll throw myself into it, body and soul.

Unless you're going to invest in a reinforced chair, Mr. Grace, I just

for the soul.

I state here and now that I would not submit to any arrangement whereby Mrs.

Slocum was over me. Oh, she won't be over you.

Have I got it? Have I got it?

If she has, I shall resign.

He's got it.

As I was saying, I shall resign myself to my fate.

But I trust that I shall still be in jurisdiction on the floor.

Here, if he's got promotion, does that mean I've got a job? I would like to

point out here and now that Miss Brahms does not have the experience for such a

responsible job. And I say that as head of department.

Without any jurisdiction on the floor.

I suggest that you advertise the vacancy for my post.

Yes. Get on to your friend of the tailor and cutter, Mr Humphreys, and insert an

advertisement.

Wanted crabby old bag to be dragged inside a lady's intimate apartment.

Age indeterminate.

Thank you so much for being so helpful and so quick.

Oh, thank you, Martin. Do call again.

I will. Thank you.

Thank you, ma 'am.

Third sale this morning, Miss Browns. Well, I've got the scope now, haven't I?

No, I mean, I never got a look in when she was here.

Your extra supervisor's frills are most becoming.

Oh, thank you, Captain Peacock.

I say, um, she's a bit late, isn't she? Well, executive staff, or so -called

executive staff, are not expected to be in before 9 .30.

It is now precisely 9 .30.

Creative briefcases are heavy.

Brought your sandwiches with you, then?

Captain Peacock, reprimand your junior, would you?

Mr. Lucas, that was very naughty.

Mrs. Slocum, for you, I'm to wish you luck the first day in your new job.

Nobody deserves it better.

Oh, blue to match my eyes.

I thought they were blue to match your varicose veins.

On any little problem, don't hesitate to ask me.

Mr. Humphreys, if you've quite finished crawling, would you get on with your

duties?

Captain Peacock, a member of the staff is having a conflab with a senior

executive. Kindly don't interrupt.

You're forgetting, Mrs. Slocum, that I'm in charge on this floor, and that

particular member of the staff is under my jurisdiction.

Well, Mr. Grease will have to give a ruling on that point.

Well, in the meantime, if you have anything further to say, Mr. Humphreys,

it and get back to your duties.

I just wanted to say how ladylike Mrs. Slocum looks and how nice and restrained

she is, considering your being so aggravating.

When the candidates for my vacant post arrived, shoo them into my office, would

you? Well, personnel have already informed me that they can't find anyone

remotely interested in taking your position at the ridiculously low wage

receiving.

Well, we'll just have to pay more, then, because Miss Brown certainly isn't

experienced enough to be on her own.

Oh, Cheek, do you know, I've done twice as much business as her over morning,

and I even haven't had coffee yet.

Your talents have been noted and approved, Miss Brown.

Do you know, that was the most terrible exhibition of sucking up to teacher I've

seen since I was a kid at kindergarten.

I always believe in having friends in high places. Is that why you went on

climbing holiday with that steeplejack?

He wasn't a steeplejack, he was a lumberjack, and we went potholing.

You know, he saved my life when I damaged my equipment on a stalagmite.

Were there ones that go up? Well, this one did.

Oh, my own office.

I shall... I've stamped my personality on it.

Should you require an emergency cover, there's an electric kettle in the bottom

left -hand drawer.

What are you doing, Mr Harmon?

I'm removing Mr Rumbold's executive soap, face panel and towel, which is

mandatory for the executive carsey.

You, of course, will be supplying your own.

Well, that is a key.

Oh, yeah, you get the key for the executive carsey from Mr Bancroft,

bookings.

Will you also be requiring Mr Rumble's supplementary supply of meringues? Oh,

yes, they'll come in nice for afternoon tea.

I wonder, I've just brought my little camera, and would you mind taking a

picture of me at my executive desk? Yes, certainly, Mrs Franklin.

Right.

Oh, I can get you, I can get the executive desk, but not both. Could you

down? Hang on a minute. This is going to be a very, very historical picture.

I'll get you the moment you sit.

Right? Right.

There's a note into it.

I'm sure you'll be a big noise in Greece, brother.

Signed, Mr.

Lucas.

Oh, well, one little practical joke I can overlook.

But I shall have to tell him that he's a naughty boy.

Right, who's with and who's without? I'm with. I'm with.

I'm with.

Who with?

You're with, aren't you? No, I've always been without.

And a glass of hot water for you, Mr. Goldberg. Thank you, thank you.

Oh, damn.

I've forgotten my indigestion tablets.

Well, never mind. Just drink the hot water and we'll hoist the gale warnings

over the counter.

No, it's not the same without Mrs.

Slocum. No, it isn't.

It's much more pleasant.

I've got news for you, Mr. Goldberg.

She's managed to persuade Mr. Grace to cough up for a two -piece made -to

-measure executive suit.

And you've got to take some patterns to her office at three o 'clock.

Well, I'm not going.

I'll send my junior.

Too much for the lunch, Mr. Grace.

Perhaps we can continue our discussion on the effects of television on the

retail trade tomorrow.

I wasn't talking about that rubbish. I just said I fancied that bird who did

Turkish delight ads.

And, uh, good day, everybody.

Good day.

How's Miss Brahms getting on? Oh, very well indeed, sir. We don't notice Mrs.

Fulcombe's absence at all.

In fact, the figures are up.

Well, I'm sure that's only temporary.

Anyway, I think I'll join my staff for coffee. I'll see you later, Mr. Green.

Good. Well, you've all done very well.

Thank you.

Miss Brahms, you're sitting in my seat.

No, I'm not. This used to be your seat before you was elevated.

Now I've got your job, I'm sitting here.

You're getting a bit above yourself, Miss Brahms.

And what are you doing with those frills?

Those are supervisor's frills, and you're not entitled until you're

And you're only temporary.

And if you don't move over, I'll make you take them off. You hold your ground.

And you shut your gob.

Mrs. Slocum, I would deem it an honour if you'd have my seat.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Alvarez. I can see you're going to go a long way.

I need hands and knees.

Would you pass the sugar?

The fact that it is one minute to two, time we were all back in the department.

Would you like my spoon, Mrs. Sloan?

Mr. Humphreys!

for me what none at all well if there

are any calls for me make sure you put them straight through

I

must remember to bring a little cake for tomorrow

Nasty.

Hello. Office equipment.

This is Mrs. Slocum, head of gents and ladies apparel.

Could you send me up some green blotting paper, please?

I mean, this pink muck's so common.

You have to supply the pink until it runs out.

Well, when will that be?

1992?

very much.

Miss Gumlosey, please.

Oh, hello, Edna, love.

It's Mrs. Slocum.

I don't know if you've heard, but I've just been made head of men's and ladies'

apparel. And I was wondering, could you possibly send up some samples of

cosmetics and toiletries suitable for the executive washroom?

Oh, no, love, I couldn't possibly come down there. I'm rushed off my feet with

this new department.

Oh, thank you.

I'm much obliged.

I'm sorry I was a bit short with you at the dinner table, but I've been rushed

off my feet.

What have you phoned me for?

Well, I missed our little morning chat, and I was wondering if you'd like to pop

in for a cup of tea. You'll never guess what happened to me and Mrs Axelby last

night. We went to this roller disco.

I haven't got time now. I've got a £3 ,000 for a Coke customer.

But I've saved you a meringue.

And I've got a crocodile handbag waiting.

I see.

Have you taken those frills off your blouse yet?

No. Well, say to it.

Just a moment.

Enter.

Yes, you have my authority to proceed with that order, but I want delivery in

three days or you can forget it.

I'm sorry, that's my last word.

She's a tart, isn't she?

Especially when there's nobody on the other end of the phone. She's still got

her finger on the wrist.

Well, if John Lewis... and make you a better officer, I suggest you get on

it. But don't come running back to me.

Oh, have you come about the suit?

Yes, Mrs. Flokum, I brought the swatch in. Now, may I suggest a nice 16 -ounce

worsted in a charcoal grey? It's very executive.

Yeah, it'll go very nicely with a bowler hat and rolled umbrella.

Sorry, I have to take the measurements, Mr. Lucas. There's no need for comment.

Oh, yes, I like that. And stripes are very slimming, aren't they? Well, let's

put it this way. Have you ever seen a fat zebra?

Why don't we just try this one on for the style?

This one's double bosomed.

Now, what do you think of the effect?

She looks like Rocky Marciano.

Would you be having trousers or a skirt?

Or black stockings and thigh -length boots?

We're going to ignore you, Mr Lucas.

You know, it's a pity you're going to ignore me, because I can tell you a very

good reason why trousers would suit Mr. Clover.

Why's that?

They'll hide your leg.

One more remark from you when you're out.

Shall we settle for this, then, but in the ladies' style?

Yes, that'll do very nicely.

Measurements, Mr. Lucas.

Measurements coming up, Mr. Humphreys.

the 60 -inch tape? Because our stock only goes up to 42.

We'll have to improvise.

Yeah.

42 and a pencil.

Waist?

42 and a rubber.

Hips?

Oh, my God.

There we are.

42 and the week ending October the 5th.

Excuse me. I have to choose my cosmetics and toiletries for the executive powder

room. Oh, well, we'll be off.

Oh, not you, Miss Rutherford. I'd value your opinion.

Tell Captain Peacock I'll be out in a minute. Certainly. I'll tell Captain

Peacock you're helping Mrs. Slocum choose her new kit for the box.

Sorry about that, Mrs. Slocum.

Juniors have no finesse. Oh, yes. It's as common as meth.

Soaps. Can I smell that one?

Oh, yes.

That's a very strong scent.

I sell that to Mr. Davies.

Head of garden furniture.

Oh, yeah.

Is he the one that's always moving his gnomes about?

That's the one.

My mother could do with a gnome.

This has a nice marble finish. So suitable for the environment.

Yes, we must consider the environment. What's the decor?

Well, sort of red plush in our pick.

Well, now, they start at this end at 50 pence, and they go up at this end to six

pounds. I love this one.

One carbolic, 50 pence.

Now we come to the hand towels and flannels. This is your luxury first

Turkish, modestly priced at eight pounds each.

It's tough at the top.

I think that's rather ostentatious.

Oh, I agree.

Alternatively, you have your Egyptian, your Lancashire, your Hong Kong or plain

disposable. We have a luxury disposable made from seaweed and plastic weight,

indistinguishable from the Turkish.

Feels like handpaper.

Oh, yes. I should warn you, don't clean your glasses on them or you'll get

frosted lenses.

How much?

One pound a dozen. Done.

Shall you require a lady's razor?

Yes, she could shave the towels with it.

Certainly not.

I'll have these put on your account.

Silly old bitch.

Fancy cup.

Now then, what's it like being in charge?

Well... Between you and me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. There's nothing

to do and there's nobody to talk to and I miss the customers.

Well, couldn't you come back?

Oh, no, that would be to admit failure and that stuck -up Captain Peake. I

never stop laughing at me.

But I do miss you all.

Well, you'll have to make up your mind quick because two weeks of management

you're automatically out the union. Then you can't come back.

Well, look, if Miss Bronze's figure's dropped... then you could suggest to

Captain Peacock that I'm indispensable. Then I could return with honour.

I'll do me best.

Enter.

Excuse me, Mrs. Fogham. I have to ask you to authorise acceptance of a

customer's cheque.

£3 ,000?

What's that for?

Oh, here's the bill. It's a fur coat just sold by Miss Browns. Probably a

in the pan.

Would you sign this one too, a crocodile handbag, £340?

You what?

And that set of aquamarine costume jewellery that you say you'd never shift

month of Sundays, £239, making £3 ,579 in all.

Thank you.

You know, it's not going to be easy for me to convince Captain Peacock that

you're indispensable.

Well, I can't resign.

Oh.

Flugel.

Rumbold here.

It's Mr. Rumbold. Just a moment, Mr. Rumbold.

How are you? Are you fit to come back?

No, I shall be at least another couple of weeks. Oh, dear.

Now, pay attention.

They've analysed the canteen Risseau.

And it wasn't that that poisoned me.

Well, what was it then?

Well, my wife made some meringues.

And it seems the cream... ...acted as host to a rather unusual bug.

I took three of them to work. I ate one of them. And there are two... There are

two meringues still in the top left -hand drawer of my desk.

Don't touch them yourself.

Get Harmon to...

a plastic bag and after that to throw them into the furnace.

Oh,

such

a pity when you had your foot in the first rung of the management ladder.

Does this mean that I'll have to come back behind the counter?

To be realistic, I'm afraid it does.

It's been no funnier without you to nag me. Hurry up and get well and come back.

Yes, but not before Mr. Rumbold.

How are you feeling, Mrs. Slocum?

Well, put it this way.

Me tummy's in turmoil, but me mind's at peace.

Lou! Lou!

Lou! Lou! She's trying to say Lucas!

No, I'm not.

I want to go to the Lou!