Original subtitles

First floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods. Waste and haberdashery.

Kitchenware and food.

First floor

telecoms, just ready -made food. That's a genuine hard -wearing, Barathea. How

much is it again? It's £120, sir.

Now, I know you may think that's expensive, but let me point out one or

details. Hand -stitched lapels.

The last two buttons on the cups are fully operational. You wouldn't get that

a cheap jacket, would you, Mr. Lucas? No, you wouldn't, Mr. Humphries. The

buttons were just stitched on.

Out of the back, look.

Very snug at the back, sir, but you've got such broad shoulders.

How about a pine -paisley scarf to go round the neck? How much is it?

Fourteen pounds.

Let's look.

Yes, that does set off the neck, doesn't it, Mr. Lucas? Oh, yes, it does, Mr.

Humphreys, and the hand stitching, and the buttons on the cuff. Thank you, Mr.

Lucas. It looks rather nice. How much is that? Oh, that's our special offer,

sir. Three pounds twenty, genuine wooden ash.

I like it.

Ah, good morning, sir.

I'm sorry I wasn't here to attend to you myself.

I've just been to the cloakroom.

May I say, sir, how much that jacket suits you?

Oh, it's an exemplary fit.

Congratulations, Mr. Albury. Thank you, Mr. Goldberg. The gentleman's also

taking the pine paisley scarf.

And the ash walking stick.

Oh, I should say the ash walking stick would be more suitable with a tweed

jacket. Now, this one, for example. Now, I do like that. You like it? There you

are. Try it on, sir. Thank you.

There we are.

This is a special offer, sir. This is 140 pounds.

You can buy the cotton wool to start. I've seen them on the ground floor.

Miss Barnes.

Yes, Captain Peacock. There's still no sign of Mrs. Flocke. Well, she said she

might be late this morning on account of she's shifting her flat.

You should have given her the day off like she asked.

She's going to be in a right state when she gets there.

Good morning, Captain Peacock.

Oh,

pussy, do be a good girl.

I see you followed the van with your old cock lidded.

I was lucky to get a van at all with these lightning transport strikes.

Mrs. Slocum, there is a strict rule that staff may not bring pets to the stall.

Well, you know how clumsy those removal men are. I'm not having them handling my

pussy.

And if you take my advice, you'll keep away yourself.

She's in a very disturbed state.

I happen to be very good with animals.

Hello, little pussy.

Well,

I did warn you.

You bit me.

Well, she hasn't got her breakfast yet.

I suggest you put your menagerie out of sight and keep it there. Oh, Miss

Brahms, would you take them into the fitting room?

Don't be frightened, little pussy. It's only your auntie Shirley.

Oh!

Oh!

Must have taken a weight off your mind to have completed your removal.

What do you mean completed it? All I've done is see the stuff on the van.

All they've got to do is dump it. I'm the one that's got to sort it all out. I

should have had three days off for this.

Believe me, I tried, but Mr Rumble wouldn't hear of it.

Ladies intimate apparel.

I said ladies intimate apparel. All right, then knickers and knocker come.

Miss Luke, I'm your supervisor.

May I be of any assistance?

Mr. Armstrong?

Oh, it's the van driver.

I've got what?

I've got squatters in me new flat.

Well,

I mean, they can't. They can't squat on me. I mean, they've got to squat on

people who live in council flats and millionaires.

Well, what am I going to do with all me furniture?

That wasn't a very helpful suggestion.

No, I can't take it back to the old flat. The other people will have moved

now.

I know. Can we leave it on the van?

It's got another job at lunchtime.

Well, you'll just have to give me a minute to think.

Look, tell me your telephone number and then I can ring you back.

Right, I've got it.

had a word with Mr. Grace, and in view of your predicament, he is prepared to

help. And so I should hope. If I'd had the day off, I could have been in time

and stopped this.

Well, all you had to do was ask. I did, through Captain Peacock.

You remember I made the suggestion in the washroom, sir.

Yes. Well, I couldn't hear very well through the door.

Anyway, you should know by now that I close my ears to suggestions in the

washroom. LAUGHTER

of the mix -up, young Mr. Grace has agreed that you may store your effects

Department 5B, which is on the top floor.

It's vacant at the moment, pending refurbishment.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Rumbled. I'm very grateful.

Well, the contractors don't start work for a couple of weeks, so that should

give you time to get yourself sorted out. Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr.

Rumbled.

Well, although we're a large organisation, we top executives do have

yes, I can see that.

Well, I must tell the van driver where to deliver.

May I use your phone?

Certainly not. Use the call box by the lift.

Oh, Mr Lucas, may I have that piece of chicken you've left on your plate for my

pussy? Certainly.

Not with your fingers, Mr Lucas.

She's very particular.

Would your little companion like the head of my sardine?

No, thank you. She has very few teeth left.

And her poor gums can't crunch the skulls.

That's why Mr. Goldberg didn't eat it.

How long is it going to take you to get rid of these squatters?

I don't know.

Well, where are you going to sleep tonight?

Well, I suppose I shall just have to go to an hotel.

Unless,

of course, one of my friends...

offers me accommodation.

Well, of course.

I'd help anybody out if they were stuck.

I'd like to ask you to my place, Mrs. Slocum. Oh, thank you, Captain Peacock,

indeed.

Unfortunately, my wife is away visiting her sister, so we'd be alone in the

house and there might be a lot of talk.

From all accounts, that's all there would be.

I have a spare room.

Thank you, Mr.

Goldberg.

But unfortunately, last night the cold water tank sprang a leak which brought

down the ceiling all over the bed, taking with it the wiring which

the springs.

You never mentioned that this morning.

Well, it slipped my memory until this very minute.

Unfortunately, we haven't got a spare bed, but if you're really desperate,

Flocombe, you could always come and snuggle up with me. I don't think so,

Lucas.

If you're worried you couldn't control yourself, I could always put a bolster

down the middle.

I don't think my being homeless is a subject for duking. I quite agree, Mrs.

Flocombe. Oh, Mr.

Humphreys, I knew that you'd be sympathetic.

What a pity I've got those three Pakistani nuns staying.

Not only have they got the spare room, but they're on the sofa as well.

You didn't mention that this morning, Mr Humphreys. No, I forgot it while you

were forgetting your sailing.

Which leaves you, Miss Browns.

Oh, well, I don't think I ever mentioned it, but my brother's a rugby player.

You never even mentioned your other brother.

Well, anyway, it's team...

to be ready for the bus.

You see, they usually go on the train, but with all the sudden strikes, they

didn't want to take the risk.

So anyway, that means we've got big, hairy, beer -drinking men in every room.

Ah, well, I've got the answer to that. Why don't you and Mrs. Slocum go and

Mr. Humphrey's bed and he can have yours?

I can just picture it brought down by a flying tackle as I take my teddy to the

bathroom.

Excuse me, Mrs. Slocum, your goods and chattels have just arrived and it's on

the way up on the goods lift.

Our men have been working right through to lunchtime, so if you could see them

right with money... Oh, yes. I'd better go and supervise.

The terrible thing to have happen at her time of life.

I don't think you showed up very well as friends.

I rather feel that mine was the only genuine excuse.

What are you talking about? We really have got 15 rugby players day and night.

Mine was nearly true. I mean, there will be nuns by the time we get to the fancy

dress party.

What are you going as? Well, I'm not sure. I discussed it with them. I might

as the Pope.

But I won't know for certain till I get to the end of our road and see whether

there's black or white smoke coming out my chimney.

Thank you, madam. If you want to change the garment, just bring it back with the

receipt. Oh, well, thank you.

Mrs. Snowcombe, you've been about two hours. It really isn't good enough.

I have to sort me things out.

Have you found anywhere to stay yet?

No, but I've had a marvellous idea.

There's plenty of room. I'm going to stay in me flat.

You haven't got a flat.

Oh, yes, I have. There's lots of room on that floor.

So, instead of piling me things up, I've set them all out just like they were at

home. There's everything up there. Water, gas, plugs.

It's self -contained.

Do you mean you're going to stay here in the store?

Why not?

What do you think, they'll let you?

I'm going to ask Mr. Grace personally. All you've got to do is flutter your

eyelashes and cross your legs. And he's like 40.

Well, at his age, he's like Patty all the time.

Still, if you're going to try fluttering your eyelashes, you'd better have these

clear parts or extra long deloops.

to have to wake you.

So I hope it's important.

I was in the middle of a very nice dream.

You look very good in a girl guide's uniform.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Grace.

Mrs. Slocum would like a word with you now.

Oh, very well. Tell her I'll give her a few moments.

Oh,

and Mr. Grace will see you now, Mrs. Slocum.

It's very good of you to see me, Mr. Grace, when you're so busy.

Not at all. Please sit down.

Well, what can I do for you?

Are you not obliged, I see?

No, Mr. Grace, you don't understand.

It's not that what I came for.

Good, because I wasn't going to give you one.

No, I want permission to sleep on your premises.

You're very determined about this rise, aren't you?

Oh, very well. You can bring one small bag and your nightie and you'll have to

go very early in the morning before the servants come.

No, Mr Grace, you don't understand.

There you are, little sweetheart.

Isn't it nice to be back in your usual corner?

Oh, Bussy, it's lovely to be at home again.

There you are. I've wired you up to the juice and I've connected the gas stove

so you can boil a kettle.

Oh, thank you, Mr Harmon. Well, I seem to have everything except a front door.

Oh, hang about.

Warwick? Hello?

Get down with that wall unit, will you?

Let's have it over here.

The leftover from Grace's brother's ideal home display.

To me, can you manage?

Yeah. Or shall I fetch up to you a bowl to give you a hand?

You can manage, can you?

Oh,

isn't that lovely?

Now I've got somewhere to put me do -a -mat.

There's somewhere to put the cat out as well.

How many pints of milk do you want in the morning?

don't deliver up here, do they?

I'll fetch it up from the canteen for you. Oh, Mr Harmon, that is good of you.

I'll be off then. Well, I'll just see you out. Bye -bye. Bye -bye.

Yes?

I've forgotten to plug in the phone.

Can you do that?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I can give you an outside line or an internal one.

It's a very nice place you've got here, isn't it?

Oh, and it's ever so easy to run.

Must be worth a bit, being detached.

Oh, ever can that be? I didn't give anybody my number.

Mrs. Slocum's residence.

Arm and a butler here.

Yes, Mr.

Rumbolt for you.

Hello.

Mrs. Slocum, I am quite aware that young Mr. Grace gave you a tea break so that

you could arrange your domestic affairs, but I have called staff meeting here in

my office.

If you could be here, I'd appreciate it. Certainly, Mr Rumbled.

We'd better hurry. It sounds right ratty.

Are we all assembled?

Except Mrs Slocum, who's been absent for most of the day.

Telltale tit.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

Was it necessary to wear your hat and coat to come down from the fifth floor?

It's very chilly in the good lift.

I hope this isn't going to take long. I've left my front door on the latch.

Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you, but the train drivers are going out on

strike. And the bus drivers are probably going out in sympathy.

Well, it's nice to know they've got sympathy for someone.

Be that as it may, young Mr. Grace has agreed to close the store early to

you all to get home before everything shuts down.

That's very generous of him, sir. May we thank him personally?

I'm afraid he went home half an hour ago.

Your taxi is here, Mr Rumble.

Oh, thank you very much. Well, good luck, everybody.

Mr Rumble, are you going my way?

I'm sure you'd be the first to know if he was.

And I've only got to go upstairs to my flat, put the kettle on and have a nice

cup of tea in front of the fire with my puppy.

Isn't it lucky that none of my friends have the problem of giving me

accommodation?

Oh!

Humphrey. But I'm in my nightie.

I can see that.

Oh, just a minute then.

Thank you very much.

Well, then.

Would you like to come into the parlour? Oh, I say.

Well, now.

What brings you to these parts?

Well, I got on the bus and we'd only gone about 200 yards and the conductor

became very sympathetic and said to us, get off.

So I thought, well, I'll just pop in and see Mrs. Slocum before I start my long,

long 15 -mile lonely walk home.

Well, I suppose you could always use my spare room. On the other hand, of

course, there might be talk.

I don't think so. Not in my case.

Go on, then. Put your feet up. I'll make you a nice cup of tea. Do you know,

that's just what I could do with.

You're quite different, aren't you, when you're at home to when you're in the

store?

Behind your counter, you look so stern.

Here at home, you're all feminine.

left make -up at home.

Well, one does.

Can I give you a hand?

No, there's no need.

Oh, I don't mind. I'd like to see your kitchen. Oh, well, come on, then.

Oh, what a lovely view.

Yes.

I love the continent.

Very compact, isn't it?

Well, there's only me.

Since Mr. Slocum was taken.

Was it very sudden?

Oh, there was no warning at all.

The fraud squad came at eight o 'clock in the morning.

Well, while the kettle's boiling, I'll just show you to your room.

Do you mind leading the way? I've forgotten where the door is.

This way.

That's the guest toilet, only it's not connected at all. Very cold.

Yes, I had a brush salesman staying here. He used to spend hours in there

planning his campaigns.

It's got a history, then.

Well, this is your little room.

It has a half -queen -sized bed.

Better than no queen at all.

Do you sleep as nature intended?

Mrs. Slocum, I've never done anything as nature intended.

No, I mean, do you sleep in the all together?

Why do you ask?

I've got some pyjamas there. Oh, you've entertained a gentleman visitor before.

These belong to the Brussels men.

Yes, I can see that by the bristles.

That's the jacket.

He was a very big man.

On top, yes.

She's made, and there's a little telly in this cupboard.

Oh, I'll just switch your blanket on. There, he'll take the chill off for you.

Mrs. Slocum, you certainly know how to look after a person.

Well, it's nice to have somebody to care for.

You seem to enjoy it. I bet your mother does, too.

She says it's time I left home.

Well, just for tonight, you are.

Yeah, the way the bosses are going, it might be a week.

Oh, a whole week together.

Come to think of it, it might not be a bad thing.

Do you know, I was clearing out our attic at home the other day and I found

old calendar called the Week of Love.

It said Monday for meeting, Tuesday for talking, Wednesday for wishing,

Thursday for touching, Friday for some reason had been torn out.

Mr Humphreys, I want you to put yourself completely in my hands.

Mrs Slocum, if you're thinking what I think you're thinking, it's not going to

be easy for you.

Just pretend you're on a camping holiday with a friend.

That wasn't the best suggestion you could make.

Here we are.

Oh, this is nice.

What a lovely bedspread.

Those bristles get everywhere.

Now, just try that bed. It's ever so comfy.

Oh, yes.

It's got a lot of life in it.

There's a lot of life in me as well.

Me mother.

I'll get rid of him. Oh, it's all right. I haven't read this one.

Who is it?

Captain Peacock.

Well, I'm in my night attire.

You'll have to wait a minute until I find me dressing gown.

Is it a checked one? Yes.

It's hanging on the hat stand.

I'm, uh...

I'm sorry to disturb you, but the strike has hit the underground and all the

buses have stopped.

Aren't you afraid there might be talk?

As long as that's all there is.

Oh, come in.

Wipe your feet.

I thought rather than prowl the streets looking for a hotel, I'd borrow your

sofa.

Oh, you've put me to the post.

You're going to have the spare room. It's down there.

You're very hospitable, Mrs. Snooker.

Oh, it looks rather cosy.

I thought you were going to give me the spare room.

You've forgotten, Mr. Humphreys. Your accommodation has been taken care of.

Captain Peacock might see.

Not when the lights are out, he won't.

This will do nicely.

I've had a sandwich, so you needn't bother about supper.

I wasn't going to.

Well, if it's all the same to you, I'll turn in.

Oh, well, hurry up, then. The sooner the better.

Sleep well.

All right, I'm coming, I'm coming. Who is it?

It's me, Lucas.

Come in, wipe your feet.

I know.

You can't get home when you want to spend the night.

Well, fate does seem to have thrown us together, Mrs. Slocum. Oh, no, it

You can sleep in the spare room with Captain Peacock.

That's all right. I'll sleep on the sofa.

Second thoughts, I'll sleep with Captain Peacock.

I haven't eaten all day. I suppose a bacon and egg is out of the question.

How did you guess?

I thought it might have been. I'll just lie down and have a quiet rumble.

as soon as they drop off you can creep into my room

come in it's open

we couldn't get home we wondered

if you could give us shelter for tonight come in and wipe your feet

I don't know where you're going to sleep.

I mean, Captain Peacock and Mr. Lucas are in the spare room and Mr. Humphreys

on the sofa.

I'll go with Peacock.

Lucas, you're sleeping on the floor.

It's marvellous, isn't it?

I'll sleep in the bath.

After 25 years of marriage, one gets the knack.

Now, See, if we put these two chairs together, Mr. Lucas can sleep across

No, he can't. I mean, if he does that, he'll see that you're not on the sofa.

But I am on the sofa.

Yes, but you won't be when everybody's gone to sleep.

We might arouse somebody's suspicion.

At this rate, we'll be lucky if we arouse anything.

this be?

With any luck, it'll be the brush salesman.

Don't tell me you can't get home and you've come to spend the night.

Well, I don't want to put you out.

Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put you out because I've got all the

in here and there's no more room.

Well, I don't mind sharing your bed.

Well, it doesn't happen to be convenient.

Oh?

again. I've had four proposals between here and the bus stop and they wasn't

married.

Go on and get him.

I've got to share with Miss Browns.

Oh, I see.

Are you disappointed or relieved?

I'm neither one way or the other.

I'm afraid that's the way you're still going to be in the morning.

Oh, well.

Good night, chicken.

I hope you don't snore.

Mr.

Humphreys, leave my pussy alone!