Original subtitles

There we are, madam. One disco fever dancing skirt and one pair of

tights. Oh, and I wonder if I could interest you in a pair of these, Miss

Bronze.

a different note.

So if you lose your partner in the dark, all you've got to do is shake it about

and he'll find you by your tingles.

That'll do, Miss Brown.

Are you being served, madam?

No, not at the moment. I'm looking for a dressing gown for my husband.

Mr. Goldberg, are you free?

I'm sorry, Captain Peaker, I'm just stretching a bowler for this customer.

May I help you, madam?

No, Mr. Lucas.

I have not called you forward. Now get back to your counter.

Sir.

Humphreys, are you free?

I'm free.

This lady requires a dressing gown for her husband.

What did madam have in mind?

Well, it's our wedding anniversary.

Robes, please, Mr. Lucas.

Excuse me. Captain Peacock, am I senior enough to assist Mr. Humphreys?

If Miss Humphreys wishes for your assistance, he may have it. Do you wish

assistance, Mr. Humphreys? I think you'd be invaluable, Mr. Lucas. Then you may

have it, Mr. Humphreys. Right there!

This is our full range, madam.

How tall is the lucky gentleman?

Oh, he's about your size.

He's not all that lucky, then, is he?

What lengths did you have in mind?

Yes, we have knee -high, thigh -high, and eye -eye.

No, I like them round my ankles.

I expect your husband does as well.

They all look very nice, but I'm never quite sure what men like.

No, it is a bit of a puzzle sometimes.

Speaking as a man, which do you think?

Well, I would say... This is a rather nice one.

We also have some fun slogans, madam, which you can have embroidered on the

at very short notice.

Thank you.

These are very popular with honeymoon couples. You can have, I did it my way.

Anything you can do, I can do better.

Here's my husband.

Well, we've got just the one for him, haven't we, Mr. Humphrey? We have.

things mean a lot.

If you don't mind, I'll think about it. Certainly, madam.

Just let me know when you're finished.

I think I'd rather decide at home, if you don't mind.

Why, certainly.

Only don't be too long. The price may go up on Wednesday.

Ooh, I... I hate people like that wasting my time.

I know. We was having ever such a nice gossip till she come in.

I don't know about these, though. I don't think we'll sell many. I mean,

sort of person's going to buy them?

Well, possibly someone who's going to a dance tonight at the social club and

wishes to create a stir.

You don't mean...

but nice to have friends to rely upon.

You must have friends. Mr Harmon, take that chair away.

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock, but the order to put that chair there was given

by an eye authority.

Mr Rumble? No, not Mr Rumble, and I do not have to tell you to whom it was. Mr

Harmon, I will not have you speaking to me like that in front of the staff.

It's too late now.

They've heard.

For the last time, I'm instructing you to tell me who ordered you to put that

chair there.

You're getting like the Gestapo, you is. Really like the Gestapo. I mean to say,

when we come into power, I will be the one who asks the questions.

And you'd better get some good answers ready.

Captain Peacock. Not when I am at Morishy, Mr Harmon.

In that case, Mr Harmon, I shall report this incident and deal with the matter

myself.

Captain Peacock, have you gone mad? You did that deliberately.

Quite right, sir. I was a witness. He tried to assassinate the founder of the

store.

I can't apologise enough, sir. I had no idea it was for you. You only had to ask

me nicely, and I would have told you.

These kind of pranks are very dangerous, Peacock.

Yes, I think a very severe reprimand, sir. Oh, reprimand's not enough.

No, quite right. An assassination attempt deserves a sack.

Perhaps we should take away a privilege, sir.

That's a very good idea, yes, sir.

Remove his flower.

About time he was deflowered.

Certainly, sir.

One moment, Mr. Humboldt. I must protest.

I pay for this flower out of my own pocket, as I do every morning.

Captain Peacock, although you pay for the flower yourself, it is a privilege

you to wear it on the floor. I am therefore removing that privilege.

Excuse me, sir. You came down here to tell them about the health scheme.

Health scheme?

The one we worked out in the office, sir. Shall I tell them of the latest

developments? Oh, yes, you'd better. I'll make a mess of it.

Oh, I wish you'd get on. My leg's gone to sleep.

What was that?

Mrs. Slocum's tingling knickers.

They're for discos.

My girls, they're very fond of them.

I bought a pair. I use it as a burglar alarm.

Go on, shake it about then.

I can't hear anything.

Neither can I. Do you think somebody broke in when I wasn't looking?

May we return to the subject of this meeting?

Yes. Grace Brothers have worked out a pension bonus scheme which will give you

all a lump sum on retirement.

The amount will vary according to your age now, but I can give you some

examples. Mr. Rumble, I hope you're not going to divulge our ages in public.

I wouldn't be so indiscreet, Mrs. Slocum.

But, of course, the younger ones will fare best.

Now, Mr. Lucas and Miss Brahms will qualify for the full amount of 3 ,000

pounds. Mr. Humphreys, 2 ,100.

Captain Peacock is the next youngest and will receive 1 ,700.

Mrs. Slocum is next. Oh, where's that figure?

Oh, Mrs. Slocum, I wonder how much you're going to get.

Well, there's not all that much difference between Captain Peacock and

age -wise.

Yes.

Captain Peacock, 1 ,700.

Mrs. Slocum, 700.

Mr.

Goldberg, £21 .52.

Provided he lasts till the end of the week.

Well, now.

Grace Brothers are paying for this scheme, providing, of course, you pass

medical examination, which will be in two weeks' time. May I say this is a

generous gesture on your part, sir? I knew he'd say something pompous like

On the other hand, if you don't pass the medical examination, you will have to

pay for the scheme yourself, or, of course, not take part in it at all.

Mr. Rumbold, may one inquire who will be the examining doctor?

Oh, Mr. Grace's personal physician, who is not only highly regarded as a

diagnostician, but who also happens to be homeopathic. Oh, there's something to

look forward to.

Just cabbage.

You've not become a vegetarian, have you?

I intend to get a clean bill of health at the medical examination.

And too much meat gives you blood pressure.

If you get through all that cabbage, you'll have more pressure than you can

handle.

Well, I read somewhere that you are what you eat.

Just how long have you been eating sour grapes and ugly fruit?

About as long as you've been eating sheep's brains and pig's eggs.

Now, now, now, now, now, now.

Arguments can bring on acid indigestion.

And we all want to be fit for that medical. Yes, you're quite right,

Peacock. Just think, when I'm 65, I shall get 3 ,000 quid.

If I'm lucky, that'll be enough to buy a wheelchair and a pair of crutches.

Isn't it amazing how these youngsters think?

Once you're over 60, you're only fit for the scrappy.

Well, I'm over 60, and I still keep going.

Not for so long, but I still keep going.

You know, I wasn't at my best when I was 25.

I took this yoga class.

After two weeks, I could put me ankles behind me head and walk round on me

hands.

I remember thinking that'll come in useful one day.

Did it?

Well, when you're standing at the bus stop like that, you soon get to the

of the queue.

What happens if you leave Brace Brothers before you're 65?

Do you get a refund?

Are you thinking of leaving, Miss Browns? Oh. With any luck, I'm not going

spend the rest of my life in this stump.

Yes, you might be going to be hearing wedding bells.

Oh, is she thinking of taking digs near the church, then?

Some people do ask girls to marry them.

It's not all men who are only after a quick fumble by the fire exit.

Oh, that's where you take them.

Everything you say is full of innuendo and double entendre.

You've been watching Mastermind again.

I suggest that we need an intensive course to get as fit as we possibly can

that medical. Yeah.

And I intend to get up early every morning and go jogging. And with a bit

luck, I'll get Mrs Goldberg at it as well.

I should do one thing at a time if I... What we need is to go to a gymnasium

with an instructor and have a proper course.

That could be expensive.

I mean, some of those courses cost about £60.

Yeah, and as I'm only getting £21 .52, I'll be on a dead duck.

Dancer's a bit.

Well, what's that got to do with it?

Well, I've got a friend who's a dancer. They'd probably give us a class for next

to nothing.

Well, what sort of dancing does he do? What makes you think it's a thing?

My friend's a lady ballet dancer.

I don't want to be a ballet dancer.

Well, you're not going to be.

But they do some marvellous exercises.

That's what gives them the big muscles.

Yeah, I did ballet once. It's like keep fit to music. And you have to put your

leg up on the bar.

Oh, well, Mrs. Slocum's already trained for that at the local.

How much would your friend charge?

Oh, not very much. I did her a favour once.

May one ask what?

I showed her something that altered her whole life.

What was that?

Well, let me put it this way. She can't half get to the front of the bus queue

quick.

Oh. Drink? through there, take the fourth door on the right. The gentleman

the bedding department have already got their clothes off and they're waiting

for you.

Who was that?

That's the doctor. What's doing the examining?

When's your turn?

Next week. This doesn't leave us much time. Come on.

She's homeopathic. Oh, thanks for reminding me.

All right, miss, I've got the practice bar in place.

I'll put a piano over there, and Mr Gillespie from the music department is

to play for us. Ah, thank you.

you, aren't you? Mr. Lucas?

I am

the Fairy Queen, and now I must retire.

I would away, but no one's pulled my wire.

Stop fooling about, Mr. Lucas. Come and do up my shoes.

actually. I was just thinking it's about time Arsenal got a couple of new

fullbacks.

If your race was dynamite, you still wouldn't have enough to blow your ears

Personally, I'm still convinced that we should have worn

tracksuits. Yes, well...

It would have cost another eight pounds, and young Mr. Grace was reluctant to go

to those lengths.

I must say, I'm reluctant to go to these lengths.

Are we all gathered?

Yes, except...

Aftershave.

Darling. Oh, darling.

Do you remember when we last met? Oh, it's all coming back to me.

You were in Swan Lake. It seems like only yesterday.

Om -ching, om -ching, om -ching, om -ching. Bom -bom -bom -bom -biddle -bom.

Bom -bom -bom -bom -biddle -bom -bom.

are finished, can the chorus join in?

Oh, yes, of course. Take your place at the bar.

Sir Lucas, this is not your bar. That is your bar.

What's the difference?

This one is for management only.

I've been thrown out of better bars than this.

Right, everybody in fifth position.

What's that?

I know what the fifth position is. I thought you might.

Like this, look.

there as usual.

I'm afraid the dressing gowns haven't come back from the laundry yet. I'm

that way. I'll see what's happened.

Come in, please.

Thank you.

Where's the doctor?

She'll be back in a jiffy.

There's a cupboard there. Take your clothes off.

Oh, I'll go first.

supposed to put your clothes in the cupboard, not yourself.

I can't undress in the open.

I didn't do that in front of Mrs. Goldberg until we were married 25 years.

What did she say?

She said, isn't it funny what things you see when you haven't got a gun?

If you're shy, you can go behind the screen.

We're shy.

When I was in the army, we had to strip off in the barracks all the time.

I suspect that's where the expression came from, barrack naked.

My brother goes to one of those nudist colonies.

Nobody's allowed to wear a stitch except the chef.

And he wears a metal apron when he's chopping parsley.

Right, now, just take all your clothes and put them in the cupboard.

The nerves get behind it.

I'm not turning her face the other way.

Hurry up, hurry up. The nurse will be back in a minute.

Where's she gone?

She's gone to get us some hangers.

with the dressing gowns.

Well, if you're embarrassed, we'll talk about something totally unconnected with

our present situation.

Yeah.

Sooner the better.

Mrs.

Goldberg is cooking a hot pot for supper tonight.

That's very interesting.

Yes, well, I mentioned it because I promised to buy the vegetables in the

department.

What are you getting?

Frozen sprouts.

Too hard a turn?

Is this where we see the doctor?

Yes, but she's not here yet.

I'm sure there are not supposed to be two sexes in the same room at once.

Why not? There were two sexes.

She hasn't looked behind the screen yet.

Shall we have a peek?

Well, we're not likely to get another opportunity.

Keep away, Mrs. Rupert. Did you hear what he said? Keep away, that's an

Oh, you're all talk when you've got your trousers on, but now you're losing your

bottle.

Captain Peacock, I have less to lose than most of you, but I don't think we

should stand here and be insulted.

I quite agree, Mr. Humphreys. Right. Squad, let's...

report on your office furniture.

You wanted to insure it.

And you do have some lovely antiques here, don't you, sir?

What do you mean, antiques?

They were all new when I first came here.

Is everybody here?

Right, line up in order of seniority.

Thank you.

Pull your skirt down.

Well, how did you get on, Mr Gobo?

Well, the doctor shook her head a lot.

She nodded at me.

They never tell you nothing, do they?

She said I was in very good shape for a man of 70.

Well, that should have made you happy.

It didn't. I'm 63.

I think she's got something wrong with her teeth.

She was going... Well,

you've got nothing to worry about, friends.

Isn't it, Alfred?

Blimey, the lost tribe.

I'm in here, sir, with the report you requested.

You're coming.

That'll be our medical report.

We shall do no such thing, Mr. Lucas.

On the other hand, if we should overhear, well, that's another matter.

I can't find the spectacles. You read it.

Yes.

Now, this is the oldest.

The bow front with the short legs.

That'll be you, Mr Goldberg.

I want to hear.

The top's in very good condition.

A bit of dry rot in the legs.

And the knob's going to fall off.

What about that pretty little piece?

Well, that must be you, Miss Brown.

Well, it certainly won't be you.

Outwardly, in very good condition.

Unfortunately, he's got a screw loose.

Look, the knockers aren't genuine.

I mean, shake!

That brings me to this one here.

Oh, the big chest.

Once used by a lot of soldiers.

odd things found in the drawers.

But once removed, you could plainly see the ravages of time.

Oh, and there's rising damp in the bottom.

Now we come to the poof.

Outwardly, in very good condition, a bit older than it looks.

A bit saggy in the middle.

Probably worth hanging on to if you're prepared to have it stuffed.