Original subtitles

Oh, I hope he's doing the right thing.

Well, he could have stayed another five years, but that would only increase his

pension by a pound a week.

Which at the present going rate would only have bought him three loaves of

bread. I think he was fat enough already.

Oh, look, he's left his farewell cake.

Oh, look, he's left his teeth marks in it.

Isn't it marvellous?

Sixty years' faithful service and the only sign that he's passed this way are

his teeth marks in a bun.

That's what you think, doesn't it?

When you go, Mr Humphreys, what do you think you'll leave behind?

I haven't really thought.

I expect my aftershave will linger on my bill pad for a couple of sales.

After that, nothing.

Oh, what a depressing conversation.

Yes, I agree, and it isn't like that. It isn't just teeth marks in a cake.

Think of all the happy memories he left behind.

Yes, let's each think of a happy memory.

Well, what sort of a memory?

Well, anything that he did or said that was unforgettable.

Who? The old assistant we'd just given this farewell party for.

Ah, Owen.

He never said anything unforgettable.

Oh, he must have done.

Well, if he did, I'm damned if I can remember it.

I remember something.

Good, you see. When you try, it all comes flooding back.

What was it?

He used to shovel his custard up like a bucket dredger.

Well, that's awful.

Here, who do you think's going to get the job?

Well, names have been mentioned on the sixth floor.

Whose? I'm not at liberty to tell.

You mean you don't know?

As senior management, of course I know.

Well, if you don't tell us who it is, we'll never know whether you knew or

will we?

Very well.

But you must treat this as strictly confidential.

They're going to advertise for a new man.

Well, that's the limit.

I've been here 16 years, man and boy.

Mostly boy.

At least you'd think they'd have the courtesy to pay me the compliment of

considering me. Yes, instead of casting you aside like a wrinkled old tomato if

I'm going mouldy at the back of the fridge. Oh, Mr. Lucas, there must be

something else that's cast aside that's more attractive than that.

Mr. Humphreys, the post they're advertising is the junior.

He can't do that. I'm the junior.

Well, Mr. Grace, in his wisdom, has decreed that you will be taking over

Mr. Humphreys.

Mr. Humphreys? Well, where's Mr. Humphreys going?

Mr. Humphreys is to be the new senior.

No. Yes.

Okay, okay. I'm not.

Cross your heart and hope to die.

It's not sorry.

Oh, I'm so happy.

Oh, it started me leg off.

Oh, this hasn't happened to me since I was a prefect in me bribery.

Is there anything we can do to stop it? No, it's all right. It'll turn to

hiccups in a minute.

No, I told you. Now what do we do?

Well, my teacher, Miss Haswell, she used to get one of the boys to creep up

behind me and give me a surprise.

Did it work?

No, but he still writes to me from...

Are they feeling better now?

Oh, yes, they're much, much better, yes.

You know, it always happens just before a storm.

My brain picks up the electrical vibrations and sends a message down to

bunions and they start throbbing. But it's a lovely day. The storm was last

night. Yeah, but it takes a long time to get a message to any part of my brain.

My suspenders gone.

That message got through quickly enough.

It didn't have to fart and go.

Hello?

Rambold here, sir. I'm afraid I must have a decision.

You were going to make up your mind as to whether Mr Humphreys was taking over

as senior salesman. Now, the question is, is he or isn't he?

People have been asking me that for years.

I think we should put him on probation.

I didn't know the case had come up.

Anyway, I can't stop here chatting with you. I'm in hot water with my nurse.

Well, what do you think, sir?

More hot water, sir?

Yes.

Thank you, sir.

Here we are, Doc.

I think you'll find that's all right now.

Yes. Would you leave now, Mr Harmon? I have a meeting to discuss a confidential

matter. Oh, I see. Just because I'm a humble member of the packing and

maintenance department, I'm not supposed to know what the higher echelon is

talking about.

Well, you could put it that way. We're outside, sir.

People who knock usually are cunning.

Seeing as this is a confidential meeting, I shall wipe from my mind the

that I have seen you.

I'm sorry.

I have some news for you regarding the vacancy on the men's counter.

I have been officially authorised to offer the post to Mr Humphreys.

May I be the first to congratulate you, Mr Humphreys? Thank you. Yes,

congratulations indeed.

It's not often a man of your age gets this position. How does it feel?

He says he's very happy.

Could he please go and phone his mother?

What did he say then? I don't know.

Is there any more money?

You will receive grade H4B with increment and London waiting.

How much is that?

That is between Mr Humphreys and the management.

But I do have the figure written down here.

Now, this will of course leave a gap.

in the man on the counter.

And there have been numerous discussions at boardroom level as to who should

take over Mr. Humphreys' position.

It was suggested that we should ask Mr. Humphreys if Mr. Lucas is capable.

The question is, is he ready for it?

I'm ready for it. We weren't asking you, Mr. Lucas.

Perhaps it would be more to the point if you asked me what I think. I don't

think he's ready for it. Captain Peacock, a senior assistant, I think

me to decide whether he's ready for it.

I entirely agree with Mr. Humphreys.

And I don't want the fact that I'm Mr. Humphrey's best friend to influence him

one way or the other. You're not, and it won't.

Well, is he ready for it?

Let me put it this way.

He's as ready as he'll ever be.

I do believe in giving you the chance.

Mr. Lucas, you have the post. And here is your increase.

A pound is not to be sneezed at.

May I ask who will be taking Mr. Lucas's place?

We shall advertise in the press saying that we need a worthy replacement for

Lucas. Well, in that case, may I suggest an advertisement in the agony column of

the Beano?

On behalf of the ladies' department, may I congratulate you on your promotion,

Mr. Humphreys?

You were always a cut above the rest.

I'm glad you've got on. Oh, thank you, Mrs. Slocum. You'll forgive me if I

make a speech. It's been a very emotional morning.

It's not over yet, Mr. Humphreys. You have to take your place at the counter,

the senior position.

Here we go.

I feel like a bride walking down the aisle.

All the flaws worn away where the seniors have stood.

Hand me over the set, I believe, Mr. Harmon.

Your Honor.

Here.

Your fitter's pincushion.

Your chalk for me to measure fittings.

And, of course, your tape.

Not in the pocket, Mr. Humphreys.

The senior assistant is allowed to wear it around his neck.

Oh.

It's gone again.

Mr. Lucas, you too have a new position to take up?

Of course.

That's the easiest quid you've ever earned.

We expect to have some candidates for the new post by Thursday.

Mr. Rumbold is most anxious that the new man should fit into the team, so he'd

like us all to stay behind after closing time that evening to interview the

applicants.

It's now time for the assistant salesman's tea break.

Where are you going, Mr Humphries? My tea break, Captain Peacock.

You're not the assistant, Mr Humphries.

You're the senior.

When's the senior's tea break?

An hour ago. You missed him.

Not all roses at the top, is it?

I don't want to be long.

Now, the candidates are all in my office. So, Mr Harmon, if you'll

them for us, we can begin.

Very good, sir. Warwick's going to give me a hand.

You standing by, Warwick?

I'm standing by.

Call in Mr Webster.

Call in Mr Webster.

Mr Rodney Webster, 26 years with Denny and Tom's, covering haberdashery,

stationery and notions.

Ten years with Pontings in fabrics, two years at Gavages in garden sheds,

recently working at a bow -wow pet shop tooting Broadway, temporarily

unemployed.

Mr Webster, how old are you?

Aye.

How old are you?

Forty -eight.

And why did you leave your position at the pet shop?

I was savaged by a hamster.

You do look rather delicate, Mr. Webster.

Do you think you're up to an eight -hour day?

You can't sit down, you know.

Oh, it's the first time I've sat down since I was savaged by that hamster.

How's your product knowledge?

What's that?

Well, can you tell me how the following differ one from another?

Nylon? Orlon, Banlon and Tigon.

I haven't got the job, have I?

Well, we do have one or two more people to see. Well, how shall we leave it

then? We'll let you know.

God bless you, sir.

Thank you very much.

I live in a packing case in Covent Garden.

You can't miss it. It's got bananas written over it.

Oh, yes. And it's the only one with a chimney.

That could be any one of us.

After all those years at Derry and Tom's to be reduced to that...

Oh, go after him, Mr Harman, and see if he'd like a cup of tea in the canteen.

He's been here since three o 'clock. He's had four shepherd's pies, fifteen

of tea and a hap or crumble.

Then he did a song and dance with spoons and collected six quid. So I reckon

he's... Well, next, please.

Very good. Call in Mr Beauchamp.

Call in Mr Beauchamp.

Mr. Beauchamp has been employed by the following firms. And I'll give you a

resume of my career myself, if you don't mind.

Well, now, I've worked in simply oodles of shops, mostly continental,

including fashion des -ons of Woking.

And then I was at Maison Jacques of St. Albans for five ghastly years.

And then Boutique Bon Marché at Wagner Reef. Oh, sure.

Half Iran we got.

But I think I reached my peak at Harrods in men's undies.

Oh, what bliss.

The light, the music, the security cameras, the tycoons with their cigars,

bargaining Arabs jostling with each other joyfully. Oh, what a cosmopolitan,

colourful world. Well, I'm loathe to leave it.

Well, you won't find anything like that at Grace Brothers. Thank you. We'll let

you know.

I see.

Thank you very much indeed.

Won't you get rid of him so quickly?

We don't want people like that here.

May we have the next one, please?

There isn't a next. That was it.

But there were half a dozen candidates in my office. Yeah, well, unfortunately,

one of them went through your drawers and found your payslip.

And they reckon if that's how much you got, they'd be on starvation level.

But all the ones we thought were too old for a junior.

Yes, but we didn't put junior in the advertisement. You see, the word junior

would have cost another four pounds, and young Mr Grace has to draw the line

somewhere. Oh, well, we can all go home then, can't we?

I'm not too late, have I?

Well, it depends what you've come for. Well, I...

I've come to fulfil the vacancy in reply to the advertisement.

Oh, I see you've got plenty of applicants here already.

I beg your pardon. We are the staff.

What a mistake to make before I've even started.

Shall I go?

No, no, no, of course not. Please take a seat.

Thank you.

That is our senior sales lady, Mrs Flocombe. Oh, charming.

It's an honour to meet you.

Miss Browns, her junior.

Her assistant.

Delightful. Mr Lucas, senior assistant.

Smart young man.

And Mr Humphreys, head of the men's department.

So high up. So young.

So far, so good.

Finally, our floor. Don't tell me.

I know that face.

I'm going back 35 years.

I'm a Catholic.

I walk into a listen hut.

And there you are, standing on your bed in your shirt tails with your hat on.

I've got it. I've got it, Corporal Peacock.

we went to Egypt together.

You were still a corporal. We both got a cushy job in the cookhouse.

Is it coming back now?

I think it's going further away.

You remember me, Harry Goldberg?

I have no recollection of ever seeing you in my life before.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

The memory does play funny tricks.

It was a long time ago.

I've obviously made a mistake.

This gentleman is Captain Peacock, who actually fought hand -to -hand with

Ronald's army.

Oh?

We always wondered what he did in his spare time.

Captain Peacock, is it?

No, no.

This one could never have become a captain.

Couldn't have been you, sir. I'm sorry.

Well, now we've got that sorted out, can we get on?

I've got to get home.

If my pussy isn't attended to by eight o 'clock, I could be stroking it for the

rest of the evening.

Have I come at an awkward moment?

No, indeed not. You're the last candidate. Perhaps we could hear your

qualifications.

Well, I've had a lot of experience in the retail and clothing trade.

I'm a qualified cutter and a fitter, and I had my own establishment for some

years. Oh, why did you give it up?

Perhaps the wheels fell off his barrow.

Oh, great sense of humour.

Oh, should I be lucky enough to get the job? I shall enjoy working here.

So, you had your own place. Would we know it? Well, I doubt it.

It was over a fish and chip shop in Bermondsey.

Mind you, everyone knew my suit.

By the aroma of fish and chips?

No, by the cut.

Yes, but if it was so successful, why did you give it up?

The fat caught fire.

It was a conflagration, taking the whole of my stock with it. I was ruined.

Oh, when did this happen?

Yesterday.

I'm afraid we admitted to put in our advertisement that the post on offer was

that of a junior.

Junior, senior.

I mean, it's such a beautiful surroundings here, and to work among

people would be a privilege.

And that is the satellite.

A day?

A week.

Are you working for an award for fighting inflation?

On top of that, you do get commission.

And, of course, it is regular, and there are holidays and a pension.

I'll take it. But should I be lucky enough to secure the appointment?

Well, if you leave your address, we'll let you know.

Oh, yeah, I have my card.

Oh. There we are.

Fortunately, the letterbox is still standing.

Good evening, everybody. Thank you very much. Good night.

I'm sorry I mistook you for someone I spent four years with.

Sleeping in the same tent, eating the same food, doing the same jankers.

Strange the tricks the mind can play.

Because I think he's totally unsuitable.

Oh, it's the best we've seen so far.

I prefer Mr.

Beecham. You didn't, did you, Mr Humphreys? I most certainly did not, Mr

Well, of course, it's just a personal dislike on Mr Humphreys' part.

Let's have a show of hands. Those in favour of Mr Beecham?

Against?

I'm afraid the noes have it.

I must say my heart went out to that charming old gentleman who came in

The one who's dossing down in a packing case in Covent Garden?

I have never thought that a man's background should be held against him.

willing. He had a nice smile. He was courteous.

And he wasn't in the army.

That has nothing to do with it. Oh, well, in that case, let's pick the last

and go home.

All those in favour?

Carried unanimously.

Except for Corporal Peacock.

Good morning, Captain Peacock. I know nothing that's good

about Monday morning.

Here, I've heard you've got a new junior.

Is he tall, dark, handsome and sexy?

No, he's shortish, stoutish and greyish.

Just my type.

I'm not thinking of anything's my type.

Let's nip this in the bud right now.

That man was mistaken.

My title is Captain Peacock. And as junior, you will continue to address me

such. Now sign the book and get to your counter. Yes, Captain.

You were quite right to admonish her. She gets far too familiar.

Strictly between you and me, were you in the army with Mr. Goldberg?

It was 35 years ago, Mrs. Slocum.

Can you remember who you worked with at Lyons when you were a nippy?

You promised you'd never mention that to a living soul.

Anyway, it was only for weeks, and I was very hard up, and it was a corner

house.

What's a nippy, Mr.

Slocum?

Oh, good morning, Mr Lucas.

Good morning, Corp. I can't be got.

I'm glad to see that your new responsibility has encouraged you to

time. Yes, well, with the extra pound a week I'm getting, I can now afford to

come on the bus instead of hitchhiking.

Good morning, all.

Good morning, Mr Alfred.

Blimey, he's taking it seriously. He's got his senior assistant, Sonberg.

That must have set him back a bit.

You look very smart, Mr Alfred.

Thank you, Mrs. Slocum.

As a matter of fact, my mother burst into tears on the doorstep this morning.

Oh, I expect that was because she was so proud of you.

Yes, coupled with the fact that I spent the milk money on a new act.

Morning, everybody.

Morning, Mr. Goldberg.

My first day.

It's very exciting for me.

Where shall I put my coat?

The junior's peg. It's through that passage.

Thank you. I'll take it for you, Mr. Goldberg. Call me Harry.

No, call him Mr. Goldberg.

Grace Brothers, we're only on first -name terms outside working hours, and

only after a long association.

That's quite correct. That's class, style.

That's how a beautiful store like this gets its reputation.

Where do I stand?

You don't.

You sign the book first.

You'll find a tape and a bill pad in your drawer. You will not, however, wear

the tape round your neck.

Only Mr Humphreys is allowed that privilege.

Mr Humphreys and Mr Lucas will explain your duties to you. I have to go and see

Mr Rumble.

Ah, that's the opening bell. Oh, thank heavens. I thought it was the hat caught

alight again.

Ladies and gentlemen, the public will be coming in.

He's a right tartar, isn't he?

Mind you, so was the man who he isn't.

What authority does the people?

Yes, well, it's not going to do it to me.

I'm going to stay the same.

Kind, understanding.

I've never seen anything so disgraceful as that blood draw, Mr. Lucas.

Get it tidied up at once.

Well, I was just totaling up my month's figures. Well, you should have done that

last week.

The battery on my calculator went. Mr. Lucas, Mr.

Lucas, please. Would you allow me?

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you very much. There we are.

There we are.

Now, now. Hey, hey. There we are.

You see?

Simple. Now, if you... I'll...

your drawers if you show me my duty.

There's just one thing. As far as the commission is concerned, that's

on our individual sales at the end of the week.

So therefore, when the customers come in, I get first crack, Mr. Lucas goes

second, and you go third. Suppose they ask for me personally.

That won't arise until you've built up a clientele.

But wouldn't you rather split the commission three ways at the end of the

No, thank you, no. This is the way we've always done it, and this is the way

we're going to carry on. Right, Mr. Lucas?

Entirely, Mr. Humphreys. So be it.

Okay, everybody!

Nice place you're coming

out of the world. Beautiful merchandise, Harry.

Classy material. 5 % off for cash.

5 %?

Here, none of that, no.

This is strictly on the level.

No, no discount.

Yeah, I heard about the fire. Hey, I thought the fire wasn't until next week.

brought it forward.

I'll have this white cunicoat. That's £500.

Hey, Harry, have you got six of these silk shirts in my size?

That makes it £650.

That's a classy suit.

Just what I'm looking for. That's £800.

Harry, I'd like a crocodile briefcase, matching shoes in black.

I've got you a funeral.

Hey, that's 1 ,200 quid. Think of the commission.

Think of this commission. Can we be of any assistance? Start wrapping these

things up before the hackney mob get in.

Now, you need some Catholics to go with those shirts.

Put some Catholics with these shirts.

Thank you. And some socks. You need some socks to go with that suit. It's a very

unusual colour.

Socks, Mr. Lucas. How many?

How many?

Two. How many does a person wear?

Figured they'd been very good, Rumbled.

They have indeed, sir. Best week of the year.

Of course, this is partly due to the presence of our new counterhand.

What about giving him a nice rise?

Say, seven and six a week?

We'll have to do rather more than that, sir. In fact, he wants more money than

our senior salesman, otherwise we're going to lose him.

Well, pay him.

If I do that, sir, Captain Peacock has threatened to lead a walkout.

Well, sort it out, Rumbled.

Enter.

May we see you for a moment, Mr Rumbled?

Certainly. What's the trouble? We just want to make it absolutely clear that we

have no intention of walking out with Captain Peacock.

And I am unanimous in that.

We like Mr Goldberg.

Yeah, he's taking her to the pictures tonight.

But if I pay him the money he's asking, I'll have to make him senior salesman.

Well, I don't mind that. At his age, he ought to be senior salesman.

Besides, I don't think I'm temperamentally suited for it.

You know, I haven't slept for a week.

I'm getting silver threads amongst the gold.

We don't mind going back to our old wages because he's sharing his

with us. But I can't promote Mr Goldberg without the consent of Captain Peacock.

Well, Mr Goldberg says he might be able to arrange that.

Ah, I understand you won't be with us next week, Mr. Goldberg. Very

Yes, well,

I would like to have stayed, but I gather there was some very strong

from a senior executive.

Indeed, what a pity.

Yes, so I thought, well, I'd like to leave a little memento of me to the

And I was looking in an old scrapbook, and would you believe it, I found this

photo of me.

With that corporal I so foolishly thought was you.

Yeah, yeah.

It's very interesting. In fact, if you looked at it through this magnifying

glass, you'll see that on Corporal Peacock's right arm, there's a

motto.

And it says, a tattoo.

And it says, death before dishonour.

Tattoo marks are very difficult to get rid of, Captain Peacock.

That's impossible.

Yes, so I thought the staff would like to have this photo if I go.

Should I stay?

I would like you to have it.

word with you. It's about Mr.

Goldberg. Ah, yes.

Well, I've just been having a little tete -a -tete with him, and I think it

be to the advantage of us all if he were to stay with us. Oh, splendid.

How can I ever thank you?

No.