Original subtitles

For perfumery, stationery and leather goods. Waste and haberdashery. Pitching

ware and food.

First floor, telephone,

gents, ready -made food.

Enter.

Morning, Mr. Rumble.

To staff, as requested, 8 .30 precisely.

Excellent, excellent.

Tell them all to come in.

I can't tell them to come in. I mean, I'm subservient. If I tell them to come

in, I shall fracture protocol.

I am a blue -collar worker, and they is white -collar workers. Now, a blue

-collar worker can ask a white -collar worker, but on the other hand, a white

-collar worker can tell a blue -collar worker. But if they do, they'll have to

do it very, very nicely. Why don't you get a punch of five? What happened to

Rupert? I like that.

However you do it, Mr Harman, please arrange for them to come in here. With

greatest of pleasure.

Why, you mob, in here.

Good morning, Mr Rumble.

I hope you don't mind if we bring in our coffee and biscuits, sir.

Oh, well, I suppose it's all right.

When I was a junior and Mr Prentiss sat in this chair, I certainly would never

have dreamt of it. Yes, we all had a great respect for Mr Prentiss.

In any case, don't drop the crumbs all over the floor.

I'm fine. If you don't, then they don't. Fuff about.

Don't fuff about me.

It's what crumbs do when you've just done it.

Don't bother with that now, Mr Humphreys.

Now, today is a red -letter day in the Grace Brothers' calendar.

Today is young Mr Grace's birthday, and you know the tradition. On his way up to

the boardroom, young Mr Grace stops on every floor.

As the lift gates open, every department carols forth its birthday greetings by

singing happy birthday to you.

This makes young Mr Grace very happy.

Any questions?

Yes, Mr Humphreys.

Mr Rumble, while I was on my knees under your desk, I couldn't help noticing

something that indicated to me that you must have got dressed in a terrible

hurry.

Really? What was that?

Only a keen eye would notice it.

Well, what was it?

Don't keep us in suspense.

I wish I hadn't mentioned it now.

Well, what is it?

You've got odd socks on.

Mr Francis would never have worn odd socks.

Nobody's going to notice my odd socks.

Excuse me, sir. Does young Mr Grace intend to continue the other well

tradition? Oh, yes, yes. We shall all be getting our birthday bonus.

So what it boils down to is that we've been called in at 8 .30 to get a two

bit and hear the amazing news that you've got odd socks on.

I'm not unaware of the sarcastic note in your voice, Captain Peacock, but while

we're on the subject of dress, where are your birthday pompon dahlias? They

haven't arrived yet, sir.

But I've made the arrangements personally.

That's probably why they haven't arrived.

Don't worry, sir.

I sent Mr Lucas to the florist and told him to put them on the account.

You've exceeded your authority there, Peacock, but in the circumstances I

overlook it.

Good heavens, he's due here at any minute. We'd better take our positions.

I've got the flowers kept big. Oh, quick, gentlemen, put them in your

buttonholes. Ladies, make your own arrangements.

Mr Lucas, are you out of your mind?

These are supposed to be pom -poms, and these are decoratives.

Well, it was either that or lilies.

And I thought, in view of Mr Grace's age, lilies might not be very tactful.

If I may make the suggestion, look, here you are.

Short back and sides.

That should do the trick.

No, no, no, Mr Harmon, that makes you look even worse.

Well, at least mine won't fall out. I've jammed the end in my knickery last day.

Well, I certainly don't intend to accommodate mine in that fashion.

Flowers are very sensitive, you know. It might wilt if it found the end stuck in

your navel.

Sir, if I might suggest a solution, would it be preferable, from Mr Grace's

point of view, if when he arrives, we stand in front of the lifts, holding

proudly in our hands?

That should give him something to remember.

It won't fall down in class, but you can hear the chant.

It's out. Remember, today is a customary free luncheon, so we must all be in the

canteen no later than two minutes past one, when young Mr Grace will, of

be serving us all personally.

Well, I hope it's quicker than it was last year. By the time I got it, my hot

pot was cold pot.

I hope the party doesn't go on as long as it did last year. I mean, I missed me

last bath.

I seem to remember I gave you a lift home.

Yeah. Well, I don't want to miss me last bath.

He's the only man I know that can drive, steer, change gear, and he's still got

two hands left over.

Well, I can't stay too late.

The man next door is popping in every half hour to keep an eye on my pussy.

And after half past eleven, his wife won't let him out.

The party starts at eight, as usual, which gives us time to have the last

rehearsal of our birthday show at 5 .30.

Quick, he's coming up.

Space, everybody.

Space.

This is the note we start on to sing happy birthday to you. Have you got it?

Yes, we have.

And the suspense is carrying on.

It's stuck.

Never mind. Carry on.

Happy birthday to me.

Not very often an 81 -year -old man stuck in the lift with a 19 -year -old

secretary. Of course I'm all right. Shut the doors.

Oh, Mr Rumbold?

Yes, sir?

My secretary has just seen something she'd never expected to see.

Oh, really, sir?

Yes, that you've got odd socks on.

all in joined -up handwriting.

What would you bet that?

I got an O -level in collecting dinner money.

Mrs. Luker, Captain Peacock. We'll put Mr. Tebbs up at this end. Here, I don't

want to sit next to Mr. Luker. Why not?

He pinches my bottom.

I'll sit next to Mr. Luker.

Oh, doesn't the canteen look spotless? Yes, the flies are all confused. They're

flying around, they don't know where they are.

Don't waste any money, do they? Those are last year's flowers.

They're not, you know. They're the year before us.

How do you know that?

Well, that's the one you used to stir your tea with when you couldn't find

pencil.

Those lift girls are switching tables with us again.

This is the one with the wonky leg.

Now, who's got something about, uh, Sueby?

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

Try a couple of cheese biscuits.

Guaranteed indestructible.

Not to mention the cheese.

You can tell it's Mr Grace's birthday.

Look how nicely they've decorated the edge.

What do you mean, decorated the edge? Those are my teeth marks.

That's in a canteen trap.

Oh, it's disgusting. You know, we ought to complain.

We can't. It's free.

I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll all write our initials on it, and if we get

it next year, we'll complain then.

Here.

Hey, this has already got some initials on the back here. Look.

There's a heart with an arrow through it saying, Mrs. Slocum loves Captain

Peacock.

That was back in 1964.

Christmas party cheese, yes.

Oh, how sad, the passing of the years.

Then young, fresh and tasty, now old, tough, leathery and rejected.

The cheese doesn't age too well, either.

Ladies and gentlemen, be upset if young Mr. Grace, whose birthday what it is

today, which is why he was having the free not.

Thank you. Thank you. Mr.

Grace will now hand out the traditional birthday bonus.

In the year 1893, Mr. Grace Senior first presented a silver florin to each

grateful member of his staff, and the custom has continued to this very day.

Pass them down.

Of course, in those days, a florin was a florin.

In these days of inflation, it would probably be worth about ten pounds.

But young Mr. Grace doesn't want a break with tradition.

Hello, ten gallons!

Mr. Grace, well, now, say grace.

For what you are about to receive, may you be truly grateful.

Surely, sir, you mean for what we are about to receive, may we be truly

grateful. No, no, for what you are about to receive.

We're lunching at the Savoy, aren't we, dear?

That was one of your suggestions, Mr. Grace.

Yes, well, we don't say grace before the other suggestions, do we?

I'm in good form today.

Yes.

My lord, then come on to Grace Brothers Gruel.

This is a very moving occasion.

It was after the last lot of Grace Brothers Gruel.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Grace will now, as usual, serve the first

helping to the most junior member of the club.

May I say how truly humbly grateful I am, Mr Grace?

May I congratulate you, sir, on getting some of

it in the place?

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Grace will now serve the traditional

champagne. Take your order.

Rose Pumantas, 1962, bottled by British Railway, and bought up at a job lot when

they went over to Diesel.

Thomas Heard preferred to Diesel.

Mr.

Grace will now remove the cork.

Well, this is the eighth time running I've not been able to open this bottle.

Never mind. Put it back in the cellar. I'll try again next year.

the party.

Yes, well, I'm sure we can't have more fun than we've already had, sir. Well,

goodbye. You've all done very well.

I'm so sorry, sir. Was it the noise? No, no, the waste, the expense.

No,

give me a glass before it's all gone.

Enter.

Customers all gone, Mr Harland?

Yes, sir. Mr Humphrey said he'd be ready to start rehearsals in a couple of

minutes. Oh, by the way, I've got your Humpty Dumpty outfit.

What are the other departments doing?

Well, I've touched out what they're doing on the other floors.

Aberdashery's doing buttons and bows.

The account department are doing Indian love lyrics.

And bathroom fittings, they're doing excerpts from Gone With The Wind.

And as a P asked in resistance, young Mr Grace had booked a professional cabaret

to entertain us after we'd done our little bit. Right, now, if you'd like to

this over your head, sir, I'll get you all ready for the occasion.

There we are.

That's lovely.

That's nice, that, isn't it?

Where's Mr Rumbold?

Rumbold, he's here.

Ah.

Oh, where? Hello.

Hello, Rumbold.

Well, good luck with the cabaret tonight.

I hope Mr. Humphries is right about this idea.

You know, doing a sort of ballet thing with so little time to rehearse seems to

me rather adventurous.

Now, he's in his element playing the big producer, I can tell you. Oh, he loves

it.

Right,

everybody on stage for the dance with the toys.

Teddy bear first, teddy bear toy.

Ted, are you in there?

Of course I'm in here.

Well, you've got your head on sideways.

Well, I'm looking through the ear.

You're supposed to look through the mouth.

I know, but when I look through the mouth, I can't hear through the ear.

Well, we'll find some way of getting in touch with you. Come here.

Now, over here.

That's right.

Now, little boy blue, Mr. Lucas, it's half past six. I must check all these

costumes.

Mr. Lucas, why has Little Boy Blue got a plastic mac on?

Because Little Boy Blue's tights are too tight.

And his smock is too short.

In fact, Little Boy Blue is seriously contemplating on handing in his own.

I shall be the judge of that. Let me have a look.

You've done that before, haven't you?

as little girl Alice, age four.

Mrs. Strotham, what are you doing dressed as little girl Alice, age four?

supposed to be Miss Muffet. Well, I couldn't get into the Miss Muffet

What makes you think you got into little Alice, age four?

It's only supposed to be make -believe.

We're going to have to stretch our imaginations.

Now, where's Miss Muffet?

Miss Muffet?

Here I am.

This spider's driving me bonkers.

What's that for?

To sit on.

Miss Brahms, Miss Muffet sits on a tuffet. It's about that big.

I'm not sitting on anything that big in this girl.

I've got a 12 -inch puff in soft furnishings.

I thought he'd have been in the novelty department.

I need a second opinion on little boy blue's tights. Come on, show Miss Brown.

I didn't see anything out of place.

In these tights, there's no room for anything to be out of place.

All right, now take that, Makov. Now, where's the tin soldier, Captain

Oh, that is nice.

May I ask why Mr. Lucas is wearing a plastic mat?

Point taken.

Perhaps Mr.

Harmon... One horse coming up.

Compliments of the display department.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

Would you care to get mounted, Captain Peacock?

You don't look at all comfortable.

I'm not.

Can you walk?

Hmm? Well, can you trot? Not without irreversible consequences.

Mr Harmon, this is not good enough.

Well, display went to a lot of trouble with that animal.

Pull the reins.

Well,

if you don't fancy that, there's only one other thing.

For it!

the alternative transport.

Come on, Warwick.

Mr.

Harmon, I can't have my tin soldier riding around on a sheepdog. We'll lose

sense of reality.

There's only one other alternative. In the toy department, there's a stick with

a horse's head handle.

Warwick! Ask Stafford to bring it up, will you? She'll tell him where it is.

In the meantime, practice with that.

You'll all look absolutely splendid.

Mr Lucas, I suppose there is a very good reason why little boy Blue is wearing a

plastic Mac.

There is.

Mr Rumble, to the piano.

Now we'll go from where little girl Alice, aged four, wakes up into the cot,

Snowtham.

Push yourself in.

That's how they trap you for potomac, as you know.

I'll smack your legs in a minute.

Now, let me remind you of the plot.

See, you're a four -year -old little girl, and you're fast asleep, and along

comes the fairy prince, played by me.

What have I got to lose?

As I was saying, the fairy prince comes along and he scatters fairy dust over

you. Mr. Harmon, the fairy house. Oh, yeah.

Here, W .H.

That's magic, Mr. Harmon.

Don't breathe it in, otherwise you get silicosis.

Now then, as I was saying.

Now, you're all toys scattered around the nursery casually.

Come along, be casual about the nursery.

Not as casual as that, Mr Lucas.

Captain Peacock, you've got to lull more.

Yes, like this.

Locally. And Teddies sit with their arms stretched straight out.

I said Teddies sit with their arms stretched straight out.

Mr. Humphreys, could I have a moment?

What is it, Mr. Rambello?

It's when I sit down, my egg rises up.

My face almost disappears.

Well, we all know it's you.

Yes, but I can't see the piano. Hang on a minute.

You are half...

Now, then, we'll take it from the fairy prince's coming -on music.

No!

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

I'm not in my coming -on position yet.

Wait, music!

Hey, hang on, hang on, hang on. Just a minute, just a minute, just a minute.

What is it, then?

We're all toys in the nursery, right?

Right. And we don't wake up until you sprinkle the fairy duck over little

age four, here, who then wakes up, winds us all up, Right? Correct, Mr. Lucas.

How come the egg is already awake to play the entrance music for the Fairy

Queen?

Fairy Prince.

Because the egg is not a toy.

I don't want to be difficult, but you keep eggs in the kitchen, not in the

nursery. He's quite right.

Yes. Well, the noise from the refrigerator kept him awake, so he came

nursery to play the piano.

How did the egg get down off the fridge without breaking?

Because the housemaid dropped a tea towel on the floor, and being hard

it bounced.

Does that satisfy you? I hope it does, because the blood's rushing to my head.

Can we proceed?

Right! Music!

Mr. Umphreys, are you short -sighted or something?

Why? Well, you've been part night cocked twice, and I'm still waiting for the

fairy dust.

I've got to work up to it.

Music!

Oh, God!

Serves you right for going to sleep with your mouth open.

Now, we'll take it from the waking up music.

Yes, and in a minute he's going to turn to a frog to keep himself out of

mischief. Now, you wind up all the toys. Who's your toy first?

Hang on, hang on.

Where's his key?

You have to pretend that he's got a key.

Oh.

He's not a 27 bus.

Now, show surprise.

Very strong spring, has he?

Doesn't he have to run down here?

He runs down wherever his spring runs down.

Right, little cloak. Now, all the rest of the toys. Teddy, Ned, come along.

Lovely. Wind him up. And Teddy, bring the light.

I think he's asleep.

I can hear him snoring through the air hole.

Give him a shot of your magic.

Mr.

Tibbs, are you free?

Now then,

little boy blue.

Look, do I have to wind everybody up?

That's because you know what's going to happen. But to the audience, it's magic.

Hold on.

Wind him up. He'll survive.

Mr.

Lucas.

You're clockwork, not drunk.

Muffet and wind her up. That's right.

Wind away.

Show surprise.

Now, little Miss Muffet dances with little boy Blue.

Music.

National cabaret's arrived. They're on their way out. Oh, isn't it exciting?

You won't think so when you see what they're doing.

They're all the same as us.

Not exactly the same, Mush.

Well, what are we going to do? We can't all do the ballet of the toys.

Well, we'll have to do what we did last year. We've only got a couple of

minutes. We're the first turn.

Mr. Lucas, you're forgetting the fairy dust.

They'll be smooth sailing because I'm trimming my sails.

In my top hat and my white tie and my jails. They'll allow me actually.

Stepping out with my baby.

Can't be back but he's in right.

Ask him when will the day be.

The big day may be today.

Thank you.

Happy birthday, Mr.

Gray. Happy birthday.

I'm wearing shoes.