Original subtitles

for perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and half -adaptery,

kitchenware and food.

First for telephone,

gents, ready -made food, gents, socks, pie pads, underwear and food.

A foggy day in London town.

Good morning, Mr. Harmon. What are you doing?

I'm glad you asked me that. I'm running this tube up and down this carpet due to

the fact that there is a motor in here.

which calls in a vacuum and thus sucks up the dust off of the carpet. It goes

down that pipe into a bag. It is what is known as oovering up the dust, due to

the fact that Uber was the first in the market. Now, if Goblin had been the

first in the market, I'd be gobbling up the dust.

I merely meant, why are you doing it and not the cleaners? Well, seen as it's

the worst fog we've had since 1953, they phoned up to say they wasn't coming.

I'm beginning to wonder if anyone's coming. Well, there's only two on the

floor. Mr. Ackroyd's walking about with a candle stuck on his head so they know

where to go to get their bill signed.

Well, how did the fog get in there?

Some silly burp left the side door open.

How very careless.

I don't know who it was, but rumour has it he's a bald -headed person with one

or two other outstanding features.

Enter the Demon King!

Apparently some idiot left the side door open and filled the place with fog.

Yeah, well, the culprit is disguised as you, Mr Harmon.

You should be down in the basement.

Oh, very well. But first, I'm going to the pet department to procure for myself

a canary, which I will put in a cage and lower to see if the atmosphere down

there is suitable for my respiratory organs.

Come on, R2 -D2.

Well, at least you're here on time, Peacock. Congratulations.

Quite by chance.

I was coughing myself to death at the bus stop when a vintage Rolls Royce drew

up. And inside was none other than young Mr. Grace.

Without winding down the window, he mouthed the words, Would you like a

I don't suppose he wanted the fog getting into his car.

Indeed he didn't. I travelled eight miles on the running board.

Oh, well, report to me when the others do arrive. I have an important

announcement to make. Certainly, Lieutenant.

Mr. Lucas, what on earth are you doing in that?

Well, that's charming, isn't it? First time I've been early in three weeks, and

that's a welcome I get.

You surely haven't hopped all the way from Highgate?

I couldn't get home last night because of the fog, so I spent the night in the

camping department.

Unfortunately, the zip is stuck. Oh, here, get out of this thing.

Look, there's the store's open.

You have just lost us a sale. Now, where are your clothes?

They're still in the tent.

Go and get them on. And get a dressing gown out of stock.

Oh, blimey.

It's going to be one of those days, isn't it?

Give us out. I've got Mrs. Slocum in here.

Push.

Oh, my pussy's been darkened.

Oh,

and as for me bronchials... It's a good thing you had your gas mask.

I had it during the war, you know.

1418.

If you're going to have one of your witty days, I'm going home.

Only as far as Tower Bridge. The buses aren't running.

So I got into me gear, I went down to the bottom of the garden, waved bye -bye

to me mother and jumped in the canal.

I thought I'll turn right at the sluice and come in with the tide.

Apart from a bit of a fracas with a boy at Battersea.

B -U -O -Y.

It was quite an uneventful trip.

Till I got picked up by the river police on their arse stick.

A -S -D -I -C, full stop.

Apparently I was... giving a very strange reading, so they hauled me in,

my suit off, showed me to the sergeant who took one look at me and said, we

don't keep tiddlers, and threw me back.

What are you doing?

I've just put new batteries in your stress indicator.

Have I worn out already?

Yes. You must be getting very excited recently, you naughty boy.

Well, it's that secretary of mine. Yes.

Well, let's see if your equipment's working properly.

Are you ready for the test?

Yes.

I should be flashing.

Hold on a minute.

Try again.

Lucky they're only my reading glasses.

Oh, Frank, you asked me to get Mr. Rumbold.

Well, he's on the line.

You're looking very petty this morning.

Oh.

Thank you very much, sir.

How about dinner tonight?

Oh, thank you very much, sir. Do you want my wife as well?

Are you going on about that?

I said, do you want my wife?

anything to get on in this program.

I've got a slight problem, sir. The perfume display from the Bliss people

arrived, but the Bliss girl, who was supposed to serve behind the counter,

hasn't. Well, use your initiative.

Oh, right, sir.

What shall I do?

Get somebody else.

The Bliss people are paying us £50 a day. We don't want to lose that.

You sent for me?

Oh, yes.

Unplug my charger, will you? We don't want to waste electricity.

Will there be anything else, sir? Yes, you're fired.

Anyway, we both came out of the pictures, you see, and we got into her

car, and she's sitting there brushing her long blonde hair in the driving

mirror. You know, the way they do.

And she turns to me and she said, shall I drop you home?

You refused, of course.

Well, no, she behaved herself quite well in the cinema.

Apart from when she reached over to get a chocolate and I had the box on me lap.

That was when she was looking for the one with the hard centre, was it?

Yes, she wasn't best pleased when she had to make do with the marzipan.

See, we get outside the front door, and she looked at me coy -like, and she

said, are you going to invite me in for coffee?

And did you?

Well, no, I've got a crack in me cone.

So, anyway, she said, well, we'll have to say goodnight here, then. And she

flung her arms round me neck, and she grappled with me like Mick McManus.

You never told me you'd been out with Mick McManus.

If you're going to mock me, I shall not let you be privy to my confidences.

So anyway, she presses a button and the seat flew back and there I was, about to

be washed away on a tidal wave of passion when me mother banged on the

with a rolling pin and gave her a minute to get out or make an honest man of me.

Men's wear.

That's it, Warwick. There we are.

Presenting the Bliss Pong Shop. Where would you like it?

It has to go over there. You and you. Take that counter away.

Don't move. Stand fast.

Captain Peacock, you do not tell my men to take that counter away.

They are under my jurisprudence.

You tell me to take that counter away, and I tell them to take that counter

away. Harmon, take that counter away.

Mr. Harmon.

Very well, Mr. Harmon.

What?

Will you please take that counter away?

Right. You, you!

One minute.

Put that counter down.

Mrs Snowden.

Captain Peacock, I do not respond to any man's finger.

I used to have an aunt that said that.

I've made an aunt.

Mrs Snowden.

It is my understood prerogative as floor walker to summon any of my subordinates

if I wish to give them my instructions.

Now. Will you please accede to my request?

In a word, not on your nellet.

It's exciting, isn't it? You can feel the tension bouncing.

Mrs. Slocum, I shall count to five, and if you have not complied, then I shall

make an adverse entry in my book.

Two of them shall get sent off.

One, two, three, four, four off,

five.

Mrs. Slocum?

Truculent and impertinent.

Captain Peacock, I may have been truculent, but I was certainly not

I've already entered impertinent in my book.

Oh, well, in that case...

Now, let me get this

clear. You wiggled your finger at Mrs. Slocum? I did not wiggle it, sir. I did

that.

And Mrs. Slocum took exception?

Correct.

What sort of exception did she take?

Who dare you, Peacock? I asked you a perfectly simple question.

I was merely illustrating the gesture that Mrs. Slocum made to me.

Gestured with fingers. Yes, I've got that written down.

Were there any witnesses to this sign?

Well, we only saw it from a distance. For all I know, she might have only used

one finger.

Mr Humphreys, did you see her raising two fingers?

Oh, yes. As a matter of fact, I thought she was doing it to me. She often does.

What, as an inflammatory sign?

No, to save two seats for the canteen.

Captain Peacock might have misinterpreted this gesture.

Are there any other complaints concerning Mrs Flocombe?

The next complaint I have against her is that she made a noise I objected to.

What sort of noise?

Yes, that is an objectionable noise.

Why did you do this, Mrs. Slocum? Well, his wiggling finger got right up my

nose.

Peacock, you didn't tell me this. You must give me all the facts.

Now, let's start again. You put your finger up Mrs. Slocum's nose, causing

to slouch in a sort of... Then, logically...

she would put up two fingers to protect her nose from your probing digit.

This, in turn, Mr Humphreys misinterpreted as a request for him to

seats in the canteen.

Have you got anything else written down in your book that you'd like me to

clarify?

Not on your neck.

Oh, well.

That's it. There's no more to be said.

Rather a waste of time, really.

Yes, indeed.

When am I going to get my counter back?

Not for a week. A young Mr. Grace has done a deal with Bliss Perfume, so I'm

afraid we'll just have to grin and bear it.

I find the two very rarely go together.

But we do have a problem, because the Bliss girl hasn't arrived. So I'm afraid

you and Miss Brahms will have to handle the Bliss merchandise.

I'm not sacrificing my commission to sell cheap scent, and I am unanimous in

this.

But the counter has to be mad.

Well, there's only two of us, there's three of them. Why don't one of them do

it?

Ungrammatical, but logical.

The question is, which one?

Poo, what a pong.

I have to test it if I'm going to sell it.

What's about that secret rendezvous?

Oh, it wouldn't be easy to have a secret rendezvous.

Everybody would know you'd been there.

Lady and the Tramp.

A bit more tramp than lady, hey?

Here. What's that?

Gay divorce.

Oh, I don't like that.

We'll cancel that out.

Poor, what's that?

Butch Cassidy.

It's awful when they all get together.

Do you know, my old headmaster would give a fortune to smell me now.

He'd say, I knew, I told you.

What sort of a school did you go to, Mr Humphrey?

Mixed. Oh, yeah, girls and boys?

No, just boys.

Mr Lucas, I'm just going to have a word with Captain Peacock. Will you take over

from him?

Certainly, Mr Ted.

Ah, Stephen, are you free?

At the moment, Mr. Tepps, may I remind you that first names are used only in

canteen or after and before the bell.

I see.

In that case, I don't want to talk to you.

Blimey, that was a short word.

Tidy up that glove drawer, Mr. Lucas.

Well, it is tidy.

It isn't now.

He got told you off, did he?

to the tie drawer as well.

All right, all right. I'll get in. I'll get in.

Ah, Mr. Lucas.

I'm glad to see you usefully employed in tidying the drawers.

Thank you, sir.

The tie drawer is also in a terrible mess.

I suggest you tidy it up, Mr. Thames, instead of standing there twiddling your

thumbs.

I am not twiddling my thumbs.

I am in charge of this country.

And if I want my drawers untidy, I shall have them untidy.

Now, let me get this clear. There's been yet another fracker on the floor.

One thing I want to get straight right away. Did Captain Peacock put his finger

up your nose?

Oh, of course he didn't.

Well, then what caused you to lose your temper?

He was sticking his nose into my business.

Noses do come into it, I thought so. There's always a common factor, you

This whole dispute is caused by the perfume counter.

And what's perfume associated with?

Noses.

Quite extraordinary.

It's because Mr Humphreys is on the perfume counter and unable to exercise

tidy influence on Mr Ted's counter.

It's got nothing to do with tidiness, Mr Rumbold.

It's because Mr Humphreys isn't with us and we're under man, and that's upset Mr

Ted, doesn't it? Right. There would be raised eyebrows in the trade if we were

found out that I'd been alone in the chents with a junior.

Yes, I do take his point, don't you, Peacock?

Absolutely, sir. But I didn't take Mr Humphreys away.

I would never allow Mr. Ted to have less than two assistant salesmen. You're

quite right, Peacock. I was wrong.

It's obviously causing bad feeling, and I shall rectify it immediately.

Shall I ask Mr.

Humphreys to return?

No, no, you will take his place.

I will take his place?

That's what I said.

I must protest.

No, it's not a matter for discussion. I've made a decision.

I'm not taking over as senior salesman serving behind the men's counter.

Quite correct. You are taking over Mr Humphrey's position as assistant

under Mr Tebbs.

I'll show you the ropes.

You'd better sign for your tape and chalk.

If this gets into the Floorwalkers Gazette, you'll be ruined.

Let me get one thing straight.

Mr Lucas will still be under me, will he not?

Of course.

Good.

Right on, in the fitting room.

It's just behind that curtain there.

Take over, Mr. Humphreys.

Yes, Mrs. Slocum.

true, then. You have been demoted.

I wouldn't be surprised to see a poppy growing over there in the spot where you

used to stand.

It's all over the building. I just couldn't believe it. Not Captain

reduced to the ranks.

I don't do, Harmon.

Excuse me.

Are you senior enough to sign for these sweaters?

Oh, that's a swanky pen for a junior.

I am not a junior. Now, get about your business.

Well, you want to be careful if you come down the stockroom.

We always de -bag new boys.

What are you doing, Steve?

Lucas, you will continue to address me as Captain Peacock.

And I would have thought that it was obvious even to a man of your poor

intelligence that I am folding a sweater.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. Mr. Ted would never stand for that.

Excuse me.

Now, he likes it like this, you see. Face down, fold that side over there

that, bend the arm down there, fold that one in like that, bend that arm down

there, then over there like that, and there you are. You've got it, you see.

You'll soon learn. A couple of weeks, you'll soon get the hang of it.

I shall not be here in a couple of weeks.

Well, that's up to Mr Rumbold, isn't it? I mean, he goes like that, and you

jump. You know, I felt really sorry for you in there.

I mean, I thought to myself, he made you look about that big.

I thought to myself, what a comedown, I thought.

After all those glorious years in the pay corps. The Royal Army Service Corps.

Whatever it is.

I mean, to have to accept that sort of humiliation lying down, but I mean, what

else can you do at your time of life?

I mean, even if you resign and go to the labour exchange, what's going to

happen?

Yes, I can see it all now.

There you are in the queue, you get up to the counter, you put in your card and

the voice says, Now then, Peacock, what are we going to do with you, Mark?

What are you... qualifications.

We don't have no job, so nobody's standing around looking snooty all day.

You bus conductor Monday, next week.

Lucas, tidy the handkerchief drawer?

Well, it is tidy.

Why, trash.

Blimey, she's got a right one in there.

Oh, she should be so lucky.

Four o 'clock and not a drop sold.

Miss Brahms, while you're at it, bring me another corset. The size 40 multi

-hole jumbo expander.

The last time I saw something like that, it was being used to restrain King

Kong. You haven't seen what she's got in there.

Excuse me. You gave me quite a start.

I wonder if you could help me.

Well, I'm just standing in for someone at the moment, but I'll do my best.

I'm not very happy with these stockings.

What seems to be the complaint?

Well, they ran as soon as I put them on.

Yes, I think I'd do the same.

Well, what are you going to do about it?

Well, at the moment, I'm riveted to the spot.

Well, I think the least you could do is to give me another pair.

Oh, yes, of course.

As a matter of fact, I'll give you two pairs.

There we are. And if these should run, don't hesitate to bring them back and

show them to me. I could start a whole new way of life.

Thank you. That's really very sweet of you.

Oh, not at all.

How could I resist such a lovely smile?

You're a very charming young man.

I'm quite sure you're going to go a long way.

Do you know, the last time anyone said that to me, I was standing in a white

surplus singing all things bright and beautiful.

They're so aggressive these days, aren't they?

Isn't that the truth?

They only want one thing.

They don't have much choice, do they?

Why don't we buy a hat?

Why do you say that?

I've got the very hat that'll go with those lovely eyes.

Not many people can wear hats. You've got a hat face.

Hang on a minute.

How about that?

Oh, I love it, I love it.

It's Dr Zhivago. It's Garbo.

It's Orient Express.

It's reduced.

I like it. I'll have it.

It's all on my husband's account anyway.

Oh, in that case, why don't you treat yourself to a coat?

I don't suppose you'll be able to afford it, but let's just slip it on for fun.

Oh, just the feel of it does something for me. Oh, yes, I find that the same.

Three thousand pounds?

You'll have a heart attack.

Well, fortunately, it is black.

Well, I'm afraid it's engaged at the moment.

Well, would you mind trying it on? Then I can stand back and look.

As you can see, it's got the lovely high collar.

Very haute couture.

Deep pockets.

A nice full back.

Note the swirl.

And of course, with the high heels, you get that lovely balance.

Mr. Humphreys.

What do you think you're doing? Madam has practically decided to take this

her. But it's 3 ,000 pounds.

I know, and I'm in the commission.

Not if I can persuade her to have something else, you're not. Good

madam. I'll be served, madam.

Oh, blimey!

Miss Florence, bring the fox.

Which one?

The 3 ,000 -necker one.

I am the senior of sales.

lady. I'm so sorry I wasn't here to help you. Oh, that's quite all right. I've

been very well looked after.

Yes. Now, how about this, madam?

Why don't you try this on before you make up your mind?

Well, do you mind trying it on? It gives me a better idea.

Well, certainly, madam.

Give me a hand, Miss Browns.

Oh, drama. The lining's gone.

Come here.

You see, this is a casual, rough round style.

Very easy to get on and off.

What do you think?

You look like a cross between Nelson and Basil Brush.

Well, I'm not really sure about the colour. Do you know, I'm rather sold on

black. Get me that one, the one at the end.

That's what happens when you buy a cheap coat.

Now, this one is suitable for almost any occasion.

It's Persian lum.

And it's a thousand pounds cheaper than the one he's wearing.

Suitable for day wear or a night at the opera?

I remember Groucho Marx wearing it.

That really is rather nice. Would you mind modelling it for me?

Well, certainly, madam.

Ignore the shoes.

Could I see yours again? Sir.

It's difficult to decide.

It's very distracting seeing those trousers and that hair.

Hang on a minute.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Drat! Come, everybody.

Young Mr. Grace.

Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Grace. Good afternoon, Mr. Grace.

Good afternoon, Peter. You've been demoted, I see.

Purely a temporary measure, sir.

You've been scribbling on the walls again.

That's humorous cartoons.

That was 15 years ago.

I thought he got your ears very well.

Oh, is that the new girl from Blitz?

No, no, sir, that's not the blister. She couldn't get here because of the fog.

Said a very attractive substitute.

Have you got a boyfriend?

Not at the moment.

I've got a table at Romano's with caviar and a snap -up dinner.

Do you care to join me?

Well, it is Monday and my mother's only got cottage pie.

That's what I'll do.