Original subtitles

First floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods. Wigs and haberdashery.

Kitchenware and food going off.

First floor telephones, gents ready -made food.

Gents, socks, pie pads, underwear and shoes going off.

There must be something in there. Keep on trying.

If I'd known my butter goons would last this long, I...

I'd have treated it better.

I'll get my other machine.

Mr. Grace?

Mr. Grace, can I stand down and stop for another pair of tights? Well, I mean, I

just caught these on my desk and I blathered them, look.

Oh,

that's

incredible.

I'd never seen that happen before.

No, but it's encouraging.

Yes, it is, Mr. Grace. Oh, thank you, Mr. Rombaud.

Excuse me, Mr. Grace. Here are the final figures for the month.

I'm afraid they are much worse than I feared, but I would point out that they

are commensurate with the general trend in the trade.

I put it down to uneasiness in the Middle East, the weakening dollar, plus

fact that Carter has not come up to expectations.

Carter is betting.

Jimmy Carter. He's running the USA.

Oh, yes, you mean the underbuyer for sportswear and accessories.

Well, if he doesn't come up to scratch, you'd have to tell him he's got to go.

These figures are very bad, aren't they?

Yes, but I'm sure there's some very good reason.

When I was in the fish trade, we always used to say that when a fish was

bad... The head went rotten first.

Who's in charge, he puts it on.

Who's in charge? I am, sir.

How did the head act like that?

So, anyway, this time, I promised my mother, faithfully, I'd give it up

altogether. It's not an easy decision to make, Mr. Humphrey. Oh, torture, Mr.

Lucas.

Anyway, Ben -Hur was on the television, so I thought, well, that'll take my mind

off it for four or five hours.

Well, it had just gone 12 o 'clock. I couldn't contain myself any longer, so I

took my boxing gloves off.

You'd lost the battle then, hadn't you?

Precisely. My hand fitted straight into the sweet jar.

Do you know, within five minutes, I'd scoffed a lot.

Thank you so much, madam.

Anyway, I was so upset that Mrs Axelby came with me to the police station.

Well, I couldn't have got a word out.

Do you know, it must have been awful for you.

Oh, it was.

Well, Mrs Axelby could see the state I was in, so she went straight up to the

sergeant at the desk.

And she said, have any of your constables reported having seen this

pussy?

And had they?

No.

But he took me name and found out where I lived, and they all promised that keep

an eye out.

Everybody comes your way.

Here, Warwick, shove it down about there. That's lovely.

OK, then. Yeah, OK, Warwick.

Mr Harmon.

I'm getting rather tired of telling you not to appear on the floor when the

store is open. In that case, why don't you give up?

Is that for me, Mr Harmon?

Yes, Mrs Slocum. It's a new point -of -sale model for ironclad osiery. It is

-proof, snag -proof and run -proof.

Guaranteed against rugger, hockey or a scramble into bramble. The only types

that will stand up against the ultimate test.

A good going over with still wool.

Mr. Hoffman. Mr. Goffin displayed all right down about this. If Mrs. Slocum

not like a display, she is entitled as head of her department to refuse it.

And I must say that I deplore the sight of female figures without knickers.

Oh, you've changed your tune since the Christmas party.

I don't recall anything untoward happening at the Christmas party.

I didn't see that.

That's because you were doing an impersonation of the man in the iron

a waste paper basket over your head.

Oh, take it away. Oh, by the way, it's worked by a random timing mechanism.

Oh, take it away.

I'll send my senior assistant back for the other bit. Can't go. You come with

me.

Oh, uh, Mrs. Slocum, I wonder if you'd mind staying behind after we close.

Oh, certainly, Captain Peacock.

We want to discuss falling figures. You too, Miss Brown.

Why me? My figure hasn't fallen.

Captain Peacock is referring to the trade we're doing.

No, more specifically, the trade we're not doing.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

At the moment, Mr. Humphreys. Shall I come over to you for you to sign my

or will you come over here?

You have my permission to come over here.

I've just done six pairs of Y -fronts on account.

Would you mind authenticating them? Oh, certainly.

It's good to see, Mr. Humphreys, that you haven't lost your sales technique.

Not when it comes to Y -fronts.

I was going to say to Mr. Rumble this morning that that smile of yours should

take you a long way in life.

Oh, coming from you, Captain Peacock, that is indeed a compliment.

You always look so stern and forbidding. I thought you didn't like me.

Well, I'm sorry if I give that impression.

It's very hard to be close to people during working hours.

By the way, can you stay behind tonight?

Oh, no, Captain Peacock, no, no. My mother's... My

mother's

rug machine's gone faulty and I promised I'd... She wants to have it finished

for...

It's a very big rug. I don't suppose a day would make any difference.

Have you got penetrating eyes?

You won't be long on that phone, Mr. Humphreys, will you? No, Captain

No, I'm sorry, Mother. I'm going to be late.

Due to circumstances beyond my control.

No, love, choir practice is Thursday night.

I'm at work.

Well, you don't have to do your rug tonight.

Why don't you get on with your bottle of Hastings tapestry for the church?

Oh, and while you're at it, the vicar thought that King Harold's chain -mailed

skirt ought to be lowered about four inches.

Well, he studies those sort of things.

No, no, no, that's not where he got the arrow. No.

No, love, it was in his eye.

Oh, well, if you put it there, leave it. It'll just look silly, that's all.

Here you are.

Five coffees and three teas.

Which is which?

The teas is the one with the froth on top.

That's on account of the fact that Elsie cleans out the tea urn on a Wednesday

and she's a bit lavish with the detergent.

Why isn't the coffee frothy? Well, Miss Wodonga does that and she uses Vim.

By the way, there's three water biscuits each.

They're all soggy.

That's right, because they're made with real water.

Did you know that the Americans won't buy our biscuits?

No, I didn't know that, Mr. Tedds. Why is that?

They say that there are more than the acceptable number of mouse hairs in

They look at them through a microscope, you know. Very finicky people.

He's not serious, is he?

No, there's all sorts of... of rubbish and bacteria in all the food we eat.

Fortunately, we can't see it. Yes, you ought to look at a piece of gorgonzola

cheese through a microscope.

All that greedy stuff is full of big bugs with long wavy eyes.

Don't I've got some in the pantry, me mother's alone in the house.

I reckon if a visitor from outer space came here and ate our food, they'd

probably die.

Well, if they saw that tea with that froth on it, they wouldn't stop here

anyway, would they?

I had an artist's impression of an extraterrestrial being.

Ooh, it was horrible.

Great big pink thing it was with no hair, big boogly eyes and sticky out

Sorry to keep you waiting.

That's quite all right, Mr. Rambolter.

We've saved all the water biscuits for you. Oh, my favourite, thank you.

I've got a favourite biscuit, but I can't remember the name of it.

I know it's got something to do with Friday.

Yes, well, after that astounding piece of information, can we get on?

Yes, I'm ready.

Well, it's common knowledge that sales are seriously down and drastic measures

have to be taken.

Mr Rumbold has had a meeting with young Mr Grace and he will now inform us of

the result.

Yes, well, I'm afraid it's more serious than we thought.

Every economy has been carefully considered. Many of them will be put

effect. But I'm afraid we can't avoid the one we all feared the most.

Staff reductions.

This department cannot escape, and I'm afraid somebody will have to go.

But I deeply regret this. It's no exaggeration to say this is the saddest

my life.

May I be the first to say goodbye to you, sir, on behalf of all of us?

May I thank you on behalf of all of us for all the little kindness you've shown

us? And I know that I speak for every one of us when we wish you every best of

luck in finding yourself a new job, which, of course, at your age will be no

easy task.

Mr. Lucas, have you gone mad?

Redundancies don't apply to executives at my level.

Oh, in that case, may I say I'm sorry I am.

So is one of us what's going to get the tin tank?

And may I also say that it does not apply to middle management at my level.

Well, there has been a further meeting about that, and as a result... I must

that it definitely does apply to middle management at your level. May I be the

first to say goodbye to you, sir, and on the hour of order... Shut up and sit

down!

Well, who is going to go? We might as well know the worth.

Well, for some time, young Mr. Grace has wanted to introduce worker

participation into all major policy decisions.

He would therefore like you, the workers, to decide which one of you is

go. Bath Oliver.

Oh, where does he work?

That's my favourite biscuit.

I've been sitting here racking my brain to remember what it was. I knew it had

something to do with Friday.

Friday night is my bath night.

Haven't you been listening? We've got to cut down.

We had to during the war, you know. We were only allowed five inches.

And I used to share mine with Mrs. Thames.

You haven't been listening, have you?

No, I haven't. The department's running at a loss, and one of us is going to get

the sack.

Oh, who is he?

Last in, first out, I say.

Well, I was last in.

And may I be the first to say goodbye?

which I'm sure you intended to do and would have done if you'd ever got round

doing them.

You're full of old -world charm today, aren't you? What have I ever done to

Nothing, because the only time I let you take me out, that usherette adds a new

battery in her torch.

I don't see why we'd need a ladies' department at all.

Well, I am of the opinion that those who are nearest to retirement should leave

now and not drag it out.

Don't forget your handbag, Mrs. Slocum.

Right, fairy cake!

So it's all coming out now, is it?

Ladies and gentlemen, please, please, sit down, Mrs. Slocum, let us preserve

niceties.

You know, I'm put in mind of the year 1912, when that gallant explorer, the

Captain Scott...

was trapped in the frozen wastes of the Antarctic in a tent with a handful of

companions.

The blizzard was blowing fiercely outside, the temperature was 45 degrees

and the dwindling food supplies were obviously insufficient to allow them all

survive.

No one knew the situation better than the brave Captain Oates.

One night, he got up from his sleeping bag and said very casually,

I'm just going outside for a while.

He never came back.

He had made the decision to sacrifice himself in order to save his companions.

If that happened today, they'd have all eaten Captain Scott.

Oh, just look at that.

What are you all applauding for?

You, Mr. Ted, sacrificing yourself for our jobs.

Don't be silly.

I'm going to spend a penny.

No one's second thoughts, no.

It puts me in mind of the story of lone John Silver, who left the room for a

while, and when he came back, they handed him the back spot.

Well, what did that mean?

That was a pirate's way of telling you you've had your chips.

Well, how are we going to decide?

I couldn't help overhearing your conversation.

due to the fact that I've been listening to every word.

If I may say so, as a fully paid -up union man, I am very experienced at such

matters, and when we wish to make a momentous decision, like getting rid of

government, we hold a secret ballot.

Very good idea. Let's all write down who we think should go. Yes, use my bill,

Pat. And I think you should also write down the reasons for your choice. That

will help me when I explain to young Mr Grace.

Excuse me, brother.

When you've cast your votes, put your votes in here, and I'll be the

stakeholder. And suppose we want to vote you out?

You can't, because I'm the stakeholder, and I have your votes, please.

You know, it's a very difficult decision for me to make, but I have such a warm,

personal regard for every one of you.

It's a pity we haven't got Robin Day here, isn't it? You know, to give us a

state of the parties like they do at the election. Oh, yes. Last time when he

said he thought that Billy Rickey was going the other way, I nearly cut

Well,

now, let's see what we've got.

You keep the score, Howard. Now,

the first name suggested for redundancy is Mr. Lucas.

Reason. He was the last in, so he should be the first out.

I wonder who wrote that.

One against Mr Lucas.

Mrs Slocum.

Reason?

Because she's a crabby old cow.

Who dared write that?

It's written in blue pencil.

One against Mrs Slocum and fine to go.

Miss Browns. Reason?

Non -cooperation at the Christmas party.

Mr. Thames, reason past it.

Past it?

Would you say I was past it, Mr. Thames? Certainly not, Mr. Thames. There's

minutes left in you.

Well,

let's press on, shall we?

Oh, Captain Peacock.

Reason. He is disrespectful to Mr. Rumble behind his back.

For instance, he holds a plate to each side of his head saying the words, guess

who?

Signed, your devoted servant, Dick Lucas.

Is this true?

It's a figment of Mr. Lucas's diseased imagination.

All right, then, sources.

Well, one more to go.

Oh, this one just says, don't know, signed Mr. Humphreys.

Still sitting on the fence then, Mr. Humphreys.

That way you can see what's growing in both gardens.

My calculation is that it's a draw.

Mr Humphreys failed to score.

Which is unusual for you, Mr Humphreys.

It's been a most interesting experiment in worker participation.

Although totally inconclusive.

Not at all, no.

My report to young Mr Grace will simply say that we reached a unanimous don't

know. One thing has emerged from this very clearly.

The most popular person in the department is Mr Humphreys. Nobody

the back of him.

That's unusual for me, isn't it?

About economy cuts, this is ridiculous.

Fancy cutting our stocking allowance.

Well, our legs don't look too bad now. It was a good idea of yours, staining

them lightly.

They'll look better when I put the seams in.

What are you talking about?

We used to do it during the war.

You'd draw a line up the back with an eyebrow pencil.

Stand on that chair.

And for heaven's sake, keep still. I can't bear...

up to?

I'm just putting the finishing touch on Miss Brahms with an eyebrow pencil.

Blimey, she must have long eyebrows.

She's the cat's mother.

All right, then a cat's mother must have long eyebrows.

They've cut our clothing allowance and we're not wearing our own gear.

That's nothing. They've got such low lights in the accounts department they

can't see to eat their chapati.

menswear. I'm having an argy -bargy in Rambaud's office.

They always got their shirt they shooed free. I never thought it was fair.

Oh. I see you've managed to hold on to your shirt then.

Not entirely.

Oh, I'm here. It's pencil day.

Hang about.

There's two of us, you know. Oh, sorry.

That's part of Mr. Grace's economy drive.

We didn't cut it in too far.

Well, we tried to, but we couldn't get it in the pencil sharpener. Oh, hello.

Hello, Captain Peacock.

I see you've managed to hold on to your scarf shirt.

Yes, but I suffered defeat in some other directions.

For instance, I've had to submit to a Japanese handkerchief.

Oh, it looks quite nice.

Well, only superficially. There's no body or stiffness in the material.

It can't stand up to the least vibration.

Has anyone seen Mr. Tibbs? Not since he heard that Mr. Pengelly from Garden

Furniture had got the sack because his hair's gone grey.

Oh, marvellous. It makes the years drop away.

They assured me it was quite undetectable.

It would be.

It would be if he took the price tag off. Come here.

Use from upstairs.

Yes, I left Mr. Rumbold on the phone to young Mr. Grace. We should be heading

something quite soon.

Pay attention, everybody.

I have a very important announcement to make.

Who are you?

I'm young Mr.

Ted.

Good heavens.

Well, it's as I feared. Young Mr. Grace feels that this department could well be

run with one less counter -assistant.

Well, that can't apply to the ladies. There's only two of us to start with.

Well, it is felt that the ladies' department could well be run by one

the gentlemen's by two.

Well, then who is going to get that shop?

Well, young Mr. Grace is most anxious that everyone should have a fair chance

and to be allowed to state his case.

To that end, on Saturday afternoon, he will join us and he will look into every

aspect of everyone's talent and capabilities and on that basis he will

So, till Saturday afternoon, hmm?

When the axe will fall.

You shave your moustache off, you could get a good job as Harry Seacombe.

What have you got there?

They're making a book down in Packing and there's heavy bets on who's going

who's staying.

Well, you can scratch me off a list, because it's been decided after all that

management at my level are staying.

That's messed up the odds, because I got you down as 50 to 1 on the go.

Chester Peacock, non -runner.

What odds are the others then?

Slocum, experienced mayor, despite weight and... Could stay the field, even

money, favourite.

Brahms, filly, last time out was at the Christmas party.

to 1.

Ted's long in a tooth, throat and wind.

Age and weight goes against this runner.

50 to 1.

Lucas, young stallion, enjoys his oats but never passes a filly.

He's always a good finisher.

Ask Nancy, the lift girl.

10 to 1.

What about me?

I got you down as a good each way bet. Thank you.

We'll have to start with orders.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Good afternoon.

Now

then,

sir, the first question that we have to decide is whether Miss Brahms or Mrs

Slocum should go.

And Slocum first in front.

I'd like to say a few words on behalf of Miss Browns. Carry on, Mr Lucas.

Right, thank you.

Well, well then... Excuse me.

Stand up when you address Mr Grace.

I'm sorry, your honour.

May it please your lordship.

When I go into a lady's shop, I think it's very nice to see a nice pretty girl

behind the counter.

Especially if she's got long sexy legs and big... How can you see her legs if

she's behind the counter?

You can stand on two... Toe.

The dick's in open room.

Thank you very much, Your Lordship.

And now I suggest that Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocum show us their legs and all

that we can affect their merit.

Slocum 101 to get the sack.

I must say a word for Mrs. Slocum. I cannot have her subjected to this

exhibition. My legs are not unseemly.

Oh, shut up. I'm on your side.

If I go into a ladies' shop to buy a pair of tights, I'm not interested in

looking at girls.

I'd like to see a nice motherly figure with an understanding smile.

And what, may I ask, are you doing going into ladies' shops buying tights? I

don't know, but if I did, that's what I'd like to see, a motherly figure with

understanding smile.

The question we have to decide, Mr. Gates, is this.

Do we prefer someone with a lot of experience and a little older, or

with long, sexy legs?

Well, I prefer somebody with a lot of experience and dog sexiness.

I don't know about that, but my legs are sexier than Mrs.

Cloakham's. Stop influencing, Mr. Grace.

Too late, I've been influenced.

Before you decide, sir, we should examine the men.

I don't want to see their legs.

Sir, if I might just read an extract from Mr. Ted's record.

It would be upstanding, Mr. Ted.

Mr. Tebbs has been with this firm over 40 years.

He was 12 years with Bathroom Fittings, received 76 citations for selling

complete marbleized bathroom suites, and 1968 received long service pen and

pencil set.

That was a memorable day.

Mrs. Tebbs got drunk.

Captain of the Grace Brothers Bowls Team, Secretary of Grace Brothers Darts

Club, tireless worker for Grace Brothers Benevolent Fund for Distressed

Salespersons. 1976, after 40 years devoted service, was honoured by

sir, for the tea party in the boardroom.

He's had a bloody boring life, hasn't he?

Enough. Enough. I've heard enough.

It's been a long, glittering career.

From now on, it could be nothing more than an anticlimax.

I realise I must step aside and make room for a younger man to climb to the

dizzy heights which I have occupied for so long.

how stupid of me to try to look younger.

It was only because I'd hoped to save up to take Mrs. Thames for her last

holiday to her birthplace in Wales for old time's sake to bang her.

I realise now I probably

shan't be able to afford it.

So,

Farewell, my friends, my counter, and my life.

Oh, no, I can't bear it. Stop it now. Bring it back.

I'll go. I resign. No, no, I'm young. I'm the youngest. I'll go.

You won't out of your go, because I'm going, and I'm not having any argument.

One of these days, I'll be his age.

Mr. Grace, I resign, and I am unanimous in that.

Well, let's get one thing absolutely clear. No one is allowed to resign.

I've been defied. Who's going to go?

Oh, in that case...

What about the economy cuts?

Oh, they've been cancelled.

I'm introducing a three -day week.

What, for the store?

Oh, no, no, no. For me, it's very boring in my office.

Supposing something comes up while you're in the country?

We'll send him somebody with long, sexy legs and lots of experience.

I think he'd do much better with an understanding smile.

Thank you very much.

Time out!