Original subtitles

Ah,

Mr. Humphrey's son.

If you've got a moment to spare, there are the frames you asked for.

Thank you, Mr Hartman. And you'd better hurry up and chew them before old

Peacock gets back from his coffee break. What do you want these for? I get these

terrible headaches.

I told you you shouldn't do that needlepoint.

I don't do needlepoint.

Not now that I'm doing the lace mats.

Oh.

Is that me?

Blimey, your eyes are bad.

I mean, are they in harmony with my personality?

Well, they would be if you bought an electric organ to go with them.

Here, try these.

Oh, no.

People think I can only fold half of them.

Ah, now, these are good. Oh, no. Oh, these are definitely me.

What do you think?

Well, there'll be Andy for looking through leather boxes.

Do you know, I haven't done that since I went carol singing as a little lad.

Did you see Mummy kissing Santa Claus?

As a matter of fact, I think she was trying to push him back up the chimney.

Ah, now, these definitely, eh?

Oh, yes, my mind is made up, firm as concrete. No matter what anybody says, I

will say.

Mr. Humphreys, take off those ridiculous glasses.

Yes, Captain Peter.

Harlan, get off the floor.

Take this thing with you.

That is the camisole, and these are the matching pantaloons. Are you

sure this is the trendy thing the girls are wearing today?

No,

that's convinced me.

Cheeky monkey.

Where was I?

Oh, you're telling me about this Greek fellow you're keen on, Mr.

Metaxas.

Mr. Metaxas.

Anyway, where did you meet him?

Well, me and Mrs. Axelby was in this Greek restaurant.

On your own?

Well, you don't always want to go with men, do you?

Anyway, he was sitting alone in a corner, and he was staring.

You know how they do.

Well, after a while, he sent a note over.

saying he'd like to give us both an ouzo.

That's of everyone.

It's a drink.

Anyway, as Mrs. Axelby said, what have we got to lose?

Well, it turns out that he's very well known there because of his bazooka.

What's that?

Well, it's a sort of funny -shaped Greek banjo.

And when he played, never on Sunday were we all through play.

No, you do that. It's a Greek custom.

Oh, you seem to know an awful lot about it.

Well, it may be that I shall need to.

Can you keep a secret? Oh, cross me out.

I've been out with him every night for a month.

And last night, he popped the question.

Do you mean he's asked you to marry him?

It's a secret.

Did I hear something, Mrs. Slogan?

It was supposed to be a secret.

Mr. Thames, Mr. Humphreys, Mr. Lucas, come over here at once.

I've got some startling news for you.

Mrs. Slocum is going to get married.

Has she been advertising again?

He got her with his bazooka.

Well, she's a big enough target.

Bazooka, Miss Blanc.

Oh, yeah, he's a Greek banjo player.

Well done, dear.

As my mother always says, there's always someone for everyone.

Well, almost everyone.

Mrs. Slocum, I've always had a great affection for you. Does this mean that

we're going to lose you?

Oh, no, I've no plans to leave.

Oh, damn it.

When's the happy event?

Hang about, she hasn't even got married yet.

Captain Peacock.

You are employed to keep order in this department, not to encourage gossiping

round the counters.

Mrs. Slocum's going to get married.

Oh, allow me to be the first to congratulate you.

Actually, you're the last.

Well, be that as it may, we are here to serve customers, so perhaps you'll all

go back to your counters.

In the meantime, may I wish you every happiness on behalf of Grace Brothers,

take this opportunity to remind you that your...

A trousseau, your wedding dress, furnishings for your future home are all

obtainable in Grace Brothers at the usual staff discount, of course.

This also applies to bathroom fittings, carpets, hardware, and in the fullness

of time, prams and layette.

Oh, sure told.

When Mrs. Sloan told us the news yesterday, you could have knocked me

a feather.

She didn't look too happy this morning. She's worried about the cost of the

wedding. It's the bride's family what pays, and she's the only one what's

Catering can cost a fortune these days.

Well, I know. She actually started out getting a quote for champagne and smoked

salmon, and now she's working on meat paste and brown ale.

Well, if she hasn't any next of kin, who's going to give it away?

Well, perhaps her friend Mrs. Axleby will put on a morning suit and top hat.

Very good idea.

She's got the moustache already.

You are horrible.

She'd ask me to be her bridesmaid.

She'd probably ask Mr. Humphreys to be her page.

I was a page boy once. I had a page boy bob, a full fauntleroy collar, black

velvet trousers, knee breeches, silk stockings, patent leather shoes with

buckles on white gloves.

I'll bet you looked sweet. How old were you?

Thirty -one.

I was in the basement of Gary and Tom's. We did an amateur production of Twelfth

Night. I was the lovely Viola.

Couldn't they find a girl?

Well, not in tools and do -it -yourself.

I didn't know you were in do -it -yourself. Well, it's not something you

talk about.

Ah, we hear you're having problems with the wedding arrangements.

Well, everything cost so much.

Perhaps we could persuade young Mr. Grace to give you a special price for

reception. Oh, I wouldn't want to ask him.

Well, as the senior man on the floor, perhaps I could put a word in.

What date had you in mind for the wedding?

Well, as soon as possible.

Hello, hello, hello.

I know to what you are inferring, Mr. Lucas.

And Mr. Metaxas isn't that kind of man at all.

Hello, hello, hello.

The number of the situation is, Mr. Grace, that Mrs. Slocum is taking a

Whose husband?

No, sir. She's getting married to a Greek.

She's done me the honour of asking me to give her away, so I've undertaken the

arrangement. Naturally, she wants the usual reception before the honeymoon,

we wondered if we could persuade you to let her have it in the boardroom.

Not much of a place for the honeymoon.

No, sir.

I suppose we could... put a mattress on the table.

Could she have the boardroom for the reception?

Yes, it's to be on the 30th, sir. Oh, it's booked that day, sir.

You're giving her a tea party for distressed nightclub hostess.

That's right.

I do quite a lot of charitable work, you know.

Why don't you use the department?

Would you allow that, sir? Of course, as long as we do the catering. Give me the

card.

Here we are.

Yes, well, she could have...

Smoked salmon, breast of chicken and asparagus tips, petit four with

Six quid a knob.

I'm afraid we can't run to that, sir. All right, we'll do the packing

special for Japanese tin champagne and a few dead things in jelly.

They'll never know the difference.

Well, is there anything else?

I don't think so, sir.

All right, well, go away.

Thank you, sir.

Where were we before you let them in?

Well, I was betting my dress against your shirt and trousers, and then you

just going to see me.

Oh, oh, oh, I see.

Did you shout?

Oh, my gosh.

I've got a flash.

Hello,

Mother. I'm going to be late.

I've got to alter a dress.

No, not for me, dear, for a colleague.

A female colleague.

Yes.

We'll put mine in the oven.

Well, if it's a salad, what's all the fuss about?

Now, I'm going.

No,

don't worry. No, I won't take the shortcut across the park.

No. Anyway, they've caught that man.

Right,

come along, dear. I haven't got all night.

I knew she'd choose the Princess Grace model.

What do you think?

Well, that train will have to go for a start.

Oh, on second thought, you could use it as a top sheet on the bridal bed.

Turn around.

Oh, um, yes, it's going to need letting out just a bit there.

What did you choose this one for?

It was reduced by 50%.

Well, if we could reduce you by 50%, we'd be in business.

Hang on to the counter. Miss Brom, take her shoulders.

That's it. Right.

Now, um... Now, take a deep breath in.

And second part, take a deep breath out. That's it.

That's it. I've got it.

Got a bit of a problem here.

You couldn't hide that with Hugh Gordon.

Oh, answer that, Miss Brown.

What are we going to do?

Well, if it comes to the push, I could run you something up in barbed wire.

It protects the property but doesn't obscure the view.

Mrs. Slocum, it's Ivy. She's got your call to the Greek restaurant.

Oh. Oh, great.

Better pin that up before you break your leg. Why couldn't you choose a short

one? I couldn't. We're getting married. Greek Orthodox.

Oh, is that you, Mr. Timaides?

Could I have a word with Mr.

Metaxas, please?

It's his fiancée, Mrs.

Slocum.

Oh, oh, well, it's all right, I'll wait. He's just finishing his turn.

He's ever so popular.

Who's in the audience, the National Front?

What was that, Mr. Tamades?

Oh, I see.

Oh, he's having to take an encore.

Well, look, will you just tell him that I'll be a little bit late, but I've got

some wonderful, exciting news.

What's the wonderful, exciting news?

He's going to have a topless wedding.

No. No, you see, I wrote to this uncle of mine in America.

And I invited him to the wedding. Well, you know how you do. I mean, he's very

well off, and I thought he might give us something rather nice.

Well, this morning, I got this letter from him. And he's coming to the

And do you know what he's giving us? No.

House. No.

He is.

And he's coming all that way.

Well, it's all because I'm marrying a Greek.

You see, it... that the partisan saved his father -in -law's life during the

war, and then he left him his business. So, of course, he's very grateful.

Oh, fancy.

It's like a Hollywood story.

As a matter of fact, I think I've seen the film.

Joan Crawford played my part.

Who played my part?

Walter Brennan.

Anyway, we're going to have to do it properly, you know.

We're going to have to have a band and dancing and taramasalata.

That's going to be expensive.

Oh, well, I dare say Mr.

Metaxas will chip in. I mean, he's not mean.

He's taking me to Greece for our honeymoon.

He's already put a down payment on a package deal.

I'm going to meet his family.

Hang on.

See. This is his family at his sister's wedding.

That's him with his bouquet.

Oh, with him.

round in them skirts.

Oh, there is brother.

How much is this package?

Oh, here you are. Two cases of bubbly from the wine and spirit department.

That'll be enough.

Well, there's no need to stint ourselves.

Mrs. Slocum's uncle is footing the bill, so bring up another dozen.

And that's why I...

How do we look? A credit to the department.

I can't say the same for Mr. Thames.

Who took these damn measurements?

Let's see what you can do, Mr. Humphries. Come on, come on.

There's a car coming in half an hour to take us to the church.

Young Mr. Grace has very kindly let us have his rose to take the bride,

yourself, and Miss Brahms. Oh, how very generous of him, sir. Yes, it is. He's

only charging us £12.

Has anyone got a safety pin?

She's having trouble with her corsage.

Miss Brahms, may I say how charming you look.

Oh, thank you, Captain Peacock.

Well, you should see Mrs. Slocum. It's a beautiful frock. It makes her look

about 16.

A remarkable garment indeed.

I'm sorry, sir, the store is closed.

Yes, yes, I know this.

I am Mr. Tomiades.

I am looking for the Captain Peacock. I am Captain Peacock.

I don't know how I am telling you this. It is Mr. Matakis.

He is in this aeroplane.

What's he doing in an aeroplane? He's only coming from Wimbledon. He hasn't

an accident, has he?

No, no.

Poor Mr. Matakis.

He is my friend.

He so wanted that he should marry the beautiful Mrs. Slocum.

Well, in about half an hour he will.

No. No, we Greeks, we are the funny people.

You know, we are very close together. There is this member of his family who

here he is to be married and say, no, no, no, no, no, he must go home.

So he go home.

Well, who is this member of his family?

His wife.

He's a good man.

He apologize and say that he want to give Mrs. Slocum the most precious thing

that he have.

His bouzouki.

Do not feel bad about him. It was the ouzo that proposed.

Now the bottle is empty.

It's all right, Miss Brahms. I've fixed it.

Now, shut your eyes, everybody.

You can open them now.

How do I look?

Insensitive girl.

Oh, oh, you do all look nice.

It's ever so kind of you to dress up so smart for me.

Do you know, I've never seen you look nicer, Mr. Tebbs.

Well, I wanted to look my best.

Oh, and Captain Peacock.

Hello, what's that doing here?

Mr. Tomadi's delivered it.

Oh, perhaps it's an old Greek custom.

Oh, it's... Isn't it a beautiful one?

The priceless, you know.

Perhaps I'm supposed to carry it up the aisle.

We're not going to be late for the church, are we, Mr Humphreys?

You've got all the time in the world!

Come into the fitting room, Betty. I have one or two things to explain to

It'll finish.

I'd marry her, Miss Holmes, but I think she's got enough trouble.

Well, I wonder how she's going to take it.

Hers was such a frail, tender love.

Miss Lockham's uncle is coming straight here instead of to the church.

Didn't he think it was funny?

Well, I told him that we'd explain everything when he got here. At least it

gives us time to think.

Perhaps if we give him a good party and fill him full of champagne, he'll pay

for the reception anyway.

How is she?

Well, she's stopped throwing the furniture about. Now she's just crying.

Oh, that poor woman.

Not only has she lost her husband, she's lost a house to put him in.

You mean her uncle won't give her the house now?

It was only because she was going to marry a Greek she was getting it in the

first place.

Hey, listen, couldn't we get that Greek vicar over here and pretend she was

getting married in the store?

Yeah, like the Mollywood wedding.

Even assuming we could persuade a Greek Orthodox priest to be a party to such a

blasphemy, where are we going to find a substitute Greek bridegroom and best

man? Well, we've got a Greek band coming. Perhaps a couple of them will

for us. It's worth a try.

The only way she'll get that out... Oh, no, I really can't go along with this.

No? Well, let me put it another way, Mr. Rumbled.

Who signed the chit ordering the food, the band, and the cars in the

that Mrs. Slocum's uncle was going to pay for it?

Well, I did. Yes, so who's going to have to pay for it if there is no Greek

wedding?

Yes,

I take your point. Well, this calls for executive action. Miss Barnes, go and

tell Mrs. Slocum what I've decided to do. Mr. Humphreys, Mr. Lucas, waylay the

band to see if you can get us a best man and a bridegroom.

Well, even assuming they're successful, where do we get a Greek picker?

The art of leadership is in delegation.

Mr. Thames, I delegate you.

To find a Greek vicar?

No, to be one.

I have no cognizance of the tongue.

I don't suppose her American uncle has either, for no one's going to be any the

whiter. This bill's for nearly £150.

What are you doing?

Mrs. Fulton's guests are here, and I take the liberty of putting them in the

fruit juice bar.

Oh, and I've got your records. Here comes the bride, followed by your

Greek wedding chant.

What about the groom's guests?

A couple of Greeks did turn up, but I sussed them out by the ouzo on their

breath. And I told them the venue had been changed to a Chinese restaurant in

Palmer's Green.

Good thinking.

I'm still not at all sure about Mr. Tebb's ability to disguise himself as a

Greek Orthodox priest.

Ah, you don't want to worry. He's gone down at Fabrics now, getting kitted out

with some very regal -looking curtain material.

And he'll be all right as long as you don't touch the hat.

The hat? The one I knocked off the chef.

I've gone over it with some black enamel, you see, and if he keeps his

off it till the third chorus of Abide With Me, we're home and dry.

I hope this is going to work. She's in a ripe state.

Poor dear lady, she's had more than anyone can take.

Yes, she's had three large brandies, you know.

Is she going to go through with it? Oh, yes.

She'll go through with anything rather than let her friends know she's been

stood up.

Blimey, Archbishop only tells this.

I don't think that'll convince anyone.

Don't be so cynical, Captain Peacock. I believe he's throwing myself into a

role. Well, I think it's a splendid effort, Mr Terence. Thank you. Is that

altar? Over here, Your Eminence.

I picked this up in the second -hand book department.

It's about the right size for a Greek Bible.

It's the British Boys' Annual.

Well, it was either that or the Guinness Book of Records.

If you pull this off, you'll be in the Guinness Book of Records.

Look out, young Mr. Grace.

Grubbold, Grubbold, is it true that you cancelled my car?

Yes, sir.

You have to pay for it, you know.

Who's that?

Oh, this here, Mr. Grace, sir, is His Right Royal Eminence, the Archbishop

Alitosis, who has flown direct from Haffens to perform the ceremony right

in the store.

Pleased to meet you.

Ego, pego, ali, pali, mospros.

Business has been rotten in this store, too.

What on earth have you got that on for?

Well, I'm the best man, aren't I? The Greek band wouldn't play ball by getting

ten quid and they said they'd play the music and keep their mouths shut.

They lent me this out of their costume basket.

Oh, by the way, the guests downstairs are fed up drinking orange juice and

juice. They're coming up now.

Well, where's Mr. Humphreys? He's standing in front of a mirror trying to

himself look like a Greek husband.

And let's face it, he's playing against type.

Welcome to the ceremony. I am Mr. Alderman, the usher.

Brides, guests on the left.

Guests on the right, please take your positions.

Right the way through there, madam, if you'd like to go across... Hey there,

Wendell P. Clark.

Yes, well, I'm Rumble, the manager of this department. This is Captain

our floor walker. You must be Mrs. Slocum's uncle.

Yes, sir, and I understand from the guests that you're going to have the

ceremony right here. That's a great idea.

Oh, pleased to see your eminence.

Euripides Aristotle Polydor...

I was in Greece during the war, and I understand some of your customs.

Gee,

I've got to make a donation to their church. That guy's held up with safety

pins.

You, sir, I presume, are the groom.

Me, Mr.

Leucopolis. Me, Beth DeManna. Oh, pleased to meet you. Yeah, nice to meet

too. Now, where is my little niece, Betty? I haven't seen her since she was

high. She's had a pretty little girl.

You'll probably notice quite a change.

Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir.

That is the groom.

You may remember the...

The uniform of the Greek National Guard.

Some of the finest fighting soldiers in the whole wide world.

They've never been known to turn their backs on the enemy.

Fantastic.

Me, Mr.

Metaxas. I've just met your best man, Mr.

Leupopolis. No, Leupopolis. We come from Samey Village.

Oh, where is that?

Hoftas.

Perhaps you'd like to go and fetch the prize.

Certainly, sir.

Mrs. Slocum, are you free?

Mr.

Harmon, play the music.

I'll wait for it.

Congratulations, my dear.

That's it, that's it.

Drop up, champagne on the table.

Hold everything.

What about the bridal dance?

The bridal dance? Oh, yeah. At every Greek wedding I've attended, the bridal

couple, they lead the guests in the bridal dance.

That's right. Clear the floor, ladies and gentlemen.

Now then.

Mr. and Mrs. Patakis, bridal dance, if you please.