Original subtitles

I'm going to the ladies' department.

Oh, I'll come with you. No, darling, no. You go over there.

Choose the material.

Have a coat made for little Roger, because Roger feels the cold, don't you,

Roger? Because you're shivering with a little tumbleweed.

Well, where shall I meet you?

I'll come back for you. Where?

There. Oh, do concentrate. You're so vague. Oh, yes, of course.

Are you being served, sir? No.

Are you an assistant?

No.

Actually, I'm in charge of the floor.

Oh.

Well, I must say it looks very nice.

Perhaps I should rephrase that.

I'm the floor walker. It's my job to help you find what you're looking for.

Well, I'm looking for a maid to measure coat.

Ah, in that case, you'll require the services of our Mr. Thames.

Are you free, Mr. Thames? Not at the moment, Captain Peacock. I must re -nap

this halberd.

Well, in that case, I'm sure our Mr Humphreys can help you. Mr Humphreys.

free.

Come here, please.

Good morning, sir. Good morning. The customer would like a coat made to

He'll no doubt wish to see some materials. Would you show him a length

Well, I'm sure Mr Lupus and I can find something between us. Would you walk

way, sir?

Are you free, Mr Lupus?

You just seem to have caught me in the middle of nothing.

In that case, forward with the swatches.

Swatches coming up, Mr Humphreys.

This one is a scotch swatch.

This is top -quality worsted. We call this the top -notch swatch.

In fact, we have a whole lot of top -notch swatches. This is pure Irish

This material is actually washed in the waters of the Liffey. Isn't that so, Mr.

Luther? Oh, yes, Mr. Rumpies. In fact, when it first arrived, you could still

smell the Guinness.

See how well it goes with Sir's complexion. Oh, it's not for me.

Oh, no.

No, it's for my friend, Roger.

Oh, yes.

No, that wouldn't go with his eyes at all.

What coloured eyes has he got?

Well, they're very deep brown and they're big, round and soulful.

Well, you wouldn't want rubbish like that, would you?

How about black velvet?

Yes, I quite like it, but... Well, for rolling about on the carpet, it does

up the bits.

What are you thinking of, Mr Lucas?

Oh, that's rather fun.

Don't you think he'll be too bold for the trousers?

Oh, he doesn't wear trousers.

Just short plastic leggings when it's wet.

All the people in the village know him.

I'm not surprised.

He's unbelievably intelligent. He knows just what you want.

He sounds quite a character.

Oh, he is.

Do you know, many of the time I've woken up in the morning and there he is, in

the bed with a ball between his teeth.

Did you choose anything?

Oh, yes, this will do fine.

Would you care to measure, little Roger?

I'm just going for a lie down. Take your... There we are, madam.

Thank you so much for your custom. And if the D cup isn't comfy, do bring it

back. We'll see what we can do with the hat stretcher.

Where was I?

He'd just arrived at the doctor's. Oh, yes. Anyway, the nurse said I'd have to

see the locum.

Well, when you've sat in the waiting room for an hour, read all the papers,

found out that Hitler's just invaded Poland, you don't care who you see.

Well, by this time, it was half past eight, and I was fed up.

So I went straight in, I stripped off, and I lay on the couch.

Well, I hadn't been there a minute when this very young man in a white coat came

in.

And he sort of ignored me, you know.

So I said, come on, I said, I haven't got all night.

Examine me.

And did he?

He did.

He blew on his hands and he gave me a right going over.

Top to toe.

Well, I said, what's the verdict?

Is it me kidneys?

Was it your kidneys?

I never found out.

His foreman came in and told him to get back to his painting.

Here we are, Mr. Tocum. Mr. Harmon, the store is open.

Socrates are supposed to deliver goods before nine or after five.

Captain Peacock, this very expensive model has just arrived direct from the

factory. Mr. Brumbold has asked me to bring it up here to suite.

Now, if this was Star Trek, I would put it on the transporter beam in the

cellar, it would dissolve in a lot of light, and reappear up here.

Unfortunately, Grace Brothers is only sufficiently scientifically advanced for

me to use a barrel.

Shall I take it down again?

No. Just leave it there and take yourself down.

When we take over, you'll be the first to go. You know that, don't you?

And what's this, Mr Harmon?

This is the new point -of -sale model for the Flexi Bra.

No matter how wayward your figure, Flexi Bra will cling to it and control it

like a second skin.

Shall I demonstrate?

Oh, very well, Mr. Harmon.

Gather round, everybody. The flexi -bra model has arrived.

I don't think there'll be much call for that at Grace Brothers.

Oh, I don't know. I've got it done with one of them last night at the disco.

Well, I've come across a few in my travels, but it's the first time I've

them take evasive action.

I think that Mr.

Harmon should take it back to where from whence it came from.

If Mr. Rumbold wishes us to sell the garment, then I think we must try it

Ah, excuse me, madam. I wonder if we could interest you in the new flexi

However wayward your figure, the flexi -bra will cling to it and control it.

I know all about them, thank you. In fact, I wear one.

And I have the matching pants.

Now, you understand

how this works, Mr. Grace. It's like your pacemaker.

Every time you feel any stress, this little light will flash, like this.

And you know what to do then.

Yes, I know.

When I start flashing, I'll call for you.

That's right.

Now, this is the battery for the spare charger, and it plugs in here.

Will there be anything else, Mr. Gray? No.

Send my secretary in.

Mr. Rumbold?

No, this is Mr. Grace. You've got the wrong number.

Mr.

Grace, this is Mr. Rumbold.

Ah, yes. Oh, I'm glad you called.

Somebody's trying to get hold of you.

I'm going to hang up.

Mr.

Grace, this is me, Mr. Rumbold. It was me the first time.

Well, why didn't you say so?

What?

It's about the social club, sir. I've spoken to my department.

They're all jolly keen on the idea and they all want to join.

Ah, yes. Well, my secretary's got the details.

She's doing a bit of filing at the moment.

I'll get her to get them. Miss Bagwell?

No, no, no, not that.

I want the details of the club.

Here we are, sir.

Yes, you can have room five.

Oh, thank you very much, sir. May I say we're all very thrilled.

Now.

I cannot

agree. I think we

all see enough of each other during the day without meeting again.

They'll probably have one of those new microwave ovens. You know, roast beef,

Yorkshire pud, boiled potatoes and peas. Two minutes flat.

Uneatable.

We had a club down in the basement when I was a junior at Derry and Tom's.

I only went once.

After it was bombed by the Zeppelins?

Ignore him. He only sold four pair of Y -fronts this morning and he's very

bitter.

Where was I?

At Derry and Tom's.

In the club.

You continue to be disrespectful to Mrs. Slocum, you will be sent away from this

table and never allowed to eat here again.

You will be blackballed.

Not that as well.

You were telling us about your club, Mrs. Slocum.

Thank you, Captain Peacock.

As I was saying, I only went once.

It was full of men smoking pipes and swilling beer.

I think we should give it a try.

Well, sir, there's usually ping -pong.

Even in the desert, we had ping -pong. Ah, that's what made Britain great.

Yes, that's true. It took over from Bowles, didn't it?

There was Rommel knocking on the gates of El Alamein, and was Captain Peacock

worried? Not a bit of it.

He was winning 2012 in Cairo.

If it weren't for men like Captain Peacock, where would we be now?

Going down to Runefunk to play ze pong, mit ze ping.

I used to belong to a dancing club.

Actually, I got quite good at it.

We used to do charity concerts, a friend and myself, you know, with a top hat

and cane.

We used to call ourselves Fred and Ginger.

I often wonder what's happened to Fred.

Let me say here and now that I think it's an admirable opportunity for us to

meet socially in a convivial atmosphere.

Remove the barriers that separate us on the floor.

An atmosphere where it'll be Percival and Shirley and Elizabeth.

I think it's a very good idea, Steve.

Not until the club opens, Mr... We ought to have a club tie.

That's a good idea, Mr. James. When I belonged to a bowling club, we had a

tie.

It had bowls on it.

That was very inventive.

Nobody was allowed into the club without his tie.

But girls don't wear ties.

Well, you could have club drawers.

Mrs. Slocum wouldn't be allowed in the club without her drawers.

It wasn't me, it was him!

Mr. Humphries, I'm surprised at you. If I could bring a moment of sanity to this

discussion, perhaps we could make a list of all the facilities that we'd like to

incorporate. Ladies first.

Miss Browns? Um, I'd like a jukebox.

If there is a jukebox, I shall resign.

You're not even a member yet.

I cannot stand all that I, Barbara Eber, and who do for poop.

Neither can Mrs. Thames, especially the jitterbug.

That was after the finals at the Amersmith Pally when he tossed her in

and missed.

We'll put down jukebox, question mark.

Mrs. Stokeman.

Well, if I'm to spend an evening in this club, there'll have to be accommodation

for my pussy.

Facilitation facilities.

What exactly do you have in mind, Mrs. Slocum?

Well, a comfy corner with a scratching post.

And a little area of floor where she can play with her clockwork mouse.

Oh, good. I'll bring my Alsatian eat and play with Mrs. Slocum's pussy.

So, he hasn't really got an Alsatian. He's just saying these things to

you to get under your skin.

Well, judging from the size of her, she must have had a lot of aggravating

remarks.

You can include me out. Just a moment, please.

I would like to have a vote here and now that if Mr. Lucas is rude once more to

Mrs. Slocum, he will not be allowed to join the club.

Hands up those in favour.

What are we voting for? It's about being rude to Mrs. Slocum.

I have no objection to that.

Terry.

Help me, sir. What about you? What would you like to see in the club?

Well, I'd like to bring in outsiders.

What sort of outsiders?

Well, I know lots of people in different walks of life.

Yeah, and I've seen some of their different walks.

Could we have a vote about not being rude to me?

I'll put down a guest night query.

I think that should cover it.

Any other suggestions?

Well, I think we should have a weekly dance and get the girls down from

accounts. But accounts is in the basement. How do you get them down?

Well, it'd be every man for himself, wouldn't it?

Before we continue, have you anything to say that will be of any interest

whatever to this table?

Yes.

Well, I'm sure that we'll all be agog with excitement to hear it. Yes, you

probably will be. We're all late back for work. It's five past two. No, it's

not.

I used to come down here in the war when the siren sounded.

You think he made it before they all cleared?

This is it, and it's all yours.

I should like to say that we're very grateful.

Only the words got stuck halfway.

Oh, it's very tough in here. Can't we open a window and let some fresh air in?

Mrs. Lucan, we're below ground.

Well, knock a hole in the wall and let some fresh worms in.

And we've got forced ventilation.

Oh, I enjoyed that.

I didn't come down here just to give you a cheap thrill. You're quite right,

Miss Brahms. Do it again and I'll take the act round.

Mr. Grace is, of course, going to have it decorated.

You don't need a decorator. You need an excavation.

When does one think it might be ready?

Well, that's hard to tell. We haven't even had an estimate in yet.

In the meantime, form your club, draw up your rules, and I'll keep you informed

of development.

Oh, just one other thing. I think we ought to signify to Mr. Grace our

appreciation of his generosity.

Hip -hip!

Hooray! Hip -hip!

Hooray! Hip -hip!

Hooray!

Mr Rumble, sorry, he's delayed with young Mr Grace. And he said, would the

members of the club look through that lot and pick out which ones they would

want? It's the stuff they've been trying to get rid of from decorating.

Oh, and while we're on the subject, will the members of packing, stockroom and

maintenance department be able to avail themselves of the faculties?

We haven't made up our minds.

Oh, I see. Well, it might help you to come to a decision if I tell you, should

the answer be in the negative, you could find yourself a bit short of beer with

a bunged -up carzy.

I'm excused in person, sir. That sounds nicely brought up.

That's rather nice.

Oh, I think it's dead common.

Well, I will say it's very adventurous.

You know, I had a friend once who decorated his room with flower bags.

That sounds rather nice.

Trouble was, he had rising damp and it all broke out in biscuits.

That's nice. It's pure nylon.

Oh, I had a nylon carpet in my front hall, and every morning when I opened

front door to take the milk in, I got a terrible shock.

Perhaps that was because you were wearing a woolen dressing gown. It

the static, you see. No, it happened even when I wasn't wearing my dressing

gown. I expect that gave the milkman a shock.

When it comes to the floor, Mrs. Tebbs is very hot on linoleum.

Do you have it in every room?

Yes, practically.

I'm sorry about the delay.

It's the bad news, I'm afraid.

Yes, we've just had the estimate in from the decorators.

Young Mr. Grace was prepared to go to 300 pounds.

The lowest quote is 500.

500 pounds just for decorating that one room? We're in the wrong business.

Well, anyway, I'm afraid the club is out. Just a minute. Did you say Mr.

was willing to go to 300 quid? That's right.

Right, I'll do it.

You'll do it?

Have you any experience, Mr. Lucas?

Well, of course I have. I decorated my mother's place, didn't I? Even the

landlord had to admit it to change the value of the property.

Well, is it a deal? Hang on, hang on. I'm not standing by while he rates in

quid. I've done some decorating. I'll do half.

And I'll do some and all.

Well, why don't we all do it?

300 pounds divided by six makes 50 pounds each.

What a fantastic spirit there is in my department.

Really found the last few minutes most moving.

If private enterprise such as this... were allowed to have its head in Britain

today, we could move into the 21st century a proud and strong country whose

would fly once more in the four corners of the earth.

On the other hand, you could say that it's a reflection of the miserable wage

we're paid by Grace Brothers which makes us desperate to pick up 50 nigger.

Like the talk of the town in a couple of days.

Theo, here's your ladder.

Now, we'll start this operation in the finest traditions of the British working

man. I'll put the kettle on.

Maybe, comrade.

Well, now, the first thing we must do is get rid of the furniture.

High up, everyone.

Like that.

Would you believe it? You know, I had five rolls of wallpaper under there.

Well, Miss Brahms, you and I will take the desk. We'll leave the bed to the

Whatever you say, Mrs. Slocum.

Just a minute, just a minute.

Look, I can't take proper steps.

Don't be in such a hurry.

Just take the mattress.

Yeah, right. Roll it over, Mr. Hampton.

Right there.

I've got it. Have you got it? Yeah, I've got it. I've got it.

Be careful, Mr. Hampton. All right, leave it to me.

Right, I've got it.

Oh, well, if you're going to just lie around, I'm going home.

I'll have you know these mattresses are very hard to handle.

Oh, yes.

Come on, Miss Brown.

Well, I'm sorry about that, Captain V. Take the bed with me. Take this. Hey!

Hey, look at this.

Health and efficiency, 1938.

Oh, didn't they have their hair cut short?

Oh, look.

Oh, I see.

George, Harry and Bert relax on a quiet beach.

Must have been a very cold morning.

The boys exercise in the gym.

Are they Indian clubs?

Not all of them.

Lucas, Mr. Humphreys, can we get on? You take this end of the bed with me, Mr.

Lucas. How is Mr. James?

Out of the door.

Come here.

Not going to go through, you know.

Put it on its side.

There you are, clean as a whistle.

Keep going.

Stop!

I'm caught in the caster.

to come back, he's castorised himself.

That's it. Now, come round here, Mr. Tebbs. That's it. To you.

That's right.

Now, hang on. You'll have to come back again. No, it's no good. Well, it's so

protruding here, you see. You just lift it up. Put it down.

Come on, out of the way, everybody.

Right, Miss Brahms.

Up, forward, turn.

Any good, sir?

Now, I suggest that we get ourselves organised into pairs.

Now, each pair can put up one piece of wallpaper and we'll finish the job in no

time at all.

Now, the first thing we do is measure the film.

How do you know how much to cut off a roll?

Well, we measured that before we bought it. Now, each piece has to be eight foot

four inches.

Has anybody got a tape measure?

Oh, search me.

Right.

Just cut that out!

If she has got one, it's well hidden.

My tape measure's in my drawer.

Well, just pop up and give it to her. What, four floors up with no lips

I should cook her.

Besides, I'm mixing the paste.

I think I've got the answer to this. Now, this table is exactly six foot

and my inside leg is 30.

So, I think six foot. If you cut it about there, we should be right.

Ah, well, if I cut it about there, that'll leave us with two inches to play

with.

If you're very careful with those scissors.

Are you ready? Yes, I'm holding my breath. Now be careful.

I haven't, have I?

All we have to do now is turn it over and paste it.

Mr. Humphreys, it would simplify matters if you turned the same way as Mr.

Lucas. To date, you've no evidence that I haven't done that.

Look, leave it alone.

Just the time.

Now, be generous with the paste, Mr.

Tebbs. I mean, then we can move the paper on the wall. Don't. eat your

grandmother out of suck eggs, Captain.

Why, when I was first married, Mrs. Thames and I decorated the whole of our

house from top to bottom.

You're very thorough, aren't you?

You spent the whole of our honeymoon stripping off downstairs.

I dread to think what you were doing upstairs.

Take my advice, Mr. Lucas. You'll hold it well away from your body.

Very important to get it right up to the edge.

Thank you very much, Captain Peacock.

Have you done?

I think I did a jolly good job of that.

Away you go, Mr. Lucas. Right.

I'll be out in the next piece of time.

I

think

I made a bit of a nick in this one.

Do try to be more careful, Mr. Lucas. Don't worry, it'll do for the bit over

door. Never mind, the next piece is almost ready.

Well, look, I'll... I'll take this. It's so cack -handed.

Right, you get the other end, Mr Humphreys. Right.

Don't let it drop on the floor. We don't want it to get messy.

Mr Lucas, give Mr Slunker a helping hand.

Right.

Keep your hands to yourself.

Oh, Mr Humphreys, we've got it to the wrong side.

Don't move.

Don't move.

I'll take it from the other side.

Pass it over, Mr Humphreys. Are you sure?

Yes, pass it over. Be quiet, Mr Slunker.

Captain Peacock, it'll do for the bit over the door.

There's another bit ready, if anyone fancies another adventure.

I'm sick of this. You get to the other end, we'll do this. Now, we'll pass it

the back of the tent. You go round the back.

If

you

want your tea, it's on the floor.

Save that.

At this rate, I shall require some more pace.

Here, more pace, Mr. Tebbs.

Careless bucket.

I'm sorry. You did that deliberately, didn't you? No, I didn't. You were

the bucket the other way. Look at this.

Well, I mean, I couldn't...

Oh, yes, I would.

I believe you would.

Now, Mr. Grace makes this generous gesture, and this is how you repay him.

there are any more incidents of any kind, there will be no club at all.

up, those who don't want a club.

Right, sir, will you make it final?

Yes!