Original subtitles

Ground floor, perfumery, stationery and leather goods. Wigs and papadoptery.

Kitchenware and food.

First floor,

telephones, gents, ready -made food.

Gents, office pie, hats, underwear and shoes.

You need aims to hold someone who loves you.

You need aims as you go on your...

What are you doing, Mr. Armand? Oh, it's the new unisex display model, made in

Japan. Do you like that it's a fella? Yeah.

Like that.

It's a bird.

It looks a bit odd.

You all right? I've got me rack all well mixed up with me twiggies.

Oh, you are awful.

Good morning, Mr.

Grace. Oh, good morning.

Good morning, everybody.

Everybody's not here, Mr.

Grace. Mr. Grace...

Mr. Grace is stopping at every floor to welcome people back from their holiday.

Oh, did you and your secretary have a nice time on your yacht, Mr. Grace?

No, no, it was all up and down, up and down.

Rough weather?

Well, it wouldn't like to be anything else, would it?

The money of my body.

I think I'd rather have his money.

Morning,

Mr. Harmon. Morning, Mr. Rambo.

Did you and Mrs. Rumble have a nice holiday?

Oh, yes, thank you. Yes, we went to the Coconut Islands.

Oh.

What's happened to your head?

I got hit by a coconut.

Oh, get this model off the floor until it's dressed, Mr. Harbour. The customers

will be coming in before long. Here, come on, go.

Hold my hand, I'm a stranger in paradise. Come on, go.

Ah,

Captain Peacock.

You're all cutting it rather fine today.

What's this?

Oh, it's from your doctor.

This is to certify that S. Peacock is suffering from a throat condition

during a yodeling holiday in Switzerland.

I have prescribed for him Laringwex pills, a gargle, and nodule -gone throat

spray.

Yes, although fit for work, he should use his voice as little as possible.

me.

Won't the customer think it rather strange if you don't speak to them?

They'll find it even more strange if I do speak to them.

I'm sorry, Peacock. You must admit it's an extraordinary effect.

If I use this throat spray, it completely cures it.

What happened to your head?

Coconut fell on it.

I'm sorry, sir.

That's very funny.

When does he think you'll be better?

Well, in about a week, sir.

Unhappily, there are one or two unfortunate side effects.

That's out!

Bye!

Like that.

Oh, never mind. I'll get it.

I'm sorry.

We'll send out for some more.

How long does this stuff last?

What's wrong with your voice?

Oh, well, I spend my holiday taking elocution and deportment lessons.

Good morning, Mr. Rumbel.

Morning, Miss Brahms.

I must say, it's a remarkable transformation.

Yes, well, I heard my voice on one of their tapes, and I must say, it didn't

half sound dead common.

What on earth is the matter with you, Mr. Luca?

I burnt me feet in Skegness. In Skegness?

Well, there was this female acrobat, you see, and she took me back to her flat.

She was just showing me out to juggle with a couple of grapefruit and a

standing on me head when her father came in.

Well, what's this got to do with burnt feet?

Well, he's a fire eater on the pier.

He took one swig of paraffin from his hip flask, flicked his ronson, breathed

out, and it was towering inferno with me going head first down the fire escape.

If he hadn't been short of breath coming up the stairs, I wouldn't be able to

sit down either.

It's a pity he didn't singe your hair. It looks dreadful. Yes. I'll get it cut

right away, Mr. Ruffalo. No, you will not, Mr. Lucas. You will do it in your

coffee break.

I trust you're not catching a cold, Mr. Lucas.

Well, I wouldn't be surprised.

It's very unhealthy putting your trousers on after they've been slung off

end of the jetty.

Mr. Ruffalo, I've never seen such a whopping conk.

makes any funny cracks.

This is a plastic cover.

My nose caught a touch of the sun on the Costa Blanca.

And this here contains soothing ointment, which must be kept on as long

possible. I wouldn't take it off, Mrs. Slocum. It balances the rest of your

face.

When I want advice from you, I'll ask for it, Samson.

Apart from the nose, I trust you had an enjoyable holiday?

I did not.

You know the reputation these Spaniards have for bottom -pinching and jumping on

defenceless ladies at night on the beach. Was it all true?

No, none of it.

As you can see, I've come straight from the airport.

And you are very nearly late.

Mr. Humphreys? Oh, you're lucky to have me here at all.

I've got a customs officer that was working to rule.

What are you looking for, I said? We're on the trail of an international gang of

rhinoceros horn smugglers, he said.

Well, I'm not hiding one where you're looking, I tell you.

The hold -all isn't big enough. Anyway, I've only been to Guernsey.

Well, you can't serve...

Customers dressed like that? I'm surprised they let him into Guernsey

like that.

I've got my other clothes in here. In a couple of ticks, I shall be back to my

normal self.

As near as I can be.

Captain Peacock, how nice to see you. Did you have a pleasant holiday?

Yes, very nice.

I'm going to take the mickey. I'm sorry, I am.

Don't go, Mr Humphreys. I have a small announcement to make. Excuse me, Mr

Rumble, before you start spouting, I've got Captain Peacock's throat sway from

the chemist counter.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

He got a throat infection during a yodelling holiday.

Has that made it all right? Yes, thank you, sir, for the time being.

I caught it during the alpine horn competition.

Unfortunately, my team were all using the same horn.

And I was in last, and in the excitement, I forgot to wipe the end.

Well, that can happen when you're in a hurry.

As I was saying, I have a small announcement to make. Yes, please, Mr

Now, as you know, Mr Tebbs is taking over as head of the gentleman's

And I must say, Mr Humphreys was considered for the position, but the

that he was too young.

I'm disappointed, but flattered.

Mr. Tebbs, are you there?

I'm here, Mr. Rumpold, waiting and eager.

This is Mr.

Tebbs. Morning.

I expect he's known to most of you.

Ten years in bathroom fittings, three in footwear, almost entirely responsible

for modernizing greeting cards and novelties, and finally, four years in

bedding. You've left out soft furnishings. Have I? Yes. That will be

fittings and footwear. How long were you there? Eighteen months.

Mr. Tibbs was also eighteen months in soft furnishings. Yes. I resigned when

they introduced beanbags.

Quite right.

Yes, well, with a record like that, I'm sure we're all honored to have him with

us. Now, this is Mr. Humphreys, your senior assistant.

I'm sure if there's anything you can't find, he will find it for you.

And if Mr Humphreys can't find it, it won't be worth looking for.

That's Mr Lucas.

Now, Mrs Slocum, I expect you already know. We have not actually met, but

moved to each other.

Moved? When we see each other across the store, we move.

I thought he had a stiff neck.

This is Miss Brahms, ladies junior.

Delighted to make your acquaintance, I'm sure.

Captain Peacock, of course, I know of old.

He's quite a legend in this province.

Very nice to have you on our floor, Percival. Thank you, Stephen.

You're a stick of thieves already.

Ah, there's the bell.

Pleases, everybody, and good luck, Mr. Terence. Thank you.

This way, Mr. Ted.

I'm sure you'll find everything runs quite smoothly. If there are any little

changes you'd like to make, don't hesitate to say so.

Oh, may I present you with a new tape? Thank you.

I usually work at this end, and young Mr. Lucas looks after that end.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, I'm afraid I won't do it all. I will work at that end, and Mr. Lucas

will work on this side of you.

There.

That's much better.

You see, it's only a little detail, but very important. We must look after the

little things.

Big things take care of themselves.

Isn't that the way of the world?

Your nose is all swelled, Mrs. Slocum. Well, I bust the blister on a sangria

goblet.

There's a customer. You deal with her while I make repairs.

Good morning. Good morning, madam.

I'm looking for a hoot to wear mainly for town.

Oh, yes, we've afraidfully named one in brown for around 40 pounds.

How dare you try to imitate me, you cheeky little bounder!

Miss Brown, I think you'd better drop the posh accent during working hours.

Well, how did she not want one of her?

Because the quality don't wear... their buttons itched up round their ear holes.

Well, in that case, you should be top of next year's honours list.

Get a brush and sweep out the fitting rooms.

They're very mucky.

And it's the last time I discuss my blister with you on a friendly level.

Oh, that's much better, Mr Humphreys. Quite dumber.

Did you get that suit off Peg?

Well, yes and no. My mother shortened the sleeves and I've got a friend who's

wizard with gussets.

Quite a contrast to Mr. Lucas.

That handkerchief is not up to my standard.

Does the boy know how to flute?

Well, he has been shown, Mr. Tebbs, but he's very forgetful.

Let us all do it together.

These handkerchiefs on the counter.

Rasp the centre with the forefinger and thumb.

Lift. Prepare to flute.

Flute.

Mr. Humphrey, I think we'll find a little starch in the water. We'll put

away. It's nice to know there's a cure.

Bend.

Reverse.

Insert.

And flare.

Now, that's how I want to see them every morning.

Just.

You know, I once actually sold seven simulated antique salad flush toilet

suites in one day.

They still talk about it in bathroom fittings.

I had no idea it was so exciting down there. I think it's the way Mr. Tabb

it. Ah, I'm glad you're all here.

I've come from the boardroom, but I was acquainted with an important meeting.

Yes, we thought there was something up, so we had you towed in the hole, put

back in the oven.

Yes.

Now, you've probably all read that it's to be a royal visit to the borough.

Now, it appears that they're planning a walkabout on Thayer Street.

Now, this will take the royal party right past Grace Brothers' main

No. What an honour.

Just think of it. They'll be walking past our entrance.

I can just imagine it, can't you? There they are, walking down the street, when

suddenly the Queen nudges Philip.

Do you know where we are, she says.

No, he says. Surprise me.

This is Grace Brothers' department store, where, rumour has it, one man

seven lavatories in one day.

I ought to pop in and give him the award for industry.

these young people with their communist attitudes very tiresome?

Well, Mr. Lucas may well joke, but if the schedule permits, the Royal Party

very well come into Grace Brothers for a little informal shopping.

Oh, the Queen in our store!

Well, of course, we have had a Queen here before.

What exactly are you suggesting, Captain Peaker?

Queen Mary accompanied King George V as part of the Jubilee celebrations.

Did they buy anything?

His Majesty did express interest in a Homburg, and naturally it was given to

him. What, without paying?

It's protocol, Miss Brown.

If they express interest in something, it is automatically given to them. They

might have Charles with them. He might express an interest in Miss Brown, so

we'll have to send her up to Thandringham.

I have read that royals have married commoners before.

Commoners, Miss Brown, but not dead common commoners.

rotten to me today.

Well, you was very rude concerning my bust.

And I'm very sensitive about it.

It's a very ticklish subject, isn't it, Mrs?

You're a very naughty boy.

Do you think the Royal Party might actually come into our department?

Well, our orders are to be prepared.

You see, so young Mr. Grace wants us to be acquainted with the correct

procedure.

I therefore have to ask you all if you will volunteer to come in after hours.

Speaking for the ladies, it will be an honour, and I am unanimous in that.

I agree entirely.

And speaking on behalf of the men, we are ready and willing.

That just leaves you, Mr. Humphreys.

Mrs. Slocum's right. You are a naughty boy.

Has your department rehearsed what you intend to do? Well, I hear that our Mr

Humphreys has a rare talent in these matters, so I've rather left everything

him. Mr Humphreys. Yes.

Young Mr Grace will bring the royal couple up in the royal lift, and I

it'd be rather nice when they arrive at the department if we give them a polite

and loyal round of applause, like this.

Oh, yes.

Charming. I like what I'm hearing. Oh, don't answer that. That's the signal

they're on their way up.

Mrs. Slocum and Captain Peacock have consented to stand in for the royal

Places, everybody.

Yes.

Hang

on

a minute, you royal highnesses, hang on.

red carpet will have to be at the bottom of the stairs.

Oh, all right, if you say so.

Matt,

if that had been the real thing, you'd be in the Tower of London.

Just leave it where it is for now.

You can't come up in the same lift as them.

Oh, I see. I'm rubbish, isn't I? Let me tell you, it's people like me that stand

and cheer and wave flags as they gallop past in their coach.

You're not in the coach with them, though, are you?

Right, we'll carry on.

Now, then.

Start again.

Start again.

There

you

are. You see, I don't even know how to climb up the lift.

Very well, Mr. Grace. He's gone off with the Queen.

I'm sorry, Your Majesty. My elbow must have caught the button. Well, accidents

will happen.

It would be better if we started again inside the lift. Yes, but hurry up.

Now, all of you, stand by for the applause.

Are the royal couple ready?

Oh, get on with it.

Get the

sword.

Just undo the belt.

Night luster by appointment.

Shall we start again?

No, carry on.

I should like to introduce you to the gentleman of the gentleman's department.

Mr. Grace, you can't do it from up there.

Someone will have to get me down then.

Mrs.

Slocum, the Queen doesn't dash upstairs to bring Mr. Grace down.

I must stand next to your Prince Consort. Mr. Rumbold, would you help me?

By the time he gets down, they'll be back at the palace.

Look, wouldn't it be better if you stayed in your office and we could tell

all about it when it was over?

No, I'm going to be here. Give me a chair.

Mr. Grace, you cannot sit down in the presence of the monarch.

It's either that or fall down.

It's quite all right. We understand.

There you are, Mr. Grace.

Now, say your words.

What were they?

Well, you wrote them down.

Oh, yes. Oh, I did. Oh, come here.

Here we are.

Now, that's your gas bill.

Fee -fee -la -fan.

Ring top bell and go straight up to the third floor.

No wonder you couldn't get down those stairs.

I haven't got my reading glasses.

After me. It gives me great pleasure.

It gives me great pleasure.

To welcome you. To welcome you.

To Grace Brothers Gents.

To Grace Brothers' gents.

Department. Department.

Here. How come she's been introduced to the gents first?

Yes, I was wondering that. Yes, supposing she wants to go to the ladies

Well, we'll just have to hang around for a bit.

Now, we'll take it from where the royal couple approach the gents' department.

Hang on, let me get to my position.

Right, go.

Stop.

Men's work.

Oh, hello, Mother.

No, look, no, I can't talk now because I'm rehearsing for the Queen's visit.

No, not to your place, dear. No, here.

Grace Brothers.

Grace Brothers, where I work.

The vicar's with you.

Well, what's that got to do with me?

Well, I can't help it if his church roof's leaking.

Look, I'll tell you what. Under my mattress, there's an old football sock

of pound notes.

No, don't give him the money. Give him the sock.

Come and rub it up and bung it in the roof at the church and pray for a

I'm sorry about that. Now, where were we? My husband and I was about to

the gentleman's department and could you please get a move on? These shoes are

playing out with my bonnet.

Carry on.

Oh.

Lucas.

Mr Lucas, you're going too far.

All you've got to do is bow.

Your Majesty, it is a great privilege and an honor for a humble store such as

ours. Mr. Rumble, you can't bow without plaster on your head. It's macabre.

Do I have to make some sort of gesture of respect?

If you're going to bow, we'll have to cover it up.

Excuse me.

Here.

Control yourself, my dear.

Now, carry on.

Here, follow me.

Let's be serious.

This is a moment you're going to remember for the rest of your lives.

Now, you will start from the foot of the stairs. Go back a bit. Mr. Grease?

Mr. Grease?

The Queen's here.

Oh, dear.

Just a minute. Let me get in position.

Right, Mr. Grayson, I do your speech.

Something, something, something.

Something, something.

Something.

Your Majesty, it's a great honour on the front.

I won't have it, I won't have it. You must do it properly.

Mrs. Stoke, now you're the Queen and you're him, so let's have a bit of

Now, come on, to the top of the stairs again.

Lovely.

Now then, dignity.

A disdainful smile.

Chest out.

Not you, Mrs Strowman.

Good life.

Good life.

I don't want to interrupt with a lock in the store. You've got 30 seconds to get

out.

is already in the barrow. You ladies from display should have finished by

That's about the outfit, sir.

The Great Brother's traditional lift outfit.

Unfortunately, the people what used to wear it was traditionally smaller.

I don't think the Royal Party want to see your combinations, Mr Harmon.

Haven't you got any longer socks?

No, Mr Rumble, but if it pleases you, I'll go over them with black aerosol.

Ah, you look very smart, Captain Peacock. Thank you, sir.

I hope the Queen don't mind the smell of mothballs.

Where is everybody?

We are free.

And ready for inspection.

Ah, very nice festival.

Humphreys, is it necessary for you to stand like that?

Like what, Captain Peacock?

Like that.

Yes, it is.

Why, Mr. Humphreys? Because I've got a big moth hole just there.

If I got through all those balls, I shall never know.

Probably bat moth.

So it is necessary for me to stand like this. But, Mr.

Humphreys, won't you find that a bit of a strain?

Funnily enough, it feels quite natural.

Ladies, are you ready?

Oh, Mrs. Brown, that's quite eye -catching.

Where's Mrs. Slocum? Oh, she's just fixing her corny.

Me corny!

Captain Peacock, I hope you don't mind the sash.

Only I didn't want to be confused with my junior.

Don't worry, Mrs Logan, there's no danger of that.

How near are they?

It's from the BBC. I've got my tranny here. I'll plug it in.

Hang on.

Blimey, no.

Well, I never.

Don't that make you feel proud?

What's happening?

Pardon? What's happening?

The Queen has never looked more radiant.

She's gracefully attired in a pink... floral chiffon with hat made of large,

bold swirls of a similar material.

Ooh, and a simple row of pearls.

And a rock on her finger worth four million quid.

Where are they now?

Just past a bus stop.

Hang on, the Prince Philip's paused.

He's shaking hands with an Arab.

And they're looking in the window of Lally and Willits.

I hope they're not going to that cheap stall.

Why not? They've got a special offer on lawnmowers.

They won't go to my office. We shall be able to see them from there, from the

window. Oh, I'm so excited.

Oh,

there she is. Hello.

Oh, Miss Brahms, control yourself.

Oh, the swells on a hat are bold, aren't they?

Why does the prince always have his hand clasped behind his back?

Perhaps he's got a moth hole as well.

Isn't that charming? Look, that little girl is giving her a bouquet.

And now the Queen has given it to Philip. Oh, Philip's handed it to the

The Mayor's given it to an alderman.

He's given it to a policeman on an horse. Oh, yeah, and the policeman's

to the horse.

I think the horse is enjoying it more than anybody.

Oh, let's have the commentary.

Here.

And on this lovely sunny day, the Royal Party pause once again at the High

Street to shake hands with the crowd.

Then, giving a cheery wave and led by the Queen, they cross the road heading

towards the entrance of Grace Brothers' department store.

I wonder if they'll go inside.

They're going to come in. I know it. They're going to come in.

In a couple of minutes, we could all be shaking hands. The man is shaking

already. The moment they come in, back to your post.

The Royal Party are pausing at the entrance of Grace Brothers.

There seems to be a whispered conversation.

They are probably wondering whether they should go in or not.

Prince Philip is nodding. Look out!

There's obviously been a change of plan. The royal party are running to the car.

They're in the car and the police are clearing the way through the crowd and

car accelerates into the distance and they're gone, leaving behind the happy,

waving, cheering bystanders.

Ground floor, the humoree, space for inmates.

We can talk about it.

Second floor,

carpet, time to go to bed.

Shake, bop, hi -hat, underwear and shoes. Hang on.