Original subtitles

Good morning, sir. Are you being served?

I am looking for perfume.

This way, sir.

Mrs. Slocum, are you free?

Take care of yourself.

He's handsome.

It's mine.

Good morning.

I wish to buy some perfume.

Well, as you can see, we have quite a large range.

Now, this one is called hilarity.

It's inviting and at the same time amusing.

Pardon.

There is a background of onions.

Yes, well, I made a hot pot before I come in.

Perhaps this young lady will demonstrate one for me. Perhaps this one.

Pardon.

Ah, yes.

Very sexy.

Oh, yes, all the men say that.

gray left, and it's ten pounds.

That is ideal.

Thank you.

Shall I have it gift -wrapped?

No, no, no, thank you. I will wear it.

Did

you find

what you were looking for, then?

No, but wearing this, I have high...

publicity recently about swimming trunks becoming transparent when wet. These

come with a stamped address guarantee.

All you do is, when you come out of the water, you check, and the slightest

little problem, you come out backwards and pop that into a pillow box.

Thank you.

Now, where were you?

I was telling you about this bird.

Oh, yes.

That's right, yes, because your mother's got a new battery for her death aid and

you had to spend the night at your girlfriend's digs. Well, we crept in the

door, took our shoes off and tiptoed upstairs. You see, her landlady won't

her have men in the room after 11 o 'clock.

Oh, I had one like that.

We opened the door and she said, don't switch the light on, it clicks.

I held my breath and I crept towards the bed.

Oh, the suspense.

I was just about to sit down and she said, don't sit down there, she'll hear

springs. It's just like Mission Impossible.

So anyway, we sat down on the rug.

What happened then?

Well, I looked at her and she looked at me.

After five minutes she said, well, what are you waiting for?

Well, what were you waiting for?

Well, I was a bit nervous in case she had a noisy bra catch.

Before we knew where we were, it was bang, bang, bang. Oh.

Well, all's well that ends well.

That was the Latin lady knocking on the door.

Cool as a cucumber, I picked up the television set and walked straight out.

I said in a very loud voice, Don't worry, madam, I'll fix your vertical

Thursday.

Did you get away with it? I would have done if I'd been wearing me trousers.

Welcome, Miss Browns.

Your weight packets?

Oh, thank heavens for that. I'm keen.

Would you do a fine volunteer?

Oh, I say, there's been some mistake.

I've got ten pounds too much.

Now, I think you'll find that it's correct. You and Mr Humphreys did a

photographic session.

We all did that.

Yes, but you were not chosen.

Am I going to be on a big poster?

No, we're using your likenesses as a basis for our new display dummies.

Oh, how...

going to make dummies out of us.

So I believe.

I only hope they've done a good job. They only took photographs of my face.

What's so special about these two?

Mrs. Slocum was chosen to appeal to the average woman and Mr. Humphreys to the

average man.

I should be so lucky.

When do we get to see them?

Well, they arrived this morning.

Ah, here they are. Mr. Harmon, over here. Here we are, Captain Peacock.

There we are.

Where am I?

Just outside the gent's.

I'd better go and get me before I'm had up for loitering.

Oh, they've got me to a T.

You know, looking at that face is a very eerie experience.

That's what I said to Mr Humphreys the first day I met you.

If you're going to be rude, you can return to your country.

I think your display has done a wonderful job.

Absolutely lifelike.

There's not too many wrinkles.

Well, they could have got them all in, only Mr Grace wouldn't pay the overtime.

I may say so, Mrs Slocum. I think you look a very handsome woman.

Yes, and that brown paper dress suits you down to the ground.

I do like the way they've done me hair.

I tell you what, you don't look so hot without it.

Bless you, the rest of it.

Would you kindly not refer to me as it?

No, my lady.

Nor, nor.

Captain Deacock, I refuse to be displayed with a size 50 bust.

My vital statistics are 38.

What about the other ones?

Don't worry, that can easily be fixed.

Probably as you've been overstuffed.

Say when, Mrs. Slocum.

Stop him, Captain Peacock. I will not have rough workman's hands inside my

This will be your last chance.

I think that looks about right.

His stockings are all wrinkled.

Allow me.

I never knew you wore suspenders, Mrs. Slocum.

I don't.

I don't know if you've been having trouble with your elastic, but there's a

of a lot of cellotape up here.

Excuse me, Mrs. Stokum, but may I say how very nice your hair is.

All right, ignore me, you bad -tempered old cow.

Over there, just a hand.

Do be careful what you're doing with your right hand. You're making my eyes

black.

Good afternoon.

Do you come here often?

What do you think?

Well, it's all right in here, but standing like that, I wouldn't give much

his chances in a transport cafe on the A1.

Go and tell Mr. Rumble they've arrived.

It's no good. I shall have to make some adjustments. It looks too posed.

Hang on.

Smack your wrist if you don't stop interfering.

There, now.

Think that looks more normal?

It's as normal as you're going to get.

I don't like the angle of his head.

We can soon fix that. Just give it a twist.

Blimey, I've got a stiff neck. Let me try. I once trained as an osteopath.

When I got down to it, I wasn't up to it.

That's right.

Yes.

Nice firm chin.

Now, just relax. This won't take a moment.

Here.

You've fractured his feet in. Yes, that's why they wouldn't let me finish

I'll ship her.

Oh, don't be for it now.

Don't worry. I'll take you down to do it yourself. See Mr Furlow.

He'll fix it for you.

I'd better get it out of here. I won't be a jiffy. Yeah, well, all right. Get

rid of it. They really are quite nice, though, Mr Rumble.

Lee, it's Rumbles.

What? Get on there.

You'll never know the difference.

By

Jove,

they are realistic, aren't they?

A lot of men have worked very hard to make her face look like that.

And it shows.

I think they have a right to hold back on the wrinkles.

It's typical, isn't it?

When a woman gets wrinkled, it's old age. When a man gets them, it's

Something not quite right about this one.

They haven't quite caught the expression, have they? No.

Humphreys doesn't look nearly as wet as that.

I'm not sure I like the mouth open.

Yes,

that's better. Now, I think there's been some misunderstanding as to the purpose

of these models.

They are designed to help us with our underwear displays.

Well, that can easily be.

Glass of water for Mrs. Slocum.

And after seeing that lot, a glass of water for me as well.

Mrs. Slocum?

Yes, strip him off.

Strip him off.

Strip him off.

Get on with it. Come on, take me out. Take me out.

What a lovely shirt he's got. Why don't we... just leave him in his shirt and

trousers?

Because we're having a special event in Y -fronts.

Many a true word?

I'll take the trousers down.

I'd forgotten it.

Mr. Grace is continuing his campaign to advertise Grace Branch.

200 Mrs. Slocums and 150 Mr. Humphreys will be going on display in our various

branches. If I'd known I was going to be displayed in 200 different positions in

my underwear, I should have held my consent.

I'm already in the Portsmouth branch in my underwear, and I've had a lot of fun.

most of which I don't understand and none of which I intend to answer.

And what's more, I was only in the Chatham branch for half a day and I was

stolen. Heaven knows where I am now.

Well, the point is that the idea of using ordinary people to advertise the

of goods that ordinary people buy is working like a dream.

Now, Mr. Grace went to the cinema the other day.

Yes, yes, I saw Blue Emmanuel 4.

good idea from it too, didn't I?

Oh, you did, Mr Grace.

Well, the idea concerned the advertising in the interval.

Mr Grace thinks it would be a good scheme to advertise Grace Brothers in

same way that they advertise Chinese restaurants and cigarettes and things.

I seem to remember a very good one with Spike Milligan jumping through the

bottom of a boat. Yes, I didn't like that.

No, no, Mr Grace thought that was rather silly.

The whole point is, Mr Grace thinks... that we should have ordinary people like

you to do the commercial.

Now, our advertising agents have been working on it, and they've come up with

sort of script and a sort of storyline.

Yes, and a sort of ridiculous price for making it.

Precisely, yes.

Mr Grace thinks that between the display department and Photographic and

ourselves, that we could have a go at it. Now, it all takes place in a sort of

cocktail bar at the Cocoa Club.

Is that my idea?

Yes, sir.

I really am on the ball, aren't I?

Is

all

this really necessary?

Switch him off, Mr Lucas.

Beauty must pay the price.

Look, it says in the script, a man not unlike David Niven comes into the Coco

Club. And you, Captain Peacock, are the most not unlike David Niven person we've

got.

The resemblance has been remarked upon.

You know, your hair's in quite good condition.

It moves quite nicely.

It comes out quite nicely, too.

Now, purse your lips.

Right now.

They're sensuous but very dry.

What precisely do we do about that, Mr Director?

Well, if this was MGM, I'd suggest Lana turn a lip gloss.

But as it's Grace Brothers, a quick smear with a canteen drip in.

Oh, drat! What's the matter, Mrs Slogan? Oh, it's these damned eyelashes.

Well, yours aren't big enough, dear. They won't show up on the screen.

Remember, you're playing the part of a femme fatale.

But it's like looking through bars.

Milligan's jumping through the bottom of her boat.

She'll be all right when the glue dries.

You seem to know a lot about it. Well, I have the same trouble with my mother

every Friday when she goes to the bingo.

Here you are, Mrs. Slocum. Use this as a tyre lever.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Lucas.

Oh, that's better.

The other one's gone.

When they dry, they'll crack open. Now, let's have a look at the hair.

See what this looks.

Well, if he's reduced to going to the Cocoa Club, he can't afford to be too

choosy, can he?

You're playing the leader of the Gypsy Orchestra. Could I have the moustache,

Lucas? Yeah, moustache coming up.

Here we are.

The other way up, Mr Lucas. Oh, I'm sorry.

Brace yourself, Mr Humboldt.

There you are.

A bit true, Manchu, but it'll have to do.

What about the wig?

Oh, do I have to have a wig? It's all part of the magic world of make

Yeah, look over there.

I distinctly told you to get me a Burt Reynolds six -and -three -quarters.

They've sold out a Burt Reynolds six -and -three -quarters.

That is no excuse for bringing me a Liza Minnelli six -and -seven -eight.

It's either that or a Max Bygraves nine -and -a -half.

Look at what they've said to me.

Oh, yes, Mr. Granger. Now, what part's he playing, Mr. Lucas?

Henry, the lovable old bartender.

Damn fools, the sleeves are miles too long.

Don't worry, Mr. Granger, they'll ride up with wear.

Don't give me that.

What's more, I can't do my trousers on.

They won't show you'll be behind the bar. Go on, off you go.

me. Certainly, Shirley.

Not you.

Mr. Humphreys, do you know where it goes?

Contrary to popular belief, yes.

That's it, too.

About there, Mr. Lucas.

Dead on target, Mr. Humphreys. Contact.

You can put these on.

Oh, thanks, Shirley.

Photographics, I'm the cameraman.

Oh, hello.

Humphries, menswear, I'm the director.

Do you mean to play with your looks? You're not going to be in it? Oh, well,

has to decide which side of the fence to be on.

And it's not always an easy decision, is it?

Anyway, I'm lit, I'm loaded, and I'm ready to go.

Oh? I think I've chosen the wrong side of the fence.

Mr Peckinpuff.

I've got the recording machine ready now.

Oh, yes, that's Mr Crawford, the cameraman over there. It's no good

me until I've plugged me jack in.

I hope you understand.

Right, Your Honour.

Right, places, everybody.

Opening positions, opening positions.

I do like a man who knows what he wants. Oh, good.

Well, get behind your camera and don't push it till I tell you.

I hope you all learnt your words last night.

Well, I didn't have much to learn.

A lovable old bartender does nothing but wag his shaker.

Who's behind the bar?

I've added my shaker now, yes.

Well, but in the script, nobody's asked me for a cocktail yet.

Well, why don't you just stand there and arrange your nuts?

Mr. Lucas, I... I am the director of this film, and if I find any artistic

in his arranging his notes, I shall be the one to tell him.

I'm sorry, Mr. Humphreys. Well, I could count my olives.

Can we drop the subject?

One, two, three.

Will you shut up?

I was only trying to be helpful.

Mrs. Slocum? Mrs. Slocum!

I'll blink, but I'm dry yet.

I'll come to you in a minute.

Now, Captain Peacock.

Now, you are the suave, David Niven -type man about town.

Now, you come down the stairs, wearing your Grace Brothers lightweight two

-piece. On your arm is the Grace Brothers' shampoo.

On the other arm is your Grace Brothers' popper brawling. Now, on your head is

your travel trilby at a jaunty angle.

Good. Now, you come down the stairs and you hand it to the check girl, the hat

check girl. Now, that's you, Miss Brown.

Yes, come over here. We'll rehearse this, please. Can we rehearse the sound,

please?

I can see the microphone.

Higher, please.

Higher. Super.

Action.

You cross to the bar, and you see, sitting at the bar, a glamorous woman

her Grace Brothers cocktail casual. But you still come on the stool, please.

bartender. My trousers are coming down.

Well, you're not called the lovable old bartender for nothing, are you?

You say your first line.

The usual, please, Henry.

Right. Now, we'll try that.

Am I supposed to be holding this? Take it. Right.

Action.

The usual, please, Henry.

I mean, sir, how very nice to see you again.

What are you doing? You're not supposed to say anything.

Let's only be polite. I'm supposed to be a lovable old bartender.

He doesn't say that here.

Well, then he should do.

He knows my name. Am I supposed to ignore him?

Just shake your cocktails.

You see, you see the woman.

She's alone.

You smile.

Now.

Forget about the cocktail. Give him a whiskey and soda.

Well, it's not his usual.

His usual? It can't be.

For God's sake, hurry up, will you? This is killing me.

You open the coat to show the label and you take out your cigarette case.

Action.

Would you like one?

Oh, I didn't see you there.

How can I?

The sound is hopeless. Give her the radio mic, Mr Lucas.

Here, put this on, Mrs Smoker. What do I do with that?

You put it down there.

Down where?

Allow me.

If anything is to be located in my cleavage, I'll do the locating.

Tarnac on all that far.

Tell it to speak up a bit. And while you're at it, ask Captain Peacock for a

voice test. I want to try and get him on the same radio mic.

Say the next line.

Your face seems very familiar.

That's very faint. Get closer.

Closer.

Your face seems very familiar.

Closer. Closer.

Like somebody yelling down a lift shaft.

Here, hang on a minute. I'm getting some very extraordinary noises here. Listen,

listen, listen.

Mum, it did go down a long...

It's up to you to get as much of the sound as you can. All right, all right.

Before we get to the dance part, I must point out that I can't give you any

gypsy music with this thing. Oh, don't make difficulties, Mr Rumble.

Well, if you're happy with this...

Blimey! Now where's he got the

microphone?

bit because I've only got five minutes. Oh, how can one direct a film under

these conditions?

I know how you feel. There's only one thing you can do.

Go for a take.

I always find there's someone up there looking after you. Well, let's hope he's

working over time.

Right. Now you all know the plot. Opening positions.

And we're going to do it for real this time. Now, Mr. Grace, you're over here

with your champagne.

Come along. Over here.

That's right.

Here's the glass and the bottle.

Can't we have the girls in?

No, Mr. Grace.

Well, I tried.

Recording running.

Roger.

Camera running. Smooth as silk.

Grace Brothers Cinema Commercial, take one.

Wait!

Shall we dance?

Oh, I was hoping you'd ask, whoever you are.

I may say so.

It is the most unusual dress you're wearing.

Yes, I'm dressed from top to bottom at Grace Brothers.

What a coincidence.

So am I.

Well, you ought to have asked Mr. Grace.

Mr.

Rumbold, get on to the advertising agency.

We'll have Spike Milligan jumping through the bottom.