Original subtitles

There you are, madam. I do hope the garment gives every satisfaction.

And you really think that this type of corset will keep my figure under

Will the stiffness of the best quality whalebone... Yes, but will they be

enough? Well, they're strong enough for the whale.

You and Mrs. Axe, we was at the Palais des Dames. Oh, yes.

Well, I'd said, oh, don't let's bother dressing up. So we just wore our

diamantic cocktail frocks. You know, the short ones, because we've both got very

good legs.

Well, I did. They do wonders for your ankles.

But Mrs Axelby wore her open -toed sandals because her bunion was playing

again.

Is she still playing football, is she?

Oh, no. She gave that up when they put her in goal.

Anyway, when we got inside, there were the funniest -looking lot of fellas you

have ever seen in your life.

So after we'd looked them over for about an hour, I said, well, I don't care if

anybody does ask me to dance, I'm not going to.

Oh, I don't blame you. So for the rest of the evening, we danced with each

other. Who led?

Oh, we took it in turns, the top people talking.

Anyway, at midnight, they played a Paul Jones.

Well, Mrs Axelby knows the band leader, you see, and she tipped him the wink.

And would you believe it?

Every time the music stopped, Kelsu prays. We was opposite each other.

Oh, we did laugh.

Are you being served, madam?

No, answer.

Don't worry if the night shirt is too long. They do ride up with wear.

You've just seen John Curry on the television and decided to take up ice

skating. Oh, yes. So I took six lessons with this marvellous instructor.

They're ever so good now, you know.

They keep their arm round you and they hang on to you and they don't let you go

until they're absolutely sure that you're developing on the right line.

Did you think you showed promise?

What makes you think it's a he?

Anyway, she said some people are born with it and some people aren't.

Yeah. What did she say about you?

She said I was definitely born with it.

On the other hand, she did say I'd left it a bit late to give it a try.

Have you gone solo yet? Yes, for the last time.

Why? What happened? Well, I got carried away with the music, didn't I? There I

was, happily skating to the strains as I did it my way, when the next thing I

knew I was unable to negotiate a turn.

I found myself running backwards at 50 miles an hour across the coconut matting

straight into the gentleman's changing room.

Do you work yourself?

Nothing that nature couldn't mend.

I've made a lot of new friends, sir.

Mr. Huntress, Mr. Lucas, you've done nothing but gossip all morning.

I didn't pay attention to customers.

I'm sorry, Mr. Granger.

Are you being... That's my customer. I saw him first.

Are you being certain?

That's from next Monday. It's bra week, and he's got to lose the centre stand to

Mrs Slocum's underwear.

He'll be put down, you know. He's like a little old tin Hitler.

Still, as my mother always said, you know, life is like a game of chess.

At the end of the day, the black pawn and the white queen both go in the same

box. That's something to look forward to.

Put the tights in here as well. And don't worry if the gusset hangs a little

low. You'll find it will ride up with wear.

Yet another sale, Mrs. Lohan?

Yes, Miss Bronze and I do seem to have the golden touch this week.

I wish I could say the same for Mr. Granger.

He insists on taking every sale for himself and more often than not fails to

complete it. Is that why he's been so bad -tempered?

That. Plus the fact of your having your special undie drive next week. Has he

heard about us getting the centre stand?

He has indeed.

And he has appealed over my head to Mr Rumble.

Fancy. The cheek of it.

Don't worry, Mrs Slocum. Mr Rumble would not lightly overturn my ruling on the

matter. What does it feel like to have such power?

Frightened.

Oh, shall I change the central display unit over now, Captain Peacock? Not yet,

Mr Harmon.

Do you know how to set up the display unit, Captain Peacock? Mighty well.

Because in five minutes' time, you're going to have to do it.

Because I've got tickets for Queen's Park Rangers.

I have to await the final decision of Mr Rumble.

Oh, that reminds me. Give me this.

And the winner is...

Come

with me, Mrs. Leckham. Can I come too?

What do you think, Captain Peacock?

In this case, it would be more tactful if the meeting was confined to the

sales staff.

I'm sorry, Miss Browns, not this time.

Where is Mr.

Granger? He's looking for a 32 -34 herringbone for a customer.

Well, where's the customer? He left five minutes ago.

I think we'll find these a snug fit, sir.

Where's he gone?

The complaints department.

People nowadays have no patience.

Are you free, Mr. Grangerone? No.

I've got to take these fiddling trousers back to the fiddling room.

I'm not the junior. Mr. Lucas is the junior.

You're my junior, so you can damn well take them.

In that case, I shall pass them off to my junior.

As far as I'm concerned, you can throw them out of the window.

Oh, temper, temper.

Mr. Lucas, take these.

Don't take it out on me. And don't you answer me back or you'll get my dander

up.

Would you come over here, Mr. Granger?

Yes, Captain Peacock, what is it?

You saw fit to appeal against my ruling regarding the centre stand.

I have here Mr Rumble's final decision on the matter.

Which is?

Appeal disallowed.

And then apparently he tore up my memo, threw it on the floor and jumped on it.

And then?

Deal with it yourself, Mr. Rumbold.

Jumping on pieces of paper doesn't sound very serious to me. You can't sack a

man for that.

Old men all get a bit short -tempered at times.

I'm very busy. Go and boil your heads.

Peacock, you'd better all come in here, except for Mr. Granger. But don't let

him leave the store, hmm?

Mrs. Slocum, Miss Brahms, Mr. Rumbold would like a word with us in his office.

It's about... Mr.

Lucas, Mr. Humphreys. Yes, Captain Peacock. Mr. Rumbold would like a word

us in his office.

Is it about... Is it about...

Not you.

Not me, Captain Peacock.

Not you, Mr Granger.

Why not?

Because he does not wish to see you.

He may, however, wish to see you later, so you will not leave the store.

I shall leave the store if I want to.

But I don't want to.

Well, none of this comes as a surprise to me.

Mr Granger is, after all, of advanced years.

And men do go off quicker than women.

Impossible to live with.

He's been ever so crappy.

I don't want to say anything against him, but I think he's going soft in the

head.

He should have retired some time ago.

I mean, he went completely to pieces in the sale last week.

And it's his eyesight as well. He got his tape measure upside down the other

day, measured a little boy scout for a pair of trousers and gave him a 38 -inch

side leg.

Then he buttoned the waist over the little lad's head and said they'd ride

with work.

And what about the tilt? You know, his hands shake so much it's like roulette.

Only this afternoon he rang up no sales, £74. Now, what are accounts going to

make of that?

Well, his earring's going as well.

The other day, somebody asked for the gent's cloak, and he tried to sell them

top hat and cane to go with it.

What are we going to do about it?

Well, I suppose, sir, we could do what they do with faithful old horses who

could no longer pull their heavy load along life's highway.

You mean put them out to grass?

No, send them to the knacker's yard.

I think the general consensus of opinion is that he should go.

Yes, but...

How are we going to replace him?

Mr Humphreys, have you got the confidence to step into his shoes?

Oh, I have the confidence.

And he has the experience too, haven't you, Mr Humphreys? Doesn't he show in my

face?

Could Mr Lucas fill the gap left by Mr Humphreys?

I don't think he's ready for that yet.

He needs somebody with a lot of experience to take over the middle

Oh, I agree.

What are you talking about?

Alexander the Great was only my age when he died and he was practically ruling

the world.

Yes, but could he take an inside leg?

Well, he'll never go of his own free will.

And there's no reasoning with him. I mean, look at the way he tore up your

Mr. Slocum's right.

What a pitiful sight it's going to be, isn't it?

Mr. Rumbold forcing him into the lift, pressing the down button.

The doors closed him for the last time on that tear -stained, wrinkled old

that it disappears forever into the bargain basement.

Don't let him have my tape measure.

Let me say farewell to my trousers.

Mr Lucas, please.

Quite right, Captain Peacock. He's not ready for promotion yet.

Will you tell Mr Granger, sir?

No. No, these forced retirements are very tricky things. It would be better

coming from young Mr Grace himself.

I think Mr Rumble's right.

Oh, thank you, Mr Lucas.

Well, it's very difficult to tell somebody in their 70s they're too old.

It softens a blow if it comes from somebody in their 80s.

Are they still in there? Yeah, I did what you asked me to do. I stood outside

the door and listened.

So do you hear the good news or the bad news?

The good news.

Well, the good news is that I could hear every word they said.

Every word they said.

They want to give you the bullet.

Do they?

Were they all against me? Oh, no, no. They all wanted to give you the sack

except Mr. Lucas.

Dear boy.

Yeah, he wanted to send you to the knackers, you know.

Very crotchety lately, you know.

That he was what with the sales and Mrs.

Granger hasn't been well.

You know, she was terribly upset when Mrs.

Dale's diary stopped.

That went off the air 20 years ago.

Yes, but she does miss it.

Of course, that's no excuse for me behaving the way I did.

If I was you, I'd choose the honourable way out.

What do you mean, suicide?

It's a sign.

Listen, get in first before they give you your cards. Go on.

Yes, you're probably right.

Yeah, well, I'll be off then.

You'll be all right, won't you?

Yes, I shall be long.

You'll keep in touch with us all?

Oh, yes, I will.

And thank you very much, Mr. Holland. You've been very kind to me.

Dear Mr.

Grace, I, Ernest Granger,

being of sound mind...

Having given the best years of my life to your store,

regretfully... Oh, well, here we go again. Another

week of magic at Grace Brothers.

Just get these covers off, Alexander the Great.

Have you stepped into Mr Granger's shoes already?

He's obviously not coming in.

I mean, when anybody leaves a rolled -up tape measure and a letter addressed to

Mr Grace, it can only mean one thing.

He's resigned.

After the night of the long knives.

We were only doing our duty. When questioned, I answered nothing but the

as my mother always taught me to do. Well, he brought it all on himself.

He was thoroughly obstropulous to me last week.

You can't help feeling sorry for him, can you?

Well, there's no need to.

He's made his own bed. He must lie in it. Yeah, next to Mrs Granger.

Whilst he's lying there, he can explain to her that they'll probably spend the

rest of their lives in bed together.

On account of the fact he can't afford the central eating on his old age

pension.

You was the one who wanted him knackered.

I don't think we need to reproach ourselves.

After all, the decisions are not in our hands.

We do not employ Mr. Granger. We do not sack Mr. Granger. Mr. Grace does.

Yeah, but he'll still blame us, won't he?

Of course he will. He'll come in here and he'll take it out on all of us for

next two weeks while he's working out his notice.

Are we going to buy him a farewell?

present. Not unless he apologises.

I don't think there's much chance of that. I understand that Mr Harmon

our discussion to him word for word.

He didn't. How could he do a thing like that behind our backs?

Deceit, thy name is man.

That's a lift. That could be him. What shall we do?

Nothing. He started it. It's up to him to make the first move.

Good morning, everybody.

I really must apologise for being late.

I will take note of your apology, Mr Granger.

May I have a word with you, Mrs Strokeham?

Don't start. Don't you start!

Miss Brown, Scaffy and me, Captain Peacock, I want you to listen to every

that's said.

Oh, well, in that case, I suppose I'd better say it to everybody.

I'm very sorry that I was...

So rude and unpleasant to you all. It was very wrong of me indeed.

Will you forgive me, Mrs. Slocum?

Of course.

Miss Brown.

Mr. Lucas.

Mr. Humphreys. My dear colleagues.

Stephen, what can I say?

Oh, it's too much. I'm all over it.

just going to take off my coat.

Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs.

What was all that about?

Oh, I feel awful.

Our colleague has just uttered the most difficult phrase in the English

language. I'm sorry.

Well, it was his fault.

That's what makes it so difficult.

You know, it's the sort of thing that saints do.

I wonder if he's had some...

Spiritual awakening.

You know, it's the sort of thing that happened to St. Joan when those soldiers

lit them faggots under her feet.

That was enough to make anybody sit up and take.

I expect you're wondering what's made this complete change in my attitude.

Well, we were discussing it, weren't we?

Were you very moved, Mr. Granger? Did you have a deep religious experience?

No.

I won the pools.

I did a perm on the triple chance and I got eight draws.

I wasn't going to tell you, but I just couldn't keep it from you any longer.

How much have you won?

Well, there were only ten on the coupon this week. It could be worth a fortune.

Here, I give a forecast.

Here we are.

23 points and over, claimed by phone or telegram. Have you claimed?

He hasn't. Get on to them.

I won a first dividend once before, you know. That was in 1936.

Yes, I got £22 .15.

I think it might be as much as £50 now.

Behind the times there, Mr Granger. Last week there were only nine draws and

somebody won half a million.

Half. Half a million.

A glass of water for Mr. Granger.

How much do you suppose Mr. Granger's won?

Well, there's every chance that dear old Ernest has won something in the region

of half a million.

Oh, what a stroke of luck. And just when he'd lost his job.

Well, that's the point, sir. He omitted to put an X in the little box that says

no publicity.

Good Lord.

We shall be besieged by the press.

There'll be pictures of him shaking hands with Bruce Forsyth.

Oh, well, he'll probably enjoy it.

Will you enjoy it when the fact comes to light that you hounded an elderly man

into handing in his resignation?

I didn't do it. You placed the facts before me.

But you said he had to go.

Nobody knows that.

I do.

We'd better get that letter of resignation back.

I thought you might come to that conclusion.

Oh, well, new to me, Peacock.

I was going to, sir.

And don't worry if the hat keeps falling over your eyes, sir. It'll ride up with

wear.

How long does it take them to phone back? The fellow from the pool said any

between now and five o 'clock. My nose are in shreds. Look at my hands.

That one's shaking more than that one.

Well, I'm right -handed, aren't I?

Control yourself, this is a crisis.

Men's wear.

I'm afraid Mr. Granger's off the floor at the moment.

Yes. Just tell us how much.

I see.

Thank you.

Well? Well, he did an up and down, eight by twelve, any four from nine, double V

plan. But did he get eight draws?

Well, not all in one column.

It's a pity, really, because the first prize this week is £400 ,000.

Well, did he get the second?

The third?

The fourth?

Is there a fifth?

Did he get it?

Didn't he get nothing?

It'll be the finish of him. Oh, when he thought he won, he went all lovely.

Who's going to tell him?

Bags, not me.

Bags don't count. I've got my fingers crossed.

Well, we'd better be careful. If you blurt it out, he'll keel over.

I think you ought to tell him, Mr Humphreys. You've got a more delicate

Not in a case like this.

I move that Mr Humphreys tells him.

Carried unanimous.

Well, thank you very much for your democratic vote of confidence.

Well, you should worry.

Look at poor old Granger. He's lost his job and 400 ,000 quid all in one week.

Yeah, poor old devil.

All he wanted was 50 quid and he didn't even win that. Thank goodness he hasn't

had time to spend it.

I'm sorry I've been such a long time off the floor.

I brought you all a little present.

Oh, you shouldn't. Oh, you certainly shouldn't.

Their only little thing was there to make up for all my beastliness.

I think my heart is going... It is very exciting, isn't it?

Have they phoned up yet?

Yes. No, I haven't answered the phone. Have you answered the phone, Mr.

Humphreys? I have nothing to pass on.

Now, Mrs.

Slocum, that is for you.

Miss Brown, you grow prettier every day.

Now, Mr...

Lucas, you young rascal, that's for you.

This is for you, for all the great kindness that you've always shown

to me.

Now, this is Captain Peacock. I bought him a silver holder for his carnation.

Where is he?

He's in Mr. Rumble's office.

You let him get away.

I was going to tell him. As sure as I'm standing here, I was going to tell him.

Oh, look.

It's a diamantic collar for me pussy.

He must have cost at least eight quid. This is a battery shaver. And a blow

dryer with three speeds.

Don't use the fast one. You'll blow it away.

We'll have to give them back.

We can't do that, can we? That's no good. I mean, they don't give you money

here. They just give you a credit note.

Well, look, we've all got something that we want. Let's just give him the money

for it. Oh, he wouldn't take it. He's got so much pride.

He's such a fine man.

I'll tell you what.

We'll tell him that the pool's firm rang up, but his drawers were in the wrong

place.

And he's won 50 quid.

Well, we'll have to have a whip round.

Yeah, but the money's got to come from Liverpool.

We'll get our Liverpool branch to send him a postal order. He won't know the

difference. Well, for heaven's sake, go and tell him quick before he buys a

yacht. Hey, listen, tell him as he comes out of Rumble's office. There's a sofa

outside. He can collapse into that.

I'm the first aid man standing by. At his age, anything can happen.

Thank you once again for the silver spoon, Mr Granger.

I shall look forward to stirring my morning coffee with it.

Well, they were just little things to remember me by when I'm no longer

We were rather hoping to persuade you to stay on.

Yes. Well, now I've sent my letter to young Mr. Grace, I think I'd better go.

And Mrs.

Granger fancies a world cruise.

An irreplaceable colleague.

Yes, indeed.

One of nature's gentlemen.

And Nick told Granger's letter off of Grace's desk just as his bony hand was

reaching for the paper knife.

Well done. Well done.

Now, you tell Mr Granger that Mr Grace refuses to accept his resignation and

hopes that he'll stay with us for many years to come. And then, when he wants

leave in a few weeks' time, we'll give him a big send -off and get the right

sort of publicity.

How do you know that he will want to leave?

Well, it stands to reason, doesn't it? No -one wants just one half -a -million

nicker. We want to stay around this country.

I wonder if Miss Rasputin told him yet.

Oh, sooner him than me.

Oh, look.

Oh. I knew it would be too much for him.

As soon as I got the words out, the blood drained away from me.

You are.

He's had a terrible shock, you know.

I only won £50, did you know?

Oh, what a disappointment.

Well, I must say, I would have liked to have had a few thousand pounds,

especially as I'm not going to be working any more.

I've got good news for you, Ernest.

Mr Grace wouldn't hear of your resigning. He even refused to open your

What's more, he hopes you'll stay on as long as you like.

You really are all being very, very kind. I was very naughty, you know, very

naughty. But I got you in this terrible mood, and I just couldn't get out of it.

Oh, well, you're better now.

Yes, oh, yes, I feel that I, as though I'd been reborn, you know.

Wait till you hear my letter.

Dear Mr.

Grace, I, Ernest Granger, being of sound mind... That wasn't true for a start.

Having given the best years of my life to your store, regretfully have to tell

you that you're a miserable old boot.

It gets funnier.

Captain Peacock's nothing but a nitpicking old busybody.

is a frustrated old cow.

And as for Mr.

Humphrey, oh dear, I did go too far.