Original subtitles

I've told the staff that they're required in here and they're waiting

Oh, good. Show them in. Yeah, right.

Oh, by the way, I haven't told them anything about what you're going to tell

about. How do you know what I'm going to tell them?

Well, I do empty the waste paper basket for Mr. Grant.

It's kind of a bit of a nasty shock to me.

That is absolutely top secret. We don't want this to leak to the outside world.

Mum's the word.

All right, you lot.

Come in now, you'll see.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning,

Mr. Randall.

Shut the door, Peter.

Yes, sir.

Now, what I have to say is of the utmost importance.

So gather close, because I don't want to have to raise my voice.

This is absolutely top secret.

Last night, I was summoned to a meeting at boardroom level, and we discussed

matters that will have a far -reaching effect on us all.

I know what it is.

We're going to declare war on Marsden Snowgrove.

If you are facetious, Mr. Lucas, you can leave the room.

Now, I cannot emphasise too strongly the need for complete security.

And I cannot emphasise too strongly that if we hold this position much longer,

I'll need an osteopath to put me back.

You get used to it with practice.

I must point out that we are on the third floor, so who from the outside

possibly hear us?

Someone very tall from Lilywhite.

When I tell you what I'm going to tell you, you will all realise the reason for

my concern.

Well, get on with it, then.

Right.

This may come as a great shock to you all. Oh, blimey.

Why don't you rather not tell us, sir?

I wish I didn't have to.

All right, then, I'll tell them. There's been a takeover bid for Grace Brothers

from Lally's and Willett's.

How dare you? That information was absolutely confidential.

You said you didn't want to tell them.

I didn't want to, but I was going to.

Nally and Willits, that's a Bristol firm, isn't it?

Never mind where they hang out. What's in it?

It's no secret that their pay structure is the worst in the trade.

When they took over Cranbourne's, the whole sales staff left within a month.

But even those who had been there 30 years?

They were the first to go.

When is all this happening?

I don't know, but there's to be a shareholders' meeting in a day or two.

Meanwhile, mum's the word.

Well, that's all. Carry on, everybody.

Keep smiling, keep going.

It'll tear my heart out to see them go.

What makes you think that you'll be staying?

Have you heard something, Harmon?

Well, no, just little bits that I pick up in the waste paper bucket.

Have you seen a lift?

Well, no, no, not exactly, but you know how Mr Grace likes to doodle on the

blotter? Well, the day before yesterday, he drawed the man before the firing

squad.

Could you see who it was?

No, he was blindfolded.

What makes you think it was me?

The blindfold sort of stuck out.

Oh, here's a job for you, Shirley.

Adaptable girl wanted to assist jet -setting director of cosmetics firm.

Must have a little German.

I don't think I'm that adaptable. I think you're too fussy.

Oh, there's one here for me.

Glamorous personal assistant required by director of film company.

Much travel, 5 ,000 a year.

Oh, I see, 5 ,000 a year.

No typing or shorthand necessary.

Must be under 30. Oh, dear, just too late.

Anyone fancy being a barber's assistant with fringe benefits?

Listen to this. Organ demonstrator, won't he?

The only job for which I seem to be qualified is...

That of a chairman.

Company chairman?

No, deck chairman.

Oh, here's a job. Here's one for you, Captain Peacock.

Wanted ex -army officer of imposing appearance, used to rugged outdoor life,

must be able to get on well with Arab royalty.

Oh, a diplomatic post.

Well, in a way.

Doorman at the Dorchester.

really wants one of them millionaires who's looking for a young girl Friday.

Yeah, or in Mrs. Slocum's case, an old girl Saturday.

Of course, there is one vacancy that requires to be filled between Mr.

Lucas's ears.

Never mind, Mrs. Slocum, you can always fall back on your hobby.

Mr. Humphrey, to what are you inferring?

You could open a pet shop.

Yeah, you could have a flashing light outside saying...

If your pussy's in the mood, have it clipped and then shampooed.

I'm afraid I shall never get another job at my age.

Remember, Ernest, Churchill didn't come into his own until he was your age.

No, but he had the whole country behind him.

I've only got Mrs. Granger.

And she hates having me in the kitchen.

All day she says that I make the milk go sour.

I'm sure we're all being too pessimistic. Apparently they have to put

the shareholders and they might not agree.

Sorry to interrupt this jolly little gathering, but Mr Rumble wants to see

all in the boardroom.

Well, he can wait till we've finished our coffee.

Yeah, I mean, what does he want anyway?

Some scheme he's got to save your jobs.

Excuse me, sir. The ladies and gents department is here for a top secret

meeting. Good. Show them in. Yeah. This way for the top secret meeting.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning.

Now, do sit down, everybody.

Have you got your pencil and notebook ready?

Yes, Mr. Gray. Well, throw them away. This is top secret.

Now, that does bring me to my first point. Now, I want you all to listen

carefully.

What I'm about to tell you is absolutely confidential.

What was that?

I was just telling them that what I'm about to say is absolutely confidential.

Oh, you want me to leave the room?

No, sir, you told me.

You could have some tea while we're waiting.

You will all be pleased to hear that young Mr Grace is in a position to

the takeover bid by Lally and Willits.

I haven't finished.

Enough votes have been sent in to defeat the motion by post.

I must say that comes as a great relief to us all.

Unfortunately, postal votes do not count. The actual shareholders have to

present in person.

That is a pity.

It is indeed a pity.

Because those that can attend are in favour of the takeover. And they will

outvote Mr Grace, who will, as a result, lose his shares in Grace Brothers.

What was that?

You will lose your chance.

I haven't been getting it for years.

The balance could be swayed by the attendance of just four more persons.

can't we get them here?

They're abroad.

Organ demonstrating. Here I come.

Well, you will all agree that Mr. Grace has always been absolutely

straightforward in all his business dealings.

And he has come up with several...

straightforward, business -like solutions to all our problems.

Mr Grace?

Oh, yes, yes.

One, burn down the store, make me insurance and start up somewhere else.

Well,

it worked in 1928.

Two, get the Mafia to rub out the opposition.

I got that one from Kojak.

Three, Hijack Mrs Willis, lock her in the safe and throw away the combination.

Hawaii Five -0.

Four, photograph my secretary in bed with Mr Willis.

Oh, they did that in Colombo.

Five, the ultimate weapon, photograph Mr Humphreys in bed with Mr Willis.

It's a programme I've met.

I have advised Mr. Grace that these are rather extreme measures, but he got

carried away by reading Howard Hughes' life story.

I've never heard anything so outrageous in my life.

Why don't you do something simple, like put a ringer in?

How do you mean, Mr. Harmon? Well, you know, like with the horses. I mean, if

one ain't going to run, they substitute it with another.

You see, you've got four shareholders missing, so impersonate them.

You've got a criminal mind, you have.

I ain't got a criminal mind. I mean, they've already voted that they just

get here.

It does sound more feasible than the other plans, sir. I see. Well, well, get

with it.

Hands up all those who are willing to have a go.

I think I speak for everybody present, but I say that we want nothing to do

it. And I am unanimous in that as well.

There's £100 in it for anybody who takes part.

Before I start, I want to emphasise that what I'm about to say is absolutely top

secret. After he's done it, you think he's going to self -destruct in a puff

smoke.

Now, we have obtained some background material on the absent shareholders.

Now, the object is to choose which shareholders we can best impersonate.

which we get 100 quid.

If chosen.

Have any of you ever done any impersonations before?

Mr Humphrey does, but the case was dismissed for lack of evidence.

and Churchill.

He wasn't a shareholder.

I was once mistaken for a film star.

Male or female?

Well, I was wearing my hair down and from the back I looked just like

Lake. In the front, Windermere Lake.

Which is one of the world's great beauty spots, Mrs. Slocum.

Let's see what we have.

There's Jeffrey Longman.

He is 28, broad -shouldered, 6 '2", blonde hair, blue eyes, wealthy yacht

Oh, I like the sound of that.

You're not tall enough.

No, no, no, I just like the sound of it.

And, ah, Andrew McNairn from Aberdeen, 45, landowner, ex -Captain Scott's

guards, moustache, dark hair.

Scots, we're here with Wallace Blade.

Scots, one Bruce has often laid.

Welcome to your gory bed, or to victory.

He has one ear missing.

Not for a hundred pounds.

Oh, Sir Richard Ryan, 65, 5 foot 6, landowner, Somerset. Oh, you could do

Mr Granger.

Somerset.

Oh, yeah.

Educated at Eton.

Oh.

that's very good.

Unfortunately, he has rather a lot of hair.

We'll fix him up with something from the wig boutique.

Right. Mr. Granger, you are Sir Richard.

Well, jolly good sir.

All right, calm down. You've got the part.

Now, this chap's quite a large shareholder.

Professional dancer.

Oh, Mr. Humphreys does a bit of dancing, don't you, Mr. Humphreys? The word

versatile has been applied to me before.

I must stop you. I must stop you. He only has one leg.

And he is from Nigeria.

Would you play a one -legged Nigerian tap dancer?

Not with any degree of sincerity.

There is the Stableforth family.

Lady Stableforth is described as 40ish, stoutish, not very tallish, played

hockey for Rodin.

Well, I've done hockey.

Her daughter, Lavinia, has an equal number of shares. She is 26, jet

playgirl, known to her friends as Bucky.

Can I have one ask why?

Well, to judge from the photograph, it's because she has prominent buck teeth.

Well, we saw those in the joke department.

I'm not wearing joke teeth.

That's not the problem, Miss Brahms. The point is, are you young enough to pass

off as my daughter?

One doesn't wish to bring class into this, but Miss Brahms has got a very

definite cockney accent, which in itself is most charming, but could she pass

herself off as a lady of quality?

It's made background.

might be ever so humble, but I can talk just as hoity -toity as what you can

when required so to do.

Especially for Andred Nicker.

And whom is going to simulate my husband?

The Lord's stableforth is about 55, a self

-made man from the east end of London.

Salvage merchant.

He made a life peer for his services to the scrap metal industry in the vicinity

of 10 Downing Street.

Cor blimey, Governor, you're a toff. I've got big ones, small ones, some as

as your head. Give them a twist, a flick of the wrist and sling them around.

Thank you, Captain Peter. I hate to bring class into this, but you wouldn't

five minutes in Dockland.

Very few of us would.

I'm afraid we still need middle -aged Cockney to play Mrs. Slocan's husband.

Rosie Lee for Mr Rumbled. I've spilt a drop in the saucer, so mind you don't

drops down your whistle.

Perfect.

What's perfect?

The height, the age, the voice.

Exactly what Mrs Slocum's looking for.

What, him?

Oh, no, I'd never marry him.

I'd rather have Captain Peacock, even if he isn't good at it.

I could improve my performance if Miss Brown's gave me some lessons.

Oh, no, it's something you have to pick up with your ear.

You've lost me completely.

It's really quite simple. Let me explain. Now, what I'm about to tell you

absolutely top secret.

And you have to... I'm sorry I'm taking

so long.

Take as long as you like, Maggie.

It's not easy.

Shall I answer it? Yes, yes, do. I could do with a break.

I've got a chance to keep up with me.

That is fabulous.

I'll tell him right away.

Oh, it's the chef and the waiter, sir. They were doing the lunch at the

branch and their van's broken down.

Oh, dear. Well, you'd better get me Mr. Rumbled.

Can you cook?

Well, no, sir.

What can you do?

Well...

Yes,

Mr. Grace, I'll get on to it right away. Yes, sir.

That's one chef and two waiters.

Well, to the door's just closing. I don't know who I'm going to find at this

time of night, but you can rely on me, sir.

Somebody will be there.

Stop,

stop, like me, Captain Peacock!

Even too small for me. You'd look ridiculous in it, wouldn't you?

It is quite absurd that you should be the head waiter while I have to be a

commie. I mean, I have the dignity, the bearing, the personality.

But you can't get into the suit.

It just looks stupid.

Well, I don't see why.

I mean, in the best restaurants, you often see elderly men in a servile

position.

Left at life's starting gate while the young ones with the ambition and the

drive get to the top.

And your pinny's crooked.

That sounds like the chef.

Captain Fanny Craddock, I have just seen this menu and it's absolutely

impossible for me to do in the time allotted to me.

The menus have been specially printed for the occasion.

Yes, well, in that case, get the people that's printed the menus to cook the

meal. Listen to this. Bisque de marde, or gazpacho, or smoked eel, and that's

just the starter.

Well, smoked eel isn't difficult.

No, isn't it?

It is when it's been in the deep freeze.

Get a blow lamp to that, it'll be ready for Christmas.

Sol Veronique, followed by Ducol Orange, followed by Berfin Crute, followed by

Syllabus or the Bad Leone, followed by my resignation because I'm not doing

of it.

Mr Humphreys, it is too late to get another cook now, and the whole future

Grace Brothers is at stake.

I'm sure you can do something.

I mean, we're all in this together.

You don't think I enjoy being dressed like this, do you? You think not,

and you're finished, Rookie.

I keep telling you about that, Stephen.

In spite of our assumed position, Mr Lucas, I will not have you addressing me

that familiar fashion.

Don't worry.

I won't be familiar with you anymore, sir.

In fact, when we get into the other room in there, I won't even address you at

all. I shall just go... And you'll jump to it like you never

jumped before.

I think we must be very careful, Mr Lucas.

If we do save the firm, some of our lives are not going to be worth living.

That's not worth living now.

My trousers are too tight and my potatoes are boiling over.

If I can't find a tin opener, it's going to be a nail and a hammer and two holes

in a can of vegetable soup with straws for everybody to suck it up with.

Oh, we'd better see if everything's ready in the director's dining room.

There you are.

That's done it.

It's much easier from the back.

Oh, excuse me.

These are the waiters, sir.

Well, it was very short notice, wasn't it?

Somebody will have to announce the guests.

I'll do that with pleasure, sir. However, you can't do that.

I'm the head waiter round here. We can't have a common commie introducing the

guests with a crooked pinny. Yes, straighten your pinny.

And your trousers are too short.

If I lower them to the correct length, sir, it might lead to complaints of a

rather more serious reason.

Don't worry, they'll ride down with wear.

Get rid of everybody.

It's all right. I'll be over there by the door.

Stephen, the sherry.

One more insult from that man and these clothes are coming off. Don't start

distracting me now. I'm very busy.

There are three empty sherry glasses.

Yes. One's in the trifle and two are in me.

Mr. Henry Grant Hopkins.

Your name, madam?

Lady Weeble Abel Smith.

Pardon?

Lady Weeble Abel Smith.

The name, so I can introduce you.

And the stranger.

The name of the birth. You're supposed to be impersonating your birth.

This is Lady Weevil Abelsmith. Oh, yeah.

Oh,

you all have a lot in common with Henry Grant Hopkins here. You both went to

Eden.

Sir Richard, Sir Richard, you don't have a glass.

Stephen.

Lord and Lady Stableforth.

hubby. I can't on in.

Is your daughter not with you?

Oh, you mean our Lavinia?

She's just tarting herself up in a powdery.

They've only just started the sherry. Well, go and tell them the dinner's

They've just started the sherry. I have been slaving over that hostel for an

hour now. I am not having my dinner ruined by a lot of drunken men. Now, you

finish up this soup.

and she's run.

If your daddy does that again, I shall have to give him a belt round the moose.

Do be careful, waiter. You've spilt some. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I'm

I'm terribly sorry.

and they should start the speeches. Right, you go and tell them.

You're the head waiter.

And in conclusion,

ladies and gentlemen, I would like to draw your attention to the difference

between myself and all the other speakers.

I am a self -made man and I got where I got through hard graft as like did Mr.

Gracia. He's been on for ten minutes.

If he doesn't hurry up, my bon surprise is doomed.

its spirit, I say.

Stay with age and experience, and keep Mr. Grace here, Ed, of this great

company, and tell Lally and Willits to go and take a run and jump themselves.

Let us keep this spirit, this spirit what he has got here, what was the

of Drake and Raleigh, and it made England the great place it was, as it

again. Are you with me, brothers?

And we will not be taken over, will we?

That's it.

Well, well, well done. Well done, Mr... What's his name? Lord Stableforth.

Well, well done.

Well done. Yeah, well, now, I would like to put one further thing to the vote,

and that is I move that young Mr. Grace here takes us out for a decent nosh at

the best restaurant in the town.

Would you believe it? They're all going out to dinner. Oh, that's typical of

men. The minute the dinner's ready, they want to go on somewhere else.

Go and ask them if we're invited.

You're the head waiter.

You're the shop steward.

So I said to Harold at number ten, I don't want the others to think that just

because I've seen you write with the dustbins that I'm going to get a

Excuse me, sir.

I hope that your invitation extends to those who've worked so hard for you

behind the scenes.

Yes, of course, Stephen.

Thank you. You're very kind, Your Lordship. Yes, well, all I've got to do

put a phone call in and I'll let you eat with the staff in the kitchen.

I'm not eating in the kitchen.

They won't even let you in unless you straighten your pinny.