Original subtitles

I went to see this new doctor, you see, and he said, do you know that two out of

ten people are just like you?

I said, aren't they? He said, oh, yes, there's a lot of it about.

I said, well, what are you going to do? He said, well, what the trouble is, you

see. that you are under great strain due to your superior intelligence.

I said, well, what do you do about it? He said, well, you see, we sort of clear

your brain.

I said, oh, really?

I'm all ears. Tell me more. He said, well, we put you to sleep for a whole

I said, well, with dreams like I have, I'll be worn out.

Half of which you can't afford to take the time off, can you?

Well, that's what I told him. He says, what you'll have to do is have a cold

shower every morning.

And then a run round the park. Well, I had my first run this morning.

I put my little shorts on. I'd just got as far as the road -mending gang when I

was under strain again.

She's baggy as peacock.

If I catch anybody on this counter smoking after the bell has gone, I shall

very severe measures.

You're for it.

I thought so.

See me later, Mr Lucas.

Oh, he's in a foul mood, hasn't he? His whole world has fallen apart, you know.

Don't tell me they've dropped him from the Grace Brothers table tennis team.

He's been working on his chop all week.

No, he's worse than that.

When he went to the flower stall this morning, they'd run out of carnations

his buttonhole.

I saw the old thing. Oh, do tell.

They offered him a dahlia instead.

He hit the roof.

What sort of fool do you think I'd look walking around with a dahlia in me

buttonhole, he said.

And the bird behind the counter said, the same sort of fool you'd look walking

around with a carnation in your arm.

So he cancelled his standard order and he sent Armand round the corner to the

cosy -posy shop for one.

Mrs. Browns?

I thought so.

You're late.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but you see... Don't make your excuses to me.

Explain yourself to Mrs. Slocum.

If she is not satisfied, she will take the matter up with me.

Mrs. Slocum?

Yes, Captain Peacock.

Miss Brown, as you can see, is late.

I leave it to you to reprimand her.

Very well, Captain Peacock. I, for my part, am reprimanding you for not

me that she was late. But you knew she was late.

That is not relevant.

There is a correct procedure in store management that must be followed at all

times.

Pompous twit.

you are not to speak of your superiors in that manner.

You've got that padded bra on again, haven't you?

I've told you about that before.

So what?

It's very inflammatory for the men.

Well, it's out of proportion with the rest of you. You look like the hunched

front of Notre Dame.

Satisfied?

I'm... confiscating this until closing time.

Where have you been?

Well, I had to iron my nylon blouse this morning, you see, and I set the iron at

number ten and it went straight through.

Well, I could stop off on the way to buy another one.

Well, why couldn't you come here and get one?

I'm not buying this rubbish.

Miss Brahms, I am responsible for the choice of merchandise in this store. It

top quality and I won't have it criticised by juniors.

It comes from Hong Kong and you sew your own labels in. Look at that, £1 .25.

They're very hard -wearing.

Hard -wearing? You'll be lucky if the elastic lasts till you get on the bus.

Miss Franz, I will not have you knocking my knickers.

And I'm not... I'm not too keen on you nicking my knickers.

Yes?

How many frills has it got?

I don't know. I haven't counted.

Count them now.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Miss Brown, how long have you worked at Grace Brothers?

Four years.

Well, that's quite long enough to have learned that juniors are not permitted

more frills on their blouses than seniors.

If six frills is enough for me, then two is more than enough for you.

Yes, Mrs. Slocum. Until I was 30, I wasn't allowed any frills at all.

Right, I've had all the lip I'm taking.

Captain Peacock will make you cut him off.

Captain Peacock. Mrs. Logan, go back to your counter and stand behind it.

When I happen to look in your direction, raise your hand a little.

If I nod, say, Captain Peacock, are you free?

If I am, I will beckon and you may then approach me.

That is the correct procedure. Do I make myself clear?

Yes, Captain Peacock.

So, talk.

You wish to say something to me, Mrs. Slocum?

Yes, Captain Peacock. I'm going to see Mr.

Rumbold, so get stopped.

Good morning, Mrs.

Slocum. Drop dead.

Now, let's see if I've got this right.

Miss Brown's made some disparaging remarks about Mrs. Slocum's underwear,

complaining it was... not hard -wearing, whereupon Mrs. Slocum confiscated her

knickers. No.

She confiscated my knockers.

Knockers. I see. The knickers were not hard -wearing. The door knockers were

from hardware.

No, they were under my blouse.

You were wearing door knockers from hardware under your blouse.

You consider this to be inflammatory, Mrs. Slocum.

Well, I consider that you were perfect.

Don't wear door knockers under your blouse any more, Miss Brown.

Mrs. Slocum then became agitated because up to the age of 30, she hadn't had as

many thrills as Miss Brown.

No, sir, no, sir.

Thrills on her blouse.

Yes, thrills on blouse which was being worn over the door knockers. Now it's

coming clear to me.

She then approached you, Captain Peacock, intending to suggest that you

cut off.

I also have get stuffed written down here.

Does that come in anywhere?

I have a feeling it will very soon.

What is this?

It's our jumbo juno range.

Miss Browse, I suggest you wear this instead of door lockers.

there for ten minutes. Perhaps Peacock will forget about me.

Lucas? He hasn't forgotten about me.

Come here, Mr. Lucas.

You wish to see me about something or other, Captain Peacock? Yes, I do.

What, no carnations this morning, Stephen?

Go away.

Captain Peacock, if you speak to me like that in front of juniors, I shall

complain to Mr. Rumbold.

Do your waistcoat up properly and get back to your counter.

Oh, damn!

You'll pay for that.

It's my own.

So tough, cheese.

Yes, well, if that's all, Captain Peacock, I'll go back to my counter. It

all.

On Wednesday last, I twice reprimanded you for standing around with your hands

in your pockets.

On Friday...

You had no handkerchief in your top pocket and your hands in your trouser

pockets again. Yes, my hands were in my trouser pockets then because they were

looking for my handkerchief in my top pocket.

On Monday last, I reprimanded you for having hairs on your collar.

Well, it started falling out, you see.

On account of the worry because of the reprimand you'd given me on the

Wednesday.

I do not want to see fallen hairs on your collar again.

No, sir.

If I feel it falling, I'll jump out the way.

Once you measure up to the standards required at Grace Brothers, we shall

to dispense with your services. Now get back behind your counter and send Mr

Humphrey over.

Yes, sir.

He's had a go at Granger. He's threatened to give me the sack. Now it's

turn. He wouldn't dare. He wants you.

If you've got any complaints, will you get them over quickly? I've been under a

lot of strain lately.

And that's Thursday.

No, don't talk to me about Thursday.

I never get through the day. To start with, I got me high heels caught in the

escalator. And I had six pairs of white fronts returned with substandard

openings.

The coalman came round to me mother and said that he hadn't had what was due to

him. Do you know, by 11 o 'clock, my hand was shaking so much, it was more

my job was worth to take an inside leg.

Let's take Friday.

You were off the floor for 25 minutes in accounts.

Oh, yes, it's that ledger clerk in sanctions. He will insist on telling me

Ramadan.

On Saturday, two customers complained that they had difficulty in breathing

because of your aftershave lotion.

Not aftershave. It's my new skin tightener.

You should see the commercial they do for it. It shows a prune being turned

into a plum.

It is my experience, after 30 years in the distributive trade, that customers

place more trust in an honest prune than in someone desperately trying to look

like Donny Osmond. Now, get back there.

I've never been spoken to like that in the whole of my life.

I quite enjoyed it.

One carnation for you to torch yourself up with.

I didn't have executive bread, so I had to settle for variegated.

Ah.

Well, that'll be all, Harmon. Leave the floor.

Yes, Your Highness.

Shall I grovel or back away respectfully?

Just go.

Gather round, everybody.

Not you.

Oh, blimey.

Now, listen very carefully to what I have to say.

Ah, Peacock.

I'm glad you got everyone together. Now, listen very carefully to what I have to

say. I've noticed a marked decline in the appearance and efficiency of the

members of this department.

That's just what I was about to say, sir.

What on earth is that?

Are you referring to my carnation?

Isn't that what you call it?

How long have you been here, Peacock?

Over 20 years, sir.

By now, you should know perfectly well that floor walkers are permitted to wear

only executive red carnation.

This is a typical example of the sort of slackness and hooliganism that I'm

talking about.

We all know how to behave and dress.

For 50 years, young Mr. Grace has shown us the way. He's appeared before us

every day, polite, smiling, and elegantly attired as a gentleman should

do you do, sir?

I've just stopped off from my trip to the USA.

We'd never have guessed.

new ideas, you all go in right into orbit.

I'll spill the low down to your bosses, and no doubt they'll fill you guys right

in. Well, that's it, folks.

You've all done very swell.

Wagons roll!

I hope this isn't going to take long, Captain Peacock.

The last time I was late, a fire... and had to climb out of my bedroom window

and risk his life on a narrow ledge trying to grab hold of my pussy.

They're very brave, these firemen.

Poor animal was clutching the drainpipe with its eyes glued on the bus stop.

Watch him for me.

Once he gets home, that Uri Geller's on.

Oh, I like him. I think he's ever so handsome.

Well, he must have something.

Do you know, the last time he was on, I was watching it, and I was really

concentrating. You know how you do. And I distinctly felt something move.

So I plunged my hand in my trouser pocket, and do you know, my door keys

bent double.

Ah, very kind of you all to stay behind.

Now, settle down, everybody, do.

Well, I hope I shall get home in time to see the bionic woman.

I wouldn't have thought that was your sort of programme, Mr Granger.

Well, I want Mrs Granger to see it. You know, I'm trying to persuade her to buy

a hearing aid.

She's never been quite right ever since she had that fall off a bus in Torquay.

That must be quite a programme in itself.

I can see it all.

She fell off a bus, but she can be mended.

We have the means, we have the technology.

She'll be faster, stronger, better, with new arms, new legs, new teeth and new

varicose veins.

That is very unfeeling.

Lucas, I absolutely forbid you to speak to your superiors like that.

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock. I thought once the bell had gone, we were allowed

become human beings again.

Well, this does bring me to the first point. Nay, to the very nub of our

discussion here tonight.

My word, we've never got to the nub as quick as that before.

Now, Mr Grey, has been studying the failed techniques of stores such as ours

the USA, and he feels that we could benefit from some of their methods.

Well, let me say it categorically, that if I'm to be expected to wear a Stetson

hat and lasso the customers as they get out of the lift, I am leaving here and

now.

I've heard they have a very interesting position at Austin Reeds.

That rumor's been going around for some time.

There's no intention of us...

yankifying ourselves, that what we're striving for is the American

Their easy -going approach to customers and, indeed, to each other. For example,

all the staff are on first -name terms with the management.

Is that a fact, Cuthbert?

Normally, I would be annoyed if you were calling me Cuthbert, Stephen.

But, of course, you're quite right to do so. And Mr. Lucas's badinage with

Ernest sets exactly the right tone of...

Friendly inter -staff relations, which young Mr. Grace is trying to achieve.

What about his first name?

Yes, Mr.

Lucas, what is your first name?

Just call me Mr. Lucas.

Oh, dear, no, no, we can't have that. Come along, let's have it.

Dick.

Good.

Gets more informal every minute.

Points here from young Mr. Grace, so let's go through them one by one. First,

dress. We must henceforth dispense with the formality of our dress.

All this rubbish about two inches of white handkerchief in the top pocket

Carnations.

Carnations and... Frills on blouses.

Exactly. It's all out of date. All out of date. Dress to express your

personalities. Don't look like salesmen. Look like people.

Second. The approach to the customer.

Don't strut up to the customer and say, are you being served?

Make contact with them. Say, hello there, my name's Stephen, and this is

Yes,

Dick, and he'll see if he's got something your size.

We must get rid of this museum -like hush. We must have background music.

Oh, I shall look forward to that.

Betty here, leaning over the counter, chewing gum, singing A Big Spender,

a little time on me.

Watch it, Mr Lucas.

Dick.

Thank you, Claiborne.

Lastly,

I have noticed... a little tension between various members of the staff.

can communicate itself to customers.

Mr. Grace has ordered that we should start each day, as we mean to go on, by

declaring our friendship for each other.

Friendship? Yes.

Yes, we shall start each day by gripping our fellow workers by the hand, looking

into their eyes and saying, I like you.

Let's try it now. I'll set an example.

I like you, Stephen.

I like you too, Custer.

From now on, we're going to be great friends.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Good, good.

I can feel the tears of joy welling up inside.

Now, Betty and Shirley, let's see if there's no ill will between you.

Grip her hand, Betty.

Smile. Now, say, I like you, Shirley.

I like you, Shirley.

Excellent, excellent. Now, Claiborne... Hang on a minute. I'm not having this.

She hasn't said she liked me.

What didn't get Charles? Did our old juggies jump straight in?

Old juggies, yes.

Never mind. Let's all do it together. Ready, steady, go.

I like you. I like you very much.

Yes, excellent marks.

I think this overtime has been very well spent.

I have a question, Cuthbert.

Yes, Stephen.

May we go home?

What a shame. We were just becoming good friends.

Now, remember, when you come in on Monday morning, it's informal attire.

We're all on first -name terms, and friendship and banter are the order of

day. Well, good night, Ernest. Good night, Claiborne.

Sweet dreams, Kath.

Good night, Dick.

See you around, Baldy.

Good night, Shirley and Betty.

Here, we don't have to kiss, you do, wait.

Oh,

thank heaven for that.

Right, Stephen.

Good night, Cuthbert.

What do you think?

I was dubious at first, but I can see the advantage of being able to speak

mind and get things off one's chest without fear of upsetting anybody.

I'm so glad you feel that, Stephen, because there's something I've been

to say to you all day.

Oh, really, Cuthbert? What's that?

Get stuffed.

In accordance with the new policy of the store, we are all on first -name terms

now. Not me.

Not until my convener has ratified the agreement with the properly constituted

committee. Until then, it's Mr Harmon.

All right.

How's it going, Mr Harmon?

Not bad, Cuthbert.

Here, I thought you were supposed to wear casual things.

Oh, that is for the members of the department to meet the public. It

apply to executive staff.

Mick Jagger and Twiggy's mum.

Morning, Shirley and Dick.

I must say, I think you both made a marvellous effort.

Where's the sign and in -book, ma 'am?

Penis with all that sort of red tape.

Just stand there. Now, I've pressed this button.

See, that's taken a picture of you and the clock.

Well, it has done away with the red tape, hasn't it?

Where's Peacock? I mean, sorry, Stephen.

Well, contrary to instructions, he arrived formally dressed as usual. So

sent him off to our way -out boutique to be made to look a little more trendy.

Yeah, I never knew you had dairy chest.

Yeah, I've had it for years. Why don't you try it?

Good morning, Ernest.

It isn't... good at all.

Mrs. Granger doesn't believe I've gone to work.

She thinks that I've pulled somebody in the mixed bowls of tea.

Morning, Betty.

Good morning, Dick.

Let's see what you've got under the coat, Mrs. Slocum.

Come now, you can do better than that.

Mr. Rumbled.

in stores for nigh on more years than I care to remember.

And I have always dressed to suit the dignified side of my personality.

But, Mrs. Slocum, it's the warm, uninhibited side of your personality

hoping to see.

Very well.

I don't know about the front, but it's very uninhibited at the back.

You ask for it and you've got it.

And a double helping too, if I may say so.

You'll get a fat lick.

It's taken me west.

Magnificent. You shouldn't have taken all that trouble.

What are you talking about? I haven't been home since last night.

Where's Stephen?

Oh, he's being modernised in the way -out boutique.

Get me Austin Reed.

It's been a very good week, Mr. Brett.

Yes, and may I say how glad we are that you've returned safely from your trip to

the East?

We've got all the ideas running.

Everything's running very smoothly.

As far as the eye can see.

Don't pant me, man.

Clavelon? You call Stevie, baby?

Strides for the omi with a naff rye.

Wish me luck, Dick.

Hit him with a tank, Clyde.

I hadn't understood a single word for seven days.

Stay with it, Ernest, or it could be goodbyes, Bill.

Are you serving?

Are you buying?

Of course I'm buying.

Then I'm serving.

I'm looking for a pair of tan pantyhose.

My name's Betty.

I'm looking for a pair of tan pantyhose.

Call me Betty.

What's your name?

Cynthia Randall. Oh, Cynthia.

What a beautiful name. Oh, and it does suit you. I like you, Cynthia.

I really...

was supposed to be ready a week ago. All the other floors have got theirs.

I'm afraid we've had certain teething problems.

The teeth kept falling out.

Come on, gather round, everybody. The display unit has arrived.

Now, this will stand outside your lift, and every time the door's open, it will

raise its hat and say, welcome to my store, welcome to my store.

Oh, it's so nice, like it gives me the shivers.

Shall I activate it?

Yes, Mr Harmon.

Welcome.

Welcome to my store.

Welcome to my store.

Oh, switch it off, Mr Harmon. Welcome to my store.

I thought it was supposed to raise its hat.

Yes, what's wrong with it, Harmon?

I told you we've been having troubles with it. Hang on.

He'll give it one more try. Yes, yes.

Welcome to my store.

Welcome to my store.

Welcome to my store.

Welcome to my store.

Welcome to my store.

back when it's working properly.

How many more of these daft ideas have we got to put up with?

That'll be Mr. Gray's positions, everybody.

Welcome back from Peking, sir.

I hope your trip was a success.

Oh, yes, a very great success, yes.

I've given up the idea of this American approach and...

But I've got some great new ideas now. You'll find them all in my little red

book. Thank you.

You've all done very well.