Original subtitles

perfumery, stationery and leather goods, waste and haberdashery, kitchenware and

food. First

floor, telephones,

gents ready made soon.

Would you all take a seat?

Mr Grace will be down any minute.

What's all this about, Mr Horne? You've asked the right person. It so happens

that I know precisely what's going on.

Do you mean to tell me that Mr Grace has taken you into his confidence?

No, he hasn't. I just had a quick look in this folder here and I know all the

details.

Unfortunately, my lips is sealed.

That is surely in that folder.

I wonder if we're all going to get a rise.

Or a cut.

Perhaps it's a takeover by the Army and Navy.

Oh, that should be nice.

Captain, our cheek has bought us all.

Oh, Mrs. Slocum will come into her own then, won't she?

They like them big in the east.

Can't think of it, she's very big in the south as well.

Mr. Lucas, just because we're in the boardroom and on our best behaviour

mean that I won't give you one of the bracket.

Mr. Granger, can't you control your junior?

I'm more interested in what is in that damn folder.

Well, you're nearest. Have a look.

I wouldn't demean myself.

You're next nearest.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll keep Katie for you.

Why me?

Oh, there you are, you see.

When it comes to action, it's all talk.

I shouldn't count on it. He didn't say much when he got me in the broom

at Christmas party.

All clear.

Mr Lucas.

As a senior staff member here, I must forbid you to look into that phone.

All right, then.

I'm very sorry, Captain Peacock. I only read the first line.

Well, what's it all about, then?

Well, Captain Peacock's name was mentioned, but as I'm not supposed to

it, my lips are filled.

All I will say is that if I've ever been rude to you in the past, Captain

Peacock, I'm very sorry.

That's all right, Mr. Lucas.

My promotion was not entirely unexpected.

I didn't see the word promotion.

What word did you see?

Replacement. Replacement!

For you, Captain Peacock.

Good heavens.

Good love.

It's not that bad, is it, Captain Peacock?

It's worse.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Why, what does it say?

I can hear his knees creaking along the cover.

We're all to be replaced en masse.

That's why we've been summoned to the boardroom.

Typical.

Typical. Well, miserable old devil.

My horoscope said I was going to get a new position.

But I interpreted it. quite different thing.

I have never been fact.

All the years I've worked in shops.

I think we should all resign before we are dismissed.

I don't think we should do anything hasty.

Water. Weak as water. That's what you are. I agree with you, Mr. Granger.

And I am unanimous in that.

Hands up all those who think we should resign.

Good.

And we do it in alphabetical order.

Brahms. Men first.

Granger.

A very good morning to you all.

What's the matter, cat? Got your tongues?

Before you say anything, Mr. Grace, Mr. Granger has a statement to make.

Has he?

Well, what is it then?

Good morning, Mr. Grace.

I'm afraid I must resign.

Oh, well, Ernest, I suppose it had to come sooner or later.

Make a note of that, Rumbold, and then tell them what I have in mind.

Mr. Grace has decided in his wisdom that it would be a good idea if we all

obtained experience of other people's departments.

To that end, it has been decided that haberdashery and notions...

should go to bathroom fittings and sanitary wear, stationery should go to

bedding, and the ladies and gentlemen of our floor are going to toys. So we're

not going to get the sack after all.

No, on the contrary.

You could be promoted to the position recently left vacant by Mr. Granger.

I should say he was the obvious candidate, sir.

Oh, well, Ross, make a note of that, Mr. Wakefield.

Congratulations. It will also leave a vacancy in Mr Humphrey's position, sir.

May I apply for that?

Could Mr Lucas step into your shoes, Mr Humphrey? Oh, yes, he's shown a lot of

promise.

And I do believe in giving young men an opportunity.

Well, make a note of that, too.

I was under some misapprehension.

I'd like to withdraw my notice.

It's gone down in the minutes, hasn't it, Miss Beckwell? Yes, ma 'am. Mr.

Rumbold. I'm afraid once it's done in the minutes, the resignation will have

stand. Surely we don't have to be that hard on him, Mr. Rumbold? Couldn't he

reapply? I suppose so. Do you want to do that? Oh, yes, I do.

Wants to reapply, then. Oh, well.

Have we any vacancies?

Young Mr.

Lucas's job is going.

He's a bit old for that, isn't he?

I think we should give him a chance, sir. After all, he has had a lot of

experience. Very well, very well. Give him the job.

Welcome to Grace Brothers, young man.

Well done, Mr Granger. And if you work really hard, maybe in 20 or 30 years

you'll be earning what you were five minutes ago.

I can watch you go.

We debag the juniors on their first day.

Very well, that's settled. We'll see you all in toys first thing on Monday

morning.

Don't be late, Mr. Granger. We don't want a black mark on your first day as a

junior, you know.

Oh, Rob, just look at that big bag.

Oh, I do like that.

Morning,

ladies. Welcome to Toilet.

The fairly timed book is over there. if you care to try me.

Just a minute, Mr. Granger. Junior's signed love.

Don't worry, Captain Peacock's going to have a word with Mr Rumble about your

reinstatement. Yes, providing your superiors give you a good report.

Where is old Peacock, anyway?

He's here, and I warn you, he's in a bad mood. They dragged him out on Sunday

morning so he could learn all about the goods.

Oh, how ridiculous.

What is there to learn about toys?

All you do is bounce them, cuddle them or turn them on.

Just like girls, really.

I'll give him a chance.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning.

Oh, here.

Anybody fancy a little early morning cocoa?

Get off the floor, Mr Harman.

Captain Peacock, now that you're in toys, you have to learn to develop a

of humour.

Now we're all here, who's going to sell what?

Well, I think it would be best if I acquaint you with the general range of

products. And then we can allot responsibility later.

I dislike children.

I always did dislike children.

I disliked children even when I was a child.

Well, you played with toys, didn't you?

Well, I remember that I used to make soldiers out of plasticine and fill them

with tomato sauce.

Whatever for?

So that I could shoot them down with my air pistol and it made my sister sick.

Now, this area here... Look, if this is going to be a long do, I want to spend a

penny.

I'll be as brief as possible, Mrs. Stoker.

Now, this area here is devoted to the two -to -five -year -olds.

For instance, we have a lot of this sort of thing.

Oh, what does that do?

It's very exciting when you're two.

Japanese rubbish.

A lot of men in back rooms inventing that.

I'm sure they do other things as well.

Yes. Well, now, this is a special offer. The Wibbly Wobbly Playground.

Now, we get the Wibbly Slide and the Wibbly Roundabout and the Wibbly

Rocker and, of course, the Wibbly Swing.

And with them...

Four wibbly wobblies.

Extra wibbly wobblies are obtainable at 25 pence per wibbly wobbly.

Now, to demonstrate it, one is recommended to adopt the following

Down the wobbly slide, around the wobbly roundabout, up and down on the wobbly

rocker. You have to have two or they won't wobble.

You should know.

Now then, after that, we come to the grand finale.

Oh, stop it. I can't stand it any longer.

Titan's killing me. Don't tell me that they're going to have a wobbly swing.

Exactly. There you are.

How much is that?

3 .75.

Now then, let's see if you've all been paying attention.

Mr. Humphreys, would you care to demonstrate?

Let's imagine...

that a small boy between two and five has just arrived at the counter. Now,

all up to you.

Hello, little two -year -old boy.

Are you interested in Wibbly Wobblies?

Are you?

In that case, you must be five.

Here they are.

Charlie Wibbly Wobbly and his friend, Roger.

Now, what do they do? They go down the little chute, on to the Wibbly Wobbly

roundabout, on to the Wibbly Wobbly rocker. Oh!

Oh, dear, that's upset Roger.

Let's give him a wibbly -wobbly tummy.

He doesn't want to disappoint Charlie, does he? So they both have a swing on

wibbly -wobbly swings and then sit down together and discuss how nice it is

living in wibbly -wobbly land.

But little do they know that Spencer the Spider...

want to frighten the children.

But there is no need to worry, because Spencer the Spider doesn't really like

the taste of Roger, so he spits him out.

And they all live passionately ever after for 3 .75.

Which is not bad these days.

Well, now, I think you've all got a fair idea about that.

Now, over here we have the usual games.

They're all fairly straightforward.

And in this area, we have the mechanical toys.

Now, this is very popular with children of three and under.

Why not one to three?

We prefer to call them three and under.

That's so it includes those at nought.

Now, this is called Tuffy Tank, and as you can see, it's stopped at nothing.

Oh, the same.

I'll bet Roger Wibbly Wobbly would like a ride in a Tuffy Tank. What is it,

Roger?

more sophisticated children, that is from five and upwards, we have a very

interesting range of robots.

Now, firstly, we have the television robot.

Oh, no!

It's Star Trek!

I bet it's a repeat.

And we have this one.

Obviously, it doesn't like television.

It's like the

United Nations.

It is rather exciting, isn't it?

Yes, well, now, over here. Follow me over here, will you?

In this area here, we have the mechanical cuddlies.

But they're all dogs.

Is there no demand for mechanical pussies?

that people prefer the real thing.

Now, to demonstrate, these do almost everything that real dogs do.

This... Here, this is Daisy the Dachshund. It walks.

And it barks.

There you are, Mr. Humphreys. Thank you. Come on, Daisy. Time for walkies.

Here is Daisy's friend, Billy the Basset.

various dolls, which are, of course, for the girls.

Not always.

This is a very popular range, Annie the air hostess. Now, she has a twistable

tummy, bendable legs, and you can undress her.

I used to live next door to an air hostess, just like that.

Careful, people.

Will you tell Mr. Lucas to stop looking up at her skirt? I'm just checking to

see if she's got any knickers on.

I think it would be more appropriate if the ladies were to deal with the dolls

and cuddlies.

Now then, here we have Playgirl Penny and her boyfriend, Funtime

Freddy.

As easily, Ben.

Funtime Freddy comes complete with a shower unit.

Now, he's made of waterproof plastic.

All you have to do is remove his hat, remove his sweater, then...

You pull down his trousers, take them off like this, quite easy.

Then you trap his neck in this device here so that he can't move.

I used to live next door to somebody that had a shower just like that.

By pressing this button, you give him a shower.

What will they think of next?

Does he always keep his boots on when he's taking a shower?

You can call him Funtime Freddy for nothing.

called Hocus Pocus.

Now, this consists of such things as itching powder, imitation ink blot,

bombs. Oh, I had them.

I used to let them off in the choir.

They called me Stinky Granger.

No wonder you've been a junior for so long.

We're also offering this rather interesting little novelty.

Mrs. Stokum, have you got a penny?

Thank you very much. Now then, watch this carefully.

Made in Scotland.

What about my money?

You said you wanted to spend a penny. You just asked.

Over here, we find the more complicated jars.

Now, these actually talk.

Now, this type retails at £12 .50 and is made in England.

Now, here we are. Now, watch this.

That one that you're holding, Mrs. Lowcombe, retails at £6 .50 and is made

India.

My name is Yasmin, and I have just been to the party.

Yes, Mr. Grace?

How's it going, Rumble?

Well, sir, they've only been at it for half an hour.

Yes, but bathroom fittings are doing very well in trousers.

Well, there are one or two customers about now, sir, so I should think that

lunchtime we should be able to foreguess the general spectrum of viability.

Yes, I've no idea what you're talking about.

Keep in touch.

Yes, sir. Oh, and about Granger, sir.

Granger? Yes, sir. He's now the junior.

Oh, Granger the junior. Oh, he's just come to us from Derry and Tom's, hasn't

he?

That was in 1926, sir.

26? He's a bit old for a junior, isn't he?

Mr. Granger is over 70, sir.

Over 70 until a junior?

He'd better pull his socks up, or he'll have to go.

God bless Wales.

Miss Peacock, sir. I'm afraid you've come... Come through to Gnomeland.

Captain Peacock is just showing a prospective tenant around the windy

Tell him to come to my office.

Peter Pan!

What is it, Mr. Huntress? Mr. Rumble wants you.

Can you take over from me?

Captain Peacock, I'm right in the middle of demonstrating the magic mushroom

tree.

I'll take over.

Enter.

Ah, Peacock.

I just wanted you to know that I'm doing my best to get Granger reinstated. But

I'm having trouble getting through to Mr. Gress.

Why, is his telephone out of order?

No, his brain.

By the way, while you're here... I'd like your opinion. What do you think of

this?

Streetwear?

It's a whimsical novelty, Peacock.

Very whimsical.

I'm glad you like it, because you'll be wearing it and demonstrating it round

the house.

I don't wish to make an issue out of this, sir, but if you insist.

I shall be forced to go over your head and appeal direct to Mr. Grace.

It would be very unwise of you, Peacock, to question my decision.

Nevertheless, sir, that is what I intend to do.

Well, be it on your own head.

Come in.

Yes, that's right.

I want a table in the alcove.

I'm expecting a young lady. If she gets there before I do, give her a drink.

She's a tall, blue -eyed blonde, about 65.

I must go now. I've got a man here with a propeller on his head.

Miss Grace, I appeal to you.

What do you think about your floor walkers wearing these?

Well, what does it do?

If you want to get off the ground, you'll have to get a bigger propeller.

Mr. Rumbold, will you do something about Mr. Lucas? He keeps filling my tinkling

dollies with fizzy lemonade.

And every time I do the putty demonstration, they get all covered in

Humphreys keeps coming over and putting Funtime Freddy in the shower.

I want it clearly understood in front of witnesses that I am responsible for

bathing Funtime Freddy.

I have just stimulated a customer's interest in Funtime Freddy. I was

through the demonstration to complete the sale. I mean, we must have scope.

If she wants to come over and give my wibbly wobblies a swing, would I

Oh, wibbly -wobbly.

I want a rule that we all stick to our own counters.

Well, in that case, stop Miss Brown some overwinding my vibrating bear.

Can't keep her hands off it.

What about him? He keeps crawling under my counter.

Can I help it if my robots get out of control?

Have a sensible conversation with that man.

Did he give you permission to take it off?

No. The last suggestion was that I should have put a bigger motor in it and

saved bus fares.

Sorry to interrupt.

I've got a bit of bad news.

We've had a bit of a tragedy with Billy the Basset. He got a bit too cheeky with

Bertie the Bulldog.

We don't sell Bertie the Bulldog.

No, I know. I belong to a customer.

And as a result of the frack -arse, this is what happens.

Pleased to see his head again.

By the way, am I covered by insurance against personal injury from ferocious

pets?

Well, I expect so.

Oh, good. Well, I'll go and fill in the necessary forms then.

I think that's all right, don't you, Mr Lucas?

A perfect fit, Mr Alfred.

Would sir mind raising his tomahawk?

Plenty of room under the arms.

The trousers are a bit long.

Indians are wearing them long this year.

This seat is a bit baggy. Yeah, well, you need them baggy, sir, you see, for

squatting round the totem pole.

It also comes with this simulated buffalo hide trophy belt. The hooks are

the scalps. Yes.

Would sir be requiring scalps?

Well, I... Scalps, Mr. Lucas? Scalps? Coming up, Mr. Humphrey.

Here we are, sir.

That's a very late range in scalps. We call this the Magnificent Seven Range.

That man hasn't got any hair.

That's your brinner, sir.

I'd like to buy a bridal doll for my little girl.

Certainly, madam.

Brides, Miss Brown.

Will it be a registry office or a church wedding?

Church, I think.

Oh, you're so wise, madam.

It's so much more romantic, isn't it?

Now, this one retails at £20 .50.

Oh, it's a lot, isn't it?

Ah, well, it comes complete with bridegroom.

And the full truth, oh, and if you pull this cord, it talks.

I love you.

I love you.

Isn't that beautiful?

Oh, can't you just picture the scene?

There she stands by the bridegroom.

They're stood in front of the altar. The organ's playing.

The ceremony comes to a climax.

She turns to him and utters those immortal words that he'll remember

I want to go to the body.

I see the points are set. Good, yes.

Now check the signals. Right.

All clear.

So...

We're off.

Mr. Granger has sold four of those already, sir.

I thought he didn't like children.

He doesn't, but he likes trains.

I do hope we can do something about his reinstatement.

Oh, yes, that was all very unfortunate, but leave it to me. I'll fix it with Mr.

Grace.

Well, the sales figures are very good, Rumbles.

Yes, sir. I think the whole staff have found it very stimulating.

Mind you, they'll be glad to get back to their own departments.

Yes, of course. Well, it's nearly closing time. I'll come down and thank

personally. Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, well, about Granger, sir, he didn't really intend to resign.

Well, I know that. I was just teaching him a lesson.

Nobody you know is indispensable.

Except her, perhaps, if she goes on playing her part.

Right, we've got time for one more race before the shop closes.

All right, Mrs. Slocum's on blue, Miss Brown's on red, and Mr. Humphreys is on

virgin white.

Oh, yes. No, Fred, it's 50p a knob, winner take all. They're on to start his

orders. And they're off!

Yay! Oh!

All right, I'll catch up now. Here we go.

Mrs. Slocum has been oddly pursued, which hasn't happened for years.

Hello, Mr. Humphreys is a little behind.

Oh, it was a disadvantage.

One after one after one.

Trust him to get it. I know.

It's amazing what you see when you have a... Good evening, everybody.

Good evening, Mr Grace. Well, I'm glad to see you've all entered into the

of the thing, especially as the bell went two minutes ago.

Oh, we must have missed it in the excitement.

Well, thank you all very much indeed.

You've all done very well.

Thank you, Mr Grace.

Right then, pack up. We don't want to get locked in all night. Oh, I wouldn't

mind. Hey, I haven't had a go on the racing cars yet.

Night -night, little wibbly -wobbly.

I'm going to miss you.

Night -night, little tree people.

I'm going to beddy -bye. How do you do in England?

And, Rover, no barking and keeping everybody awake.

Who's taking that one home, will you, Mrs. Slocum?

Well, I have paid for it. I'm sure you have.

It's just that I've become rather attached to it.

Shall I tell Granger, sir? Oh, yes, yes. Put him out of his misery.

The Birmingham intercity special is just leaving from platform two.

Mr. Granger?

No, not now, not now, Mr. Ruffalo.

He's taking a good strain at any moment.

I've got good news for you.

As for Monday morning, you will once again be the senior assistant in

Oh.

I see.

Well, aren't you pleased?

Well, I was rather thinking of applying for another job.

I take it you're not resigning again?

No, but I was hoping I could stay on as a junior in the toy department. Then I

could go on playing with my trains.

So good, Granger. You've got to grow up sometime.

Still, we could have half an hour now.

Tell him to keep the store open.

Thank you.