Original subtitles

Perfumery, stationery and leather goods. Wigs and haberdashery. Kitchenware and

food.

Someday you'll come along, the man I love, and you'll be

big and strong.

Oh, there you are.

Good morning, ladies.

Morning. Would you mind clearing away quickly? I have a very important meeting

at half past eight. Well, it's twenty to nine now.

Yes, I know. I can't think what's keeping them. They're not usually this

Yeah, well, it's symptomatic of the company today, isn't it? I mean, nobody

takes any pride in their work anymore.

Well, we've knocked off. Come on, Ethel. Well, I'm glad to see that the older

generation sets such a good example by coming in early.

Yeah, well, I like to get out of bed before Mrs Armand wakes.

She don't look her best first thing in the morning.

Come to think of it, she don't look so hot last thing at night.

I've got the tables set up for the conference, sir.

Thank you, Mr Harmon.

Are you sure you've got the right date?

Oh, yes, yes, quite sure.

Well, perhaps they got hung up in a blizzard. It's awful weather out there.

Yes, but you didn't get held up.

Really, it's too bad of them.

I shall get very cross in a minute.

I can tell. I can see the angry flush.

rising up above your collar. I shall demand an explanation.

Yeah, go on, you do that. Give it to them good and strong.

I will. I'm not going to stand here like a lemon while they amble in one by one.

Right.

Blimey. The Legion of the Lord.

Now, you were due here at 8 .30. It is now a quarter to nine.

I would like an explanation.

As to why I have two inches of snow on my hat?

We've been stood standing outside in the snow for 20 minutes because some stupid

twit didn't tell security we were coming in.

Oh, dear.

I'm afraid that was my fault.

The angry flush is disappearing below your collar just like somebody's just

pulled your plug out.

Hot coffee for everyone, Mr Harmon. You know, I can't feel any of my extremities

and it's unusual for me.

helping me with my gloves.

All right, Mr Granger. Here, come on.

Do you know it's ten degrees below?

It's not much warmer above.

Now, where is Mrs Slocum?

No doubt with a meeting as important as this, she's got a couple of tennis

rackers strapped on her feet and she's mushing her uskies along the frozen

Thames at this very moment.

If you've got any sense, you'll still be in bed having a nice cup.

Hot coffee for everybody.

Or Mr. Rumble's a card.

My teeth won't stop chattering.

Well, put them in your pockets.

Come along, Mrs. Slocum.

What are you pointing at, Mrs. Slocum?

Well, I did have an umbrella.

But the wind blew it away.

Mrs. Slocum.

Mr. Rumbold would like to know why you're late.

Well, the central heating broke down.

I had to light the oven and hold my pussy in front of it.

Poor little thing.

Its tail had been hanging out of its basket all night long.

It was frozen solid.

Come here, Mrs. Hurdle.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, no.

I don't think I can face it. I've been feeling a bit queasy these past few

mornings.

Queasy?

Nothing serious, I hope. Come on, we must get on. Now, we are here to discuss

suggestion made by young Mr Grace at a senior sales management meeting.

Captain Peacock, you were there. Perhaps you would like to summarise the points

raised. I could have done that last night before we all went home.

That's why I thought of that, but I didn't want to delay anybody due to the

weather conditions.

Yes, we saw you sneaking out early, hoping no -one would notice.

As I recall it...

A young Mr. Grace has been reading a paper about sales psychology, and he's

very keen to take advantage of the herd instinct in our customers.

Well, I haven't had any herds round my counter lately.

The theory is that a customer is more liable to buy something if he sees

customer doing the same thing.

You mean like the free card trick?

One of the gangs starts the bidding to get the other mugs to join in.

Well, that's not quite how it was put. What if nobody starts? Would they just

all stand there looking?

One of the assistants who is free pretends to be a customer and says

complimentary things about the goods.

Like I said, one of the gang starts a biddy.

The assistant should employ such phrases as, I wish I could afford that, and by

Jove, that's good value for money, or I must have one of those before they're

all snapped up.

I've... and listen to some duck things in my time, but this is the duckest

I've ever sat here and listened to.

Nevertheless, young Mr Grace is very keen on the idea, so we're going to give

a try.

And that's what we've all had to come in early for.

Yes, well, we did think it would be as well to dream up some more encouraging

phrases, so let's all put our thinking caps on.

I've left the gas on.

Grasp the idea, Mr Granger.

What idea?

Would you like to play it to him again, sir?

Don't do that. Send him home to turn the gas off.

Come along. I'm sure we can think of dozens of phrases.

Let's go along the line. We'll have one from Miss Brahms.

Why me? Start at that end.

Oh, well, it'll warm up the kitchen, perhaps.

To what does that refer, Mr Granger? It's still on about the gas.

Damn, there's none left.

Now, that's very good, Miss Brown.

Damn, there's none left. You see, that gives the assistant a good chance to

produce another one of whatever they are. Mrs. Slocum.

Hey, I've got one for Mrs. Slocum.

Fancy them making one of those in my size.

Are we going to have much more of that, Mr. Lucas?

Now, that's very good, Mrs. Slocum. Yes, you see, it gives the idea of urgency

in case the stock should run out.

Captain Peacock.

How thoughtful of Grace Brothers to leave the doors open so that we, the

customers, can actually get in to buy things.

I take your point, Peacock.

Mr. Humphreys, by June, fancy Grace Brothers being able to do them at that

price. A full... range of sizes and all those lovely colours.

They're washable and durable.

I bet they never wear out.

Excellent, excellent. What is it? I don't know, but if you've got one, I'll

it.

Mr. Lucas, look at that poor, handsome young assistant. I bet he's fair worn

with getting up early and standing in the frozen snow.

I bet he hasn't had a proper breakfast except for a cup of coffee and a

miserable paper cup.

We must all buy something from him.

so he could afford a proper lunch. Then he'll have the strength to struggle

home, fall exhausted into bed, and get up early in the morning and start the

whole process all over again.

I'll see you in my office at ten o 'clock, Mr. Lewis.

Anyway, the upshot was that I took Pussy to the vet, and he confirmed it.

So since then, I've kept her in a basket by the radiator.

Well, you can't be too careful, can you?

Everything happens to you, doesn't it? That's what Mrs. Huxley said.

When is the happy event?

Well, I was so worried that I went to the clinic again yesterday.

I thought it could be any day now.

The funny thing is, it doesn't show.

That's why she's off her food.

Perhaps it's because it's the first time.

Well, that does make a difference, of course.

It's a pity, though, with what you haven't been so careful and all.

Now that I've got over the first shock, I'm quite looking forward to it.

You say you don't know who the father is.

Well... Yes and no.

it happened on my birthday.

You see, I came back from the pub after a few too many and I didn't shut the

door properly.

I think he lives with that woman in the next town.

He's ginger, isn't he?

No, no, it wouldn't be that one.

He had the opposite. Operation two years

conversation, Mrs. Slocum.

Are we right to think that congratulations are in order?

Oh, thank you.

Well, of course, it wasn't intended that these things happen in the best of

families. Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?

Half and half.

That happens in the best of families.

I can find good homes for six, but any more than that will have to be drowned

a bucket.

the fact that we may have got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

I think you're probably right, Captain Peacock.

Mind you, she had me worried for a minute. She had me worried too.

Especially when she mentioned the one that was Ginger having the operation.

I must go home at once.

We've got a Burmese next door.

A Burmese cat?

No, a Burmese bus conductor.

My wife's really fond of rhubarb.

Mrs. Slocum, but I cannot acquiesce to your request.

But suppose she has them all alone when I'm not there?

Well, can't you employ an au pair girl?

Or better still, an au purr girl?

I don't think that's very funny, Mr. Rumbold.

How would you like to be in a basket jammed up against a radiator in an empty

flat having kittens?

It would be a catastrophe.

permission to give my pussy facilities for her confinement?

I'm afraid there's no possibility.

Men.

Well, don't look at me.

Did he give you permission?

Did he, Ellis? Like, he just made a lot of bad jokes. Oh. If he was having them,

it would be a different story.

If he was having one, he could reach.

for the pickle jar alone, as far as I'm concerned.

At the moment.

As you see, there are one or two customers about, so I think it's a good

put Mr Grace's idea into operation.

Go and get your coat on, Miss Brahms.

I'm not wearing out my coat in the firm's time.

If they want me to pretend to be a customer, they'll have to supply the

Quite right, Miss Brahms.

Oh, very well, then. Go into the stockroom and choose yourself something.

Mr. Granger, are you free?

Yes, I think I'm free, aren't I, Mr. Humphreys? As far as I know, Mr.

Are you free, Mr. Humphreys? I am free, Captain Peacock.

Shall I inquire as to whether Mr. Lucas is free or not? If you'd be so kind.

Mr. Lucas!

This question may come as a complete surprise.

Are you free?

As a matter of fact, I am free, Mr. Humphreys.

Well, lovely to have called. Mr.

Lucas is free, Captain Peacock. Yes.

Captain Peacock? Yes, Mr. Granger. I am not free.

Go and spend the penny.

Can I take over from you, Mr. Granger, if you're free?

Can I take over from you, Mr. Humphreys? Well, that depends on Captain Peacock.

Look, I'm just suggesting that we try out Mr. Grace's idea.

Oh, what you mean about one of us pretending to be a customer and conning

mugs? Mr. Lucas, at Grace Brothers, we do not.

Con of the monks.

Well, I'm game for anything.

That's how you got so far, isn't it, Mr. Humphrey?

You noticed.

I leave it to you to decide who shall be the customer. Oh, well, to be fair, I

think we ought to take it in turn. Yes.

And you don't have to wear your own clothes, you know. Choose something out

the stockroom.

The gent's stockroom, Mr. Humphrey.

Excuse me, ladies. Is Miss Browns ready?

I've just called her.

Miss Browns!

If the customers admire anything, show enthusiasm.

Roger. Just walk about and look normal.

I'll show you Nick that lot, darling.

But if you're nice to me, I'll say nothing about it.

Mr Grace gave me carty blunts to wander round the store and admire the goods.

And you're the first.

What do you think, Sandra?

Oh, I don't know.

Is that the sort of thing Mark likes?

Well, you can never tell when they're in the civil service.

Do you think the colour is very attractive?

I can't make up my mind.

Mrs Stokken, her ladyship is interested in purchasing a bra and rather likes the

look of those you have on display.

Yes, am I?

Martin is very small.

I like them. I think they're dead sexy.

But discreetly so.

Oh,

yes.

Yes, that'll definitely take his mind off the polo. I'll have two pairs.

If you wouldn't mind waiting, this lady was first.

A cash or a count, madam?

Neither.

Not exactly an unqualified success, Your Ladyship.

Are you being served, sir? No.

Well, in that case, you'd like to be. Yes, I need some gloves, but I can't

make up my mind.

Ah. Well, I... Nice.

What's nice, sir?

Whatever he thinks is nice.

I see, sir. I think it's nice, sir.

I'll be with you in a moment, sir.

Now, gloves.

There we are. Now, this is a lovely pair. They're £6 .25.

Oh, get cheap. I'll have them.

I'll have a pair as well, please.

I'm afraid this is the only pair we have.

Well, I was here first.

Yes, but I spoke first.

I'm terribly sorry, sir, but this gentleman was here first.

I've been to every shop in the town to try and get a pair of gloves like that,

and now I've been pipped at the post.

Oh, let him have them. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, you were here first. You must have them. No, no, no.

I insist. It is time of life. He deserves some consideration.

Well, he's not getting any.

I did want those gloves.

Oh, shut up, you silly old fool.

Look here. If this is the way you treat your customers, I wouldn't dream of

buying a pair of gloves here.

I did too well, didn't I?

When I get my teeth into a roll, there's no holding me.

Stranger, I suggest you get back behind your counter.

Here. What was the stick for?

Always play for sympathy, my boy.

Where's Mr. Humphreys?

Get him changed.

The face eludes me, but I recognise the walk.

Oh, I'm glad you did that. I was running out of oxygen.

What is the reason for this masquerade? Well, I just wanted to look like an

average man in the street.

Nice. It would go lovely with this, don't you think so, Mr. Lucas?

We haven't got a customer yet, Mr. Humphreys.

Just walk about and look normal.

Extra for character work.

And, Mr. Humphreys, so far, this experiment has not been a rip -roaring

So I suggest you stick to one simple theme.

And what would that be?

Try, um... Oh, dear, I wish I could afford that.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, I'm looking for a cashmere sweater, please.

Cashmere sweater, Mr. Lucas?

Would that be pure cashmere, sir, or cashmere and wool? Pure cashmere,

The customer's looking for a pure cashmere sweater.

What colour, sir?

Beige. Beige.

Ah, there we are, sir.

Thirty pounds.

Just feel how soft they are.

Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing. How much did you say? Thirty pounds.

Oh! Say, aren't things a price?

Worth every penny, sir.

Just the thing for this weather.

I wish I could afford that.

I'll take it. Oh, yes. Then how much are those silk squares?

Oh, these are ten pounds each, sir. They are pure silk, of course.

I wish I could afford that.

I'll take that as well. Oh, I see.

Oh, and what are those hats?

Ah, now these, sir, these are sixteen pounds each.

Of course, they are pure velour.

Oh. Pure velour.

I wish I could afford that.

I'll take that as well. Will there be anything further, sir?

I know that'll do nicely.

Oh, that is one cashmere sweater, one silk scarf and one hat. That is 56

pounds, sir. And the same for my friend here.

I live alone.

Perhaps you might come up to my place and have a drink.

Oh, I don't think I could afford to.

Once in your life, you're not the last one to sign in, Mr. Lucas.

Don't worry, it won't happen again.

Who's not here?

Mrs. Slocum.

And what did you expect?

With big ears, not letting her bring her monkey in what's about to give birth.

She's probably had to stop at home.

We made it quite clear that she would be dismissed.

If she were absent for such a trivial reason... There's her right for meddling

about with Burmese bus conductors.

I'll put him right in the coffee break.

Knowing her, she'll probably try and do a colditz and smuggle it in inside a

vaulting horse.

You cannot come in here with that animal.

Do you see that? It's just given birth to a ballpoint.

Oh, it's a boy, then.

Now that we've concluded the practical joke, go to your counter, Mrs. Wilkins.

You really had him there with that, didn't you?

Oh, well, I didn't just do it for that.

Only my pussy can't bear to be separated from him. They sleep together, you

know. And at a time like this, she deserves every comfort.

Because I smuggled the expectant mother into the goods entrance. Mr Harmon's

bringing her up.

Have you got it? Yes.

Well, where is it?

Meow.

It's never in there.

Oh, don't worry. There's no tea in there. Look.

Well, I mean, it's either that or turn the tap off and make it into a manx.

Where are you going with that, Mr Harmon?

To the goods left. I'm taking it to the boys in the basement.

I'll have a quick cup of tea before you go.

It's coffee.

In that case, I'll have a quick cup of coffee. It ain't very nice, coffee.

It never is.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning, Mr. Hayes.

Well, I hear that my idea was not a great success.

Oh, nonsense.

No, no, the idea was excellent. It just wasn't executed very well.

Lord, it's not opening time already, is it?

No, sir, no, sir, that's opening time. Oh, good, good. I just thought I'd come

down and give you all a... A few tips on salesmanship.

Oh, it will be an honour, sir.

Yes, I'm all right.

Please, gentlemen, please.

I used to serve, you know, fish mostly.

Must be difficult taking their inside leg, Mr Grace.

He's an idiot, isn't he?

I want you all to just pretend that I'm just one of you. Thank you, Mr Grace.

Where are the customers, then?

Sometimes one has to wait, sir.

Oh, dear, oh, very boring.

Am I allowed to smoke?

If you're one of us, no.

I don't think much of this job.

I've bedded her down in her hat box. I think she's started.

Oh, no.

Don't leave the floor. Mr Grace is with us.

But it's very important.

Mr. Gracie's waiting for the first arrival.

So am I.

Here, take Hector to her. She needs him at a time like this.

Blimey! Was he the father?

Good morning, sir. Good morning, madam.

Good morning. Can I help you?

At the tri -zone.

Yes, sir, sir. This way.

I'll get our senior assistant to attend to you, sir.

Mr. Grace, are you free?

I'm free.

Good morning, sir.

The customer would like some trousers.

Ah, yes. Good morning, sir. What size?

34. Oh, yes. What about the inside leg?

Oh, I've no idea, I'm afraid. Use my tape, Mr. Grace.

That's quite all right. I've got one of my own. Thank you, Mr. Humphreys.

You could do a lot with one of those, couldn't you?

early training with one just like that.

Mine had a bit more spring in it.

I say, should he be working at his age?

I shall work until I drop.

He's dropped.

I could still do it, you see.

Bully for you, Mr. Grace.

Excuse me, sir. I should come over here. If I were you, you'd never make it as

far.

Oh, good Lord, they're not for me.

They're for my au pair, Helga.

Nurse!

So far, she's got two boys and a girl. Oh, the clever little thing.

I'm not so sure about that. They look half... Chinese to me.

And I'll tell you something else. There's a lot more to come.

Meow.

Nurse? Oh, nurse, have you got any anaesthetic? I don't need an

need a pet pill.

It isn't for you.

It's for my... Meow.

Mrs. Stoke, am I to understand that you have deliberately disobeyed instructions

and brought that animal into Grace Brothers?

No, Captain Peacock.

Then what is in your fitting room?

My pyjama case.

I see.

Miracles will never cease, Mrs. Stoker.

Your pajama case has just given birth to six kittens.

You must know they're absolutely enchanting.