Original subtitles

Perfumeries, stationery and leather goods. Waste and drug adultery.

Kitchenware and food.

Oh.

Enter.

Here we are, sir.

One cup of decaffeinated coffee with two lumps of desugarized sugar with a dash

of defatinated milk.

It ain't worth drinking, but if you pour it over your head, it'll wake you up.

Where are my slimming biscuits?

Oh, thank you, Father. They're so few in calories, it blew off the tray.

It has been defluffed.

Yes, I'll do without the biscuits. Oh, please, yourself.

Oh, by the way, the CDU's arrived.

The CDU? Christmas display unit. Shall I bring it up? Oh, yes, yes. Yeah, right.

I'd better inform staff.

Which one do you think suits me best?

This one or this one?

Oh, if I was you, I'd stick to that.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

Not at the moment. I'm fluting.

I'm free now.

We'll gather the staff together. The CDU has arrived.

The CDU?

The Christmas display unit.

Oh, gorgeous.

Miss Browns, forward, please.

Mrs. Slocum? Oh, she's in there, flogging a tick fun.

she is undertaking a millinery sale. I'm sure she can spare us a moment.

Mrs. Slocum.

You called.

May we inquire why you're wearing that hat?

A customer wanted to see how it looked on me.

Where is the customer?

She left.

Mr. Rumbold would like to see you without the hat.

Mr. Granger, are you free?

Captain Peacock, would you come over here?

I'd rather that you came over to me. Well, I would rather that you came over

me.

Stranger, although you are the senior assistant, I must inform you that I am

one who is in charge on the floor.

And I must inform you that I'm the one who has his tie caught in the till.

All you have to do is ring up no sale.

To do that, I need your signature, so would you please come over here?

It's half empty. Where's Mr. Lucas?

I'll be with you in a moment, sir.

Come here at once, Mr. Lucas.

I'm just coming, Captain Beagle. Just coming, Captain.

What are you doing?

I was just demonstrating the electric trouser press, Captain Beagle. I was

disconnecting it.

I see.

Your toasted sandwich is ready, Mr. Lucas.

Explain yourself.

It's my breakfast, sir.

If I don't have breakfast, I faint in front of the customers, and it's very

for Grace Brothers.

Why don't you have breakfast before you leave home? Ah, well, I very nearly did.

Only the central heating's been cut off in the buildings.

I was just about to have my two boiled eggs when I noticed that my poor

mother was lying there blue with a cold.

What can I do, I thought, so I stuck the two boiled eggs in the tea cosy and

stuck it on her head to keep her ears warm.

Then I suddenly realised I was going to be late for work, so I gave her a quick

kiss on her blue chap lips and ran for the bus.

The last I saw, she was sitting there clutching the canary to stop her hands

from freezing.

If you care to join us for Christmas, you're very welcome, Captain Peacock.

Get rid of it.

Yes, sir.

Well, now, where's Mr Humphreys?

Oh, Mr Grace gave him special permission to be late after the weekend.

Nobody told me about this. Where have you been, Mr Humphreys? Where no other

has ever been before.

I hope this has been at an Outward Bound school.

Yes, they rode us to this island and we all had to fend for ourselves.

You know, all they gave us was a two -man tent.

I fought till three o 'clock in the morning.

That was just to get the stove alight.

Were they all men?

Well, it's hard to tell like this, isn't it?

Had it not been for a mouse crawling into the tent, I'd never have realised

for the past two days I've been sharing my razor with a lady traffic warden.

Get into a fitting room and take it off before the customers see you. With

pleasure. Do you know, coming here on the tube, an Eskimo tried to rub noses

with me.

I should have thought you'd be one of the last people to go on one of those

expeditions. The advert said it would make a man of you, so my mother thought

I'd better give it a try.

Well, hello, impoverished sunshine.

Everybody's side.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the CDU.

CDU? The Christmas display unit. Grace Brothers is purchasing one for each

department. What a lovely floor.

I bet there's a diesel -powered radiator to go with it.

Next Christmas, they'll have us all replaced by robots.

I can see it now. You know, a remote -controlled Granger with a bionic truss.

And a gas -filled Mrs. Slocum.

And a special switch for Mr. Lucas to shut his atomic... cake over there.

May we inquire exactly what its function is?

Yes, well, the specification says that it utters a Christmas phrase in a deep

avuncular voice and opens its arms in a friendly, welcoming fashion.

Oh, that'll be nice.

May I ask a question?

Yes, of course. I realise it is all rather technical for the average mind to

grasp, but I'll do my best. What is it? What does avuncular mean?

Oh, well, it means like a sort of... Like an uncle.

But he looks nothing like my uncle.

Looks a bit like my Auntie Ethel, only her beard's a bit longer.

Yes, well, I won't ask you for it any more, Quester.

Well, can we see it work?

Yes. All we need is 50p. Oh, here. Be my guest, Mr. Rumbart. No call for you to

provide it, Mr. Harmon. Oh, think nothing of it. I've got the key to the

box.

Ho, ho, ho, little boy.

Goodbye, Mr. Rumbart.

For you.

Yeah, well, you see, there should be like a brand tub in front where the

owners put their sticky little mitts and they bring out a minisophant plastic

present made in Hong Kong.

Worth about fourpence.

Here, I thought you said it owned its arms in a warm and friendly fashion.

I think a little technical adjustment is required if you will excuse me.

Shall I try again, sir? Yes, please.

Ho, ho, ho, little boy. Have I got a surprise for you.

I wonder what that's all.

Why, do you want to buy one?

Yeah, well, the sleeves it's got stitched to the coat. I'll sung it out

Have I missed anything?

Well, there are one or two teething troubles, but I'm sure you'll soon get

gist of what we're trying to do. Show him, Mr. Harmon.

There's going to be one of these in each department for Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho, little boy. Have I got a surprise for you.

Oh, watching our figures, are we? We don't get paid until tomorrow.

You know, I can't make up my mind whether to have it on the bone or off.

I don't have it stuffed, dear.

Have it stuffed as a memento of your hard times. You don't want all those

potatoes, do you? Get off!

What did you select, Captain Peacock?

Theme cod.

Shall I take a look at it?

Right.

Just think, 40 brave men...

tossed in their frail craft in a ninety -mile -an -hour gale, rammed by

gunboats, frozen fingers pulling at the nets, all for this.

That's smoked, I bet.

I should get on with it if I were you. It all tastes the same.

If you don't fancy the tale, I'll have it.

Where's old Granger?

When last seen, he was ordering a minute's take.

His teeth will never stand up to it.

Well, at least it won't splash.

I think he's rather worried.

He's volunteered to do a turn in a concert for the old people's home.

Didn't he do that last year?

He does it every year. He does an impersonation of Churchill.

Never have so many Winstons been done so often for so few.

Well, this time they've asked him to do something more up to date. Oh, yeah?

What's he come up with?

Stafford Cripps.

Would you pass the water, please?

I'm on a health diet.

Thank you.

short of the essentials one is until one starts looking at health magazines.

Well, which particular pill is going to cure which particular deficiency?

I should start with the big ones, if I were you.

Funny you should say that.

That's kelp.

This is vitamin A, B, C and D. That replaces the vitamins in bread, butter,

cheese, beer and sunshine.

Personally, I'd rather have a cheese sandwich and a glass of beer sitting in

sun.

I hate so much for these pills, I can't afford it. This is a new one I'm taking

at the moment, vitamin E.

Isn't that supposed to make you be sexy?

Hang on a minute.

wrinkled and old.

I bet you've been taking those, haven't you, Mrs. Slocum?

No, I just look after myself.

Yeah, I'm sure you do. And may I say how much I admire you?

Thank you, Mr. Lucas.

How else could you look like that at 65?

Mr. Lucas, you're impolite to Mrs. Slocum. You will not be permitted to sit

the senior's table.

Did you get your minutes taken?

No. They said it would take ten minutes.

with spaghetti bolognese.

The instant junkies.

Mr. Lucas, get in touch with the dry cleaning department. Tell them to stay

later.

I'm very fond of this, you know.

It's Mrs.

Granger and I first headed in Sorrento.

Did you ever finish it?

It's facetious, Mr. Lucas.

It's a knack, you know.

he'll drop it into the little red leg.

Here.

Were you the last spaghetti?

Yes, well, what's the trouble?

I hope you haven't eaten it yet. No, you're just in time. Pull up a chair and

walk.

Why, for God's sake!

We just looked at the date on the tin it expired six months ago.

Oh, damn.

It's the first time I'd mastered it.

Never mind, you've still got the junket.

I was hoping he'd forgotten, though.

Alternative material for your old folks' home.

He has a pity about Winston Churchill.

Yes. All the old values are changing.

And if I may say so, I do think that Stafford Cripps is a bit out of date.

Yes, perhaps you are right, Stephen.

I might try some Leslie Horbalisha.

Who was he when he was a child?

He was responsible for flashes at pedestrian crossings.

Reinventing the Belisha beacon.

It could be your greatest triumph, sir.

I can see it now. Mr. Granger standing there with his head painted red,

away to a hushed audience.

My memory is not so good, you know.

I don't know whether I'd be able to learn the new word.

Well, that's easily remedied, Mr. Granger. You could mime to something.

Yeah, what about Julie Andrews singing the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?

Well, I think it's very un... kind the way you go on at Mr. Granger.

What have you ever done for old people?

I helped you the other day when your fitting room door got stuck.

I apologise that that is an order.

I'm very sorry, Mrs. Slocum. I do apologise most sincerely and most

Accept it.

She really is a good old sport, you know.

I think the idea of a mime might very well solve your problems.

Yes, the black and white minstrels mime. They just open and close their mouths.

but there are 50 of them and there's only one of me.

You could do Al Jolson.

I'm surprised you remember him, Mrs. Slocum.

Listen, they'll have the record in the music department. All you'll have to do

is open and close your mouth at the right moment.

But he can't do that with a junket.

Perhaps you could get Mr. Humphreys to teach you a few actions to go with it.

Oh, would you, Mr. Humphreys?

Yes, with pleasure, Mr. Granger. I love a challenge.

All we've got to do is think of the right song.

What about the old folks at home? Oh, the old folks at home. Mrs. Slocum could

teach you the actions to that.

I'm off.

Mr. Lucas. All right, I'll go and apologize.

What about Climb Up On My Knees, Sonny Boy?

I don't think his knees are up to it.

I can remember some of the words of Mammy. Which are the words you remember?

No, she's not, Cross.

She was at the counter ordering a bowl of junkie.

You're very lucky, Mr Lucas, that Mrs Slocum is a woman of great self

Yeah, she's not a bad old trout, really.

Here, Mr Rager, I've borrowed this record, and we can play it through the

system.

It is really very good of you, you know, Mr Humphreys. Not at all, Mr Granger.

As soon as everybody's gone, we'll have a little rehearsal.

Just a moment, please, just a moment. Mr Rumble would like to address you before

you all leave.

Well, I hope it's not going to take long.

If I'm not home on the stroke of seven, my pussy starts cloying at my jizziness.

Sorry about this. You've probably heard that our electric father Christmases

have not been an unqualified success.

The voice is all right, but the arms need some modification.

Yes, it was a pity about the small boy with the broken ribs.

Still, Mr.

Grace did manage to pull a few strings and get him put in a private ward with

his father, who's no longer on the danger list.

Having recovered from the electric shock sustained when trying to release the

little lad.

What it is to have influence.

Yes, so it's been decided to abandon the project and instead substitute a live

Father Christmas.

I'm asking for a volunteer.

Naturally, it's hot work, but there is a bonus.

Ten pounds a week.

Less tax? Less tax.

Anybody fancy wearing a beard and a dressing gown for a week for three quid?

Perhaps a show of hands?

With all these youth pills I'm taking, I don't think it would be good for my

image.

Children don't seem to like me.

When I smile, they hide their faces in their mother's skirts.

Well, uh... If any of you do decide to change your mind, perhaps you'd like to

submit a written application.

Otherwise, someone will have to be appointed.

Now, that's all. Good night, everybody.

Right, come on, look, I've plugged it in. Now, Mr. Granger, Mr. Lucas and I

worked out one or two actions for you. Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr.

Humphrey. Not at all, Mr. Granger. I just hope you'll bear it in mind when I

if I can leave early on Christmas Eve to do me shopping.

Well, nothing is for nothing, as my grandmother used to say.

Now, you sit down here, Mr. Granger, and we'll show you what we've got in mind.

Your hat, Mr. Lucas. Oh, thank you, Mr. Humphrey.

Your cane, Mr. Humphrey. Are you free, Mr. Humphrey? I'm free, Mr. Lucas.

Fun fact!

Yes, I mean lots of people would take years you know to get hold of a routine

like this

My mouth was moving with the words, wasn't it? Oh, yes, yes. Your legs

moving with your brain.

Perhaps we could do it a bit at a time. Yeah, all right, yes. First of all,

let's start by deciding which is your left leg.

Tell you what you do, Mr. Granger. You see, you come on like this and you go,

Mammy, mammy.

The sun shines east and you go over there.

The sun shines west and you go over there.

And I know where the sun shines best.

In which direction is that?

me come to you.

Perhaps we could play the music a little slower.

Half a word with Al Jolson. It's only record.

Well, yes, but you can change the time.

Oh, you're not as silly as you look, are you?

All right.

Ready? Yes. Now, steady, Mr. Granger.

plenty of time to think what comes next.

Right!

Now walk round.

Mr. Grace, to begin with, there were no applications at all for the Father

Christmas post.

But since I've told my staff that you're offering £50 in cash, they've all

applied. I thought they would.

Some people would do anything for money.

Are you still down there, Miss Bakewell?

Yes, please.

Oh,

it's all right. I found it. It was in the waste paper basket.

All right.

I found it. It was in the waste paper basket.

Oh, good.

Well, now, who do you fancy?

None of your business.

As Father Christmas, sir. Oh, well, line them all up and I'll come down and pick

one out before the store opens.

And it is definitely £50 in cash?

Absolutely cash in the hand.

Thank you, sir.

Right.

Oh, who is it? Captain Peacock.

Oh, come in.

Oh, I'm sorry. I wanted to see Mr. Rumbold.

Ah, good morning.

I came to inquire if the members of the executive staff were permitted to apply

for the post of Father Christmas.

They are.

I gathered that.

Oh, wait a minute. Come over here and stand by me. We'll give her a surprise.

Enter.

Mrs.

Slocum, what on earth are you playing at?

I'm not playing at nothing, Mr. Rumble.

But I would ask you to remember that Parliament has passed...

the same for doing it.

I'm rather confused as to exactly what you're suggesting, Mrs. Snowden.

That I should be allowed to have a go at Father Christmas.

Fathers are, by tradition, men.

Well, with all these whiskers, who's to know the difference?

Presumably the mothers.

I demand they rise to a fair trial.

Oh, very well. We'll let young Mr. Grace decide.

The things I do for 50 quid.

in a Soho review called Mary Stripmos.

Do you see what the girls wear?

Do you show up or are you standing in a hole?

Downside -o.

No, I've seen everything.

I hope not.

Young Mr. Grace will be here in a moment. Where's Mr. Granger?

Well, I phoned last night. just before he went to his concert, and his wife

he'd put black grease paint all over his face. The parrot had seen him and had a

heart attack.

So I told her to wish him luck and give the parrot mouth -to -mouth

resuscitation.

Oh,

Mr. King.

We were amongst friends.

He said he saw he was late, but he got roped in as fur dustbin in a steel band.

to get this damn stuff off my face.

Well, didn't you use the remover I gave you? Yes, I did. It brought me out in

big bumps.

Oh, you poor old thing.

Then I went to an all -night chemist.

Couldn't he help you?

No, he just rushed with a telephone, called for an ambulance and said, Lasser

fever.

Mr.

Grace will be down in a moment. Get the rest of your Father Christmas stuff on

and maybe with a whiskers and a beard he won't notice.

How did the show go?

Oh, I was a riot.

He went to the wrong hole and did two choruses for the National Front.

Well, it's very lucky the old people laughed a lot, because I had a terrible

with my wife before I left.

I called her kissing the parrot.

Quick, into line, everybody. Here comes young Mr. Chris.

Neither of you. You're both too shifty -eyed.

I'll pay him 50 quid. He's only half -sized.

You see, I don't think I know you, do I?

Ho, ho, ho, little boy.

Have I got a surprise for you.

Good morning, Mr. Slocum.

You see, I thought you were very good last week. You saw my sales figures.

No, no. I saw Mary Stripmas.

Now, I knew it would be a difficult choice, so I sent my secretary out to

up the first small voice he clapped her eyes on, and he can choose.

Wow, that's what I call a real Father Christmas.

Oh, little boy, have I got a surprise for you.

Thank you.