Original subtitles

What are you looking at your watch for? We've only been

here half an hour. I'm worried about Captain Peacock. I've never known him so

late. So I explained the situation to Mrs Axelby.

Well, she said, Handsome is as handsome does.

That's just the trouble. I said he didn't.

Any more news about you and that bum?

Oh, well, I've got an interview with a lady from personnel.

Oh.

Who's personnel?

Oh, they send somebody down from head office and ask you a lot of questions.

Usually it's a man, and then, of course, it's a pushover.

I just wear a short skirt and cross me legs.

I'm out of there in a minute.

We're rolling round the world And looking for the sunshine Hip -hop!

Mrs Slocum, just the lady I'm looking for.

Do you miss out on that important engagement and you find that you cannot

the time for that little extra stunning on your coiffure?

Do you wake up in the morning feeling like you've been shot out of a cannon?

Do you wish your hair was like this, but when you look in a mirror, it looks

like this?

What is that?

That's an adieu display model for beauty bonds.

The new washable party wig.

You can wash it, crush it, screw it, boil it.

And it still comes out bambub fresh, does it?

Take it off.

And if you're not off the floor in one minute, I shall report you to Captain

Peacock. Oh, no, you won't, because he ain't come in yet. And what's more, you

know Mr. Rumbold's secretary?

She ain't come in neither.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing, nothing.

Not unless you happen to see them both come out of the duplicating cupboard

together.

Unless you see two hands clasped underneath the canteen table.

And what is more, who did he keep using his blow tickler on at the Christmas

party?

Oh, yes.

Oh, no.

She's much too old.

Yeah, and she's ever so common.

It's none of the matter of being common, darling. You ain't exactly Easter

rancid, are you?

Only because they pulled down all the other ones round.

No sign of Captain Peacock yet? No, I've never known him so late, Mr. Granger.

As much as I was just saying to Mr. Lucas that I'd never known him so late,

wasn't I, Mr. Lucas? Oh, you were, you were, Mr. Humphreys, yes. And I was just

saying that Mr. Rumble's secretary wasn't in yet either. Oh, that's right,

did. He just said that Mr. Rumble's secretary wasn't in yet either. Then he

like that.

What did you mean by that?

Haven't you noticed it's been going on ever since the Christmas party?

I said we shouldn't have had Mistletoe.

It always causes trouble.

No, it wasn't that. It was the postman's knock.

No, it was very badly organised.

I got a parcel with 12 stamps on it, called out for three and got the night

watchman.

If you're lucky, I got Mrs Slocum.

I didn't see Captain Peacock at all that evening.

Well, he was with Mr. Rumble's secretary.

Yeah, and then he told her that we were going to play sardines and he took her

into the broom cupboard. We'd never have found him yet, except he caught his

blow tickler in the door.

She said she'd missed her last bus, so he said he'd give her a lift home to

Reading. He was last seen surrounded by policemen playing Amazing Grace on a

breathalyzer bag.

I'll do that for you, Mr. Humphrey.

Men's apparel.

Assistant 13 speaking.

Unlucky for some.

Mrs. Peacock, can I help you?

Mrs. Peacock?

Yes?

She wants to know if Captain Peacock got back safely from his conference in

Birmingham.

His conference in Birmingham?

He hadn't been to a sales conference in Birmingham. Yeah, but you can't tell her

that. I know.

It's not convenient at the moment. You've come straight through to a

room. How's that for you, sir?

Oh, it's fine, it's fine, just fine.

I'm just serving Fife Robertson with a sporran at the moment.

Captain Peacock is dealing with a customer elsewhere.

Probably in Reading.

He's probably in Bedding.

I'll give him your message as soon as he comes on the floor and get him to ring

you. I see. You'll ring him yourself.

Bye -bye, Mrs Peacock. Thank you.

What about that, then? Well, it proves one thing. He hasn't been home.

I do hope he hasn't gone off the rails.

I did myself, you know, when I was in bathroom fittings.

There was a girl in haberdashery.

I got her into trouble.

What with the supervisor?

In the club.

You mean the social club?

The pudding club.

Do you think you invented it?

Don't let him see us looking.

Oh, it's disgusting.

Tending to ignore each other.

Did you see that?

Did you see that?

Carry on, sir. Nothing has happened.

Good morning, Mr. Alfred.

Oh, good morning, Captain Peacock.

Good morning, Mrs. Logan.

Good afternoon, Captain Peacock.

Yes, I am a bit late.

There's a reason, of course. Yeah, and here it comes.

The next object is a lie.

A lie.

I'm afraid I overslept. So did Mrs. Peacock. And the alarm failed to go off.

Well,

the alarm's gone off all right now. Mrs. Peacock just phoned.

What did she say? She wanted to know if you got back all right.

How thoughtful of her.

From your sales conference in Birmingham.

I can explain that.

You'd better explain to her now.

Men's ready made.

Oh, hello, my dear.

How sweet of you to ring.

What on earth makes you think that I wasn't in Birmingham?

How could your brother have seen me driving through Reading?

But, darling, there must be lots of Fords with a broken rear window, missing

hubcaps and a dent in the rear wing.

Huh?

Well, if you had a girl with her, that proves it wasn't me.

Where was I when you last called?

In bedding. I was in bedding.

No, not reading, bedding.

Look, dear, there's really no need for you to come over here to talk over

anything. We can easily have a little chat when I get home.

No, no, no, look, I must go. We've got a lot of customers.

Okay, that's fine. Yes, you've been a very attentive young man.

Thank you, Mr. Robertson. And don't worry if the sparring's a bit long. It's

bound to ride up with wear.

As you can hear, dear, we are very busy.

Bye -bye, darling.

All this must seem a bit strange to you.

Not when you watch Coronation Street.

Don't worry, Stephen, we'll back you up.

If you're referring to the rumours that there is something between Mr Rumbo's

secretary and myself, I must categorically deny it.

Excuse me a moment.

Not here.

Mr Rumbo wants to see you.

We don't have to make a secret about that.

I'll be there in a minute.

She just came to tell me that Mr Rumble wishes to see me. Oh, yes.

Of course, it's none of my business, but while you're in there, I should get

Rumble to back up your story about the sales conference in Birmingham.

Well, I can't overlook your leg.

I shall have to forward this report.

Come in.

Ah, I shall only be a moment, Peacock.

I'm just taking down the details of why my secretary was so very late this

morning. Now, let's just run over this.

You spent the night with Stephen in a car, shall I say?

No. No, with my friend Stephanie in Carl Shorten.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And by mistake in the morning, she took the Homburg from the bedside table.

Handbag.

Oh, yes, handbag.

With your season ticket in it. And by the time she returned, you were late.

Do you have anything else to add? I'm sure she hasn't.

No, sir.

Yes, well, I can't promise that you won't hear more of this. That's all.

I can't help feeling that that girl's getting into bad company.

Now, Peacock, you too were rather late this morning.

No connection, sir.

Wasn't suggesting that there was, but I would like an explanation.

Well, sir, for reasons I'd rather not go into, I told Mrs. Peacock that I was

with you at a sales conference in Birmingham.

But I wasn't at a sales conference in Birmingham.

I know that, sir, but couldn't you pretend that we were at a sales

Birmingham? Is this some kind of game?

No, sir, but if Mrs. Peacock asks you, it's absolutely vital that you bear up

story.

After all, we have known each other for 14 years, man and boys were.

I'm sorry, Peacock, but I was in London last night, and our friendship is not

strong enough to make me say that I was 90 miles away in Birmingham.

Watford Gap?

Rambold here.

My secretary's father.

Yes, we were rather worried about it, too.

But there's no cause for alarm.

She spent the night with Stephen in a car shelter. Stephanie in car shelter!

It's my glass.

With Stephanie in car shelter.

Let's see.

Oh, dear.

Well, you'd better do as you think best.

Yes, goodbye.

These young girls, all the tissue of life.

The father phoned Stephanie, and you can guess the rest.

She didn't spend the night in car shelter.

Precisely. Has he any inkling where she did spend the night?

No, no, but he's coming here to see the girl and find out.

I suppose it's absolutely out of the question to have the rest of the day

Bramwell's here.

Mrs. Cannon from Personnel's coming over in five minutes to interview Mrs.

Slocum. Is it all right if she uses your office?

Yes, yes, of course.

Well, that'll be all, Peacock.

Thank you. You've been most helpful.

Oh, Peacock.

I tell you what I can do.

I can try to be elsewhere if Mrs. Peacock calls.

Thank you, sir.

Get me Mrs. Slocum, will you?

Oh, it's just for you.

Mrs. Slocum, underwear.

Oh, in your office, Mr. Rumbold.

Oh, yes, thank you very much.

Oh, wish me luck. I'm going to be interviewed now with the lady from

You know, I think I'll wear me glasses.

Make me look older.

I mean, I don't want to look too young for the job.

On the other hand... I don't want to look too old, huh?

Everything all right, Captain Peacock?

Yes, up to a point.

Must Mr. Rumbold help, folks?

Let's put it this way.

If one were drowning, Mr. Rumbold would be the first to hold out an electric car

prod.

Here, Captain Peacock. Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Get on with it. What is it? What is the bad news? Your wife has just come

through the main doors.

And the good news is that there's a sailor bulletproof vest down the spoke.

You know what I do in cases like this? I just bare my soul and reveal

everything. And run like hell.

grateful if you'd both stay within earshot. She won't make a scene in

Stand by. Here's the lift.

Blimey, the worry hasn't half aged her.

That is not my wife.

This is my wife.

Stephen?

Oh, hello, my dear. I didn't expect to see you.

Where were you?

When, dear?

If you're going to prevaricate with me, I shall kick you right in the middle of

the gentleman's department.

We'll discuss this when I get home, my sweet. You won't be going home.

They're changing the locks now, my precious.

But we were going to the old comrade's dance tonight. You promised to press my

dinner jacket.

I kept my promise.

I have pressed it.

Right down the lavatory.

And I pulled the chain.

But we bought that dinner jacket together.

I remember it was an export reject.

I cleaned your shoes as well, with your shirt. Not to mention polishing the

silver with your tie.

and sweeping the chimney with your pyjamas.

She's very domesticated, isn't she?

You were with that girl, weren't you? What girl? Oh, I heard all about you at

the Christmas party with your blow -tickler.

You were disgraceful. You were a figure of fun.

I was not a figure of fun. I behaved with perfect dignity. Is that not so, Mr

Humphreys? Quite right, Captain Peacock. And the stories about your blow

-tickler are a gross exaggeration.

after you trapped it in the broom cupboard, didn't you?

Let me tell you this, Stephen Peacock. You've used your blow tickler for the

last time.

I'm going to see Mr. Rumble, and when I've told him everything about you,

be back where you started, sweeping up in the stockroom.

The lady can pass now, Dr. Corden. Please, sorry for the delay.

She won't be a minute.

Oh, that's quite all right.

but I'm sure he'll be back before long.

Do you work for him?

Well, yes, I do.

You're the one, then, aren't you?

Oh, I sincerely hope so.

You're older than I expected.

Well, I'm only a little over 40, and though I do say so as shouldn't, I have

the enthusiasm of a younger woman, combined with a great deal of

You're pretty cool, aren't you?

Well, of course, it's not the first time I've been up for this sort of thing.

You've done it before, have you? Oh, yes.

I believe jumping at every opportunity.

And anything to get out of underwear.

You see, well, there isn't much room behind the counter for a woman of my

imagination.

aren't you? Well, you know what us northerners are.

You were in Reading, weren't you?

Reading?

Oh, come along now. Tell me the truth. Were you or were you not in Reading?

Will it help if I said I was?

I knew it.

That's all I need to know.

Do you want to know any details?

I've got quite enough for my solicitor to send the necessary documents, and I

shall see to it that your name appears in every newspaper.

you for what you are.

Fame at last.

And from now on, you can take care of the gallant Stephen Peacock. You can

his shirts and down his socks, and you can bring up his early morning tea when

he's sitting up in bed in those hideous striped pyjamas.

They never mentioned anything about that when they advertised the vacancy on the

notice board.

Captain Peacock.

You want the bad news or the very bad news?

Just get to the point. The girl's father's here, on the premises, looking

the man what spent the night with his daughter.

Last award for Captain Peacock.

I should save it till he's had the very bad news.

Mrs Peacock was last seen chasing Mrs Slocum down the staff stairs, eating her

over the head with her umbrella.

Mr. Granger, would you take over for me for a few moments?

With pleasure. Stand by to make it permanent.

Pleasure, Stephen. Anything to help?

Oh, Mr.

Humphreys, are you free?

I'm very free, Mr. Granger.

Would you take over for me while I take over for Captain Peacock?

from you, Mr. Humphreys, or shall I stay standing here?

Just look at that action.

He's wanted that job for 15 years.

The mind is willing, but the bunions are weak.

Would you take over for Mrs. Slocum?

It don't look like she got the job.

Mr. Goldfarber.

Good morning, sir. Can I be of any help?

Are you the person in charge of this department?

I am, yes.

So you're the one who's ruined my daughter's reputation.

You mean the girl who was in haberdashery?

Oh, there's another one.

But that was 25 years ago.

But you're still at it.

You see this? This was for my daughter's wedding next week.

Now, her fiancé has walked out on her. And why?

All because of you.

Here you are, Mr. Granger. All right, yeah. You sit there, Mr. Granger. Are

all right?

What? I said, are you all right?

No, of course I'm not all right. How can I be all right with currents in both

ears?

I'm going to sue, you know. You do that, Mr. Granger. Don't forget the simulated

cream up the nostrils.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Good afternoon, Mr. Grace.

Mr. Grace has very kindly agreed to preside of this sort of inquiry into the

affair concerning Captain Peacock and my secretary.

I would like to object to the word affair being used at this stage. There

been no affair.

He wasn't using the word affair in that sense.

Shall we call it the occurrence?

I'm going to sue for that too.

Sue for what, Mr. Granger? The currents in my ear.

I'll explain to him. We haven't got to your currents yet.

No, they're very deep. I shall probably have to be anaesthetised and syringed.

Carry on, he'll catch up.

We also have to consider the case of the assault by Mrs. Peacock on Mrs.

Clocombe. An assault witnessed by Mr. Harmon.

Yes.

I had one up my nose, but I got it out.

Had what up your nose?

Salted almond.

We're talking about Mrs. Slocum. She gets up everyone's nose.

Don't start.

I am just in the mood.

That was Joe Loss, wasn't it?

What was Joe lost, Mr Granger? In the mood.

Yes, yes, you're quite right, sir, but we're discussing the assault on Mrs

Clocombe. Yes, those terrible fellows, those bad boys, you know.

Excuse me, sir, shall I serve out the coffee while we sort it out as far as

we've got?

No, we must get on.

We also have to consider the cake on Mr Granger's head with the cream up the

nose and the currants in the ears.

Now you're rambling.

Did you get all that down?

Every word's down. Well, cross it out.

Perhaps if we took things in the order in which they happened, we might avoid

confusion. Some hopes we'll have to send for Ellery Queen.

He would be the best Ellery to send for.

I think perhaps you're right, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Grace and I are most anxious that, at the end of the day, every party

concerned should leave this room completely satisfied.

Does that include Mr. Grace's secretary as well?

Mr. Lucas, this is a serious matter.

My whole future with Grace Brothers is at stake.

Well, I think you should be sent right off.

Well, Mr.

Lucas is a material witness to you being hit on the head.

Yeah, I was the one who cheered.

Listen, it's no laughing matter. She could well have suffered brain damage if

hadn't been for the fact she'd had to wear double lacquered for the interview.

Mr Harman, ask my secretary to come in, will you? Yes, certainly, sir. I have

kept Mrs Peacock separate from her in case they got together and have each

on the carpet.

I've also taken the liberty of confiscating her umbrella.

Call in Miss Monica Asianwood.

Do take a seat, please.

You see that?

You see, he's pretending to ignore us. I bet it's been going on for years.

Now, Miss Hazelwood, I'm going to ask you a direct question.

I have no right to do so, and, of course, you don't have to answer it.

And if you do answer it, nobody's going to hold it against you or use it in any

future proceedings. Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

It hardly seems worth it coming, does it?

Or did you not spend the night with Captain Peacock? Look, I object.

Spend the night has many connotations.

One can spend the night quite innocently in someone's company.

If you mean, did you have an affair with me, then say so.

Oh, very well. Did you have an affair with Captain Peacock?

Certainly not.

Thank you. Well, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.

It's absurd.

Ooh, it's unthinkable.

You've made your point, Miss Hazelwood.

A plain no would have been quite sufficient.

It's a Sultana.

I beg your pardon?

It just fell out of my left ear.

I thought it was a Curran, but it's a Sultana.

Thank you, Mr Granger.

Shall I put it on the table and exhibit A?

Damn, I've dropped the thing.

It's all right. It's Miss Brown's. It's sitting on it. Here, go.

Oh, look at that. It's still worn.

A bit flat, but it's still worn.

Allow me.

Exhibit A.

I can hear much better now.

I think the only way to settle this is for me to give a detailed account in

front of my wife of all the precise circumstances that led to this

chain of events.

Yes, I think you're right. Mr Harmon, ask Mrs Peacock to come in, will you?

Calling Mrs Peacock.

Please sit down.

Who's this?

This is Captain Peacock's wife, sir.

Sooner him than me.

Is that her?

That is my secretary, yes.

When I was in the Navy, we had a petty officer just like that.

So she didn't burst into tears when she thought it was me.

Funny, that.

I'm so sorry. It was such a shock.

First of all, there have been rumours for some time that I've been paying

attention to Miss Hazel.

It has been said that at the Christmas party, I pursued her with my blow

-tickler.

Excuse me?

One blow -tickler.

to make it perfectly clear that I pursued everybody with my blow -tickler.

I'll second that.

You know, we all did a lot of blow -tickling. I think we can ignore that.

Cross out the blow -tickling.

Secondly, it has been said that I held Miss Hazelwood's hand in the canteen.

That is true.

Ah, now we're getting down to the gritty nitty.

I was comforting her.

I suspect she was frightened by the toad in the hole.

We were discussing marriage.

Emotional woman, isn't she?

Her marriage, her forthcoming marriage to her fiancée.

She was asking my advice.

I was against it. I thought she was too young and inexperienced.

So you took her out to give her some experience.

I did not.

On the night in question, she was distressed.

So I took her to Beppo's cafe for the coffee.

Big spender.

I tried to dissuade her from the irrevocable step of getting married.

your own unhappy experience. I didn't say that. No, but you looked it.

Solitary call, please. Break clean.

I succeeded.

She phoned her fiancé and called it off.

Am I correct?

He has a remarkable effect on women.

Oh, he was so good -looking, and now he's got nobody.

Story of my life.

Miss Hazelwood was in a state similar to the one you see her in now, so I

thought it best to run her home in my car.

Six miles outside Reading, I broke down.

It was raining, and I tried to restart, but there must have been an electrical

fault because there was no current in my battery.

I thought... the currents were in Granger's ear.

No, no, sir.

That was a Sultana.

Very complicated, isn't it?

We waited until dawn when a patrol van started me up again. Just a minute, just

a minute.

What happened between the time the car broke down and daylight?

I suggested that Miss Hazel would climb into the back.

That's exactly what I would have done.

behind the wheel all night, trying to think what to say to the woman I love.

Why not jump in the front for a quick cuddle?

Quiet, Lucas.

Foolishly, I asked Mr. Rumble to purge himself.

Quite correctly, he refused so to do.

For, after all, when the final account is balanced up in the book of life, we

are men of integrity.

What I've said is true, and I swear it.

As a God -fearing man, and an ex -officer of the Royal Army Service

Mrs Peacock, if ever I've heard the truth from the lips of a man, I've heard

today, I'm sure you can doubt your husband no longer.

I didn't think people talk like this anymore.

Darling, I believe you.

No.

Well, that's all settled then. And on behalf of Grace Brothers...

May we hope that you will both sail life's stormy seas into the calm waters

old age, safely and irremovably together.

We probably shall.