Original subtitles

For perfumeries, stationery and leather goods. Wigs and haberdashery. Fitting

wear and fruit.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Can I help you?

Yes, I was wondering... We're going on holiday. He wants some beach wear. Yes,

want some...

Want some beach wear?

A robe and swimming trunks. Yes, a robe and some swimming trunks. I've just said

that, Claude. Yes, she's just said that.

Yes. Mr. Granger, are you free for beach wear?

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock, but I'm brim steaming.

A lovely action you have there, Mr. Granger.

Are you free, Mr. Lucas? No, I'm sorry, Captain Peacock. This lady's looking for

something large in wife ruts.

Mr. Humphreys, is he free?

I'm free.

I just had a disaster with my braces.

I stooped to conquer an inside leg. There was a loud ping and I had to

off the customer with my hands in my pocket.

This lady says that this gentleman requires beach wear.

Oh, my word, doesn't the year fly quickly?

One minute it's, oh, come all ye faithful. The next minute you're flat on

back in the sand.

It's hard to know which one enjoys the most, isn't it?

Yes.

Now, what did sir have in mind? We have Bermudas down to there, we have the

shorts up to there, and we have the briefs up to there.

Anything else is in the sports department.

We were thinking of going to the Orkneys.

How about some Irish tweed comms?

The wig is a little loose, madam. You'll find it will ride up with wear.

Anyway, what was I saying?

You're in this pub on your own?

Oh, yes. I was just ordering a bottle of champagne for me birthday.

Your birthday?

Oh, we haven't missed it, have we? Oh, no, no, no. It's not for three days yet.

I was going to say, we haven't had a collection yet.

Oh, you mustn't think of buying anything for me.

Well, not much, anyway.

As I was saying, isn't it funny how you get into conversation with people?

I mean, there I was, sitting on this stool, and this man was right over at

other side.

And all I did was take my shoe off and bang it on the counter to knock a nail

back in.

And he looked up and smiled.

Well, after that, he must have been interested.

And he must have been watching, because the minute I dropped my handbag and my

chains went all over the floor, he was on his knees, helping me. Oh, was he

-looking?

Well, you know that film where Steve McQueen played a racing driver with a

He didn't look like Steve McQueen, did he?

Well, no, but he had a very similar limp.

There you are, sir.

Would Madam care to see the shorts?

Oh, yes, of course.

Madam would care to see the shorts.

Good job he remembered his wife, Fran.

Mr.

Harmon, how many times have I told you not to present yourself on the floor

during opening hours?

It must be awful for you to keep telling me off like that. It's making you

frown. And if you keep frowning, you're going to look older and older. And Mrs.

Peacock will find a younger man and leave you, and you'll go all to pieces

have to retire just because I keep coming on this floor, which I've every

to do since I got to deliver this to the gents' department.

Have you quite finished?

I'll go over here and connect it up.

What on earth is this?

It's the new model for if you want to get Edgar Atwick.

That is why I was doing my brim steaming, Captain Peacock. Mr. Granger's

shown me how to brim steam and shape, but I get the wrist action wrong. Every

time I do it, it goes limp.

Your wrist or the brim?

That's it. Perhaps you'd like me to give you a demonstration?

Carry on, Mr Harman.

I like it. I like it. I like it.

I like it. I like it. I like it.

That'll come in handy if you're carrying a couple of suitcases and you bump into

the Queen.

That's funny. The eyes are supposed to light up as well.

Perhaps they only do that if the Queen's actually there.

Well, now you've delivered it, Mr. Harmon. Please leave.

I can't. I've got another one for Mrs. Slocum. Henry!

Here, Mrs. Slocum. It's the new model for the flexi -girdle. It contains a

figure what's out of control.

That's what he got. I hope they're just not going to distract attention from my

hat. We're all working for the same store, Mr. Granger.

Well, I don't think it's fair.

His moves and talks.

Mine doesn't do anything.

Don't underestimate the Flexi -Girdle Corporation.

Oh, well, I rushed on ahead to give them a chance to talk about me birthday.

I haven't reminded them yet.

Have you?

Not that it matters, of course, but they'll be so upset if they find they've

forgotten it.

Well, I haven't had time.

Anyway, should the conversation crop up, I'll leave the table and then you can

have a confab. Only remember, I've got an ironing board and an iron and a

pot and a toad.

As I said to Mrs Axelby, if Richard Burton wants to give Elizabeth Taylor a

diamond ring worth two million pounds...

You know, I can't remember whether this is chicken soup or vegetable.

Well, taste it. Well, that's not going to make any difference.

Oh, that's confused everything. It's got a fishbone in it.

It's not a fishbone, it's a hair grip.

It's game soup.

You know, I always think the grapefruit segments are safer.

That's what that fly thought, and he was wrong. It killed him.

You know, it's so expensive to eat out these days.

I took Mrs. Peacock to a little candlelit Greek taverna the other night

ouzo and a gurunopoulou. Nothing particularly.

Of course.

And with a taramata lata and a potiri of raki to finish, it came to nearly six

pounds. Oh, yes.

Nightlight robbery.

Was it her birthday?

No.

No one has to take one's wife out occasionally for an airing.

She doesn't look the least like it.

Mind you, we have to tie her ears back when she's having the soup.

You're a junior, Mr. Lucas.

She has very beautiful ears.

They give her a very pretty profile.

Mind you, head on, it's a bit of a shock.

I don't go out unless it's a special occasion.

Like a birthday?

I stay at home, you know, and do something exotic.

Every now and again, my mother gets the Jimmy Young recipe book off the shelf,

and we have a few friends round, and then we watch Warship.

Do you eat it while you watch it? Only if it's calm.

Then we pass the grog round, and we all take it in turns to pretend to be the

commander getting cross.

Does your mother play the admiral?

Only if she promises to go to bed early.

Manu, I suppose she stays up late on her birthday.

I'll just go and have a word with Miss Cumloty in Port Messe.

What was all that about?

It was her idea of a subtle hint.

In three days' time, it's her birthday.

So what?

Well, it is one of her great brother's traditions, Mr Lucas, that the

departments club together to buy a little present on these occasions.

Oh, well, that's easy. Miss Brandt is the ladies' department. She can club

herself together and get something really nice.

Oh, you're mean, as well as being overseen.

Mr. Lucas, any suggestions?

I vote we give her a cyanide tablet.

No, I take that back. Sure.

Two cyanide tablets.

At least the first one doesn't work.

Mr. Granger still blames Mrs. Slocum's corset display for giving his revolving

hat a nervous breakdown.

I think we should make it 50p a head.

25p for Julian.

You're not that junior.

You're going to have to bung him more than that. It's her 50th.

What makes you think that, Miss Brown? Apart from her appearance.

Well, she had to let it out last year, so she's the same age as her cat.

Now, she bought that cat in 1968.

Which makes Mrs. Slocum seven years old.

No, in the animal kingdom, one year counts for seven.

Now, wait a minute. Let me get this straight. That, uh...

Seven times 50, that makes her 350. I wouldn't argue with that.

The cat was 49 last year.

Right, which makes Mrs. Slocum 50.

Yes, we shall have to do something special to mark the occasion.

Well, I've already suggested a cyanide tablet.

Well, in view of this information, I think perhaps we should make it a pound

head.

Yeah, well, if Rumble chips in, I'd make it six quid.

Well, even that's not a lot these days.

Oh, I don't know. It's dinner for one, twice, at Captain Peacock's Taverna with

Guru Nupaloo.

I'm not putting a quid in until somebody proves that she's 50.

This is the bit we can't ask the cat.

It's very difficult, you know, to get to know a lady's age. I keep asking my

mother. She always says I'm as old as me nose and a little bit older than me

teeth.

I'm a great deal older than my teeth.

Well, it should be in her confidential records in personnel.

Yeah, well, I'm not doing a Watergate on her records.

Or perhaps we might sort of tie it up with a national event.

What do you mean?

Well, for instance, the Jarrow March. Now, that was in 1936.

Now, if she remembers having seen it when she was ten, that would prove that

was 50.

Suppose the Jarrow March didn't go past her ads.

I shouldn't think it would. She was born in Blackpool.

Testing it's easy. I mean, this is simply a method.

Look, I've got a diary here that's got important events listed.

Oh, well, go on, read it out, then. Oh, I can't. The print's a bit small.

Allow me.

My goodness, it is small, isn't it?

Now, then, let's have a look at 1926.

Now, that's the year that we're assuming she was born.

Now... Oh, yes, here we are.

Now, let's see if she remembers any of these.

Ibn Saud proclaimed king of the hedgers in Jeddah.

That would stick in one's mind.

Cologne evacuated by British troops.

Shakespeare Memorial Theatre strapped upon Avon burned down.

Is that all?

That's all, yeah. Quiet, yeah, wasn't it?

Nothing about the general strike.

We all had to give a hand, you know. I drove an ambulance.

You didn't by any chance pick up Mrs. Slocum's mother and take her to a

maternity hospital?

No, no, no.

We were just discussing memory and seeing how far back we could go. From

earliest years.

Mr. Granger here well remembers Ibn Saar proclaimed king of the hedjas in

Jeddah. Does he really?

Yeah. There was dancing in the street.

Does that ring a bell with you, Mrs. Slocum?

I don't even know what you're talking about.

The British Army ceasing to use cologne mean anything to you?

I didn't know they'd even start.

What's your earliest memory, Mrs Slocum?

I remember as if it was yesterday.

I had this uncle with a big red face and a great big moustache.

He put his face right into me cock and he went... I don't suppose that was in

the diary.

another time, I remember waking up in my cot and the place was filled with

smoke.

Stratford? No more, come.

I don't suppose you'd see it from there.

There you are, madam. And do bring the garment back if you find that your

daughter can't get into a 48.

Now then, I haven't had a chance to ask you.

How did you get on? Did you drop the hint?

Oh, yes.

Ooh, how did you manage it? I mean, subtly introduce it into the

I said it was your birthday.

Mind you, they shouldn't think of buying me anything.

Oh, they weren't.

They weren't? No, they weren't. They were discussing how much to divvy up.

Well, any little thing will do. I mean, it's the thought that counts. Just a

total... Now, those simulated foxes are rather nice, aren't they? And they're

ever so reasonably, you know, at 18 pounds.

I don't think we can manage that.

Well, of course, I could make a reduction.

And then offer staff discount.

Come to think of it, it's rather shop -soiled, isn't it?

So that's a further reduction.

How about 11 quid?

You're getting warmer.

Oh, look, there's a little hole in the lining.

Well, of course, that makes it seconds.

Would that bring it anywhere near six pounds?

Exactly.

I didn't mark the ticket.

Six pounds, slightly soiled. Oh, that

looks lovely.

Six pounds, did you say?

I'll take it.

Mr. Brown.

Are you free, Captain Peacock?

At the moment, Mr. Lucas, yes.

I've just come from the pet department.

They've checked the pussy book and Mrs. Slocum definitely bought a new one in

1969.

That means that she's 50.

And her pussy's 56.

Don't complicate things, Mr. Brown.

Hey, wait a minute. Look, there's Harmon over there.

If he chips in, that'll take 16 .5 % off the ante.

You're very good at figures when it comes to being mean.

Excellent idea, Mr Lucas.

Mr Harmon, one moment, please.

Just a cutting pick -up.

Mr Harmon, it's Mrs Slocum's 50th birthday, and we're all putting in a

What do you say?

I'm not allowed on the floor during work, you know.

I suppose Mrs. Slocum wouldn't care to put a pound in.

Well, at least the cake won't cost anything.

Why? Why not? Well, I've got this lovely tall friend in the patisserie.

Trust you.

She's a very nice girl. She likes doing different things with cakes, you know.

So I've given her a lot of Mrs. Slocum's background, and she's going to do

something exotic with 50 candles.

Excellent, Mr. Alphys, yes.

And we'll all give it to her when the store closes on her birthday.

What's that got to do with the six quid?

I'm not even sure we've got six quid. I mean, if old Rumble does a harmon on

us... Yes, well, things are a bit slack at the moment. Let's go to his office

and ask him.

A pound, even allowing for inflation, seems rather a lot.

Well, Mr Granger did have a less expensive suggestion, but after general

discussion, we decided to err on the side of generosity.

Oh, very well. Thank you, sir.

I wondered if on this special occasion, young Mr Grace would care to make a

contribution. Oh, we can soon find out.

Great, dear.

You're very faint.

You'll have to speak up a bit.

You're very faint. You'll have to speak up.

I said it first.

Perhaps you've got the phone round the wrong way again, sir.

Have I?

Is that better?

I think it's as good as we're going to get.

Now I'm on the phone.

Help me.

Ah, thank you.

We're making secret arrangements for Mrs. Slocum's birthday.

Don't need to shout.

Would you care to make a contribution, sir?

Well, yes, sir. Put me down for half a crown.

How old is she?

No, it's not half crowns now, sir. We've gone metric.

It's new pence of which the pound has 100.

What was that?

A hundred.

Oh, she should be retired.

So, as she stayed such a long time, well, I'll make it five bucks.

Young Mr. Grace has generously agreed to contribute 25 pence.

How much have we got altogether?

Six pounds, 25 pence.

Have you decided what to give her? No, before making that decision, we decided

to await the result of young Mr. Grace's contributions.

It hasn't made a lot of difference.

I could probably manage 15 cut -price vouchers for the canteen lunch.

Rather along the lines you were thinking of, Mr. Granger.

Don't you think that's a little impersonal?

How about a voucher from the pet department to give her a new pussy when

wears out?

How about a voucher from Madame Beryl's beauty parlor for her special spring

facial? No, not for Mrs. Clocombe.

For £6 .25, you wouldn't get enough cement to fill the cracks.

Yes, there's one good thing, sir. We've got a very nice cake.

Yeah, yeah, a friend of Mr. Humphreys is making it in patisserie.

I'm sure he'll do it very well.

I'd like to make it quite clear that being of an affectionate nature, I have

many friends of all shapes, sizes and sexes.

Even this morning I had some amorous advances from a rag and bowman's horse,

which I repulse.

I'm sure you've made it quite clear where you stand, Mr Humphreys.

What sex was the horse?

When you've got who's cranking on the cobbles behind you, you don't stop to

questions.

the actual gift I leave to you, but I do think it's time we did something about

the way we present the cake.

Ah, it's going to be served on a solid silver -plated salver.

I mean the way we sing happy birthday to you.

We do tend to rush through it.

I think, as it's her half -century, we ought to make it really good.

Well, there was a transport strike on, sir, when we sang it to you, and we were

in rather a hurry.

The only person to get right through it was Mr. Granger.

Yes, yes, I remember.

My scarf had caught in the pill.

Well, anyhow, let's try specially hard for Mrs. Slocum.

We'll have a little rehearsal when the store closes, hmm?

Is your note, Mr. Humphreys? A -flat.

You'll have to hang on a minute. I'm phoning me mother to tell her I shall be

late.

Hello, dear.

Yes, well, look, you have yours and leave mine in the oven.

Well, I don't know what time I shall be there.

We're having a sort of rehearsal.

It's like a choir.

No, it's nothing to do with the vicar. That was all in the past.

Of course I've got the right key.

Trouble is, I keep going in the wrong flat.

No, it isn't the story of my life. All the stairs in that block look alike.

Yes. Well, you'd better go, or your Greens will need training.

I wish she'd get married again.

Now, before we start, what is her name?

Mrs. Slocum.

Yes, I meant her first name.

Well, surely somebody must know. You, Miss Browns, you must have heard it.

Well, she calls me Shirley, but I always call her Mrs. Slocum.

Even her best friend, Mrs. Asselby, always calls her Mrs. Slocum.

She's a very private person.

You can say that again. I don't even know what she calls her cat.

On the bill head, she signs the initial E.

Oh, well, that's easy then, isn't it? Happy birthday, E. Slocum. Happy

Well, before the presentation, we shall have to find out. For the moment, we'll

just hum it. Now, these are the notes that Captain Peacock will be singing.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear...

I always think of Mrs. Slocum as, dear, er, er.

But, um, I fancy her name is, is, um, Eleanor. Now, I mean, that's three

syllables. That's a good point, Peacock. Well, in that case, we sing, happy

birthday, dear, er, er, er.

I think er, er, er suits her better than her, er.

I believe her name is Esmeralda.

Four syllables, Mr. Rumble.

Yes, well, let's see how that fits in. Um, happy birthday, dear, uh, uh, uh,

Sounds like a bad attack of indigestion.

What are we going to sing now?

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

Uh, I'll settle for that.

No, we'll have two uhs. I entirely agree.

To err is human.

The melody from Mr. Granger, Miss Brahms and myself is quite straightforward.

Ah, Mr. Humphreys and Mr. Lucas, here is your death cant.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear.

We don't think we can get the topper.

You don't know what you can do until you try.

True.

Well, now, just Mr Humphreys and Mr Lucas.

Ready?

One, two.

Happy birthday to you.

rations have gone again.

Well, let's try it all together.

Now, at this time, I want you all to put more emphasis on the you.

Make it more personal. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear, uh, uh... And then

the grand finale, happy birthday to you.

of Derry and Tom's Glee Club. No wonder they went out of business.

Well, if you're not going to wander down memory lane, I'm going to wander down

and get me back.

No, no, no, no, no. Miss Brahms, come along.

Everybody, all together, from the beginning.

One, two.

Axelby are just going to have a quiet dinner at that little restaurant next to

the dance hall. You know, opposite the American Forces Club.

Oh, is that what you brought your dancing shoes with you for?

That's it. Come on.

Where's the cake?

Oh, don't worry. My friends delivered it to the basement. Mr Harmon's going to

bring it up.

Have you got the present? It's here.

And what about her name for happy birthday to you? Hang on, hang on. Wait

minute. Look, Shirley wrote it out for us. Here you are. One each.

Look how she's pretending to go home.

Oh, well, I must be off.

Just one moment, Mrs. Slocum.

Who, me?

We couldn't let the day pass without making a little gesture.

Don't tell me you've remembered me birthday.

How could we forget?

Or be allowed to.

Ready when you are with the C -A -K -E.

Thank you, Mr. Harmon.

Mr. Humphrey is the president.

Oh, yes. Here we are.

Sir?

Mrs. Slocum.

Dear Mrs. Slocum.

Dear.

On behalf of your colleagues and the senior staff and young Mr. Gray, 5%,

you have much pleasure in presenting to you this birthday gift.

Oh, you shouldn't have bothered.

Can I open it now?

Oh,

it's just what I've always wanted.

Lovely, isn't it? Come on, let's have a look at it.

Oh, look, that's worth every penny.

Oh, you know, Mrs Granger's always wanted one.

Well, I've had one of these for years. I wouldn't be without it.

You wish I'd had one in the desert?

I've never actually seen one before.

We're not going to tell you what it is. It's a secret.

Right. Come along, everybody.

All together.

It's appropriate to the background of the person what Mr. Humphreys described.