Original subtitles

I'm glad you're in early. We're going to have a fire practice.

I see, sir. I'll tell the staff.

Oh, no, no. You mustn't do that.

We want to see how they behave in an emergency.

You just stand by and take notes.

Very well, sir. When will this occur?

I'm not going to tell you.

Why don't you just keep on your toes, that's all.

Mr Harman, the store is about to open. You're not supposed to be on the floor.

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock, but you might have twigged that none of the

and gentlemen dummies is wearing wigs due to an oversight from display what I

going to rectify.

Then be quick.

I would have been a damn tight quick if you hadn't poked your nose in in the

first place.

Don't procrastinate.

I shall look that up.

And if ain't very polite, I shall probably come back and call you a very

word meaning twit.

I haven't called it to you yet. I just said I may come back and call you a

That don't look right.

You're next, Daisy.

Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire!

Excuse me, sir.

That was a bicycle bell.

Oh, was it?

Good morning, Peacock. Good morning, sir.

You seem to be very short of staff today. Where is everybody?

We're here.

Draws had gummy runners.

I was just eating them for him.

I know it sounds strange, but I assure you it was perfectly innocent.

Fire! Fire! That is the store opening bell, sir. Oh, was it? Yes, sir, it was.

Are you expecting a fire, sir?

No, of course not.

Where are the ladies?

I gave them permission to pop down to the wedgie sale, sir.

Wedgie? What's that, golf?

No, no, no, sir, shoes.

They're a sort of chunky platform shoe. Their popularity is waning, hence the

sale.

That, sir, is the lift bell.

It's time you were behind your counters, if you think you can make it.

I'm sorry, ladies.

It's really out of the question for you to wear those during working hours. I

absolutely agree, sir. They're totally unsuitable.

I don't know what you're making all the fuss about.

I've had mine for a week.

Here you are, darling. Give us a kiss or I'll bring you a moustache.

Yeah, I won't with you, Kojak.

Don't take it off. It's my grandmother to a T.

There you are, sir. There's your jacket. And if the sleeves are too long, don't

worry, they'll ride up with wear.

They were too short. In that case, they'll ride down with wear.

I need to say, you haven't been out all week.

Oh, I've been out.

But, I mean, I always come home alone, don't I? I mean, it's the birds. They

just don't want to know.

Well, where have you been looking?

Well, last night, there was a Latin American dance class over the co -op.

did it get you divvy?

Do you know, all the women there look like Carmen Miranda.

From what I can remember, come on, Carmen Miranda, she was quite

Not Karma Miranda then, Karma Miranda now.

Anyway, then I went to the Garden of Aladisco.

Oh, I don't know how you can stand all those flashing lights. No, no, they got

rid of all them now, and it's all ultraviolet.

You know, the last time I stood under ultraviolet light, it showed up all my

jockey shorts.

I didn't know where to look.

Mind you, everybody else did.

Well, it showed up my two cat teeth.

I was just about to kiss this bird on the neck when somebody shouted, Dracula

lives, and she shot off through the fire.

Well, it's all the same. They're only interested in the pop groups anyway.

And half of them are dressed up as women.

You can make some terrible mistakes.

Yeah, I know.

Anyway, then I went to the pally.

Well, you should have been all right there.

Have you been there lately?

All the fellas stand around the wall like this.

And all the birds have got the handbags in the middle of the floor and they're

dancing, holding hands, going round in a circle. You can't separate them. I'll

lend you a handbag. You can join in.

My mother's still staying with me. She's got lots.

I just popped into... They

hadn't got very much left.

Mr. Lucas?

Yes, Mr. Uppers?

He didn't upset anybody at the Garden of Aladisco, right?

What is that?

How you been, sir?

The Amir wishes to speak to Chief Man.

I am the Chief Man.

Hazal Royce.

Ah, hello, little man.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What's going on?

Oh, I've worked it all out. When he was in the desert, he put this Arab bird in

the club, and now he's getting his comeuppance.

Oh, dear, dear. Here, Peacock, it's the Emir of Sidi Ben Dabi.

Dabi, sir.

What's going on?

Oh, I'm afraid it's you, sir. The sign they're giving is that to ward off the

evil eye.

Good heavens, surely I haven't got an evil eye, have I? No, Khadja, you have

evil ear.

Scarf for Mr. Rumble.

Oh, very well.

How's that? It's my grandmother to a T again.

Sir, I think you'd better let me deal with this. You see, having been in the

desert, I'm used to the ways of the East.

Sally, Sally, don't ever wonder.

Zana, may the sun never cease to shine upon your children, your children's

children, and your children's children's children.

He said,

are you mad? I'm only 25.

These are some of his wives.

He wishes them to wear trousers in the harem.

Trousers in the harem?

I'd find that very confusing.

How many wives does he wish to trouser? Seventy -two.

Seventy -three. And three on Fridays?

Oh, just think about it. Seventy -two wives?

Why, only three on Fridays.

Perhaps they're Roman Catholics.

Please tell His Eminence that I'm sure we can clothe these flowers of the

in foliage worthy of their beauty.

We are all your slaves.

This is our unworthy Mr. Granger.

And I'm the humble Mr Humphreys.

Damir wishes his wives to look like European women.

Can you show us models?

Well, I'm afraid we don't have models here, but I can show you two typical

European women.

Mrs Slocum, Miss Brahms, forward, please.

He say, what crime have they committed to be punished with these terrible

on their feet?

The torture is self -imposed.

We will talk business.

Would you help me, please?

Mr. Green, you're a very wise man, but jointy, creaky.

Mrs. Slocum, Miss Brahms, forward and down.

First show a sample of trust.

Mr. Granger, samples.

Well, he might have asked that before I got down here.

I'll get them, Mr. Granger.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Granger. The summer worsted. Yeah, one summer worsted coming

up.

Yes, the close weave, it keeps out the sand. They've been tested at Margate.

Excuse me asking, but do they get a lot of that sort of wear?

He buy one pair for head wife.

Sale, Mr. Granger.

What size, Captain Peacock? Ah, yes, the size. What size?

Don't know. I see.

Mrs. Snow, come forward, please.

Oh, what give? Stop!

Sir, but what have we done wrong?

In my country, we are all believers.

It's not permitted that women touch women.

Man may touch man, but woman may not touch woman.

Where did they say they came from?

Excuse me, but may man touch woman?

Of course.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

Then we kill him.

Hardly worth the commission, is it?

How, then, are we to take the measurements?

He may take the measurement.

I'm not even a believer.

Oh, Mr. Humphries.

What did Harris say, Winnie?

You may take measurement, but you may not touch a woman.

I see.

Do you mind if I have a word with my friend?

Turn round, dear.

Luffy.

Touch your toes.

My lily. I must remember that one.

And a minute. Now he's going to get his head chopped off.

Mr. Lucas.

Ready, Mr. Humphreys? Just play the magic word.

Shut testimony.

Eighteen. Two eighteens.

Comfrey's out with getting something.

What's that, Captain Peacock? We need the inside leg.

Oh, yes, the inside leg.

Do you mind if I have a word with my friend?

One false move, they'll turn him into an Enoch.

Will you excuse us a minute?

Comfrey?

On your marks, Mr Lucas.

Get set.

Good.

Entering.

Fifty -eight. Half fifty -eight, twenty -nine inside leg, Mr. Gray.

Better be ten pounds.

I've cracked the knee.

Yeah, well, then.

We bargain.

One gold. One rug, one trouser.

We do not take goats.

Very good goat. Give very good milk. Come in handy in the canteen.

This will be a complexion.

No goat?

No goat.

How does it look?

Beautiful rug.

All handmade.

Good for a floor. We have our own rugs.

One rug, one trouser. Very good deal.

Sorry, no can do.

The Amin

offers wife to the old one.

I can't.

I can't. Leave my ears.

Now I can't believe his eyes.

It could be a sale.

No, no, stop. Please, stop.

We cannot exchange wife for trousers.

She very good give much pleasure

I've got some curtains that colour.

You know, you see, we cannot trade girl for trousers.

You trade this girl for that girl. And also give us the old one with a face

a lemon.

Captain Peacock, what is he saying?

He's improving the offer, Mrs. Slocum.

You know, I'm sorry, as I said, we must have money.

Ad alfalus!

I'm sorry. No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, please.

One of these £100 notes would be sufficient.

Well,

I hope this isn't going to take long.

Mrs Axleby and I are going to the ice rink tonight.

I didn't know you could skate, Mrs Sloker.

Well, we haven't tried yet, but we thought that if we fell down, somebody's

bound to pick us up.

Well, I hope we're not delayed. I've got a friend dancing in Swan Lake. Oh,

yeah? What's his name?

It's a she.

I go every night, you know. When she's not looking, I pinch a feather out of

tail.

What for, to keep as a memento of your affection?

No, I'm restuffing a cushion.

Were you paying attention, Mr Humphreys? Of course I was paying attention,

Captain Peacock. And my friend Mr Lucas was paying attention as well, weren't

you, Mr Lucas? Oh, I was, I was, Mr Humphreys. Yes, I was paying attention.

I was hanging on to Mr Rumbold's every word.

I haven't spoken yet. That's why I'm hanging on.

Well, now, the practice fire drill this morning was a complete shambles.

We can't let another day go by without doing something about it.

To which end, we're holding an emergency refresher course.

Captain Peacock is our fire expert, and he will take over.

Thank you, sir.

Now, the exits are the main staircase and the two fire stairs at the back.

Now, on no account may the lift be used.

In the event of anybody being overcome by fumes, it is essential to understand

the use of the fireman's lift.

Just a minute. You just said we couldn't use the lift.

Mr. Brahms, the fireman's lift is a method of carrying an unconscious

Speaking of the unconscious, where's Mr. Granger?

Mr. Granger, are you free for a fire?

Yes, I am free.

What size?

Pay attention, Mr. Granger.

Now, the fireman's lift, as I understand it, is something like this.

Mr. Humphrey, would you mind being unconscious?

Yes. Have I been overcome by fumes or smoke?

Accommodation of both. Right. Let me get in the mood.

I was Lady Hamilton and I fainted when I heard the dreaded news from Waterloo.

Mr. Humphreys, Nelson wasn't at Waterloo.

No, but my mother was. She'd missed the train.

Look, can we get on with it? I can't bear the sight of my pussy standing at

door with the tin owner in his mouth.

If you'll all pay attention.

Now, are you ready, Mr. Humphreys? I'm too overcome to reply.

Oh, yes. Come on, get on with it. Now then, what you do is this.

You lie down at the side of the victim.

You grasp the right wrist in the right hand, and then you roll over like so.

If you don't mind me saying so, Captain Peacock, you're making a right Norse up,

aren't you?

I thought he was doing rather well.

You know, I'll show you how we used to do it when I was in the auxiliary fire

service. There you are. You can do anything you like with him.

You wait till you're asked.

be finished, Mr Harmon. I was about to show them the lift on the prone

Yes, well, I think we should all have a go at that.

Mrs Slocum, you can be the victim.

I'm not getting down on the mucky floor.

Miss Brown, get me a chair.

Now, who shall we have to rescue her?

Mr Lucas, how would you like to rescue Mrs Slocum?

Now, Mrs. Lucas, remember to relax and let your body go.

From the look of it, she already has.

I'm not having him put a finger on me if it's going to be cheeky. Do you want

rescue in or not? I just don't want any of your lip.

Mr. Lucas, are you ready?

Ready. Right.

Now, Mr.

Harlan, perhaps you'd like to take the next point?

Thank you, sir. Well, now, in actual fire, our biggest enemy is smoke, but we

must not panic.

Now, I would like you to assume that the whole building is full of smoke and we

cannot see the exits.

What do we do?

Phone my mother. Tell her to put my mints on a low light.

We get on our hands and knees on the floor and place our noses to the floor

where you will find some breathable air.

Everybody down.

You can keep breathing as you head for the exits.

Oh, blimey, I can still smell that goat.

There can be no question of my getting down there.

Now, well, in your case, Mr Granger, get yourself a snorkel and use it upside

down.

That's a general idea. Now, see if we can remember the rudiments of first aid.

Well, I hope we can. I've strained my back carrier, Mrs Slocum.

And I've strained...

butt in your ear.

In the event of the victim being overcome by smoke, there is a favourite

of bringing them round, mouth -to -mouth resuscitation, alias the kiss of life.

Oh, kissy -nutsy, I'm going out.

Just a minute, don't be too hasty.

We don't practice on the ladies.

No, we certainly don't practice on the men.

I can't go on. I mean, I can't work under these conditions.

I'm not getting paid for this, you know.

I mean, I'm just getting ordinary overtime.

Well, it's insulting.

I mean, do you think I want to go round kissing this lot?

I've got an Alsatian at home. I don't even kiss him.

I'm sure you mustn't take this personally.

It's just that we British have a natural resistance to kissing each other.

Unless somebody scores a goal and then it's every man for himself.

Just let me finish what I was saying. We've always got Myrtle, haven't we?

She's the one all the firemen practise on. Oh, that sounds good for you. You

ought to join the fire brigade.

Myrtle is a rubberised, simulated lady what the firemen practise the kiss of

life on.

Put your clothes down, darling. You're getting a big girl.

That's typical, isn't it? It has to be a woman. They can't have a man.

It's sexual discrimination.

You try getting 45 burly firemen to kiss the facsimile of Steve McQueen.

Now, the object is to blow down air, and you get enough wind and air to expand

the lungs, therefore bringing body life again.

Or bringing life back into the body, whichever way you blow down it. Now, if

are blowing correctly, this will be indicated by the built -in mechanism.

Now, I will now give you a demonstration.

It's very, very difficult. Excuse me.

Well, it's the first time I've seen that happen.

I hope nobody thinks that I'm going to blow into that thing after 45 firemen.

Anybody that uses a dummy will be issued with disposable hygienic lips.

Do we have to wear these if there's a fire?

Only if you have to kiss Mrs. Slocum.

I am going.

Oh, Mrs. Slocum, please.

I'm sure Mr. Lucas will apologize for that unnecessary remark.

Lucas?

Oh, I'm totally fine, Mr. Cooper.

The boy's a buffoon.

More like a baboon with them lips.

Peacock, you first.

Yeah, very well, sir.

He couldn't light me up either in the stockroom last Christmas.

You too.

I'm sorry, yes.

Come on, Peacock, put some more puff into it.

I'm doing my best, sir.

That's what he said in the stockroom.

the stockroom.

That's interesting, you know. The same thing happens to Mrs. Granger when she

eats meringue.

No wonder she's banned from all the tea rooms.

I think in the circumstances we'd better leave this and go on to the escape.

Oh, very good, sir. Well, now, here we have the mock -up of the emergency

kit. Now, in the event of all the passages becoming impassable with

We simply lower this out the window and slide down the chute.

You don't realise how dangerous a fire is till you've got one of your own, do

you? No, I'm going to have a private fire alarm fitted on my flat.

Oh, they're ever so ugly.

I'll keep it on the sideboard behind my Paddington bear.

Oh, I don't need a fire alarm.

The first sign of smoke at my pussy rushes into the garden.

concrete tortoise in the middle of the goldfish bowl.

One Sunday I burnt me Yorkshire. It was there for a whole week.

May we return to the matter in hand and familiarise ourselves with the escape

apparatus? Yes, sir. Well, now, all we do here is to jump into the chute. Now,

to slow down our descent, you simply spread out your legs.

Yes, well, we're all going to have a go at this. I'm sure it's not as

frightening as it looks. And then after each person has been through, she or she

may go home.

Me go first.

Climb every mountain.

Oh, you get quite a nice view from up here.

Well, it's better than the one we're getting from down here.

You've seen Evel Knievel. You're about to see Oakham Slocum in a death -defying

dive right ahead.

Mrs. Slocum, you don't dive down here. You slither down it feet first.

Just sit on the edge, love.

Right, I think at this point we should all... Turn the other way. I quite

I can't stand the sight of accidents.

Are you ready?

Yes.

You've got a fire bell?

Yes. I expect they're just testing it. Carry on, Mrs. Slocum.

Well done, Mrs. Slocum. Well done.

Where is the way out?

Under your feet.

Don't be daft. The floor's under me feet.

You're supposed to come out here.

When I go rabbiting, I usually shove a ferret down the aisle.

It gives it a quick bite, and the rabbit comes out the other end like a cork out

of a bottle.

Hands up for a volunteer to pop in there and bite Mrs. Logan's bottom.

Wait till I get out of here, you cheeky mugger.

Whoa, smoke!

Good heavens, show them this. Hey, that must have been a real alarm.

It was.

Listen,

listen. What are you lot doing here?

Get down stairs, quick.

in the base. But, officer, officer, one of our colleagues is tangled up in this

thing. Oh, I'll get him out. You beat it. Come on, come on, move it. Never

that, Mr. Schroeder.

Come on,

now, what are you waiting for?

Oh, it's the chief himself.