Original subtitles

perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and

food. Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Ah!

I shall be in my chair, Mr. Humphreys, if you require me. That's right, Mr.

Granger, you're going to have 40 wins. Yes, I didn't dream about the great

trouser sale of 1938.

So anyway, I said, look, Mother, you come and start with me for a week and

perhaps my dad will have come to his senses.

Well, she arrived. The first thing she does is complain about the sleeping

arrangements. You mean she didn't like the settee? No, she took exception to my

canopied bed.

The cheek of it.

I know. The lace alone cost £100.

that she wouldn't put her teeth in the cut glass goblet.

And to cap everything, as soon as she'd had her bath and put her curlers in, she

insisted on sitting behind the curtains looking at the neighbours.

And I bet they all thought it was you.

I shan't share my confidences with you if you're going to mock me.

I had some very strange phone calls.

Too heavy breathing and a wrong number.

That's more than you usually get.

Especially on a Tuesday.

Men's wear.

Oh, hello, Mama.

It's her.

Yes, dear. No, me sewing basket is in the pianist, oldie.

She's going to sew a button on me pyjamas.

Now, me pyjamas are in me teddy bear.

Well, it zips up the back.

Can't find me teddy bear, now.

It's in my canopied bed, peeping over the sheets.

Oh, no. Listen, if you're going to put the stew in the oven, for goodness sake,

take my slippers out.

Right, bye.

Yes, of course I shall be a good boy.

That's a funny place to keep your pyjamas, isn't it? Inside a teddy bear.

Well, where do you keep yours?

Inside my basil brush.

There you are, miss.

And if you take my advice, you remove the elastic before you wash them, and

they won't let you down.

Anyway, Mrs.

Axelby and me left. the pub then. Well, there wasn't much doing, you know.

And it was then that we discovered these two men were following us.

So we walked on past my house to put them off the scent, you know. Only Mrs.

Axelby fell down a couple of times.

Well, the pavements are very uneven round my way, and we were wearing our

-heeled ankle straps.

So, of course, these two fellas caught up with us. What happened? Well, it

turned out I'd dropped my umbrella outside and they were running after us

give it back.

Anyway, they helped me indoors with Mrs Axleby. Only after I put on the light,

they wouldn't stop because they said it hurt their eyes.

But they were ever so polite.

I mean, when we said goodbye at the door, they didn't try to kiss us or

like that.

That's unusual.

Well, I find that mamas are getting better and better.

No, Mr Rambault.

Captain Peacock isn't here yet.

Yes, I'll ask him to wait.

Morning.

Good God.

I have a ten o 'clock appointment with Mr. Rumbelt. Oh, yes, yes, he's

you. But he's been delayed in the boardroom.

Apparently, young Mr. Grace has fallen asleep.

They're waiting for him to wake up to adjourn the board meeting.

You're new here, aren't you? Well, I used to work on young Mr. Grace's

stuff, but after his last heart attack, well, his doctor decided on a change.

Well,

you seem awfully young to be a captain.

Oh, thank you.

How old do you think I am?

Oh, about 55.

Well, they didn't make my father a ship's captain until he was 60.

I was in the army.

I'm considerably younger than that.

Oh, you look much younger.

And besides, I like your moustache. It's very David Nivenish. Yes, it has been

mentioned before.

Well, looking forward, son.

Hello. Am I interrupting anything?

Not a thing.

I'm just waiting to see Mr. Rumble.

Oh, on the carpet, are you? Certainly not.

What are you here for, then?

That has nothing to do with you. Now put that down and get about your business.

You have no jurisdiction over me. I am manual and maintenance. You cannot tell

me to get out of this office. There is only one person who can tell me to get

out of this office. And until that person tells me to get out of this

this office, I shall stay.

Mr Harmon, get out.

Here.

He's chatting up your bird.

Now, uh, take off.

Thank you for dropping in. Shall I sit down, sir?

No, no, no, I shan't keep you on. This is a F .Y .E .O. meeting.

A what, sir?

F .Y .E .O., for your ears only.

Now,

Peacock.

Peacock. Yes, sir.

To put it in a nutshell, I'm going. Oh, congratulations and goodbye.

Is there anything in it?

Will you let me finish my sentence?

I'm going for one month on a sale and managerial seminar to Swansea.

And the reason for the board meeting was to decide who should take over here,

which is why I sent for you.

Well, I shall, of course, endeavour to give every satisfaction.

Are you taking your secretary with you?

No, I'm leaving her here. Ah, well, she'll be able to show me where

is.

Why should she show you where everything is?

When I take over the reins.

But you're not taking over the reins, Peacock.

What am I standing here for, then?

I sent for you to tell you that Mr Granger is taking over.

Mr Granger?

You get upset.

You are, of course, the natural heir to the throne, so to speak, and you will

ultimately take over in 10, 15 or 20 years' time.

I must rush home and tell Mrs Peacock.

But just for one month.

We're putting Granger here. It'll qualify him for a higher pension, and

absolutely nothing to do.

I know that.

Because I've done it all.

The point is, it will appear as if he's being promoted over your head, which, of

course, is not the case.

Isn't it?

You and I know the truth, but we can't tell anyone else.

Oh, I understand.

Well, he's a very dear personal friend of mine, and so...

It'll be something for him to look back on in his declining years.

May I have the pleasure of telling him myself?

No, I'm afraid you can't. They would give the whole show away. You know, I

tell him, and you will look suitably surprised.

Just speaking personally, I never have any trouble in getting up in the

My pussy's just like an alarm clock.

Every morning at 6 .15, it drops its clockwork mouse on me pillow, and it

goes...

Not until I've wound it up and had a game under the bed.

Mrs. Slocum, Miss Brahms, are you free?

At the moment, Captain Peacock.

Come along, Miss Brahms.

Mr. Humphreys, Mr. Lucas, are you free?

Yes, we're free, Captain Peacock.

Oh, yes, we are. Yes, we are. We are. We are free, Mr. Humphreys. Yes.

Mind you, five minutes ago, we wouldn't have been free, would we, Mr. Humphreys?

not have been free. No, Mr. Lucas. But we are free now.

Mind you, in two minutes, I won't be free.

Why not, Mr. Lucas? Because it's my coffee break.

Not anybody's coffee break until I say so.

Must be frightening to have so much power, mustn't it, Mr. Lucas?

Let's hope he uses it for good.

Now, what I have to say concerns you all.

Excuse me, sir. Mr. Granger is not here.

Well, where is he?

He's not asleep, is he? Of course he's not asleep, is he, Mr Lewis? No, indeed

he is not.

He's carrying out an investigation.

We thought we had a bit of woodworm, and he's listening to see if they're

chewing through his joint.

The first crunch, he'll leap into action.

Get him over here, Mr Humphries.

Mr Granger, are you...

Lucas has been telling us about the woodworm in your drawers.

Impertinent monkey.

I have to announce that I'm going away for one month on a sales and management

conference. Are you, sir? Really? Good gracious me. What a surprise.

During my absence, someone will have to take over my management function in the

office, and there has been a board meeting this morning to decide... on who

should be my temporary successor.

Good gracious, how exciting.

I wonder who it can be.

Don't pretend you don't know. It's bound to be you.

As a matter of fact, it is not Captain Peacock.

What?

It is, in fact, Mr. Ernest Granger.

No. I wasn't asleep over there.

Congratulations.

On what? Not being asleep?

The manager.

He's just said so.

What, me?

The manager?

I must say, it comes as a complete surprise.

Well, I think that's everything. Get all your things together, pop into the

office, and I'll put you into the picture. Yes, of course.

Let me be the first to congratulate you, Ernest. Thank you, Stephen.

Well, go to the foot of our stairs.

It was an abomination. Everyone knows it should have been you.

Oh, no.

You have to have one foot in the grave.

before you move here.

Oh, at least, Mrs. Slocum, you're eligible.

If I was in that office, you wouldn't be out here for five minutes.

Oh, I know. You'd have me inside there for a quick chat and a cuddle, wouldn't

you?

Now, come on. Off you go. And don't forget your spare teeth.

Will you take over while I'm away, please, Mr.

Humphries? It'd be a pleasure, Mr. Granger.

And would you be... kind enough to telephone Mrs.

Granger and break the news to her.

Well, you can do that yourself. You've got a phone in your office.

Oh, yes, of course.

I've got an office, haven't I?

Yes. Yes, I can't quite get used to it.

Mr. Granger, you won't need that in there.

Oh, no. Would you care to use it while I'm waves down?

A great honour, Mr Granger.

Just think of the thousands of inside legs at that start.

I'll see you later.

It's very exciting, isn't it?

Glass of water for Captain Peacock?

I do not require a glass of water. But I do. It's been a great shock to me.

You know, I thought you'd get anything that was going in that office.

Especially that new secretary.

He's making it so cold.

You know, if it was me, I'd be tearing my hair out.

Well, that shouldn't take you long.

That thin bit at the back is where the pillow rubs.

The rest is growing lush and rampant.

It may seem strange that Mr. Granger has been promoted over my head, but there

is a reason why.

Ah, it's because you're Jewish.

The finger against the side of the nose is a recognised sign for secrecy.

My lips are sealed.

Well, can we all have a guess? We don't need to guess. He wasn't up to the job

and he's trying to cover it up.

Oh, yes. You men are all alike.

Mr. Slocum was just the same.

Do you know, every morning at 9 .30 prompt, he went out of the house with

briefcase and his rolled umbrella and he didn't even have a job.

I found him in the park feeding the duck.

What did he say to you when you questioned him?

He didn't say anything.

He just went... Hello.

Can I have a word with Mr Rumble, please?

But he's not here, Mr Grace.

Mr Granger took over before lunch.

Oh, yes, yes, so he did. I now remember now. Well, I'll speak to him, then.

Oh, he's still in the chief accountant's office, Mr Patel.

Doing what?

Asking for a rise.

He's got the right idea, then.

He's asking for first -class payers next.

He's already done that.

Aren't you the girl who used to work in my office?

Yes, I am, Mr. Grayson.

How many times have I told you not to walk across the sales floor when the

is open?

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock, but we've run out of helium in the cellar.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, if I filled a balloon with it, I could have floated across the floor.

Because across the floor, I have to go.

Wines and spirits are on the ground floor.

This happens to be the executive drinks trolley and was ordered by the new

departmental aide, Mr. Ernest Granger.

who's already snapped me off once for not delivering it before lunch. So if

you'll excuse me.

Rolling down.

Oh, I heard that.

I do hope Mr Granger doesn't get into trouble for ordering that.

Perhaps he can hold a celebration party.

Oh, it's quite in order. Just one of the perks of his position.

Captain Peacock, I wonder if I could have your permission to leave the floor

shortly. I wish to ask Mr Granger for some time off.

I meant to mention that to you.

Certainly, Mrs. Slocum, but after me, I too have one or two things at home that

need my attention and I may have to leave early.

Of course, it's the Chelsea Fulham replay tonight, isn't it?

I must say it's useful to have a friend in the camp.

I've always found that to be the case.

Well, perhaps Mr. Humphreys and I could ask for a temporary rise.

What for?

Well, on account of the fact there's only two of us on that counter doing all

the extra work.

Yes, that's true, but on the other hand, you are sharing Mr. Granger's

commission, and therefore it could be said that you're better off.

What commission? We've only had two customers all day.

Ah, yes, well, I mean, all the same, there are two of us pretending and

as though we're doing the work of three.

Yes, but I don't think we ought to take advantage of Mr. Granger's good nature.

Men's wear.

Oh, hello, Mr.

Granger.

How are you? It's Mr Humphrey.

Do you know we do miss you?

Yes, of course I will. Captain Peacock, would you go in, please?

Good. I told him I wanted to see him after lunch.

Oh, I don't drown it!

And get that skirt all dirty.

Oh, well, how much longer, Mr Granger?

Make it shorter.

See who that is.

It's Captain Peacock. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Oh, yes, yes, I have an appointment with him. All right, send him in.

Mr. Granger will see you now.

Ah, Stephen.

How have you been keeping?

Since this morning, I haven't changed very much.

Well, don't stand... on the ceremony, Stephen, do sit down. Thank you,

Do you smoke?

Yes, indeed.

Have a cigarette.

I can't offer you a drink because it's not allowed for junior staff.

Now, what can I do for you?

Well, it's really very trivial, Ernest, but there is a slight domestic crisis,

so if it's all the same to you, I'll be leaving about an hour early tonight.

An hour early?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Do I take it you're refusing my request?

It isn't just me, Stephen.

I have to think of the whole of Grace Brothers, you see.

Times are very hard.

Not just parts of it, you believe me.

Yes.

Costs are going up and margins are coming down.

Of course.

Well, um, half an hour early then.

No, I'd like to help if I could, Steve, but I'm afraid not.

No, well, carry on with the good work out of there.

We have a great appreciation of you here at Grace Brothers, you know.

Stephen?

Yes, Mr. Granger?

Put that cigarette out before you go on the floor.

Did you get the time off then?

No, I suddenly remembered that it wasn't this Tuesday.

Is it next Tuesday?

No, actually, I don't need it until Mr Rumble comes back.

Oh, excuse me, Captain Peacock.

May I go in now?

With pleasure, Mrs Flurry.

You don't need to bother. He's coming out to see you.

Afternoon, Mr Granger.

Good afternoon, Mr Hamlet.

Good afternoon, Mr Granger. Hey, what's it like at the top, then, eh?

May I see both your sales books, please?

Our sales books?

Mr Rumble never asked to see our sales books.

I am not Mr Rumble.

Your sales books, please.

Ernest, may I have a word in your shell -like ear?

No.

Don't you order me back to my counter.

Whether you go back to your counter or go upstairs for your cards is entirely

to you, Mrs. Smocon.

I'll go back to my counter.

How long have you been in there?

He hasn't heard the last of this.

Down on your usual total, Mr. Humphries.

Without your support, Mr. Granger, it's only to be expected.

Mr. Lucas.

Oh, very messy.

Figures not clear.

Handwriting bad. Must do better.

I'm sorry, Mr. Granger. Shall I take 100 lines?

Mr. Lucas, you might be cheeky to me when I was over there.

But you will not be cheeky to me when I am standing here.

You wouldn't think that moving from there to there could change a man's

personality, would you?

No, no.

You know, I was in the Navy for a week or two.

One night I went ashore wearing the captain's cap.

You should have heard the commotion that caught.

Yeah, but did it fool anybody?

Well, it would have done if I'd been wearing the trousers.

Mr. Granger, I wonder, could I have an hour off in the morning for a

hairdressing appointment?

My roots need retouching.

I'm sorry, Mrs.

Slocum, but not in the firm's time.

Well, it grows in the firm's time.

The answer is no, Mrs. Slocum.

Half an hour?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

plenty of time next week.

Mrs. Slocum, you're discharged.

Discharged, yes.

And the rest of you had better be on time tomorrow morning, or there will be

few more vacancies.

These Brighton youth are coming in early for a change.

Don't be ridiculous. I have to get up early, otherwise the sparrows peck at me

gold top.

Well, isn't anyone going to ask me why I'm early? Right, why are you early? I

haven't been to bed yet.

You can't sign the book.

Well,

I'm glad to see that you're just on time this morning.

Good morning, Mr Gray.

Shall I take your coat, Mr. Granger? And may I compliment you on your executive

vola? You may, Mrs. Slocum. It won't do you any good.

Will you keep your outdoor shoes on, Mr. Granger, or would you like me to crawl

off and find you a pair of slippers?

Good morning, Ernest. I grabbed a quick cup of coffee at Bethel's.

You are late.

In spite of my warning, you are late.

It's a queue.

I shall make an adverse report on you in your record.

Now, you all of you started very badly with me yesterday, and you'd better pull

your socks up today, or there's going to be some fire flying.

Understand?

Yes, Mr. Granger. Who's this arriving late?

It's Mr.

Rumble! I thought he was away!

What, Mr. Rumble?

The main water tank burst, flooding the whole building, so they're called off

the seminar.

And I've returned to resume my normal duties. Carry on, everybody.

Mr. Gretel, what about me?

Well, carry on as normal.

Behind the counter.

I turned my

at you, Mrs. Slocum. You know that.

Of course you do.

And I wouldn't have made a report on you, Stephen.

Not after all our years of companionship.

I'm not being sent to Coventry, am I?

Coffee is bad for the heart anyway.

Especially an empty, broken heart.

I can't stand it anymore.

We all agree.

We all agree. He must be taught a lesson.

But I feel so sorry for him.

The rotten old bastard.

Well, perhaps he has something up. Well, I know I have.

I'll have to make it up to him.

You'll have a job making that hat up.

And the coat with the fur collar, he paid for that out of his holiday money.

we forgive him and that we're all prepared to let bygones be bygones.

Ah, glad I've caught you all. I've just told Granger there's been another change

of plan. It seems they've found a hotel in Edinburgh, so they're reconvening the

seminar there.

Oh, so it's all as you were with Mr. Granger in charge.

We were talking to Mr. Rumbo, Mr. Granger. I don't want any excuses. I

see you in my office right away. You understand?

Right away.

Well, don't all look so miserable. I was going to offer you a drink.