Original subtitles

Perfumery, stationery and leather goods. Wigs and haberdashery. Kitchenware and

food.

Where's the centre display unit?

Here you are, Captain Peacock.

Here's Fred Astaire.

Mr. Lucas is following on close behind with Ginger Rogers.

And don't let me catch you dancing cheek to cheek with him.

Just pull the trousers up, Harman. We'll be having customers here in a minute.

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock. Only Mr. Ludlow's just been given his works a

quick... tweak with the screwdriver.

I'm afraid we've had a few technical problems.

One does have these teething troubles, you know. It's a very sophisticated

of equipment.

It doesn't look very sophisticated with its trousers down.

Have I missed something?

This is one of the automated display units for the new dress hire department.

It's 10 ,000 pounds worth of equipment here.

Fancy.

Captain Peacock, I do hope that I'm not late. I noticed that the customers were

already coming in. Oh, good morning, Sir Kent. Are you being served?

Braces, Mr Humphreys.

Explain to him, Mr Humphreys.

Is that it? Is that the robot they've all been making a fuss about?

They look very lifelike to me.

Well, you don't look very lifelike at this time of the morning. Come to that.

what they've all been going on about.

Well, it looks just like all the other models. What does it do that's

Well,

that's different.

I hope that's not going to be a common occurrence.

Oh, she's got plenty of nothing.

And nothing.

Mr.

Lucas. Yes,

Captain Peacock.

Semi -clad models are not permitted on the floor.

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock.

Adjust the costume on that model.

Will you please remove your rags?

There speaks the voice of experience.

Store's opening. Are these things going to function, or are they just going to

stand there all day? Just about ready, sir. Now, I've programmed them for a

simple first manoeuvre. Now, he's going to salute, like that, and she's going to

curtsy, just to acknowledge him.

You know, people very seldom curtsy in these days.

My milkman does.

You should stop answering the door in your tiara.

You've been there early, have you?

Would you like to do the honours, sir? Oh, yes, of course.

What do I do?

Now, just press button three. The information is already in the memory.

Right, here we go, then.

Before I do press button three, I think it's worth pointing out that in so

doing, I'm opening up a new era for Grace Brothers, the era of automated

display.

To borrow the words of the first man on the moon, a small step for man, a giant

step for mankind.

Is that all?

Well, it's not easy to take a giant step with your trousers round your ankle.

Excuse me, sir, you did actually press button eight with the thumb of your left

hand as you were preparing to press button three with the forefinger of your

right, so it received the wrong signal.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Does button eight always result in the lowering of the trousers in that manner?

Well, yes, it's to help make a speedy change of clothes.

If you ask me, we could all do with one of those.

Can you imagine leaping out of bed and shouting, I'm late, I'm late, I must

press button eight?

Right, ready to go again?

Before I do press button three, I think it's worth pointing out... Excuse me,

sir. You've done that.

Oh. Ready? Yes, ready.

Ready? Yes, quite ready. Oh, get on with it. The suspense is killing us.

He looks a bit nervous.

Perhaps he's worried about his trousers.

Well, I've sent the signal.

Mm -hm. I think he's got the message.

or that it'd be straight up the curtain.

Press it again.

It would seem that something is gone wrong.

You can't expect it to curtsy after he's treated her like that.

There we are. Here's the sugar. Who wants what?

Well, I prefer brown.

Well, I'll give you some at this end where the gravy went in.

Mrs. Slocum? I'd like two big ones.

Shirley? Not for me, thanks. It's fattening. Here, here. Have one of

It's saccharine.

Oh, I didn't know you were on a diet. Oh, I have to hold back.

I made a dinner party last night.

Oh, was it a special occasion?

Well, it was to show off my new electric log fire.

It's got one of those revolving discs that puff out electric smoke.

It looks quite pretty, really.

What did you give them?

Cannelled halibut.

What's cannelled?

Well, it's a very refined way of doing fish. You chop it up very, very small

until it's a smooth paste.

Fancy you going to all that trouble.

Oh, well, I wasn't going to, but I slipped when I came out the fishmongers

trod on it.

May I join you for coffee?

Ah, we wondered where you were, Stephen.

I was having a sandwich in the boardroom.

A sandwich in the boardroom?

Young Mr. Grace sent for Mr. Rumbold and myself to ask our advice about the

golden shoes competition.

Golden shoes competition? What's that?

It's a national contest among department stores to find the champion ballroom

team. Oh, dear.

Debbie and Tom's weren't the floor with us.

What's it got to do with you?

Well, young Mr. Grace wants our ladies' and gentlemen's department to form the

team this year.

Oh, yeah.

Six years ago, I was in the team that reached the quarterfinal.

I was in soft furnishings and fabrics at that time, if you remember.

Oh, yes.

You were a legend.

Yes, I was.

What is more important is that we have hidden talent lurking in our midst. Now,

we've been looking through Mr Humphrey's records.

I was innocent of the charge.

And it appears that at one time he was an instructor in the Twinkle Toes dance

salon in Western Superman.

That is muckraking.

Before that, at the age of eight, he was a sunshine babe.

Oh, it's just like being on This Is Your Life.

A sunshine babe.

What did you do?

I'll show you.

Powder your face with... Make big smile.

And make up your eyes with laughter.

Folks will be laughing with you.

Fringes and little short frocks.

That's what gave me mother the idea.

John, Mr. Grace, feels that Mr.

Humphreys could be, as it were, the trainer.

Well, what about the rest of us?

There's more than two in a team.

Well, at the Christmas party, Mrs. Lowcombe, you revealed that you were

light on your feet.

She was very light in the head as well.

You're getting cheeky again, Mr. Lucas.

Mr. Lucas, I believe, was a frequent visitor to the Palais des Dames. Oh, no,

don't go there for the dancing, though. I only go there for the chatting.

He got chucked out the other night.

What for?

He tried to sneak in on the under -25s night.

How did you know that? I was there.

Anyway, young Mr. Grace is very anxious that we should compete and promote the

dress hire department by wearing their costumes. Oh, yes, not me, thanks very

much. Knowing that we have to do a lot of work...

He is prepared to pay us a bonus of £25 each.

Oh, of course, that puts a different complexion on the whole thing.

I'm very fond of ballroom dancing, you know.

I'm not good at it, but I'm very fond of it.

Then I shall inform young Mr Grace that I have your full cooperation.

Would you want the piano, Portlake, Captain Peacock?

Mr Rumble, where would you like the piano, sir? Oh, there will do very well,

thank you.

The piano department said if it ain't back by nine o 'clock tomorrow morning,

it's down to you.

I have written permission from Mr Widgery.

That's typical, isn't it? Take what you know, sue you know.

Right, pay attention, class.

Now, this evening, the first thing we're going to do is... Mr Rumble.

Mr Rumble.

Not while I'm instructing, please.

Now, the first thing this evening we're going to do is to brush up on our quick

step. Hands up. Who doesn't know how to do the quick step? I don't. What do you

do when you go dancing?

The funky chicken.

I'll put you down as isolation freestyle.

Is that the one that goes... It's hard to tell the way you

do it.

I do hope it's that one, because I do that very well.

I think perhaps, Mr. Humphreys, we'd better start at the beginning.

Yes. Shall you and I show them?

Yes, I think that'd be best.

Shall I lead?

I'll lead.

Take your partners.

Just a minute.

I think that as I know something about it, and as Mr. Granger knows something

about it, we ought to take Mr. Lucas and Miss Brahms.

Yes, good idea.

has thrown us together at last, Mrs. Slocum.

Belt up and you'll learn something.

What are you doing?

Directing the traffic?

Now, you will note that Captain Peacock's hand is in the small of my

in the small of the lady's back.

This would be wrong.

And this... This would also be wrong.

What happens if your arm won't stretch that far?

your two.

Shall we show them just the first basic steps?

Ready for the music?

Take the time from me.

And slow, slow, a quick, quick slow.

positive lead, Captain Peacock.

Ask him if he's free on Thursday.

I think that was rather too complicated.

Yes, perhaps we ought to start with the foxtrot. Good idea. Any question?

Yes. How was the piano playing?

Adequate, Mr Rumbone.

Well, if you think you could do any better... I

think with the...

Slower tempo of the folk strut, harmonies like these would fall more

the ear.

Did you get that?

Yes. Thank you, Captain Peacock, but I still prefer my version.

As you will.

Dancing so well and playing the piano as you do, I'm quite surprised to find you

working in a store.

Playing the piano as you do? I'm not at all surprised.

Please, please, please. Shall we try the first part with the first couple?

Mrs. Slocum, are you ready? Quite ready.

Hand in the small of the bag, Mr. Lucas.

I can't find the small of her bag.

back, but I can't find the school about it.

Ah!

From suicide.

Now, please.

One, two, three, four.

dance so close.

I am not dancing close. She's dancing close.

Mrs. Slocum feels that you're taking advantage of her.

That is not the case, Captain Peacock.

I hold the back of her out there, but the front of her finishes up here.

Well, do the best you can.

Very well.

I do the one, two, three, four.

One,

two, three, four.

If there's any more of this, I shall ask Mr Rumble to make an adverse entry in

your record.

I'm terribly sorry, Captain Peacock. I didn't realise it was that serious. I'm

truly sorry.

Anyway, I'm puffed. Let somebody else have a go. Yes, good idea. Try the next

couple, Mr Humphries. Mr Granger?

He's dropped off. The excitement was too much for him.

Wake him up, Mr Humphries.

Mr Granger?

Anyway, I'm just serving Prince Philip.

You'll find the sleeves will ride up with wear, Your Highness.

Mr. Granger, are you free?

Yes,

I'm free. Take off others for the Foxtrot. Oh, yes. Oh, one, two, three,

your engine running.

I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure where to start.

We saw your difficulty.

But mind you, I'm excellent once I do get started.

The competition might not last that long.

You know, my father always said, play a good game of tennis and a good game of

bridge and learn to dance well and you can mix with all the crowned heads of

Europe. And did you?

No.

Unfortunately, I had BO.

What a fragrant memory to look back on.

Well, let's try it all together, shall we, everybody?

One, two, three, four.

Mr. Grace.

The dancing?

Oh, it went very well, sir. We put in three hours over time last night, and I

think we have a team with a chance.

Good. Well, I shan't put them on unless I think they're good, you know.

Oh, by the way, Rambo, are you dancing?

I'm on the piano, sir.

I went and saw Fred Astaire dancing on the piano, you know.

Looked to me very dangerous.

No, sir. I'm on the keyboard.

Oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Think of your great big feet all over their keyboard.

I can't imagine that.

I know, sir. My hands are on the keyboard.

Really? Dancing with your hands on the keyboard?

Even Fred Astaire couldn't do that.

But we did once dance on the ceiling.

Perhaps I should start again, sir.

And there it is, your receipt, sir. Thank you very much. In the goodness,

Men's wear.

Oh, Leslie, dear.

It's the highest stockroom. They want our sizes.

What for?

For our suits for the competition.

Hang on a minute, Leslie, love.

Mr. Granger, do you know your vital statistics?

I've had no interest in them since I lost sight of my toes.

Hang on, Leslie, and I'll hand you over to our Mr. Lucas.

This is right up your street.

What's he like? Well, he's so... I'm 60ish, baldish, fattish, and I limp.

Oh.

Oh, it's a girl.

What did you expect?

Ready, Mr. Granger?

Stand by.

Stand by, Ledley.

Head. Head. Seven and a half. Seven and a half. Neck. Neck.

Sixteen. Sixteen. Chest.

Chest. Forty -two. Forty -two. Waist. Waist. Forty -two. Forty -two.

Hips. Hips. Forty -two. Forty -two.

Inside leg. Inside leg. 31.

Sport. Shall we serve again with new balls?

Are you going to be much longer?

I think I've got it right now, sir. Now, I've designed a very simple programme.

He will raise his hat and do a courtly bow, and she will nod to show her

appreciation. And if all that works, I shall programme them to do a little

together. This should be good. We worked very, very hard on this one.

Would you like to do it, sir?

Perhaps Mrs Snookum would like the honour.

Oh, I'm not very good with mechanical things. Though I did once hit the

on the pier at Blackpool.

Did you? I once hit the jackpot under the pier at Blackpool.

Mr. Herman. Now, just press button one for the hat -raising, two for the bow,

and four for the nod to show appreciation.

Well, I feel just like the Queen launching a big battleship.

Ah, happy days.

Here goes.

Right, Joe, I think you've got it right this time.

Sort of bit of rheumatism in the arm. It's the web that does it, you know.

Two for the bow.

She's showing everything else.

Here, I just remembered it wasn't Blackpool, it was Yarmouth.

I'm putting on my top hat.

Tying up my white tie.

Answering my mail.

Rumbled here.

How's dancing?

Oh, going very well, Mr. Grace.

We're just getting ready for the dress rehearsal.

Oh, good.

I'll come down. I'm on my way.

I don't think we'll actually be ready for another ten minutes, sir.

Don't worry about that. It'll take me as long as that to get to the lift.

there's been some slight mistake over my dress suit.

What's my name?

Would you believe Stan Laurel?

Ready, Captain Peacock.

I'm just complaining about my suit, sir.

Oh, don't fuss, Peacock. It'll be put right in the morning.

We've almost got one or two adjustments to be made.

In my case, they'll need to build an annex.

Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

Mr. Granger, you look very smart. Thank you very much. I feel quite romantic.

Well, the clothes should be all right. I understand they're bankrupt stock from

a theatrical costumier. Ah, then this is Stan Laurel's.

I've got the name Michael Wilding in mind.

I think they must have let it out a bit.

Fooky about this suit, you know. The pockets are full of birdseed.

And this hat smells like it's had a rabbit sleeping in it.

Don't exaggerate, Mr Lucas. I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation.

You're quite right, Mr Rumbold. A rabbit has been sleeping in it.

It's my own. I wore this when I won the Golden Pumps for the Gay Gordon.

It's a good light up in the dark.

Let it out in the front.

What's that bolt in your pocket?

It's a chicken.

Oh, ask a silly question.

Hey!

Go on, hold your hand out. It's going to lay an egg.

Come along now. We just need Mrs. Slocum and then we can start.

I need your assistance.

It's all right, Mr. Granger.

Allow me.

Oh,

that journey up the stairs. I'm put out.

I've got a chair for you, Mrs. Sloan. Oh, thank you so much, Miss Brock.

Mrs. Slocum.

We'd better get on our feet. Young Mr. Grace will be down in a minute.

What's he going to see first?

Well, if you don't get up, no hands, two knees and a lot of bumps a day.

I'd just come to see

if... if you're good enough to go in for the competition.

Oh, yes. Come and sit down over here. That's all right. And we'll show you the

freestyle formation first, I think, sir. Now, line up, everybody.

May I ask you a question?

Of course, sir.

Is your head getting bigger, Peter?

No, sir. It's an optical illusion created by my fat.

Are you ready, Mr. Rumbold?

Ready.

Over to you, Mr. Humphreys.

One, two, three, four.

you think, sir? Well, it was the shambles.

Those two at the end there.

They're from here, sir. They're the automated display units.

I see. Well, order four more and send your silly lot home.

Thank you.