Original subtitles

for perfumery, stationery and leather goods, waste and haberdashery,

and food.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

I bet you was wondering whether Father Christmas got your note up the chimney,

eh?

Dear Santa, please fill my stocking up with something I can play with.

But don't make it a... As long as it's not the wife's leg.

Mr Bash, I am earlier than normal because Mr Rumbold has called a very

meeting about the Christmas sales drive.

Oh, yeah?

So, would you mind setting up the table and chairs in the centre of the floor

and getting some coffee?

Yes, I would mind. It ain't my job.

That militant attitude is not part of the Christmas spirit.

And what is more, I shall be reporting you to the head of your union.

Oi.

I am the head of my union.

And I'm not going to alter my intransigent attitude under any

for bribes, under.

50p. You like cream in yours, don't you, Captain?

Let the blood come back to your head before you move on.

I'll be all right, I'll be all right.

Mr. Rooker's unwell.

He's got a terrible hangover, Captain Peacock.

due to a pre -Christmas celebration with a young lady.

It was the sudden change in altitude coming up in the lift that brought it on

again. He went as white as a sheet, so I had to put my arm round it.

Now, that was the reason I went as white as a sheet.

You knew we had an important conference this morning. You should have gone to

bed early.

Oh, I did, Captain Peacock. I went to bed early. Then I woke up at five o

and thought, hello, I've got an important conference this morning. So I

and went straight home.

if not in spirit.

Ooh, plenty of spirit, lad.

Good morning, friends.

I'm sorry it's such an early call.

You're lucky to have me at all.

I don't know, looking like that, I'm not too sure.

What have you got under there? Spare cheese rolls?

I didn't have any time for any breakfast.

I have ordered coffee.

Not ordered, Captain.

Requested. There is a subtle difference, you know.

Incidentally, is Mr.

Granger and Mrs. Logan, are they coming to this top -level chat of yours?

Of course, Mr. Bashner. Hurry along.

I don't think Mrs. Slocum will be.

And why not?

Well, she ran me this morning in a terrible state.

Her butt -root's on strike and she can't find her umbrella.

What has not finding her umbrella got to do with her not getting here?

Well, she's got to walk a mile to the station, hasn't she? And in the rain,

she's afraid in case their rinks run.

In case I'd better cancel her coffee.

No, no, no. Mrs. Slocum is a resourceful woman.

If anyone can think of a way of getting here, she will.

I'm not surprised.

Blimey, you must have frightened a few people riding your broomstick silhouette

against the moon.

What are you talking about?

I got a lift in a friend's car, so I took the opportunity of bringing this

It's a present for Christmas for a gardening friend of mine.

Only... I propped it up against the auger and the bristles bent with the

just cheap Japanese mokua was too keen.

It's disgusting what rubbish some firms are selling these days.

You should have reported them to the Consumer Council or whatever they call

Where did you get it?

Here in Harvard.

And I hope we're not going to be late tonight because I've left Winston

to the curtain rail. He refuses to come down. The mere sight of my pussy drives

him mad.

the lodger?

No, no, no, no. He's my canary.

He got out when I was changing his sandpaper.

Well, I think we'd all better sit down.

Mr. Humphreys, Mr. Lucas, Miss Brown, sit down, please. What about Mr.

Never mind old Granger. Where's Mr. Rumpold?

Oh, I don't think he's arrived yet.

Typical of old Jaggers. Gets us here at the crack of dawn and doesn't bother to

turn up himself.

It was quite a gale blowing when I left this morning.

Perhaps every time he turned to say goodbye to his wife, the wind caught him

behind his ears and blew him in again.

I must go and phone his office in case he's already in. I was worried about

getting here on time today, you know.

And I couldn't put in an alarm call because I've been tossed for a week.

What's that?

TOS. T -O -S.

Temporarily out of service.

Could you have it fixed? Yeah, as soon as I pay the bill.

Crown everything.

My striker on the alarm clock's gone on strike. All it does is buzz.

So there I was with it clutched in my hand by my ear and I couldn't get to

for the ticking.

Anyway. Here we are then.

Refreshments for the troops.

Courtesy of Captain Peacock. On the contrary there. Ten pence each.

I thought it was too good to be true.

Now, where was I in my story? You were lying in bed with it ticking in your

My alarm clock doesn't work.

It's probably your pinger, you know.

Well, what happened?

Well, there I was, you see, lying there, worried about going to sleep, and I

dozed off, and I dreamt I was winding it up. Woke up wet through.

Desperation? No, I didn't screw up the top of my hot water bottle.

Can I have your attention, please?

As Mr Rumbold is obviously unavoidably detained, I think I should take over.

Now, quite simply, what we're looking for is ideas to push Christmas sales on

this floor.

Now, has anybody come up with anything?

No, I haven't come up with anything. Mind you, it was touch and go when I saw

Mr. Bram's cheese roll.

Mrs. Slocum, as head of the ladies' section, you must have some ideas.

Well, I've been thinking about this.

And I think we should have lots of trimmings, something to make people sit

and take notice.

Give us the real Christmas spirit. You know, snow round the display stands,

mistletoe in the fur muff, a sprig of holly in the underwear.

If that doesn't make people sit up and take notice, nothing will.

I've got an idea. Why don't we give away kisses to the gentlemen customers?

He was talking about the ladies' department, not ours.

I meant that.

I'm not quite with you, Mr Humphries. Well, when a gentleman comes in to buy

something for his wife, Miss Brahms could give away a free kiss with every

purchase over ten pounds.

Mr Humphries, are you suggesting that I also should do that?

No, we'd make a reduction in your case.

Mr Lucas, will you keep your mouth shut? I will if you will.

I do hope I'm not too late.

I'm afraid Mrs.

Granger failed to rouse me this morning.

Oh, that's understandable, Mr. Granger.

And I'll just do a recap on the ideas so far.

I shouldn't bother.

What we're looking for is something to attract people of all ages.

And what we must bear in mind is that when people come shopping in a store

ours, they bring their children.

Now, if we could perhaps think of something to occupy them while their

browse around.

What a good idea.

I dislike children intensely.

Dusty, noisy things.

Children should be seen and not heard.

Preferably not seen.

I trust you will not give vent to those feelings in front of our customers?

Of course I shall not.

When they come into the store with their offspring, I shall give them my usual

warm, welcoming smile.

I'm lost in the mouth, screaming.

Let me put a point to you. Now, Mrs. Locum, let us say that you are a

you have a child with you, and you're on your way up in the lift. Now, the doors

happen to open on this floor.

Now, what sight would attract your attention and make you stop here?

Her husband buying his girlfriend a present.

Mr. Lucas, if you interrupt just once more... Yeah, I know. You'll send me

I wish you had stayed there.

I know what'll attract the mother and child to this floor. Why don't we have

someone dressed up as Father Christmas beckoning to the little boy?

Who are you suggesting, Mr. Humphreys?

Well, someone not too young, which rules out Mr. Lucas and myself.

And someone not too old. Which rules out Mr Granger. And someone with a kindly

face. Which rules out Captain Peacock.

So it's between Mrs Slocum and Miss Brand, really, isn't it?

Well, we could easily hire a Father Christmas.

Oh, Mrs Slocum, I think a Father Christmas is rather old hat these days.

Well, it wasn't my idea.

What about having a reindeer and a little fledge on wheels to take the

up to the counter?

And where are we going to get a reindeer from? Well, I wasn't meaning a real

one, was I? I mean, you know, one of those skinned like a pantomime horse.

Oh, yes, and who's going to get into that? Well, you could get in the front,

could get in the back.

Not likely, I'd get hydrophobia.

You mean claustrophobia, dear.

Hydrophobia is when you get bitten by a mad dog.

For them in there, she'd probably get bald.

Could we try to be a little more practical, please? Well, why don't we

glee club?

You know, every... Every time the lift doors open, we all burst into a carol

like Good King Wenceslas.

I am not going to sing Good King Wenceslas.

Now, we'd make an exception in your case, Mr Granger.

You could sing All I Want for Christmas Is Me Two Front Teeth.

You can't burst into a song every time the lift opens. Oh, what a pity. I was

looking forward to being a count to ten.

Morning,

everybody. Morning, Mr Rockwell.

Yes, I'm sorry I'm late.

I see you've already started.

Yes, we did have a few ideas, but nothing concrete has emerged except the

festive decorations.

Well, it would be pleased to hear that the matter has been resolved by young

Grace, who telephoned me this morning just as I was leaving home, which is why

was late. A likely story.

It seems that he has purchased a number of novelty costumes and that it would be

an amusing gimmick if the members of staff were to wear them over the

period.

What sort of costumes?

Well, I understand that they're characters from nursery rhymes and fairy

Oh, I like it, I like it.

Well, I don't. I mean, we're not a children's department.

Yes, that's true, but we're all children at heart.

It helps to take the hard, brittle, commercial edge off Christmas.

Besides, I can assure you that no other store in London is doing it.

I can believe that.

I am certainly not a child at heart.

Well, you could dress up as Scrooge.

Now, each department is going to have a sort of grotto effect over the counters.

Yours will be built during the lunch hour.

I trust I'm not being included in this charade?

Of course you are.

Even I have been requested to enter into the spirit of things and let my hair

down. Well, you're lucky you can come as you are.

Thank you so much. Good morning.

What time is it?

Oh, 12 .35.

Oh, I'm starving. You should listen to my stomach.

I have been.

It was ridiculous. Ridiculous bringing us in at that time this morning.

Still, there's one consolation.

Our department has its Christmas lunch today.

But it's ages to Christmas.

Ah, well, you see, last year they found they couldn't cope with all the store at

once. So this year they've decided to stagger us.

Oh. Yes, they got the idea when they saw you staggering last year.

Don't be cheeky, Mr Mash.

What's that?

Now this, this here, is the new pointer display model for these everlasting

types. It's got a little motor in the base and it plays a lovely drop of

music. Now listen to this.

Well, hey!

It does that every few minutes.

I think it's awful.

Where did you get it from?

Ah, well, it started out in the sports department with a soccer boot on the

It did, but after it kicked a couple of footballs through the window, of course,

it was relegated.

Well, it's going to be relegated again.

Oh, yeah?

Captain Peacock, are you free?

No, Mrs. Larkham.

Now, if you're free, Captain Peacock, I wish to complain about the tight display

model. It's too late to complain. I've already approved it with Mr Rumble.

it's not staying in my department.

Even if I have to moon it myself.

Kindly leave it where it is, Mrs Slocum.

And that is an order.

Get behind your counter.

Excuse me, Captain Peacock. Would you mind initiating this bill?

Certainly.

What a lovely tune that is. Mr Granger and I were arguing as to what valley it

came from.

Yeah, it's a bit of a milieu, and I think it's Tchaikovsky.

You're right, Mr Granger, it's the Nutcracker Suite.

Oh, this is interesting.

And look, we've all got hats.

Now, come on, everybody.

Oh, no, no, no, Mr Lucas, you mustn't sit there.

Captain Peacock is joining us today, and I think that he should sit at the head

of the table.

Oh, that will be an honour.

Now, you know, they get bigger every year.

Don't be so personal.

I was referring to the crackers.

I wonder what I've got in mind.

You mustn't pull it till after the pod.

I can't get over not having to queue up.

Yes, it's nice to be waited on once a year.

May I wish you a rather premature happy Christmas and offer this wine as my

contribution to the gala. Oh, that's very kind of you, Stephen.

Has anyone got a corkscrew?

That won't be necessary. You just unscrew it.

Don't forget your hat.

Don't be aware if I must.

White wine's my favourite.

Fin Blanc Coupe.

Whereabouts is Coupe? That's co -op.

What tickets?

Well, for the Christmas lunch. Didn't you see the notice on the board?

No. Well, you'd better buy one now.

He can't. All entities close to this table, from the pound to fours, have

got five portions allotted.

Well, what am I going to have, then?

Oh, pot, shepherd's pie, halibut. I'll have halibut with Ollie in it.

Oh,

sir, that's marvellous. That is, isn't it?

I don't seem to have any turkey.

I think the bird... I think the bird is just coming.

Well, now, this is always an exciting moment.

Oh, I hope mine's going to be bigger than that.

I rather suspect this is for all of us, sir.

That's never turkey. It's more like an emaciated budgie.

Has anybody any preference?

Yes, I'll have it.

I like a little white meat and not too much stuffing. It gives me indigestion.

I've got indigestion just looking at it.

I'll serve the ladies first. Mrs. Slocum? I'll have a wing and a slice of

Seems to be putting up quite a fight.

I think it's the knife that's blunt.

Ah, there we are.

Do you require stuffing, Mrs. Slocum?

the swing, then?

Just a spoonful.

Mr. Humphreys, would you like to dispense the wine? Mr.

Granger?

Not too much.

I tend to doze off if I have it at lunchtime. Yeah, same here, Mr. Granger.

Quite lively, isn't it?

I've given you a bit of everything. I hope that's all right.

White meat for Mr. Granger?

Thank you.

I ought to write to Evelyn Holmes.

This one, look, it's not been plucked properly.

Oh, it's put me right off.

Oh, Miss Lyle Lover.

You should have had the alibi. It's quite nice, really.

I can't get my fork into mine.

Leg or partner's nose, Mr Humphreys? Neither, thank you. I'm just going to

with my sprouts.

I think I'll call it a day.

I hope you've left enough room for the pudding.

Ah, now that's what I was looking forward to.

Now, miss, what about the brandy to pour over it? The other waitress is bringing

you a bottle.

Oh, that sounds more like it.

I must say, a flaming pudding just adds the final touch to Christmas.

Yes, and let's hope it's better than a flaming turkey.

The compliments are great, brothers.

Oh, look, no, it's...

lost weekend all over again.

Well, I suppose it's a gesture.

Shall I do the honours? Oh, yes, and do hurry up. I'm still coming.

I'm very curious.

Hey, what's wrong with that brandy? Perhaps it's got soaked up by a current.

Happy Christmas, all.

Try to warm the pudding, Captain.

I'm trying to light the brandy.

Ah, well, what you want is a drop of this, mate, isn't it?

What's that, Mr...? It's pure wood alcohol, that.

Where did you get it from?

Oh, maintenance.

We use it for stripping varnish.

Don't you think our pudding tastes funny?

No, no, that's 97 % proof, that is.

It's completely tasteless and it won't leave a trace.

left a trace.

Sorry, sorry, Captain.

Doesn't usually do that.

Still, I'll remember next year, next Christmas, to use less.

Well, this has been a lovely lunch.

Do you think we could stand the excitement of pulling our crackers?

Oh, yes, let's try and get some fun out of it. Well, Captain Peacock, as heads

of department, I think we could...

buy a ticket, did you?

Well, I mean, I feel such a fool sitting here looking normal.

Didn't you smoke a tea?

Do I look a fright?

I think it's an improvement, actually.

You know, I should have had these when I was tackling that turkey.

Oh, I like your lips, Mr. Humphreys.

Climb upon my knees.

Oh,

doesn't Mr. Granger look funny?

He reminds me of somebody.

I know exactly who.

Mr. Rumbold. Exactly.

Even down to the bald head.

On the contrary, Captain Peacock, I do not think you can be in any way

whatsoever.

No, of course not, Mr. Rumbold.

You must excuse us.

I am afraid that the whole occasion just overcame us.

Can we have a little more decorum, please?

I've come to inform you that maintenance have finished their work on your

department. Oh, good. Oh, here's young Mr. Grace.

Good afternoon, everybody. Don't get up.

Enjoy your lunch.

Well up to the usual standard, Mr. Grace.

One has to push the boat out occasionally.

Pretty it was the Maori Celeste.

When you've finished, I want you all to go up to the boardroom and...

Choose your novelty costumes.

I feel sure they'll prove a great attraction and really pull the public

doubt of it at all, Mr... Well, now, carry on, everybody.

I'll see you later, Mr Rambone.

How's it going, Mr Mash?

Mr Mash?

Almost finished, sir. If you could just give us a moment.

Well, do hurry up. They're on their way down.

Certainly, sir.

Rumpelstiltskin says get a flaming move on.

Let me see, sir.

It's very hot inside this snowman.

Never mind. The effect is excellent.

We're lucky.

Well, honestly, I look all right now and that.

I'm sure none of us is actually overjoyed by this charade, Miss Brown.

I am going to work on an egg, but this is ridiculous.

Well, I hope nobody expects me to sit on a case.

to have this funny quiver round the back.

You've always had a funny quiver round the back.

Well, Topper, I'll break your other leg.

I see you're not bothering to dress up

then, Mr. Humphrey.

On my way from the enchanted boardroom, I found this slipper of the stairs.

I wonder whose dainty particle fit.

Hey, that's mine. It belongs to me on the foot.

the hop tonight.

I really must congratulate you all on the way you've entered into the spirit

things. Well, I haven't and I still think it's stupid.

Quiet! Ready when you are.

God, blimey.

I bet Walt Disney's turning in his grave.

I object to looking like a boiled egg.

Shall I unveil the magic enchanted land what we've knocked up?

Yes, sir. Please do.

I bet it's a cheap load of rubbish.

All right, lads.

Go on, Ed. What do you think that is?

There we go.

Oh, it's lovely.

It's pretty.

It's the gingerbread house.

And now for the gents. They decorated that as well.

All right, lads.

Oh, isn't that marvellous? Yes.

Takes me back to the days when I was a little boy and I was taken to my first

pantomime. Speaking as a snowman, I'm beginning to feel more at home now.

Holly, mistletoe, big fir trees, and once again a splendid reason to

celebrate the festive season.

Christmas time is here.

I've knocked up a land enchanted, Christmas trees freshly planted, and the

reason for my smile.

The overtime made it worthwhile.

I, although a senior member, get laid headed in November.

That's why he's dressed up as an egg. And I've lost half my inside leg.

Speaking on behalf of blouses, it's rather draughty round the houses.

That must be why I saw you shiver. You should have worn a bigger quiver.

I after all must be a sport.

I trust I shall be taken short. No glass of water for Mr Granger.

It looks so charming.

Here's a bottle. Let's get blotto.