Original subtitles

perfumery, stationery and leather goods, sweets and haberdashery, kitchenware

and food going off.

First floor, telephones, gents' ready -made suits, shirts, socks, tie pads,

underwear and shoes going off. Oh, blimey, it's coming down in buckets out

there. Good Lord.

It's me shower cap. I couldn't find the umbrella.

You didn't walk through the streets in that, did you? Of course not. I came on

the bus.

I didn't want to get me hair wet. You see, I had it in curlers last night,

for the wedding tomorrow.

The wedding?

Roger asked me last week.

That's a bit sudden, isn't it?

Shouldn't you try living together, to be sure?

Yes, ma 'am.

Oh. Not more water.

Yeah, and it works and all.

Hey, look at that.

Boy, I... babbling brook.

That's all for clothes she took.

That's where I fell in love with you.

Don't tell me it's a model of a French gent's portable loo.

No, it's not.

Get your foot off my pipe.

That's typical, isn't it? It's pouring with rain outside, the customers come in

and it's still pouring with rain.

Whose stupid idea was that?

Good morning.

What do you think of my idea of having a fountain in the department?

Brilliant, sir. Yes, I was just saying so to Mr Humphreys, wasn't I? Yes, he

just said what a brilliant idea it is to have a fountain in here.

Make people feel at home when they come in out the rain.

I hope you're going to hide this hosepipe, Mr Mash.

Oh, yes, certainly, Mr Rumble. And for that very purpose, sir, I've got out the

Grace Brothers red carpet. You know, the one we keep in case Her Majesty drops

in to buy Philip a new pair of Y -fronts.

Much better.

Ooh, isn't it soft underfoot?

Must be lovely being a queen.

Here, don't... Don't keep doing that, Mr Humphreys. It makes me want to go.

Well, don't go just yet, cos I've got to put the goldfish in now.

Go on, my little red devils, get used to going round. Go on. All we need is the

canteen cat now. It'll be just like Longleat.

The White Hunter.

Good morning, Captain Peacock.

I must say, it's not like you to be late.

It's not easy getting a taxi in the rain.

No, especially when you come on the tube.

I obviously did not come on the tube. There was a breakdown.

I had to get a cab.

Ah, yes. Well, it's all right, Captain Peacock. I accept your excuse.

Don't be insolent, Mr. Lucas.

I don't have to explain to anybody why I'm late.

Why are you late, Captain Peacock? The train broke down and he couldn't get

himself a taxi.

If I didn't ask you, Mr. Lucas, I'm sure Captain Peacock has a far more original

excuse than that.

Have I alarmed not failed you, officer?

No, he hasn't. I just came in to remind you that tonight is suggestion box

night. We're having a meeting, so if any of you have any suggestions, bring them

along and they'll be welcome.

Well, I've got one. Why can't we hold this meeting in the firm's time instead

our own?

That suggestion will not be welcome, Mr. Lucas.

and bow on it.

I'm sorry I'm late, but I couldn't get on the tube and I couldn't get a taxi.

You'll have to do better than that.

Sounds a very valid excuse to me.

In that case, it's mine and all.

It's a wonder I'm here at all, you know.

My pussy got soaking wet.

I had to dry it out in front of the fire before I left.

Oh, heck, haven't we got enough water?

It's from gardening. They're trying to shift them.

and sell them as fire sprinklers.

Whoa!

It's a goldfish.

Hup!

All we need now is a few chips.

They spawn on the fourth floor, you see, and they're trying to get back there.

Unless they take the lift, they're not going to make it.

Oh, I can't stand the sight of running water.

It always makes me wet.

and it's gone to hide under that plastic box.

Poor things.

Oh, it's no good. There's that fountain.

I can't hold on.

Where are you going, Mrs. Slocum? I can't tell you now.

Well, it certainly does. I've got to go as well.

Excuse me, Captain Peacock, could I be excused? We can't have too many people

off the floor at once. You'll have to wait.

But Mrs. Slocum's from the ladies' department.

I was referring to Mr. Granger, who's not here yet.

Do you mean to say I've got to wait till Mr Granger arrives?

That is correct.

Well, what happens if he doesn't come in at all? You'll have to use the

fountain.

It's just a matter of self -control.

Are you being turned?

No, I wondered if you could help me. You see, I've had this trouble for...

Years, I... Thank you very much.

Hold on much longer.

I may be able to help you.

How do you mean?

Close your eyes.

What are you going to do?

Trust me.

Stick your fingers in your ears.

It's all right.

It's all right. It's gone now. You can open them. How did you manage it? I just

put a bit of pressure on him.

So what happened?

Well, there I was, stranded in this pub.

And it was pouring with rain, so this man offered me a lift in his car.

Did you accept?

Well, beggars can't be choosers.

And it's 15p on the bus, you know.

So I said, all right.

Did you know him?

Well, he'd sent a couple of port and lemons down the bar and smiled.

So I felt I did.

What happened then?

Well, he held me off the stool.

And when we got outside, he held his coat over me head.

Didn't he like the look of your face?

To keep me hair dry.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, when we stopped, we weren't outside my house

at all.

Where were you? Outside his place, miles away.

No. Yes.

Anyway, he said, would I like to go in for a nightcap?

Well, it seemed harmless enough. It wasn't until he actually produced one

nightie to match the story along.

Did you ask him to take you straight home?

Yes.

Eventually.

Thank you very much, sir. Don't worry about the sleeves. You'll find they'll

ride up with wear. Thank you very much.

Look, what I can't understand is how he came to pick you as the best man. Oh,

I've known him for years.

We both tried to join the Royal Marines together.

We were both turned down for the same reason.

Slut feet.

I'm not going to get married for a bit. I'm going to play the field.

My mother said that to me, so I joined a rugby club.

I think these two are getting married for quite the wrong reasons, you know. I

mean, it's so easy to get carried away with beautiful blue eyes, perfect teeth,

Bridget Bardot mouth, long, blonde hair.

Oh, she sounds quite a dish.

That's Roger.

Good morning, Mr Granger.

Who predicted this idea with that monstrosity?

Captain Peacock.

I might have guessed.

That's stupid if you ask me.

We didn't ask you, Mr Granger.

Good morning.

Or should it be afternoon?

I'm sorry I'm late.

Well, I hope you have a very good excuse, which I'm waiting to hear.

My alarm failed to go off. You have a very good excuse, Mr Granger.

Let me take your coat. Thank you, sir. Well, I think we'll have this thing off

for a while.

You'll frighten a fish leaning over it like that.

Told you so.

What did you turn it off for, anyway?

Well, it's not having quite the effect I anticipated.

What's that, Mr Bass? Oh, it's this bay unit for Mr Granger, sir. It should have

been in position before we started.

Well, I was busy with that fountain, weren't I? I mean, that was your lousy

in the first place. It was not a lousy idea.

Well, why did you turn it off, then?

Well, perhaps the fountain part isn't quite right.

Well, take that away, and what have you got, eh? A tub full of water stuck in

the middle of the floor?

Hardly called that a brilliant idea.

Mr. Mash, some Monday opposition here.

Oh, of course, Captain Peacock.

I'm sorry, sir.

Shall I get down on my hands and knees and crawl over to Mr. Granger, shall I?

No, no, just get on with what you were here to do.

Captain Peacock, would you stop chatting with Mr. Mash?

I'm waiting for my display tool.

Coming, Mr. Granger. Coming, sir.

Right away, sir.

I'm sorry I can't stop chatting to you, Stephen. I've got work to do.

One display unit, Mr Grazer.

Grace Brothers proudly present the cami shirt.

I've been waiting for this.

Well, what is it?

It's a cami shirt to prevent excess rise of shirt tail.

Absolutely invaluable if you're show jumping.

And guaranteed to stop this happening.

I think this should boost our sales, don't you, Mr Humphrey?

I don't know.

Either that or it'll knock the bottom out of it.

Well, it's certainly going to attract attention.

I thought we'd cured it of that, Mr Granger. I'll get it fixed up.

I think you'd better.

Thank you, Mr Humphreys. Thank you.

Mr Mash?

Mrs Slocum?

Mr Mash, Captain Peacock has repeatedly told you that you are not to be on the

floor after opening, and now I am adding my voice to his.

Oh, yeah? Well, I've only got one thing to say to you, Mrs Slocum. I don't want

to hear another word.

All right, then.

Mrs. Logan.

And after all, may I remind you that this meeting is for our mutual benefit.

Any ideas that spring out of it that increase sales mean increase commission.

I'm sorry, I'm late. I was trying to find the aspirin.

Then I couldn't find the suggestion box.

Here, on the table, sir.

What idiot took it off the wall?

I did, sir.

That was a stupid thing to do.

Captain Peacock's request.

I thought it might save time, sir.

Well, it hasn't, has it?

Oh, for goodness sake, let's get on with it.

Yes, well, now, may I remind you that this meeting is for our mutual benefit.

Any ideas that spring out of it? I have been through that, sir.

Oh, well, perhaps you'd like to open the box. Or will you take the money?

Well, where's the key?

Isn't it in the lock?

I would hardly ask that if it were.

Well, where is it?

I just asked that.

Well, there's something in here.

It's probably the key.

He's dropped off to sleep again.

Wake him up.

There's no point in waking him up till we've opened the box.

It's without the key.

I'll tell you what, we could take the box down to the x -ray machine they've

in the shoe -fitting department.

And then they'd be able to see what's inside the box.

I have a much better idea.

What's that?

Come in, the door's open.

It's under the mat.

Back to me. Give it here.

Oh,

well done, Miss Grant.

Blimey, I wouldn't like to have ridden off to the Crusades leaving you behind.

You'd have been out of your chastity belt before I got to Dover.

Don't worry, I'll be back into it as soon as you've got home.

Captain Peacock, perhaps you'd like to see what we've got.

Certainly, sir.

It appears to be a piece of pork pie.

I wondered what had happened.

This one is unsigned and suggests that you do something physically impossible

with a suggestion.

Increased sales would be obtained if the whole floor was devoted to menswear.

Signed, E. Granger.

I don't think I need comment.

This one is for Mrs. Slocum.

Dear sir, Sales in the ladies' section could and would be improved by the

removal of the men's trousers and underwear.

I totally disagree and protest most strongly.

I think we must all accept that both the ladies' and the gents' departments are

here to stay and that it's our job to boost sales in both sections.

Is there anything else?

Yes, this one appears to be in verse.

If you're wanting to sell ladies' knickers, here's a gimmick that's

with fun.

Get Miss Brahms to wear the very brief pair and we all have a look at her one

by one.

It's unsigned, but in Mr. Lucas's handwriting.

It's a forgery.

Some people's minds.

Then there's a bus ticket and a drawing of a Toby jug with your name on it.

That's very good. That's a very good likeness, that.

One of your best, Mr Granger.

I'll take it on with it, shall we? Now, have we any suggestions as to how to

improve the image?

We could try making the ears a bit bigger.

The image of grace, brother.

Lucas, this is a serious discussion.

You could have fooled me. We haven't discussed anything yet.

Let's have the woman's point of view. I wondered when you were going to get

round to asking me.

Well, I think the whole place looks like it had come out of the ark.

It wants bringing up to date. I rather favour the Bieber look.

The what look?

The great Gatsby. You know, ostrich feathers, concealed lighting and

playing these foolish things.

A teething piano in the next department.

We could have those lovely big potted plants. You know, the ones with the big

leaves. You mean palms?

That's right.

The feel of the 20s. I'm very fond of a feel of the 20s.

What do you think?

Isn't that rather old -fashioned?

Well, let's take a vote on it. Hands up, all those who like the sound of it.

Yes, well, I like the sound of it, too. I'm rather surprised that you don't pick

on it. If you will allow me to finish my sentence, sir, isn't that rather old

-fashioned look really quite a good idea?

It just leaves Mr Granger dissenting.

He's not dissenting, he's scratching.

Oh, we could have those lovely 1920s frocks with all feathers and beads.

Oh, that would be nice.

Only for the ladies, of course.

I don't think we could afford to go that far.

But can't we have the potted palms?

I mean, they give the place so much atmosphere.

I doubt if we could afford those.

I think the concealed lighting's a good idea.

Yes, yes.

It does sound rather expensive.

We'll just have to see how far the budget will stretch.

In that case, it's all down to a jar of daffodils and a nightlight.

Couldn't we have the music? I mean, that puts everybody in such a good mood.

Oh, well, that's if we could afford the music, that is.

There's no problem over music. We can simply play a record over the

system. I've been trying to remember the tunes of that era.

What about Al Jolson?

You know, what was it?

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, my baby.

This would be very good for the shoe department.

What about I'll see you again whenever spring breaks through again?

Very good for bedding.

How about June is busting out all over for the bra department?

If you can't say something sensible, I suggest you leave your seniors to come

with the ideas.

I can mend your umbrella.

Pardon, Mr. Gray?

It's a song.

It's a

song.

Bing Crosby, I think.

We sell umbrellas, we don't repair them.

No, I know, but it would help to draw attention to them. I think the

the music is intended to be background, you see, and is not necessarily

pertinent to any particular article.

Yes, exactly.

And the records rather depend on what they're trying to push in the music

department.

Well, knowing our music department, it'll be Cavan O 'Connor and Revenal and

Webb.

I've listened to what's being said, and I like what I've heard.

You know what always makes me buy things in those big supermarkets?

It's when the plain music, and then the music stops, and suddenly you hear,

bing! But I said, beaten trot!

But nobody would listen.

I mean a bell that goes bing, and then you get a deep voice saying, frozen

foods, peas are down today.

It's a very good idea, that. I could just see that now.

Bing! This is the ladies' department.

Knickers are down today.

They'll all get killed in the rush.

A one -track mind.

I think the idea has possibilities.

We could have a voice to draw attention to lines on special offer. Oh, but I'm

not entirely sold on being.

I think something rather deeper, like bong.

How about dog?

As long as we don't have a pong, and I think that...

I'm not getting away from the point, sir.

Yes, yes, I agree. The fact emerges that my idea of a recorded voice to push a

line is a good one.

And I suggest that we need the right sort of voice.

Oh, let's have that lovely Gordon Unnicone. What reads the news on the

Oh, I like Richard Baker.

He's got lovely eyes.

Do you know, I take more notice of the news when he reads it.

I don't think we could afford professionals.

Perhaps one of the staff could do it. Why not? Any volunteers?

It just needs a good, clear, commanding voice.

We could probably arrange a small fee.

I'll do it. Mine isn't clearer than yours.

As a matter of seniority, I think I should be given the first opportunity.

What was that, Mr Granger?

Never mind.

His aspirins don't seem to be doing any good at all. Perhaps you need an ice

pack. How about having a woman?

No, I think he's better to stick to the aspirin.

I need a female voice to do the announcement.

Yes, why not? After all, we women can speak just as well as what you men can.

And I shall favor a more impartial person.

Who are you thinking of? Me.

What about me?

And what about the two of us once more as well?

Only mainly me.

If my mother was here, there'd be no argument.

Tomorrow, I shall record all your voices in my office, and we'll let young Mr.

Grace decide.

Well, can we go on, then? Yes, yes. He's the most stimulating discussion.

Well, it hasn't stimulated him very much, has it?

Oh, give him a prod somebody.

No, no, no, no, it might startle him. Just chuck a sheet over him, then he'll

ready for the morning.

Are you free, Mr. Granger?

Yes, I'm free.

Oh, blow me up with a lark.

Good morning, Mr Mash.

It is a particularly crisp and clear morning, is it not?

Aye, George, he's got it.

Around the rugged rocks, the rugged rocks go round.

I'll bet you caught them and all, eh, Mr Humphreys?

Good morning, Mr Mash.

You sound as if you've got a mouthful of marbles, mate.

Well, I have.

My speech.

Oh, no.

What's up, then? I had four when I was on the bus. I've only got three.

Mother, me, me.

Oh, no, brown cow.

I'm just practising my vowels, Mrs. Clover. How about this?

I'm not a pheasant plucker. I'm a pheasant plucker's mate.

You're punctual. I ran all the way from the tube station.

Well, there was no need to do that.

Well, the awful man was following me.

Oh, you must have been imagining it. Why should anyone follow you?

Well, I don't know. I mean, we were on the train, and he was sitting there just

like you are, and I was strapped hanging like this, and he followed me off the

train.

Yes, well, perhaps you weren't imagining it after all.

Ah, Peacock, this is my new secretary, Miss Thorpe.

I thought I couldn't quite place the face.

Anyway, I'm sure you're going to be much better than the last girl. She hadn't

got much up top.

Don't you agree, Peacock? No comparison at all.

Quite, yes. Well, we're all ready for the test, sir.

They're all waiting outside.

Oh, good.

Well, I've got the tape recorder here. Who's first?

Me, sir.

Right, well, carry on. Perhaps you'd like to hold up the microphone for

Peacock, Mr. Thorpe.

Boing, or bong, or whichever one of those you prefer, sir.

Bing, I'm sorry, bong.

Welcome to Grace Brothers.

This is Captain Peacock speaking.

I won't use my name on the actual thing, sir. That's just to identify me when

Mr. Grace hears it.

Get on with it.

What?

I can't hear you, sir.

I didn't want my voice on the tape.

Would you like me to stand nearer to the microphone, sir? No, please.

Ready.

Is it on?

Yes, of course it's on.

It took two hours.

I wonder when they're going to pick.

Well, it's going home time soon.

Whoever it is, I hope they announce it quick.

How much longer is Mr Humphrey going to be tying on this morning suit?

I don't know, Mr Granger, but he made me take his inside leg four times before

he was satisfied.

Ah, here he comes now.

cannot see the join at all.

Do you know, it's lucky it's a Saturday wedding. I wouldn't have been able to

go.

Fancy you being a best man. Yes, it was a surprise to me.

A lot of competition.

Don't get that suit too tired. We shall expect him back on Monday.

You know, I think these sleeves are too long.

Oh, don't worry. They'll ride up with wear.

No need to lie to me. I work here.

Attention, everybody.

Mrs. Locum, Miss Brahms, Mr. Granger, over here, please.

Mr. Lucas, Mr. Humphreys.

You should have changed into that after the bell.

You're looking very smart this morning, Mr. Humphreys.

You're not getting married, are you?

No,

I thought not.

Approved of the use of background music.

A suggestion made by Mrs. Slocum.

And of the use of a recorded voice to push sales.

A suggestion also made by Mrs. Slocum. Thank you, Mrs. Slocum. Yes, thank you,

Mrs. Slocum.

Now, I've listened to all the voices, and you've all done very well.

Thank you, Mr. Price. Yes, it was a very difficult decision, but in the end

there was only... one voice that I really liked.

Goddard?

This is Mr. Grace speaking.

Welcome to Grace Brothers and the Feel of the Twenties.

There's quality goods in store on every single floor.

Well done, Mr. Grace. I like it. Yes, gloves, socks, trousers, shirt, ties,

underwear, commas, gloves, flannel bars.

Most popular.

Do you think, Mr. Humphrey? Oh, I do, Mr. Grant.

Suck it to it, Ginger.

Take me back to my bronze medal day.