Original subtitles

For perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

and food. Oh.

First floor, telephone, just ready -made food.

Captain Peacock?

Oh, I have Mr. Rambo for you.

There's no need for me to speak to him. Oh.

He doesn't want to speak to you.

Just tell him I want to see him.

Hello?

Oh, he's hung up.

Oh, dear. Well, get him again.

Just tell him he's wanted.

Hello, Captain Peacock.

Oh, I'm sorry. Would you tell him Mr Rumble wants him? Thank you.

Now, I need a file.

Oh, I think I've got one in here.

From the filing cabinet.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, see what that is, will you?

Mr Rumble's office.

He's Captain Peacock. Oh, dear. Well, ask him what he wants.

What do you want?

He wants to know what you want.

I want him in here, not on the phone.

Mr Rumble doesn't want you on the phone.

Oh. What is it?

He's hung up again.

I'm going to get very cross in a minute.

I hope it's nothing I've done.

No, no, well, let's try again, shall we? Try what?

Try to get Captain Peacock on the phone.

I thought you wanted him in here.

Oh, well, I'd better do it myself.

Hello, who is this?

What do you mean you can't guess?

I'm not asking you to guess who I am. I want to know who you are.

I see.

You won't tell me until I tell you.

It's hopeless, isn't it?

This is Mr.

Rumbold. I want to speak to Captain Peacock.

Well, will you find Captain Peacock and tell him he's wanted urgently on the

phone? Oh, thank you, sir. I'll take it here, if you don't mind.

Captain Peacock here. I understand you have an urgent telephone call for me.

It's me.

I'm sorry, sir. I understood you to say it was for me.

It was for you.

Well, I see no reason why I shouldn't take an urgent telephone call.

I mean, it might have been from my wife, my mother.

It was me phoning you.

What do you want, sir?

I wanted to speak to you urgently.

You only have to pick up the telephone.

Excuse me.

Well, what was it that you wanted to see me about?

I want you to advise the staff of the decoration programme.

Now, I have the details here.

Oh, Miss Thorpe, where's the maintenance file?

You mean the one marked decoration?

Yes. Oh, I filed it yesterday under A.

Under A?

Yes, I file most things under A.

I don't quite follow.

Well, A letter, A sales report, A customer service.

A difficult way of finding it.

Miss Thorpe, it's only temporary.

Have I done something wrong?

No, no, no, we'll talk about it later. Ah!

Here's the decorating file. Now, this goes under M.

I see. D goes under M.

Decorating comes under maintenance, and maintenance comes under M.

I think my system is much simpler.

It's certainly different. You must tell me more about it. Yes, I'm afraid I

can't stop now, because it's my coffee break. Excuse me.

Now, Captain Peacock.

Peacock! Sir.

Now, this is what I want you to explain to the staff. The decorators are coming

in tomorrow.

Yes, sir, I hate to interrupt you, sir, but if it's not all that urgent, I am a

minute into my coffee break. I hope you won't mind if I come back later, sir.

Oh, good morning, madam. Can I help you? I have a complaint, but I can't

remember who served me before.

Well, have you retained the receipt?

Because without it, we can't do anything.

Oh, yes, here it is.

I'm terrible at remembering faces.

Oh, yes, I... Yes, it was an older woman.

I am assistant 51.

That is my number.

Oh, do forgive me. I'm just so upset over my purchase.

One washable lady's wig.

Colour brown ash.

Four pounds fifty.

Well, now, what seems to be the trouble?

Well, after one wash, it's just dreadful. I look a fright in it.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Of course, you can't possibly go about like that. If you'd care to take it off,

I'll send it back to the factory.

Take it off?

This is my own hair.

That's a wig.

Just a moment, sir.

I've got a customer here who says he can't come in to be measured for a suit,

and could we send him one? What size and colour?

Can I have your size and colour, sir?

He's white, but he doesn't know his size.

Good morning,

sir. Oh, yes.

Yes. Have you got a tape measure there?

Ah, well, if you'll take the measurements, we'll write them down.

He's got a nice voice.

Right, sir. Yes.

Hold it between the thumb and forefinger of your left hand.

You hold the tape, sir.

Now, we'll do your chest first.

Right. Now, throw it round your back and let the tape run through the fingers of

your right hand.

Now, bring both ends together.

Breathe in.

Now out again.

Now, put your finger on the mark. What does it read?

Oh, I see. He can't read it. He's got his long -distance driving glasses on.

I wonder what he wears for driving short distances.

He's got his others, but he's had to drop the tape while he was doing it.

sir, we'll do something much easier.

Yes, we'll do your sleeve. Now, place the tape on the seam, on your shoulder

seam of your jacket.

Mm -hmm.

Are you? He's wearing a sweater.

Just put it where your shoulder finishes and your arm starts.

Oh, God, you're working well, you're working well.

Now, sir, stretch your arm out to its full extent and tell me what it reads at

your wrist.

Hello?

You're very faint, sir.

It's holding the phone in the hand we're measuring the arm with.

Sir, can you show...

Yes, you can. Yes, all right. Bring the phone back to your ear.

Now, what does it read?

Oh, good.

Six inches.

Just let it dangle down so we'll do it that way.

Yes.

Now, what does it read?

Yes. I see. Oh, good, we've got one. 48 inches.

That's from your hand to the floor.

He must be standing like that.

I told you I had a nice voice.

We'll take that as his outside leg, imagine. Now, while we're in that area,

we'll do your inside leg.

This should be fun.

You've got to be careful. You know it's an offence to make dirty phone calls.

Yes, I think you've gone far enough, Mr Humphries. I'll take it on. But this is

my customer, Mr Granger. What about my commission?

There will be no commission without a sale.

Good morning, sir.

This is Mr. Granger, the senior assistant speaking.

What colour suit had you in mind, sir?

Dark blue. Dark blue.

And what is your height, sir?

Five foot ten. Five foot ten. And what is your weight?

Eleven stone four.

Eleven stone four. That is all we need to know, sir. Think on it.

Send him a dark blue regular 44 and credit the sale to me. Yes,

Mr. Granger. What's the customer's address?

Oh!

Mr. Granger, are you free?

Yes, at the present.

I'd like a word with you.

Porter, Mr. Humphreys.

Mr. Lucas, center floor, please.

I think Captain Peacock's trying to attract our attention. He's waving his

about.

Well, if he wants me, he'll have to come across personally.

I do not respond to waves.

That man you met on your holiday.

Oh, that was different. He was waving from his yacht.

Didn't you see me signal to summon you?

Oh, was that what it was?

Oh, we thought you had a fly buzzing round your router.

I have an announcement to make.

Not here, over there.

Well, what difference does it make?

Because I have to tell the gentlemen.

Well, can't you tell us first?

No.

Well, tell them and then come back and tell us.

I have to tell everybody because it affects all of us.

Very well.

Come on.

Now then, Mr. Rumble has asked me to tell you that tomorrow the decorators

be coming in.

Is that it, then?

No.

But Mr. Grace can only afford to have one department decorated, so which shall

it be?

Could we see the decorator first before we make up our minds?

Well, I should be decorated because I've been here the longest.

My surfaces are cracking up something shocking. I could definitely do with

scraping down.

Why don't you try a face pack?

Captain Peacock.

Would you use your senior position to tell Mr. Lucas to shut his cake hole?

Lucas, you are not indispensable.

There are many young men who would bend over backwards to get into Grace

Brothers. That's one of the qualifications.

You nearly got me the sack, then.

You should have been put in one at birth.

Now, Mrs. Lucas, you are supposed to set an example.

You descend to his level by making remarks like that, you will only lose

If I had a face like hers, I'd be glad to lose it.

Won't we stop all this tittle -tattle and get down to who's going after it?

quite right, Mr. Granger. I think we ought to toss for it.

Oh, that seems the fairest way.

I have a 10p here. Shall I do it? No, no. I think I, as the senior person,

should do it better.

Now, I will toss and you call.

Heads.

Where is it? It rolled under the counter.

That's my coffee money.

I can see it. What does it say?

Well, if you give me a torch and a mirror, I'll tell you.

Never mind.

I'll toss.

Now, call.

Tails. Head.

Heads it is. Drat.

It's all right. I've got it out.

It's heads.

Ah, that's what I called first. We've won.

But I called heads and they're both heads, so we've won.

You didn't call at all the first time. Now, wait a minute. I know how to settle

this. Ah, let's toss for it.

Never mind.

My decision is final.

The ladies will be decorated.

Oh, thank you, Captain Peacock.

I could do with a few days off.

Oh, you may certainly have a few days off if you wish. Oh, good day.

Without pay, of course.

But it's not our fault we're being closed down.

But you're not.

You'll be temporarily accommodated in the gentleman's section.

What is this idea?

Are we expected to lose some of our limited...

Counter space?

Temporarily, yes.

I refuse.

Well, then, I'd do like a few days off without pay.

Welcome to the chair for Mr. Granger.

Good morning, Mrs. Tobin. Miss Brown.

Put your gear over there, will you?

I can't talk because I'm taking the workers. They're elevenses.

Elevenses? At five to nine?

Oh, yeah, well, the workers start at seven o 'clock, didn't they, eh?

And in an eight -hour day, that makes nine o 'clock their elevenses.

Well, at that rate, it means they'll be going home at three.

Oh, no, no, they'll go on till five, won't they? That'll cop the overtime.

We never get overtime.

Well, it's your fault for being middle class, isn't it, eh?

Redecorating? No, I don't mean that. I mean that woman.

She's taking down my white front.

You're not going to stand for that, are you, Mr. Granger?

I'll hold your coat while you wade in.

That's more like it.

Mrs. Slocum, I demand that you take down your underwear immediately.

That goes for Miss Brahms as well.

And what do you suggest I do with my displays?

Can I tell her, Mr. Granger?

You remove all this onto that counter and yourselves as well.

We'll see what Captain Peacock has to say.

Yes, and there he is now.

What do you want?

It's very quiet in there, Mr. Mesh.

Ah, yeah, well, it's a bit tricky at the moment, Captain Peacock. How do you

mean? The foreman's got ten pounds riding on three aces.

Captain Peacock, a word in your ear.

Yes? Mr. Granger is being most obstropulous.

He's going to squeeze me round the corner.

That's very unlike Mr. Granger.

No, no, no, no, no. I mean that he refuses to let us have enough room.

He's treating us just like squatters.

I'll have a word.

Mr. Granger, the ladies are complaining that they haven't got enough room.

No. And neither have we. There's three of us and only two of them.

Which is why they've got the small counter.

I cannot work when I'm constricted. Take your corsets off.

You're asking for such a belt round the ear hole.

May we have your ruling, Captain Peacock?

Well, uh... Oh, come on, Kissinger.

We'll just have a little corner to put a display up so the customers will know.

It is the thin end of the wedge.

Well, just a couple of feet.

One foot.

Oh. Well, that sounds very reasonable.

Very well.

I'll measure it, Mr. Granger. Oh, a triumph for diplomacy.

Oh, come on, Miss Brahms. Let's clear some space for ourselves.

Well done, Mr. Granger.

What's the matter? You've gone quite white. Oh, dear me.

Dear me, my, uh... My... My private drawer is behind there.

With a lot of very personal things in it.

Is that where you keep all your copies of the girly magazines?

Just look at all this rubbish.

Oh, it's a piece of pork pie.

Well, we know who that is, don't we?

Oh, look.

False teeth!

Will you kindly replace my teeth? That is my spare...

he wears those when he's asking for a ride.

I think we should sling the whole lot in the bin and then disinfect the drawer.

That is my personal drawer and everything in it is absolutely vital.

What's vital about a cross and an old ration book?

Oh, take a look. I've never seen one.

Leave my cross alone.

I meant the ration book.

All we want is the space, not your old rubbish.

Well, I'm going to take this.

and put it in some nookie where you can't find it.

Now then, where's our display busts? Oh, they're behind the curtain. I'll go and

get them.

Where are you going, Miss Brown?

Mrs. Floatman and I haven't got any busts.

Some people are never satisfied.

Well, that wouldn't be fine with you.

What do you think you're doing?

Miss Brahms has just been molested by one of the decorators. What a dirty old

man. No, it was the young, good -looking one. Oh, you mean that one that looks

like Tom Jones?

Yes, that's the one.

I'd like to see him do that to me.

He didn't do it to you too, did he?

No, he didn't. The one that looks like Steptoe got there first.

Round the bus.

We'll pinch one of the men.

You want to go and tell him to knock it off?

I will.

Mr Humphreys, are you free?

Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Will you take over for me?

I have to go and have a severe word with the decorators.

Captain Peacock, shall I take over for Mr Humphreys while Mr Humphreys takes

over from you?

Don't be facetious, Mr Lucas.

Surely it wasn't the one that looked like Tom Jones.

No, it was the one that looked like Larry Grayson.

This is the smallest we've got.

Yes, and it's the biggest one of these they've got.

But it looks terrible.

He does need a hormone injection.

Miss Brown, have you got any falsies?

Never needed them.

No, no, no, no, no. I mean in stock.

Oh, we're not going behind there again.

Oh, well, we'll just have to stuff them out with something.

Why don't you try a couple of tea cakes at the canteen?

You know, those with the cherries on top.

That's enough of that, thank you, Mr Lucas.

Oh, but if we could just borrow a couple of pairs of socks.

Mr Humphrey? Yes?

Mrs Slocum wants to know if she can borrow a couple of pairs of socks to

in her bra.

She's not going to talk to those workmen again, is she?

There's no stuff in the dummy.

Oh, I've got the very thing.

I was saving these to take home. I was going to use them tonight.

What were you going to do with a pair of falsies?

I wear them on my knees when I'm polishing the parking.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, we're looking for some sweaters.

I don't think you'll find them down there.

This way, sir. Mr.

Humphreys? Yes? Will you show this gentleman what you've got in a sweater?

Oh, yes. Quite a range in size 40, but precious little in anything else. Oh,

dear. I'm 38.

Oh, dear.

Shall I get out the 38s that have been incorrectly marked 40? What a good idea.

Excuse me. Oh, dear.

Excuse me.

Oh, what pretty colours. I like this.

Oh, yes, it's very you, sir, isn't it, Mr. Lucas? Oh, yes, I can't imagine you

in anything else, sir.

Do you have a ladies' cardigan to match? Yes, yes, we do. Just around the

corner.

Excuse me, darling.

Hurry back, darling.

Anything round the corner?

Well, be careful.

You'll have to excuse us. We're on our honeymoon.

Well, if it gets urgent, we've got a spare fitted room round the corner.

This is the first time we've been out. I can believe it.

I quite fancy it. I know, too.

He means the sweater. Oh, yes.

They're 8 .50, sir. Half man -made wool, half polyester fibre.

Surely that's man -made as well.

Ah, yes, but it's made by different men.

It's a bit harsh, isn't it? I don't think I'd fancy this next to my skin.

I can't resist cashmere. Ah, yes.

Cashmere. Very ideal for a romantic honeymoon cuddle, sir. Very cosy and

You're right. I always wear cashmere socks.

It's not quite so romantic somehow, though, is it?

Have you got cashmere in my thighs?

Thirty -eight cashmere coming up.

Excuse me.

Are all these sizes correct?

Oh, yes, sir. These 38s are even more 38s than those 38s.

Madly expensive.

Well, they're the last ones at this price. A sniff at 20 pounds.

Look, it's the same kind.

And it suits Madam beautifully.

I can't imagine her in anything else. Feel how smooth this is, darling.

Pashmere. Yes, but far too expensive, I'm afraid.

We've got to fit our flat out. We've only fitted out one room so far. The

bedroom. How did you get?

I'm sorry.

It does make you look so handsome, doesn't it? Does it?

Yes, makes you look practically young as well, sir.

And it's such a gay colour.

You've convinced me. I'll put one aside for myself.

But it's £20.

So is mine.

We can't afford both.

Well, you could camp out in the bedroom for a year.

I think I'll leave this behind and I'll buy you the sweater out of my money. No,

why use your own money? When you're married, they're supposed to fork out.

Birthday present for me. Oh, well, let him buy it himself.

Not quite the same, though, is it? You keep out of this.

Shall I or shan't I? Should I or shouldn't I? Is he or isn't he?

I don't know, but I think he'd help out if there was a rush.

I can't resist it. Oh, darling.

Sail, Mr. Lucas. No sail, Mrs. Logan.

Wrap it up before they start again.

Men.

I never want to work with men again.

I thought it was very mean of Mr. Granger not to lend you his pencil when

lost yours.

It was typical.

But never mind, I've got our own back.

You know how he always licks the end of his pencil before he makes out a bill?

Well, I substituted with one from the joke department, so when he licks the

this time, it'll go all fizzy.

Oh, Rose, that was very naughty.

when he licks it.

That's if he can see which end to lick.

Well, that's why they're not here.

They can't find his glasses.

How do you know?

They're in my handbag.

Look out.

Ignore them.

Straight on, straight on, straight on, Mr. Granger.

I am sure that I had them on the counter.

You should have a spare pair. I can't think what's happened to them.

I have my suspicions.

Pass the thoughts, Mr. Brown.

Oh, well done, Mr. Lucas.

Not much left.

Oh, dear me, no.

He did that deliberately.

Never mind. Pass me that full bottle on the next table.

Is there any coming out? I can't see.

Well, it's coming slowly.

We've got nearly another hour yet. Keep at it.

Oh, well.

I like a lot of sauce.

Hello, hello.

How's your happy little band tonight?

Well, we should be very happy when the ladies have gone.

The feeling is mutual.

It's a lumpy bit of tomato soup you've got there, isn't it?

Oh, they're so witty, aren't they?

Oh, it's right. Put me off.

I think I'll go and get myself a coffee.

I'll have a pudding.

That Mrs.

Slocum gets in my hair.

Metaphorically speaking, you mean.

Marjorie, you know, I think all... women have got a bit uppity, you know, since

Margaret Thatcher got in.

I mean, I was out with this girl last night. I took her back to her place. We

were just getting down to it when suddenly she slapped me wrist, told me I

out of order and I should leave the house.

No sense of humour.

I mean, look when you tickle Miss Bram up the leg with that feather duster, she

didn't even smile.

Now, I would have found that quite amusing.

You don't think we're being a bit hard on them, do you?

Well, it's not their fault they can't cope.

After all, they are women.

Do you think that we ought to offer an olive branch?

Or perhaps just a twig?

You may be right.

I'll try that then.

I'm going out to get some fresh air.

Yes, it is very stuffy in here.

Pass me the sugar, Miss Brown.

Allow me, Mrs Flocombe.

Thank you.

Do you have two lumps, Mrs Flocombe?

This isn't some kind of joke, is it?

We're only trying to be friendly.

All right, then. Two lumps.

Skewed fingers?

There we are.

Oh, you forgot to get a spoon.

Will you allow me, please?

It's just about finished, Captain Peacock. I should hope so, too.

Young Mr. Grace has come down specially for the unveiling.

All right.

Thank

you,

sir. Here you are, Mr. Grace.

If you'd like to pull this, all will be revealed, sir.

Let me help you, sir. I will help.

All right, I'm not too weak to pull a rope, you know.

Now then, gather round, everybody.

Hold on to my chair, Goddard.

Now, it gives me great pleasure, on behalf of Grace Brothers, to unveil the

ladies' department.

Well, that's a good start.

That's all right, sir. I'll pull them aside if you'd like to try again. Go on,

go on.

It gives me great pleasure on behalf of... You don't need to go through all

again, sir. I just pulled the sheets aside, Mr. Mann. Drum roll.

It's just the same.

The old new wood.

Anyway, we've got our own counters back again.

Oh, it was worse than being married.

it's over and we're just men again.

It didn't cost as much as I thought it would, so we're going to start on the

men's department.

You don't mean that we've got to join them?

Well, it looks like it, if Mrs. Slocum doesn't mind.

I can't wait.

I'll ride my chair and get all my...