Original subtitles

Second floor, perfumeries, stationery and leather goods, wigs and

kitchenware and food going off.

First floor, telephones, gents, ready -made suits, shirts, socks, iPads,

underwear and shoes going off.

Second floor, carpets, travel goods and vests, materials or furnishings,

restaurants... Could the Morgan mine hear him?

Hey, Orin, snuff a load of krauts if us.

That's 100 hats with shaving brushes on the side.

Tell them you know Captain Peacock.

It's not for us to reason why, Mr Humphreys. Young Mr Grace, in his

seen fit to mount a sales campaign to push German goods.

Well, it's difficult enough to sell English goods without a lot of rubbish

the damn Bosch.

That attitude is not going to help us very much, Mr. Granger.

We are in the common market, after all, you know.

I haven't sold one of these for 15 years.

That, Mr. Humphreys, is a dress stick for evening wear. It's the sort of thing

one carries to the opera.

Yes, I suppose it'd be quite handy to fight your way to the bar at the end.

Count Poppycock, be getting your hands off my schnitzel.

Put that away, Mr. Humphreys. It's for display purposes only.

Here, listen to this. You'll never guess what the German for cufflinks is. What?

Manschettenknopfler.

I don't expect they'll sell many with a name like that.

There you are.

Twelve pairs of lever swimming trunks.

Niederhosen. Oh, have you been to Germany, Mr. Humphreys? Yes, I was there

summers ago, camping.

It's a very hard win. You're wearing these, you know, but you must never have

them dry clean.

My friend used to just rub his over with Ronnock.

It is a funny name for a sweater.

Mitt der Hand, a gawasschen.

That means wash by hand.

It's a good job you parleyed the Deutsch, Captain Peter.

I had to study it during the war.

Ausfod.

I beg your pardon?

Ausfod. What's that mean?

The way out, Mr. Bash.

I suggest you take that one as we open in a few moments. He ought not to be in

the common market.

I don't trust that Adenauer.

Blimey, he went years ago.

I'm not surprised.

Very shifty -looking fella.

Oh, say, look at this.

Sex unterhosen.

Oh?

I wonder what's in here.

Don't get carried away, Mrs. Slocum.

Unterhosen literally translated means under trousers.

Untertrausses? Do you mean knickers?

I'm not selling German sex knickers.

Sex, Mrs. Slocum, is the word they use in Germany for six.

Oh, and what do they use for sex?

Same as they use everywhere else.

All right, I'm going.

Don't worry.

Here you are, Mrs. Slocum.

Twelve brass.

Yeah? I wonder what the German is for that.

Bustenhalter.

Bustenhalter.

Doesn't it sound crude?

Yes. Come on, let's see what they look like.

Right.

Bustenhalter. You could carry a lot of coal in these.

Whatever size is it?

It says here, clean.

That means small.

So well built, those German girls.

Oh, just imagine.

Seven old days of trying to knock this lot out. It'll be a disaster.

Like that Russian cosmetic week.

It would have gone very well if you hadn't mixed up the hair lacquer with

underarm deodorant.

It was very embarrassing, it was.

My wife got out of the bath, gave a couple of squirts under the arm, went to

pull the blind down and was stuck in front of the window for half an hour.

Well, couldn't you have pulled the blind down?

No, I was too busy outside sitting up deck chairs and taking the money.

Mr Mesh.

Ausfahrt.

Schweinhund.

Ah, pleases everyone.

Stand by for the bad rush.

Guten Morgen, mein Herr.

Willkommen zu den Grace Brothers.

What are you doing? What's in his German phrases?

He'll be clicking his heels in a minute.

Guten Morgen.

Guten Morgen.

Guten Morgen, mein Herr.

Willkommen zu den Grace Brothers. Ah, Sie sprechen Deutsch.

Ich möchte einen warmen Wintermantel. Das Wetter hier ist sehr kalt.

a little beyond me there.

We've only just started our German week.

What were you looking for?

I am for a coat looking.

I wish a warm coat because it is cold.

Very methodical, the Germans.

A coat, yes, certainly, sir.

Herr Granger, Rausch, Schnell?

Just like cold it.

This gentleman wants a coat to keep out the cold.

Oh, yes, the weather has been rather chilly, hasn't it?

Wie bitter? Oh, absolutely bitter.

Now, we have a range here made in Bavarian wool. Not Bavarian. We are here

for the buying of the Harris tweed.

But they don't make Harris tweed in Germany.

I am doing this. That is why we are here.

But I'm afraid that this week we are only selling German goods.

Why are the British selling German goods?

Are you not proud to be British?

Oh, yes, we are very proud to be British, aren't we, Mr. Humphrey?

Bursting with pride, yes.

Oh, it's coming out all over the place, Mr. Humphrey.

Aren't you proud to be German?

Of course we are proud to be German.

Well, then why won't you buy a German coat?

Not a German hat with plenty.

My husband would not wear a hat like this. That is for the tourists.

You are a tourist.

They are for English tourists.

Are you so stupid to think I will return to Germany from a holiday in England

wearing a stupid German hat?

Thank you for your pasta.

Silly, bull -necked runt.

German, we got off to a good start.

We could hardly expect to sell it to the Germans themselves.

But I'm sure we shall have no difficulty at all in attracting the British

customers. You know, there's only two things I like about Germany.

Kurt Jurgens and Gorgonzola.

Gorgonzola isn't German.

Oh, well, there's only one thing I like there. No, no, no, I tell a lie.

I like Irving Berlin.

Kurt and Morgan, uh... Mine and Gennady gets pushed to... No.

Are you being served?

Just having a look.

So be it.

We've imported some very interesting German merchandise.

Perhaps I can show you to the ladies, Captain.

This, for instance.

I haven't worn one of those for years.

Don't you really?

I don't agree with them.

I see.

Well, I...

I take it you agree with these.

I'll take care of this customer, thank you, Captain Peacock. Now, madam, you're

under no obligation, of course, but may I draw your attention to this rather

night -lining Westphalian type that have just come in. We have them in two

shades, have we not, Miss Brown?

Yes, waist and swan, whatever that is.

From the look of it, black and white.

And then we have these... Pig skin handbags from the Black Forest, not to

mention a line in plastic maps from Hamburg.

Yes, the Hamburgs are quite nice, but not really what I'm looking for. What is

Madame looking for?

The ladies.

Turn left at the Ausfahrt.

would have had more consideration than keep us sitting on our jacksies for the

post -mortem.

Well, I can't wait more than ten minutes because I'm having a bath tonight.

It's treats?

Well, I can't get the old boiler working.

Having a bath with Mrs Granger, are you?

I don't find that amusing.

Come to think of it, neither would I.

You know, this sort of thing just isn't fair on my pussy.

She has a go at the furniture if I'm not there prompt.

Well, my oven switches itself on at seven o 'clock.

Well, you're all right then, aren't you?

I'm not. My slippers are in there.

I usually give them five minutes on regular, too, and then it's just rice

the rice pudding.

Well, Shirley and I are going to the pictures.

I haven't said yes yet.

I wasn't going to ask you that question till after we came out.

I don't know. Why are you bother going out with him at all?

Well, it's either that or taking me month -washing to the laundry -ette.

I'm not going there again. I've seen more of your mother's underwear than I

of yours.

Good evening, everybody.

I say, it's very good of you all to stay.

I don't mind a bit, sir.

Oh, no, of course not.

You all have the good of the firm at heart.

Well, now, let's get down to it, shall we?

Haven't you got a chair, Peacock?

Get a chair, Mr. Lucas? I've got one.

Get me a chair, Mr. Lucas.

I hope this isn't going to take long, Mr. Rumble, because it's very unfair on

Mrs. Slocum's pussy.

I'll be as brief as I can.

It's always a pleasure.

Mr.

Rumbold has asked us to stay behind and report on the success of the first day

of our German week.

Yes, well now, how did you find it? Mr. Granger? A complete disaster.

I sold one pair of strumps.

I see.

What exactly are strumps?

It's the dantily name they use for socks.

That's not very good. No, we'll have to pull our strumps off.

fare any better, Mrs. Slocum? No.

Everything's still on their Clyde bugles.

I'm not sure whether that's good or bad.

What are they?

Coat hangers.

That's encouraging to see, or getting a grasp of the lingo.

Yes, I even know the German for corset.

Excellent. What is it?

Corset.

Spoke with a K.

We're coming along well.

I thought we were here to push goods, not pick up Jerry words.

What is the departmental total?

I have a summary here.

32 pounds.

32 pence.

Those are my strumps.

Is that all? Good heavens, that's a disaster. I told you it was.

Well, is that all, Mr. Rumble?

No, no, no, please sit down, Mrs. Floker.

We've got to work out where we went wrong.

It's the fault of whose ever stupid idea it was.

Mr. Rumble's idea.

There's nothing wrong with the idea.

Could be the way you're carrying it out. I've already noted during this meeting

that the word Jerry has been used.

Do I detect an anti -German feeling?

Yes.

Some of us have long memories, you know. I haven't forgotten being flung flat on

me back on Clapham Common by a landmine.

responsible. All the other times she was flat on her back, the American Air

Force was responsible.

That's it. I'm done.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Logan. It was just a joke. I was very joking.

Very poor taste.

That's the sort of thing I have to put up with all day long. You want to tell

him off.

You're reprimanded, Mr. Lucas, and that's official.

I'm sorry, Mr. Rumbolt. I didn't realise it was going to be taken quite as

seriously as that.

Now then.

Oh, where are we in our conference?

Mrs. Slocum was remembering being flat on her back on class.

Can we knock it off, please? She even remembers what she said.

If I could just bring us back to the point.

Oh, please do.

Now, I feel there's a certain amount of resistance on the part of our customers

to German goods.

I've paid up with the way the papers keep on about how hard the Germans work

how well they're doing.

They're too damn cocky, in my opinion.

We did win, you know.

A long time ago. Today, we're supposed to be on the same side.

Yes, now let's examine this whole German operation step by step. Or goose step

by goose step.

First, is there anything wrong with our display?

Well, I think we've gone far too far.

I mean, those signs, for instance.

When a customer sees exit and entrance, he knows where he is.

What goes through his mind when he sees Einfahrt and asks for it?

trying to create an atmosphere.

One dear old lady customer of mine got a terrible shock.

She was caught short and walked straight through the door marked Heron.

You should have directed her to the door marked Darman.

I didn't have time. She saw the word Heron was off.

And I'm here to tell you that she won't make the same mistake again.

There was certainly nothing wrong with the goods. They're all first class, hand

-picked by myself.

With respect, Mr. Rumbled, and I think I'm unanimous in this, you've laid your

hands on some very coarse Boston halters.

Perhaps we need to make the German brand image a happier, jollier affair to

counteract memories of the past.

And how are we going to do that?

Well, perhaps a little music and a wine bar with German serving wenches in

traditional costumes.

Trust him to come up with that one.

I like what I'm hearing. I think we're on the right track. Yes, we could turn

the old department into White Horse Inn and have Captain Peacock dressed up as

the student prince.

Yes, I like what I'm hearing. I think we're on the right track.

Yes, indeed.

I think Mr. Rambold ought to dress up as something.

Yes, wasn't Frankenstein a journey?

I wouldn't be able to take part, of course, in case I was summoned to a

meeting. But I don't see why Captain Peacock shouldn't participate.

I can think of lots of reasons why I shouldn't participate.

Somebody has to have authority on the floor, and these clothes that I wear

symbolise that authority.

Why don't you dress up as Hitler?

You know, I'm sure we're absolutely on the right track. I shall put all these

ideas that I've had in front of young Mr Grace and see what he thinks.

Let me say here and now that I am not going to dress up as Hitler.

Of course you're not, Captain Peacock. We shall just have to find something

gives you the appropriate air of authority.

Mr. Grace, Rumbold here.

Rumbold, yes, sir.

We used to have a Rumbold in charge of the third floor.

I am Rumbold in charge of the third floor.

Oh, good. I'm glad you're back with us.

It's about the German week, sir.

Ah, yes, sir.

How's it going?

Well, the figures are a little better today, sir.

Sixty -four pence.

Another pair of strumpets.

Yes, well, of course, I realise there is room for improvement.

And I have put into force the proposals I put to the board meeting yesterday.

What were they?

to make the German brand image a happier, jollier affair.

And to that end, I've arranged for my staff to stay behind and to demonstrate

the sort of thing I suggested.

Well, what's that?

Well, perhaps you could come down and have a look.

Well, I hope it won't take long. I always go to the club on Tuesday

Oh, yes, the bridge club.

No, no, no, the strip club.

Oh, yes, of course.

By the way, I've arranged for my secretary to hand out the drinks at the

bar. Oh, well, that's the one with the nice legs.

I'll come down as soon as I can.

I thought you would.

I brought you a glass of the German wine to try, Mr. Rumble.

Excellent.

How do you find the costume? Comfortable?

the blouse should be a bit lower.

I doubt it.

Don't lean over too much.

I'm sure the bodice could be a bit tighter, you know.

Do you think you could put your finger on the knot for me, please?

You could just put it about there, that's it.

Could you push harder, otherwise it'll all fall apart.

Enter.

I seem to be caught.

Call back later.

I mean, Miss Thorpe wasn't tight enough and I was just helping her.

Oh, I see.

Shall I have to do it again, sir?

No. I'll come back later.

I'll have one more go.

Oh!

Done it.

Well, I know it's after hours, sir, but if you've quite finished, I'd like to

have a word with you.

Yes, yes.

Go and attend to your stand.

Yes, sir.

Now, what is it, Peacock?

Peacock. During our discussion, you didn't tell me that my costume would

the appropriate air of authority.

I'm getting a lot of air, but very little authority.

Well, you have my permission to wear a bigger brush in your hat.

Thank you, Mr. Rowan.

Now, young Mr. Grace will be coming down soon to give us the go -ahead on the

project. The sooner the better.

Mrs. Slocum has spent the last 35 minutes in her fitting room sampling the

German wine.

You'd better get back there.

Yes, sir.

Quarterman.

What's that strange creaking noise?

My trousers. They're not run in yet.

Yodel, odel, odel, odel, odel, odel, odel.

I

can't

think why, but my eyes are watering.

Come on, come on, Rumpelstiltskin, there's no...

bockers since I was 11.

You've forgotten to put your shoes on.

My feet have been giving me hell after all that dancing.

I'm putting my foot down. The dance is out.

I can't see that being dressed up like this is going to attract customers.

Oh, it will.

Mind you, they'd be the wrong sort.

On the other hand, that might attract some customers.

Listen, I don't know how to wear my braces.

Should they be like...

You've got a problem there.

Well, you're not supposed to be men. You should know.

We haven't got the same problem.

Why don't you leave them off altogether?

If I did that, me trousers would fall down.

That could be the gimmick we're looking for.

No, you don't. You're the right fairy.

Aren't you the lucky one?

I think this hat's too tight.

It's making me feel quite giddy.

Oh, oh, you can only see yourselves. You look absolutely ridiculous.

I think this wine is very inocuous.

If you want to watch it, it creeps up on you.

Must make you so overtaken.

Miss Brahms, come here, come here.

You ought to wear your braces like I do.

It's more feminine.

Here. You haven't been at the wine, have you?

Because you're swaving about a lot.

You have to control yourself.

Ah, well, in for a fennick, in for a pound. We might as well all have one.

Drink, drink, drink.

Do I use it up right?

And there's the profit on the strump.

Oh, magnificent.

You all look quite authentic, especially the ladies.

Twiddle his knob, somebody. It's out of focus.

I see what you mean. I think I'd better go and wait at the lift for young Mr.

Grace. Yes.

Ladies, everyone.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

Well, of course I'm free. We're shut.

Well, I wish to tell you on behalf of my colleagues and myself that we shall not

do this dance.

Yes, well, in view of Mrs. Slocum's condition, I'm inclined to agree with

knew it was a waste of time re -earthing it.

What, what, what, what?

They don't! They don't want to do it.

Somebody should do herself a mischief.

Once that lot starts wobbling, you'll never stop it.

She's coming.

Please, everybody.

She's here.

Rumpold, who are all these damn Germans in the lift?

Excuse me a moment, sir.

Peacock, I want to work with you. Yes, sir.

Who are all these damn Germans in the lift?

The German band that you ordered to play for the German dance.

Yes, of course.

It's a German band, sir. You agreed to it while you were having your nap at the

meeting. Oh, yes.

And we thought we'd start... by offering our customers a glass of wine. Would

you like to try it, sir? Oh, how very kind.

Nice to see you, Mr. Grace. Good evening, sonny.

Thank you, Miss, my dear.

I work under Mr. Rumble.

Ah, you're doing very well, I'm sure.

I hope he likes it all.

I think I should tell you now, sir, that we're not doing the dance.

But you've got to do the dance.

The answer is no.

But I've paid for the band. It's more than my job's worth. I'm sorry, sir.

If I topple Peacock, I'll drag you down with me, and you'll get nowhere without

a reference.

The men are behind me, sir.

True.

Well, let me put it like this. If you don't do the dance, I shall stop the

for the band out of your wages.

Well, do the dance.

Oh, I only just remember I've done half of it already.

What is happening, Mr. Peter?

Well, sir, this is the general atmosphere that the customers will

then from time to time, to attract attention, we shall break into a good

-natured German folk dance.

But I don't suppose you want to bother with that now?

Well, I might as well have my money's worth.

Yes, well, after all, it is your money.

Places, everybody.

Oh, I'm going to do it now?

Yes, Mr. Peter, come on, pay attention.

German band ready?

Ready when you are, mate.

Three, and...

I was gentle. I just went like that.

You did not. You went like that.

I did not go like that.

Well, next time, I shall go like that.

In that case, I shall go like that.

Two can play in that game.

This has been a great eye -opener to me.

Yes, it will, sir.

Apart from that last unfortunate incident, what did you think of it?

Well, um...

I'd like to thank you all for making up my mind for me, and Grace Brothers is

coming out of the common market. Ah, blimey, we're just about to enjoy

as well.

All together, and...