Original subtitles

First floor, perfumery, stationery and leather goods. Wigs and haberdashery.

Kitchenware and food going off.

First floor, telephone, gents, ready -made

suits. Shirts, socks, high -pads, underwear and shoes going off.

Are you being heard?

Well, I was looking for a sweater, actually.

Is that me, sir?

Mr. Granger, are you free?

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock.

I'm in the middle of a boulder hat.

Sir Lucas, is Mr.

Humphreys free?

Yes, Mr. Granger, Mr. Humphreys. Are you free, Mr. Humphreys? I'm free, Mr.

Lucas. Mr. Humphreys is free, Mr. Granger. Thank you, Mr. Lucas, Captain

Peacock. Yes, Mr. Granger. Mr. Humphreys is free. Thank you, Mr. Granger.

Mr. Humphreys is free, so he'll attend to you, sir. Mr. Humphreys, forward.

Thank you, sir, sir.

Thank you, madam.

The bill is inside, and if the doorman doesn't give you every satisfaction,

please bring it back, because we're only here to be of service.

Well, it had got to be half past nine, and I was all dressed up, and he still

hadn't arrived.

He stood you up.

Men don't stand me up, Miss Franz.

Oh, no.

No, I expect his car had broken down. It did the last time we had a date.

Oh, and he apologised most...

Humbly, when I bumped into him a week later.

Oh, so you're all dressed up and nowhere to go.

No, no, no.

Mrs. Axleby and I went down to the pally. It was the over -25 night.

Oh, did you pick anybody up?

We didn't go for that, Miss Brown.

So, I mean, did anyone come up and ask you to dance?

Oh, no, I don't encourage that sort of thing.

Anyway, I didn't like the look of any of the men there.

So after we stood by the dance floor for about 20 minutes, sussing it out, you

know, we went into the bar.

Oh, you didn't get sloshed again?

Certainly not.

We just had a few gin and tonics.

Only one of the tonics I had must have been banned.

They are sometimes, you know.

But anyway, I came over all dizzy.

Mrs. Axe will be out to put me to bed.

Oasis! Oasis!

Here we are, Mrs. Sluggan.

Twelve pairs of 30 denier types.

Unlucky for some.

Twelve padded bras.

Who's kidding who?

And finally, 24 pairs of novelty briefs known to such common persons as myself

as naughty knickers.

What are you talking about, Mr. Mash?

Here. Look at that.

Oh, it's got writing on.

Oh, what does it say, Miss Brown?

If you can read this, you're too close.

How disgusting.

It's true.

What about Emily?

Handy.

And then there's these coming four models.

Hello, cheeky.

I love Elvis.

Your flies are undone.

And no parking.

Did you ever see anything like it in your life?

My boyfriend bought me a pair of those once, but I wouldn't wear them. Oh, what

did they say?

In case of emergency, pull down.

That must be worth a five -pound fine.

That'll be quite enough of that, thank you, Mr. Mash.

Captain Peacock!

Are you having trouble, Mrs.

Slocum? I certainly am, Captain Peacock.

I can only give you a moment. I have to see Mr. Rumbold.

I absolutely refuse to display these.

Well, you're not being asked to wear them, are you?

Certainly not. I wouldn't put them on for a thousand pounds.

How much would you take them off for, then?

Mr. Marsh, get back to your basement.

Oh, I see.

Worker's not allowed to have a sense of humour, eh? Eh? Eh? Good.

Marvellous. Anyway, mate, we have our laughs. Don't you worry.

You want to see what they've written about you on the walls of our carsies.

Now, see here, Captain Peacock.

I refuse to have anything to do with these vulgar garments.

They're not that bad.

Progress has to march on, Mrs. Stoken.

Not wearing those, it doesn't.

I have to remind you that you are all paid to sell the goods purchased by the

buying department.

And if I don't?

No one is irreplaceable.

You're not going to stand for that, are you? I very nearly said something very

cutting and rude, I can tell you.

I bet. What are you going to do about it?

I have a good mind to hand in me resignation.

You... Don't talk not for that.

Oh, it's you, sir.

Definitely you, don't you think so, Mr Lucas?

Yes, it's definitely the customer.

It seems a little tight to me.

They are being worn tight this year, sir.

Particularly that one.

I wanted it for golfing, you see. Ah, well, it'll be very good, sir. Keep your

arm stiff, you see.

Why don't you try a swing, sir?

You have a lovely movement there.

Yes, well, I do have a very small handicap.

Oh, do you?

You'll probably find a pair of tight trousers to go with it.

It grips me under the arms.

Yes, well, there's a lot of tension in that Shetland wool, sir. Yes, it's the

nervous sheep, you know. They live near a fire in there.

Thank you, Mr Lucas. Why don't you try another swing, sir?

Well, it's very good for driving. How is it for putting?

It's pulling.

Perhaps it's the way you were holding the club, sir.

What you must remember, sir, is it will stretch after the first wash.

I thought wool always shrank. No, no, that's a popular misconception, that,

I mean, you only have to think about it to see it couldn't possibly be true.

Otherwise, every time it rained, the sheep would get smaller, wouldn't they?

No, I definitely need the next size.

We haven't got the next size.

We must have the next size.

We've only got a 48.

That's the next size. Next size.

There we are, sir. How's that?

Where's he gone? Oh, me.

There, sir.

Well,

there's not much in it, really.

Don't you think it's a little long?

Well, they are being worn long this year, sir.

It'll be very good for your handicap.

What you must remember, though, is it will shrink after the first wash.

I thought you said wool doesn't shrink. Ah, that's pure wool. You see, this is

half wool and half extruded man -made fibre.

The extruded bit shrinks in hot water.

The man -made bit shrinks in cold water.

In fact, sir, there's no point in wearing it at all until you've washed

All right, all right. I'll take it. Hail, Mr. Lucas. Oh, it's a very dear

Mr. Humphrey.

Let me help you out of the small ones. Oh, thank you. Yes, would you?

Are you all right in there, sir?

I'm stuck.

Mr Humphreys, would you mind holding the gentleman's rear while I pull from the

front?

Pleasure, Mr Lucas.

It's like pulling a Christmas cracker, isn't it?

I wonder who's going to get the novelty.

attending to you, sir?

They are looking for my very expensive undetectable hairpiece.

We're having a bit of trouble detecting it.

Perhaps it's in the jumper.

Should we comb it now, sir, or after you put it on? Give it to me.

Oh, takes years off you.

Is it all right?

Yes.

Not quite as undetectable as it was.

What other colours did they have?

Yes, I certainly made my point, Captain Peacock.

I'm having nothing to do with those things, I said.

Well, he must have told Rumbold because he's bringing him over.

Oh, he wouldn't sneak, would he? Well, Rumbold's looking very ugly.

Yes, well, look at the start he's got.

Mrs. Slocum, Miss Browns, one moment, please.

Yes, Captain Peacock?

Mrs. Slocum.

Something quite shocking has come to my ears.

I thought that happened when he was phone.

I'm afraid I had to tell Mr. Rumbold about your insubordinate attitude.

There are some knickers that I will display and some that I won't. And those

won't are staying in me drawers.

I see.

And Miss Brahms backs me up in this, don't you, Miss Brahms? Yes.

and Mrs. Flocombe feels so strongly about it, she's prepared to resign.

Is this true, Mrs. Flocombe? Well, what I meant was that I shall have to

consider it very carefully.

Very well. But I haven't had time to consider it yet, have I? And I do think

that someone with my excellent sales record should be allowed some discretion

to the stuff I push.

Don't you agree with me, Mr. Granger?

If you want my opinion, you've been nothing but trouble since you put foot

this floor.

You two -faced old crub.

I take it that you don't support Mrs. Slocum, Mr. Granger. If she wants to

resign, let her.

We can do with that space to expand our trousers.

Our trousers have been rather restricted since the ladies arrived, haven't they?

Oh, bursting at the seams, Mr. Humphreys, yes.

That area has been devoted to our trousers for over 25 years.

Yes, in those days, before the daisies arrived, it was known as bargain bags.

Now they're here, it still is.

One must say, in Mr Granger's defence, that his sales have gone down since the

ladies took over half the floor.

Perhaps, because he's a bit past it. Past it!

Past it! A glass of water for Mr Granger. A glass of water coming up.

Tell that woman I'm severing my connections.

Should I cancel the glass of water, then?

You know, I really don't know why Mr Granger's blowing off at me.

I mean, it wasn't my idea to move into his trousers.

Yes, he's being uncommonly rude.

It was a great shock to Mr Granger to suddenly find ladies in his trousers.

Wouldn't have been so bad if it had been sports equipment.

I had no idea that Mrs Slocum's underwear was causing so much friction.

Neither did I.

Anyway, I could easily get a top job somewhere else, you know.

Harrods have been making some very interesting overtures. What for? The

department?

I also have very good connections with Marshall and Snowgrove.

And the beauty department at Swan and Edgar's have made me a very interesting

offer. What was it? A free facelift?

No, let's... I'm going.

Mr. Granger, don't stop her.

Oh, no, I was just going to ring for the lift.

You can't go without your hat and coat.

I'm not going outside.

I'm going up to see young Mr. Grace.

I'm going to put my points before him personally.

Good morning, Mr. Stoker. Good morning, Mr. Grace.

Good morning, Mr. Grace.

May I say, Mr. Grace, that it does our hearts good to see you looking so

flamboyant. Thank you.

Is there something I'd like... I'd like to show you, Mr. Grace. Yes, yes.

We don't want a scene here. Keep him talking.

May I suggest one of our silk handkerchiefs for your top pocket?

That's quite a good match. I think you'll agree.

What do you think of that, Mr. Grace?

Oh, I prefer it.

Of course.

I have an announcement to make. Quiet for Mr Grace.

You may all be surprised to know that I have been a widower now for 40 years.

I did not see my day too bad.

Yet there's somebody here in Grace Brothers who I've had my eye on for some

time.

I'm sure, sir, that any lady who's attracted your attention must have great

quality, Mr. Gray. She will indeed be a lucky lady, sir.

Yes, she'll have lots of lolly and all.

And she won't have long to wait for it.

To sum it up, the maximum of one thing and the minimum of the other.

May we be permitted to know the name, sir? No, no, no. I prefer to keep that a

secret until I've told it my intention.

Well, that shouldn't take long.

But I shall reveal everything to you shortly.

Oh, we'll look forward to that, Mr. Graham.

Will you give me your arm, Mrs. Slocum? I'd like to have a word with you in

private.

How long have I known you now, Mrs. Slocum?

Oh, since I was a junior here, Mr. Grace.

Ah, yes, yes, a very long time.

Well, we can't discuss it here.

Perhaps you would have tea with me in my office this afternoon at, say, four o

'clock.

I want to talk about a ring.

A ring?

Well,

carry on, everybody.

You've all done very well.

A ring?

A ring.

He's going to propose.

If she marries him, she'll be in charge of the whole store.

Yes, after that tis was this morning, it looks as though Mr Granger's going to

lose his trousers altogether.

Not to mention us, our jobs.

She'll be the power behind the throne.

I never like to think of people having power there.

Oh, Mr Slocum, we all heard that. Does that mean you and him are going to

We don't wish to make any comment at the moment.

Just get me a chair, Miss Brown. Yes, Mr Slocum.

I'm sorry about our little misunderstanding, Mrs. Slocum, but I was

my duty.

As a matter of fact, when I spoke to Mr. Rumbold, I did say that my sympathies

lay with you.

But it was you who said we'd better put her in her place.

Yes, sir, what I actually said was there should be a better place for us to put

her in.

No hard feelings, Mrs.

Slocum.

I have never seen so much crawling since the last time I was at the reptile

house in the zoo.

That'll do, Miss Brahms. Just because Mrs. Slocum's going to marry the head of

the firm, you're getting all smarmy.

Have a sweet, Mrs. Slocum.

No, thank you, my dear.

I have to think of my figure for a little longer.

Besides, I haven't actually said yes yet, you know.

One has to weigh up the pros and cons.

Well, he's very old. I mean, he's past it.

Yes, I'm not sure whether that's a pro or a con.

Anyway, he's not all that old. I mean, he's only about 70.

Well, he certainly doesn't look 70.

No, he looks about 85.

Besides, they have nothing to do with it.

I wonder where he's going to take you for honeymoon.

They have a lot of earthquakes in Japan.

What's that got to do with it? Well, get into a nice hotel, get him in the

bridal suite and wait for a tremor.

Make up your mind. Do you think he's going to pop the question?

And if he does, Mrs. Slocum, what's the answer going to be? I shall have to

think about that very carefully. If you have any bother, you must do. He loves

me, he loves me not with your tea bags.

Oh, but my hair's an absolute sight.

I wonder if I could get an appointment up in the Continental Beauty Salon with

Madame Beryl.

Of course, it would mean having an ex... for long lunch break.

No, I'm sure that'll be quite in order.

Those decisions are mine, Captain Peacock.

Take as long as you like, Mrs. Lurken.

Don't worry about your lunch. I'll send you down a bit of fairy cake.

Yes, you will.

You don't want your tongue to rumble just as you're about to say. This is so

sudden.

But what am I going to wear?

I mean, I must look me best.

The full facilities of my department are at your service, Mrs. Lurken.

She hardly likes to get proposed to wearing a three -piece suit.

I was referring to our superior kitchen room with two -way mirror.

I beg your pardon?

What Mr Granger really meant was the mirror you can see back and front in at

same time. Comes in quite handy sometimes.

I'm not sure that Mr Rumble would welcome your choosing any garment from

ladies' department.

Of course, I was about to say that.

Oh, how...

Of course, I would have to choose something suitable to the occasion.

How about opportunity knocks?

Past past three and Mrs. Slocum's still not back from lunch.

She is a very dear person, you know, Stephen. I'm very fond of her.

Oh, so am I.

By the way, has young Mr. Grace any living relations?

Only old Mr.

Grace, because he doesn't get about very much. Well, in that case, she stands to

cop the lot.

Yes, she is a very dear person.

You never told me how the party went.

Oh, the fancy dress party the other night. Oh, I can't speak about it. Oh,

on, force yourself.

I bet you had the best fancy dress costume there. Well, it was a stroke of

genius to go as the Red Shadow.

I've been wondering what to do with those curtains from the guest bedroom.

I suppose you used a touch of the old cocoa to black up and stain the face.

Certainly not. I used overnight tan.

It wasn't quite dark enough, so I stuck my head in the oven for five minutes on

regular, too.

I bet you felt like Lawrence of Arabia.

I did.

And I took my slippers, my bedroom slippers, and I held them over the gas,

pulled the toes out to a point and curled them up. Just like the real

Oh, brilliant. And if anyone else had gone as the Lawrence of Arabia, you

have said you were Ali Baba and you'd left your pots outside.

Alas, I shall never know who went as what.

What do you mean? Well, my minicab broke down, didn't it, and I had to walk.

I couldn't remember the address, and I had no idea where the flat was, and I

knocking on doors at random.

Oh, so there you were in your curled -up slippers with your best curtain

material, feeling desperate.

Until two policemen threw their arms round me.

You found the fancy dress party, then? No, but you try walking round Golders

Green at midnight dressed as an Arab, knocking on doors.

I was escorted home in a police car for my own safety.

Ah, what an anticlimax.

Well, not really. One of them stayed for sherry and showed me how his handcuffs

worked.

Are you being fair, sir?

No, but I would like to see some trousers.

Mr. Granger, are you free?

I'm afraid not, Captain Peacock. Mr. Locus, are you free?

I'm free, Mr. Granger.

This way. Thank you.

Mr. Granger, why did you say that you were not free?

Because I'm waiting to tell Mrs. Slocum how nice her hair looks. How nice your

hair looks, Mrs. Slocum.

It's lacquered solid.

I've asked him for the commissionaire, not the peacock, is that?

Mrs. Slocum, it's wonderful.

I'll bet it with me.

Oh, a mere trifle, dear. I signed the bill.

Oh? Well, put out the dress that she wanted to try on.

I'm afraid I shall have to leave you in charge, Miss Brown.

Maybe Miss Brown will have to get used to that.

Well, I shall certainly put in a good word for her.

Oh, and that's a common colour when you get it in the light.

Oh, now, that's rather nice.

And Brown...

dignified, isn't it?

Yes, and it doesn't show the gravy.

Our superior fitting room is over here, Mr. Slocum. Your kindness to me will not

go unnoticed, Mr.

Granger.

Your tie's crooked, Mr. Humphreys.

Oh, you know, this whole department's in need of redecoration.

I can't abide Mackie Paints.

Nothing, Mrs. Slocum. You wait till the honeymoon.

I think I'll make use of my own facilities, thank you.

Captain Peacock.

Yes, Mr. Humphreys. You're a man of the world.

In your wide experience in these matters, do you think they're going to

go of it?

Putting it bluntly, Mr. Humphreys, I'd say that neither of them is in a

to be very choosy. I can't think what's come over the old boy.

Well, perhaps he doesn't want to die, uh, unprogenitated.

That would be a most unfortunate thing to happen.

I mean, perhaps he wants to have somebody ready to take over, like, like

Peron when her junta collapsed.

That can be nasty, too.

And if you ask me, I think she'll have her hands full.

Yes, indeed, Mr. Slocum.

Well,

it's a trifle formal for afternoon tea, doesn't it?

I'm not going to wear it this afternoon, but I couldn't resist trying it on. It

makes me feel all young and innocent.

A remarkable garment indeed.

Mr. Slocum, quarter to four. Time to put your afternoon frock on.

La -da -da -dee.

Oh, be still, my fluttering heart.

That wind from your fairy kite.

Well, it looks as if she's made up her mind. In five minutes' time, she'll be

in Mr. Grace's office.

I wouldn't mind being a fly on the wall up there.

I can tell you exactly what you'd see.

Tea for two, a silly old muffin and a tired old bit of crumpet.

Come in.

Where are the rings you wanted to have a look at, Mr. Grace? Ah, thank you, Miss

Robinson.

Where's the tea?

Just coming, Mr. Grace.

Come in. Come in.

Who may not meet?

No, no, no. The tea's not arrived yet.

Do sit down.

You know Miss Robinson of the jewellery department.

Maria and I are old acquaintances.

Oh, that'll be the tea. Come in, come in.

There you are.

Nice pot of rosy leaf, Mr Grace.

And your usual muffin and crumpet.

Oh, they're nice rings, aren't they, eh?

Pick a big one, darling. Enter.

Pick the honeymoon suite on the ground floor.

One flight of stairs, he won't be able to get his breath back until after

breakfast.

I expect you wonder why I asked you to come and have tea with me, Mrs.

Slocum. Well, a girl doth have an inkling, you know.

A what?

An inkling.

What's that?

Well, it's what a girl has when there's something special in the air.

Oh, you mean like hay fever, something... Shall I pour?

Yes, please do.

I expect you think I'm an old fool getting married again at my time of

the contrary, Mr. Grace.

You're very young in spirit, and you need someone to take you out of

Well, I mean, you never go on holiday, do you?

Oh, no.

That's true.

Of course, I do realise that it's very difficult for a man in your position.

I mean, supposing you were to take your yacht into the Carabino, he'd have all

the...

over you just because you're rich.

Would I?

And they're only after one thing, you know.

Are they?

Whereas if you're married to a wife who's devoted to you, you'll always have

someone at your side and be protected from all that.

Someone to help you through your troubles.

Help you through life's weary problems.

cherishing each other when you're thick and all that sort of thing.

I'm very grateful to you, Mrs. Slocum. You've helped me make up my mind.

I brought you here to choose a ring. Oh, Mr. Grace.

That big one.

It's for Miss Robinson, you know, the jewellery department.

I've had my eye on her for some time.

Almost two months.

Miss Robinson?

But now you've spoken to me, you've put me right off the idea of marriage.

But that was the last thing I wanted to do, Mr Gray.

Well, it's very kind of you, Mrs Slocum, and you must help me again sometime.

Oh, it's always a pleasure.

When you come to my time of life, you need the help of an older woman.

Senator, feel free.

You haven't drunk your tea.

I don't think I fancy it now.

Well, take a muffin in case you feel like it later.

You're too kind.

Well, is there anything else?

I don't suppose there is.

Oh, Mrs.

Slocum. Yes, Mr. Grace.

Ask the newsstand to send me up the yachting news, will you?

Past closing time. You may go if you wish.

None of us are going till we've found out what's happened.

Maybe he had the vicar upstairs in his office.

A friend of mine did that once, you know. He had a small section of the

hidden behind the curtains.

It was very moving.

Here she is.

Doesn't she look radiant?

Well, uh...

Tell us everything that happened.

Well, before I do, there are one or two things that I'd like to get quite clear.

Mr. Granger, I take it that you no longer object to my presence in the

department on this floor?

On the contrary, Mrs. Clocombe. The ladies' department can always be

And I take it Captain Peacock... that you will not in future insist upon the

ladies' department displaying garments which they consider to be in bad taste.

All goods on display will be entirely at the discretion of whoever is in charge.

Good. Well, that's settled then.

So, when's the happy day?

Today.

Today? I turned him down.