Original subtitles

Downpour, perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food going off.

First floor, telephones, gents, ready -made food, gents, socks, pie pads,

underwear and shoes going off.

Look. Whoa, blimey, you look a bit of a state, don't you? Where were you last

night? Hey, you've got a red nose, don't you? Have a good blow, go on.

Here, what's all this straw down your back? Look.

Here, Daphne, lend us your vacuum, will you? This one's in a terrible state.

You ain't been having it off with Cary Grant there in the packing department

after closing time, have you?

You'll be getting the store a bad name, you will.

Close your eyes, girls.

Hold your breath, darling.

It's not the first time you've lost your knickers in a tube.

Morning, Mr Lucas.

Morning, Mr Mash.

You're early.

Have you had the pleasure of meeting Miss Daphne Aykroyd and Miss Ivy

of the cleaning department?

I do.

Hello, lovely boy.

This is Mr Lucas.

The Robert Redford of the ready -mades.

You don't see him very often on account he's always five minutes late.

Your card's right. You're on a promise there.

I've come in early because I'm not stopping.

You're chucking it in, are you?

No, I've got this bird coming up for the afternoon from the country.

So I've just come in to tell him I've got a cold and I've got to get back to

bed. Well, it's half true.

He's dead before they give you time off here, mate. Old Mr Luthwaite from the

kitchen department broke his arm. They made him spend the rest of the day

demonstrating coffee grinders with the other one.

I've got a temperature.

And they'll have you straight up the sister. And she's a very funny woman, I

tell you.

She don't always take your temperature the way you expect.

You mean they won't take my word for it? Not a grace, brothers, no.

Here, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you a tip. What we used to use in the army.

You put an onion under your arm and chew on a bit of soap.

I haven't got an onion.

I'll get you one from Fruit and Veg.

What were you up to last night? I was watching yogi on the television.

The yogi bear? No, Indian yogi. They were showing you all the positions you

get into, and I was doing it with them in case there was one I didn't know.

I'd just got past the fifth position of supreme ecstasy when my horizontal hold

went.

Perhaps I could do to move.

Yes, well, it would be. You're not going to ask for the day off, are you? What,

here? You don't get the day off here, not even if you're paralysed. They put a

coat on you and use you as a dummy.

I'm not stopping, you know. I've got a stream of coal. Well, I'll mention that

to Mr. Granger after I've told him about my bank.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Granger. Good morning, Mr. Granger.

My word, you do look pale.

Yes, I'm afraid I've got a touch of my old gastric trouble.

Well, I'm sorry to bother you with my troubles, Mr. Granger. I'm sorry, Mr.

Lucas, but if you want to discuss it, you'll have to discuss it through a

door.

Morning, Mrs. Slocum. Morning, Mrs. Slocum.

Anyway, listen.

It's supposed to stop me getting a cold for the rest of the winter. I've had a

course of seven injections.

Oh, you poor arm.

Oh, no, Mrs. Slocum. They don't give them to them in your arm anymore.

I won't be able to sit through a picture for all week.

They give you everything down there nowadays, don't they?

I have the earring, but still my doctor gave it to me down there.

Anyway, I don't hold with all... these newfangled things.

Last night, I had a hot whiskey, and this morning, I had brandy and milk on

rice crisps.

Oh, that's nice.

Crackle and burp.

Not only that, but I've got me flask full of rum and pep. Oh, well, it may

kill the germs, but it'll make them dizzy.

Have you got a cold, have you?

No, I'm just taking precautions.

Oh, that's good, because my doctor said I mustn't get a cold for seven days. Ah,

well, you'd better get Captain Peacock to send me home.

I mean, I've got an absolute streber.

I shall have no difficulty in keeping my distance from you, Mr. Lucas.

We were about to have a Christmas party. You couldn't wait to jump into that

cupboard with me and start playing sardines.

I'm sure you have plenty to do in your own department, Mr. Lucas.

At once, Mrs. Slocum.

Did he really jump in the cupboard with her?

Well, only because Captain Peacock was trying to get me to pull his cracker in

the fitting room.

You as well.

Here you are, mate. One Spanish onion, one piece of carbolic soap.

Put that under your arm, that under your tongue.

Do you think it'll get me off for the afternoon?

Well, it got me off D -Day.

Yeah,

do it now. The froth only lasts a minute. Go on.

Mr Granger not here?

Yes, he is here, Captain Peacock, but only part -time.

Well... Has he got a touch of the gastrics again? I'm afraid so, and of

his age doesn't help.

What do you mean, he's more susceptible?

No, he can't get there as quick as he'd like to.

You're probably wondering why I'm walking like this, Captain Peacock. I've

my back in.

I hadn't noticed any difference.

Mr. Lucas, what are you doing with your shirt undone?

I'm putting an onion under me arm.

Ask a silly question.

Captain Peacock.

Could I have a word with you, Captain Peacock? Not at all, Mr. Lucas. Are you

being served, sir?

No, I was just trying to remember what I came in here for. I've got a list here

somewhere. Captain Peacock. In a moment, Mr. Lucas. Ah, here it is.

Now, let me see.

Captain Peacock. In a moment.

There are two pairs of socks, a dozen handkerchiefs, a pair of braces, a tie,

and... Mr.

Lucas can help you.

No, on second thoughts, I've changed my mind.

You're dribbling.

Well,

now what is it, Mr. Lucas?

I don't feel very well, Captain.

I don't feel very well, Captain.

I'm not prepared to hold a conversation with you until you have emptied your

mouth.

a doctor's certificate?

No! In that case, I cannot allow you to go home.

Well, could I go home and see me doctor? Certainly not.

But I'm not Mr. Health.

If you'd looked round a couple of minutes ago, you'd have seen me foaming

mouth.

Yes, we used to get that in the army, you know.

It's usually caused by the placing of soap under the tongue.

Oh, the hiccups as well.

Hiccups is hardly serious enough for a day off, Mr. Lucas. Go and stand behind

the cabinet until you've recovered.

I've also got a... temperature. Could I go and see the sister? I'll send for

sister.

Get behind the cabinet.

And Mr. Lucas.

Captain P, come on.

I don't know what aftershave you're using, but you're coming over very

as if like it's a hot pot.

Would

you

put me through to first aid, please?

Sister.

Captain Peacock, the ladies and gentlemen's outfit.

I wonder if you'd be kind enough to bring your thermometer down here.

And a loofah.

There. How do you like that, madam?

Well, it's almost what I wanted, but it's not the colour.

Oh, but blue looks so cool on madam.

Miss Brown...

Don't you think that Madam looks cool in blue?

Yes, like an iceberg.

I'm not sure about the flowers.

Oh, but flowers are very much in vogue.

Yes, in all the other women's magazines.

Thank you, Miss Brahms. The iceberg was enough.

It's a little tight around the waist.

Ah, I had to give you that size because Madam has such slender shoulders.

But I can very easily alter it. No, I'm...

that keen, really. Oh, no, no, no. It's no trouble at all.

But I really didn't want it.

Well, you can't change your mind now. I've started the alteration.

I'm sure Madam will be delighted with it when it comes back from the workroom.

On Thursday week.

I'll be away then.

Oh.

In that case, put not urgent on it.

Now, if Madam would like to change... Just a moment.

I have a hat that would go wonderful with that.

Oh, no, no, I don't wear hats.

Well, you're wearing one now.

Well, it belongs to a friend.

I'll buy it for her, then.

No, thank you.

Oh, I can't stand people who are always changing their minds.

Well, it was a very good line of sales, Patty, Mrs. Slocum.

You have to know your customer, you understand.

I tried it once with a lady wrestler. She had me flat on me back.

Come on, Pat. Oh,

my throat. I feel as though the germs are surging round.

Look out, you foreign bodies. Get a load of this.

Have you got anything catching on going on?

No, no, no, no. I have a very strong constitution.

All my white corpuscules are fighting it.

You've got one, haven't you? You've got a cold.

Pass me one of those hand kits.

I haven't got one.

No, one from the box there at the end of the counter.

What colour do you want?

We don't matter.

Here.

You have got a cold.

My father gave me those injections, told me I mustn't get a cold for seven days.

Are you planning to rob a bank?

the germs from going up me nose.

If you wear that, you'll go up my nose.

Well, it's either this or I'm going home.

That's a very militant attitude, Miss Brahms.

You can like it or lump it.

Oh!

Oh, well, if that's the tune you'll use, I'm going to have a word with Captain

Peacock.

Captain Peacock, may I have a word with you? Not at the moment, Mrs. Slocum.

Five, four, three, two, one.

You're normal.

Yes, but we're working on it.

Well, I've definitely got a cold. I mean, listen to this.

There you are. Look at that.

I mean, I really think I ought to go home for the afternoon. I wouldn't want

anyone else to catch it.

Too late. I've given it to Mrs. Slocum.

I already had one of my own.

Pipped a peacock.

May I now have a word with you? In a moment, Mrs. Slocum. I'm sorry to have

troubled you. No, that's quite all right.

That sounds like a nasty cold, Mrs. Slocum. Oh, yes, it's just beginning.

That's what I wanted to discuss with you, Captain Peacock. I cannot let you

home, Mrs. Slocum, just because you have a cold.

I don't want to go home. It's Miss Brahms. She won't stop because she's

of catching my cold just because she's had these flu injections.

Miss Brahms, over here.

Oh, no, your oil well's this way.

Miss Brahms, where did you have these injections?

In me bum.

At what establishment?

Oh, my doctor gave them me.

Your doctor gave them to you, Miss Brown? No, he didn't. He charged me

quid.

Well, it's quite right. She must avoid cold contact for a week.

Otherwise, she'll have to have it done again.

Yes, and I can't afford the expense.

If she's stopping, I'm going.

Well, I'm not having a day's pay, Doc, just because you've got a jacksie full

vaccines.

What a delicate way to put it.

I'm sorry that I've been so long away, Captain Peacock.

Oh, damn.

It's all go here today.

Well, sister, if Miss Brahms mustn't catch a cold, she'd better lend a hand

the gentleman's department. I'm not catching his cold.

If you will allow me to finish, Miss Brahms.

And as Mr. Lucas has one anyway, he can assist Mrs. Slocum in the ladies.

No, Mrs. Slocum wouldn't like that Captain Peacock. I mean, and she might

cold on top of her cold.

It would be much better if you sent me home for the afternoon.

You will do as you are told, Mr. Lucas.

I am not having a man in the ladies. It's unheard of.

Only to assist you, Mrs. Slocum. But it's a very personal service in the

department, Captain Peacock.

Yes. Well, in that case, he can confine himself to gloves, scarves and handling

the till.

I don't think I can be trusted, Captain Peacock. I know you can't, but you'll do

as you're told.

Mr. Humphreys, I take it you have no objection to having a lady behind the

counter? I have absolutely no feelings on the matter whatsoever.

I would prefer the Pallone Ranger to remove her mask.

Well, places, everyone.

Thank you, sister.

Nice to talk to an intelligent woman. You put

one finger wrong, and I'll have you improved to Mr. Rumbold.

With a threat like that hanging over me head, I wouldn't dare put a finger

wrong.

Take these back to the fitting room.

Oh, I beg your pardon, madam.

I didn't put a finger anywhere.

It's the blue alteration. She's still here.

Oh, Lawrence, you got home yet? No, here.

You can have your onion back. It didn't work.

Well, of course it didn't. You ain't peeled it, have you?

Well, you might have told me.

Well, it's common sense, isn't it? I mean, nobody sticks an onion under their

arm without peeling it, do they?

How did you get on with the soap?

I swallowed it.

You don't deserve the day off. I'm not going to get it, am I?

Well, if Peacock finds you over here, you'll get the sack and you won't have

come in at all, will you? Peacock sent me over here. I've been transferred.

He sent you?

You're serving over here?

You and I'll have a day here, won't you, eh?

I was going to have a better day at my place, wasn't I?

Don't give up, mate.

Don't break your leg.

That might be my only chance.

What have you got in that box?

Half a dozen suspender belts.

Blimey, they're not bringing them back again, are they?

I didn't know they'd ever been away.

They're ugly -looking things, aren't they?

Well, they're not for looking at, are they?

They're for taking up.

Here. Here, I've got that new crafty catch there. Look. Oh, yeah. Listen,

had a lot of trouble with this new catch on bras, you know.

Yeah. I've mastered it now, though. I've got it down to about eight seconds.

Eight seconds? Yeah.

Here, watch this.

Just one more kiss before we say goodnight, Miss Brown.

Yeah, well, she wasn't struggling.

They're all marked alphabetically. B for braces, G for gloves.

Where's A for anchor chain?

It comes under H for haberdashery.

Oh, what are these jockey shorts?

Jockey shorts.

Do jockeys come in here?

Of course not. They're just a sexy line in men's underwear.

Jockey shows.

Well, you know, if anybody shouts they're off, you know you're on your way

the winning card.

In a dream world.

And down here we've got Y -fronts. Oh, now do you have a Y -back?

No, strangely enough, there's not much call for those, do you?

Yes, Mr. Granger. Send that girl back to her own department.

She's been succumbed to us, Mr. Granger.

Being what? Placed here at Captain Peacock's request.

Oh, we'll soon see this back.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

At present, yes.

Could I have a word with you?

Yes, what is it?

Well, I have a very serious complaint.

Well, I'm assisting at this counter.

Oh. Oh.

Well, you see the suit I'm wearing?

Well, I'm not very happy in it.

Oh.

I can quite understand that, madam. It is a bit old -fashioned, isn't it?

You want something new.

New? But it is new. I bought it here yesterday.

Let me have another look.

Ah, yes, it's one of our revival lines.

An echo of the 40s.

Well, you see, I think...

I'm not very happy with the fit, and I feel that it's all a bit too loose.

Yes, well, it's the trouble with some of the Revival lines. They are a bit on

the loose side, you know.

Let me have a look and see what size it was.

Oh, yes, a Revive 45.

Well, I would like a smaller size.

I'm afraid we can't do that, madam, on account of the fact you've already worn

it, you see.

However, we can soon have it altered for you.

Now, let me just see how it fits. Put your arms up.

How is it under the arms? Oh, yes, and down.

Oh, that is cosy, isn't it?

I mean, it's a cosy fit.

Yes, it is.

Could I have my hands back, please?

Now, how is it on the chest?

Oh, I'm not complaining about the chest.

Neither am I.

It's the skirt.

Ah.

I'll just get me chalk.

You'll need a bigger piece than that.

about on the skirt, madam?

Oh, well, it's a little bit embarrassing. It's what they call the

Well, we specialise in derrieres, madam.

My Jewish friends call me Lucas the Tukus, you know.

What is the problem?

Oh, well, it seems to droop at the back.

The derriere or the skirt?

The skirt.

The skirt droops down there. Ah, yes, of course. What we need is a tuck in

there.

You can't do that, you see, because when I sit down, it'll ride up.

Quite right, madam, quite right. No tucks in the deck.

Well, you see, actually, it's the waist.

Look, you can get your hand right in there.

Oh, really?

Let me have a look.

Oh, yes. Oh, hold on.

I've dropped the... chalk down there.

Don't move.

No, I won't.

I'm trying

to find me chalk.

I think it's wedged in the customer's derriere.

I can't leave me chalk in there. I've got to...

I'm going to jump about a bit.

What seems to be the trouble?

The lady was two inches off the waist to counteract her drooping derriere.

Oh, I see. Oh, that's quite a small alteration, madam. A day or so,

where you live.

I live in London.

Oh, well, that's quite simple, isn't it, Mr. Lucas? Yes, of course. What could

be simpler than a London derriere?

Can I have the drone?

Yes. Fetch me a pair of trousers like these, will you, lad?

I don't actually fetch anything, sir.

Well, argue me.

I don't serve, sir. I just direct the customers.

If you would excuse me a moment.

Mr. Granger?

Yes, Captain Peacock.

Are you free?

Mr.

Humphrey? Yes, Captain Peacock. Are you free?

Yes, I'm free, Captain.

A pair of trousers for the gentleman.

Yes. Is that all you do?

Yes. Oh, cushy job.

The customer is always right, sir.

Walk this way, sir.

What colour was it you had in mind?

Porn.

We are, sir. Now then, your waist.

Excuse me.

We're not holding it in, are we?

Thirty -four.

Inside leg?

I don't know.

Miss Jones?

Take the gentleman's inside leg.

You must be joking.

Come on, dear.

No, it's not ladylike.

Well, I do it.

What are you afraid of?

The unknown.

Tell you what, I'll give you an estimate.

I'll tell you what, come round here with me and hold this tape measure.

Now hold it there quite still. Would you step this way, sir?

Excuse me a moment.

You'll find it'll ride up with work.

Well, Mr Lucas, I can't be many more minutes.

I'm just finishing my coffee break.

I'm sure you won't mind folding the horse.

Oh, blimey, you still here, mate?

Well, what does it look like?

Another ten minutes and my bird will have flown.

I think I can help you, dear.

Hold on. Hold on a minute.

Oh, deary, deary me, look what I've done.

I've spilt slippery polish all over the floor.

I do hope no one slips on it.

They might break a leg.

He's injured himself. He'll have to go out for the rest of the afternoon.

Am I being too subtle for you?

No?

Well, give it a try.

He's broken his leg, sir.

Mr. Humphries, a ring for an ambulance. Shall we get into hospital?

No, it's all right. I've only sprained it. Just let me go home and get into bed

for the afternoon. I'll be as right as rain.

How did you die from my office? What's happening? Accident, Mr. Rumbolt. Mr.

Lucas has sprained his ankle, sir. Oh, poor fellow.

I can smell a strong smell of peppermint around here.

Unless I'm much mistaken, I can smell rum.

Ah, yeah, I was just giving Mr.

Lucas a bit.

Isn't a laugh?

I think he's quite able to carry on, sir.

Don't be so callous, Peacock. We're not in the desert now.

He wasn't in the desert then.

Come on, Mr. Lucas. I hope you don't tap. He will send you straight home.

you very much, Mr. Rumbold. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Come on.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning.

What's the matter with young Mr. Lucas?

Oh, it's nothing serious, sir. Just a sprained ankle. Yes, I'm just going home

to jump straight into bed.

Nonsense, nonsense.

You can't take a chance with an ankle.

Sit there.

Put him into my Rolls Royce.

And drive me straight home. And drive him straight to the hospital.

I will, sir, until he's coming.

Yes, make sure he gets a proper X -ray.

and make an appointment with Dr.

Garstang for this afternoon.

He's the best in the country.

Most generous, sir.

When Grace Brothers take care of you, you can forget your worries and pains.

Yes, you can forget all your pleasures as well.

Carry on, everybody.

You're all looking very well.

Oh, dear, have I missed something? Yes, Mr. Lucas slipped on the stairs, fell

down. Mr. Rumbold came in and said, Oh, dear, you must have the day off.

Then, Mr. Young, Mr. Pickford, I'll push a note to you under the...