Original subtitles

Ground floor, perfumery, veterinary and leather goods, waste and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food going off.

First floor, telephone, just ready made.

Cabin peacocks coming up in the lift now. Right.

Places, everybody.

Places. Quickly. Now, as soon as the lift gates open, you will all applaud,

then I shall present Captain Peacock with his 20 -year service badge.

Rather an emotional moment.

20 years in this place is almost as much as the train robber's got.

Captain Peacock, in acknowledgement of your... Mr. Luke, the buttons!

Too late. Have lost him? Cut off in his moment of glory.

basement.

Shouldn't we just follow him? Quick, yes, into the other room. Come on.

Right.

Justin, he's coming.

Philip's coming up again. He's coming back.

They've gone, stupid lot.

May I say that this comes as a great... Where are they? They've gone down to the

basement with your medal.

Stupid.

missed him. Well, you've just missed him again. He's gone down to the basement

to look for you. Oh, come on.

We'll stick him here. We'll stick him there. It's like looking for the Scarlet

Pimpernel.

Hang on. It's back again. It's coming. Oh, places, everybody. Quickly now.

Thanks.

I'd like to say it gives me great pleasure.

It gives me great pleasure at all.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I'm going back to my counter. The moment has rather lost its magic.

Oh, yes. Send him to my office when he comes in.

I'm here. I'm here.

I'm here.

Right places, everybody.

Captain Peacock, in acknowledgement of your 20 -year service here at Grace

Brothers, it gives me much pleasure to present you with this badge.

The letters GB in 22 -carat gold plate.

It's a complete surprise to me, and I'm most touched, not to say honoured.

In addition, and as a special token of your particularly excellent service

the management are taking the unusual step of presenting you with this key.

What's it for? Your flat?

It's the key to the executive washroom.

The key to the executive washroom?

Yes. I really didn't expect this.

It is indeed an honour. The key to the executive washroom.

I've served here for 35 years and I've never been one. You must be thirsty.

Well, I've been here longer than Peacock and I have to muck in with the rest.

I have a further announcement to make.

Not another honour, sir. That would be too much.

Yes, it would.

No, this doesn't really concern you directly. I just wish to remind you all

About the change in the lunch break.

Oh, yes. Well, the management feels that we are losing a lot of trade by closing

between one and two.

So in future, we will take our lunch break between two and three. I don't

my stomach can hang out that long.

Well, it's been hanging out for the last ten years.

Mr. Granger, would you inform your junior that if he doesn't watch his

when speaking to a lady, he'll get a butt round the ear hole?

Door's open to your counters.

Captain Peacock, one more thing.

Regarding your application for an increase in salary. Oh, yes, sir. It has

been approved.

Indeed.

Sorry to hear that.

I am, however, here to tell you that the management has seen fit to extend to

you the privilege of using the executive dining room.

Executive dining room?

See you at lunch, Stephen.

Thank you, Cuthbert.

It's still Mr Rumble.

I'm sorry, sir.

Please forgive me. The key to the executive washroom went to my head.

I quite understand.

Look at him flaunting it.

I've wanted that key all my life.

You're not management, Mr Granger. No, you're not even in line for the throne.

Are you being served, sir? Well, it's hardly likely. I've just stepped out of

the lift.

In that case, I will rephrase the question.

Can I help you, sir?

I'm looking for a bow.

A bow?

Tie, violin or Robin Hood?

Very funny.

Do forgive me, sir. I'm in a rather frivolous mood today. You see, this is

anniversary. I've been with Grace Brothers 20 years now.

Well, in that case, you'll know where I can buy a clip -on bow tie.

A clip -on bow tie?

Yes, a clip -on bow tie. You know the sort. I know what they are, sir.

Mr. Granger, are you free?

Yes, I'm free.

This gentleman wants a clip -on bow tie.

A clip -on bow tie.

A clip -on bow tie.

I'm very sorry. I'm afraid I can't help you, Captain Peacock. I'm just going to

the staff bog.

Are you available for a clip -on bow tie?

I have never been available for a clip -on bow tie.

Mr. Lucas will attend to the customer. Forward, Mr. Lucas.

Thank you very much, Mr. Humphreys. Good morning, sir. Did I hear you say you

were interested in a clip -on bow tie? That's right, that's right.

Didn't you be kind enough to just take your tie off, sir?

Let me help you.

Now then.

There we are, sir. One clip -on bow tie.

The springs on these are very strong, you know. They're so strong, we've told

quite a lot of mousetraps.

There we are.

How does it look? How does it look, Mr. Humphreys?

Awful.

Oh, it's not your fault, sir. It's the clip -on bow tie.

Why are you trying to sell me an awful tie?

We're not trying to sell it to you, sir. You said you wanted it.

Nobody's wearing them much at the moment. No, except you.

What occasion was it you wanted it for, sir?

Well, it's an army reunion.

Oh, no.

Sir wouldn't want the rest of his regiment to think that he'd gone to the

would he?

Talking about I've got my own building firm.

Well, no one would ever guess it, sir. A bow tie like that.

What do you suggest?

Well, sir, excuse me, for two pounds, sir, you could have a pre -tied velvet

a piece of elastic.

A lot of people are wearing these, aren't they, Mr. Humphreys? Oh, yes,

are. Yes, they are. They are, Mr. Humphreys, yes. That is, of course, if

can't afford a proper one. Proper one? What do you mean, a proper one? A

handmade, watered silk.

Oh, that's a little... They are five pounds.

Oh, that's all right. I can afford that.

Sale, Mr. Lucas. I'll make up the bill, Mr. Humphreys.

Anything is...

How do you tie it? There's a diagram inside the box.

Show me how you tie yours.

Oh, I couldn't possibly do that. I always wear one of these.

So I said to him, I said, young man, I said, if you don't take your hand off my

knee at once, I'm getting off this bar stool and going home.

And did he?

He did not.

So you went home?

Eventually.

Anyway, he's taking me to the picture tonight to apologise.

I do hope he behaves himself on the back row.

How do you know you're going to be in the back row?

I've booked.

Morning, ladies.

Oh, good morning, Mr Mash. Here we are then.

Six jumpers.

Six pairs of earmuffs.

And I've brought up these 24 pairs of Sensi -Touch rubber gloves.

Sensi -Touch rubber gloves?

Been listening to the artists lately, have you?

in the kitchen department.

Well, they are, but they all did a thousand pairs too many, you see. They

to shift them.

Oh, I've got a fancy type display model as well.

Hey, oh, look at that.

Airtight and watertight, guaranteed.

But what's it for?

Oh, what's a day, Ange, what you care for so much?

Can still play the piano with a sensitive touch.

I don't make them, lady.

I just deliver them, as the midwife said to the bishop.

Captain Peacock?

Captain Peacock!

Are you free?

Not at the moment, Mrs. Logan.

Can I help you, madam?

No, thank you.

Are you free now, Captain Peacock?

Yes, Mrs. Logan.

Just look at this monstrosity.

I have already seen this excellent display model, approved it, and given

authority for it to be used on your counter.

I see.

Then I shall have to go through you to Mr. Rombaud.

Are you sure you want to question the decision of your superior, Mrs. Locke?

Captain Peacock, you may have the key to the top person's toilet, but you are in

no way my superior.

And women live longer than men.

I don't see what that has to do with it.

I know, but I just thought I'd tell you.

For the last time, Mrs. Slocum, do you wish to question my judgment?

Yes, Captain Solomon Peacock, I do. In that case, I shall have to put the

before Mr. Rumbold without further delay.

Good. And may I say that I disapprove of your using this rude tone to me in

front of a junior.

Captain Peacock, I'm so sorry.

Miss Brown...

Would you mind removing yourself a few paces and covering your ears? Yes, Mrs.

Slocum.

Pompous twit.

What will you do if Rumbold approves? I'm not taking any chances. Pass me the

scissors. Just once more. I think we're getting somewhere.

A little bit closer.

Up and over, make a bow.

Through the hole.

and there we go.

It's quite simple, isn't it, sir? Now, I'll have a go on you.

Wrong way.

Up and over. Make a bow.

Mrs. Sirton, are you free?

At the moment, yes.

I have told Mr. Rumble that you wish to defy my executive decision that the

sensor touch display unit is suitable for your counter.

and he has come over to give his executive ruling to dispose of the

and for all. Yes, well, I haven't actually seen it before, but I'm sure if

Captain Peacock likes it, then it must be all right. Oh, it's right up Captain

Peacock's street.

May I show you? Please.

Can I help you, sir? The ladies, please.

Lingerie or powder room?

I'd hardly be wanting the powder room.

Just a little joke, sir. Only just.

Mrs. Sercombe.

May I assist you, sir?

Yes, I want to buy a dress.

Certainly, sir. About what age?

Forty -ish. Oh, the younger middle -age range. Quickly, Miss Brahms.

And about what size?

It's for me.

Hold the reins, Miss Brahms.

I beg your pardon, sir.

It's for a fancy dress party.

Oh, I see. All the men are going with girls, and the girls are going with men.

How amusing.

Very gay.

Tea for Miss Blonde.

Would sir raise his arms? There we are.

Forty -two, including the spectacle case.

a couple of oranges would get a big laugh.

Tangerines will get a bigger one.

I want something under ten pounds.

Something from the Cotton Seconds, Miss Brown.

From the maternity ring.

Can I try it on?

Not in my department, you frown.

You have to use the men's.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

You called me, Mrs. Legrim.

This gentleman is going to a fancy do and wishes to use the gents' facilities

try it on.

Yes, the gentleman's department would be more suitable this way, if you please,

sir. Thank you.

Mr. Granger, are you free?

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock, but I'm just going to have my coffee in the staff

case.

Humphreys, are you free?

I'm busy pricing my ties, Captain Peacock. The gentleman wishes to try on

dress. I'm free.

fancy dress party.

Oh, yes, sir. They all say that.

Well, they're throwing very nicely, sir.

They're very snug, too.

Too snug, I'm afraid.

I need a larger size in jacket and trousers.

Oh, dear.

Perhaps I should try something with a bold check.

A bold check.

I'll hang this up here for you, sir, while you transform yourself.

Yes, I'm afraid we haven't got much in check. Ah, here we are, sir. How about

this one?

Ah, yes.

What do you think? Is it me?

Well, it's certainly not the dress.

You know, I don't know why men do it. It's going to look awful in a dress.

Yes, it didn't look all that much in the trousers.

Ah, well, here we are, sir.

And there's your old... Jacket and trousers in the back.

Excellent fit. It feels worn in already. Yes, very nice.

We told one of those to Robin Day the other day, you know.

When he retires, he's going to work as the test card.

What have you done with that check suit?

Sold to my customer, Mr. Humphrey. Oh, our aid.

They never should have let Mr. Humphrey's fit in.

He's been in there for hours.

He's probably trying to cut him into an ant bag.

You just have to give me a new suit, that's all.

Sorry, sir.

I'll try and find you something.

Look, you'd better wait in here. I can't. I'd die to spend a penny. Oh,

look here.

Hitch your skirt up and speak with a Scottish accent.

Can I help you, sir or madam, as the case may be?

I want the gents.

At the top of the stairs.

Thanks. You should have used the powder room when I first suggested it.

What time is it?

One o 'clock. Oh, another hour to lunch. I wonder if Mr Granger will lend me his

chair.

You do look a bit peaky, Mr Humphries. Well, I'm not surprised. I've had no

breakfast. A friend of mine was supposed to do some shopping for me and he let

me down.

This morning I got up. I thought, oh, I wonder what's in the fridge.

When I got there, the cupboard was bare.

Well, that's not like you, Mr Humphrey.

It's not. I usually keep a bit of something tucked away.

You never know when it's going to be a rainy day, do you? That's true.

Anyway, I found an egg and I boiled some water. And, you know, could I find my

egg timer? No.

Right.

So I picked up the phone and I dialled the operator.

Did he know where your egg timer was?

No.

Surprising. I'll smack your wrists in a minute.

Anyway, I said to him, could I have an alarm call, please, at three minutes

eight? He said, it's eight o 'clock already.

I said, I know that, but I'm boiling an egg.

He got quite nasty, but he had a very nice voice.

Anyway, by the time we'd made it up, the water had boiled dry, the egg was like

a golf ball, and I had to run for my boss.

There must be something in the Patriot.

Delaying our canteen lunch is a contravention of human rights.

Eating our canteen lunch is a contravention of human rights.

I'm going to phone the factory inspector.

I know how he feels.

If my win gets any worse, I'll have to hoist gale warnings.

I can't stand this. I'm going to see if I can organise something.

Oh, I'm starving.

So am I. But I've taken steps to keep going.

Quick, while Peacock's not looking.

I'll call the calculator.

Yep, it'll be perking any minute.

Oh, smashing, I could just do with that. Hang on, Peacock's coming.

Looking forward to your lunch, ladies.

By two o 'clock, that canteen will seem like the Savoy.

Yes, I'm sorry I shan't be joining you there as usual.

Oh, going on a diet again?

No, but not only have I the key to the executive washroom, but from now on I

shall be taking my lunch in the executive restaurant.

I just thought you'd like to know.

Oh, you're Lord Muck now, aren't you?

Yes.

Well, I'm looking forward to it. It'll be very nice to have a... choice of wine

with one's chicken fricassee. Oh, is that what they call the rissoles up

I'm having a rissole right now.

When I was in the Western Desert, of course, we were trained to go for long

periods without food and water.

You learned it from the camels, I suppose.

I was just making the point that I'm able to cope with the situation more

than you are. Don't worry about me. My stomach can hold on as long as yours

Robbo would have heard that from ten miles away.

Have you found the factors, Inspector?

No, no. I had a change of heart.

I've been very well treated at Gracie's and it won't be very long before I

retire. I wouldn't like to be branded as a troublemaker.

A word in your ear, Ernest?

Yes, Captain Peacock.

I'm sorry if my elevation to the executive washroom upset you. I mean, I

have refused it, but...

Well, that might be construed as taking a stand against the management.

Yes, Captain Peacock. I think you'd be far better off standing with the

management. I'm glad you see it that way.

Oh, it's only just that I had hoped that one day I should have that key.

Well, no hard feelings then, Alice? Oh, no hard feelings at all.

I'd be delighted if you'd have lunch with me today in the canteen.

Well, I'm afraid I can't. You see, from now on, I have to take my lunch in the

executive dining room.

The executive dining room?

The executive dining room?

A glass of water for Mr. Green, sir. I don't want a glass of water.

Where's that paper?

Tell you, stomach, everything's all right. I tricked it. All we've got to

Get Peacock off the floor. Have you got some sandwiches? No, I've done better

than that. Get rid of Peacock.

Slocum, ladies.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Slocum.

It's Miss Williams here, a count.

Could you tell Captain Peacock that one of his figures is in dispute and we'd

like to see him up here immediately?

Very well.

Captain Peacock?

Yes, Mrs. Slocum.

You're wanted in accounts.

Thank you, Mrs. Lewis.

Mr. Humphreys, I'm wanted up in accounts.

Are you really, Captain Peacock?

Yes, Mr. Humphreys.

Would you take over for me while I'm away?

Would you like me to take over standing here or walking about?

Don't be facetious, Mr. Humphreys. That's a perfectly proper question.

And my answer is that I wish you to take over for me as floor walker while I'm

away. Very well, Captain Peacock.

go back to the window.

Stop messing about. Now get up by the lift and press the button three times.

Welcome to Massey's Meals on Wheels.

Get your soup off me.

Mull of the tawny or mind -strung steaming on or already blown.

Cover it.

There we go.

Sorry, second sitting in ten minutes.

I

never

did like lentil soup.

Shatter's pie.

You always did like adventure.

When I went past, the flies were enjoying it.

Oh, never mind.

Put plenty of that brown sauce on. You won't see their footprints.

I'm really going to enjoy this.

What did you settle for, then? Melon ball.

Unusual.

Mr. Granger, would you take a whiff of this pilchard and give me your opinion?

not, Mrs.

Slocum. It might put me off my road mop hearing.

Can I tell you one thing, Mrs. Slocum, about that pilchard?

It's definitely dead.

Yes, which is well to be said for that green thing that's walking across your

lettuce.

Tough little monkeys, aren't they?

They have to be to eat that lettuce.

Got it.

Ooh, it's right. Put me off eating.

It's giving him a lot of energy as well.

Isn't it disgusting?

That's nothing. He always eats his soup like that. If you want something really

disgusting, get him some spaghetti.

I meant the conditions in the stock canteen are disgusting.

I've been to wait an extra hour for this.

I don't think it'll happen again.

Mr. Granger phoned the factory inspector.

Well done, Mr. Granger. Yes, I did.

But apparently Captain Peacock had complained earlier about the extra late

luncheon. He said that it upset his desert stomach.

Yeah, the inspector said they've got no right to make us eat late. Then he took

one look at this place and went off to see young Mr. Grace.

I shall be interested to hear his report. If he had anything to eat here,

be a loud one.

I think they're taking him to the executive dining room.

Oh, no, there goes Rumble.

But he doesn't get things crawling about on his lettuce in the executive dining

room.

They don't care, you know, as long as they're all right.

That's all right, isn't it? What?

Mr Mash?

Well, I'm bending my knees, aren't I?

That makes my bottom go plonk on the chair.

Oh, sitting down.

This has always been our departmental table.

Yeah, well, I know that, but as Captain Peacock's gone up in the world, I

thought I'd take his place.

There's a vacancy over there by the pig bin.

Charming, isn't it, eh?

One of these days, mates, we'll all be equal. Then I'll be in the executive

dining room.

Hang on, here comes Peacock. Oh, making his maiden voyage to the executive

dining room.

He didn't even speak to us.

All power corrupts.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Snorkel for Mr. Granger.

Ah,

Peacock, welcome to the club. Do be done.

Will you join me in a glass of wine? Oh, thank you very much, sir.

Thank you.

That'll be 25 pence.

Oh, no, no, no, not now. Later will do.

Thank you very much.

Excuse me, sir.

Thank you.

Soup du jour, lentil, the roll mop herring, the pelched salad, a

shepherd's pie.

To follow an apri -wheat mint.

Great improvement on next door, eh?

Yes, we think so.

Your health, sir.

Amusing little wine, isn't it?

Hilarious.

Peruvian Beaujolais.

Thank you.

Yes, I must remember that.

Well, this is a great moment for me, sir.

When one struggles, one does one's best.

One fails frequently, and occasionally one succeeds.

And then finally, after a long journey, one arrives.

Don't get up.

I'm sorry to spoil your lunch, but I'm having trouble with the factory

inspector. Somebody from one of the departments sent for him, and it

that the canteen is too small for the number of people using it.

Yes, I was aware that it should be a hundred square feet bigger, sir, but

can one do?

Where there's a will, there's a way. Either having the whole thing locked

one. What about the executive dining room?

That's the least of your troubles.

You've got to use the start bulb as well.