Original subtitles

I do not answer to ear, Mr. Maxwell.

All right, then.

Oi!

What is it, Mr Mash?

Did you put in an order for 27 galvanised buckets?

And what would I be doing in ladies' department with 27 galvanised buckets?

This is ladies' department, not a farmyard.

Well, you could be milking a jersey.

Mash.

Half of all the catching.

Sorry I can't salute you, sir.

Have you taken leave of your senses?

I am trying to ascertain, sir, who ordered 27 galvanised buckets? Obviously

nobody on this floor.

Well, hardware denies all knowledge of them.

I know.

I'll try musical instruments.

Mr.

Mares, please.

Sorry, Captain.

Say, oh!

We've had these for years.

I think they were a special offer for the Jubilee.

It says here, as worn by Princess Margaret Rose.

Oh, yes.

Oh, they were very popular.

Well, if they were so popular, how come we've got so many left?

They were only popular with Princess Margaret Rose.

Well, how much are they?

Oh, well, what does it say on the ticket?

Two and eleven pence, three farming.

We can't put that.

Well, what's that in new money?

Well, we've had devaluation, inflation, decimalisation, purchase tax, VAT,

or put unrepeatable at 40p.

And what about the Margaret Rose?

Put as worn by Princess Anne at Badminton. You can't wear these to play

Badminton.

Oh, give over.

Are you being served, madam?

Yes. No, I'd like to try one of these Princess Anne hats, please.

Oh, certainly, madam.

They have just come in. Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Oh.

Very becoming.

Isn't it, Miss Brown?

Yes. They're all wearing them for badminton.

What, four pounds?

Oh, no, that's supposed to be four. It's supposed to be...

fifty, but they've been reduced.

Quite reasonable according to today's standards.

Yes, madam, we think so too.

So, Miss Brahms... The combinations are

shrunk, sir, but it is advisable to wash them in lukewarm water.

Or better still, no water at all. My old grandad used to send his combinations

to the dry cleaners, you know.

Well, I rinse mine in the bath.

And they let the wind dry them.

It's pure magic in your house.

There we are. Thank you very much. Good morning, sir.

Thank you for your cutting, sir.

Can I help you, sir?

So... So... Can I help you, sir?

So.

So.

You want it by?

So. So.

Mr. Lucas, chop, chop.

I beg your pardon, Captain Peacock. Forward, Mr. Lucas.

Credit card.

You, Mr.

Cato.

I, Peacock.

How do you do, Mr.

I, Peacock? So.

So.

This, Honorable Mr.

Humphreys. Humphreys, so.

And this, Honorable Mr. Lucas.

Lucas, so.

No, no, Lucas.

Lucas. No, Lucas. You must understand, Mr. Lucas.

that this gentleman is Japanese and he has difficulty getting his tongue round

his eyes.

You know, I would have thought it was just a matter of practice.

What does the customer require, Captain Peacock?

I'll try to find out. Yes, of course. You were out east, weren't you? Hmm.

What he wanted.

I beg your pardon?

I think the customer wishy raincoat, Mr. Lucas.

Rumbold for Captain Peacock. Doesn't sound like Mr. Rumbold.

I'm Mr. Rumbold's new temporary secretary.

Mr. Rumbold would like to see Captain Peacock in his office.

In that case, I shall acquaint Captain Peacock with Mr. Rumbold's wishes.

Oh, you're very obliging. Only to a point.

Captain Peacock, Mr. Rumbold's office. Chop, chop.

What was the last thing I said? Would I please get them off?

I beg your pardon?

The letters.

You wanted me to catch the post.

Oh, yes. No. What I meant was, what was the last thing I said in the memo to

young Mr. Grace?

I am both flattered and honoured that you are considering me

for the vacant paste on the beard of doctors.

vacant post on the board of directors.

Sorry, my shorthand.

Of course, I would readily accept, if selected, signed yours cruelly.

Yours truly.

I'm sorry.

Yes, well, that will be all.

Try to be a bit more accurate, Miss Ainsworth.

Yes, Mr Rumble.

I want that to go off tonight. I don't want any correspondence delayed the way

it was yesterday.

Of course not, Mr Rumble.

You have to be very firm with these girls these days, you know.

You seem to be getting results.

Well, sit down, Peacock. Thank you, sir.

Now, as you've probably heard... Peacock.

Yes? Yes. As you've probably heard, Mr. Theobald is retiring from the Board of

Directors due to continued ill health.

Yes. Two bottles a day, I believe.

Well, that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, they've been preparing a short list of suitable people with the

necessary qualifications and requirements, which are, of course,

experience, integrity, etc.

And I thought it right, only right, that you should be the first to know. And so

that's why I sent for you.

Well, of course, it doesn't come as a complete surprise to me, sir.

And I need hardly add that I'm both flattered and honoured, and if selected

the post, would readily accept.

Captain Peacock...

I feel I should explain that I'm the one who's being considered. And if I do get

the job, I was intending to recommend that you should take over here.

I see.

Well, you don't seem too pleased about it.

Well, I'm not at all sure that a clerical job is right up my street.

I do so enjoy having the friendly, personal contacts with people.

And, um...

On the other hand, I'm not sure that I will entirely lose it.

£17 .50, sir. There's your receipt and your credit card.

So... Oh, my word.

Breathe? You've got a cross on your fate line.

Breathe? Plus.

Plus on fate line.

Me really handy -pandy.

Cross means accident.

Accident? Yes. Cross means crash.

Clash means class.

Yes. Something like that.

Me no need class.

Me got credit card.

Yes.

Go home. Go home.

Sayonara. So.

Yes. Quanto le gustos.

What's all that? rubbish about a cross on his fate line.

Well, there are certain times when I see things.

Oh, you'd be like a fortune teller. Oh, yes, and I'm not usually wrong.

Shall I give him a hand?

No. He'll be in haberdashery by now. Let them deal with it.

I think I'm going to go and check.

I'm not sure anybody is. Well, I warned him.

You warned him about what?

He saw it in his hand.

Saw what in his hand? Well, I saw an accident in his hand and I told him. You

never. He did. I heard him. I didn't know you could read hands.

No, it runs in the family.

My father noticed something funny about me when I was six.

I've got to be in the mood.

Well, you was in the mood when you rolled in that Chinaman thing.

He was Japanese.

Same thing.

Anyway, the vibrations have got to be right. I'll try over lunch.

Here. That nip that fell down the stairs has got his head wedged in one of my

buckets.

Poor man.

And so far from home.

I hope he's got an account because him and the bucket's on the way to the

hospital and he wouldn't pay cash.

the coffee?

There's only one spoon.

Don't worry, I'll use my finger. Remind her to don't melt your nail varnish.

I prefer to use my pencil.

The taste of the wood takes my mind off the coffee.

Come on, can we do it now?

Well, don't rush me. I'm trying to take the taste away of this cottage pie.

How did it start?

I think it's yesterday's Lancashire hot pot.

When you first found out you had this gift?

Well, I used to have these funny turns, you see.

When I was about 15, I had the sensation of floating out of me body and looking

down at meself lying in bed in me pyjamas.

What were you doing?

Oh, nothing. I was just lying there.

Oh, isn't it creepy?

Of course, I've learnt to do it at will since then. I can pop out of me body

whenever I like.

Oh, I wish I could.

If I had a body like hers, I wouldn't come back.

Just a joke.

Just a joke, Mrs. Slocum. When I first joined Greek Brothers, juniors weren't

allowed to sit with Athenians.

You are.

Well, lots of people leave their bodies at night, but they don't remember it.

I have dreams like that. Quite often I dream I'm flying around in the air with

no clothes on.

and all my friends are looking up at me, and I wake up and I'm blushing all

over. You don't want to be embarrassed by that.

Well, it's humiliating.

Well, try flying on your back.

I often dream that I'm wandering about the house looking for something.

Do you find it?

It fortunately is.

Last night on the way back, I fell over the cat.

You know, animals are very sightly.

I mean, the least sign of danger, and my pussy's hair stands on end like this.

Really?

It's better than a burger alarm, isn't it?

Go on, then. It'll be going back time soon. See if you can see anything.

Right. Oh, you have a very pronounced Mount of Venus.

Mr. Lucas, one soccer amount from... you, I go straight to Captain Peacock.

He's never said a word.

Your heart rules your head.

Now, let me see. How many affairs have you had?

Oh, yes.

One, two.

Oh, that's a big one.

I don't think we want to go into the past.

What about the future?

Well, you have a very long lifeline.

You'll live well past middle age.

Now, that's the present she wants to know about the future.

clear. What is?

Well, I can see a man at your feet.

He's tall and distinguished.

Who is it?

I can't see. He won't turn round.

You can pop out of your body and go round and have a look.

What's he doing? Well, all I can tell you is that he's lying at your feet.

Would you believe it?

I said he was never too late.

I didn't know that Mr Humphrey was a palmist.

Oh, yeah. Not only that, he can pop out of his pyjamas whenever he feels like

it.

that I thought only I knew about.

There must have been somebody else there, surely.

Captain Peacock, why don't you let Mr Humphreys have a look at your hand?

Oh, no, I don't believe in that sort of thing. Oh, go on, Captain Peacock,

unless, of course, you've got some terrible secret what you want kept

Oh, very well, then.

But I... I only have a moment.

Oh,

well, look at that.

Born to lead.

Look at that prominent forefinger.

A very ambitious hand.

Oh, and such a long lifeline.

Look, it goes right round here, splits itself into two and shoots right up his

sleeve.

What does that mean?

He's going to die of old age in a railway tunnel.

Such a lot of lines.

Your head rules your heart. It's big enough.

I can see an opportunity.

Really? Something to do with your job.

Go on. Well, I see you, as it were, climbing a ladder.

And then a door opens and you find yourself wearing a new hat.

Remarkable. Am I right?

Well, I wasn't going to mention this, but this morning I was informed that Mr.

Theobald might be leaving because of ill health.

Two bottles a day, I'm told.

And I was told that I should stand by to...

Take over Mr. Rumbold's position.

Well, that's it.

Climbing the ladder.

Well, certainly taking over from Mr. Rumbold is the door opening.

Yeah, and he'll definitely have to have a new hat because then he'll be allowed

to wear one of those stupid -looking bowlers.

Quite remarkable.

Now, let me see the back of your left hand.

Oh, yes.

What can you tell from that?

We'll lay it back from lunch.

Come on.

Are you free?

Yes, I'm free, Mr. Granger. I would like a word with you.

Not you, Mr. Lucas.

This is for Mr.

Humphreys here alone.

What can I do for you, Mr. Granger? Well, I wanted to say, Mr.

Humphreys, for the last few weeks, I've been watching the way in which you've

been handling the customers.

Ah, well, I can explain that, Mr. Granger. You see...

To say is that I've been very impressed with your performance in Trousers. Oh,

thank you, Mr. Drake.

Well, the whole point is that if Captain Peacock goes up, well, somebody else

has got to take over the position as floor walker. Well, you are going to

recommend me.

Recommend you?

Certainly not.

I'm going to recommend me.

Well, what are we talking about, then?

Well, I am going to suggest to Captain Peacock that you take over my position.

Do you think you could cope? Oh, I'm sure I could, Mr. Granger, especially

your hand to guide me.

And do you... Do you think that Lucas is capable of taking over from you?

With my hand to guide him?

Well, better consult him. Are you free, Mr. Lucas?

Yes, you have just caught me at a free moment, Mr. Umbridge.

Now, Mr. Lucas, if Mr. Rumbold takes over from Mr.

Theobald, it's very likely that Captain Peacock will take over from Mr. Rumbold,

in which case Mr. Granger may take over from Captain Peacock.

Therefore, I shall take over Mr. Granger's duties, which will leave my

vacant. Do you think you could cope with it?

Wouldn't it be simpler if I took over from Mr. Theobald?

It is a serious responsibility we are discussing, Mr. Lucas. Oh, yes, I can

that, Mr. Granger.

I mean, after all, it means instead of standing in the middle of the counter

here, Mr. Humphreys will have to stand at the end of the counter there.

And instead of me standing at the end of the counter here, I shall have to stand

in the middle of the counter there.

It's a very big responsibility, that, Mr. Granger.

I don't really know if I'm ready to cope with it.

Mind you, it's not as big a responsibility for me standing here as

Humphreys standing over there.

I don't envy you, Mr. Humphreys. I'd be a nervous wreck.

Have you finished, Mr. Wilkins?

Well, let me put it another way, Mr. Granger. Do I get more money? Yes. I'll

it.

Very well, then I will confer with Captain Peacock.

Oh, yes, that's it. Are you free, Captain Peacock?

At the moment, Mrs. Slocum.

Well, it's like this.

Stephen, if you do take over from Mr Rumble, that would leave your position

vacant, would it not?

That is true, yes. And I'm sure you will take over, because with your military

background and your big forefinger, you're born to lead.

Yes, I suppose advancement was inevitable.

And I suppose it'll be up to you to recommend someone to take your place.

No doubt it will.

Well, I think that it's time we had a change of sex. on the floor.

I understand that you're recommending Mr. Humphreys.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm recommending me.

You? A woman?

A woman floor walker?

Captain Peacock, women are equal to men these days, you know. Not that equal.

Floor walking has always been a man's job in this department.

I don't see why.

I mean, anybody can stand there with their nose in the air looking stupid.

If that were all that were required, Mrs. Slocum, I would recommend you

hesitation.

Maleshavianistic pig.

I will pretend you haven't said that.

I didn't want the job anyway.

Are you free, Mr. Granger?

Not at the moment, Mr. Humphreys. Oh, only Captain Peacock's free.

Oh. Well, are you free, Mr. Humphreys?

Yes, I'm free, Mr. Granger.

Oh, well, would you mind taking over this customer, please? Pleasure, Mr.

Granger. Right, thank you.

I've already taken his inside leg.

He's looking for something in Scottish tweed with broad shoulders.

Well, we are.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

Just a moment, Mr. Granger.

I'm free now.

I'm delighted to hear of the possibility of your promotion, Stephen.

Thank you, Ernest.

Well deserved.

Inevitable, I should have said.

We've known each other for many years, Stephen.

You're one of my closest acquaintances, Ernest. Oh, it's very nice of you to say

that.

I take it that you will be recommending me?

In what capacity?

For your job, of course.

I rather doubt it.

Doubt it?

Why?

I think it needs a younger man to cope with it. Cope?

Cope? Cope with what?

All you do is to stand there with your nose in the air and say, are you free,

Mr. Granger?

I have to check all the bills and make sure they're properly made out. Well,

damn fool can do that.

And is that the qualification you're offering?

Captain Peacock, as soon as I have had my tea, I shall bring it up in front of

Mr. Rumble.

I can't understand a word you're saying.

I think he wants to talk to you.

Well, who is it?

He sounds like a Japanese with his head stuck in a bucket.

for practical jokes. Put the receiver down. I think I can explain that, sir.

Don't even start, Mr. Lucas.

Now, let's get these complaints over quickly, shall we? It is 5 .30.

To put it in a nutshell, Captain Peacock doesn't fancy a lady floor walker.

No, we only have two lady floor walkers, one in costumery, one in haberdashery.

Which one don't you fancy?

I don't fancy one in menswear.

Good Lord.

We've got one dressed as a man.

I'm specifically referring to Mrs. Slocum.

Ah, oh, so that's the complaint.

Mrs. Slocum has been dressing as a man and it doesn't attract you.

I think I agree.

Don't dress as a man anymore, Mrs. Slocum.

Don't be daft. I haven't been dressing as a man.

It's just that I don't want to be under Mr. Granger on the floor.

There's no danger of that.

Captain Peacock seems to think that I'm parted. I sometimes wonder if, sitting

in this office, I'm missing something.

Well, if there is a vacancy to be filled, I don't see any reason why I

do it. After all, I have had 15 years' experience. What vacancy are we talking

about?

Look, when Captain Peacock takes over your job, we're going to have to have a

new floor walker. Captain Peacock, my possible promotion was supposed to be a

secret. I only got the memo about it yesterday.

No, Captain Peacock didn't tell us about it. He saw it in his hand at lunch.

What were you doing with my memo in your hand at lunch, Captain Peacock?

He didn't have the memo. I read the lines in his hand.

You see, he's a palmist who can see into the future.

And he saw Captain Peacock climb in a ladder, a door opening, and him wearing

new hat. Which means you're getting Mr.

Theobald's job. He's getting yours, which is why I'm applying for his.

But it's by no means certain that I am getting Mr.

Theobald's job.

Well, let Gypsy Rose Humphreys reach around. He'll tell you your future.

Very good.

May I?

No, not that one. That's the one you were born with.

I was born with them both.

No, you see, the left one is what you start out with. The right one is what

make of it and are the changes.

Now, let me see.

Oh!

Well, you've had a very unhappy childhood.

His mother kept polishing his hair with sandpaper.

Let's stick to the future, shall we? Well, I can see a cross.

That's the crossroads in your career.

And I can see a T.

Say a bald.

No, it's a turning point in your life.

When's it going to happen?

Well, I can see leave.

In the autumn.

Well, it's the autumn now.

Yes? Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I'll tell him, sir.

Young Mr.

Grace wants to see you on his way out to the department.

That could be the news.

But we haven't had it up yet. Well, look, sharp about it.

Come on, Mr. Lucas, quickly.

Hurry, hurry up.

You should have seen to this peacock.

Come along, Mrs. Slocum, get those boxes away.

I am doing, only they go on the top shelf in millinery, and I'm no good on

ladder.

Come along, Miss Browns. I'm not...

Rumbled. Yes, Mr. Grace.

A strange thing happened to me this afternoon.

What was that, sir?

My tea bag broke.

I am sorry, Mr. Grace.

I'll speak to the catering manager. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm glad it broke.

Lily, the tea girl, read my tea leaves.

Oh, I hope it was good news, sir.

Well, it was more of a warning.

It said, beware of...

A bald -headed man with big ears.

So you're not getting the job.

Carry on, everybody.

You've all done very well.

Did you hear that? A fine fortune teller you are.

Wasn't far wrong.

I mean, I mentioned the leaves, didn't I? And that cup of tea could have been

the turning point. He didn't get the job, did he? No, he's been turned down.

And what about Mrs.

Slocum with a man at her feet, an old peacock going up a ladder with a door

opening and all that rubbish about him being in a new hat? Well, I can't be

right all the time.

Come on, let's tell Peacock about Rumble.

very good time for me to leave my body.