Original subtitles

for perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

and food.

First floor,

telecoms, gents ready, mate.

Certainly, sir. Mr. Lucas, are you free?

I'm free, Mr. Humphrey. Your customer for the made -to -measure suit.

Ah, good morning, sir. And may I say what a lovely morning it is. One can

feel a touch of spring in the air. Don't you almost feel there's a touch of

spring in the air, Mr. Humphrey? Now that you mention it, Mr. Lucas, I did

a bit frisky about half past seven this morning.

Mind you, it was a waste of time.

Take the gentleman's suit, Mr. Lucas.

One suit coming up, Mr. Granger. I'll take the customer into the changing

Mr. Granger. Put his clothes on a coat hanger and come straight back, mister.

And that's of the main treat in a jack set.

Oh, my girlfriend there last year, we didn't like it. Every time she went out,

she got her bottom pinched.

Well, of course, that only happens to a certain class of person.

I mean, my friend Mrs. Elthrop and me walked up and down there one entire

evening and nothing happened.

Not again this year, are you?

No, I think I'll try somewhere else.

I've decided on Tunisia. I feel in the mood for palm trees and deserts. Oh,

well, that's funny, because my girlfriend went there the year before

I didn't like that either, because she got tangled up with this shape that

wanted to put her in his arm.

Oh, yes.

Where exactly was that?

Naughty postcards, Mrs. Slocum?

No, they're photographs of my holiday last year, Captain Peacock. Perhaps we

could have a look at them after hours, eh, Mrs. Slocum? No, we couldn't have a

look at them at all, Captain Peacock.

Let him see that one of you in your bikini.

Oh, no, Miss Brown.

Go on.

By Jove, yes.

I just don't care when I'm on the continent.

No, you don't, do you?

I must say, it's the first time I've ever seen anybody doing a cartwheel with

ice cream in both hands.

You've got it upside down.

Yes, sir.

Yes, I did think the sky was rather overcast.

I'd just been in the ice cream parlor, and I'd just come out.

Yes, you had, didn't you?

Yeah, my boyfriend wanted me to go on one of those adventure holiday trips

him. Well, that would have been very exciting. And where were you going,

Well, we never got that far, because when I said I wanted separate sleeping

bags, he went off the idea.

I think Mr. Mash is trying to attract our attention.

What is it, Mash?

It's 9 .30, Captain.

Do you mind if I bring my horrible self onto the floor, Captain? In my dirty,

scruffy overalls? which you don't like the customers to see, sir?

You are permitted to come on the floor, Mash, provided you have a good reason.

I have.

I've come to stick this up Mrs.

Slocum's corset.

And about time, too.

I beg your pardon, Mrs. Slocum?

It's for the firm -you -up, fat -fighter -control corset. It's been here for

three days.

Well, uh, what does it do?

A mystery to us all.

Here you are, Mrs. Stoker. Your juice is on.

What

will

this be good next?

Oh, it's not very subtle, is it?

Well, I'm not having that there.

having indigestion.

It certainly would be more acceptable if it didn't inflate quite so much. I

mean, if it sort of...

You

haven't improved it, Captain.

Take it away, Mash. Take it away.

Sir Humphrey.

How did it come to pass that Mr. Lucas got the made -to -measure customer?

Well, it was when you were away poorly with your back, Mr. Granger. I was

fitting a gentleman for a pair of bathing shorts, and before I knew where

Mr. Lucas had taken them down.

Bathing shorts?

No, the measurements for the made -to -measure. Well,

I must do the fitting, so bring the pincushion and the torch. Yes, Mr.

Yes, well, considering it's your first fit in, they're very near.

Have you put weight on, sir? No, as a matter of fact, I'm on a diet. Ah, yes.

remember you mentioning you were on a diet when I was measuring you. Yes, yes,

allowed for it, you see.

Yes. Another couple of months, they'll probably fit perfectly.

Mr. Lucas, Mr.

Granger's here to do the fitting. Oh, good morning, sir. Good morning.

Oh, yes, I see, yes.

It is a little snug, I think, don't you agree?

Yes,

it is rather snug.

That's because I've got my hand in the waistband.

Take it out, Mr. Lucas.

Would you mind breathing in, sir?

Thank you.

Yes, let me see here.

Oh, yes.

Let out waist.

Let out waist.

And ease.

See?

Ah,

the professional touch, Mr. Granger.

Couldn't have done it better myself.

And I think the rise is a little short.

Yes, I was just thinking that, Mr. Granger.

Length and rise.

Length and rise.

Now, how are they for length?

Breaking a bit early, Mr... And finishing rather late.

Mind you, it'll be a lot better, of course, when you're wearing shoes.

I am wearing shoes.

Yes, well, of course, I rather saw you in high heels myself, didn't you, Mr

Humphrey? Oh, I did, I did.

I think that we shall have to take a touch off the leg. Oh, allow me to chalk

the leg, Mr Cranston.

We are just going to take a shaving off the legs, sir.

About eight inches.

Shall we try the jacket? Ah, yes. I'm sure you'll find the jacket to your

liking. Sir, now, if you care to just slip your arms in there. That's it, sir.

There we are.

There.

Mr. Lucas, do you think you've got the right jacket?

I think so.

Do you like to show a lot of cuffs, sir?

Not quite as much as that.

I spent it to let down.

Won't that make the buttons rather high?

Please, I hadn't thought of that.

The twelve -button look is quite the thing now, you know.

Think we'd better have new sleeves?

Yes, I think we'd better have new sleeves.

I think this is yours,

sir.

Don't worry about that, sir. Our repair department will tack that up for you

before you leave. Thank you.

Don't you find that it's much easier under the arm, sir?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, it is much. Oh, God. Well, we're on the right line.

These were taken on my holiday last year.

Oh, doesn't it look hot?

Oh, you're right, yes.

That's the worst of the desert.

Doesn't Peacock look well?

Yes, he does, yes.

We went back to Bersama True, where we scored our first big victory.

Oh, that was where you had your honeymoon.

Yes, that was where...

That's where we push Rommel back.

I was dug in at this very spot for about seven whole days.

It's a motel now, you know.

Oh, it was absolute hell, you know. The heat, the sun, flies, the sandstorms,

the monotonous food.

Oh, what you poor boys must have suffered.

No, that was last year at the motel.

If I'm not interrupting anything, Captain Peacock? No, he's just shown us

ology pictures.

Oh, well, perhaps we could look at those after the store closes.

Well, I'd like a word with everybody if you could get them to gather round. Yes,

of course, sir. Thank you very much, sir. I'm glad that you're satisfied with

this part of the suit anyway.

The rest of it will be ready a week on Tuesday.

I shall look forward to that.

Mr. Granger, Mr. Humphreys, Mr. Lucas, are you free?

Yes, I'm free.

I'm free.

I'm free.

Just look and gather round, please.

Now, I've just come from a board meeting which we held in the boardroom with

regard to the redecoration of the store.

Rather than disrupt sales for weeks on end, we have decided to close the store

for the first two weeks in August.

I feel sure you'll agree this is an excellent decision.

No, the board hopes that you will take your holiday to coincide with this.

But I can't possibly go to Little Hampton for the first two weeks in

I mean, the place is full of trevors, and Mrs.

Featherstone would never be able to squeeze me in.

The Isle of Capri will now be an absolute nightmare in August.

I've heard that Gracie goes somewhere else.

Yes, well, we did realise that there would be hardships.

I have therefore recommended the payment of inconvenience money of five pounds

per head.

Per day?

No, for the fortnight.

Inconvenience money, five pounds for a fortnight? It's not even convenience

money.

It certainly won't make up to me for being on a camel in the desert when all

sheiks are on their yachts in the Carabino.

It doesn't fit in with my plans at all. I had reserved a holiday on the island

of Levant. The island of Levant? That's a nudist colony.

Nature camp.

Oh, Captain Peter.

That wasn't you sawing down that tree in last month's Health and Efficiency, was

it?

No, it was not.

If I cancel now, Mrs. Felberston will have me blacklisted by the La La.

The La La?

The Little Hampton Landladies Association.

Oh, the disgrace.

Needless to say, it's not very convenient for me either.

I had aimed to go to Monte Carlo, try my hand at the tables.

Oh, don't they need waiters any time of year?

Sir, I think I speak for all of us when I say that we would ask the board to

reconsider their decision.

Is that your last word, Captain Peacock?

Well... Yes, it is his last word.

I'm surprised at you, Captain Peacock.

There comes a time, Mr. Rumble, when any man who is a man must stand up to be

counted. One.

You have my support, Stephen.

And mine. I'm right behind you, Captain Peacock. I'm right behind you, Mr.

Lucas.

I'd rather you were behind Captain Peacock.

Do you like it, madam?

To be sure, it is a beautiful colour.

Oh, yes, that shamrock green goes so well with madam's eyes.

It's a blarney you're giving me. But I'll take it all the same.

Will you be after wrapping it for me?

Certainly. Will it be after going on madam's account?

Are you being served, sir?

Oh, I was looking for a dressing gown.

Oh, certainly, sir.

Mr. Humphreys, are you free?

Yes, I'm free.

This customer would like to see what you have in dressing gown. Certainly,

Captain Peacock. Good morning, sir. Good morning. Would you like to see what

I've got in long ones or short ones?

Well, um, I'd like something that hangs to about... there.

Yes, they're very popular, sir.

Mr. Lucas!

Mr. Lucas, are you free?

I'm free, Mr. Upley.

Customer would like a dressing gown. Bring the rail.

One rail coming up, Mr. Humphreys. Now, sir, we've got Turkish towel, terry

towel, terraline and wool, short length, calf length, slim fit or full, all on,

banlon, shantung silk or simulated seersucker.

Could you say that again?

I'd rather show you.

One rail, Mr. Humphreys.

Good morning, sir. Can I take your coat, sir? Yeah, thank you. Thank you, yes.

Now, sir, how about something like this?

This is from our kung fu range.

Quite a little relaxing thing it is. Plenty of room under the arms for

I get quite carried away when I talk about it.

I'm so sorry, sir. I don't know what came

over me.

I don't think it's quite me. No, no.

This Sunday after shave lotion, you could do yourself a mischief.

What about this, sir? I call this one the nanny. Oh, yes, it's a beautiful

Yes, but it hasn't a hood.

I hadn't really thought about a hood. That would be right.

Oh, it would be rather nice.

In that case, sir, you want our Christopher Robin range. Yes, sir.

These are very popular. We've sold a lot of these, haven't we, Mr. Lewis? Oh,

yes, we've sold a lot of these, Mr. Humphries, yes. Matter of fact, I have

myself. I lie in bed and I pull the hood right over my head.

And close your eyes and curl up small and nobody knows you're there at all.

Don't go on, Mr. Lewis.

God bless you, Father.

Enter.

Sir, Mr. Rumbold.

Have the eye out. Come to their senses about the holidays, then.

Yes, well, if you like to stay, I've called a meeting to give a ruling.

Ah, because I've been on a blower and I can't cancel the seashells.

With the seashells boarding house?

No, no. The seashells in the Indian Ocean.

Seems a long way to go for someone in your position.

I've got this urge for some of them native girls with grass skirts.

Hey!

Indeed.

I'm leaving the wife and taking the lawnmower.

Get it?

Grass skirt, lawnmower.

Oh, God, blimey.

There.

Now, look at that. Now, that's the hotel, see? There, there. Here.

And here is a typical native girl sitting under a palm tree, see?

I bet you've never seen coconuts that size, have you?

There, Tom.

Oh, Mr Rumbled, I hope this isn't going to take long. My pussy's been locked up

for eight hours.

I'm afraid it's just not convenient.

And I've got to be back in time for Top of the Pot.

Oh, do you watch that?

No, but someone has to hold me mum back when Gary Glitter comes on.

Does she fancy him?

No, she kicks the setting.

Come in and shut the door.

Now, before I begin, have you reconsidered your decision not to help

Brothers over this difficult period?

Are you determined to reject the board's generous offer?

Perhaps as a senior staff member, I should be spokesman. Carry on, Stephen.

Yes, you carry on.

Would you like our feelings in a nutshell, Mr. Rumbelter? Please, yes.

It's not odd.

I see.

You'll have to up the ante, Mr Rumbles. I mean, five pounds goes nowhere. A loaf

of bread costs three shillings. Five pounds is only 35 loads.

Where can you go on holiday for 35 loads?

It doesn't buy much crumpet, either.

I don't get the enjoyment out of it I used to in the old days.

What, the crumpet?

It's possible we may be veering from the point.

As I understand it, you are not accepting this offer, is that right?

Speaking for myself, I am unanimous.

Nevertheless, the store does have to close for those two weeks.

However, young Mr. Grace did anticipate that the wind might blow in that

direction, and so he is prepared to make what I consider to be an even more

generous offer.

He will pay for us to have a holiday in the sun, provided we agree to take it

during the said two weeks.

Listen,

is all that for free?

Well, Mr Grace does happen to own Grace Air Tours, and Grace made to measure

continental holidays.

That does sound a much more generous offer. Can we go anywhere we like, then?

Well, no, that would hardly be fair. We all have to go to the same place.

That's how these charter holidays work.

Well, I vote we all go to Captain Peacock's Isle of Levant.

I mean, look at the money we'll save. All we need is a pair of dark

Oh, Mr Lucas, you're not expecting me to go walking along the beach in my

birthday suit.

Very dark sunglasses.

Well, now, Mr Grace has given us the choice of five resorts.

Oh, and what are they?

Well, I've had some slides prepared.

So we can all have a look through them and then take a vote if you like to

assemble in the boardroom.

There's nobody here.

We'd better go in.

You know, this is a great moment for me.

I've been 37 years at Grace Brothers and this is the first time that I've been

in the boardroom.

Oh, look, they've got a cocktail cabinet.

It's tough at the top.

And dry.

Buy arid, sell John Lewis's.

Cancel that order.

Oh, yes, that's the original barrow that young Mr. Grace used when he was

selling fish in the marketplace.

Oh, and the memory lingers on.

Well, let us all seat ourselves, shall we?

Right.

Ladies, there's no need for us to be overawed by the occasion.

After all, boardrooms are the same the whole world over.

That's the phone.

Right, first time, Captain Peacock.

It'll be somebody ringing out.

Don't you think you should answer it?

Well, it won't be for us, will it?

Perhaps it's Harrods ringing back.

Well, somebody ought to answer it. I mean, it's no good sitting here like a

of tough dummies.

Well, you've been here the longest, haven't you?

Yes,

but you're the senior, Stephen.

Why don't you toss for him?

Who flunks Tony's restaurant?

Hang on.

It's for you, Captain Peacock. It's Rumble's secretary.

Hello,

yes, what do you want?

I can't hear you very well.

phone, Captain Peaker?

It's your secretary, sir.

Oh, what does she want?

What do you want?

Apparently you're on your way up to the boardroom, sir.

But this is the boardroom.

That had occurred to me, sir.

Well, then stop wasting time.

Mr. Rumble says stop wasting time.

I couldn't agree more.

here, so we'll just run through them and we can choose where to go by a show of

hands. Mr. Mash, could you reduce the lights, please? Certainly, Mr. Randolph.

Now, first, we have Tori Maloney in the Costa del Sol, which, of course, is in

Spain. Oh, that's all right.

It's not bad, is it?

and beaches lapped by the clear, tepid waters of the Mediterranean. And in the

background, the magnificent purple hills of the majestic Sierra rise tier upon

tier into the blue, bright sky, while nature deftly mixes semi -tropical,

-hued flowers and plants in a carnival of color.

Sounds quite nice.

After dark, it vibrates to the tune of lively nightclub.

and open -air gay cafes.

Oh, I like it.

Activities include tennis and golf at the nearby Campo de Sport.

I like it even more.

This is the Hotel Royal Mediterranean Palace.

Indeed.

Extensively modernized in 1948, it is now under the experience

management of friendly Don Pedro Alvarez Cohen.

Situated a picturesque ten -minute amble from the sea, it features the

sophisticated Calypso Gourmet Grill.

Nightly bingo.

Nightly bingo is hardly my cup of tea.

Nor mine, Stephen.

Let's have a look at Portugal.

Monty Listeron.

Once the playground of the international set.

Home of deposed kings and the idle rich.

Idle rich?

Fond yellow, pink and green houses set off the grace of the old churches.

While above the mysterious cobbled lane, lines of drying washing wave like

flags.

Sounds like Accrington.

a short donkey ride outside the town, we find the Hotel Tagus Excelsior Palace.

To this very pleasant one -star hotel, two further floors have been

added, which are not shown in the photograph.

You certainly have to use your imagination, don't you?

The cocktail bar of the roof restaurant provides the ideal atmosphere for a

sophisticated tete -a -tete.

and adjoins the children's paddling pool, roller skating rink, hot dog stand

crazy golf.

There's nothing I like more than a tete -a -tete with a golf ball in me

cocktail.

Well, at any rate, they don't have bingo.

Exactly how good is a one -star hotel?

Can I put it to you this way, Mrs. Slocum?

There is no such thing as a no -star hotel.

Let's take our magic carpet to tantalizing Tunisia.

This is the view from your hotel.

Note the burnished sands.

The clear blue water is a mere 15 minutes away.

By jet.

The unspoiled coastline presents a paradise of tranquility. Only 40 miles

is Sidi Belgouli.

Favoured for his pottery and wrought iron work, a much favoured excursion

Well, I'm not going to travel 40 miles in a smelly bus in order to see a pot.

You see him on the right?

What, you mean that fellow looks like Peter O'Toole?

See the sandals he's wearing?

Yeah. They've got them in dulces.

Belly dancing and sword swallowing are a nightly attraction for the diners as

they sit cross -legged on their jibbos toying with their cushions.

I think a jibo must be some sort of cushion.

I was going to ask you about that.

What exactly is a couscous?

It's an Arabic fago -y sort of dish. You eat it with the cut -off ear of a

sheep. Well, I'm not sitting on my jibbo in a foreign legal

court, toying with my couscous.

Not even with a knife and fork.

I thought it sounded rather fun.

Lights, Mr. Mash. Lights, Mr. Rumble.

Well, I'm afraid I must say, Mr. Rumble, that I find these places no substitute

for a holiday in the Isle of Levant. They're no substitute for my holiday

either. Certainly not a substitute for the Isle of Capri. They're not even a

substitute for Mrs. Thethers.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, please be.

It's nice to see so many new faces on the board.

This is not the board, Mr. Grayson. We've been discussing your very generous

offer of a package holiday.

I'm sorry to have to inform you that Captain Peacock has been fit to turn it

down flat.

I was only voicing the views of my colleagues, Mr. Grayson.

In that case, you'd better have the money.

I left.

I'll give you £50 each, and you make your own arrangements.

Shall we?

I trust you're not going to turn that down, Captain Peacock?

Certainly not, sir. That sounds the most acceptable solution.

That settles it. Thank you, Mr Gray.

Oh, yes, there's just one thing.

The decorators can't make August, so you'll have to take the last two weeks

November.

No, but it's out of season.

Oh, no, it's all right. You can all come and stay at Mrs.

Featherstone's. I've got a boat of that here.

Oh, well, there's one consolation.

If we all go to Mrs.

Featherstone's, we won't have to go 40 miles to find a pot there.