Original subtitles

There you are, madam.

Plenty of give in the leg.

And completely draft -proof.

I don't think I fancy them.

Very few people do.

But they're very practical in this chilly weather. Of course, it's for

decide. It's either cold and interesting or warm and safe in these.

Well, have you anything else?

Well, I'm afraid not, Madam.

You've seen everything we've got.

That's right, isn't it, Miss Ross?

Yes. Why doesn't Madam come back tomorrow and look at them again?

Yes.

I think I'll do that.

You don't want to rush into these things.

I can't imagine anyone wanting to rush into these.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Goodbye, madam. Thank you so much.

Fussy old bug.

Honestly, I can't understand why people want to buy old -fashioned underwear

like this. I mean, that's not going to turn an old man on, is it?

Perhaps she wants to turn him off.

Mr. Lucas.

Yes, Captain Peacock. Am I correct in saying that at Grace Brothers we do not

close until 5 .30?

Quite correct, sir.

My watch, which is never wrong, says 17 .28.

Ah, they knew how to make watches in those days, don't they?

Don't be facetious, Lucas.

Well, it's actually 5 .30 by the department clock, sir, and that's the

mine by, you see.

Hmm. Mr. Humphreys, have you the time?

It depends what you had in mind, Captain Peacock.

Well, I make it 25 past something or other.

I must get a new tail for my Mickey Mouse.

As there appears to be a discrepancy in your timepieces, perhaps it would be as

well to take an example from your department head, Mr. Granger.

Good night, Captain Peacock.

Good night, Captain Peacock.

I must be slow.

It's unusual for me.

Why have these not been put away?

Well, I was waiting until 5 .30, sir, by your watch, Paddy.

You seem in a great hurry to get away, Captain Peacock.

Could we all stay behind for a moment, please?

Mr. Granger?

Mr. Granger?

Once those left doors open, you'll never see him again.

Allow me. Mr. Granger, you've left your wallet on the counter.

Where?

You'll want it at the counter.

I hope this isn't going to take long, Mr. Rumbold.

It's my Lord Dreadknight.

And if I'm not there at half past six, all the apparatus is otherwise engaged.

It won't take a minute, Mrs. Fogham.

You won't be needing me, I presume. I have a due on tonight.

Oh, please bear with me, Captain Peacock. This won't take a moment.

It's already taken a moment.

Well, if we're all here, Mr. Rumble has a very brief announcement to make.

I'm sorry to say that shoplifting is on the increase.

This year alone, stock worth millions of pounds has been pilfered from stores

all over the country.

And we at Grace Brothers are not immune.

Indeed not.

Only this morning, Mrs. Slocum informed me that you'd had a skirt lifted.

Some people have all the luck.

And I seem to remember that Miss Brahms lost something last week.

It wasn't me.

You know, only the other day, a customer reached across the counter and put his

hands in my Fair Isle drawers.

I thought he was going to pay.

I've got a man to handle that sort of thing. Oh, nice.

May I introduce Mr Clegg?

Late of the CID.

Who's going to take over security and try out some new anti -pilfering

Mr Clegg. Evening all.

Now,

I won't give you all a moment.

Not another moment.

What I'm instigating is as follows.

We shall maintain a constant surveillance in the most anonymous

aided by the latest electronic device in the shape of a hidden camera or

cameras. Is that clear?

Yes, most.

Good night, everybody.

Mr. Granger, we haven't finished.

Oh, get on with it.

This department has been chosen as a guinea pig.

And if this method proves successful, then the whole store will be similarly

equipped. An excellent idea, sir.

So is that all?

Not so fast. Mr.

Pocock, isn't it?

Captain Peacock.

Yes, sir.

Now, before you all go... Oh, there is a chance, is there?

Part of the new procedure will be a series of random baggage checks.

Well, you won't need the men.

We need everyone, sir. All personnel.

Oh, very well. Let's get on with it. All I've got in here is my laundry.

And if I don't go soon, I shan't get a dryer.

Yeah, well, if you don't mind, Mrs... Madam, I'd just like to check the

of that statement.

Well, really.

Oh, you tried to turn off me.

How are you, Miss Browns?

Certainly nothing new here. Thank you, madam.

Oh, well, fancy having you grope about in my underwear.

How humiliating.

Is that your handbag, miss?

Yes. than it's paid for.

Would you mind opening it for me, please? All that's in here is my working

You mean the other one doesn't work?

Satisfied? Callan?

For the moment?

Yes, you can go, Miss Brown.

My two assistants and I have nothing to declare so I suppose we can go. Of

course. Excuse me, sir. What's that suspicious looking bulge?

I beg your pardon?

In your pocket, sir. May I see it, please?

Shouldn't you have a search one?

Why, it's never bothered you before.

You must know it's my orange.

Your what, sir? My orange.

I always eat one on the train. It's the only way you can get a seat to yourself.

I see, sir.

All right, off you go, then.

Now, Mr Peacock. Captain, I am not a sales assistant. I am the floor walker.

What exactly does that mean, sir? Well, he's not limited like us. He can nip

about and nick things from either department, you see.

Here's your own mind, sir. The suitcase, up on the counter.

I do this under protest. Excuse me, sir.

Do you mind? This is private.

He's got the cut -up body of his landlady in there.

Call me, sir, please.

Hello, hello.

Oh, it's Raffles.

I can explain.

Well, that's what they all say.

Now, this may sound rather a cliché, but I'm on my way to a regimental fancy

dress ball given by the Queen's own.

Wish I'd been invited.

This is all from a theatrical costumier, nothing at all from Grace Brothers. I

see. Well, I suppose that does have a slight ring of truth about it. Thank

Well, I think we've all learned the most valuable lesson from this.

One simply can't be too careful.

No? I must run or I shall miss my train. Just a moment, sir.

Is that your scarf?

Yes, of course it is. I always wear it. I catch cold if I don't.

Strangester. Still got its price tag left on it.

So it has. I must have picked it up by accident.

Now, how could that have happened?

How indeed.

Perhaps you'd better come along and explain it to me in your office.

Yes.

Like I say, it's always the one you least expect.

Morning, Mr Rumble. Morning.

Got me on a desk there.

Here you got Nick last night pinching a scar.

Misunderstanding. Oh, yes.

What are you doing touching all this?

Well, just making sure it's properly connected.

I was here all night helping them with their hidden cameras, you know.

I didn't know that you were conversant with electronic equipment.

I ain't, am I?

I was making a tea.

Nice bit of overtime there.

How does this work, then? Well, I've had it all explained to me.

It's just like a normal television.

Oh, what? Well, one switches on here, and then by pressing these different

knobs, you can keep an eye open for shoplifters.

The store's open. Let's see what's going on.

We just missed them going on, didn't we?

Speak to Peacock about this.

You know, I've given him a mouthful.

Pity there's no sound.

Well, there is somewhere.

I'm surprised at you. You ought to have him cut off.

Have what cut off?

His hands.

He's like an octopus. They're all over the place.

Oh, I know.

And so cool.

Check the men's counter. Yeah, let's check the men's counter.

The sound's gone up the spell.

I don't understand it. It's gone full.

Anything the matter, Mr. Granger?

I had raspberry jam for breakfast.

The bits have gone under my plate.

I shall have to take it out.

I don't think we want to see that.

Like a horror movie.

Well, it looks like smoke. Let's see.

This is serious. This is very serious indeed.

It is. I thought he'd given it up.

That'll do, Mr Mash. All right, Mr Rumbold.

Here. I hope you haven't got one of these down in my cellar because we still

haven't got a door on the car seat.

Yes, Mr Rumbold.

Mr Lucas.

What's up? You wanted in the office.

What for?

Someone has seen you smoking, and as your senior here, I should have told you

put it out.

Quite right, Humphreys. Good man.

You never know when old Juggiers is snooping round.

Wish me luck.

What'll I do with this? Allow me.

Waste not, want not.

I've been dying for a puff all day.

Are you free, Mr Humphreys?

A raincoat and some underwear.

We can manage that, Mr Humphreys, can't we?

I'm with you, sir.

You deal with the raincoat, Mr Humphries, and I will deal with the

Yes, Mr Baker.

I think I can show you something nice and warm, sir.

Two minutes later, with the aid of that thing there, you've been spying on us.

spying, Mr Lucas. I was just testing out the anti -pilfering equipment and

happened to observe you smoking, which is against the rules. Well, I consider

that an invasion of my privacy.

Nevertheless, you shouldn't have been smoking.

No, well, it's my nerves, you see, sir.

Nerves? Yes, you see, my mother's away for the night and it's the first time...

I haven't been left alone before since I was that age.

You're not nervous of being alone, are you? Yes, that's why I've asked Miss

Browns over.

And has she agreed?

Oh, yes, she's coming over to cook my supper. Well, I think that's most public

spirited of her. Yes, and she's agreed to spend the night in the spare room.

But why does that make you nervous?

Well, that's where I sleep. My mother might come back.

What you do outside here is no concern of mine.

I just don't want to see you smoking on the floor.

Oh, don't worry, you won't see me again, sir.

Which part of the floor can't you see from up here?

Well, with these hidden cameras,

I can cover most of the men's and the essential areas of the ladies.

Look.

Miss Bronze, customer waiting.

Just checking to stop, Mrs. Logan.

Yes, I see what you mean.

That's typically feminine, isn't it? Trying to pull the wool over me eye.

That will be all, Mr. Logan.

Hidden cameras?

Are you sure, Mr. Humphreys? Yes, you remember what Mr. Clegg said.

And you can tell they're working when the little light goes on.

Apparently, Mr.

Lucas saw Miss Brown's.

Really?

You know, I wondered about them.

We shall have to keep on our toes, shall we?

I wonder if Mrs. Locum's aware of this.

By the way, where are we? The usual place.

You mean the cameras? Look, they're up there. Oh, we're on.

I wish it was over there. This is my best side.

Good morning. Good morning, sir. Can I help you?

Is my hair all right at the back, Miss Brown?

You keep asking me that. I tell you, it's wonderful.

It's like being on candid cameras, isn't it?

I don't think it's right, them being able to hear what we say as well.

Oh, I don't let it affect me.

Good morning, madam.

Can I be of assistance?

Sir?

Oh, certainly, madam.

Would madam mind standing a little to madam's right?

A bit more.

Of course, madam.

Oh, any particular colour?

Mr. Mash?

Yes, Captain?

You're not supposed to be on the floor after 9 .30.

Oh, well, I was putting my best suit on, you see, sir.

You've got to look good for the telly, haven't you?

Where's the camera, then?

Be off with you, Mr. Mash.

I don't want to have to tell you again.

I like that. That was very good. Be off with you.

Here, here. Do you want to do it once more in case you missed it? Sort of an

action replay, you know. Go on.

Please leave the floor.

Certainly, Captain Peacock.

Now look what Mr. Mash has done.

Mrs. Firkin's come back at last.

Make a note, make a note.

Four visits to the powder room.

Yes, sir.

Granger, did he take a pie now?

A pork pie.

Pork pie.

It's amazing what you can see with this thing.

About the only thing you haven't spotted so far is the shoplifter.

Well, don't you worry. If there is one, I'll do spot him.

You mean to say that you haven't told her that you sleep in the spare room?

Well, not yet, no. I was sort of saving it up. She might be, too.

Don't look now. What? Don't look now. There's a very suspicious character in

42 lungs.

Where? Over there.

Which one?

Hey, a pound or a penny. It's a shoplifter.

Mr. Granger must be alerted. Yes, sir. Well, I'm sure that you will be happy

with the two slippers, the four pairs of socks and the cashmere sweater.

And I must say that I'm delighted that you are so pleased with the efficiency

the store.

Good morning, sir.

Would you mind coming round the other side?

Mr. Granger, something very suspicious in the trousers.

Did I hear you right, Mr. Holmes? Yes, over here.

Mr. Granger, Mr. Granger, look.

That fellow over there in the moustache, I think he's a petty pilfer. I'm sure

he's going to nick something.

You mean the man with the case?

Spot on, first time.

Where is Captain Peacock? In the ladies.

There we are, Mrs. Slocum. Thank you so much, Captain Peacock.

Wasn't I lucky being able to sell two pairs of tights and the green shantung

dress from a line that's been discontinued?

Not to mention the bras and a box of handkerchiefs.

Yes, indeed.

And my opinion, which the customer asked for, without doubt, clinched the sale.

Good day, Mrs. Slocum. I'm sorry to trouble you, Captain Peacock.

But I think we have a petty pilferer in my department.

He's got a cap, moustache and a suitcase.

Where? Over there, 44 Longs.

Oh, I would like to meet him on a dark night.

I don't know.

Are you going to tackle him, Captain Peacock?

Well, we can't do anything unless we're...

Sure, he's taken something. Well, he's taken something now. Look, he's got a

jacket out.

He's just looking at it.

He's opening his case. He's putting it in.

He's shutting it. It's an open and shut case, Captain Peacock.

Right, men.

Are you behind me? Right behind you, Captain Peacock.

Although a little way back.

What if he's armed?

Nonsense. I can see it now.

Despite fatal gunshot wound, fearless floor walker saves 42 long.

That should make the front page of the tailor and cutter.

Well, go on.

Tackle him.

Of course, I mean, we must be sure that he's not going to put it back.

Oh, you're as weak as water.

Weak as water.

His caution.

The reason Mr. Clegg took the jacket was to test the efficiency of the cameras

and the alertness of the staff.

Now, owing to your over -enthusiasm, there may be legal proceedings when he

comes out of hospital.

A hand on the arm would have been enough. I did all I could to restrain

sir, but Mr. Granger, I was so sure.

So I thought.

But what worries me more than anything is the general's lack.

of the department.

I've got some notes here.

Mrs. Slocum, seven visits to the powder room.

It's been very chilly.

Mr. Granger, 11 .45, one sandwich eaten in the fitting room.

12 .30, a pork pie behind the sock counter.

Mr. Humphreys, a long personal telephone call with customers waiting to a sick

friend. At the stage door of the Sadler's Wells Ballet.

He's sick.

Mr. Lewis, four minutes late back from lunch. I went to lunch four minutes

You disappeared from that screen at precisely 1pm.

Ah, yes.

That's when I bent down to tie up my shoelace. But after I popped up again, I

served another customer.

You probably didn't notice. You were probably having another look at Miss

adjusting her cotton wool, I expect.

Nothing, nothing.

Fast voyeurism, that is.

What were you doing, dear?

To private.

Well, it was private.

I feel I must agree with Mr Rumble that there has been far too much laxity of

late. I'm glad you agree, Captain Peacock. You were observed to pat Miss

Brahms's nether regions shortly after the story.

Yes, I meant to complain about that.

You may be lucky tomorrow.

Nevertheless, I do feel that this is an invasion of one's privacy.

That's exactly what I thought at the time.

It all smacks very much of George Orwell.

You tried to say someone else, did it?

I'm trying to say, sir, that the use of cameras has an adverse effect on the

running of the departments.

One tends to become camera conscious.

Well, you're just going to have to get used to it, because I shall be watching

you.

Are you sure we're safe here? Hello, young boy.

Are you sure we're safe?

Listen,

those cameras have got to go, right?

Now, I've had a word with the ladies and they've agreed to help.

What are we going to do? Well, you know how much of a hypochondriac old Rumbold

is. Well, what I thought was... Miss Bronze, I want a word with you about Mr

Rumbold. Yes?

Did you notice how he looked when he was telling us off?

Oh, yes, because I've seen that look before.

My uncle had it just before he went.

Very drawn under the eyes.

Yes. I wonder if anyone else noticed it.

Oh, I don't suppose so. I mean, you only see it if you look really closely.

I mean, it would take a doctor to really tell.

I wonder what Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphreys are looking so worried about.

Poor old Mr. Rumble.

He won't seem the same without him.

Oh, he's not as bad as all that, is he? Although I have seen that look before.

You don't think he knows and he's just bravely hiding it from us? No, not him.

He'd come out and make an announcement.

He'd come out and he'd say, I've been called, I've been called, he'd say, to

that great boardroom in the sky.

I'll carry on to the end.

Yes, of course, that's the sort of man he was.

Well, I mean, still is.

But for how long?

Ah, well...

Only a doctor can tell.

Get me Dr. Wainwright.

Urgent?

Yes, it may well be.

Gladstone Bag.

That'll be him.

Gentleman's out reading, sir?

No, I'm a doctor. I've called to see Mr. Rumbold. Allow me to direct you, sir,

this way.

Morning.

42 Glendale check coats. That's Trilby in a black Gladstone.

We've got all that in stock.

Now listen, you give Miss Brahms the wink as soon as the doctor comes out.

Roger.

Well, I can't find anything wrong.

You're as fit as a man of only 50.

But I am only 50.

Well, there's nothing I can do for you except... suggest you give up smoking.

But I don't.

Perhaps I should take a holiday.

Lucky to be able to get away.

Good day.

Oh, well, good... I'd prefer a check now, if you don't mind.

Save sending the account.

Oh,

Captain Peacock.

You'd run an eye over my chips.

I keep totting them up wrong and your maths is better than mine.

Doctor,

I could have a word with you a minute, please?

What is it? Well, it's my leg.

I think I've got a bar of caffeine coming on it. Could you have a look at

me? Oh, very well. Oh, not here.

Come with me to the ladies' department. I'll show you the quick way round.

Could I have a word with you, Doctor?

We're on.

Now, Doctor, about Mr Rumble, I mean, you know, the truth.

Oh, yes, yes. Well, we suspected something like that.

It was very wise of you not to tell him. I mean, a sudden shock.

Could have gone like an autumn leaf.

Check now, if you don't mind.

Safe sending the account.

In answer to your last question, he has been under a sudden strain recently.

It's these TV cameras he's had fitted to stop pilfering.

He can't take his eyes off the screen, frightened of missing something.

No, don't ask him to have them removed. No, please.

I'm sure he'd want to go in the saddle, making sure that Grace Brothers ran

smooth to the end.

Although he could last until a hundred if he rested.

Get me security.

Quickly.

No wonder he said I'd be lucky if I got a holiday.

If you'll follow me, Doctor, I'll show you a quick way out.

Well done, Dr Finlay.

He noticed.

Oh, God, he wouldn't miss a thing, did he?

I wonder where the doctor is. He's probably still looking at Miss Bram's

doubt. Yes. I shall be giving a second opinion on that myself later on.

You're all the same.

He's going into Rumble's office.

Well, that's torn it. Well, it was a nice try.

You'd better start looking for your cards.

It was your face he saw, not mine.

If I go, you go.

And do it immediately.

Yes?

I'm afraid I have some very serious news for you. Yes, yes, I know, but don't

tell me. I'm trying not to put any sort of strain on myself. I've just ordered

all this equipment removed.

Oh, really?

Yes. Just the same, it's my job as a doctor to tell you... You know, Miss

has measles.

Measles! Is that all?

That's all I have to tell you, yes.

Yes, well, I understand.

If I take it easy, I could be here for years.

Marvellous. The one night me mother's away and she had to go and get measles.

Just my luck.

I haven't had it. The way things are going, you're not going to get it.

handled her recently, have you?

Well, I've just given her a peck on the neck, that's all, when I set the plan

up.

Why?

I mean, you don't think I'd... I was going to ask you out for a drink, but on

second thoughts, goodnight.