Original subtitles

Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods, waste and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food going off.

on the fourth floor.

Shouldn't that be done by decorating and maintenance?

Not this sort of papering.

Just a minute, Mash.

You are supposed to use the staff lift.

Now, look here, Peacock. It ain't even quarter to nine yet. Captain Peacock to

you. And it's Mr Mash to you. Now, you ain't got no authority over me until the

official commencement of your employment, which is at nine o 'clock.

Now, if you come in here early just because your wife can't stand you, it's

concern of mine.

Brother.

Captain Peacock, electrical fault.

Hillary, Deirdre, you're supposed to be cleaning the department, not drinking

tea in it. Now get on with your work.

And get that vacuum cleaner out of here before I come in.

And get the bags changed.

The old ones are blowing out more dust than they're sucking in.

Captain Peacock? Yes, sir? Can I have a word with you? Certainly, sir.

What is that?

A cup of tea, sir.

I do not expect to find you of all people drinking tea in the department.

The canteen is the place for that sort of thing. I got it from the cleaner,

And they are paid to clean the place, not bring you tea.

You misunderstand me, sir.

I took it away from them at the same time complaining about the mess that the

old bags were making.

I don't think you should refer to the cleaning staff as old bags, Captain

Peacock. That's right. You tell him, Mr Rumble.

Dirt, that's how he treats us.

Rubbish. Rubbish. Do you know, he don't even call me mister.

That'll do, Mash, and get rid of that teacup.

Can you spare me a word, Captain Peacock? I haven't signed in yet, sir.

later. This is urgent.

Yes, sir.

I hope I haven't dropped you in it, sir.

Stephen.

Morning, Mr Humphrey. Morning, Mr Lucas.

Oh, I say, I like your act.

What were you wanting last night?

You keep a simple tongue in your head, Saucebox. I bought this to stop me from

getting mugged. You know, people aren't so keen to creep up behind you if they

think you're looking over your shoulder.

Look, the centre display's gone.

The phantom trouser stealer has struck again. Oh, whatever will Mr Granger say?

Well, perhaps he knows about it already.

Well, if he doesn't, he'll have a heart attack.

What were you up to last night?

Oh, I picked up this bird in the library.

You? What were you doing in the library?

Oh, it's a great place for chatting up the birds, you know. Mind, you've got to

keep your voice down a bit. I always do.

You've got to be careful, too, which section you hang around, you know. Oh,

really? I suppose you like to keep away from gardening, science and historical

novels. I usually hang around between Fanny Hill and Lady Chatterley.

The sports section.

As soon as you see one thumbing through a copy, you go over and say, all right,

darling, that's enough of the theory. Now I'll be a bit practical.

You smooth -talking sex maniac.

They can't slap you in the face, can they? Because there's a big sign that

silence. So what happened?

I picked up this big one.

An encyclopedia.

What now?

A big bird. A big bird.

Enormous she was.

Enormous. Built like a brick chicken house.

I've never seen one of those. What, a brick chicken house? No.

Well, anyway, I took her to the pictures. Oh, what did you see?

I don't remember, but it was a double feature.

Morning, Shirley.

Hey, do you know you've got a ladder in your tight?

Oh, trust you to notice.

Does it go all the way up? Well, there's one person who'll never find out.

Oh, look, Peacock hasn't signed in. Perhaps his wife was late blowing with

this morning.

It won't seem the same signing the book without him looking at his watch and

making caustic comments.

Well, I'll tell you what. You sign and I'll caustic comment.

8 .46, Mr. Humphrey.

One minute late for battle again. Oh, not again. No, please, Captain Peacock,

beg of you.

Don't tell the evil Mr. Rumbold.

Otherwise I shall lose my position at Grace Brothers.

A position which I've held these 30 summers and a lot more winters.

Please, Captain Peacock, I beg of you, I'll do anything, anything.

No wonder you wear that hat.

You must too, Captain Peacock. It's no good, Miss Browns. You know what happens

when you're late.

Oh, not that again, Captain Peacock. Peacock. Captain Peacock to you, dogs.

Come here, my beauty, and we'll show you our great brother's treat there. Did

that it? Now? Now.

You go shut it, Peacock.

Good luck, Miss Browns.

And you have a ladder that goes the whole length of your tights.

There's one person who found out.

No, I will not have this larking about in my absence, Mr. Lucas.

No, I'm sorry, Captain Peacock.

It is great.

And it's very discourteous to me. Yes, I'm sorry. It won't happen again,

Peacock. Mind you, sir, if we didn't know what a really good sport you are,

wouldn't take such terrible liberties.

Don't let it happen again.

No, sir.

I'm surprised at you allowing it, Mr. Humphreys. My hand isn't as firm as

Captain Peacock.

Good morning, Captain Peacock. You're rather later than customary, are you

Well, apart from one or two other things, I had to get my wife off.

Off what?

Off on the train, Mrs.

Slocum. She's staying with her sister in Cliftonville for a few days. Oh -ho, a

grand widower, eh?

We girls will have to watch our steps.

Mrs. Slocum, it had crossed my mind that if you had nothing on during the next

few days, I might suggest a small dîner à deux.

Surely there's something missing.

Candles, perhaps, or anything fancy.

No trousers.

Mrs.

Peacock is only away for two days.

Mr. Granger's trousers.

I noticed as soon as I came in, didn't I, Mr. Lucas? Oh, yes, you did, Mr.

Humphreys. Yes, my goodness, you said, it's gone, you said. What I said?

Mr. Granger sent a display stand, you said.

Oh, dear, I said.

My goodness, Mr. Granger will have a fit when he sees it, you said.

And you were right.

What has happened to the central display stand?

Mr. Rumble has ordered its removal.

Removal. Glass of water for Mr. Granger. Glass of water coming up.

Is it this one of your machinations, Mrs. Slocum?

I don't do machinations, Mr. Granger. But I'm very relieved that it's gone.

Well, I shall have to have some words with Mr.

Rumble and give him a piece of my mind. Good morning.

Oh, good morning, sir.

I was just asking what had happened to the central display stand.

Oh, yes, Mr. Granger. I was meaning to have a word with you about that. In

I have an announcement to make. Gather round, everybody. Mr.

Rumble has an announcement to make. Mr. Lucas, gather round. I think Mr.

Rumble's going to do a bit of announcing.

This does not concern the cleaning staff, Captain Peacock.

Hillary, Deidre, you heard what Mr. Rumble said. Now get about your

Come on.

Grace Brothers have entered into a promotion agreement with a perfumery

to promote their products by having a special stand on this floor to promote

them.

Do you mean we are going to sell scent?

Yes, you could put it like that. Well, if it's scent, why can't you clear some

counter space in the ladies' department?

Precisely. Mrs. Slocum is already displaying far too much underwear.

Are you suggesting, Mr. Granger...

That I should remove my underwear and put perfume there instead.

Are you suggesting that I should remove my trousers and put perfume there

instead?

Now, now, now.

Yes, as I was about to say, now, now, now.

I must point out that this is a boardroom decision.

And that the perfume in question is going to be on sale to both sexes under

brand name of... His and hers.

Well, I'm not going to sell hers.

And I refuse to have anything to do with his.

This is what I'm trying to point out, Mrs. Flocum. It's to be promoted by a

member of the perfume company's sales staff.

A him or a her?

Probably a half and half.

Ah, here comes a special stand now.

I see. I see. Go on. I see. I see.

That will do, Mr. Bass.

Time's getting on a bit. I think we'd better all lend a hand.

Where shall I stick it then?

As the stamp collector said to Mae West.

That will do, Mr. Bass. Come along, everybody. Lend a hand.

That's what Mae West said to the stamp collector.

I shall take no part in it at all. Ha -ha! Mutiny on the counter.

No, no. Come, come, Mr. Granger. That's not like you.

Well, even in the French Revolution, the victims weren't expected to chop off

their own heads.

I'm sure it won't come to that, Mr. Granger. Nevertheless, my staff will not

cooperate in the outfitting of that staff.

I'm behind you, Mr. Granger. And I'm behind Mr. Humphreys. Yes, unless

Peacock says I mustn't be behind Mr. Humphreys. In which case, I'm behind Mr.

Rumble. Captain Peacock, seeing as our Mr. Granger is behaving like a bear with

a sore head, perhaps I can help.

No, no, I wouldn't dream of allowing a lady in your position to do such work,

Mrs. Slocum. You're such a gent.

Miss Brandt, lend a hand.

Mrs. Slocum, how would tonight suit you?

Suit me for what?

For our little dinner date.

Captain Peacock, I'm surprised at you. You, a happily married man.

How would that was true?

Oh, not another one.

After 14 years, you don't know what it's like.

I didn't know what it was like after seven.

Positions, everyone. The store is open.

Mrs. Copeland, let me know what you think after you've given it a little

thought, will you? Right.

Come along, everybody. The store is open about your business. Come on, Mr. and

Mrs. Mash, leave the floor.

Eh? Leave the floor, Mr. Mash. Oh, yes, sir.

We must have let the customer see me, must we?

It's time Cinderella was back in the kitchen, isn't it? Eh?

I wonder if you can help me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not serving. The ladies is over there.

Oh, I don't want the ladies.

I mean the ladies' department.

Guess what? You've got a customer.

Are you being served, madam?

No, it's quite all right, thank you. I'm the representative from his and hers.

Oh, yes.

Can I see the floor, Walker?

I doubt it, with those on.

Are you free, Captain Peacock?

At the moment, it is welcome.

The sales girl from the scent people.

Good morning.

May I welcome you most cordially to Grace Brothers.

Oh, blimey.

That must be the sales girl from you that I heard.

Oh, she's a bit of a turn on, isn't she? That's all you think about. It's all up

here, you know. Not 100 % it's not.

Who is that young lady engaging Captain Peacock in conversation?

It's the girl from his and hers.

Oh. Oh, then I think we'd better ignore her. Mr. Lucas is trying, but he's not

doing very well at the moment.

Just my luck, isn't it, for a bird like that to fail into my life on a Thursday.

Look at that. One lousy quid. Where can you take a bird like that one? One quid.

Well, you could buy a thick spen of the worms and take her for a walk along the

canal bank with your bent pin.

Does she look like the sort of girl you'd take along the canal bank?

What about some of your witchy chat over sausage, egg and chips at the transport

cab?

Hey, old Peacock's chatting her up a bit, isn't he? Look at him, look at him,

look at him. Well, he's probably hoping she goes for the father figure. Yeah,

more like the grandfather figure.

I'm sure you'll be very happy here, and if there's anything at all that you

need, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Well, that's very kind of you. Where do I find you?

About here, actually.

He isn't half working well on earth. Do you think he's fancy, sir?

Oh, no, a young thing like that. Men of Captain Peacock's age prefer some more

mature woman.

Someone he can talk to. Yes, and when you get to his age, I suppose that's all

that's left.

Hello? Hello, it's my turn now. Peacock's leaving the field of battle.

shouldn't enter into no man's land until he's left the department.

A word with you, Mrs. Slocum?

Dickens, Brahms, I'm going to have a word with Captain Peacock. Yes, Captain

Peacock?

About tonight.

Oh, yes. I've been thinking about that. And I said to myself, why not?

I mean, what have I got to lose?

What indeed?

I've been thinking about it too. And on second thought, I feel it would be

unwise for us to start something that we couldn't finish.

What are you suggesting?

Well, you know, two attractive people thrown together. The spark that lights

tinder. The all -consuming fire.

I thought it was just dinner.

Well, I think perhaps that some lunch in the executive canteen would be safer.

Are you cancelling?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

Fancy, leading a girl on like that.

He's going to chat her up again.

He's chatting her up again. Look at him, look at him. With his bedroom

department smile.

Round the old floor, Walker.

It's very quiet at the moment, isn't it?

Yes, isn't it?

I hope this doesn't seem premature, and I do hope you won't mind my mentioning

it. Go on.

Well, let me put it another way.

Do you have a particular boyfriend?

All my boyfriends are particular.

Of course.

Now, what I was trying to say was, I wondered if you might, by any chance, be

free to join me for a drink when we close tonight.

Are you chatting me up? No, no, no.

I just wondered if you were free.

Well, it's very kind of you, Captain Pocock.

Peacock? Peacock. But my boyfriend's picking me up at 5 .30.

Ah, well, say no more. I was just worried that you might be at a loose

Excuse me.

Mrs. Slocum?

I've been thinking over what I said to you, and I've had second thoughts. Well,

I haven't, and the answer's no.

And regarding what you said about that fire, I think it would be just as well

you didn't get your matches out.

Excuse me, where's your changing room?

May I inquire what purpose you want to know for?

I want to change.

Look, I'm sorry.

Our rooms are not staff.

Thank you for your help.

It was a pleasure.

That told her.

Your turn -on's coming across.

Oh, Peacock's given up, you see. He didn't get anywhere with that sexy talk

the smooth smile and all that.

I think I'll use the direct approach.

Yeah, they're very good with these toffee -nosed sort of birds, you know. I

mean, just grab them and they go mad. I must watch that. I might learn a thing

or two from the Casanova of the cufflink counter.

I'm not going to do it in front of you.

Excuse me, I wonder if you can help me. I'm very glad you came over. You know,

it's a funny thing. I wanted to have a word with you, see? It's really

very important.

What happened?

I grabbed her and she went mad.

I wonder if you can help me. Your pleasure. Do I need a bodyguard?

Why don't you have a changing room I could use? A changing room?

Are you having any difficulties, Mr Humphrey? Not yet, Mr Granger. This

lady wanted to use one of our changing rooms.

May I inquire for what purpose?

Would you believe to change?

I don't like the tone of your voice.

And our changing rooms are not for the use of the female staff.

Oh, all right, then.

Have it your own way.

A glass of water for Mr. Granger.

And a tranquilizer for Mr. Lucas.

I think you'll find that that'll fall into your shape, sir.

And don't worry about the sleeves.

They'll ride up with wear.

And don't worry about the colour being too bright. It'll wash out in the rain.

How you been, sir, sir?

It's all right, thanks.

Just looking.

That's all I've had this morning. Four just looking, three no thank yous, and

two where's the gents?

Sir, how's this? Are you free?

Well, I was just having a chat to Mr. Lucas, Mr. Granger, but I am free.

I, Mr. Lucas? Oh, yes, you're free.

Where did those ties come from? What ties?

The ones she's putting up on the stand.

Oh, yes. She's put some cards up there, too.

Yes. What do they say?

I can't quite focus, Mr. Granger. Shall I go over and observe?

No, no, I don't think we should fraternize. Call Mr.

Lucas. He has younger eyes.

Mr. Lucas, are you free? Yes, yes, I'm free.

Mr. Granger was just observing the young lady on the centre stand and was

wondering what's on the card. Well, it is time of life. Very little, I should

think.

The print, Mr.

Lucas. Ah, yes.

With every bottle of his perfume boo purchased, you get a free tie.

A free tie?

Take over, will you, Mr. Humphreys? I'm going to see Captain Peacock.

It says what?

It says...

With every bottle of hers, you get a free pair of dockings.

That's very good for our trade, I must say. I'm going to have a word with

Captain Peacock.

Here we are then.

Let's hope we don't get a short circuit when we plug it in.

As Mae West said when she picked up the midget.

I suppose it will take a few moments to warm up.

As Mae West said to the Eskimo.

If you've finished, I'm sure you are urgently required elsewhere.

You're quite right, Captain Peacock. I've got a bunged -up carsey in a

basement.

I wonder if Maywest ever said that.

I think it's disgusting.

It's undermining my underwear.

Yes, and my accessories. You must do something about it, Captain Peacock. For

once, I entirely agree with you, Mrs. Slocum. This thing must be tamped on

now. I must deal with this my own way, Mrs. Slocum.

Well, go on. then?

I just try to think of the best way of handling it. Tell her to push off.

Well, you've got to put something under them to get them going.

I've found that myself lately.

Is everything to your satisfaction?

Yes, it's all fine, thank you.

You've certainly caused a stir in the trouser department.

It usually gets the men going. It's the gym slip look that does it. That and the

stocking tops.

Yes, yes.

Yes, if you're that type, it must have a certain effect.

Your stockings also seem to have upset the head of the

ladies' department.

Yes, well, I suppose that job would attract a rather odd sort of person.

No, no, no, no. It's the free samples that have upset her.

I'm... I'm having to make the appearance of complaining on their behalf, you

understand? Of course.

Well, I think that has made the department's attitude quite clear and

more to say.

Don't move, you man, you.

Cover your body with me.

You're sophisticated and dangerous.

You're slightly aloof.

Yet you have a hint of pulsating virility.

You're wearing...

The man -sized perfume.

Oh, yes, yes, that's very nice, yes.

May I congratulate you on a very arresting sales technique.

Well, it's corny, but it works.

You should hear what they've cooked up for ladies.

Stay just where you are.

If you want a real he -man, you

can... Just let me caress you and...

for Mr. Humphrey.

Yes, sir. If you're wearing his, and yes, madam, if you're wearing hers,

you can be sure of instant results.

And remember, this week only, you get an amazing free gift.

For him, a tie.

Yes, a tie in these gay, irresistible...

They never let you down.

Keep your chappy happy with something snappy.

Get your amazing free gift now with every purchase of his and hers.

And today's special price, ladies and gentlemen, 85p.

Did you ever hear the lights in all your phone days, Mr. Granger?

I don't think that we should take it lying down, do you, Mrs. Slocum? No, I

don't.

Mr. Huntley, are you free?

And Mr.

Lucas, Miss Brown.

Now, I've no doubt you've noticed the way in which this young lady operates.

Yes, we have.

I felt it.

She's certainly drawing customers away from our department.

Now, if you will all back me up.

I will take the matter to higher authority.

I'll back you up, Mr Granger.

It's never going to peacock. It's going to have his eyes glued to our garters

till clothing time.

No, they're going to rumble. He'll back up peacock.

Weak as water is. Weak as water.

Oh, we're lumbered then, aren't we?

Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?

I beg your pardon, Mr Granger.

Mr Granger's quoting from Henry II when he wanted to bump off Beckett.

Oh, not me.

Nice, Mr Beckett, from Hardware.

No, no, no.

Mr Granger played Beckett in Grace Brothers' production of Murder in the

Cathedral.

I'm sorry I missed that.

Mr Granger was very good, in spite of his gammy leg.

He fell off the cathedral steps and Mr Rumboldt and the lads had to murder him

in the front row of the stall.

It got a very good round of applause.

Are you suggesting, then, that we should stab her in the staff canteen?

Mr. Granger, if I could just have five minutes extra, maybe, at lunchtime, I

think I might be able to arrange a little sabotage.

We none of us heard that suggestion, did we?

No, Mr. Granger.

Nevertheless, carry on, Mr. Lucas.

For the lady, a fantastic pair of garter -gift stockings.

They never let you down.

Keep your chappy happy with something snappy.

Get your amazing free gift now with every purchase of his and hers.

And today's special prize, ladies and gentlemen, 85p.

She's still there.

Yes, Mr. Lucas's plan that we don't know about isn't really going like a dose of

salt. Has he given her a dose of salt?

Whatever it is, buddy. What's that?

That's a microphone.

As soon as she starts her next demonstration, I'll be on Radio 678.

I'll tell Mr Granger he'd like not to know about that.

Don't move, you man, you.

Cover your body with me.

You're sophisticated and dangerous.

You're slightly aloof.

Borders a coup with only one tooth.

Stay just where you are.

Don't move a...

She's wearing a tin bra. I'm starting her bustle.

If you want a real he -man, you'll find I'm a killer.

With a face like yours, you'll end up with Guy the Gorilla.

Somebody's interfered with my tape. How on earth did they do that?

Please,

please, please.

Let's marshal our facts. and find out precisely why this young lady left.

Now, first of all, whose finger was it on the button that ruined the tape?

Well, it was my finger, but it... No, no, no, no, just the facts.

Now, how did the other voice come into it?

Well, I was talking through my answer.

Could you be more explicit?

Well, there was a microphone in his hat. I see.

Why?

Ah, well, you see, Mr. Granger said, will no one rid me of this meddlesome

priest.

Did you say that, Mr. Granger?

Well, actually, Henry II said it.

That I can explain.

It wasn't Mr.

Granger who said it in the play. It was Beckett. You remember Mr. Rumble. He got

stabbed in the orchestra's throat.

That's why he got such a good round of applause.

Now, I made it dense.

What?

The play got to do with this girl leaving.

Ah, well, you see, Mr. Granger drew our attention to the fact that Henry II

wanted to get rid of Beckett.

Beckett? Not Beckett from Hardware, no.

Thomas and Beckett, you see. Well, I took the hint because I knew that they

wanted to get rid of the girl. I would like to state at this point that I had

hand in the girl's departure.

In your eyes glued to a garter.

Anyway, good riddance, I say. It was ruining our sales.

Hear, hear.

Well, the pity of it is that the His and Hers Perfume Company is a subsidiary of

our firm, Grace Brothers.

Oh, I see.

It was a very pleasant smell.

What do you think, Mr.

Humphrey? It's most appealing, Mr. Grinch. You found it most appealing,

didn't you? Oh, yes, I did, I did, I did, yes, I did.

I thought it was most appealing. You found it very appealing, too, didn't

Captain Peacock?

The gym slip was very eye -catching.

And young Mr.

Grinch, who is the principal shareholder, has alerted me to the fact

will be popping in to see how the campaign is going.

Oh, dear.

Well, we made a right nose up of that, didn't we?

As you say, Miss Browns, a right nose up.

We shall have to think of something, shan't we?

I don't know what I can do. Yes,

sir,

if you're wearing his.

And yes, madam, if you're wearing hers.

Then you can be sure of instant result.

And remember, for this week only, you get an amazing free gift. For him, a

Yes, a tie in these irresistible pink colors.

And for the ladies, a fantastic pair of garter grip stockings.

They never let you down. So keep your chappy happy happy with something

Get your amazing free gift now.

Turn off.

First of all, telephone in ready -made suit.