Original subtitles

Don't worry about the length of the fingers, sir. You'll find they'll ride

with wear.

And I'm sure you'll find they'll give every satisfaction, don't you agree, Mr

Humphreys? Oh, yes, Mr Granger. It's very difficult to distinguish that

imitation leatherette from the real imitation leatherette.

And you'll find that the lining will keep the hands wonderfully warm, won't

Mr Humphreys? Warm as toast, Mr Granger. Yes, of course it will. That's because

it's made of real imitation simulated nylon fur fabric, you see.

Thank you, Mr. Luther.

I wore a pair of those myself last season, and I had quite a lot of

satisfaction, didn't I, Mr. Luther?

I believe you did, Mr. Hunter.

During the freeze -up last winter, you know, when I couldn't fill my hot water

bottle, I wore a pair on my feet, and I got quite a lot of satisfaction, too,

didn't I, Mr. Upley?

What you say, Mr. Lucas, has a distinct ring of truth about it, despite the fact

that you've only been with us two months.

As a matter of fact, for the Weiss brother, I don't like him very much.

that case, sir, you couldn't have made a better choice.

Mr. Slocum, that man's been hanging around... around our underwear counter

the past ten minutes.

Oh, dear.

Do you think he's one of those?

One of what?

A bon voyeur.

You know, they're the people who look but don't touch.

Oh, I've never been out with one of those.

Are you being served, sir?

No.

Do you have a male assistant on this counter?

No, sir. This is ladies' underwear.

I just thought you might have a man to help you. No, sir. There isn't much

demand for that sort of thing at Graceland.

Ah.

Well, uh... I want to purchase a bra.

What size do you take?

That'll do, Miss Brown.

Oh, no, no, no. It's for my fiancée. She's a young girl.

Oh, congratulations.

Have you any idea what size the young lady take?

Well...

Miss Brown, go and polish something.

I managed to knock this off when she wasn't looking.

Oh, how clever of you.

She's a healthy girl, isn't she?

Miss Brown, get out the 44s.

The Kilimanjaro range.

Mr Lucas.

Did you beckon me, Captain Peacock? By standing up there near the lift, you're

out of your territory, you know.

Your place is at the other end of the counter to allow Mr. Granger and Mr.

Humphreys first choice of the customers.

Yeah, well, that's all very well, but I mean, I haven't had a customer all day.

Mr. Granger.

Is something wrong, Captain Peacock?

Mr. Lucas was bemoaning the fact that he hadn't had a chance of serving a

customer all day.

I wasn't complaining, Mr. Granger. Mind you, if I'm not allowed to earn any

commission, I can probably live for another two or three days before I

death. Well, I think perhaps we have been a little hard on him, you know.

I'm sure that my colleague and I could hold back a little.

Mr. Humphreys, are you free?

Yes, I'm free, Mr. Granger.

The next customer.

will be, uh, Mr. Lucas's. Understood, Mr. Granger. Thank you, Mr. Granger.

you, Mr. Rumsby.

Thank you again, Mr. Captain Peacock.

Isn't it time for your, uh, tea break, Mr. Lucas? I've given it up.

In that case, your customer is approaching, Mr. Lucas.

Carry on, Mr.

Lucas.

Just my luck.

Good afternoon, sir. Can I help you, sir?

Aye, well, I hope so.

Do you have any good, stout, long -lasting, hard -wearing tweed?

Yes, well, let me think.

Do we have any good, stout, long -lasting, hard -wearing tweed?

Something in the jacket line, perhaps, sir. No, no.

Something in the trues line.

Trues?

Trues, ma 'am.

Briefs.

Harris tweed briefs?

Briefs. That's trousers, Mr. Lucas.

Ah, yes, of course. Yes, yes, trousers.

Yes, trousers.

And what waist are you, sir?

Thirty -six.

But forty would be more comfortable.

Thirty -six with foot. And your inside leg, sir?

Measure it.

I beg your pardon?

Measure it.

I've always worn the kilt.

Never worn bricks in my life.

Just a minute.

Mr. Granger, can I borrow your tape measure? I've got to take that

inside leg.

I'd prefer that you borrowed Mr.

Humphrey's.

Mr Humphreys, do me a favour. Take that man's inside leg. Don't ask me. I've

given it up for Lent.

Anyway, he's your customer.

Well, all right, then. Well, lend me your tape measure. Oh, dear.

But don't lose it anywhere.

Hang on a minute.

What's going on? I'm warming the end a bit.

a sporrancer on the left... Oh, get on with it, man.

Now, where exactly do you think you're going with that thing? I'm just looking

at your inside leg, sir. Away, you ignorant satanist. In Scotland, we

measure the inside leg from the outside.

Just about there.

I make that 32, including the sporran.

Do you think it suits me?

Oh, yes, it does, madam.

And those artificial cherries are very youth -making.

Do you think so, Miss Brown?

Oh, yes, Mrs. Slocum. Takes years off her. Thank you, Miss Brown.

And that green goes so well with Madam's eyes.

I've got brown eyes.

That's what I mean.

The sort of brown that goes so well with green.

Gives you a sort of film star look.

Marlene Dietrich.

She's in her 70s.

Well, she wasn't when she was about 40.

room, madam. You see, we share our accommodation with gents ready -made and

they've got eyes like orcs. I can't wait in their hours for you to come and

serve me.

Any trouble, Mrs. Slocum?

I thought you'd be over.

I'm just asking your salesgirl if she's got one cut a bit lower.

How much lower did you have in mind?

I'll deal with it, Captain Peacock.

Miss Brown, get out a 38C platform.

With heavy -duty straps.

Will you take the hat, madam?

No.

No. I think I'll try on a pair of shoes instead.

I see.

Captain Peacock? Yes, Mrs. Slocum? Would you direct madam to the shoe

department? Certainly. Will you come this way, madam?

I'm so sorry we couldn't find anything to go with your face, madam.

But no doubt you'll try us again.

Awkward cow.

Mrs. Slocum, they've come out.

I beg your pardon, Mr. Mac, what have come out? The transport, the trains,

buses, the lot, look.

They're out.

Traffic, chaos.

Up the workers.

Mr. Rumble says there'll be a meeting in his office at 5 .30 today. Read the

transport strike.

Oh, just us heads of departments, all the staff as well.

Oh, as... Everybody?

Does that include me, then? No.

Isn't it marvellous, eh? I'm not even everybody.

I'm nobody.

True.

Well, we've all seen the news. I'm afraid the transport situation is very

But I'm proud to say that Grace Brothers is going to rise to the occasion.

Oh, we're going to man the buses, sir.

Mrs. Slocum will make a marvellous clippage. She's got plenty of room on

Don't encourage him, Miss Brown.

Now... Which of us has cars?

Oh, drat it. I let the chauffeur have mine.

I had an old banger before the war.

I mean, Mrs Granger made him give her up.

Mine's off the road, being prepared for my continental touring holiday.

Oh, you're going to the Isle of Wight again, are you?

Now, is any of us within walking distance?

Well, I could be home by the morning if I set off now.

It's as I thought. We are, in a sense, stranded here.

But fortunately, Mr. Grace has kindly given his permission for the employees

spend the night inside the store. Where are we going to sleep?

On the floor.

I'm not sleeping on the floor.

I mean on the department floor. On whatever bedding or other devices that

improvise. Miss Brahms and I bag the waterbed on the fourth floor.

Only if you sleep inside it.

We're all staying on our own floors. It's been agreed.

Yes, but what about privacy?

I mean, we can't all just kick down like Sodom and Gomorrah.

That's fun and egg, girl.

Mrs. Slocum has raised a very valid point. I think there should be some

separation between the sexes.

And also within the sexes.

Perhaps the ladies could sleep in the fitting room.

Miss Bronze and I are not sleeping in that pokey hole with no air.

Well, I'll tell you what, you keep down with the rest of us and I'll get you a

couple of chastity belts out of the novelty department.

Just because it's after half past five.

Doesn't give you carte blanche to be caught, Mr. Lucas.

What we have to do is to improvise. Now, let's all think very carefully.

Camping. I beg your pardon?

Camping. Were you never in the Scouts, Mr. Humphreys?

Well, not officially, no.

Well, if we're going to sleep in tents, I want one with a tout boom.

Miss Logan, I feel sure I can speak for all the men here when I tell you that we

will not, as you seem to suppose, behave like mad dogs as soon as the lights are

out.

Hear, hear.

We're all in this together. It's up to us to make the best of it.

Let's see what we can fix up.

Camping equipment, please.

No, well, I can't. No, well, it won't go. I can't get it in, you see, Captain

Peacock. Do it from inside.

Yes, all right. Get inside, listen.

Get the spigot into the socket.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I can see that you were never in the army, Miss.

Well, I don't see why I couldn't have spent the night in the toy department in

Peter Pan's house with Wendy and the crocodile.

Are you referring to Wendy from the gramophone department?

Oh, do you fancy her as well?

Mr. Horton Peacock, are you free?

Yes, Mrs.

Slocum. Could I have your assistance for a moment?

Certainly.

There's no curtain at my window.

I shouldn't worry, Mrs. Slocum. I mean, you'll be sleeping on the floor, and

only a very tall person could see anything, and even then he'd have to

tiptoe.

That's what I was thinking.

But apart from that, I mean, one usually finds that condensation steams up the

windows. I can assure you, Captain Peacock, that sleeping on an air bed

army blanket, I'm not likely to get up much steam.

Oh, yes, yes, and there's another thing.

How am I supposed to do the zip -up from inside?

Well, perhaps the best thing, Mrs. Slocum, would be to get someone else to

you up after you're in.

Yes, but what if, for some reason or other, I wanted to leave in a hurry in

night?

Well, if you think that sort of emergency might occur, it might be wiser

leave your zip open.

Oh, it all seems very primitive.

Pajamas, lovely white pajamas.

Get your pajamas off me.

Here you are, fresh pajamas.

Fresh from the sales discount department.

There you are, missus.

Room for you and a friend.

What awful common things.

Oh, well, I suppose they're better than nothing.

I think I'd prefer you in nothing.

Miss Brahms, our sleepwear has arrived.

What size are you? Oh, not for me, thanks. I never wear anything in bed.

I don't like rough things next to my skin.

You're lucky you ain't got me in there with you.

We'll find a safety pin and wear them the wrong way round.

Who's in here, then? I am, and mind where you're putting your hands.

Want some charmers?

No, thank you.

mine in the gentleman's boutique.

Anna May Wong rides again, eh?

Are you in there, Mr. Granger, sir?

Are you all right, Mr. Granger?

I'm trying to get my trousers off.

It isn't easy, you know.

A pair of bananas, Mr. Granger.

Perhaps it would be more

dignified if I changed in the gentleman's cloakroom.

Ooh, the things you see when you haven't got your gun.

Mr. Granger, you've left your flap open.

That was very funny, Mr. Lewis.

Now, Captain Peacock, top quality passion killers.

Haven't you got anything other than stripes?

What do you want then, pips?

I think that having regard for my position, I should have something that

me look a little different from the rest.

Why don't you leave the trousers off then?

Sorry, Captain Peacock. I'll see if I can find you something else. Yes, do.

Oh, blimey, I'll be quicker to pinch one of Mrs. Slocum's bras and sling it up

as an hammer.

Start here, Mr. Lucas. Oh, ta.

Great.

What am I supposed to do with these?

Blimey, how did they get in there?

They must have come from the window display. The window display? How many

-legged men go window shopping?

No, it's the bed advert, you see. The he -dummy was getting out one side of the

bed, and the she -dummy was getting out the other side of the bed.

and I used one pair of charms for two, see?

But I can't wear these in mixed company.

Well, all you do is you put both legs down there and you hop in the bed.

Here.

What's your game?

I'm sorry, Mrs... Miss Brods, and I was under the impression that this is where

I was supposed to be sleeping. Not on your nelly cap in peacock.

You're supposed to be in the big tent with Mrs. Slocum. Well, then you take it

up with her.

By the way, Miss Browns, your pyjamas should be on the other way round.

Look, you do your thing your way, and I'll do my thing my way.

Mrs.

Slocum?

I can come back later.

No,

not at all.

It's all right. I've got the stopper in. I was blowing up my

air bed and it takes puff after puff after puff.

Can I help anybody?

No, thank you, Mr. Huntress. I've managed.

Mrs. Slocum, what is Miss Brahms doing in that tent?

Knowing you, I'm surprised you haven't looked.

He has.

And I was putting on me pyjamas.

Captain Peacock.

The point is, Mrs. Slocum, that this large tent is for yourself and Miss

There's going to be no one in my boudoir when I blow out the candle.

I have no other accommodation.

Where am I supposed to bivouac?

I don't care, whack. It's nothing to do with me.

Here. That's right.

What on earth is that, Mr. Max?

Get this to bed, Captain Peacock. Mr. Brown rolled all of it.

I'm very thoughtful of him.

He's not there, Mr. Marsh.

Well, it wouldn't go through your office door, sir. I can't sleep out here with

the staff.

You can't sleep out here with the staff. Of course I can sleep out here with the

staff, Mr. Marsh.

Don't be silly. Now, how does this thing work?

Oh, well, you pull this down, see, sir. I do the bolt, like that. See? Put it

down. Excuse me, sir. Get the little legs down there.

Look,

nice little bed there. You see, really, it should be screwed to the bedroom

wall, sir.

You see, so when your bird's father knocks at the door, you press the button

she goes up the wall instead of him, see?

That'll do, Mr. Mash.

An ingenious device, is it not?

Yes, most ingenious.

Quite roomy.

Yes, well, it is sold as a small double.

It might help to solve a slight problem we have, sir.

What problem?

Miss Brahms refuses to leave my tent.

Have you tried persuading her?

Yes, she was quite adamant.

You're quite right to tell me, of course.

What you do after hours in normal times is entirely your own affair, but you

could hardly go through with this under our very noses, so to speak.

I think you may have, sir, what might be termed the wrong end of the stick.

Have I?

Yes, sir.

I had arranged for Mrs. Slocum to have that large tent because I was quite sure

that she would be willing to share.

To my surprise, she wouldn't have it.

Do you suppose she has heard about you and Miss Brahms?

I was trying to get Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocum together in the same tent.

What, all three of you?

No, sir. I don't want to share with the ladies.

Ah, good.

I want to share with you.

Oh, Mr.

Rumble. Didn't you think so, Captain Peacock?

Yes, it brought back memories of the army and the lads. The heat, the sunset,

the endless shifting sands.

How long were you at Bognor Regis, Captain?

Lucas, when you were at school, I was with some of the toughest soldiers in

world, chasing Rommel through the desert.

Some people have all the luck.

Yes, Lucas. Some people seem to forget that men like Captain Peacock and

were instrumental in making this a country fit for heroes to live in. What

you in there, Mr Rumbolt?

Catering Corps. The Naffy?

Not the Naffy, Mr Lucas.

The Catering Corps was a very important part of the service.

The army marched on its stomach, remember.

I suppose they couldn't walk upright for the indigestion.

Unfortunately, Captain Peacock, these youngsters seem to forget what we went

through. Were you in the Naffy, Mrs Sloan?

No, of course I was a mere...

slip of a girl, but I was in air raid precaution.

In fact, that's how I met my husband during an air raid. The bombs were

down and I saw his face lit by an incendiary.

He threw me on my face and said, look out, here comes a big one.

I suppose there wasn't much time for

chatting in those days.

And when it had gone off, we headed for the nearest shelter, and it was then I

knew that it was love at first sight.

The first bombsight you come to.

Oh, you have got a nasty mind.

Where were you when all this was happening, Mr. Granger?

Oh, I was in Enser, entertaining the troops.

What's Enser stand for?

Every night something awful happens.

You did a grand job, you Enser chaps.

Oh, thank you, yes. I used to do impersonations, you know. I called

Whimsical Willie.

I did impersonations of Hitler and Goering and Goebbels and von Ribbentrop

Lord Haw -Haw. Whose side were you on?

Oh, I used to do Mr.

Churchill as well.

Do your Lord Haw -Haw for us, Mr. Granger.

He was the one who used to broadcast propaganda to England.

Well, I don't know if I can. It was so many years ago, you know. The last I met

him was at a concert in Tobruk.

Germany calling!

Germany calling!

Your English have no chance of winning the war.

The German army is invincible.

It shivers up your spine.

And then I used to do Mr. Winston Churchill, you know.

We will fight on the beaches.

We will fight on the landing grounds.

We will fight in the streets and in the villages.

But we will never surrender.

Give us the tools and we will finish the job.

And then I used to raise my hat.

I think you were very brave, Mr. Grinch.

With an act like that, he had to be.

Of course, I wasn't around when all this was going on. Oh, where were you then?

I wasn't born.

But it was the war that brought my mother and father together.

We've still got pictures of him with his black face running up the beach.

What was he, the first illegal immigrant?

Commando. Ah, the toughest.

Absolutely ruthless.

found in her bicycle shed.

He was on a training exercise and it switched.

What are you doing, she said.

Looking for the Jerry, he said.

So she took him indoors and showed him upstairs.

And, well, they just sort of clicked.

Isn't that romantic?

You know, I'm sorry I missed all that, really.

Still, no matter what happens, even in spite of me, Tear -tear drums on me flat

feet. Whatever happens, I'll be there at the front the next time.

Dressed as a woman with a ticket for Sweden, no doubt.

Well, I think it's time for lights out.

It's been a most enjoyable evening.

Just like the old Boy Scout jamborees.

It's only half past ten.

Shall I put the campfire out, Mr. Rumbo?

Oh, yes, we don't want to take any risks.

Oh, no.

Churchill's having one of his catnaps again.

Somebody better wake him up. It's time to go to bed.

So, please.

Are you free, Mr. Granger?

Yes.

Good night, Mr. Granger.

Good night, everybody.

Hey, Shirley.

Fancy a game of ping -pong in the sports department?

No, thank you. How about sardines in soft furnishings?

Get in your tent and zip yourself up.

Would you like me to go to the library and get you a copy of The Sensuous

Two copies.

Has anybody set the alarm for tomorrow morning?

I set the burglar alarm for tonight.

I hope you catch one.

One for you, sir. Oh, thank you very much.

I'm going to keep my socks on, if you don't mind.

Not at all, sir.

That's enough, Mr. Lucas.

Good night, Mrs. Slocum. Are you standing on tiptoe?

No, Mrs. Slocum. Oh.

Oh, dratic, there goes Miss Topper.

Fire! Fire!

Fire!

Well,

that's dampened it down a bit.

Good night, Mr. Humphreys. Good night, Mr. Lucas.

I won't come out. I've just put cream on me face.

Ah, just think.

Those teeth once did Winston Churchill.

Good night, Mr. Granger.

Don't bother.

You're not going to read, are you, Captain Peacock?

No, sir.

Can you get rid of that thing?

What thing?

The light.

Oh, yes, sir.

There's nothing on my side.

Oh, damn, it must be on mine.

Mr. Lucas, you're not in bed yet. I'm just going, sir.

Turn this light out for us, will you?

Certainly, sir.

Not the lever.